The Secret Of Us

Not that I really cared by that point.

There were too many questions all swirling around in my head for me to sort out, and I needed some outside input. I was hoping that maybe Maggie could help inject a dose of reality into everything, help me make sense of it all.

Or at least commiserate with me and come up some interesting scenarios to entertain my overworked brain.

“Eee,” Maggie said, calling me by the nickname she’d given me. “As your boss, I should be pissed and fire you for lack of professionalism,” she intoned, playing with the empty coffee mug in her lap.

“But as a woman,” Maggie leveled her gaze at me soberly, then broke out into a wicked grin, “as a woman, I want to give you a high five and tell you how much you rock. And you do,” she continued, her smile deepening, accentuating her dimples. “The guy deserved everything you gave him. More, actually. He broke your engagement and didn’t have balls enough to really talk to you about any of it. He just up and disappeared like that,” she finished, snapping her fingers. The sound seemed harsh in the otherwise quiet room.

“He’s a total coward, and you were way too easy on him, if you want to know my honest opinion. I think if it was me, I’d have castrated him.”

“You know, he didn’t start out that way,” I said, sounding more than slightly defensive. “In the beginning, Matt really was a wonderfully guy,” I stopped, registering the words that had just come out of my mouth.

Wait a minute. Was I defending him or me?

I met Maggie’s stare and shrugged sheepishly.

“I know, I know. Was. I’m going to shut up now and try to be satisfied with the fact that I got the last word.”

I was silent for a moment, relishing the memory of Matt with Scotch dripping off his chin.

“This whole thing is just so… I don’t know. It’s a whole new level of cruelty that I really didn’t think he was capable of.”

Was I babbling?

Maggie raised an eyebrow. “And you know this because you know him so well.”

I looked at my hands, feeling a little like I’d been slapped.

“I thought I did,” I said quietly.

“That was unnecessary, even for me. I’m sorry, Eee,” Maggie said, sounding more apologetic than I’d ever heard her. The pain must have been written plainly across my face.

“On the upside, though, after you left, he really didn’t seem to want me to fire you or put you on probation or anything.” She shook her head in mild confusion. “His friend, though. Wow. That guy was hot for me to chew you out. He was practically foaming at the mouth, insisting that his brother-in-law was a lawyer, and he could sue you so hard your children’s children would still be paying him. Matt had to calm him down and talk him out of it, but they didn’t stick around long after your grand gesture.” She smiled at the memory.

I gave her a shaky smile of my own, one that probably resembled something closer to a grimace.

“Well. Thanks for understanding, Mags, and for letting me keep my job. I’m just glad it’s over now, and I never have to see him again. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s aaaall fine,” I said flatly, drawing out the word longer than necessary.

“Uh huh.”

I sighed and buried my head in one of the throw pillows.

“How did my life turn out like this?” I wailed into the cushion.

It might have been a little hard to understand, what with the stuffing and all, but Maggie seemed to translate just fine.

“Honey, when men are involved, nothing is ever simple,” she soothed, gently rubbing my back. “Once you realize that, things become so much clearer.”

I removed my face from the pillow and looked at her.

“I should have known better than to ask a thrice divorced woman for advice on men,” I said soberly.

“Oh, stop it, you,” she shot back, laughing. “I may actually be somewhat of an expert by now. After all, what better way to learn things than through mistakes? Now I just know better what to do for the next time.”

“Next time?” I asked incredulously. “You mean there’s going to be a next time?” I paused and peered at her suspiciously. “Is there something you’re not telling me? I know you’ve been seeing some mysterious man, but have things gotten serious between you two? Or have you got a man holed up in here that I didn’t know about?”

I made a show of looking around the room for signs of another person. “Oh, Lover! Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

We both started to laugh, the tension in the room lessening noticeably. I was well aware that Maggie wouldn’t be able to give me the answers I still wanted, even after all these years, but talking to her seemed to lessen the load my mind was trying to shift into some sort of order. The only one that would be able to clear all of this up was Matt, and I knew that I would never get those answers from him.

But did I truly want to stir all of that up again? I’d worked so hard to move on and rebuild my life after Matt’s disappearance, and now I was thinking about dredging all of it up again, opening up old wounds. Allowing him access to the parts of myself that I had so tightly closed off from most people.

Would he take that power and abuse it?

Would I end up with closure, or simply left with even deeper wounds?

Chapter Eight

I added the last tightly-rolled bundle of linen-wrapped silverware to the pile and let out a sigh.

I could tell it was going to be a long day. I’d just gotten to work, and I was already ready to go home.

As much as I enjoyed my job, the previous day’s events had completely upended me.

As naïve as it might have sounded, I hadn’t considered the possibility of encountering Matt again. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that so much time had passed – maybe I’d become complacent.

He had become part of another lifetime.

The idea of ever looking up to see Matt sitting at one of my tables had never even occurred to me, so it was a sucker punch to the gut. I’d tried to explain it to Maggie, but I wasn’t sure she quite understood. She seemed used to running across her exes, as though it was a regular experience for her.

And maybe it was – she had quite the growing list to pick from, a seemingly endless catalogue of men she’d cast aside.

Maggie, quite amazingly, had never been dumped. Somehow, she had managed to avoid having her head on the chopping block in all of her relationships.

I suspected it might have been a simple case of timing in several cases, but I also knew Maggie well enough to know that she seemed to avoid getting too close to people.

Mostly men.

Which would translate itself into a need to jump ship from even the most promising relationships for fear that they might demand too much of her emotionally and leave her vulnerable.

Maggie didn’t do vulnerable.

Maggie did fierce.

Which was exactly what I had tried to be the night before; and I’d done a pretty good job of it, I thought proudly. Still, though, I felt strangely unsettled.

“I’ve always wondered where all those magically wrapped knives and forks came from. I thought maybe there were little elves that did it,” a voice said behind me, ripping me out of my reverie.

I whipped around to face Matt, who was smiling widely at me.

Smiling.

Why was he smiling like that, when I’d dumped a drink in his face the last time I’d seen him? And why hadn’t he insisted on having me fired?

He looked like a little boy, so mischievous and bright was his grin. He was obviously completely oblivious to how unnerved I was by his presence, not to mention his proximity. There was hardly space between us to allow any semblance of propriety, so I took a step back. I felt like I could barely breathe.

“The elves are on vacation this week,” I said, trying to squelch my urge to run.

I had no idea where the words came from, since I was feeling in no way witty. Quite the opposite, actually. I was trembling inside, a roiling mix of anger, confusion, and… love?

Was that what that was?

Did part of me still love him?

I hadn’t really taken the time to examine whether or not I still had feelings for Matt, since I’d not really considered the possibility of ever seeing him again.

Yes, in the beginning, I had gone through all of the scenarios in my head – what I would do, what I would say, what I would be wearing. How he would react.

Sometimes, in those imagined scenarios, he would watch in quiet awe as I confronted him, stunning and strong and completely over him.

Sometimes he would tearfully plead and beg forgiveness from his knees as I towered above him, stunning and strong and completely over him.

Sometimes we saw one another from across a crowded room and ran breathlessly to each other’s arms, and our fairy tale love would erase all the past hurts.

Whatever direction my imagination took me, though, it had never resembled anything like this. Matt acted as though we had never met before last night, and I had no explanation for that. I had no idea how to respond to that. Now, after I had finally stopped exploring the feelings and the possibilities, I was being catapulted into what felt like an alternate universe.

“Well, you seem to be taking up the slack quite nicely,” Matt replied, indicating the carefully rolled pile of silverware resting on the bar beside me.

His eyes sparkled and danced under the warm lighting of the restaurant. The room, which generally seemed to have an air of cozy intimacy and warmth, now seemed overheated and claustrophobic.

Had I not been determined to be brave, I would have made some excuse about needing to use the ladies’ room and gone in there to hide. Instead, I decided to make an excuse about needing to get into the kitchen to get ready for my shift.

Somehow, hiding out in the kitchen seemed like the more grown-up thing to do.

Plus, there was an endless array of options in sharp objects with which to slit my wrists.

Not to mention the well-stocked liquor cabinet.

“What do you want?” I asked wearily. “After last night, I’m surprised you’re not at all worried about the possibility that I might throw another drink in your face. I realize I owe you a thank you for not having me fired, I suppose that does show you have some shred of decency in you. So, as lovely as it is to see you again, I really could do without this. And, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m at work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go talk to the chef about some things on the menu today.”

I stepped forward, hoping he would take my not-so-subtle hint and allow me to pass.

Maybe, just maybe, he would go away and let me get back to the satisfied glow of last night’s surge of chutzpah.

“Lovely, huh? I was hoping more for exciting, but I guess I could settle for lovely.” He flashed a huge grin, then replaced it with a more sober look of contrition. “Seriously, though, I actually came to find out exactly why you felt a need to throw a drink in my face.” He shook his head sadly. “I can see why Charles might have deserved it. When he’s having a bad day, he has a terrible habit of letting everyone know it, and he was definitely having a bad day. Still, it’s no excuse, and it’s one of the things that I’ve had to call him on more than a few times. But as much of an ass as he can be, Charles really does have his good points – even if they aren’t always readily apparent.”

He paused, leveled his gaze at me.

“But me? What did I do? I’ve never even met you, yet you seem to have quite an impressive level of contempt for me.” Matt paused and cocked his head questioningly. “Ever thought that maybe I’m not who you think I am? That maybe, you might have me confused with someone else?”

I realized I was staring at him, almost mesmerized. It had been so long since I’d seen his face, heard his voice. I was still having difficulty processing his presence, wondering if seeing him this way would become a regular occurrence and how it would affect me.

I blinked my eyes, forcing my gaze from his face as my brain suddenly processed his words.

Not who I thought he was? Just how stupid did he think I was?

“You’re amazing, you know that? Truly amazing. You break up with me – after proposing, no less – without telling me why, and never return any of my calls. And three years later, you pop up where I work and expect me to believe you’re someone else?” I shook my head in awe. “You must think I’m a complete idiot.”

I reached past Matt to grab a fistful of the silverware.

“Leave. Now. I appreciate that you didn’t try to get me fired, but I don’t think I owe you anything.” I turned, taking a step in the direction of the kitchen, a safe haven within my line of vision.

“Wait!” Matt called after me. “Please.”

His voice had a plaintive tone.

Part of me wanted to keep on walking, pretend I hadn’t heard him or was too busy to stop. To leave him standing there and walk away while I still felt like I was in control. But the small part of me that still loved him kept me in thrall, and I looked back over my shoulder.

His head tilted slightly, and his eyes twinkled under the lights. It was the way he used to look at me, so long ago. A look that had always made my heart skip a beat and my breath catch.

And then a shadow passed over his face and his eyes.

Just as suddenly as it had come, the look was gone, replaced by one of confusion.

I shook my head and turned away again, leaving him to watch me walk away.

“Don’t!” My whisper may have been a bit loud, but that was only because I was trying to make sure that Matt could hear me above the din of the restaurant. It still qualified as a whisper, in my book.

“What? Come on, they’ll never notice.”

“I know your mama taught you better than that,” I shot back, still in loud whisper mode. I darted my eyes around guiltily. “They’re going to catch you, and then we’ll never be able to show our faces in here again.”

“They won’t catch me – stop worrying so much, Eira.” Matt shook his head, his brown eyes twinkling. “You know you want one,” he teased.

“That, my love, is beside the point,” I mumbled back, feeling a grin creeping across my lips despite my best efforts.

“I beg to differ. Think of it as seizing fortune.” Matt slid out of our booth, crouched low as he darted forward to dip his hand into the oversized carton of fortune cookies near the server’s station just around the corner from our table. As busy as the small Chinese restaurant was that evening, no one seemed to notice the handsome man as he stealthily hunched over the box to raid its contents and unearth a few extra treats.

“Literally,” I said with a wry grin. “I love you, Matt, you know that?”

“And I love you. Now here, eat the evidence,” he whispered as he slid a cellophane wrapped cookie towards me on the tabletop.

I unwrapped the little cookie and broke it in half, carefully tugging the slip of paper from its folds and reading as I popped the first half into my mouth.

“What’s it say?” Matt asked as he unwrapped his own piece of contraband.

I cleared my throat and tried to sound serious. “‘You will travel far and seek many new horizons.’” I giggled. “Uh huh. And I’m going to be a millionaire, too,” I said, crunching into the last half of my almond flavored treat. “What does yours say?”

Matt arched his eyebrows expectantly as he read. “‘Trust few with your future happiness or your trials will be great.’” The smile slid from his lips as he said the last words, and he seemed suddenly sobered. Gone was the playful look that had been there all evening as we had sat in our tiny booth, tucked into a corner and savoring our time together.

Now there was only worry on his face, despite his attempt at disguising it as he finally looked at me. The smile that was there now seemed doubtful; as I searched his eyes, I felt a tiny shudder of dread.

There’s a low dividing wall that edges along the bottom of the I-110 on-ramp at Gregory Street, unruly vines creeping over its red bricks to do battle with the graffiti so boldly and artfully executed across its rough surface.

One phrase etched in bright yellow block lettering offered an unexpected source of encouragement to anyone who happened to catch a glimpse as they drove past.

You are beautiful.

The first time I saw it, I cried. I couldn’t help it. Something in me had needed to see those words that day, in that particular moment – and it was almost like a gift meant just for me.

I looked now, just like I always did, for those words as I drove towards the ramp, needing something to boost my spirits. What I saw was as sharp as an unexpected blow to my solar plexus. The wall had been scrubbed clean, the overgrowth trimmed back to reveal a recent attempt at city clean-up. I felt tears well up in my eyes, disappointment tipping my precariously-balanced emotional state so that it finally fell and shattered.

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