Hopelessly Devoted To You

‘Well, it’s a numbers game, isn’t it? And I reckon my lucky number must come up soon. This one’s an alternative comedian. His name’s Max. He sounds really funny and quirky and right up my street.’

‘Oh, great. Well, I hope it goes well. And I’m really sorry about tonight. Do you want me to call you tomorrow night just in case?’

‘Nah, don’t worry. You’ll have enough on your plate with Finn and if I run into problems I can always use the tummy-bug excuse, but I don’t think I will. I have a really good feeling about Max.’

‘You do? Well, I keep my fingers crossed for you.’ Ruby smiled. The excitement she felt at Laura’s enthusiasm for her next date was quickly squashed by the complete dread and trepidation she felt for her own big date with Finn. If only they could swap places, Ruby thought with a sigh.

***

The following evening the doorbell rang and Ruby’s heart plummeted to the bottom of her pumps. Ordinarily she would have worn a tight little black number with a pair of the black strappy high heels that Finn so loved, but she didn’t want his last memory of her to be one where she was looking absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous amazing. Perhaps if she looked a bit ropey, kept her make-up to a minimum, and threw on some old jeans and a sweatshirt then, sub-consciously, Finn might think it wasn’t so bad that he had just been dumped after all.

Who was she kidding? Finn wasn’t like that. He had depth, sincerity and honesty, qualities Ruby felt sadly lacking in at the moment. She knew Finn would think her beautiful dressed in a black bin liner. She didn’t intend going that far but her black trousers and a green floaty blouse would have to do. Smart but not too frivolous. And definitely not sexy.

She sighed. There were far too many decisions to be made when it came to dumping your boyfriend.

As well as what to wear, she’d thought long and hard about what she should prepare for their ‘Last Supper’. Should it be Finn’s favourite meal of lamb noisettes in a redcurrant jus or would that just be rubbing salt in the wound? Would it be better to give him some seafood? He hated fish and so did she; they could bond over the dodgy food and perhaps he wouldn’t notice he’d just been dumped. Then again she wasn’t confident about cooking fish and she didn’t want to give him food poisoning on top of a broken heart. Still, it would hardly matter. It wasn’t as if his one overriding memory of this fateful evening would be what she cooked or what she was wearing. In the end she plumped for a juicy fillet steak. What man didn’t like that? Hopefully it was relatively foolproof and good sustaining fodder to see you through any sort of unexpected emotional trauma.

Smoothing her hair away from her face, she ran along the hallway, took a deep breath and pulled open the door.

‘Finn!’

‘Hello, darling,’ he said, handing over the biggest bouquet of lilies she’d seen with one hand and presenting a bottle of pink champagne with the other. Why did he have to go and do that? Tonight of all nights. He leant down to kiss her, his hands finding her waist, a familiar waft of his lemon-scented aftershave reaching her nostrils.

She laughed and edged away from him, that now familiar sense of claustrophobia threatening to overwhelm her.

‘Flowers and champagne too? What are we celebrating?’ she asked, extracting herself from his embrace, trying to avoid his gaze, which she knew without even looking would be focused on her longingly. She wandered into the kitchen busying herself with finding a vase for the flowers.

‘Since when did we need anything to celebrate? We’re getting married in less than three months. It’s Friday night. I’m about to have a romantic meal with the woman I love. What more could one man need, exactly?’ His words were full of sweet, warm affection.

Ruby forced a laugh, feeling as though her heart might explode. She just needed to keep Laura’s words at the forefront of her mind. Don’t be distracted. Don’t bottle out. Don’t be seduced by his reassuring familiarity, however tempting it was to forget what she was supposed to be doing here tonight. She tried to look at Finn dispassionately.

Okay, he was gorgeous. Even if she was being hyper-critical, there was no getting away from that one. And tonight, annoyingly, for this momentous occasion, he was looking especially so. He was tall, well over six feet and broad and muscular, testament to the number of hours he put in at the gym. His chestnut-brown hair was cut neatly, befitting his role as a city lawyer in a top firm, but only proving to accentuate his strongly defined features and jawline.

In casually cut blue jeans, brown belt, a white crisp shirt open at the neck, brown deck shoes, he looked effortlessly stylish. Effortlessly chic. Typically Finn.

Not that he cultivated his cool good looks in any way. Finn looked exactly the way nature intended. Which just so happened to be pretty damn gorgeous.

Looking at him now, in all his glorious gorgeousness, she wondered if this would be her last remaining memory of him.

Finn was undoubtedly hot and yet she realised, with a heartfelt pang, she felt nothing for him any more, not even a trace of desire. When they first got together they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, but if she was being honest with herself she’d been missing that loving feeling for months. Nausea rose in the back of her throat and her stomach churned with anxiety. Wasn’t that proof enough that their relationship was over?

She sighed inwardly, sadness creeping around her body, knowing that she was throwing away their shared future, one they’d discussed on many occasions. One that Finn had spent the last ten years working for and would continue to work for, all so that he could provide for Ruby and the children they would inevitably have together. There’d be an apartment in the city, a big house in the country, the obligatory dogs, long summer holidays spent at their villa in Tuscany or the South of France.

And she was throwing it away for what? She had no idea. Her income from her freelance work as an illustrator was unreliable to say the least. Some weeks, most weeks, she had to work shifts as a waitress just to bring in a bit of spare cash. The sort of money she brought home wouldn’t even come close to the sort of lifestyle she knew she’d be guaranteed if she stayed with Finn.

Still, this was not the time to get distracted by what-ifs.

It wasn’t about that. Money and all those material things. It was about her inner happiness. What was right in the long term for her and Finn. Trouble was she’d spent so long with Finn she couldn’t imagine a time when he wouldn’t be in her life. But that wasn’t a valid reason enough for her to stay.

If only she loved him the same way he loved her then everything would be so much simpler. But it wasn’t going to happen. She knew that now. She’d been waiting months, no, years, for it to happen and Laura was right. If she didn’t feel it now, what made her think she would wake up the day after their wedding and suddenly find herself madly and passionately in love with Finn? She’d been a fool to think that was even a remote possibility.

‘Oh, shit!’ she cried, remembering she’d left the sauté potatoes sautéing lightly, which were now, judging by the acrid smell wafting their way, singeing nicely.

‘They’ll be fine.’ Finn came up behind her, resting his hands on her waist, a small chuckle escaping his lips as he peered over her shoulder to survey the burnt offerings in the frying pan. ‘Just scrape the black bits off.’

There he was again, invading her territory, assaulting her senses. His easy familiarity washed over her like a big warm comfort blanket. The thought of telling Finn their relationship was over hadn’t been easy to contemplate when she’d discussed it with Laura. Now, with him breathing down her neck, it seemed like an insurmountable task.

‘Do you want to pour the wine? There’s one already open in the fridge,’ she asked, feeling a heat tinge her cheeks, wondering how she would ever get through the rest of the evening. Couldn’t she just tell him now without having to go through the whole cooking dinner thing? It was like being on Hell’s Kitchen with her walking ever closer into the fire. Thinking about it, she had no idea how he would react. Would he erupt into a fiery display of emotion? She doubted it. Finn was a clear-thinking, logical lawyer, used to keeping his emotions in check.

‘Everything okay?’

‘Mmm. Yes, fine.’ Ruby flapped a tea towel in front of her face to try and rid the kitchen of the smell of burning and to fan the heat from her glowing cheeks. ‘How would you like your steak cooked?’

Finn widened his deep blue eyes, a bemused smile flickering at the corners of his mouth.

‘Ideally rare, but however it comes is fine by me.’

What made her ask that? She sounded like a disinterested waitress. She knew everything there was to know about Finn, including how he liked his steak cooked.

She’d sat through enough expensive restaurant meals to know what he’d choose from a menu without even asking him. Judging by Finn’s expression, he was as bemused by her question as she was.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ His hands found her shoulders, his fingertips massaging her tense muscles as his warmly familiar features observed her closely. A shiver ran the length of her body. ‘It’s just that you seem a bit distracted, a bit uptight. We could always go out to eat instead, if you prefer.’

‘No!’ she snapped, extracting herself from his distracting hold. Why did he have to be so goddam reasonable the whole time? It drove her mad. ‘It’s almost done now. Go and sit down. Take the glasses through. I’ll be there in a minute.’

She could do this. She had to do this. She plonked the steaks on the plate. They were more chargrilled now than rare, to match the potatoes and her mood, but they would have to do. She was really past caring about the state of the food.

Chapter Two

Okay. Here goes, Ruby thought. It was now or never.

‘That was delicious.’ Finn smiled, pushing his plate to one side. ‘Let me go and fetch the champagne. I’ve got some news.’

Before Ruby’s mouth had even dropped open to numero uno unflattering pose, Finn was up and out into the kitchen, opening cupboard doors, leaving Ruby wondering how she’d missed her moment. What news could Finn possibly have? Maybe, just maybe, he’d been feeling the same way as her and wanted to call off their engagement. Wouldn’t that be a result? Only Finn wouldn’t be sweating over what to say or how to do it, he would just break open a bottle of finest champagne and announce it in his inimitable style. They’d raise a toast to the time they’d spent together and to their future separate lives and they would vow to stay in touch and remain good friends and there would be no hard feelings between them.

Now she was delving into the realms of fantasy. One thing she was certain of was Finn’s total and all-consuming love for her.

‘News?’ she said weakly, when he returned with the flutes and champagne bottle, the big smile on his face suggesting it was only good news he had to tell.

‘Yes. Owen Richardson called me into his office today.’ A smile lit up his features, his eyes shining with pride. ‘They’ve made me a partner.’

Ruby’s mouth fell open to say something but there was nothing forthcoming. Her mind ran over this shattering news.

‘Really? Oh, my goodness! That’s…that’s…’

Oh, God, no! Not today. Of all days. Was the God of Coincidences conspiring against Ruby to bring Finn the best news he could ever hope for on the day she was planning to give him the worst news he could ever imagine? She couldn’t have planned it worse if she’d tried.

‘That’s amazing,’ she managed, remembering she was still the devoted girlfriend. She forced herself to leap up from the chair and wrap her arms around Finn for a congratulatory hug.

It was amazing. More than amazing when she came to think of it. It was what Finn had been working for all those years, part of the master plan, but neither of them could have expected it to come now, so soon.

‘I know.’ He pulled back from her embrace, holding her at arm’s length, his eyes roaming her face with barely concealed excitement. ‘It’ll make me the youngest partner in the history of the firm. All those things we wanted to do, Ruby, we can do them so much sooner now.’

‘The youngest partner in the history of the firm.’ She shook her head, trying to take in the enormity of the news. ‘Congratulations, Finn. You really do deserve it.’ She forced herself to kiss him lightly on the lips. ‘Have you told your parents?’

‘Not yet. I haven’t told anyone. I wanted you to be the first to know.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘You know how much this means to me. It’s what I’ve been working for the last ten plus years. For it to come now, just before we get married, well, it’s beyond my wildest expectations. This is not just my victory, Ruby, you know that. It’s our victory. Everything I do, everything I work for, it’s for us, our future.’

He handed her a glass of champagne and she raised it briefly to his before downing the whole lot in one go. She loved champagne, loved the way the bubbles tickled her nostrils, loved its restorative effects, but today it went down without even touching the sides. She was already feeling woozy and light-headed, although whether that was from her earlier glasses of wine or the unexpected turn of events she really didn’t know.

Finn observed her amusedly before quickly topping up her glass to the brim.

‘I know. It took me by surprise I can tell you. I was thinking this would come in a couple of years’ time, but Owen reckons I’m ready it for now. He said he wanted to make sure my future stayed firmly with Richardsons. He didn’t want me being poached by another firm.’

‘Wow!’ said Ruby, feeling her cheeks stinging with adrenaline. ‘That is just amazing,’ she swooned. Although thinking about it, it wasn’t really that amazing. Not as far as Finn was concerned.

He’d sailed through grammar school, amassing a collection of A* in all his exams; he’d been captain of both the cricket and rugby teams and played for the county teams too; he was president of the debating society and went on to win a place at Oxford to read law. For the most part, what Finn set his mind to, Finn got. He was one of life’s golden boys. She wouldn’t be surprised if he became an astronaut one day or the Prime Minister or the President of the United States. And she definitely didn’t fancy being wife to any of those people.

She sighed inwardly at the enormity of the task in front of her. Could tonight be the night his halo was about to lose some of its bling?

‘I’ve got news too,’ she blurted out, surprising herself. Her words cut through the atmosphere and hung awkwardly in the air.

‘Really? That’s great.’ Finn’s jaw did a small sideward shift action. ‘Let’s have it, then.’

You see, that was the thing. She never really had news of her own. Well, not the sort of news Finn was used to sharing. The ‘oh, wow, look at me, look what I’ve just done’ kind of news. Her kind of news was of the ‘I went in town and bought this amazing dress, not my usual thing, it was a bit retro, but then I met Laura for lunch and she talked me out of it, said it made me look like someone’s mother so I decided to take it back and I bought this other one. Much more me. Then we went to that new coffee place on High Street and I had a piece of the most amazing carrot cake’ variety. Not really earth-shattering, attention-grabbing type news.

Although in fairness, Finn always managed to deliver his good fortune with a good helping of magnanimity and humility. It just hadn’t occurred to her before. That she’d never been the one with any discernible good news. Looked as if today wasn’t going to be the exception to that rule either.

‘I can’t marry you.’ The words slipped out before she’d really had a chance to decide whether it was a good idea or not.

Silence. A deafening silence.

‘Sorry?’

She’d said it now. She couldn’t unsay it. Couldn’t pretend that really she meant something else entirely.

‘I’m so sorry, Finn, but the thing is I can’t marry you.’

Finn tilted his head to the side, his skin puckering between his eyebrows, his mouth twitching in anticipation of a smile.

‘Hey, where’s this come from? Pre-wedding nerves? It’s understandable.’ He moved across to scoop her into his embrace, but she recoiled from his touch, her body rigid.

‘No, don’t do that.’ She pushed him away with her hands. ‘Please. Sit down. It’s not pre-wedding nerves. It’s nothing like that. It’s just, it’s just…you. I mean us. I mean me. I can’t marry you, because, well, I don’t…love you.’

She said it very quickly and quietly, hoping he’d get the gist but not the detail.

‘It’s as simple as that. Sorry.’

Finn’s face flickered with confusion, his long enviable eyelashes blinking furiously.

‘Sorry?’ His lip actually curled up in disgust.

‘Yes, I’m sorry. About all this. Sorry for what I’ve just said. But that’s the way it is,’ she said, finding a resolve she hadn’t known she possessed. Such an inadequate word, Ruby thought now, as she heard herself babbling away. It didn’t even come close to expressing the guilt and despair and deep, deep sadness she was feeling. She couldn’t look Finn in the eye. Didn’t want to acknowledge the accusation and disbelief she knew she would find there.

‘I don’t understand.’ Finn’s voice was fractured, his expression troubled.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Ruby hadn’t thought beyond telling Finn, hadn’t contemplated having to explain, to justify herself. She’d only thought about breaking the news and then it being over. Hadn’t he read the script? He was meant to go now, but he wasn’t showing any signs of making a move.

He stood up, his long body unfurling slowly. Thank God. Just go, Finn. Just walk out of the door and don’t look back. His strong broad frame suddenly looked much stronger and broader, his unmistakably masculine presence filling every corner of the room. He did one circuit of the table, his movements precise and calculated, his hands clasped together in front of him as though he were about to deliver his summing-up in an important court case.

‘I don’t get it. You don’t love me?’

He said the words as though he’d never heard them before. Certainly not in that order.

‘Help me out here, Ruby.’

He turned to look at her, a fire flaring in his eyes she didn’t recognise.

‘We’re getting married in a couple of months’ time. It’s what we’ve always wanted, isn’t it?’ He shook his head as though he was trying to make sense of it himself. ‘I love you with all my heart.’ He banged on his heart for demonstration purposes, which Ruby thought wasn’t entirely necessary. ‘Everything. I thought you loved me too.’

With his gaze fixed intently upon hers, all she could do was give a small shake of her head, unable to find any better, more suitable words.

‘You don’t love me?’

She shook her head again, not wanting to give him false hope, just wanting him to get the meaning of her message, which clearly he was struggling to understand. She dropped her gaze to the floor, not wanting to see the reproach in his eyes.

‘Jesus, Ruby! How long have you felt like this?’

Even if she couldn’t see his reproach, she could feel it.

‘Oh, great, I see.’ He held up his hand to stop her faltering reply. ‘That’s just fucking marvellous.’

Ruby could barely look as he ran his hands through his hair, his distress all too clear to see in his features. Her stomach tumbled. Even in his despair, he still managed to look breathtakingly handsome. Not appropriate, not now, she chided herself.

‘And you only decide now to tell me. Two months before we’re due to get married. On the day that I’m told I’m being made a partner as well. I have to say your timing’s absolutely fucking brilliant.’

She flinched. Finn didn’t swear, not in front of her at least. His raw aggression was something she’d never witnessed before. His simmering anger was palpable. She wasn’t certain she liked it. At this moment she longed for her sweet, adoring, charming Finn to make a reappearance, but she had a suspicion he’d left the building for good.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Stop saying sorry!’ He gave a dismissive shrug. ‘You’re not sorry!’ He flourished his arm in the air. ‘Have you any idea? I don’t think you can have, Ruby.’ His voice was tight, unrecognisable even. ‘Not to do something like this.’ He paused, the silence and distance between them deafening. ‘Well, I should go,’ he said, looking with regret at the charred remains of their dinner on the table, the charred remains of their relationship haunting the scene. He made for the door, before turning to look at Ruby. ‘If this is what you want, then we’ll need to cancel everything. Let people know. I’ll leave that to you, if you don’t mind.’

‘Yes, sure. I’ll sort it. Don’t worry about that. I’ll deal with everything, tell everybody.’ Ruby’s voice trailed away as she saw the utter defeat and humiliation in his eyes. Oh, no! What had she done? She wanted nothing more than to run to his side and throw her arms around his neck and tell him it had all been a terrible mistake. To rewind to where they’d been only an hour or so ago. Whatever had she been thinking?

He shook his head and stormed out of the front door. Ruby followed him, her heart racing in her chest, her mind throbbing with the enormity of what she’d done. Could she really let Finn walk out of her life for ever?

‘Finn!’ Her heartfelt call came from somewhere deep within her soul, surprising herself and Finn. She had no idea what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want him to leave, not yet.

‘What, Ruby?’ He’d reached the top of the staircase, one hand resting on the polished banister. He turned to look at her, but it was like looking at a stranger. There was a hardness in his eyes that she’d never seen before. Finn, the man she’d known for years and very nearly loved, liked an awful, awful lot actually now she came to think of it, was looking at her as though he hated her with every cell in his body. At that moment she wondered if she hadn’t actually loved him after all.

‘I… What I want to say…’ The words echoed around the communal hallway. ‘Do you want to come back inside? We can talk about it if you like. Work out what it is we’re going to do.’ Even as she said it, she knew it was probably one of the worst ideas she’d ever had.

‘No. Looks to me as though you’ve got it all worked out already, Ruby. I need to go.’

Finn’s hand loosened its grip on the stair rail. His broad frame moved away from her. She saw his foot teetering on the edge of the top step, saw it slip away from him, his leg buckling beneath him, propelling his crumpling figure forwards in an out-of-control somersault motion. She heard his small exclamation of surprise, the whole episode unfurling in painstakingly slow motion. Thump, thump, thump went his body down the stairwell, slowly, in Technicolor clarity until he landed at the bottom of the stairs, his head making a sickening crack on the stone floor.

‘Finn!’ she cried, her terror rooting her to the spot for one God-awful second before a desperate energy filled her veins and she dashed down the stairs to his side. His body was lifeless on the floor, a small pool of blood gathering at the side of his mouth. ‘Oh, God, Finn,’ she whispered, cradling his head in her hands, ‘what have I done?’

Chapter Three

‘What’s his name, love?’

‘Finn. Finn McRae.’ The ambulance arrived within seven minutes, the longest seven minutes of Ruby’s life. A lifetime in which she prayed to each and every conceivable god in the universe that if they would only ensure Finn’s well-being she would never ask for anything ever again. She wouldn’t moan about her lot, she wouldn’t take anybody or anything for granted and she wouldn’t do anything horrible to anyone ever again. Finn especially. She’d spend the rest of her life making it up to Finn, if only she could be given the chance. What she’d thought she didn’t want only a few hours ago, she wanted more now than anything she’d ever wanted in all her life. Finn couldn’t die. He wasn’t allowed to.