Forbidden:

His words take me by surprise. I realise that when I ran away it must have been a real shock to Alex. I didn’t want to believe what he’d told me about Ethan’s theory either, but all of his concerns seem to have disappeared overnight. Has something changed in Alex that I can’t see? His level of vibration is much lower than an angel’s and he’s not supposed to have conscious knowledge. Maybe his instinctive sensitivity is constantly picking up on what his subconscious is trying to tell him.

How can this work between us, with so much that can’t be said or discussed? How far am I allowed to go before there is a consequence? As my mentor warned, I will then have to handle any changes that occur as a result of my actions. I’ve been talking Alex into believing that we can be together and make a future where we can become more than the sum total of two individuals. Am I now the one backing away? Does Alex sense that this morning? In fairness to us both, I need to think this through a little before I say anymore. I wonder, fleetingly, if the tables have turned. Am I in danger of altering Alex’s future, robbing him of his true destiny in this life if I don’t let him go? I wonder why we feel such a strong bond, which on one level feels so right yet on another so wrong.

“What? What are you thinking? Don’t hide your feelings from me Ceri, that’s all I ask. I’m sorry I panicked, that’s all it was. You are right. Ethan’s theory is only a theory.”

“Let’s take each day as it comes. Try not worry too much about tomorrow for the moment. I’m feeling a little off-colour today…”

“Hey angel,” I love the sense of warmth in his voice as he says that word, “you are my angel, Ceri, beyond any shadow of a doubt. We’ve been through a lot and now it’s our turn to grab some happiness. The thought of losing you completely scared me, even though it was due to my own stupidity.” He places his hand on my cheek, his eyes gazing into mine as if he’s searching for something. “Look, I’m going to be late if I don’t leave for work. We’ll talk about what happened when I get home tonight. Please try to have a relaxing day, you look really tired. I’ll pick up something for that sore throat. See you later.” He stoops to kiss me, lingering a moment to look at me before pulling away. “I never dared to dream this day would come. You’ll still be here when I get back this evening, won’t you?”

It’s an attempt at humour that has a hollow ring to it: he’s scared I’ll change my mind.

“Of course, now go! You can’t be late for work and I mustn’t laze around all day. I need to start job hunting. I’ll be here, promise!”

He turns to face me with the biggest smile on his face and a little thrill courses through my body. As I watch him walk away, I notice that what I always thought of as a sashay was really almost a dancer’s glide. I believed Alex wasn’t interested in women in general, but I’m beginning to see that it was his inherent sensitivity that helped reinforce my opinion. He’s tall, slim and lean, his body isn’t overly-developed but it’s well defined. The way he walks lends an air of femininity and, because his face is so perfect, there’s a sense of him not being quite real. Oh, listen to me! I can see inside him and I know the goodness and selflessness within his core, it’s just unusual for the outside to match the inside. Before my trip back to the ethereal world, if anyone had asked me what a reincarnated angel looks like, I would have given Alex as an example. Thinking about myself, I feel I probably present as someone who is rather nervous and often prefers their own company.

A loud “Huh,” escapes my lips. No one in their right mind would guess I was the angel. What I’m wondering is, how long would Alex have continued to live the life of a monk, hung up because he was in love with me but too scared by his dreams to say anything? His love has a depth that is way above his vibration level. It’s an emotion that I invoke within him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it exists within me too.

Chapter Five – A Friend In Need

I spend the morning phoning a few contacts, getting the word out that I’m looking for a job. Fortunately I know a lot of people in the business and losing my job with Portingale & Hughes Advertising isn’t quite the disaster I thought it would be. No one asks why I left, and I draw the conclusion that most people in the business have heard about Mason Portingale’s reputation. It’s well known that he isn’t an easy man to work for, although I wonder too if people sense he can be an outright bully at times.

Sheena arrived back in the UK yesterday and sent me a text suggesting we meet up. I’m longing to see her, but also worried that she’ll notice a change in me. She knows me better than anyone else, aside from my brother Seb, and this is a big test. Seb is still travelling; it’s his way of coming to terms with the sudden death of Anna on their wedding day. My instincts tell me he will eventually return, but not until he has worked through his grief in the only way that makes sense to him. He’s flitting about from country to country, his adrenalin junkie days firmly behind him now. Instead he’s using that energy to help people in need, as a volunteer. He’s in Cambodia at the moment, helping to build a new water course. His emails are merely a line or two, he doesn’t share much information and I know he’s simply letting me know he’s safe.

Not having him around makes Sheena’s presence even more important. She’s my family when Seb isn’t here. I only wish my parents could live with the fact that I’m so very different to Seb. He was the easy child and I was the black sheep. I doubt that will ever change.

We meet up at Starbucks and I’m running late, so Sheena is already in the queue when I arrive. We grab our lattes and manage to find a small corner table.

“What’s up?” She eyes me suspiciously, probably assuming I’ve had one of my psychic episodes.

“There’s been a development.” I feel a little awkward, not knowing where to start.

“Spill the beans.” She slips off her coat and leans across to give me a big hug. The instant we touch it’s like someone freezes the frame: that one moment appears to have stalled both time and movement. The seconds tick by and yet nothing moves. I break away, feeling as if someone has knocked the wind out of me.

Then I see her.

Kelly is here, as if she hadn’t died four years ago and is joining us for coffee today. Sheena is busy folding her coat and trying to find space under the table to accommodate her over-sized bag. In that split second I understand. Kelly has always been around Sheena, I just couldn’t see her before. She’s one of Sheena’s guardian angels. I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts as Sheena peers across the table at me.

“What’s up? You look like someone just walked over your grave.” Her voice snaps me back. I have to pull myself together.

“I’m coming down with something. I have a really sore throat…” the words die in my mouth as it becomes dry with anxiety. Kelly is standing a mere two feet away and appears as real as any of the other people in the café. In fact, that isn’t quite right. She appears more real and they are simply a paler backdrop.

“Poor you, I hope it isn’t so bad that you can’t tell me all your latest news.” Sheena adds sugar to her coffee, totally oblivious to the fact that Kelly is with us and for the first time in four years our little trio is reunited. I want to reach out and touch Kelly, to convince myself she’s real and yet I know she’s only here in spirit. Presenting to me, I swear, dressed as she was the last time I saw her. That was before the leukaemia had weakened her body and begun to claim her life. Tears gather in my eyes and Sheena is now staring at me.

“Ceri, what’s wrong?”

Should I tell her about Kelly? Accepting my gift is one thing; understanding that everyone has a link with the other side is another. I don’t want to frighten her.

“Alex is back in my life.” I’d intended to tell her anyway and I only hope she thinks the tears are because I’m emotional.

“Well, I’m not surprised exactly, although the guy really hurt you. I’ve never known you to run away from any situation before, but the way he talked to you was unforgiveable. Is it going to be a permanent thing?” Her concern is tangible; she’s looking out for my interests and thinks Alex might hurt me again. Kelly hasn’t moved: her image isn’t quite so sharp now but it’s comforting to know she’s there, listening.

“I think so. He stayed last night. He wants me to tell him about what happened while we were apart, hoping we can move on. I convinced him he has nothing to worry about and that we can be together.”

“Then what’s worrying you?” Sheena looks at life in a black and white way and I’m not sure she’ll understand.

“What if I’m wrong?”

“Well, you’ve known him for a little over two years. Considering you were so convinced he wasn’t into women at all, I think that says he isn’t fickle. I doubt many men would stand by nursing a broken heart and sitting alongside the one they love at work day in, day out. I’d say he has commitment, although I’m puzzled by the things he said to you when he lashed out. It struck me as a little out of character at the time.”

“I don’t mean I’m concerned about his motives. What about mine?”

Sheena raises her eyebrows.

“What have I missed? When you joined me in France to get away from everything you never mentioned ulterior motives. I know you Ceri, you don’t play with people. You love him. Hook, line and sinker.” She shrugs, obviously puzzled.

“But what if,” I look around and lower my voice, conscious too that Kelly hasn’t moved, “I’m using him. He’s the first guy I’ve found that didn’t back off the moment he found out that I see spirits. Quite the reverse, he’s been a tower of strength. He had a mild interest in the subject, as many do, but after I left he read a book I gave him and then met up with the author.”

“Really? Well, doesn’t that prove he has your best interests at heart? That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“But the guy he saw said we shouldn’t be together. He’s a medium and spiritual teacher; I’ve read most of his books. Remember I told you that Alex was holding back because he kept having this dream about me? It seemed to be warning him to keep his distance, but also encouraging him to help me. Every time he drew close to me on an emotional level, his dream showed something bad happening to me. Ethan channelled a message and he told Alex we aren’t meant to be together. I’m not Alex’s life-partner.”

I can’t be any clearer and Sheena sits back, slightly open-mouthed.

“Rubbish, we make our own destiny.” She looks a little annoyed. “Okay, I accept you see the other side but come on Ceri, a dream is just a dream. If it’s repetitive then surely it’s a hang up he has or some old memory about something unpleasant coming back to him. I doubt an hour goes by without you being in his thoughts, so they become tangled. Goodness, I dreamt about that guy from the latest James Bond movie last night, although that could be classed as more of a fantasy I suppose.” Her gaze moves around the room and I wonder if she can see or sense that Kelly is here. She’s never mentioned anything and I’m pretty sure I’d be the first one Sheena would consult.

“I feel like I’m trapping him. And what if we commit and then it falls apart?”

“Welcome to the real world. I live it each day,” she mutters. “Look, I’ve spent my entire adult life looking for Mr Right and there have been a lot of Mr Wrongs. He’s a dish, Ceri, he says he loves you and you believe him. I know how you feel about him, so for goodness sake lighten up. Stop looking for reasons not to commit, you’ll make me think this is really about you being scared of having a real, meaningful relationship.”

We move on to talk about Sheena’s time in Germany and the next project on the horizon. She’s been asked to accompany a business man on a buying trip to Italy. He’s in the antiques trade and he’s mega rich and, allegedly – her words, very handsome and dazzling company. I asked how she could possibly know that and she said she read all about him in one of the latest celebrity gossip magazines.

“Are you sure this is a translation job and not an escort service?” I can’t help myself laughing and then I notice that Kelly has disappeared. I stop mid-laugh and stare at the empty space.

“I probably shouldn’t ask, but are you having one of your psychic moments?” Sheena’s voice breaks into my thoughts.

“No, I just realised something about myself, that’s all,” I hedge. I can feel that Kelly is happy to be around Sheena to help and there is no need for any explanation of the role she’s playing in her life. I send her a virtual hug, knowing that she’ll feel it and appreciate our ethereal link.

“Well, stop being a drag and looking for the down side of everything. It’s a trend you seem to be following more and more these days. Let Alex brighten up your life and go for it, lady!”

It hit me that the moment Sheena and I hugged, I could see with a clarity I didn’t have before. Kelly has obviously always been around her. But when I’m close to Alex I can’t sense anything. I can see his aura, his energy and the goodness in him, but whatever links he has to the ethereal plane are hidden from me. Is that what mortal loves does? Invoke some invisible wall through which the future can’t be glimpsed?

Sheena leans forward, placing her hand over my arm.

“Take a little bit of advice, Ceri, meant in the spirit of sisterhood love. You have always felt you were unloveable, mainly because you never fitted in when you were younger either with your parents or your peers. Let go of it, don’t carry that scar around with you and let it influence the rest of your life. You are a catch and Alex is an extremely lucky man. Heck, if you don’t want him, throw him my way.”

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