One Moment At Sunrise

After a stroll around the town and the harbour, they ate in Chez Francois in Sete. Charlotte ate her monkfish, or lotte as she preferred to call it, like a hungry tiger. Seb and Evie shared a huge seafood platter accompanied by a cool Chablis. Evie began giggling with light-headedness. She hadn’t enjoyed a drink in ages. Seb was funny and teased both her and Charlotte; it was soothing when he began to act like his old self again. As soon as they reached home, she lay their sleeping daughter in her cot and changed her into pyjamas. Seb meanwhile went out to get more wine. He returned with a crate and many goodies which Evie imagined cost a few months’ worth of her allowance.

‘I’ll get my CD player and put on some music,’ she said as Seb poured her a glass of wine and opened himself a beer. ‘I’ve not added any new CD’s to my music collection, so I hope you don’t mind Adele, or Katy Perry. No, I’ll put Adele on.’

‘I’ll try to remember to bring you some next time.’ Seb sat on the sofa and tapped the seat beside him.

Placing her wine on the coffee table, Evie smiled as she sat down beside him. This was more like life should be. Although, it would be nice to actually go out and choose my own CDs, she wanted to tell him. Hell, as soon as she was earning from Ben, she would treat herself. Just one.

‘I’m so out of touch with the music scene. Oh, do you think you could you bring a nursery-rhyme CD for Charlotte?’

He raised his arm and pulled her close. ‘I’ll try to remember.’

She snuggled into his chest so easily. It was certainly good to have him home and she still yearned to have the old Seb back. Today had been good; chilling out in Sete and seeing Seb joking and laughing. It was just the tonic she needed after the several disappointments she had been through these past few weeks with him cancelling his visits. He was quite different now when he came home, generally his mind was on other things. He was more’ relaxed, compared to when he’d arrived, as was she, which was no doubt more due to the wine. However, it was still so wonderful to listen to his chest pounding in her ear and to feel loved occasionally. She responded to his squeeze, lifting her hand and stroking his hair. Seb then lifted her chin, placing his lips over hers, his hands sliding hungrily up her thigh. Evie’s body reacted with feeling for once – she was still a woman, not just a mother. Both got to their knees and as they kissed, he slid her down and entered.

As much as she tried, it was Ben Evie’s body yearned for. Seb lay back on the sofa panting, freeing her from his arms. She curled up her legs at the other end of the sofa, pulling down her dress, rearranging herself. Ben was finished for now. So, ok, it wasn’t as tender as it used to be, but if he was home more, she was sure it could get better and return to the passionate lusty days they used to share. He was like a drug she couldn’t wean herself from.

Chapter 6

Seb picked up his beer then the TV remote, and switched it on. He turned to Evie and said, as if reading her thoughts, ‘I do miss you, you do know that, I just wish I could get back here more often.’

‘It would be nice.’ Evie pushed her hair back, wishing they could be like this on a regular basis too. Maybe once or twice a month. That wouldn’t be asking too much. ‘Such a shame you won’t be here for Charlotte’s birthday.’

He pulled her towards him, leaning his arm on her shoulder. ‘If only I could. It’s getting busier with summer festivals and parties in the parks, that sort of thing. Charlotte has friends she can invite, presumably?’

Evie’s neck lurched forward to face him. ‘She doesn’t start kindergarten until she’s three and we don’t know any other mums around here. And, you don’t like me mixing, remember? Anyway, they’re mainly older people. We see children at the park sometimes.’ Evie now found it difficult to talk to people, especially when they asked about her partner and his job. It did seem easier to keep herself to herself nowadays. Besides, she had got so used to her own company and so engrossed in her books to pass the long empty hours that it was like she had forgotten how to socialise. In truth, and she would never admit it to Seb or anyone, she had become very withdrawn from the world, quite inhibited in fact.

Seb took the TV off mute. ‘You need to find some mum friends, otherwise it will get pretty lonely for you both. I’m sure my mother took us to a mother-toddler group even when we were babies. It wasn’t one of those where you just dumped your child.’

Evie picked up her glass of wine and took a mouthful as Seb stared at the screen. Seb’s mother, she imagined, had been among friends she had grown up with or had met at the NCT ante-natal; friends she socialised with at regular dinner parties, as their golfing husbands discussed property prices. Like her own mother possibly, pillars of the community, thriving on their fundraising and committees, patting themselves on the back at their coffee mornings. He’d told her once his mother had high moral standards and it would kill her if she discovered he’d had a child. Yes, good old middle-class ethics. He was clearly ashamed and feared scandal; just like her own mother. Evie didn’t really know much about his life. He’d rarely spoken about it. Especially his childhood. She’d never met his family and guessed she was never likely to, though she often wondered what they were like. So sad that Charlotte and her grandparents didn’t know one another. She could really do with a family around her.

He was so full of contradictions. She couldn’t win.

‘I don’t understand you, Seb. You don’t want me to mix in case anyone finds out about us, yet you are now implying I do the opposite.’

‘You don’t have to mention me, us.’

‘But people ask and it becomes awkward. What if they see you? They’ll know I’ve lied to them. You don’t understand, do you? I don’t know why we have to be so secretive. I thought we were a family but you insist on keeping up this charade.’ Evie now had the bit between her teeth. ‘I know you were upset, well quite violent actually, when I told you I was pregnant – but why did you decide to support us and tell me you wanted to make a go of it, when all you’ve done is leave us here alone? The relationship going nowhere. I mean, you’ve never mentioned marriage or having more children. I…’

Seb turned to face her, tapping his fingers on the arm of the sofa and bouncing his knee. ‘Look, I did warn you, I have my music.’

‘Yes, but other musicians have a wife and family. Being a family man isn’t a bad image. You still haven’t told your family either. It’s like you’re ashamed of me or something.’

She watched as he scratched his brow, his knees still bouncing. ‘It’s not how my family does things, I thought you understood all this. They’d be upset. They expect marriage before children. And the fans, they’d be devastated. They like an idol who is single. It gives them hope. As soon as an artist gets married, their’ followers decline. I can’t afford for that to happen yet. Maybe in a few years.’

Evie tucked her hands under her knees and stared into her lap. ‘You think I trapped you, don’t you?’

‘I wasn’t ready. It was a big blow. Look, I know it’s hard for you at the moment but I honestly don’t know what I can do to put it right. I’m doing my best. When I’m not focusing on writing the songs, I have to focus on performing, rehearsing, until every song on an album is the best it can be. The music and musicians, the mixing – they have to be spot on for recording, and then again for the stage. So many people rely on me. You’ve no idea of the pressure of being on the stage – when you’re waiting for the audience to engage, to like you, and to not spot when you mess up. Look, I don’t expect you to understand the mechanics, just the pressures, the travelling, the demands. I’m a product like any other. I’m like a toy, to be enjoyed for a while, then brushed aside. I rely on myself to keep my music fresh, to capture new audiences, to maintain the interest of the older ones, and to keep the manager and the team together, to keep the wheels turning for all our sakes. I bought this so that you and Charlotte will always have a home. If it all went belly up tomorrow, you could downsize and hopefully still have some sort of income.’ He pulled her shoulders back, gripping her chin and kissed her on the lips. ‘I love you, I want what’s best for my two beauties.’ It’s just that most of my time is in the US or UK. We’re stuck with it for now.’

Instantly flinching, Evie jumped up and clutched both hands on her waist. ‘Stuck with it. Stuck with Charlotte? Seb, she’s your daughter. You spent more time with me when we first met. You found the time then. Even when she was a baby, you spent several weeks here. I really thought you cared, despite your reaction. I thought we had something special. Now… now it seems you just don’t know what to do with us. Like a puppy you got for Christmas and you can’t be bothered with. God, I was so naïve.’

Seb leaped up and put his arm around her. ‘Neither of us meant for this to happen. Let’s just make the most of it. Try and find somewhere you and Charlotte can go where she can make friends and you have some company.’ He kissed her hair and lowered his head, smiling into her eyes. ‘You both mean the world to me.’

Reluctantly, Evie met his gaze, wishing to believe him. ‘I can’t live in a cage like you expect. I’m turning into a hermit. I need something else to do. Some normal existence.’

She peered vacantly at the floor, trying to comprehend. Seb took her hand and led her back to the sofa, then sat down beside her. With one hand stroking her arm, he picked up the remote with the other.

‘You must get lonely. I understand.’ Seb said, flicking through TV channels and adding the sound.

Feeling like she’d been given a dummy to pacify her, Evie drew her legs up and tucked them underneath her. Seeing her book tucked down in the cushion, she picked it up. ‘I do, especially in the winter months when it’s dark. TV is boring. It’s lucky I have my books.’ Noticing Seb had hit the sports channel and was distracted by a Formula One racing driver interview, she continued. ‘Charlotte’s just finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy and is running out of material.’ She paused, when he failed to respond, and sat back. ‘There’s just not enough for two-year-olds. I thought she might like Fifty Shades next.’

He stared at her blankly, missing her irony entirely.

He squeezed the mute button. ‘Sorry, I was listening to the TV.’

‘I said it might be useful if we had a computer,’ she said, now having his attention. ‘We could find things to do like games or learning apps. Could you get one? Just a second-hand one will be fine.’

‘Not necessary. She has lots of toys. She is definitely too young for a computer.’

‘Well I’d find one useful. I could…’

‘This house alone costs a fortune to run. Evie, you have your books. I promise to try and get back more.’

He kissed her lightly on the lips and turned again to the screen, clicking it off mute.

‘Seb, I need to do more. I need something to occupy me. ‘If I had more to do… A job maybe, to get me out.’

He sat slumped, engrossed in the screen. He was obviously bored and had switched off. Was she just going to continue sitting around, waiting for him to fulfil his music career? She could be old and grey and yet still waiting for him to step back from his first love – his fame – and still Charlotte wouldn’t know her father, or anyone else come to that.

Seb cricked his neck. Evie sensed either he wasn’t comfortable with the idea or wasn’t listening. He was difficult to read and she needed to know. She took another sip of wine and crossed her legs while he scratched his chin and surveyed his empty glass.

‘Why? You’ve got everything you need. Anyway, you enjoy reading.’

She grabbed the remote from his hand and pressed the mute. ‘Seb, listen to me,’ she demanded, surprised at her impulsive pluck. ‘If I worked, it would help our relationship too. I wouldn’t resent you being away so much if I had a job. I would be happier and Charlotte could go to a good crèche and make friends. Even if I worked two or three morning a week. In fact, I could help out financially too and pay for a computer myself.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. Where are all these ideas coming from? You don’t need to work. You have more than enough income to live. I don’t know what’s got into you.’

‘But that’s just it. I exist. I want to live a little more. It would be nice to take Charlotte to the zoo or buy her a treat or a nice little dress. What spare cash I have, I save for her birthday, or Christmas.’

‘The income is so that you bring Charlotte up, not for luxury trips and flouncy dresses. I want you to bring her up, not some childminder who doesn’t even care about her. I won’t have you working, Evie. I won’t. Do you hear?’

She tentatively bit her lip.

‘You’re right Seb, but at least let me try and prove to you that I can work without it affecting our relationship. We could all benefit.’

‘Hey, Evie, listen to me.’ Seb pulled her to his chest. ‘You don’t need a job. You have one, looking after our daughter. You’ve got me wrong. Of course I want to be here. I want to see more of Charlotte, and you, and I want our relationship to work. It’s hard, that’s all. My head is in a different place much of the time. You have to understand.’ He squeezed her arm. ‘I’ll get you another drink. I bought some tasty Roquefort. Fancy some?’

Evie shook her head. ‘Just a small glass of wine, thank you,’ she said, biting her cheek and pulling long tendrils of hair to her chest as Seb stood up. That was too much. She could risk everything she and Charlotte had. She could push him too far and the last thing they needed was to be homeless with no funds at all. She had nowhere to go.

Seb returned with the wine and cheese, placing them down on the table. He sat beside her and pecked her gently again on her lips. ‘I’m sorry. It’s not easy, I’m sure. If I made millions, I would have you with me, but this business is tough.’

Twisting her mouth, she gave a reluctant nod.

Lifting his hand, he gently cupped her chin. ‘Tell you what, I’ll increase your allowance a bit, how’s that?’ he said, planting a tender peck on her nose.

Hugging herself, again she nestled deeper into the sofa. Leave it, she told herself. Perhaps she was being unreasonable and should count herself lucky. He had agreed to up her allowance, she couldn’t really argue… but then why did she feel he’d just reeled her in again?

Chapter 7

Evie woke when she heard Charlotte. Seb was out for the count and she slipped out of the bedroom and into their child’s room, her head throbbing from too much alcohol and not enough sleep. As Charlotte chatted away to her toys in the cot, Evie gave a grateful smile, blew her a kiss and, closing the door, nestled into the nursery chair. She’d lain awake for hours trying to think of ways to make her relationship with Seb work, but how could it work if his absence continued and she was so restricted. What difference would it make to him if she had a little job? It’s not like she was intending to jet off around the world. She’d be on a computer at home or just cycling locally. What had she really signed up to here? It wasn’t what she had anticipated, that’s for sure. But then, she had rushed in thinking Seb Wilde was mad about her and was buying them all a home to live in happily ever after, despite the warnings from her family. Had she been so deluded?

She hadn’t known Seb very long, only seven weeks in fact, when she’d discovered she was pregnant. At the beginning of their relationship, Seb was so sweet, their early romance fun and so loving. They seemed to have so much in common, both lovers of Stephen King books – often reading them to one another – they enjoyed watching the hilarious antics of the actor Will Ferrell, and listening to the seductive melancholic tones of singer Adele. Seb made her feel special, driving around in his open jeep around the island of Majorca, through the mountains, among the orange and lemon groves, walking along the beautiful beach close to his villa. They were a beautiful couple in love. Or so she thought.

The bliss soon spun to brutality when she’d burst out from the bathroom with the stick of evidence, thinking how delighted he would be. He’d claimed he’ loved her, after all. But his reaction completely stunned her. The condemnation in his eyes created a permanent scar inside her and what he’d immediately suggested still to this day reverberated in her ears.

‘I’ll ring the clinic. You can get rid of it straightaway,’ he’d said. ‘No hesitation, no thought, just a rote response, like she’d discovered a rat in the bathroom.

‘But it’s my child. Our child. I can’t.’

‘I don’t know that.’

‘But you’re the only one…’

‘Don’t give me that crap. I guarantee you will live to regret having that child.’

Evie’s heart had crumpled on the spot. ‘Seb, don’t joke. That’s cruel.’

He jumped out of the bed and didn’t return until the following morning.

It had got worse, far worse, over the next week. They’d argued so much. He’d been as adamant to terminate the pregnancy as she’d been to keep it. It was killing the relationship. It broke her heart to see how vicious Seb Wilde could be and in her anger, she’d actually threatened to make it public. Something she’d vowed to herself she wouldn’t do, but in desperation to keep the child, the words rushed out. ‘I’ll tell the press what a bastard you really are.’ His hand had then reached for her throat. He’d forced her backwards against the wall. Yes, he’d been pushed to his limit but so had she. That was the final straw. She’d taken about as much abuse as she could stomach and returned to England, having made up her mind she would manage alone.

Naturally, her sister and parents agreed it wasn’t the best idea but she couldn’t face the alternative. He’d then rung three or four times a week to dissuade her, but her mind was fixed. Then three weeks later, he’d turned up on her doorstep turning back on his charm, concerned about his reputation more than anything else, but with an offer Evie couldn’t resist – to choose where she wanted to live so that they could move in together. The cost to her family was high, however. He’d persuaded her it was the best thing all round. In fact, within weeks, he’d transformed from Satan back to Angel Gabriel, promising everything. The future looked hopeful.

Even though she’d understood Seb’s music career would take precedence, he was away far more than she had anticipated. In fact – apart from the first few weeks after Charlotte was born – when she added it up, he’d only stayed here about ten or twelve weeks in total over the last few years. He’d missed his daughter’s first smile, sitting up for the first time, first words, and her first steps. All those exciting moments which parents love to share.

‘Mummy, milk Mummy.’ Charlotte broke her trance. She glanced adoringly at her daughter. Pink cheeks glowing from translucent skin pinched her heart as she slid over to her child and lifted the outstretched arms.

‘I will never regret having you,’ Evie whispered. ‘And between you and me, I think your daddy is just playing a game. Come on, let’s cycle to the library today. Mummy has something rather more stimulating to do for a change. Shhh, our secret!’

After breakfast, Evie was showering with Charlotte, thinking how exciting her research task for Ben would be, when Seb entered the main bathroom freshly showered, shaved and wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He hung an apologetic head.

‘Sorry my visit is so short but I need to go. I’ve got a plane to catch.’

Evie switched off the shower and reached for the towels. ‘Yes, brief, but will we see you soon?’

‘I will try. Have a happy birthday Charlotte,’ he said, one hand on his hip and rubbing the back of his neck as he lingered. Evie couldn’t tell if he felt awkward approaching his daughter or if it was guilt for leaving.

Wrapping Charlotte first, Evie lifted her for Seb to kiss.

He moved his hand and waved. ‘Bye.’

Evie’s eyes narrowed. Why did she have to spell it out to him? ‘What about a kiss for your daughter?’

‘Oh, sorry, yes,’ he grinned, leaning forward and kissing them both briefly. ‘Right. Bye. See you soon. And, remember what I said. You don’t need to work and tell me if you need to leave here to see your family. I’ll arrange transport, maybe come with you if I can.’

What was he thinking? Why was he so against her doing anything? Burning with fury, she strapped Charlotte into her seat on the back of the bike and headed out to the canal. She peddled hard to the bridge at Colombiers and once across, turned towards the Malpas tunnel rather than directly to Beziers, just for a longer ride. Thank goodness she had her bike; as well as releasing the tension Seb had left, she found it increasingly useful as a time to reflect and think – Charlotte rarely chatted or made demands whilst on the back. And Seb had worried her this morning. He was interacting less and less with his daughter; showing little affection. Wasn’t it natural to want to kiss your child? It seemed he was so obsessed with his music, he lost track of what was real.

Seb couldn’t understand her feelings. He was with his team and working most of the time. How would he know the emptiness of those long days or nights alone, isolated with nothing but hope; wishing, dreaming he would walk through the door. She accepted he couldn’t provide everything to widen her horizons, allow her to travel, but being able to take their daughter out would be educational, having a computer would benefit them both and, if she did contribute, he wouldn’t resent her so much. It could certainly help their relationship and could be a way to recapture what they’d had. She’d convinced her family she would be happy and was loath to admit defeat. As her mother had said, she had made her bed, she would have to lie in it. Alas, it was all she’d ever wanted and now they were at loggerheads and she didn’t know what to do. The work Ben had offered sounded exciting and one she could hopefully carry out without Seb finding out, but if that didn’t work out, she now at least felt worthy enough to try.

Arriving just before the Malpas tunnel, she stopped breathless before the path inclined. Perspiration poured from her skin as she twisted around and glimpsed at Charlotte.

‘Phew, you ok poppet? I feel a bit better, or at least invigorated. Let’s get to the library. We’ll find some lovely colourful books you can look at,’ she said, stepping off and wheeling the dusty new bike full circle so that it faced Beziers.

‘Butterfly, Mummy.’

Evie’s eyes trailed Charlotte’s finger to her saddle. On it, with twitching yellow tinged-wings, the swallowtail butterfly rested. There was something wonderfully hypnotic as it fluttered, revealing hues of effervescent blue and spots of red on its tail.

‘How beautiful. Look how exquisite that pattern is.’

‘Bootifal Mummy.’

They watched in awe at its form and symmetry, the sun shimmering, even on the darkest black. ‘I don’t think she wants us to go. She wants to ride with us but Mummy can’t sit on her, can she?’

‘Butterfly sitting, ha ha.’ Charlotte giggled. ‘Hello butterfly.’

‘Perhaps she’ll tell us how she’s changed from a tiny egg to a butterfly. She has been working hard. You see, from her egg she was born a caterpillar, you’ve seen one of those, haven’t you. And after days of feeding and spinning her silk she wraps herself into a chrysalis – like a little fluffy white ball – before emerging, days later, as this, a beautiful butterfly.’

It sounded so simple, Evie thought as it suddenly took flight. Such a little thing totally dependent on itself to transform. Perhaps she ought to depend on her own resources to climb out of her rut. She could spend many, many years alone with Seb away. The thought of falling down into those dismal depths, the thought of feeling so lost again… it was not appealing. So much of that time she’d spent seeking comfort, listening to Seb’s soothing tones as she played his tracks over and over, losing herself in a bubble of longing. It seemed such a waste now. It was time she found something to fit with her care for Charlotte. Despite Seb, she was determined. Maybe this work she’d do for Ben could be the start of something.