Confessions from a Package Tour

In the end, I decide to stay. It is getting late and, who knows? Maybe all Continental hotels are like this. So far, I have not come to grips with enough foreigners to know what the form is. I very nearly comes to grips with Fifi because she rips off one of her high-heeled shoes and waves it under my nose before racing out of the room and rushing down the stairs. She looks like Hopalong Cassidy dragging herself through the door on one grotesquely high heel. I imagine that she is going to retrieve her wig, and wait in the room until the screams and shouts have died away. I do hope it is not as noisy as this all the time. In my present condition a good night’s undisturbed sleep is absolutely vital to my well-being.

When silence has reigned for a couple of minutes, I decide that it is safe to go downstairs. The manager has the most terrible scratches down the side of his face and is sucking his knuckles thoughtfully. It is obvious that he is not pleased with life and I am worried that he may make difficulties about ringing up Penny. To my surprise, his attitude is quite the reverse of what I had anticipated. He looks at his watch and practically snatches the telephone off its rest. The only thing I cannot make him understand is that we want to share a room. I keep trying to tell him that it must be cheaper but he shakes his head.

‘Two girl cost more,’ is all he will say. I do hope that he does not suspect that Penny and I are engaged in some unhealthy relationship. You never know how these foreigners’ minds work, do you?

When I am certain that Penny will get the message, I go upstairs again. I am not sorry to leave the foyer because it is filling up with a gaggle of over-dressed women who are lounging about in a very noisy and provocative way. I cannot understand what they are saying but they are clearly making fun of me and my Climax uniform. Their outfits make Fifi’s clothes look like something the Queen Mother would wear to open an old people’s home so I don’t know what they have got to talk about. So much for Continental chic. It’s more like shriek than chic. I return to my room and unpack my robe. I do not even have a shower, only a basin and a funny sort of foot bath thing. The Belgians are obviously very fussy about their feet. There must be a bathroom somewhere on the floor. I will have to go and look for it. I strip off my clothes and look at myself in the full length mirror – it is funny that a room so short in the fixtures and fittings department should have such a big mirror. I have hardly eaten anything in the last twenty-four hours and this has clearly done my figure some good. The little pads of flesh above my hips have disappeared and my bottom looks nice and firm when I stand sideways. My breasts, too, seem to have a good, tight line. I wonder what my one-day Mr Right would say if he could see me now? The thought makes me blush. I wonder what he looks like – not in the nude, of course! The very idea makes me blush even redder. It is strange, but when I look into the mirror I almost feel that I can make out the outline of a man behind the glass. It must be some kind of thought projection. I read an article about it in Titbits. Perhaps I am sciatic? Best to go and find the bathroom and not meddle with the unknown. What the future holds for us will be revealed in good time. I slip on my robe and notice that the air conditioning switches itself off immediately. I could distinctly hear it whirring when I was in front of the mirror. How strange. There is certainly no change in the temperature of the room. It is just as stuffy as it was when I first came through the door – stuffier if anything. I wonder if it has something to do with the smoke coming through the ventilation grill?

I go out and pass Fifi in the corridor. She is wearing her wig and hurrying downstairs. She shakes her fist under my nose and says something unpleasant but I take no notice of her. I think there is something wrong with her, stupid old bag. There is no room with ‘salle de bain’ written on it so I try the door at the very end of the corridor. To my disappointment, there is only a rather smelly shower. What a nuisance! I was so looking forward to luxuriating in a hot sudsy bath. What is strange about the shower is that there is nowhere to hang your robe and, seemingly, nowhere for the water to come out. What I find really ridiculous are the two concrete footprints in the middle of the floor. Surely everybody knows where to stand in a shower! Maybe they are there to stop you putting your foot down the large drain hole. It really should have a grill over it. I look around for a hook and then drop my robe on the floor outside the shower. There is no point in getting in soaking wet, is there? Another puzzling feature of the shower is that there only seems to be one control. A knob set in the wall in front of me. I suppose this means that there is no hot water. What a let-down after all my hopes of sensuous soaking. Ah well, no sense in moaning. Remember you are British, Dixon. I take a deep breath, steel myself and extend an unenthusiastic thumb – WOWWWCH! There is a horrible hissing noise and a torrent of water ricochets round my ankles. I am so surprised and horrified that I tumble backwards and collapse in the corridor. The ghastly contraption must be another kind of Belgian foot bath. Do these people have no desire to wash any other part of their bodies?

As I try to pull myself together, I become conscious of laughter and excited male chatter behind me. I turn and – oh dear! Half a dozen sailors wearing a uniform I do not recognise have crowded into the corridor. Their eyes sparkle as they feast themselves upon my naked body and I scrabble desperately for my robe. How terribly embarrassing! If I had known this was going to happen I would have had a quick sponge down in the footbath. I rise to my feet and, immediately, one of the sailors snatches up my robe. He has Slavic cheek bones and I imagine that he is about to return the garment with a courteous bow. Not a bit of it! He flings it over his shoulder and gives me the most enormous squidge between the thighs. I am so taken aback that for a second I stare at his hand as if it is a visitor from another planet – of course, in that situation, it might just as well be.

‘Goodsky!’ he says approvingly. ‘Tightsky as guard on Kremlin.’

While I am trying to think what he means, his companions let out a triumphant cheer and one of them lowers the trap door of material at the front of his bell bottoms.

‘Step aside!’ I shout. ‘Have you taken leave of your senses?’ I brush past the clutching hands and, pausing to bend down and snatch up my robe – a big mistake, that – I race back to my room. And it is a race, too. The first sailor is trying to get through the door as I slam it in his face.

Hardly have I drawn breath and pressed my shoulders against the door than I receive another unpleasant shock. I am not alone in the room. A slim dark-skinned, black-haired young man is standing by the wash basin. Were I introduced to him at a Young Conservatives’ Cheese and Wine Party I would probably find his looks quite appealing but in my present ruffled state any stranger constitutes a threat.

‘What are you doing here?’ I say. ‘This is my room. If you don’t leave immediately I will call the manager!’ I move as if to fling open the door and then think better of it. I can hear the sailors talking outside and I don’t want to bump into them again in a hurry.

‘I pay man,’ says my guest in faltering English. ‘You are Inglese? Is first time with Inglese. Very nice. Hope.’ So saying, he unbuttons his flies and holds out a small bar of gift-wrapped soap that he has taken from the basin. I am struck absolutely speechless. No words will form in my mouth and I find it impossible to cry out. ‘You wash,’ he says.

It is absolutely amazing, isn’t it? Why should this perfectly normal looking young man want me to wash while he exposes himself before me? I do meet some funny people but this chap takes the biscuit. ‘You wash yourself!’ I say, unable to keep the anger out of my voice.

To my amazement, the man shrugs his shoulders and proceeds to remove the wrapping paper from the bar of soap and work up a rich lather. I have not thought it seemly to comment on the size of his ‘thing’ but it really is enormous. Quite out of proportion to the rest of him. He is slim and slight, while the piece of equipment dangling between his legs looks like a young elephant’s trunk gripping a Cox’s orange pippin. While I try and control the mixture of awe and disgust which sweeps through my affronted frame, the owner of the love bludgeon calmly proceeds to anoint it with the lather he has worked up. The sight is enough to send shivers of horror through the most corrupted heart and the effect on my delicate sensibilities can be imagined. It is only by clinging to the knob at the end of the bed post that I manage to exert some control over myself. What makes the whole thing even more difficult to stomach is the way that the power-packed passion python lurches into the horizontal and then begins to point towards the ceiling. As I look on, mesmerised by this horrible sight, the stranger seizes my face flannel and proceeds to rub his enormous organ with it.

‘Do you mind!’ I say. ‘I use that on my face.’

At first, I think that the man has understood what I have said because he puts down my flannel and turns towards me. ‘Very good,’ he says, moving to my side. ‘I like.’ He waits expectantly and I suddenly realise that there has been a terrible mistake. ‘I mean, I use the flannel on my face!’ I say, blushing furiously.

Oh dear, it is embarrassing, isn’t it? The great marrow arrow is nodding in front of me like some dumb creature trying to show that it understands and in my confused desire to stop the room spinning round I reach out and steady it. It is not that I want to touch it, it is just that I can’t bear the way it moves up and down. Totally misunderstanding my gesture, the man presses me down on the bed and stations himself between my legs. Once again I find myself on the horns of a dilemma – or, more exactly, nearly on the horn of a dilemma. If I give vent to the screams of horrified disgust that are welling up inside me, then the groping matelots will probably burst through the door. On my limited experience of their company can I honestly say that I am likely to fare better at their hands – and other things – than I am with the licentious Latin now attempting to give me a free nibble of his love lolly? The answer must be no. Terrifying as the prospect is, it seems better that I give this pussy bandit his way rather than raise the alarm and run the risk of sparking off a situation that could get out of hand. At least, I comfort myself, my principles will not be compromised.

Cheered by this thought I seize the flesh microphone and guide it away from my menaced molars. How strange the ways of the heart. Were the situation different I might be almost tempted to – no! The thought is too naughty even to be considered. What might take place behind the drawn curtains of the nuptial couch is not a fitting subject for conjecture in my present position – lying naked on the edge of the bed with my feet placed uneasily on the threadbare carpet.

An expression of disappointment hovers around the features of the proud possessor of the peerless pussy pummeller and is then replaced by one redolent of a new sense of purpose. Drawing away from the bed, he replaces himself between my thighs and strokes the head of his sceptre against my nether lips. Of course, it is all thoroughly underhand but I must confess to a feeling not totally disassociated with pleasure. I suppose that it is something to do with having a clear conscience. A few more gentle wriggles and I suddenly feel like a goldfinch’s nest that has had an ostrich egg laid in it. The provocative pelvis pounder pauses at the portals of my pleasure palace and then – eeek! Great jumping sausage skins! The king-size pork banger races into my interior like Stanley exploring Africa.

‘No!’ I squeal. ‘You mustn’t! Oh! Oh! OH!’

I would like to say more but the furious battering I am being subjected to drives all words from my lips. All I can do is try and retain some sense of decorum as I cling to my molester. He, for his part, starts to utter high-pitched grunting noises as he shunts me up the bed. This is obviously the last thing that I want to happen because the sounds may be heard by the desperadoes lurking outside the door. Weighing up the situation in a trice, I pull the man’s head down and silence his mouth with mine. It is a rough and ready remedy but it seems to be effective. The man’s snorts subside to gurgles and then die away completely as he slackens his impetuous motion and guides his hands down to frolic round the entrance to my love cave. Once again I experience the strangest sensation. In other circumstances, what is happening to me could be almost pleasurable. I close my eyes as the giant seed steed withdraws to the last point of contact with my body and then surges forward like a thoroughbred bursting from the starting gate. ‘AAAAAAAAAAAA –!’

‘Rosie! There you are!’

I open my eyes and turn my head. Penny is standing in the doorway, framed by a grinning mass of male faces. ‘You sly old fox,’ she says, coming into the room and starting to unbutton her blouse. ‘It didn’t take you long to get started, did it?’ I watch in horror as about fourteen men tumble into the room. Penny unzips her skirt and starts to pull down her tights. The wash basin comes away from the wall as there is an untidy fight for the soap.

‘OK, boys,’ says Penny. ‘Come and get it!’

CHAPTER 4

‘How many Belgian francs are there to the pound?’ asks Penny.

‘I think it’s about eighty,’ I say.

Penny puts down the roll of banknotes and starts counting her fingers. ‘So … eighty into six thousand four hundred goes eighty … so that makes eighty quid. That works out at about two pounds a head, doesn’t it? – if you bothered to count their heads.’

‘Don’t!’ I shudder. ‘I can’t bear to think about it.’

‘I know what you mean,’ agrees Penny, thoughtfully. ‘I think we were done – in more ways than one. Look at the charge for the room – and what’s that TVR? It’s some kind of VAT, isn’t it? This is scandalous! I’ve a good mind to go to the British Consul about it.’

It is the morning after the most degrading night of my life. I don’t think that I have ever felt more exhausted. How the professionals keep it up I do not know. What started off with Penny’s idea of a light-hearted romp got completely out of hand. Torrents of the most unspeakable men of every shape, colour and creed poured through the door and did the most unspeakable things to us. There was even the Chief Stoker of the SS Foreskeen and a couple of Manchester United supporters left over from a pre-season friendly.

‘Is the money all you can think about?’ I say, reproachfully.

‘I suppose you’re right,’ says Penny, brightening. ‘It was a bonus, really, wasn’t it? We never thought we were going to get paid when we started out.’

‘What are you talking about: started out!’ I scream. ‘All I wanted was a hot bath, a square meal and a good night’s sleep. Instead of that I get gang-raped!’

‘You also get two thousand francs, darling,’ says Penny, peeling off some notes.

‘Two thousand?’ I say. ‘After what I’ve been through, and vice versa? You said the – the manager had handed over six thousand four hundred, didn’t you?’

‘Two thousand is very generous for what you did, darling. I was handling the brunt of the action. Frankly, I thought you were spinning it out a bit, sometimes.’

‘How – !’ I take a deep breath and then think better of what I was going to say. The whole business is so depressingly sordid that there is no point in arguing about it. My conscience is clear, that is the main thing. I snatch the two thousand francs and thrust it into the breast pocket of my tunic. Thank goodness that the rest of the hotels on the tour have been pre-booked by Reggy. If this is what happens when you get slightly off the beaten track then I would rather sleep in the coach. And, thinking of coaches, what has happened to Hammerchick? I feel slightly guilty that I made no provision for his sleeping arrangements.

‘Where is Jaroslov?’ I say.

‘Under the bed,’ says Penny. ‘I think that the fourth time was a little too much for him. Especially after his efforts with the rest of the girls.’

Now that she mentions it, the sound of uneven snoring does take on a familiar ring. Oh dear, how very unseemly the whole business is. I had made a resolve not to get too close to Hammerchick on this trip and now there seems a strong likelihood that my good intentions have already been thwarted.

‘Let’s get back to the hotel,’ I say. ‘We may be able to find some breakfast.’

‘Good idea,’ says Penny cheerfully, raising her skirt and tucking the roll of notes into the top of her tights. ‘Making love certainly gives you an appetite, doesn’t it?’

I suppress another shudder and carry my suitcase to the door. How Penny can describe what we have just been through as making love, I will never know. Carrying on the way she does, I find it difficult to understand how she retains her integrity. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother to have principles.

When we get down to the foyer, the manager, or whatever he is, swiftly pushes aside what look like half a dozen tins of film and steps round his desk to greet us. ‘You go?’ he says, his voice cracking with emotion. ‘Is too sad. Please stay. Business never so good. Russian fleet extend courtesy visit.’

‘Out of the question, you old shit,’ says Penny boldly. ‘I’d need to be pretty hard up before I came to this dump again.’

‘Maybe we discuss new terms,’ says the man eagerly.

‘Hurry up!’ I say. ‘I think that’s a taxi on the other side of the street.’

As it turns out, it is very fortunate that I am correct. No sooner has the ghastly little man – I am certain that he never changes his clothes – started to haggle with Penny than a door behind the counter opens and one of the bleary-eyed creatures I saw the night before appears in the middle of a yawn. The second she sees us she starts screaming fit to bust and has to be forcibly restrained from throwing herself at Penny. Half a dozen other hideous hags appear hurling abuse and we are pursued into the street. It is a good job that the taxi is on the other side because a window slides up above our heads and I catch a glimpse of Baldylocks before she empties what looks like a chamber pot into the street. What has prompted this disgusting and spiteful behaviour I am at a loss to know. One would think that our humiliation would elicit a sympathetic response from our Continental sisters. Maybe their action is prompted by some deep-seated resentment of Great Britain’s attitude towards the Common Market. It is so difficult to tell with foreigners.

We drive away with fists battering against the windows and I experience a great sense of relief when I think that I am soon going to be in the company of my own countrymen. Whatever their shortcomings at least we speak the same language. Despite my desperate tiredness I will be happy to see them.

It is only when we have got back to the Hotel Antwerp that we remember about Hammerchick. He is presumably still fast asleep under the bed in our room. How stupid of us! We could have got a lift back in the coach had we thought about it. I feel quite furious with myself and even more annoyed when we cannot get through on the telephone.

‘He could stay there for days, knowing him,’ says Penny who has been swift to make an assessment of Hammerchick’s unreliable temperament. ‘I suppose we’d better go back for him.’

Hardly have I finished my groan than a combined mass of hotel staff and holidaymakers descend on us. Apparently, the first night on foreign soil has not been an unqualified success for anyone:

‘The toilet didn’t work.’

‘I couldn’t find the toilet.’

‘Somebody did potty outside the door of my room.’

‘I ordered early morning tea and a hot roll at six o’clock and the chambermaid tried to climb into bed with me.’

‘I left my shoes outside my room to be cleaned and I haven’t seen them since.’

‘You can’t get any English channels on the television.’

The worst complaints relate to the disgusting nature of the rooms and the hotel staff say that they will not go into them unless the holidaymakers do something about tidying them up.

All in all I am desperately relieved when Hammerchick makes an unexpected appearance, complete with coach, and we manage to get under way. Apparently, a madman has run amok in one of the dockside brothels and I am not sorry to leave Antwerp behind. Despite its splendid war record the city will never hold happy memories for me. I watch Hammerchick rub his sleeve across his greasy, smoke-blackened face and wonder why he is laughing as half a dozen fire engines race past us in the opposite direction. He is a funny fellow and no mistake. Something of a rough diamond but not totally bad. He must have some sense of responsibility or he would not have hurried back to the hotel and got the coach loaded so quickly.

We are on the motorway by half past nine and heading towards Liège, Aachen, Cologne and our appointment with the romantic castle on the banks of the Rhine where we are going to spend the night. I have seen photographs of the Schloss Badschweinfart and it is really something. Perched like an eagle’s nest on one of the high cliffs overlooking the river far below. I do love a romantic setting and this seems right up my street. Perhaps it will make up for my disappointments of the previous night.

In order to keep the passengers amused, I use the coach’s loudspeaker system – or megaphone, as Penny persists in calling it – to read the passengers place names and other items of interest. As I have already intimated in Lady Courier, the coach is not of the most modern variety and has been prone to breakdown on the way to the English coast. I do hope that the heady excitement of touching sixty miles an hour on the motorway and trying to keep in touch with the surging stream of Mercedes and BMWs that pour past will not be too much for it.

We reach Germany by lunchtime and take our meal just outside Aachen. I must say that the occasion is slightly spoiled for me by Penny telling me that she is ‘Aachen’ all over and especially in a couple of places that I never thought to hear mentioned by a lady’s lips. I am afraid that Penny does not live up to her breeding sometimes. I may only come from Chingford but I flatter myself that I have a far keener sense of the ‘niceties’ than she does.

Another problem connected with lunch concerns the meal itself. Most of the passengers have been expecting to pull up at a wayside hostelry and enjoy a repast of the ‘meat and two veg’ variety. This thought was possibly introduced into their minds by the Climax brochure which, I remember, sounded the virtues of ‘lip-smacking local delicacies washed down by the wine of the country’. For this reason, the appearance of a cross-section of very spicy liverwurst accompanied by two packets of Germütletoasties and half a dozen bottles of Seven-Up is greeted with something less than enthusiasm. The fact that the Seven-Up was bottled at Dusseldorf does little to reassure our customers. I sympathise with them but Penny and I are doing no more than carry out Reggy Parkinson’s instructions. ‘Ever mindful of the need to exert stringent economies in order to ensure that Climax Tours remains in an in profit situation’ – his own words – he has decreed that the midday meal be kept to snack proportions and served ‘on the move’, preferably against a backdrop of such great natural beauty that it will take the customers’ minds off the less-than-substantial fare they are receiving – as opposed to paying. Personally, I do not consider that the railway marshalling yards outside Aachen are at all beautiful but the decision to stop is forced upon us by those desperate to answer a call of nature of the most basic and – from what I can see through the windows of the coach – unaesthetic kind.

‘Comfort stops’, as they are known, are a problem and I do feel that the situation would be made much easier if a certain male element amongst the passengers did not load half a dozen crates of beer on to the coach every morning. It would probably also cut down on the singing which seems to offend some members of the party.