The Secrets Between Sisters

Lizzie was feeling upbeat as she moved around her flat that morning. She had decided to open Bea’s next letter before she went to work. She had to admit that she was looking forward to it. It had started to become a sacred ritual, almost as if she was being allowed the chance to spend time with Bea again. She also had to admit that despite her initial reservations, the first two letters had brought her nothing but positive experiences. She was enjoying this journey with Bea as her guide. As she unfolded the next letter and read her sister’s words, her mood began to change.

Dear Lizzie,

I really hope that you have succeeded in finding a new friend. I hope he or she will give you the support you need and help you to open your world up to other people. You are such a lovely person but you don’t always see it. I hope you are starting to understand this now.

So now you have someone other than me to talk to, I have to confess that this next wish is going to be a challenge. To be honest, I considered postponing this until later on but sometimes, a truth has to be faced and putting it off doesn’t help.

So I’m just going to say it. I want you to go and see Mum. I know. It’s not going to be easy. I know why you left and I know the hurt never really went away. I can still remember that day. I had come home for the weekend and as I let myself into the house on that Friday night, I could hear voices. Actually it was Mum’s voice. You were silent but I knew you were there. She was ranting and raving. I don’t think I’d ever heard her so angry. As I came up the stairs and walked into your room, I could see her standing over you as you sat on the floor by your bed, hugging your knees and crying. Mum didn’t even notice me. She was lost in her anger and her words flew out like machine gun fire. I know every word was like a poisonous dart of unspoken truths to you, Lizzie. I know you took every word to your heart and stored them there for the next fifteen years. I know you thought she meant every word and I know that’s why you had to leave. When you both noticed me standing there, Mum stopped ranting. She seemed to get control of herself then but she walked out and left me to comfort you. I know you felt you had no alternative but to go then, that you felt unwanted and unloved. I suppose I did my best by taking you back to London with me but part of me has always wished that you could have resolved what happened that day. It was a moment’s madness that lasted a lifetime.

So I know how hard this is going to be. If I’m brutally honest, I don’t know if I would do it if I were you but I think that you should try. I am hoping that you now have people you can call on for support to help you face this.

So, go and see Mum, Lizzie. Talk to her, really talk to her. Tell her about the hurt you’ve been holding onto for so long. Listen to what she has to say and make her listen to you too. The thing is, you two are probably more similar than you realise or want to admit.

I don’t think I helped your relationship either but as I’m not around to get in the way any more, (see how I help you out by dying?) I think you can start to be honest with one another. There will be anger and there will be tears but I love you both very much and if you trust me, you will give it a try.

You need each other. You just don’t realise it yet.

Love you,

Bea x

Lizzie put down the letter. Her hands were shaking and she realised that this was due to a furious surge of anger which was coursing through her body like a volcano erupting having lain dormant for so many years. Her mind was racing. She wasn’t angry with Bea so much although she dearly wished that she could talk to her and question if this really had to be done. Lizzie wasn’t a fool though. She had guessed that Bea’s wishes might take her in this direction at some stage; however she also knew that Bea had understood her hurt and deep-rooted disappointment. On the few occasions that Bea had suggested Lizzie return to Smallchurch, she had been treated to a rare flash of anger from her sister. Bea had never pushed it and Lizzie always thought that this was because she understood there were barriers that could not be crossed. Even when their father was dying, Bea hadn’t pushed her; quite the opposite in fact.

So Lizzie was surprised and a little hurt by this wish. There was too much history, too much time past, too much ill feeling for any good to come of it. She had no great desire to talk to her mother and she was pretty sure Stella would feel the same; in fact her reaction at Bea’s funeral was proof of this fact. She threw the letter to one side. She couldn’t deal with this now. She went downstairs to open the shop, her good mood dissolved and a weight of expectation sitting heavily on her shoulders.

***

The day passed slowly. Lizzie was quiet as she wondered what to do. Bea probably meant for her to discuss this with her new friend but Lizzie wasn’t sure if she was ready to delve into that area of her past. Opening up to discuss memories of someone you loved was one thing but when it related to someone you hated. Hate. Such a strong word. So definitive and final. I hate you. Nothing more to say. That’s how Lizzie felt; as if there was nothing more to say. Later that afternoon, her mobile rang. She fished it out of her back pocket and was surprised to see Joe’s caller ID. She considered letting him leave a message but this felt mean.

‘Hi, Joe,’ she said breezily.

‘It’s Sam,’ said Sam.

This threw Lizzie momentarily and she walked towards the office, glancing over at Mrs Nussbaum, who was restocking the greetings cards. ‘Hey Sam,’ she said adopting a friendly tone. ‘How are you?’

‘Don’t you want to see us again?’ he demanded.

Lizzie felt cornered. ‘Of course I do, Sam. I really enjoyed meeting you at the zoo.’

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