Only Fools and Horses

COPYRIGHT

HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2009

Scripts © John Sullivan 2009

Text copyright © Richard Webber Ltd 2009

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Richard Webber asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780007318964

Ebook Edition © MAY 2017 ISBN: 9780007483433

Version: 2017-05-26

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

EPISODE LIST

Series One

1. ‘Big Brother’ (transmitted 8/9/81)

2. ‘Go West Young Man’ (15/9/81)

3. ‘Cash and Curry’ (22/9/81)

4. ‘The Second Time Around’ (29/9/81)

5. ‘A Slow Bus To Chingford’ (6/10/81)

6. ‘The Russians Are Coming’ (13/10/81)

Christmas Special

‘Christmas Crackers’ (28/12/81)

Series Two

1. ‘The Long Legs Of The Law’ (21/10/82)

2. ‘Ashes To Ashes’ (28/10/82)

3. ‘A Losing Streak’ (4/11/82)

4. ‘No Greater Love …’ (11/11/82)

5. ‘The Yellow Peril’ (18/11/82)

6. ‘It Never Rains …’ (25/11/82)

7. ‘A Touch Of Glass’ (2/12/82)

Christmas Special

‘The Funny Side Of Christmas: Christmas Trees’ (27/12/82)

Christmas Special

‘Diamonds Are For Heather’ (30/12/82)

Series Three

1. ‘Homesick’ (10/11/83)

2. ‘Healthy Competition’ (17/11/83)

3. ‘Friday The 14th’ (24/11/83)

4. ‘Yesterday Never Comes’ (1/12/83)

5. ‘May The Force Be With You’ (8/12/83)

6. ‘Wanted’ (15/12/83)

7. ‘Who’s A Pretty Boy?’ (22/12/83)

Christmas Special

‘Thicker Than Water’ (25/12/83)

Series Four

1. ‘Happy Returns’ (21/2/85)

2. ‘Strained Relations’ (28/2/85)

3. ‘Hole In One’ (7/3/85)

4. ‘It’s Only Rock And Roll’ (14/3/85)

5. ‘Sleeping Dogs Lie’ (21/3/85)

6. ‘Watching The Girls Go By’ (28/3/85)

7. ‘As One Door Closes’ (4/4/85)

Christmas Special

‘To Hull And Back’ (25/12/85)

Series Five

1. ‘From Prussia With Love’ (31/8/86)

2. ‘The Miracle Of Peckham’ (7/9/86)

3. ‘The Longest Night’ (14/9/86)

4. ‘Tea For Three’ (21/9/86)

5. ‘Video Nasty’ (28/9/86)

6. ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ (5/10/86)

Christmas Special

‘A Royal Flush’ (25/12/86)

Christmas Special

‘The Frog’s Legacy’ (25/12/87)

Christmas Special

‘Dates’ (25/12/88)

Series Six

1. ‘Yuppy Love’ (8/1/89)

2. ‘Danger UXD’ (15/1/89)

3. ‘Chain Gang’ (22/1/89)

4. ‘The Unlucky Winner Is …’ (29/1/89)

5. ‘Sickness and Wealth’ (5/2/89)

6. ‘Little Problems’ (12/2/89)

Christmas Special

‘The Jolly Boys’ Outing’ (25/12/89)

Christmas Special

‘Rodney Come Home’ (25/12/90)

Series Seven

1. ‘The Sky’s The Limit’ (30/12/90)

2. ‘The Chance Of A Lunchtime’ (6/1/91)

3. ‘Stage Fright’ (13/1/91)

4. ‘The Class Of ’62’ (20/1/91)

5. ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Uncle’ (27/1/91)

6. ‘Three Men, A Woman And A Baby’ (3/2/91)

Christmas Special

1. ‘Miami Twice – Part One: The American Dream’ (24/12/91)

2. ‘Miami Twice – Part Two: Oh To Be In England’ (25/12/91)

Christmas Special

‘Mother Nature’s Son’ (25/12/92)

Christmas Special

‘Fatal Extraction’ (25/12/93)

Christmas Trilogy

1. ‘Heroes And Villains’ (25/12/96)

2. ‘Modern Men’ (27/12/96)

3. ‘Time On Our Hands’ (29/12/96)

Comic Relief Special

(14/3/97)

Christmas Special

‘If They Could See Us Now …!’ (25/12/01)

Christmas Special

‘Strangers On The Shore’ (25/12/02)

Christmas Special

‘Sleepless In Peckham’ (25/12/03)

Keep Reading

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Other Books By

About the Publisher

INTRODUCTION

Not many sitcoms succeed in ingraining themselves into the British psyche, but Only Fools and Horses, written by the unassuming John Sullivan, whose other success stories include Just Good Friends, Citizen Smith, Dear John and, of course, Green, Green, Grass, did just that.

During its 23-year run, 64 episodes were shown, with the lion’s share attracting sizeable audience figures. Topping the list, ‘Time On Our Hands’, the final instalment in 1996’s Christmas Trilogy, pulled in a whopping 24.3 million viewers.

‘CREME DE LA MENTHE.’ (DEL)

As always, many factors lay behind the show’s indubitable success, including John Sullivan’s ability to evince a sense of realism into the scripts, confidently blending seriousness with the comedy oozing from every episode. Undoubtedly, Only Fools was a rich study of people’s foibles and life’s issues. John wasn’t scared to confront tough subjects in his work. What less talented scriptwriters might have shied away from, he faced head-on: miscarriage, impotence, fraud, violence, death – just some of the delicate topics spotlighted in his well-loved sitcom.

Here, in a similar style to the two previous books in the series, celebrating Dad’s Army and Porridge, we bring you a host of well-crafted, perfectly honed scenes; uproarious one-liners; revealing insights from not only John Sullivan but the actors as well; an overview of the sitcom’s life and a barrow load of other goodies, too. As Del would put it, it’s all lovely jubbly!

RICHARD WEBBER

THE STORY IN A NUTSHELL

Writer John Sullivan had already scored with a hit sitcom, in the shape of Citizen Smith, by the time he turned his attention to Only Fools and Horses.

The then BBC head of entertainment, Jimmy Gilbert, had played a key role in launching Sullivan’s writing career by commissioning Citizen Smith and was keen to retain the services of the talented writer. Although he wasn’t enamoured of the title, Only Fools and Horses, he knew immediately that the sitcom’s premise – a London family who wouldn’t sponge off the state as they wheeled and dealed their way through life from one dubious business deal to the next – would work.

The first series was eventually commissioned, centred on the Trotter family, a surname Sullivan had encountered previously, having worked with someone of the same name. Experienced director Ray Butt took control of the opening season before passing the reins on to Gareth Gwenlan.

When it came to casting, Nicholas Lyndhurst was already in the frame to play Rodney, a decision which pleased Sullivan. Finding his older brother was trickier. Enn Reitel and Jim Broadbent were both considered before David Jason’s name entered the frame. By chance, director Ray Butt watched a repeat of Open All Hours, with Jason playing Granville, and knew instantly that he’d found his man.

Did you know?

Only Fools and Horses was originally titled Readies. The name was eventually changed to the former, which had previously been used for an episode of Citizen Smith.

With Lennard Pearce recruited to play Grandad, the opening series kicked off with the episode ‘Big Brother’ on 8 September 1981. The six episodes comprising the first season didn’t set the world alight in terms of audience figures, attracting just under eight million viewers. But this was the era where new programmes were given time to find their feet in the over-subscribed world of TV.

Del had no sense of style.

© Radio Times

Rodney always felt he lived in his brother’s shadow.

© Radio Times

Great writing and sublime acting were the fundamentals behind the success that followed; regarding the latter, the adroit casting which paired David Jason with Nicholas Lyndhurst couldn’t have been more profitable. Jason’s animated and overt portrayal of the older brother was juxtaposed by Lyndhurst’s beautifully crafted interpretation of the languid younger Trotter.

Initially, John Sullivan didn’t think the BBC were keen on the sitcom and half-expected it to be scrapped after the first season; he was, therefore, delighted when asked to pen a second series, although the average audience figures, just under nine million, were far from ideal. It wasn’t until Series Four, which saw viewing numbers average above 14 million, that the show had found its footing. Sadly, though, the growing success paled into insignificance when the death of Lennard Pearce, alias Grandad, was announced. John Sullivan et al were left with a dilemma: how to bridge the almighty chasm left behind by Pearce’s sudden death. Recasting was out of the question, so John – while meeting with Ray Butt and Gareth Gwenlan – suggested introducing Albert, Grandad’s brother, to add an extra dimension. After frantic rewriting of the scripts, Uncle Albert made his first appearance attending his brother’s funeral in ‘Strained Relations’. Buster Merryfield, a bank manager turned actor, was welcomed into the fold and delivered a sterling job under difficult circumstances.

By the time Series Six was screened, the episodes had been extended to 50 minutes and Only Fools and Horses had established itself as arguably the BBC’s most popular programme. Extended episodes proved beneficial in many respects, including John Sullivan not having to cut funny scenes purely to reduce the length of the script and affording him the opportunity and time to explore his characters and storylines in more depth.

‘OH THE EXTERMINATOR. WELL, OF COURSE, TO RODDERS THAT IS ROMANTIC. I MEAN, HE CRIED HIS LITTLE EYES OUT OVER THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.’ (DEL)

In the latter stages of the sitcom, we saw the Trotter brothers finally settle down and take on life’s responsibilities more willingly. In due course, Del and Rodney discovered true love in the shape of Raquel – who was only expected to appear in one episode but made such an impact the character was retained – and Cassandra respectively, and, later, fatherhood. The Trotter brothers were maturing, settling down and discarding their lads-about-town image.

Although the boys’ marriages suffered more than their fair share of ups and downs, again providing John Sullivan with the chance to exploit his skills of writing the poignant moments, the series had moved on to a more mature level.

All good things must come to an end, though, and the screening of the 1996 Christmas Trilogy marked the cessation of visits to the Trotter household – or so everybody thought. If this had been the end, the show certainly went out with a bang. Each of the three episodes were watched by over 20 million viewers with the final instalment, ‘Time On Our Hands’, with the Trotters finally becoming millionaires, pulling in a colossal 24.3 million viewers, all glued to their screens to bid farewell to Del, Rodney, Uncle Albert and the rest of the gang. As always, the episodes had successfully mixed pathos with humour, and it was clear the British public were going to miss catching up with the frustrating yet loveable Trotter boys.

When the brothers struck gold, it looked like the lights would be switched off at Nelson Mandela House for good. No one intended making more episodes, but in the world of TV you never say never. One day, a throwaway comment from Gareth Gwenlan, hinting that perhaps a special episode would be made to celebrate the new millennium, started the ball rolling and, eventually, they were back.

Turning his attention to the scripts, Sullivan knew that keeping the Trotters as multi-millionaires wouldn’t have worked. If they were to stroll the streets of Peckham once again, he wanted to return them to where they started; the trouble was, he couldn’t do that in one episode. Eventually, another trilogy was commissioned.

John Sullivan decided the Trotters would lose their fortune, thanks to Del gambling away their millions on the Central American money market, and so five years after the final instalment in the Christmas Trilogy, the crowd were back.

The three episodes, ‘If They Could See Us Now …!’, ‘Strangers On The Shore’ and ‘Sleepless In Peckham’ – and this time they would be the last – were transmitted on Christmas Day 2001, 2002 and 2003. There were times when Sullivan regretted writing the new shows because the press reaction was disappointing, despite winning plaudits from the audiences. Later, though, John was able to appreciate the episodes which, again, proved that quality writing, casting and acting win every time.

‘BIG BROTHER’

The Trotter brothers have a meeting at midday and Rodney is far from ready. Del is horrified to discover the reason why.

DEL: (Studying his reflection in the mirror) S’il vous plait, s’il vous plait, what an enigma. I get better looking every day. I can’t wait for tomorrow. Oh, do you know, I’m suffering from something incurable. (Grandad and Rodney ignore him) Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come on Rodney, shake a leg, we’ve got a meeting at 12. What are you doing?

RODNEY: Our accounts.

DEL: You keeping accounts now? Well there you are, Grandad, a lot of people told me I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business, but this only goes to prove how bloody right they were. You dozy little twonk, Rodney, this is prima-facie evidence ain’t it? The taxman gets hold of that he’ll put us away for three years.

Raise your glasses to over two decades of sitcom success.

© Mirrorpix

Rodney thinks Del is cheating him … the trouble is, he can’t prove it.

RODNEY: It’s obvious you’re stitching me up. Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day. Me – I’ve got one suit from the Almost New Shop. It gets embarrassing sometimes.

DEL: Oh, I embarrass you do I? You’ve got room to talk. You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me from the moment you was born. You couldn’t be like any other little brother could you, and come along a couple of years after me. Oh no, you had to wait 13 years. So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down at Southend and going to Who concerts, I was at home baby-sitting! I could never get your oystermilk stains out of me Ben Shermans – I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies.

Memories …

‘Nick and Lennard were great to work with. Although he was very young, Nick had spent his entire life, more or less, in the business because he’d been a child actor. Lennard Pearce, meanwhile, had been a stage actor for all his life. So we were dealing with actors who I had a healthy respect for because they had served their apprenticeship.

‘Both of them were tremendously easy to get on with, but I think a lot of that was because we’d all worked a lot of time in the theatre, travelling the country, working every night with a live audience, learning our trade. That is hugely beneficial when you work in television. So with John Sullivan’s scripts, and the experience of the cast, I knew we had the essential ingredients.’

DAVID JASON

‘GO WEST YOUNG MAN’

Del and Rodney try chatting up girls at a nightclub. The trouble is, Del reverts to a pack of lies, suggesting his younger brother is an international tennis player, in order to impress but, as usual, just makes a fool of himself.

DEL: Yeah, he’s an international professional tennis player and I’m his manager. You must have heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney. The sporting press call him Hot Rod!

NICKY: Don’t think I have. What’s the surname?

‘WHAT A PLONKER!’ (DEL)

RODNEY: Trotter!

NICKY: Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.

DEL: No, no that’s because we generally concentrate on the big American tournaments, you see.

MICHELE: Do you ever play Wimbledon?

DEL: No, no, we only play the big ’uns! We’ve just come back from the Miami Open …

NICKY: Really? You’re not very tanned for Miami, are you?

RODNEY: No, no, it was an indoor tournament.

Did you know?

Offers to turn Only Fools into a film and stage production have been made over the years.

DEL: Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing that, innit. I mean they call it the Miami Open and then they go an’ hold it indoors. That’s the Yanks for yer though eh? Anyway, we can’t complain like because he won it, he did, he er, beat that Jimmy Connolly in the final.

MICHELE: Jimmy Connelly? Don’t you mean Jimmy Connors?

DEL: No, he knocked that didlio out in the first round, nine sets to one! Actually we’re only in London to get Hot Rod here measured up for a new bat.

‘TRES BIEN ENSEMBLE.’ (DEL)

MICHELE: It’s a racquet!

DEL: It is, the price they charge, darling.

Memories …

‘When I began writing Only Fools I never had a system of working. I’ve had mobiles by the side of my bed, Dictaphones, but when the ideas happen, they just happen.

‘Initially, I wrote Fools straight on to an old-fashioned typewriter. Then, slowly, I turned to computers. But during the days of the typewriter, I’d sometimes work through the night re-typing.

‘I change my scripts and mess about with them so much before putting “first draft” on it. By then, I’ve actually changed it six or seven times. In these early stages, it’s like weaning a baby, but eventually I can get quite nasty with my script.

‘Once we’re in the editing suite, I don’t care about favourite lines. When I started, Dennis Main Wilson gave me the best advice: “Never fall in love with your lines.” He was right because that can cause you such pain.’

JOHN SULLIVAN

‘THE SECOND TIME AROUND’

Street traders Del and Rodney are using their sales patter, trying desperately to shift packs of hankies from a suitcase, surrounded by a crowd of women shoppers.

DEL: Here we are, the finest French lace hankies – there you are, they’re a pleasure to have the flu with! Thanks, luv.

RODNEY: Now, hurry up girls, get in while the going’s good. It’s one for the price of two. One for the price of two.

DEL: Keep taking the money, Rodney, I’m gonna pop down the pub to get a lemonade for the old Hobsons.

RODNEY: Get us a packet of pork scratchings would you?

DEL: Pork scratchings. Sounds like a pig with fleas.

RODNEY: Come on then, get in while the going’s good. We’re not here today gone tomorrow, we’re here today gone this afternoon, now come on.

Rodney and Grandad aren’t happy when Del starts dating his scheming, money-grabbing ex-fiancée again, especially when they get engaged once more and she moves in.

DEL: (Looking at Grandad) What’s up with you then, eh?

GRANDAD: It’s her innit!

DEL: What?

GRANDAD: She’s hid my teeth!

DEL: What? What you hidden his teeth for then, petal?

PAULINE: Look you don’t know what it’s like in this place. You and Rodney are out at the auctions or the market. But I’m stuck here with him. He’s nibbling all day long. There’d be nothing left if I let him carry on! Don’t worry, he gets his teeth back at meal times.

Rodney and Grandad, fed up with Del reigniting his flame for ex-fiancée Pauline, state they’re leaving and forming their own partnership. Unable to believe what he’s hearing, Del thinks Rodney is off his rocker.

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