A Daughter’s Dream

‘I’ll come and see you every week on my day off,’ I promised. ‘Please don’t say I can’t go, Mum. Lainie is going to pay me three pounds to start and more when I know what I’m doing.’

‘If it was only money …’

‘You know it isn’t, don’t you?’

My mother sighed and looked at me sadly. ‘Ernie Cole has a lot to answer for! I shall never forgive him for shouting at you that day, Amy. You were so frightened and I don’t know what would have happened if your father hadn’t come along when he did. It was because he hated me, of course.’

‘Why should Mr Cole hate you?’

‘It’s a long story. He wanted to marry me once but I wouldn’t look at him then. Then he got a girl into trouble and married her. I might have married him when I was ready if he hadn’t.’

‘I’m glad you didn’t!’

‘So am I,’ she said and smiled. ‘Very glad. Your father is the man for me. And he says we must let you go to Lainie’s, so I suppose we must. Just be careful, Amy. There are a lot of people you can’t trust, and they don’t all live in the lanes. Some of them look respectable and talk as if they’ve got a plum in their mouth, but underneath they are worse than the lowest scum.’

‘I’m not a little girl, Mum. I do know that some people aren’t what they seem. Besides, I’m in love with Matthew. I shan’t be going out with other men – respectable or not.’

‘I know you’re not a child, Amy.’ My mother laughed. She had a wonderful smile and most people who knew her loved her. ‘I expect I’m fussing too much, but you will be careful?’

‘I promise,’ I said and went to hug her. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Mum. It’s just that I can’t live here, and I do need a job.’

‘I understand, darling. Your father and I just want to see you happy.’

‘It’s only for a year or so until Matthew saves enough for the house.’ I gave her a teasing look. ‘What can happen in a year? I’m not likely to get abducted by a white slaver, am I?’

‘Please don’t joke about such things!’ she said sharply. ‘You are so innocent, Amy. I shall be glad when you get married.’

Her tone and her look surprised me. It was unlike my mother to be so sharp, and for a moment she had looked almost frightened.

‘What have you been buying?’ Maggie Ryan stopped me in the street as I made my way home that evening. ‘You’re looking well, Amy. Are you home for good now?’

‘I’m not sure. I may go to stay with my aunt for a while. She’s offered me a job in her shop.’

‘Oh well, take care of yourself, love.’

Maggie nodded and went inside her house. She lived a few doors away from my parents and had been my mother’s friend for years. It was her daughter-in-law, Kathy, who had saved my mother from being attacked by Ernie Cole. Kathy’s first husband, Billy, had been killed in a fight with the police on the docks some months ago now.

I heard my parents talking in the kitchen when I went in. I had been to the market to see if there were any nice pictures on a stall that sold the work of unknown artists, and I had managed to buy a pretty view of a country cottage that I thought my mother might like.

‘You know why I’m worried, Joe,’ my mother was saying as I paused outside the door, which was slightly open. ‘Amy is so trusting. If he wanted to harm us …’

‘You worry too much, lass. The man could have caused trouble for us years ago if he had wanted. In my opinion he has forgotten we ever existed. That business is over and done with. Put it right out of your mind.’

‘I’ve never forgotten what he did to Lainie. If it hadn’t been for that it might never have happened. I still blame myself, Joe …’

The back of my neck prickled as I listened. Who were they talking about, and why was my mother so worried?

‘That was years ago. He hasn’t bothered her, why should he harm Amy or us?’

‘You don’t know him as well as I do, Joe.’

‘Amy has me to look after her. If he hurt my girl I would kill him. He knows it, Bridget. I wouldn’t stand by and let him get away with it again.’

I decided it was time I went into the kitchen and made my presence known. My father smiled as he saw me, but my mother’s eyes were clouded by shadows. I felt an ache somewhere in the region of my heart, and felt that I wanted to banish those shadows.

‘I bought this for you, Mum. It will go in your bedroom. The artist is unknown now, but he’s good. One day his work will probably be worth a lot of money.’

Her eyes filled with tears as I showed her the painting, and then she jumped up and hugged me. I hugged her back, my throat tight with emotion.’

‘I love you, Amy.’

‘I love you too, Mum. You don’t have to worry about me. I promise you I’ll be sensible.’

‘Of course you will,’ she said, laughed and brushed a hand across her eyes. ‘I’m being silly. You’re my little girl and I make too much fuss. You go to Lainie’s and enjoy yourself.’

‘Thanks, Mum … Daddy.’ I sent a special smile to him, knowing he had talked her round for my sake. ‘I won’t do anything to make you ashamed of me, I promise.’

‘I never thought you would,’ my father said. ‘I’ve always trusted you completely.’

He turned away to fiddle with his wireless set, which my mother had bought him for the previous Christmas. It took a lot of skill and practice to make it work, but there were now regular broadcasts from the BBC, and my father was an enthusiastic listener.

My mother had begun to set the table for supper and I helped her, taking the blue and white plates down from the dresser and placing them on the snowy-white cloth.

‘Your brother Jon is coming home for a few days next week,’ my mother said as she took a pie from the oven. ‘You will wait to see him before you go, won’t you, Amy?’

‘Yes, of course, Mum. I’m going out after supper. Matt is back from his trip and he’s taking me to the pictures this evening, so I’ll have to hurry and get changed …’

I emerged breathlessly from Matthew’s crushing embrace.

‘If that’s what being away for two weeks does to you …’ I murmured and laughed up at him. ‘I like it. I like it a lot.’

‘I missed you so much!’ He touched my cheek with his fingertips, looking serious and a little apprehensive. ‘And I’ve got something to tell you, Amy.’

‘Something I shan’t like? I can see it in your face. Is it another long trip?’

‘It’s worse,’ Matthew said. ‘The firm wants me to go up to Manchester for six months. They are setting up a distribution centre for the north and they want me to run it for the first few months.’

‘But you can’t!’ I stared at him in dismay. ‘I should never see you.’

‘I’ll come back as often as I can at weekends. Perhaps once a fortnight if I can manage it.’

‘Once a fortnight!’ I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. ‘It was bad enough when you had the long trips, but this is impossible, Matt. Please tell them you can’t do it.’

‘This is very important to me, Amy. It is a step up the ladder to promotion. They’ve promised me another ten pounds a month, and perhaps more if I show them I can do it.’

He was prepared to desert me for ten pounds a month! I felt terribly hurt, even though I knew it was a lot of money to Matthew. But my father could give him the sixty pounds he would gain and never miss it.

‘Daddy will lend you the money for a house,’ I said sulkily. ‘He will give us a good wedding present and you could open your own shop. You wouldn’t have to go away and leave me all the time.’

‘That isn’t the way I do things, Amy.’ His mouth had pulled into a grim line and I knew he was angry. ‘I’ve told you before, I want to stand on my own feet. Ten pounds a month may not sound a lot to you, but the extra will make a difference when it’s added to what I’ve already saved.’

‘But I don’t want you to go!’ I drew back, looking at him unhappily. ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me, Matt.’

‘Whether you believe it or not, I do love you, Amy. But I have to do this for us.’

My eyes filled with tears I was too proud to shed. He was cruel to hurt me like this and I wanted to hurt him back.

‘If you go there might not be any more us.’

The moment I had said it, I wished the words unspoken. Matthew’s eyes were icy cold, his expression disapproving.

‘If I thought you meant that I would take you home right now, Amy Robinson, but I know you don’t. You’re hurt and angry, and you’ve been spoiled. I’m afraid it isn’t always possible to get what you want in life, and you are just going to have to take no for an answer for once.’

His words struck deep. How could he say such a thing to me? I wasn’t spoiled, just indulged by loving parents.

‘Sometimes I don’t like you very much.’

‘Believe me, there are times when I don’t like you, Amy.’

‘Take me home! You don’t care about me a bit.’

‘Don’t be a fool!’ Matthew reached out for me, pulling me roughly into his arms. For a moment I fought him, but then I gave a sob of despair. ‘It’s only six months, my darling. I’ll telephone you at Lainie’s and I’ll come and visit as often as I can.’

‘You promise?’

He nodded, and then he was kissing me, his mouth taking hungry possession of mine, his tongue flicking inside my mouth as I opened to him. I clung to him desperately, feeling that I never wanted him to let me go. I was heedless, ready to do whatever he asked, needing this moment to last forever.

‘Oh, Amy,’ he croaked as he let me go. ‘Perhaps it’s as well that I’m going away. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out. I want you so much …’

‘I want you, Matt. Make love to me … Everything.’

He shook his head and looked rueful. ‘That isn’t going to work, Amy. I’m not irresponsible and I don’t want to run any risks now. It would be awful for you if you fell for a baby and I was away. You would feel guilty and upset and I wouldn’t be here to comfort you. No, my darling, much as you tempt me, I’m going to wait.’

I knew there was no persuading him. Matthew had a will of iron. Besides, he was right. If we went all the way now I might fall for a baby before we could get married and my father would be disappointed in me. He trusted me and loved me. I didn’t want to see hurt or shame in his eyes.

‘Perhaps it is best if you go for a while,’ I said huskily. ‘But it’s going to seem such a long time …’

Two

‘I’ve changed the single wardrobe in your room for a double one,’ Lainie said as she helped me carry my cases up the back stairs. ‘You’ll need more space now that you’ve come for a longer stay.’

The new wardrobe wasn’t the only change she’d made. As we went into the bedroom I saw that she had hung pretty cream lace curtains at the windows and the bed was covered in a quilt edged with the same lace. Lainie had cleaned the dark walnut furniture with lavender-scented polish, and there were lace mats under the rose-patterned china pots on the dressing table. A vase of roses had been placed on a table by the window.

‘It looks lovely,’ I told her. ‘You’ve been to so much trouble for my sake.’

‘It wasn’t any trouble,’ she assured me. ‘I’m pleased you’ve come, Amy. One of my best girls is leaving to get married soon and I need someone I can trust.’

‘I don’t know much about the business, Aunt Lainie.’

‘You will soon learn. Just watch the other girls for a start. I’ll show you how to pack a gown myself – there’s an art to getting it right so that it doesn’t crease during delivery – and the till is simple to work. If a customer wants to pay by account come and ask me first. Quite a few of my better-class ladies ask for the account to be sent to their husband, but there are one or two with outstanding accounts to be settled. In that case I shall deal with it myself.’

‘That must be a little embarrassing for you – if you have to say no.’

‘Not at all. It just means that I promise to deliver as soon as a payment is made. I keep the gown for a week and then it goes back on sale if the account isn’t paid. Business is business, Amy. If you let people get away with things they walk right over you.’

It was when she spoke in that tone of voice that people thought she was hard. Lainie could be tough when she needed to, and I suspected that life had taught her to look out for herself. I was certain now that something unpleasant had happened to her when she was younger, and that it had been something to do with the mysterious man my mother seemed to fear.

‘So will you be able to settle here?’ Lainie was looking at me anxiously.

‘Yes, of course, it’s lovely.’ I smiled at her. ‘I’m looking forward to starting work.’

‘Well, that won’t be until tomorrow. We’ve got the afternoon to ourselves, Amy, which is why I suggested you come on a Sunday. I thought we might have tea somewhere and listen to a concert in the park. Or we could go to the pictures?’

‘There’s a new Valentino film on at the Regal Cinema,’ I said. ‘Or have you seen it already?’

‘Yes, I did go with a friend,’ Lainie said, and I thought I detected a faint flush in her cheeks. ‘But I wouldn’t mind seeing it again with you.’

‘He’s so good, isn’t he?’ We laughed together, feeling a little silly but sharing our enthusiasm for the film star who had had women swooning ever since his first picture was released. ‘Mum said she wouldn’t cross the road to see him, but I think he’s wonderful.’

‘Bridget always was sensible,’ Lainie said and then pulled a wry face. ‘It’s a pity I wasn’t more like her … But that’s water under the bridge. I’m going to put the kettle on now and make us a cup of tea. You unpack your things, Amy. I’ll call you when it’s ready.’

‘Thanks, Lainie.’

I hung my clothes in the spacious wardrobe, packing my underwear and three brand new packets of Red Seal silk stockings into the chest of drawers. The stockings had been a gift from Matthew before he left for Manchester.

‘Think about me when you’re wearing them,’ he’d said with a naughty look and then kissed me. ‘I shall lie in bed and imagine you putting them on. You have the most fabulous legs, Amy, especially when you wear that French outfit.’

My father had bought me a little suit in the new style made fashionable by the French designer, Coco Chanel. It had a very short skirt, which finished only just below my knees, and a jacket that was soft and looked like a tailored cardigan. The style was so much more relaxed than the fashions women had worn before the war, and my mother had been slightly shocked when she saw me wearing it for the first time.

‘It’s hardly decent, Amy!’

‘Everyone is wearing short skirts now, Mum.’

‘I’m not – at least, not that short.’

‘Daddy bought it for me.’

‘Sometimes I wonder if your father has the sense he was born with, so I do.’

She always resorted to her Irishness when she was losing an argument, but I could see she was laughing inside.

‘You’re teasing me, Mum!’

‘O’ course I am, Amy. You look very pretty, so you do – a young lady of the twenties, very modern and stylish. I’m glad you haven’t had your hair cut short, though. It’s so pretty as it is.’

My hair was dark brown and hung in soft waves to my shoulders. Matthew liked it that way, and begged me not to when I had thought of having it cut into a fashionable bob. He said my eyes were green when I was angry, but I thought they were really more of a hazel colour. My mother and Matthew both said I was beautiful, but they were biased in my favour. The truth was probably that I was an attractive, modern young woman who liked to look nice.

I hung up the outfit Matthew liked so much. Lainie had provided me with more than enough space for my clothes, and I left the bottom drawer of the chest empty. I would buy something every week for my new home, such as pillow-cases or towels – just little things we would need when we got married.

‘Oh, Matt,’ I sighed as I glanced at myself in the wardrobe mirror. ‘It’s going to be such a long, long time without you.’

Picking up my folder of designs, I flicked through them, quickly becoming absorbed as I thought about some new ideas I wanted to work on. If I couldn’t see Matthew, I would just have to spend more time on my work.

I had been staying with Lainie for a week when I found the gun in the top right-hand drawer of the bureau in her sitting room. She had run out of postage stamps when writing out accounts in her office downstairs, but remembered having put some in her personal writing bureau.

‘Would you pop up and fetch them for me, Amy?’ she asked.

‘Of course.’

‘I think I left them in the top drawer, the one on the left.’

I nodded and went through the door at the back of the office to the stairs leading to her private apartments. Running up the stairs, I opened the drawer to the left first, but after hunting for a few seconds I discovered the stamps were not there. So I opened the drawer to the right, and there, lying on top of what looked like some old letters, was the gun.

The shock of seeing it there made me go cold all over and I shut the drawer quickly. Why did Lainie keep a pistol in her desk? Could she use it? I suspected she could or she would not have bought it. When my aunt made up her mind to do something, she did it properly.

‘I came to tell you the stamps are in the silver box.’ I turned to find Lainie watching me. ‘You found the gun, of course. I keep it for protection, Amy. A woman living alone can’t be too careful.’

‘Would you use it?’ I was fascinated; a little shocked at this revelation.

Something flickered in her eyes. ‘If it came to the point where I was desperate – yes. Yes, I would, Amy. There are certain circumstances when self-defence is not only permissible, it is vital.’

‘If you were being threatened by an intruder?’

‘Yes, exactly. I knew you would find the gun when you couldn’t find the stamps. That’s why I came after you. I wanted to explain.’

‘You don’t have to tell me anything.’

‘I was hurt badly once. I don’t intend anything like that to happen again, either to me or to you.’

‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’

‘No. I don’t think you need to know that, Amy. It wasn’t very pleasant and it was a long time ago. Besides, I’m over it now. I just wanted you to understand why I keep a gun. I’ve never had to use it, but it’s there just in case.’

‘I hope you will never have to use it!’

Lainie smiled. ‘I don’t expect I shall. I’m going out for a while now. Don’t forget about the account customers. Just look in my black book if you’re not sure. If they are blacklisted they will be in it; if not it’s safe to let them take what they want. Ruth will know if they’re regular customers anyway.’

‘I’m sure we can manage for a while.’

Lainie nodded her encouragement. ‘You’re doing very well, Amy. You have a talent for picking exactly what will suit someone. Within a few weeks you’ll be capable of running this place single-handed.’

‘I think it’s going to take a bit longer than that,’ I said and laughed.

I was pleased by her praise. Going back down to the shop I forgot about the discovery I had made. Lainie had explained that the gun was just in case, and I didn’t think it very important. We were never likely to need it.

There were four customers being served when I went into the showroom and only two girls to cope with the sudden rush. Ruth shot me a look of relief as I went to assist her.

‘Mrs Holland has brought her niece in to buy an evening dress, Amy. It is for a very special dance. I’ve shown them several gowns but none of them were quite right. Could you suggest something?’

I glanced at the young lady sitting with the rather severe-looking matron. She was pretty with soft brown hair and a gentle, sweet face. She seemed unsure of herself and was clearly at a loss as to what to choose.

‘Did you show them the cream satin?’

‘Yes, but Mrs Holland said the neckline was too low. I think her niece liked it, though.’

‘Let me see if I can persuade her to try it on.’

I took the dress from the rail and approached Mrs Holland, who had bought a dress the previous day for herself.

‘Ah, there you are, Amy. I wondered where you had got to. Can you find a pretty dress for Mary? She wants something that isn’t too sophisticated.’

‘I thought this might suit her?’ I offered the cream satin dress.

‘The neckline is much too low!’

‘But we could alter that quite easily. The ruching could be eased at the neck here, and a silk flower placed at the point where it dips. That would give it a more youthful style and the colour would be good on Mary.’

‘It’s just right for me if the neckline were different,’ Mary said. ‘And it’s the only dress we’ve seen all afternoon that I like, Aunt.’

‘You are so difficult to please.’ Mrs Holland sighed. ‘I had hoped we wouldn’t have to have all your clothes made, Mary. It would be so much easier if we could buy at least some of them off the peg. Otherwise we shall be spending weeks on the fittings.’

‘Why don’t you let Mary try the dress on?’ I suggested. ‘I could have the alterations done by tomorrow – and if you don’t approve, Mrs Holland, we can return it to the rail.’

‘Would Miss O’Rourke be prepared to do that?’ Her eyes narrowed intently.

‘I think my suggestions will make the dress look perfect on Mary.’

‘Very well, you may try it on, Mary – but I want to see what it looks like before the alterations are done.’

I followed Mary into the changing rooms. She gave me a shy but grateful smile as I helped her slip the gown over her head.

‘Thank you for persuading my aunt into letting me try this,’ she said in a soft, nervous voice. ‘I loved it when the other girl showed it to us, but Aunt Emily said it was too sophisticated.’

‘Let me fasten the back for you … There. Now look at yourself.’

Mary twirled in front of the mirror. ‘It is beautiful, but I suppose the neckline is a bit low. I couldn’t wear it like that. My father wouldn’t approve. He likes young ladies to look modest.’

‘That’s easy to sort out.’ I took a pair of scissors and snipped through some stitching at the back of the heavily ruched neck. ‘We’ll make this much softer here and put a silk flower just there so that you can’t see it has been altered – do you see?’

‘Oh yes, that looks much better. You can’t see so much of me, can you?’ Mary looked pleased with the result of my work. ‘May I show my aunt?’

‘Let me just pin a flower. This isn’t the one we’ll use, but it gives you more idea of what it will look like.’

‘That’s even better. You are so clever, Amy.’

‘It’s what I should like to do – design gowns for people like you.’

‘You should do it,’ Mary said. ‘Let’s show Aunt Emily.’

We went out to the showroom where Mrs Holland was waiting. Her eyes went over Mary critically and then she nodded her approval.

‘That was very clever of you, Amy. How did you know what to do? Most shop girls wouldn’t have the first idea.’

‘I took a course in dress designing at art college,’ I replied. ‘It’s what I’d like to be doing – if I could get someone to buy my designs.’

‘Have you done many designs of your own?’

‘I have a folder of them upstairs. I draw them to amuse myself in the evenings.’

‘I would have thought an attractive young woman like yourself would be courting?’

‘Aunt Emily! That is so personal.’ Mary blushed and looked at me awkwardly.

‘I don’t mind. My young man is working in Manchester for six months. He has to save for another year or so before we can get married.’

‘He sounds like a thoroughly sensible young man.’ Mrs Holland looked thoughtful. ‘Will the alterations be done in your own workrooms?’

‘Yes, we do everything ourselves. Sally and Margaret are very good.’

‘The proof of that will be in the finished article. We shall see what you have made of this gown tomorrow. Come along, Mary. We still have to find you some shoes.’

Mary pulled a face at me as her aunt swept from the shop. I smiled at her but I was thoughtful as I took the gown into the workroom and explained what I wanted done.