New York Nights: Shaken and Stirred

She owed him something; she owed him the truth. “Because you scare me,” she said, the words coming out in a rush.

The bloodshot eyes looked at her, confused, as though it wasn’t the answer he’d expected. “Why? I’m the most unscary person on the planet.”

And for Tessa, that exact unscariness was the reason he was so dangerous to her well-being. If he was as raunchy as Sean, or as serious as Daniel, she’d have her shields up, and it’d be easy to keep a relationship alive while chasing her career. But Gabe wasn’t like most men. Her shields had never even had a chance.

“I need time, Gabe. That’s all. I have things I have to do first. I have to learn to be on my own.”

“I’m tired of your rules, I’m tired of your guidelines. Damn, right now I’m tired.”

He did look tired, and she hated that she was doing this, but if she didn’t do it now, she never would. He didn’t know how weak she really was. She had to make sure she could make it on her own. She had to make sure with one hundred percent certainty that if she needed to support herself, she could. Nobody seemed to understand that but her.

She stared into his tired eyes and willed herself to be strong. “I’ve known you for four years. You’re the first person I met in New York. The first person who offered me a job, the first person who made sure I understood the difference between a local and an express train, the first person who explained to me how to cross against the light in order to not be run over by the eight thousand people crossing against the light from the opposite direction. There’s no one that I’ve ever depended on more, Gabe. Nobody. Not even Denny. I can’t depend on you like that.”

Gabe, who had taken care of himself for his entire life, shrugged easily. “Yes, you can.”

“I have to learn to depend on myself first.”

“Tessa you can do anything you want.” He ran a hand through his hair. Dark, silky hair that probably Marisa had touched the way Tessa longed to.

Now wasn’t the time to think about his hair, she reminded herself. “You’re right. I can do anything I want. But I have to actually do it. I can’t just want to do it. There’s a difference.”

He took that in, and she could see the wheels turning in his head. Finally he nodded. “How long are we talking about here? A month? Another four years?”

And now they were discussing schedules. Tessa, who was about five years off hers, felt the familiar panic rise up inside her. “I don’t know.”

Gabe frowned, not sensing her panic, probably because he never panicked. Never felt that urgency at three in the morning, when she stared up at the ceiling, thinking of what she should be doing with her life and how much of a failure she would be if she didn’t decide soon.

“Do you know where I was last night?” he asked.

“Yeah,” answered Tessa, not really wanting to have this conversation.

“No. No, you don’t. It was Daniel’s wedding anniversary last night. Do you know how many wedding anniversaries he and Michelle had?”

“No,” she said, not understanding what Daniel’s wife had to do with his date with Marisa.

“Not a single one. They were married exactly five months before she was killed and never had one anniversary. Do you know what my brother did last night, Tessa?”

“No.”

“He got drunk. Falling down drunk in some bar in Westchester that I don’t even know how he ended up at. Sometimes it’s their anniversary, sometimes it’s her birthday and sometimes it’s nothing at all. My brother had a total of ten months with Michelle, and that was it. All my life I’ve been surrounded by people whose time was up before it was supposed to be, and nobody knows what’ll happen. We could all go tomorrow and—poof—we never would have had a chance. So you can see why I’m not eager to sit on my hands while you move forward with your life. I don’t want to end up drunk in a sports bar in Westchester because you needed time.”

“I’m sorry,” answered Tessa. And she was. She hated that people had to hurt. She hated that Daniel was hurt—he didn’t deserve that. She hated that Gabe was hurt—he didn’t deserve it either. But Tessa couldn’t fix the problems of the world, she had to focus on fixing Tessa. She had to fix herself or she never would. And maybe it didn’t matter to Gabe, maybe it didn’t matter to Daniel, maybe it didn’t matter to anyone but Tessa, but this was her last shot and she knew it. There were other people who could start over at thirty or start over at forty, or start over at sixty-five, but Tessa had never started at all. At some point she had to get out of the gate, and the clock was ticking.

“It doesn’t matter to me if you’re who you want to be or who you are, Tessa. You’re you. That’s enough for me. Why don’t we go slow? You want to do your class. Stay here.”

“I don’t know that I can do that, Gabe,” she said, even though she knew she couldn’t. Gabe was a long stretch of pristine beach looking out over the ocean. The summer breeze blowing across your skin, warming you, making you drowsy and relaxed. Tessa remembered those long, lazy days by the water, hours passing as you did nothing but lay there catching rays.

He met her eyes. “Don’t make me wait too long, because patience is too close to failure for me.”

“I won’t,” she said, feeling the panic moving up her throat. Panic that tasted remarkably like cold cereal.

Tessa swallowed it down. Keeping away from Gabe was the hardest thing she’d ever done, but she knew she didn’t have a choice, and maybe tomorrow she’d feel as if she’d conquered the world, but right now she felt like garbage.

So she smiled at him as if she’d just conquered the world. “Starts on Wednesday. Eight o’clock to five o’clock for ten straight days. I needed to talk to you about my schedule. I can’t be there until after five, when class is over. And then when I get my license, I think I should put in my two weeks notice at the bar. I’m going to make this work.”

“Sure,” he said, then gave her one last disappointed look. Their eyes locked, and she longed to take the easy way out, to run to him and ditch every damned goal she’d ever set for herself. It was just like before, when she was young and naive. However, this time she was older, wiser—and this time she was close to achieving what she wanted. So close. If he’d only give her the time to succeed. That was all she wanted. Time. And Gabe.

She sighed, a long, slow exhale of air because she needed to remember to breathe.

His gaze did move off her. Onto something new. “I’m going to bed.”

ON TUESDAY, TESSA HAD to turn in her application and fees for the real-estate class. As she got ready to leave, she messed with her hair for two hours in the bathroom. But even after two hours it still didn’t look any better. She pulled it back, she moussed it (that’d been a mistake), she wore a headband and then finally she combed it back down into her eyes, just the way she always wore it. But still she wasn’t satisfied. The thing about making over your life was that you wanted to do it in strappy heels and head-turning lipstick—and without a man’s name tattoed on your butt.

A trip to Sephora killed two nights’ worth of tips, but in exchange, she was now in possession of the handiwork of the devil.

Makeup.

Mascara, concealer, an eyelash curler, pressed powder, lip gloss, eye shadow, liner, foundation and four high-dollar tubes of lipstick. Tessa lined them up in a neat little row and studied them all carefully, taking note of what she was about to do.

Today she was moving one necessary step closer to the dark side, using tools designed to make women more appealing to men. Makeup was worn by women who lived with men, women who needed men to support them, women who needed male approval in order to feel fulfilled as a woman.

Women like Marisa.

Marisa, who was going to get her into Hudson Towers. There, Tessa felt her sense of resolve return.

Hudson Towers. A place to go home to after a hard day’s work, with no worries about tomorrow. She could look at the New York skyline and know that she had conquered them all.

That was power.

That was success.

Tessa smiled as though she were happy.

After utilizing the handiwork of the devil, she stared at herself in the mirror and decided that, yes, that devil was one smart dude. She looked awesome. Except for the hairstyle—or lack thereof.

Tomorrow she would get her tattoo removed. But then she pulled at the waist of her jeans, looked at the scarlet letters and decided that, no, she was going to keep it until she passed her real-estate exam. After that, the tattoo was gone. History. And her transformation would be complete.

As she went on the subway, she noticed the looks in men’s eyes, the envy from women, too. She turned in her application, paid the fees in cash, and said thank you to the lady at the desk as if she had the world at her feet.

The woman was polite and smiled, until the next lady showed up behind Tessa with strappy heels, head-turning lipstick and a killer hairstyle.

Tessa knew she didn’t have a choice. She was going to make over her life, her face, her feet and, yes, her hair. After that, she could have dessert. Namely on Gabe O’Sullivan à la mode.

She sped into a salon that she normally couldn’t afford, but this was for her career. She was changing her life, and the usual discount place wasn’t going to cut it anymore.

By the time she left, Francois had turned her into a veritable swan. And, sadly, because she needed to show it off, and Marisa wouldn’t understand, and her family was in Florida, she had no place to go but Prime.

Tessa hesitated outside the place, feeling nervous and foolish, but so what? She needed someone to tell her she looked good. She needed Gabe to tell her she looked good.

She pulled open the heavy door and walked in as if she owned the joint, which she didn’t.

Sean whistled and Charlie adjusted his glasses.

Gabe smiled.

Not wanting to tempt fate, she sat in front of Sean.

“I could have sex with you,” he said. “I just need to get that out in the open. Not that I want you to think I’m a shallow SOB whose head gets turned by a long neck and a great ass, but I can’t help who I am, and I believe in being honest and up front with women. So they know exactly what they’re getting. Besides a good time, I mean.”

“Thank you,” Tessa said primly.

It took thirty-three minutes for Gabe to approach her. She kept track. “You look good,” he said when Sean went off to get a phone number from some woman nearby.

“Thank you,” she said, basking in his warmth for only a little bit. She had always loved the beach.

“Ready for class?”

“I’ve been studying.”

“You don’t need to study for this. You can do apartment rentals and sales in your sleep.”

“Maybe. But the class isn’t about which buildings allow pets. I have to know contracts and finance and insurance and equal-opportunity laws.”

“You’ll still do fine. Any luck with the roommate situation? The phone’s been quiet.”

“I think I found a place. Should come open in about three weeks.”

“Really?”

“And I’ll be living single,” she said proudly.

“Very nice,” he said, but he didn’t look happy.

“Yeah. Finally. It’s only been twenty-six years.”

“You’ve got a lot to celebrate.”

“Yes, yes, I do. For the first time in my life I have something to celebrate. I’m going to head out now. Test out my new look on somebody else besides these losers.”

“That’s a good idea. Head over to the Carlyle. Classy place. Elegant. Like you.”

“I think I will. I’ve never been in there before.”

She could feel him watching her as she walked out the door.

Tessa smiled. Maybe it would be okay after all.

GABE LEFT SEAN IN CHARGE of closing, which was normally a recipe for disaster, but tonight he didn’t care. Tessa needed him and he knew it. She wasn’t a woman to go sit in bars alone like Marisa. She’d start talking to some used-car salesman from Omaha who was away from his wife for the first time in twenty years. And he’d want to get laid and he’d monopolize Tessa’s time for four hours until it was last call, and then she’d feel bad, but tell the guy no, and he would get all pissed off at her and yell, and Tessa didn’t need that kind of crap.

So Gabe took a quick shower, pulled out the black pants and shirt that he kept in the back of his closet for special nights and headed for the Carlyle.

He saw her immediately, sitting at the bar, a middle-aged toupee type sitting three seats away, giving her the eye.

Gabe sighed. When he was right, he was right.

He leaned against the wall, content to watch her for a while. There were women who took your breath away, and then there were women who were pure oxygen. That was Tessa.

Another lowlife hit on her, and she smiled politely, buying the loser a drink only because she felt sorry. Another lowlife came up, a little more forceful than the last, and her perfectly shaped brows curved downward, signaling a woman in need of rescuing.

Cue Gabe.

“Hi,” he said, taking the seat next to her.

Tessa looked up, her eyes startled, and she began to say something—probably no, but he wasn’t going to give her a chance. Gabe put a finger on her mouth. Tonight they’d do things her way. “No. We’ve never met.”

For a second she looked at him the way he’d dreamed she would look at him. Her green eyes were soft and filled with things that a used-car salesman from Omaha would never understand. Yes, there were definite advantages to doing things her way.

“Why are you drinking alone? A beautiful woman like you? You should have dozens of men buying you drinks, but instead you’re buying them all drinks. If you worked in a bar, you’d know this. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.”

“If wishes were horses…”

“Can I get you something to drink, Miss I-Can’t-Follow-the-Rules? Maybe some champagne? Or a cosmopolitan. You’re looking very cosmopolitan tonight.”

She shook her head. “No champagne. Diet soda, I think.”

“You must be a lightweight.”

“No, champagne sounds flat.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, wishing it were perfect. She should have perfect.

“Don’t be.”

“What are you celebrating?”

She tried to smile at him. “Being alone.”

“Bad breakup?”

“It hurt.”

Gabe told himself to be careful. With the look in her eyes, the tight curve of her lips, he could easily forget about taking things slow. But this one answer he had to know. “Any regrets?”

“Nah,” she said, slaying him with a single word. “It had to be done.”

“You want me to leave?”

Her gaze scanned his face, up and down, back and forth, as if he were a piece of art and not a living, breathing man—although he was currently not breathing.

Tessa licked her lips slowly, carefully, and he still didn’t breathe. “It makes me a weak person if I don’t want you to leave, and I don’t want to be weak, but I don’t want you to leave, either.”

Gabe took a breath. “I don’t think you’re weak.”

“I do,” she said, sounding so sad, so lonely, and he hated that wanting to be with him made her sad. It shouldn’t happen that way. He shouldn’t want to take advantage of it, but, goddamn, he couldn’t stop. How could he stop?

Silently Gabe got up, refusing to look at the heartbreak in her eyes. Tessa looked at him, startled, but didn’t keep him.

They’d both be better off if he left.

TESSA KNEW GABE HAD done the right thing. He was trying to give her the time she’d asked for. She waved over the bartender.

“I’ll take a tequila shot,” she ordered, which was her panacea for most everything in the world.

She looked around the bar, seeing the cartoons on the wall, the beautiful people who were laughing and living here.

She didn’t belong.

When Gabe sat next to her, she could pretend, and it was fun to pretend, but it was nothing more than pretend.

She rubbed a finger around the rim of the glass, tasting the tang of alcohol, and then Gabe returned.

He ordered a beer and didn’t say a word to her, but there was a key in front of him. Not a car key, not a key to the bar, not a key to all her problems, but a hotel room key.

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