Wildfire Sweethearts

Silently, he yearned for redemption. If only God could forgive him for failing Zach. If only he could forgive himself.

Tessa hadn’t mentioned her brother. Maybe they were both too surprised to see each other like this. Out in the middle of nowhere. Taken off guard.

When Sean had seen her sitting on the side of the road, a surge of exhilaration had swept over him. He had his sources. A mutual friend had told him she’d be driving along this deserted road to Minoa today. Though he hadn’t planned on coming across her, he’d arranged his own itinerary so that he’d be traveling the same route. Honoring the promise he’d made to Zach, just in case she needed him. And it turned out that she had.

Deep inside, he knew it was more than his promise to Zach that had brought him here today. He tried not to care but couldn’t help craving one more glimpse of Tessa’s pert, stubborn nose and flawless complexion, one more breath of her long, coconut-scented hair. It wasn’t just her beauty that drew him to her, but also her spunk. Her grit. Who she was inside. Something he couldn’t explain. A connecting of their spirits.

Nor could he find any respite from the guilt he carried around like a load of bricks in his heart. The psychiatrist he’d visited several times after the fire had said he was suffering from survivor’s guilt and PTSD. Because he’d failed to save Zach, he didn’t believe he could marry Tessa now. How could he look her in the eye every day of their life together and justify why he’d survived but her brother had died?

She had told him once that she thought there was no justification to ever lose a man or woman’s life on a fire. That it always had to be someone’s fault. In this case, that someone was him. She must surely blame him. And he’d feared that her doubts and resentment would simmer inside her until they slowly destroyed their marriage. He couldn’t put either of them through an ugly divorce. Tessa deserved better than that.

He stared at the back taillights of her trailer. She always packed light. Not a lot of encumbrances to tie her down. That was just one thing he liked about this woman. She didn’t require a lot of baggage. But she wasn’t happy anymore. He could see that in her wary eyes. And he couldn’t blame her. It would take a lot more than eight months for her to trust him again and to recover from Zach’s death.

It might take forever.

They stopped in Austin for fuel. Tessa didn’t wait for him before she pulled up to a pump, climbed out and started filling her tank. He knew she was very capable, but the gentleman in him forced him to brush her hands aside. She jerked and almost sprayed him with gasoline. The pungent scent of petro filled the air.

“Sorry! But you shouldn’t sneak up on a girl.” Her face flushed red as a new fire engine.

“I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to help.”

“There’s no need for you to trouble yourself. I can do this,” she said.

“I know, but it doesn’t sit well with me to let you do this chore when I’m close by.” He spoke low and calm, trying not to fluster her. Trying to ignore the tingles of heat shooting up his arm from where their fingers had touched. When they were on the fireline, he had never interceded with her work. But when they were out like this, he felt that filling up her vehicle was the courteous thing to do. Zach had taught him that and so much more.

Inside the convenience store, he bought her a thin piece of jerky and a diet soda. Not because she asked him to, but because he knew they were her favorite traveling foods.

“Thank you.” She didn’t meet his eyes as she took the items and climbed back into her truck. He got the impression she was purposefully avoiding him, and he thought it was just as well.

Two hours later they pulled into Minoa. Population three thousand and eighty-four. Including dogs, cats and gophers. The perfect size for a wilderness hotshot crew base.

Tessa drove past Rocklin’s Diner, the only restaurant in town, to her small apartment three blocks off Main Street. Her trailer bounced lightly over a speed bump as she pulled into a parking space and killed the engine. She tossed a glance over her shoulder and waved him on, but he didn’t go. Knowing she had a trailer filled with heavy boxes to empty before dark, he parked beside her and got out of his truck.

“Now what are you doing?” she asked when she met him at the back of the vehicle.

He flipped the latch on the trailer and pulled the door open wide. “I’m helping you carry your stuff inside.”

She bumped him aside with her hip. “Oh, no you’re not.”

In the past he would have teased her. Tickling her ribs as they jockeyed for position in the trailer. But not now. For two seconds he thought about leaving her alone but couldn’t bring himself to do so. Not when she needed him. It just wouldn’t be right, even if she was looking at him with a most adorable frown.

Gazing into her eyes, he couldn’t help smiling. “You sure look pretty when you’re being stubborn.”

Her mouth dropped open in surprise. In a rush, he wondered why he’d said such a thing. He had no right to flirt with her. Not anymore. The words had popped out before he could stop them.

To cover up the awkward moment, he reached past her and hefted a beat-up recliner out onto the hot cement. “I thought you had a furnished apartment.”

“I do,” she said.

“Then why are you keeping this ratty old chair?”

Her gaze lowered to the tattered upholstery and he knew the answer without her saying one word. It had been Zach’s chair. She was holding on to anything and everything that had belonged to her brother. Memorializing Zach the only way she knew how.

He almost reached out and brushed a curl off her cheek. Instead, he slid his hands around the armrests. “I miss him, too.”

She jerked her head up, her eyes flashing with anger. “Then why did you shut me out? What are you hiding from me?”

He tensed, not knowing how to explain. “I’m not hiding. Let’s just drop it, Tess.”

“Drop it? Don’t you think you at least owe me an explanation?” Her eyes shot him a dart of hostility.

Yes, but he didn’t respond, forcing himself to be patient. He’d hurt her deeply and she had every right to be upset. Zach’s death had brought him to a standstill. He was haunted by spine-tingling nightmares, recriminations and regrets. But until he figured it out and reconciled it in his mind, he couldn’t move forward. But he couldn’t go backward, either. In fact, he felt stuck in limbo. And it didn’t help that Tessa suspected that Zach’s death was his fault.

Her jaw hardened, her eyes spitting flame. For a moment he thought she might chew him out. Instead, she whirled around and reached for a heavy box. Jerking it free of the trailer, she carried it toward the stairs with a stiff stride.

“Too bad you live on the second floor.” He grunted as he wrapped his arms around the chair and braced the padded sides against the front of his thighs. Waddling like a duck, he wrestled it over to the bottom of the stairs then heaved it up in a hurried rush.

“It’s the one with a view,” she called over her shoulder.

At her apartment door, he set the chair down with a whoof of air and waited for her to insert the key and open the door.

“Were you planning on moving everything in by yourself?” he asked, knowing she could do it. He’d seen her fight fire, after all. In spite of her fragile features, Tessa was a scrapper. She wasn’t overly strong, but she paced herself, using her stamina to work many men under the table.

“I was gonna call Harlie to see if he could help me out,” she said.

Hmm. Sean knew he shouldn’t mind. Harlie was a member of their hotshot crew and a good man. But the guy was also single and nice-looking. Sean had no right to feel jealous, but he did. A lot. And he wished he didn’t.

Within an hour they had the trailer emptied. Sean accepted a drink of water she offered him from the tap in the kitchen. While she busied herself emptying a box, he drained the liquid in three long swallows.

He didn’t ask before he went to work helping her put her possessions away. Since she’d spent three summers living in this apartment, he knew exactly where everything went. He stayed in the kitchen, stacking four plates, glasses and pans into the cupboards. He tried not to remember the many meals they’d prepared and shared at the small wooden table, but it all came back like a rushing flood. The decadent desserts Tessa had made. Zach’s robust laughter as he teased his baby sister. Sean missed the jubilant camaraderie they’d all enjoyed. They’d been so naive and happy then.

Shaking it off, Sean resumed his work. Within another hour they had everything in order. Tessa set her heavy fire pack beside the front door, ready for work in the morning.

“Do you need anything else?” Standing in the middle of the tiny living room, he gazed at the simple but comfortable surroundings and wished he could stay.

“No, I’m good. Thanks for everything. I appreciate it.” She stood nearby, looking up at him with those lovely, magnetic eyes.

He fought off the urge to pull her close against his heart. Every fiber of his being cried out to touch her. To breathe her in. Instead, he slid his hands into his pants pockets and slapped a hard grip on himself. She wasn’t his anymore, and he’d better accept that.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” he said.

She gave one jerking nod and he reached for the doorknob. As he left, he threw a quick glance over his shoulder. She stood right where he’d left her, her eyes mirroring the sadness he felt deep inside.

Chapter Two

The following morning Tessa sat in the training room at the hotshot base with the rest of her twenty-man crew. Leaning her elbows on the desk in front of her, she tried to act interested in what the men were saying but couldn’t quite meet that goal. Since all but the superintendent and captain were seasonal employees, they’d been apart all winter long and had a lot to catch up on, but all she could think about was Sean. She hadn’t seen him since yesterday. Or Brian, the crew’s superintendent, and Rolland, their captain. And she wondered what was delaying their arrival.

“Thanks for the eats, Tessa.” Harlie took a big bite out of a chocolate-covered doughnut with pink sprinkles on top. On her way into work that morning, she’d picked up a box of pastries from the local bakery. It was a great morale booster.

The other men added their thanks.

She just smiled and took a sip of her hot chocolate.

“Hey, Tessa. Nice tan. Where have you been all winter? Hawaii?” Dean Clawson waggled his eyebrows at her. As a freshman hotshot, he was new to the squad, and she could already tell he was a big flirt.

She glanced at the man’s sandy-blond hair and pale skin. Within a week, she knew he’d be beet-red with sunburn. But by mid-August, he’d be a sun-bronzed firefighter. Women would be flocking to his door. But not her. Since her breakup with Sean, she wasn’t interested in dating anyone.

“I’ve been in Montana. And I’m afraid that bleached body of yours is gonna fry this summer.” She spoke deadpan, without blinking.

The men roared with laughter.

“Ouch!” Harlie said.

Their joking was all in good fun, but as the only woman on this crew, she had to hold her own with these macho maniacs, or she wouldn’t survive long.

Sean came in from the side office, followed by Jared Marshall, the fire management officer. A tall, athletic man with dark blond hair and dazzling blue eyes, Jared had married Megan Rocklin two months earlier. Megan was the owner of the only restaurant in town and one of Tessa’s best friends. Unfortunately, they hadn’t given a lot of notice about their nuptials. Tessa had been in Missoula going to school at the time and regretted that she’d been in the middle of midterms and unable to attend the wedding. But she’d sent the newlyweds an ornate crystal vase and a heartfelt congratulations note.

Hmm. What was the FMO doing here? And where were Brian and Rolland?

“Good morning, and welcome back.” Jared waved the group into silence while Sean stood leaning against the wall.

To begin, Jared gave a short, motivational speech about working as a team and watching each other’s backs. He then introduced the two newest members of the crew.

Dean and Ace grinned as they stood and bowed gallantly, undoubtedly showing off to hide their insecurities. Knowing they had a lot to learn, Tessa cheered with the rest of the men. Jared waited for the noise to settle down.

“One last item of business before you start your training. I’m sorry to say that Brian has resigned. He got married in January and moved to Portland last week to be with his new bride.”

Pete nudged Harlie with his elbow and smirked as he whispered loudly. “See? I told you so.”

A snicker filtered through the men. Tessa would never understand why they found humor in the simplest of things but realized it was merely a pressure valve for the serious work ahead.

“Additionally, you may have heard about Rolland Simpson’s wife and eldest daughter being killed in a car crash last week.”

A round of gasps and sympathetic sounds came from the group.

“Is Rollo all right?” Harlie asked.

“Yeah, but he’s real torn up about it. His youngest daughter survived the crash. Rollo wasn’t with his family at the time, but he may not be able to return until the end of the summer fire season. It’ll take him some time to get things sorted out. We’ll hold his position open for the time being,” Jared said.

That meant the leadership of their crew had all but been wiped out. So, who was going to lead the team?

“Sean has been selected as your new superintendent,” Jared continued. “I know you’ll agree he’s highly qualified to be your crew leader and you’ll give him the respect due to his position. Since Rollo will be gone for the time being, I’m counting on all of you to help Sean with that extra work.”

Tessa’s mouth dropped open. She hadn’t expected this. No, not at all. Her ears felt clogged, like she was submerged under water. Not in a million years had she thought Sean would be her boss. The leader of the entire hotshot crew.

Hearing the news, Pete sucked in a startled breath. Harlie and Tank’s expressions remained stoic. And Tessa knew why. Most of them had been there that fateful day when Zach had died. They weren’t sure that Sean was up to this new task. At least, not so soon.

Why hadn’t Sean told her about his promotion? Yesterday, in her apartment, he’d had plenty of opportunity. A year ago she would have felt proud and delighted by the news. But right now she couldn’t help wondering if he could be trusted to look after the crew’s well-being.

The men broke into mild applause, but she could see the doubt in some of their eyes.

Tessa forced herself to clap her hands. She did so with misgivings. After all, Sean had been a squad leader when Zach was killed. But what if he’d been too inattentive, or took an unnecessary risk? It could have been a simple error. One little bad decision that had gotten Zach killed. A tiny bit of information that had been excluded from the incident report. It was one thing to see Sean every day. To work around him and interact. But taking orders from him as he steered the crew through numerous dangerous situations was another matter entirely.

It appeared that she had no choice. Not if she wanted her job.

“Okay, I think that’s it. Stay safe out there, take care of each other and fight fire.” With a satisfied nod, Jared made his exit to return to the forest supervisor’s office.

Tessa didn’t say a word as Harlie slid a disc into the overhead projector and Pete switched off the lights so they could watch a training film on how to deploy their new fire shelters. She tried to focus, but her gaze kept wandering over to Sean. Dressed like the rest of the team in a navy blue T-shirt, spruce-green pants and a pair of White’s vibram-soled fire boots, he sat on a corner of the desk at the front of the room. He folded his muscular arms, his jaw locked as he stared at the overhead screen.

He turned his head and pinned Tessa with a gaze so intense that she actually squirmed. She looked away quickly, trying to forget what this man had once meant to her. Trying to push aside her doubts over his possible role in Zach’s death.

A short time later the crew went outside to exercise. They started with calisthenics and graduated to a three-mile hike up a sharp incline with their forty-five-pound packs on their backs. Tessa stifled a groan and focused on the space right in front of her feet. Good thing she’d kept herself in top physical condition during the winter months or she wouldn’t have been able to keep up. She did everything she was asked to do, trying to numb her mind to the arduous months ahead. And when the workday was through, she felt exhausted and as confused as ever.

She was the last of her crew to leave for the day. Darkness covered the earth as she headed outside to her truck. The comforting chirp of crickets came from the cluster of boxwoods edging the length of the garage. She glanced at the gleaming lights of the office. At the last moment she veered off course and headed that way. She didn’t know what was driving her, but she had to speak with Sean alone, before she could chicken out. She wanted to find out what he thought about his new assignment. And maybe she might even get him to finally open up and confide in her.

* * *

Sean sat at his new desk, his head bowed over a stack of reports and unopened mail. He knew this job well, but with Brian’s sudden departure, there was a lot to catch up on.

As he reached for the letter opener, a subtle noise drew his attention. He looked up, a rush of surprise washing over him. Tessa stood leaning against the doorjamb, contemplating him with a slight frown.

“Busy at work, I see,” she said.

Was it his imagination, or did her voice sound a bit disapproving? He didn’t want any conflict with her right now. Not when he was working so hard to regain the crew’s trust. He’d seen the way the men had looked at him after the FMO announced his promotion. The doubt and hesitancy in their eyes. He’d been a member of this crew for years. If this was his last season fighting fire, he was determined to prove himself worthy of the team.

“Do you need something?” He spoke in a brusque tone.

She folded her arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“About your new promotion.”

He sat back, his chair squeaking. “I only found out myself last night, after I left you.”

Which was true. He’d known Brian had eloped and was crazy in love. That his new wife lived in Portland and refused to leave. Which meant Brian had to drive six hundred miles one way every weekend to be with her. It was an impossible endeavor once the hotshot crew got busy with the fire season. Sean had known it was just a matter of time before Brian left the squad and someone else was named superintendent. Until last night, he’d expected that to be Rollo. But making arrangements to bury his wife and eldest daughter and help his younger daughter cope with the loss would take some time, so the captain was out of commission for a while. As one of the crew’s two squad leaders, Sean had gotten the job. It had just been one of those things where he was at the right place at the right time for a promotion. But he hadn’t known for sure until he’d received the call from Jared.

Tessa tilted her head and peered at him as though seeking the truth in his eyes. “Did you suspect this was going to happen?”

He tightened his jaw. “I don’t know much of anything until they tell me. You know how it works.”

“How do you feel about this new assignment?” she asked.

“I feel fine. Why do you ask?” And yet he didn’t feel fine. There had been a time when he would have loved such a promotion. But now he worried that he wasn’t up to the task. He didn’t think he could cope if he lost another man, or woman, under his watch.

She dropped her arms to her sides and came to stand in front of his scarred wooden desk. Sean’s gaze followed her graceful movements. An old, lingering emotion of attraction filtered through his veins. Why did it have to be this woman who made his heart sing?

“A lot happened last summer,” she said.

“And what’s that got to do with my promotion?”

She lifted a hand, her face creased with exasperation. “Nothing, I guess.”

She obviously didn’t trust him. Didn’t think he was up to his new assignment. And that bothered him intensely. Because he wanted her to believe in him, even if he no longer believed in himself.

He forced himself to sit very still and not react. But inside, he felt grouchy. He wasn’t sleeping well. Always on edge. Crowded rooms made him anxious. His heart raced and his palms got clammy for no apparent reason. The lingering symptoms of PTSD. He still hadn’t been able to claw his way out, but he didn’t want to tell Tessa that. It was difficult to pretend their breakup wasn’t hinged on Zach’s death, but Sean knew that was the real cause. He just didn’t know how to get past it and make it right.

If only he hadn’t taken Zach to work in that chimney area with highly flammable fuels. He’d been Zach’s squad leader. He’d talked it over with Zach and they both thought they could get a jump on the fire. The tactic would have succeeded, too, except that squirrely winds had whipped around so fast, they didn’t know what was happening until it was too late. The winds brought a buttonhook fire racing uphill toward them. With little time to react, Sean had quickly radioed the rest of the crew to warn them to evacuate. They’d all made it to the safety zone, but Sean and Zach couldn’t get there in time. Instead, Sean had tried to take Zach to a previously burned area nearby. It wouldn’t be ideal, but they could deploy their fire shelters and ride out the burnover.

Zach wouldn’t go. He’d panicked and run the other way. And when Sean had chased after him, Zach had swung his fists so hard that it had knocked Sean down. He’d been dazed as he staggered to his feet. And by the time he’d shaken it off, Zach was gone. Sean thought about going after him, but he knew there wasn’t time. Later, Sean was absolved of any wrongdoing, but he still blamed himself. Because he’d been Zach’s squad leader. Because he’d chosen life instead of trying to find Zach.

“We’re not together now. We don’t owe each other any explanations,” Sean said.

Tessa lifted her chin, her golden-brown ponytail bouncing against her shoulders. “You mean you don’t owe me any explanations. Is that it?”

He never could fool Tessa. She recognized his reservations for what they were. A wall. A shield. To keep her and everyone else out. But he couldn’t talk about Zach’s death right now. He just couldn’t.

She leaned forward and rested her hands on top of his cluttered desk. “You almost died in that fire with Zach, yet you act as though it never happened. My brother’s death hurt all of us, Sean. It might help if you talk about it.”

“With you?” he asked.

“Sure, why not? We were close friends once.”

He looked away. They’d been more than friends. She’d meant everything to him. “I know, but the reports have been filed. There’s nothing left to say.”

“Sure there is. I’ve tried to give you time. To let you work through this on your own. But it’s obvious you’re in the same place you were in when I left town last September. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s gotten better. I know you’re hurting, Sean. But I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

He stared back at her, forcing himself not to blink. He couldn’t tell her about his guilt and PTSD. He had to be strong and overcome it on his own. After all, he was in charge of this hotshot crew now.

“Say something,” she insisted.

He grit his teeth. “I have nothing else to say.”

He spoke the words low. He heard the doubt in her voice. An edge of suspicion and resentment. His mind told him he’d done everything right that fateful day, but he couldn’t believe it. He kept replaying different scenarios over in his mind. If only he’d done this, or that, or something else, then Zach would still be here.