Back to Me

“Maybe it won’t be that bad,” I said, trying to show support for my mom, but in my heart I knew I could not make it sleeping in a pickup truck. I’m a tough Latina, but not that resilient.

“My God, Salena. I swear, sometimes I have a hard time believing you’re my sister,” said Aunt Raven as she combed her fingers through her hair.

“Everyone isn’t perfect like you, Raven. Mom and Dad loved you more. I never got all the things or the attention you got. You could never do wrong in their eyes!”

“Why are you bringing up something that doesn’t even matter in this situation? I’m talking about providing a stable home for your daughter, and you’re bringing up crap from thirty years ago,” Aunt Raven snapped.

“Because it is important, and you know it. Had I gotten just a little bit of the encouragement that you received, I’d be a better woman today.”

“No. You’re the woman you are today because of the choices you’ve made.” Aunt Raven’s words made perfect sense to me, but my mother just didn’t want to hear the naked truth. Instead she twisted it into something she could use.

“Choices,” said my mom and then paused. “You’re right. We all have choices to make. If you think I’m such a horrible mother, what choice are you going to make to fix or help me change my situation?”

Exhaling loudly, Aunt Raven said, “Look, maybe I can talk to Herman, and you and Viviana could stay with us until you’re able to find a job and get on your feet, but I know Herman isn’t going to let Martin live here. I wouldn’t dare ask him to agree to that.”

“Yeah, Mom, I like that idea,” I chimed in, agreeing with the solution Aunt Raven was offering.

“Hell no!” My mother flat out refused the offer. “I wouldn’t go back to living under the same roof with you if I were blind, crippled and crazy.”

“You can’t live out of a damn pickup truck, Salena!” Aunt Raven barked.

“You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do! See, that’s your freaking problem, Raven. You’re too damn bossy.”

Aunt Raven tossed her hands up. “I’m done. Talking common sense to you is pointless.”

“So, you don’t want me living in the pickup truck, right?” my mother asked.

“No,” answered Aunt Raven as she removed a glass from the cupboard. She filled it with crushed ice from the refrigerator, then with water. “Your lifestyle isn’t of concern to me. I am worried about Viviana, though.”

“Okay, then help me out, for Viviana’s sake,” my mom said.

“I’m trying to. Lord knows that I am,” answered Aunt Raven.

“Help me out by giving me a loan,” my mother said.

“You still owe me two thousand dollars, Salena. I’m not giving you any more money,” Aunt Raven said.

“That’s not a lot of money for you.” My mother didn’t give much weight to being in debt to her sister.

Aunt Raven took a drink of water and then just stared into her glass. There was a long moment of silence.

“Get your things, Viviana. We’re not welcome here,” said my mother.

“Viviana isn’t going anywhere. And for the record, I never said that she wasn’t welcome here,” Aunt Raven said.

“No. Viviana is coming with me and Martin to Louisiana,” my mother insisted.

“Viviana needs to go to school,” Aunt Raven said. “And she can’t do that with a registered address being a pickup truck.”

“She can worry about school later,” said my mom.

“Salena, do you even understand what you’re saying?” asked Aunt Raven.

“What? Are you trying to say that I don’t take good care of her?” My mother growled her words like a lion.

“No, you don’t. You’ve moved around so much that Viviana hasn’t earned enough credits to move into her senior year of high school. If you keep moving around like this, she’s going to end up being kicked out of high school because she’ll age out of the system. A seventeen-year-old sophomore isn’t acceptable. She needs stability. She needs a place to call home.”

“If she gets kicked out, she can take the GED test. It’s not a big deal.” My mother pointed her index finger at Aunt Raven.

“Don’t put your finger in my face,” Aunt Raven warned her.

There was another moment of silence. Finally, Aunt Raven spoke. “Viviana, you should go upstairs.”

“Why?” I asked, not wanting to leave. I looked at my mother to see if I should excuse myself or stay put.

“Run along, Viviana,” my mom said. “Raven and I need to work this out.”

“You’re not going to get into a fistfight, are you?” I asked.

“No,” they both said simultaneously.

“Okay, I just wanted to make sure,” I said, getting up from the table. As I made my way back upstairs, I saw Aunt Raven pick up her cell phone. I paused for a moment to see who she was calling. I eavesdropped on the conversation.

“Hello, Mom. It’s me, Raven. Salena has surfaced,” I heard her say.

Two

MAYA

After watching Viviana rush out of the house like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum, I went up to my bedroom. I couldn’t believe she had missed most of her junior year of high school and had to repeat it. I know it wasn’t totally her fault, but it still didn’t stop me from thinking she wasn’t all that bright of a student. I also wasn’t feeling the idea of my mom wanting to let her stay. I wanted Viviana to leave. The longer she stayed around, the more I got a bad feeling something crazy was going to jump off.

I closed my door and grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand, where it was recharging. I saw that I’d received several text messages, and hoped at least one of them was from Misalo. When I checked, I found that there were several photos of shirtless male friends I knew. I shouldn’t really call them friends, since they were just guys from the neighborhood that both Misalo and I hung out with. One shirtless photo had a message that read, Maya, I didn’t know you were so freaky. Heard you broke up with Misalo. Hit me back, Bobby.

There was also a photo of Hector, wearing only his boxer shorts. In the photo he was trying to flex his scrawny biceps muscle, which had a tattoo of a skull. His message read, I can give you all of this and a lot more. Misalo was stupid for letting a super freak like you go. Come see what it feels like to be with a real man, baby. The final one was from a boy named Bailey, who was on the soccer team with Misalo. He forwarded a photo of his pierced tongue. His message read, I have front row tickets to the Lil Wayne concert. What are you willing to do for them? Frustrated and ticked off that they were doing this, I shot them all text messages back that read, Oh, hell to the no! I wouldn’t date you if you were the last idiot on the planet! Now leave me alone!

I heard a knock at my door. “Go away!” I said. Whoever was there clearly didn’t understand English, because I saw the door creep open. “Hey, I said get the hell—” I didn’t finish, because I saw that it was my best friend, Keysha. She was wearing blue jean shorts, a white tank top and some cute sandals. She also had a cute pink scarf covering her damp hair. Keysha worked part-time as a lifeguard at the pool, and liked to cover her hair at the end of her shift.

“I didn’t tell you to enter,” I said condescendingly.

“Whoa, where is this hostility coming from? I came over here to see how you were doing,” Keysha said defensively.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I’m just in a really funky mood.”

Keysha came in and closed the door. “I think your mom is talking to her sister. And did you know that Viviana is blocking the steps, looking like she has to send a late text to her boyfriend?” she asked.

“Huh?” I was completely confused by what Keysha was saying.

Chuckling, Keysha said, “It’s something I overheard. Some guys were at the pool, boasting about how many girls they’d slept with. One of them said, ‘I love having sex, so I use latex so that my girl won’t send me a late text.’ It was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard, but Viviana has a look on her face like she needs to send a late text.”

“Please! That chick couldn’t get the ugliest boy on the planet to even look in her direction. Her attitude is nastier than a baboon’s behind.”

“Wow,” Keysha said, surprised by my total dislike of Viviana.

“I’ll run down and see my aunt Salena later,” I said as I sat down at the foot of my bed. I released a long, depressing sigh. Keysha came and sat next to me. She draped her arm around me and gave me a big hug. I leaned forward and placed my face in the palms of my hands. I gave myself permission to cry while Keysha rocked me.

“Come on, girl. If you start crying, then I’ll start, too,” Keysha said.

I got a lasso around my emotions before getting up to pull a few Kleenex tissues from a box on top of my dresser.

“Have you heard from him?” Keysha asked.

“No. He won’t return my phone calls,” I said.

“Maybe he’ll answer if I call,” Keysha said.

“Would you?” I asked, feeling as if Misalo might answer her phone call.

“Yeah,” Keysha said. She removed her cell phone from her pocket and called him. She then handed me the phone. After several rings, Misalo answered the phone.

“Hey, honey,” I said as sweetly as I could.

“Keysha? I know you’re not trying to hook up with me,” Misalo said.

“This isn’t Keysha,” I said innocently. “It’s me, Maya. Can we talk?” I asked.

“Maya, I’m not going to play these games with you. Obviously you’ve been secretly dealing with Carlo behind my back. I just wish you could have owned up to the fact that you wanted someone else. You didn’t have to string me along, as if we had something special that couldn’t be broken.”

“We do have something special. This is all just a big misunderstanding, baby,” I said, hoping my honey-coated words would reach his heart.

“Maya, you were slow dancing with another guy at a party. I’m done with you,” he said with absolute certainty.

“But I’m not ready for you to be done with me,” I said, feeling my tears swell.

“You should’ve thought about that before you started creeping with Carlo,” Misalo replied, raising his voice at me.

Raising my voice back, I asked, “Will you at least give me a chance to explain my side of the story?”

“Maya, I don’t…” He paused. “You know what? You’re not the woman I thought you were. Just stop bothering me,” he said and hung up. I felt as numb as a rock as I sat there with the phone to my ear, as if he would return and say he was sorry. I felt as if the world had stopped time. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was over between Misalo and me.

“What did he say?” asked Keysha.

“He hates me,” I whispered as more tears fell from my eyes.

Keysha attempted to make me feel better. “He doesn’t hate you. Misalo loves you.”

“I have to do something. I’m not going to let this happen,” I said, suddenly feeling angry.

“What are you going to do?” Keysha asked.

“I don’t know, but I’m not giving up. I’ll fight for him if I have to,” I said with absolute resolve.

“Well, you know I’m here for you,” Keysha said, offering her support.

Smearing away my tears of sadness, I turned to her and said, “I love him, Keysha. If his heart is broken, then so is mine. If he feels sad, then so do I. When his soul is wounded, so is mine. He knows in his heart that I wasn’t trying to hurt him.”

“Okay, let’s go back a little. Tell me again what happened,” Keysha said.

“I’m telling you, it was nothing. I snuck out of the house,” I explained.

“I still can’t believe you did that,” Keysha remarked.

“I know. I’m so perfect, right? I never do anything wild or crazy. I’m always the responsible one,” I said mockingly.

“But that’s who you are. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never pulled the sneak-out-of-the-house stunt.” Keysha reminded me of my untarnished record.

“Have you forgotten about the party I went to where I got my leg broken?” I reminded her.

“No, but that was different,” Keysha said.

“How? It was a party that I wasn’t supposed to be at,” I said, stating the facts.

“Okay, fair enough. So maybe you’re not as perfect as I’m making you out to be, but you’re certainly not a wild child.” Keysha moved over to my bedroom window and glanced out of it. “Looks like your aunt is leaving,” she said.

“Really! Is she taking Viviana with her?” I asked as I sprang to my feet to glance out the window. I saw my aunt and this hulking guy get into a hideous pickup truck. “Eww! What a crappy-looking car,” I said.

“I know. As I came up the driveway, I peeked inside, and, man, was it junky in there. Dude seriously needs to clean out his ride,” Keysha mentioned.

I grumbled as I saw the pickup truck back out of the driveway. “They didn’t take Viviana.”

“Wow. How much longer is she going to be here?” Keysha asked.

“I have no clue,” I said. “One thing is for sure. I’m never going to trust her again.”

“I wouldn’t, either, especially after she left you stranded the way she did.” Keysha pointed out the fact that Viviana had attended the party with me and then had left me stranded.

“Anyway, if I hadn’t run into Carlo at the party, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten back home.”

Keysha cleared her throat and said, “Excuse me. I was on the phone with you that night, offering to pay for your cab fare home.”

“I know, Keysha. Thank you for being there for me,” I said earnestly.

“You’re lucky you’re my BFF, because I wouldn’t shell out money like that for anyone else,” she said.

“I can’t wait to get my driver’s license,” I said.

Keysha snapped her fingers. “I forgot to tell you,” she said excitedly.

“Tell me what?” I asked.

Keysha stood in the center of my bedroom and started doing her happy dance. “My dad has signed me up for private driving lessons. I’m going to be getting my permit and then my driver’s license. Then bam! He’s going to buy me a car. And when that happens, girl, we are going to be driving all over town.”

“Why didn’t you remind me to ask my dad so that we could take the class together?”

“Because on the day I was going to tell you, all of the drama with Misalo happened.” Keysha stopped dancing around.

I sighed. “Do you think I should buy him something? It would be my way of asking for a truce.”

Keysha shrugged her shoulders. “It couldn’t hurt. Maybe if he sees how sorry you truly are, he’ll give you another chance. Still, in my honest opinion, I think Misalo is overreacting to this entire situation.”

“I think so, too.” I felt a swell of sadness rising in my heart once again. “Keysha, I want you to be totally honest with me,” I said.

“I always am,” Keysha reminded me.

“If Wesley, Antonio or Jerry were to come back, saying they were sorry for what they did, which one would you give another chance to?” I asked.

“Wow,” Keysha said as she pondered that one. “In all honesty, the only one I’d truly believe was sorry would be Wesley.”

“So, you’re saying you’d give him another chance?” I asked, just to be extra sure.

Keysha banged the heel of her hand against the side of her head a few times.

“Why are you hitting yourself like that?” I asked, completely confused.

“My scalp itches. The water at the pool has really made my hair dry. Plus, it’s about time for these braids to come out.”

“Okay. You need to warn me before you do that again. I thought you were freaking out or something.” I chuckled.

“Ha-ha,” she said.

“So, answer my question,” I insisted.

“If the circumstances were right, I’d go back to Wesley,” Keysha said.

“Wow! Really?” I asked, thinking for sure she’d give Jerry another shot.

“Yeah. There is just something about Wesley that is kind of pure and innocent,” Keysha explained. “So, what are we going to do? I have the day off.”

“I don’t know. Maybe you should just go and do your own thing today. I’m sort of in a really jacked-up mood,” I said truthfully.

“Well, that’s what best friends are for. We pull each other out of the dumps. You know the Heritage Summer Festival is going on today at the park. We could put on some cute outfits and go see if some hot guys will be there.”

“I don’t feel like changing clothes. I just want to sit around and mope.”

“You could go there and shop for a nice, unique gift for Misalo. Besides, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was there. I overheard lots of people at the pool talking about going.” Keysha knew exactly what to say to get me motivated.

Perking up, I said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” I moved over to my closet and opened it. “Come on, Keysha. Help me find something to wear.”

“That’s the spirit, girl! Sitting in a room, all gloomy, thinking about what happened will drive you crazy. On top of that, crazy doesn’t look good on you.”

“I agree, but it’s not easy getting over a broken heart,” I admitted as another wave of depression wrapped around me like a warm blanket.

Three

VIVIANA

I didn’t go up to Anna’s room as Aunt Raven had asked me to. Instead, I walked up a few steps, situated myself so I couldn’t be seen, then leaned over the banister, eavesdropping on the conversation my mother and aunt were having with Grandmother Esmeralda. I was able to hear my mother say, “What do you want from me? You want me to admit that I’m not as good as Raven?” I could tell by her tone of voice that my mother was on the brink of having another one of her classic “Get off my back” episodes. I was trying to listen in so hard that I got startled when I saw Maya’s friend Keysha coming up the stairs.

“Excuse me,” she said as if she was royalty and I was some annoying peasant.

“Do you have a problem with saying hello first?” I asked.

Keysha snickered at me. “I am not the one,” she said, stepping past me.

I flipped up my middle finger behind her back before leaning back over the banister to eavesdrop again. I couldn’t hear very much, so I just stood there, wondering what would happen next.

Eventually, my mom came looking for me. When she saw me standing on the stairs, she asked me to come take a walk with her. We went out into the backyard and stood under the shade of a tree.

“Look, you’re going to have to stay with your aunt Raven a little while longer,” she began explaining.

“Are you leaving me again?” My voice was edgy.

“It’s not so bad here,” my mother said defensively.

“I don’t want to live here. I want to live with you in our own house. I want to sleep in my own bedroom.”

“And you will someday,” she said.

“Someday? What do you mean, someday? Are you about to run off with that jerk and just leave me here?” My emotions were swaying between anger and disbelief.

“Look, do you think this is easy for me? Everything changed after your father died. It’s hard for me to find another man like him. I am the most honest, caring and loving woman in the world, but sometimes I feel like I will never find another man like your father. I’m getting old, Viviana, and it’s not easy for a woman like me. Martin is the best I can do right now, and I’m not about to give him up. Not for you, not for Raven, no one. Do you understand me?”

“So, you’re choosing him over me?” I asked as I smeared away an angry tear that was dripping from my left eye.

“I didn’t say that. I said you have to stay here a little longer so that Martin and I can build a life for ourselves. Don’t you want to see me happy again? It’s not like I’m not including you. I’m just telling you that you have to wait.”

“I feel like I’ve been waiting all of my life, Mom,” I said as more tears began flowing.

“Oh, stop being such a crybaby. You’re not a sappy girl. You’re tough, and you need to stop acting like you’re a victim. I’ve never once left you in a bad place. I’ve never left you in a shelter or homeless on the street. I’ve always made sure that you were staying in places much nicer than I could provide for you, and you want to try and make me feel bad because it? What the hell, Viviana?” My mother was now yelling at me.

Feeling the need to match her anger, I said, “You’re my mother! You’re supposed to take care of me.”

“Excuse me.” Aunt Raven came outside. “Why don’t you two come in here and have that discussion? I don’t want you to disturb my neighbors.”

“What? Are you embarrassed by me, Raven?” my mother snapped at her. A few minutes ago my mom seemed reasonable, but now it was as if no matter how polite Aunt Raven was to her, she saw everything she said as a personal attack on her.

“No, but you do need to lower your voice,” said Aunt Raven. My mother gave her sister a nasty look before turning her attention back to me.

“Look. It is what it is, okay? You just have to do what you’ve got to do until Martin and I get settled in.” She wasn’t about to alter her decision.

“Hey, darling, are you about set to hit the road?” asked Martin, who’d walked outside.

Aunt Raven cut her eyes at him before stepping back inside.

“Yeah. She didn’t give me any money, so we’ll have to think of something else,” said my mom as he moved toward the vehicle. She turned to me again. “Like I said, it is what it is. I’m practically leaving you at a vacation hot spot. You have food, a roof over your head, and you’re not with strangers. I’ll call when I get a chance.”

My mother kissed me on the forehead and walked toward Martin, who was standing next to his pickup truck, waiting for her. Once my mother was in the truck, he fired up the motor, which roared louder than the horn of a freight train. A cloud of blue smoke exited the exhaust pipe and billowed through the air. Martin backed the truck out of the driveway and into the street. Before long, he and my mother were gone. Even though I’d stopped crying and gotten my emotions in check, I felt very numb.

My mother didn’t know or seem to care about how hard it was for me. It wasn’t easy to be around Maya and wish that I was her. I wanted a mother and father. I wanted to live in a nice house and have friends to hang out with. I wanted to wear expensive clothes, have a cute boyfriend and not have to worry about anything. She just didn’t seem to understand that although I was staying with family, it was by no means easy.

I went back inside the house and headed toward Anna’s room. As I walked through the kitchen, Aunt Raven stopped me.

“Viviana, honey. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

I swallowed down my feelings and held my chin up. “No. I’m cool.”

Seemingly satisfied with my brief answer, Aunt Raven said, “Okay.”

When I entered Anna’s room, she was sitting on the floor, painting her toenails green.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Nothing. Just waiting for the results of a lie detector test,” Anna said.

“Lie detector test?” The words rushed out of my mouth.

“Yeah, I’m not sure which show it is, but this guy who is nineteen has been cheating on his girlfriend who is seventeen,” Anna said as she focused on painting her pinkie toe. “Can you turn up the volume? The television remote is right there.” Anna pointed to the floor beside her. I picked up the remote and turned up the sound when the show came back on.

“What’s going on with this chick?” I asked, noticing this girl who was wearing an incredibly ugly dress and a bad wig.

“She’s pregnant for a second time by her boyfriend. She already has a six-month-old son,” Anna explained.

“Why would anyone want to date her? She isn’t even cute,” I said.

“I don’t know, but her boyfriend is hot. Anyway, she says that she loves him and wants him to be a father to their children,” Anna said.

“Oh, he is cute,” I said when I saw the ugly girl’s boyfriend come onto the stage. “Hopefully the babies will turn out looking like him,” I said, laughing. Anna found my comment just as humorous. The talk show host asked the boyfriend if he’d ever beaten up his girlfriend. He answered, “Yeah. She tries to put her hands on me, and I have to defend myself.” The boyfriend was making gestures with his hands.