An Amish Family Christmas: Heart of Christmas / A Plain Holiday

As for the rest... Well, Toby had changed, of course. Maybe men changed more between twenty and thirty than women did. Toby seemed taller, broader, even more substantial in a way. He looked as if it would take a lot to move him.

His hair, always the glossy brown of horse chestnuts, might be a shade darker, but she’d guess it still had glints of bronze in the sun. His eyes were a deep, deep blue, but there were tiny lines at the corners of them now, no doubt because of the difficult time he’d been through with his wife’s death. His curly dark beard hid his chin, but she had no doubt it was as stubborn as ever.

Realizing she was studying his face too long, Susannah said, “Tell me a little about your young ones. Have they had a difficult time adjusting to their mammi’s death?”

Toby nodded. He perched on one of the first grader’s desks, looking like a giant amid the child-size furniture. “It hasn’t been easy. It’s been over a year, you know. I suppose I thought her loss would become less hurtful for them after a time, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.”

“I’m sorry.” Her heart ached at his obvious pain. Poor children. Poor Toby, trying to deal with them and cope with his own grief, as well. “There isn’t any timetable for grief, I’m afraid. For a child to lose his or her mother is devastating.”

“It is.” He rubbed the back of his neck in a gesture so familiar that it made her heart lurch. “I feel like a pretty poor substitute for Emma in their eyes.”

“They need you to be their father, not their mother,” she said gently. “Was your wife’s family not able to help?”

Toby hunched his shoulders. “They had moved to Colorado to help start a new settlement before Emma became sick. Her mother came for a time, but I can’t say it helped a lot. She was so sad herself that it seemed to make the pain even worse for the kinder.”

“So that’s why you decided to come back home.” It was growing easier to talk to him with every word. Soon it wouldn’t bother her at all, and she could treat Toby just as she would any other friend of her childhood.

“That’s so. I knew I needed more help, and my folks kept urging me to come. Then Daad’s accident seemed to make it more crucial.” Toby shifted a little, maybe finding the small desk not well suited for sitting on. His black jacket swung open, showing the dark blue shirt he wore, which nearly matched his eyes. “Daad has always wanted me to work with him in the carriage-building business.” He abruptly stopped speaking, leaving Susannah to think there was more to his decision than he’d admitted.

“Is that what you want, too?”

Toby’s face lit up. “More than anything. Working with Daad was always the future I’d planned for myself, before I...left.”

Susannah had been so wrapped up in her own loss ten years ago that she’d never thought about what Toby had given up when he’d run away from their impending wedding.

“Well, it’s gut that you can join him now.” She forced a cheerful note into her voice. “Especially since he’s laid up. Although I don’t suppose he’s as busy in the winter, anyway, is he?”

“No. Daad says if he had to fall out of the hayloft, he picked the best time to do it. He’d intended to keep working over the winter, but all he’s been able to do is supervise some repairs with Ben doing the work. And constantly criticizing, according to Ben.” He chuckled.

Ben, Toby’s younger brother, had been one of Susannah’s scholars only a few years ago.

Susannah hesitated, but there was a question she wanted answered, and since they were talking so freely, maybe it was best just to get it out.

“I hope you didn’t delay your return all this time because of what happened between us.” That was as close as she could come to asking him outright.

Toby’s eyes widened. “No, Susannah. Please don’t think so. The truth is that Emma didn’t want to move away from her family and the community she’d always known.” He shrugged. “I didn’t much like working in a factory, but I couldn’t bear to tear her away from her family.”

No, she could imagine that Toby hadn’t been well suited to factory work. He’d always wanted to do things his own way and at his own pace. “You made the best decisions you could, I’m sure.”

Toby’s face tightened, and she had a sense of things unsaid. “Well, I’m here now, anyway. I thought Ben might resent me joining the business, but he seems wonderful glad to have someone else for Daad to blame when things go wrong.” His face relaxed in a grin. “Daad’s a little testy since he can’t do things on his own.”

“I’m sure. Your mamm mentioned that she had her hands full with him.”

“That she does. I’m afraid it’s an added burden, me returning with the two kinder. But I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Ach, don’t think that way.” She nearly reached out to him in sympathy but drew back just in time. She couldn’t let herself get too close to Toby, for both their sakes. “You know your parents want nothing more than to have you and their grandchildren with them. Your mamm is always talking about the two of them.”

“She may not be so happy when she realizes what she’s got herself into.” He stared down at his hands, knotted into fists against his black broadfall trousers. “The truth is, William and Anna are both...difficult.”

Susannah had the sense that this was what Toby had been trying to say since the kinder had left the room, and she murmured a silent prayer for the right words.

“Difficult how?” She tried to smile reassuringly. “You don’t need to be afraid to confide in me, Toby. Anything you tell me about the kinder is private, and as their teacher, I can help them best if I understand what’s happening with them.”

He nodded, exhaling a long breath. “I know I can trust you, Susannah.” A fleeting smile crossed his face, then was gone. “I always could.”

No doubt he was remembering all the times she hadn’t told on him when he’d been up to mischief. “Just tell me what troubles you about them,” she said.

“My little Anna,” he began. “Well, you saw how she is. So shy she hardly ever says a word. She was never as outgoing as William, but she used to chirp along like a little bird when it was just the family. Now she scarcely talks even to me.”

Susannah’s heart twisted at his obvious pain. “Is it just since her mammi died?”

He nodded. “That’s when I started noticing it, anyway. She hasn’t even warmed up to her grossmammi yet, and I know that hurts my mother.”

“She’ll be patient,” Susannah said, knowing Sara Unger would do anything for her grandchildren. “What about William? He’s not suffering from shyness, I’d say.”

“No.” Toby didn’t smile at her comment. If anything, he looked even more worried. “William has been a problem in another way.” He hesitated, making her realize how difficult it was for him to talk about his children to her. “William has been getting up to mischief.”

“Well, he probably takes after his father. You shouldn’t—”

He shook his head, stopping her. “I’m not talking about the kind of pranks I used to play. I’m talking about serious things. Things where he could have been badly hurt.” He paled. “He tried to ride bareback on a young colt that was hardly broken to harness. He challenged one of the other boys to jump from the barn window, and it’s a wonder he wasn’t hurt.” Toby’s jaw tightened. “He started a fire in the shed. If I hadn’t seen the smoke—” He broke off abruptly.

Susannah’s thoughts were reeling, but she knew she had to reassure him somehow. Say something that would show she was on his side.

“I’m so sorry, Toby.” Her heart was in the words. “But you mustn’t despair. William is young, and he’s acting out his pain over his mother in the only way he can think of. This is going to get better.”

“I want to believe that.” The bleakness in his expression told her he didn’t quite mean what he said.

“There’s a way to reach William, I promise you. I’ll do everything I can to help him. To help both of them.”

Wanting only to ease the pain she read in Toby’s face, she reached out to clasp his hand. The instant they touched, she knew she’d made a mistake.

Their eyes met with a sudden, startled awareness. His seemed to darken, and Susannah felt her breath catch in her throat. For a long moment, they were motionless, hands clasped, gazes intertwined.

And then he let go of her hand as abruptly as if he’d touched a hot stove. He cleared his throat. “Denke, Susannah.” His voice had roughened. “I knew the kinder could count on you for help.”

She clasped her hands together tightly, feeling as if she’d forgotten how to breathe. “That’s why I’m here,” she said. She managed a bland smile and retreated behind her desk.

Toby rose, and for the life of her, she couldn’t think of anything else to say. But one thing had become very clear to her.

She wasn’t over Toby Unger at all, and somehow, she was going to have to learn to deal with it.

* * *

Toby sat at the kitchen table by lamplight with Daad while Mamm put dishes away. He felt as if he’d jumped backward in time. He and Daad used to sit like this in the evening when the chores were done, hearing the life of the household go on around them while Daad planned out their next day’s work.

The two sisters who’d come after him were married now, with families of their own, but his youngest sister, Sally, was upstairs putting William and Anna to bed for him. Sixteen, and just starting her rumspringa years, Sally had developed into a beauty, but she didn’t seem aware of it. Maybe she thought it was natural to have all the boys flocking around her the way they did. It didn’t turn her head, at any rate. She was sweet and loving with his children—an unexpected blessing upon his return.

And Susannah? Would she be a blessing, as well? He still felt that jolt of surprise he’d experienced when their eyes first met. How could he still feel an attraction for the woman he’d jilted ten years ago?

Mamm leaned across him to pour a little more coffee into Daad’s cup. “Did you have a chance to talk to Susannah today about the kinder?”

He nodded. He had to keep his mind on his children. Any flicker of attraction he felt for Susannah was surely just a result of seeing someone again he’d once been so close to.

“It wasn’t easy to tell her,” he admitted. “But I figured she needed to know about my worries if she’s going to be their teacher.”

“You don’t need to worry about Susannah. She’s not one to go blabbing about private things.” Daad’s voice was a low bass rumble. He shifted position on the chair, and Toby suspected the heavy cast on his leg was troubling him.

“She’s a fine teacher,” Mamm said warmly. “Look how patient she was with that boy of Harley Esch’s when he had trouble learning. And now he’s reading just as well as can be, his mamm told me. She can’t say enough about Teacher Susannah.”

“I’m glad to know it. I hope she does as well with William and Anna.” Toby raised his gaze to the ceiling, hoping that William wasn’t upstairs giving his young aunt any trouble.

“Ach, you’re worrying too much.” His mother patted his shoulder, fondly letting her hand rest there. “You’ll see. Just being here with family is going to do them a world of good. And Susannah will help them, too.”

Toby nodded, smiling, and wished he could share her confidence. The thing he couldn’t talk about, never even thought about if he could help it, reared its ugly head.

If he hadn’t rushed into marriage with Emma, if he had been a better husband, if he had been able to love her as much as he should have...

Once started, that train of thought could go on and on. He had to stop before the burden of guilt grew too heavy to carry.

“We’ve been fortunate to have Susannah settle in and teach for over ten years,” Mamm said. “It’s not often that a teacher stays so long. Usually just when they have experience, they up and get married—” She stopped abruptly, maybe thinking she was getting into rocky territory.

Was he the reason Susannah had never married? If so, he’d done even more harm than he’d known.

“I hear James Keim is saying she’s been there too long,” Daad commented, stretching his good leg.

Toby frowned. “Who is James Keim, and why would he be saying something like that?”

“Ach, I’m sure he means no harm,” Mamm said quickly. “He and his family moved here from Ohio a couple of years ago, and he’s certain sure interested in the school. He was even willing to serve on the school board.”

That didn’t really answer his question. “Why would he say something negative about Susannah?”

“Well, now, we don’t know for sure that he did,” Daad said in his calm way. He sent a quelling glance toward Mamm. “It was gossip, when all’s said and done. But supposedly he thinks the school would be better off with a new, young teacher, someone closer to the students in age.”

“That’s nonsense.” Toby’s tone was so sharp that both his parents looked at him. He shrugged. “I mean, it seems silly to think of getting rid of a good teacher for a reason like that. Like Mamm said, the more experience a teacher has, the better.”

Toby wondered to himself, where had that come from, that protective surge of feeling for Susannah? And more important, what was he going to do about it?

Chapter Three

When Susannah took her scholars outside for recess, she had a moment to assess William and Anna’s first day of school. It would be hard to forget, since Anna was still clinging firmly to her skirt.

Normally, Susannah might opt to stay inside during recess and prepare for the next class, but her helper today was Mary Keim, and she suspected Mary wasn’t ready to be left alone with the kinder yet. She studied the girl’s face for a moment, searching for some sign that Mary actually wanted to be helping at the school. She couldn’t find one. Mary stood pressed against the stair railing, not venturing toward the swings and seesaws, which occupied most of the children. She seemed afraid to move.

Susannah bit back a wave of exasperation. She rather expected this withdrawal from shy little Anna on her first day at a new school. She would think that sixteen-year-old Mary might have a bit more confidence.

“You don’t need to stay here with me, Mary. Why don’t you play catch with the older children? Or you can push some of the young ones on the swings.”

Mary showed the whites of her eyes like a frightened horse. “I...I’ll try,” she said and walked slowly toward the swings.

No, not a horse, Susannah decided, watching the girl’s tentative approach to the smaller children. Mary was more like a little gray mouse, with her pale face, pointed chin and anxious, wary eyes. She feared making a mistake, Susannah decided, and so she took refuge in doing nothing. If her father thought a few weeks as the teacher’s assistant was going to turn the girl into a teacher, he was mistaken.

Well, parents were often the last to realize what their children were best suited for. She’d certainly seen that often enough as a teacher. But she had more immediate problems to deal with than Mary Keim’s future.

Sinking onto the step, Susannah drew Anna down next to her. “You did very well with your reading this morning, Anna. Do you like to read?”

The child nodded, her blue eyes showing a flicker of interest, but she didn’t speak.

“I’d guess somebody reads stories to you before you go to bed at night. Am I right?”

Again a nod, this time accompanied by a slight smile.

“Let’s see if I can guess who. Is it Daadi?”

A shake of the head answered her.

“Grossmammi?”

“Sometimes.” The word came in a tiny whisper.

“Who else, besides Grossmammi?” Why wasn’t Toby doing it? Was he that busy with the carriage business at this time of the year? Maybe he considered that a woman’s job, but...

“Aunt Sally likes to read stories.”

That was the longest sentence she’d gotten from the child, and Susannah rejoiced.

“I know your aunt Sally. Once she was one of my scholars, just as you are. She liked to read then, too.”

Anna’s small face lit up. “She makes all the noises in the story when she reads.”

Susannah couldn’t help chuckling. “She did that in school, too. Do you giggle when she does it?”

And there it was—an actual smile as Anna nodded. Susannah put her arm around the child and hugged her close. All Anna needed was a little time, patience and encouragement. She would—

A sudden shout jolted Susannah out of her thoughts. She turned her head, her gaze scanning the schoolyard for trouble. And found it. Two boys were engaged in a pushing match, and even as she ran toward them, she realized that the smaller one was William.

“Stoppe, schnell,” she commanded in the tone that never failed to corral her students’ attention. It didn’t fail now. Both William and Seth Stoltzfus, a sixth grader with a quick temper, jerked around to face her.

“This is not acceptable. Into the schoolroom. Now. Both of you.” With a hand on each one’s shoulder, she marched them toward the school.

Mary stood watching, openmouthed.

“Mary, you are in charge on the playground until I ring the bell. Try to get Anna to go on the swings with the twins, please.”

Mary nodded and scurried to do her bidding, and Susannah sent up a quick prayer for guidance. After what Toby had confided to her, she’d expected trouble with William, but she hadn’t thought it would flare up so quickly.

“Now then.” Leaving them standing in front of her desk, she took her place behind it. “What did you think you were doing?”

“He started it,” Seth said quickly.

“Did not,” William retorted. “He did.”

“Did n—”

“Stop.” She halted the repetition of blame. “Were you arguing over the baseball?” Some of the older boys had been tossing it around before the trouble started.

Seth nodded. “It went toward him, and he wouldn’t give it back.”

“I was going to throw it.” William glared belligerently. “You didn’t need to grab.”

“So, you were both wrong,” she said. “That is not how we settle disputes in our school. You know that. You’ll both stay after school and wash the boards for me today.” She knew that would make an impact. While the girls vied for the opportunity to clean the chalkboards, the boys hated the job. For some reason she didn’t understand, they’d decided it was unmanly.

“Yah, Teacher Susannah.” Seth edged backward, and when she didn’t say anything more, he hurried back to his interrupted recess.

William took a few steps, his expression hostile, then stopped. “Are you going to tell my daadi?”

Susannah’s heart softened. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

The expression that swept across his face couldn’t be missed. Disappointment. Why was the boy disappointed? Relief would be more natural, wouldn’t it?

Jaw set, William turned away, contriving to knock the books off the nearest desk as he did so.

“Perhaps I should ask your father to come in,” she said, watching for his reaction.

William shrugged. “He can’t. He’s busy working all the time.”

Susannah surveyed the boy thoughtfully. That surely wasn’t true, but she had a feeling William thought it was. Possibly this attitude was a hangover from what must have been very difficult times. Toby had been working in a factory, he’d said, so he wouldn’t have been able to take time off during the day very often.

Most Amish, if they could manage it, preferred to farm or run a home-based business so that the family could work together. Toby apparently hadn’t had that choice, and with a sick wife and no relatives close at hand, he’d probably had little time for anything else.

“It might be different here,” she suggested, concerned that she might be venturing too far into personal territory.

William shook his head, pressing his lips together. “Can I go?”

She nodded, feeling helpless, and watched him leave the room with a swagger probably designed to tell anyone who saw him that he didn’t care about getting into trouble with the teacher.

She really didn’t want to have any further private conversations with Toby, but she was afraid she’d have to.

The opportunity arose when Toby came to pick up his children from school. After a look at his son, busily washing the chalkboards, he walked out of the schoolhouse and approached Susannah where she stood on the steps, waving goodbye to her scholars.

“I take it William is in trouble already.” He stood at the top of the steps, looking down at her.

Susannah went up a step. Toby had quite enough of a height advantage on her already, without adding any more. “I’m afraid so.”

He looked as if he was bracing himself for the news. “How bad?”

“Not bad at all.” She smiled to lessen the sting he was undoubtedly feeling. No parent wanted to hear that his child hadn’t behaved properly. “I thought a session of washing the boards together might be good for both Seth and William.”

Toby put one hand on the porch post, looking as if he’d like to pull it loose and throw it. “Fighting?”

“Just pushing each other. There’s no need for you to say anything more to him. I can deal with what happens at my school.”

“I’m sure you can.” His glance held a hint of surprise. “You’ve changed, Susannah.”

“I’ve grown up,” she corrected. “We both have.”

He blew out a sigh. “I don’t know. Grown-ups are supposed to have the answers, aren’t they? I don’t seem to have any.”

“No one does. We just muddle along and do our best to live as God wants.”

She’d had every intention of keeping her conversations with him cool and impersonal, and here they were, talking like old friends again. Like people who’d known each other so long that they barely needed to use words.

“What can I do, Susannah?” He was looking at her, his eyes so honest and pleading that she knew she had to help him, no matter the risk to her heart.

“I’ve been giving it some thought,” she said carefully. “It seems to me that Anna just needs a bit of time and patience to ease her transition to her new life. As for William...” She had to proceed slowly. She didn’t want to add to Toby’s burdens, but he seemed to be the key to the boy’s difficulties. “Perhaps if you could spend more time with him—”

“Do you think I don’t know that I’m to blame?” The quick flash of anger seemed to be directed more at himself than at her. “That’s the main reason I moved back here. I want William to have the kind of relationship with me that I had with my daad, working together, enjoying each other....” His voice trailed off.

“I know,” she said softly. “I thought perhaps if you volunteered to help with the Christmas program, it would be a start. William could work with you building the props and getting the classroom ready. And Anna would find reassurance in having you close at hand during part of her school day.”

And what would she find in having Toby in her classroom, seeing him often, trying to manage her rebellious heart?

But Toby’s face had already brightened at her suggestion. “That’s a fine idea, Susannah. If you’re sure you can stand having me around so much, that is.”

She couldn’t force a smile no matter how hard she tried, but she nodded. “Gut. That’s settled, then. We’ll start work on the program on Monday afternoon.”

“I’ll be here,” he said. He started to turn toward the classroom and his kinder, and then stopped, looking into her face. “You’re a kind person, Susannah. I won’t forget this.”

His fingers brushed her hand, and awareness shimmered across her skin. No. She wouldn’t forget, either.