The Heart of Grace

She picked it up, taking aim in his direction. Eyes narrowed, she said, “Don’t tempt me.”

His mouth twitched. Mixed with Larissa’s grace and class was a good dose of spunk. Sooner or later, she’d get her fill of him.

“If I’m such a pain, send me to rehab. Get me out of here.”

“We’ve had this argument.” There was that annoying calm again. “You want to be here. You’re just too stubborn to admit I was right. The home health nurses are doing a great job, as is the physical therapist.”

So was Larissa.

“None of this changes the inevitable. I want out. You might as well cut me loose now and save us both the stress.”

He hadn’t planned to blurt that out, but the subject was on his mind most of the time anyway. The longer he stayed here, soaking up her kindness, the more restless he became. He was terrified of falling back into the habit of thinking of this place as his home. It wasn’t. It was her house. Her town. Her everything. She deserved it. She belonged. He didn’t.

Brocade pillow cradled like a protective shield between them, she refused to rise to the bait. “You need to get well. That’s the only thing that matters right now. The rest can wait.”

“So, you’re saying, as soon as I’m well, you’ll agree to divorce.”

“That’s not what I said.” Distress twisted her face. He’d finally upset her. As a result, he felt lower than pond scum.

“Look, Larissa. I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. I’m just being honest.” Sort of. He honestly wanted to convince the woman he loved that he didn’t love her. How messed up was that? “I wasn’t cut out for the married life. You knew it when you first laid eyes on me.”

“But I fell in love with you anyway.” She came to his bedside and laid a hand on his cheek. Her face softened and grew sad. “You once loved me, too. What happened?”

All it took was one touch from her, and he shuddered like a pathetic puppy. He tried to shrink into the mattress, anything to escape her sweetness. “Give me a break.”

“Someone in Iraq did that already.” She smiled and stepped back.

Resisting the smile, he deepened his scowl. “Not funny.”

“The doctors say depression is natural after trauma this severe. We can call in a counselor if you’d like.”

No thanks to that one. He’d had his head shrunk plenty as a teenager, and the results had never been pretty. “I’m not depressed.”

“That’s why you’re so cranky.”

“I’m cranky because you won’t discuss our situation rationally.”

She blinked once, then glanced out the window, teeth sawing back and forth on her bottom lip. When she brought her attention back to him, she looked resigned.

“All right then. Let’s discuss this. I can’t even begin to understand what happened, Drew. The last time you were home, things were fine.”

“No, they weren’t. Things have never been fine. I’m gone all the time. I won’t give you a family. Never.” He emphasized that part. “I don’t fit in your world. Your parents have fought us from the beginning. The pressure from them is killing you. You’re miserable. Why can’t you admit it and let go? We made a mistake. Let’s fix it and move on.”

“My parents make me unhappy. You never have.”

Nothing like skirting the rest of the issues. “Until now.”

She tilted her head in agreement. “Every marriage has ups and downs. If you’d only tell me what’s wrong, we can get counseling. We can pray about it. We can talk it out. Work with me, Drew. We’re worth it.”

He hardened his heart against the sweet words. “You’re a great lady, Larissa. You deserve a husband to love you and give you everything you want.” Kids. “But that guy is not me.”

“You could be.”

He squeezed his eyes shut against the sorrow in her beautiful eyes. Through gritted teeth, he said, “I don’t want to be. Now leave me alone.”

Larissa didn’t answer, and he could feel the hurt wafting off her like heat off sheet metal. After a few long, tense seconds, he heard soft footsteps leave the room.

Larissa fought anger for half an hour. Why was she putting herself through this? She should have sent him to a rehab the way he’d wanted. He was impossible. She must be out of her mind to think forcing him to stay here would make him love her again.

She took out a can of chunked chicken and thumped it onto the granite countertop. Tags jingling, Coco danced around her feet. The little Yorkie was great company, but the companionable dog wasn’t Drew. Larissa wanted her husband with her all the time. She wanted a family. She wanted Drew.

“Help me know what to do, Lord. I’m so confused.” Divorce was not scriptural but how long was a Christian supposed to keep trying when her husband didn’t love her anymore?

Despair tugged like lead weight, but she fought away the feeling. The truth was, she’d keep trying as long as she could keep Drew in Tulsa. As awful as it sounded, she was almost thankful for his injuries. Otherwise, she might never have had this chance to make things right.

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