Undressed by the Rebel

Paralysed by the kaleidoscope happening inside her head, Ellie focused on those intent dark eyes above her.

‘You’re in the intensive care unit,’ the voice said calmly. ‘You’ve been pretty sick for a couple of days but you’re going to be all right. You’re off the ventilator now and your lungs are doing well. So are your kidneys. How’s your throat? It’s probably a bit sore after having a tube in it for so long.’

There was a frown in those eyes now. He was worried about something. Her? That was nice. Ellie liked that she was important enough for him to be worried about her. Maybe he’d smile at her again.

‘I’m Max—remember? You came to the apartment to find Sarah but she wasn’t there. And then you got into trouble. You went into labour and—’

Ellie could feel her eyes widening. Her skin was prickling as though the blanket the voice had provided was being stripped off, leaving her exposed to the elements. The sense of safety was gone, too. She could feel the fear of that awful forest place crowding around her. Something was happening in her brain. An almost painful series of jolts as pieces fell into place.

Sarah. Marcus. Her baby…

‘She’s fine,’ Max said softly. ‘See?’

His head tilted and Ellie’s gaze followed the downward trajectory of his. Down his body to where his arms were cradling something. She couldn’t see what it was until Max tipped forward and there, nestled in blankets, was a tiny face. A sleeping, newborn baby.

‘Oh…’ The sound forced its way past her sore, dry throat. ‘Is that…?’

She knew it was. She could feel it but she needed to be told as well. To make sure she wasn’t dreaming.

‘Sure is,’ Max said. ‘This is your daughter, Ellie. Would you like to hold her?’

Ellie nodded. She couldn’t say anything because her already tight throat was now entirely choked by tears. She could feel them rolling down her face as Max carefully placed the baby on her chest and then helped her move her arms to cradle the infant. He pushed IV tubing attached to her arm to one side and then he looked up, past Ellie.

‘Could you grab an extra pillow or two?’ he asked someone. ‘Let’s try and prop Ellie up a bit more.’

Her arms felt so weak Ellie was frightened she’d let go but Max seemed to understand because he kept his hands on top, supporting her. A nurse came and tucked another pillow beneath her shoulders and an extra one under her head. A rush of dizziness faded and Ellie found she could blink her tears away and actually see her baby properly for the first time.

Her eyes were still closed, a fan of dark lashes sitting on each cheek like butterflies. A tiny button of a nose and a mouth pursed into a perfect cupid’s bow.

‘Isn’t she beautiful?’

There was a note of wonder in his voice and something more. Something that was enough to make Ellie lift her gaze for an instant but Max was intent on the tiny face in her arms and he didn’t look up so she couldn’t get any clue to that confusing undertone.

She didn’t have the energy to try and understand. Didn’t even have the inclination to try because there was something far more important to think about. Something so wonderful that really it was no surprise that Max seemed to share what she couldn’t begin to put into words.

This was her baby.

Her daughter. It was a girl and she was—

‘Is she—?’ Ellie’s voice caught. Suddenly, she was too scared to ask.

‘She’s perfect.’ Max sounded…good grief…proud? ‘Ten little fingers, ten little toes. She’s feeding well. Fifty grams up on two days ago.’

‘What…?’ Again, this was disturbing enough to make her stop feasting her eyes on the perfect features of her baby. ‘My God…how long…?’

‘Have you been in here?’ Max looked up this time and there was sympathy in his eyes as he completed her horrified question. ‘Three days, Ellie. This little button was born at seven minutes past six on Sunday.’

It was too much to take in. Ellie could have accepted feeling like this if she’d been coming round from, say, a general anaesthetic for an emergency Caesarean but her precious baby had been in the world for three whole days without her mother’s knowledge, let alone her care and protection.

Panic was edging closer and Ellie found she was struggling to take a breath. She had to take in enough air to warn Max. To demand that they let her out of this bed so that she could be with her baby and take care of her. Or at least for them to bring the baby in here so that she could watch over her. Every second of every hour.

‘Ellie.’

The tone was firm enough for her to realise this wasn’t the first time he’d said her name. ‘Listen to me.’

The words were a command but were delivered in what was virtually a whisper. What Max was about to say was imperative.

And private.

Gulping like a stranded fish, Ellie blinked frightened tears into submission and fixed her gaze on Max. He took a quick look around them and then back at her.

‘Remember how I told Marcus I was the baby’s father and it made him go away?’

Ellie managed a nod.

‘Well, I told them that here too and everyone believes it.’

That’s what it had been, Ellie realised. That odd note in his voice. The way he’d been holding this tiny baby. He had looked and sounded for all the world like a besotted new father.

So he had been acting? To protect them?

Ellie blinked again, this time in bewilderment. He was either an incredibly good actor or her brain wasn’t functioning at anywhere near normal levels of acuity. No, it had to be acting if everyone else believed it as well.

‘There’s more.’ Max leaned closer. He could have been admiring the baby and he even used the tip of his middle finger to stroke the infant’s cheek gently but his intention seemed to have been to put his mouth close enough to Ellie’s ear to ensure that no one overheard.

‘I didn’t give them your real name,’ he told her. ‘And…um…I wasn’t thinking too straight at the time so I told them…’

He sounded almost embarrassed, Ellie thought. What kind of weird name had he come up with?

‘I told them that your surname was McAdam.’

Nothing wrong with that, Ellie decided with relief. It was a perfectly nice name.

‘OK,’ she whispered.

There was a moment’s silence. Ellie could feel how still Max was. So still she was only aware of the tiny movements in her arms as her baby breathed and stirred slightly in slumber. She was used to the feel of those tiny limbs moving. It was like she’d lost part of herself but had found it again only now the movements were on the outside, instead of safely enclosed in her womb.

Max was still quiet. He seemed to be waiting for something. A breath audible enough to be a sigh escaped his lips.

‘That’s my name, Ellie.’

‘Oh…’ Well, that was OK, too. She didn’t mind borrowing his name for a little while. As long as he didn’t mind. But maybe he did. The continued silence was starting to feel uncomfortable.

‘I…ah…told them we were married,’ Max said, so softly Ellie was sure she hadn’t heard correctly.

She could remember what had happened at the apartment. That he’d claimed he was the baby’s father and that he and his fellow dark angels had made sure Marcus had gone away and that she was safe.

And he’d obviously kept up the charade in order to keep protecting her when she had been totally helpless, presumably in the emergency department of whatever this hospital was. He’d even gone an extra mile in giving her a new name so Marcus wouldn’t be alerted to where she now was. Not just any name, either. He’d loaned her his own, along with the additional protection of allowing people to think she was his wife.

His wife.

Ellie took another look at this extraordinary man. He was a hero, no doubt about that. Maybe he wasn’t wearing his motorbike leathers right now and he looked tired and unshaven but he was still absolutely gorgeous. And he was capable of bestowing the most beautiful smiles in the world.

The woman who would be his real wife one day was the luckiest woman in the world. She just didn’t know it yet.

Gratitude for all that he’d done for her was filling Ellie’s heart. Competing—no, meshing with the overwhelming love she already had for the tiny person she still held in her arms. It was all too much and it seemed to be getting hard to breathe again. So hard, it was utterly exhausting.

A pinging sound came from somewhere above her head and then there was the sound of footsteps approaching rapidly.

‘Oxygen saturation level’s way down,’ a nurse observed. The alarm was silenced.

‘Hardly surprising. First time she’s been awake and it’s been an emotional reunion for these two.’

‘Of course it has. But I need to put some oxygen on and she needs to rest. I think you’ll have to take baby back to the PICU, Dr McAdam.’

‘No.’ The word was ripped out of Ellie in a gasp.

‘Just for a while, Ellie.’ Max’s hands were moving under her arms already, preparing to lift the precious bundle. He was still bent over her. ‘She’s being taken good care of, I promise.’ His mouth was so close Ellie could see every nuance of the words being made. ‘She’s safe, Ellie. Believe it and rest. We both want you to rest and get better.’

‘Of course you do.’ The nurse had a smile in her voice. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of Mrs McAdam for you.’

Mrs McAdam?

This was a dream. Or maybe a nightmare, Ellie decided as Max took her daughter from her arms. But then he leaned in and kissed her. Softly, on her lips, and Ellie found her eyes drifting shut. This was most definitely a dream.

‘Sleep well, darling,’ he said clearly. ‘I’ll be back very soon.’

This time when Ellie woke her eyes snapped open and focused instantly. The wave of disappointment at finding the space beside her bed empty was enough to make her cry out.

‘What’s wrong?’ The nurse was on the other side of the bed and Ellie could see a cotton bud in her hand as she turned her head. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you but your lips were looking so dry and uncomfortable.’

‘Where are they?’ Ellie knew she sounded frightened but she was, dammit. She was alone apart from a nurse she didn’t recognise. Was her baby alone too? Feeling unprotected and vulnerable?

‘It’s two a.m., Ellie,’ the nurse said kindly. ‘They’ll be asleep. I expect your baby is safely tucked up in her crib and that Max is sprawled in the armchair beside her.’ Her voice took on a wistful note. ‘Or maybe he’s holding her right now. He won’t let anyone else feed her, you know.’

Ellie stared at the nurse. No, she didn’t know and she didn’t understand. ‘But…it’s been days,’ she said finally, her voice wobbling. ‘Days and days.’

‘I know.’ The nurse, an attractive blonde with a name tag that said ‘Tori’, took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. Then she smiled at Ellie. ‘We were all gobsmacked to hear that Max had got married secretly, but you know what’s blown everyone away even more?’

Ellie shook her head slowly. So it hadn’t been a dream. She had to pretend she was Max’s wife for the moment. Oh…Lord!

‘What an amazing father he’s turned out to be,’ Tori said. ‘He was wearing his leathers when he came in with you, do you remember?’

Ellie found herself smiling. Oh…yes…

‘I don’t think he got out of them for the next thirty-six hours. He was sitting up there in the PICU doing kangaroo care. I’ve got a friend who works in there and she said that none of them could take their eyes off him. There he was, in those mega-masculine clothes, with a newborn baby skin to skin with him on his chest. Tucked under that leather jacket. Can you imagine?’

Ellie could. She remembered that jacket. And that chest. Maybe her contact had been very brief but she would never forget how solid it had felt. How safe. There’d been layers of clothes over it, of course but, oddly, it was all too easy to imagine how it might feel skin to skin. It gave her a sharp twinge in a painful place deep down in her belly. Painful but far from unpleasant.

She went back to picturing her baby and she knew how protected she would have felt and it was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She loved Max for what he’d done for her daughter. She would never, ever be able to thank him enough.

‘He didn’t have to keep it up for so long,’ Tori continued as she poured water from a jug on the bedside table into a cup that had a built-in straw. ‘A few hours at a time would probably have been enough to get all the medical benefits for the baby but he wouldn’t leave her. He got his shifts in Emergency covered and stuff brought in from home. He’s practically moved in.’ Tori was smiling widely now. ‘Not that any of the nursing staff are complaining, mind you. Would you like a drink of water?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘Just a sip to start with. Your tummy hasn’t had anything in it for a while and I don’t want you throwing up.’

Ellie sipped the cool water and it tasted wonderful. She drew in a deep breath. And then another. It felt easier.

‘Any pain?’ Tori queried.

Ellie thought about it. That was better too. ‘I feel good…I think. Can I sit up? Or go to the loo or something?’

‘You don’t need to. You’ve still got a catheter in. I think they’re planning on taking it out tomorrow and you might be able to have a shower, even. Word is that if you stay as stable as you’ve been today, they’ll shift you out of ICU and onto the ward. The maternity ward,’ the nurse added with another smile. ‘You can have your baby right beside you. How good will that be?’

But Ellie was frowning as she remembered something Tori had said earlier. ‘Why is she in the PICU? Max said she was fine.’ Her mouth trembled. ‘He said she was p-perfect.’

‘She is,’ Tori assured her hurriedly. ‘On the small side, but there’s nothing wrong with her. She went there initially because she needed watching but now it’s more like staff privilege, I guess. It was a private space for Max to do the kangaroo thing. I think he might have been a bit embarrassed to be seen bonding with his baby like that, you know?’ She chuckled. ‘Men, eh?’

‘Mmm.’ Of course he would have been embarrassed. It wasn’t even his baby.

What on earth had made Max go this far to help her? A total stranger. He had to be the most extraordinary person she’d ever met. Never mind how lucky his future wife would be. She was the lucky one right now.

‘Would you like a bit of a wash, seeing as you’re awake? I could help you clean your teeth.’

‘That would be wonderful.’

‘And then you can catch some more sleep and when you wake up in the morning, I’ll bet your family will be back in here.’ Tori paused as she headed off for supplies. ‘Have you guys got a name for the baby yet?’

‘No…I kind of expected it would be a boy.’

A boy that she would always have worried might turn out to be like his father. But what had Max said? That her baby might be a girl and pretty, just like her mum.

Max thought she was pretty? Ellie could feel the flush of warmth in her cheeks.

‘You’re looking so much better.’ Tori sounded satisfied. ‘And there’s no rush to come up with a name. Legally, I believe you’ve got a month before she has to be registered.’ She grinned. ‘Her dad started calling her “Mouse” and everyone else is now. Mouse McAdam. Bit different, anyway.’

Yes. Different. Untraceable.

Safe.

The end was in sight.

It should be a huge relief. It was a huge relief.

‘How ‘bout that, Mouse?’ Max looked down at the bundle he was carrying in the wake of the nurse who was pushing the plastic wheeled crib. ‘You’re going to the maternity ward. Your mummy’s so much better that she’s going to be able to look after you now. How good is that?’

It was very good. Excellent, even. He would be able to go home and get a full night’s sleep. He’d be able to get back to work and he couldn’t wait for a full-on, exhausting shift in the emergency department. The last few days had been an unexpected and disturbing disruption to his life and the sooner it was back on track the better. Maybe he’d suggest a weekend bike ride to the guys. Rick might stop laughing at him, finally, for playacting being a father. Jet might stop glaring at him and muttering under his breath about how crazy he was.

They were almost there now. Ellie had been put in a private room at the end of the ward. She’d only been on her feet for the first time that morning and was so weak she’d need constant help for the next few days but the nursing staff would be there for her. It was what they were paid to do, after all, and they’d do it well because everybody fell in love with Mouse.

The weight in his arms was so familiar. The kangaroo care wasn’t needed any more, of course, but Max would never forget the feel of that tiny body against his own. Or the moments of a satisfaction like no other he’d ever experienced. Like when he’d got her to take the bottle that first time. Or when she had only stopped crying when a nurse had placed her back in his arms.

‘Here you go,’ she had said, clearly reluctant. ‘It’s her daddy she wants.’

Daddy.

Was this what it felt like to be a father? He’d known what level of responsibility it would come with. And the kind of background anxiety that something bad could happen that had led to an urge to protect that was very disruptive to say the least. It had been crazy, hadn’t it, to take time off work to guard this infant? And if he’d felt this strongly about a baby that wasn’t even his, heaven help him if he ever got one of his own. If anything, he could take this whole experience as a warning.

The baby didn’t seem to approve of being relocated. She was whimpering by the time they reached the room where Ellie was sitting, propped up on pillows. She looked pale and her long hair lay in limp, dark strands but the IV lines and the oxygen mask had gone and when she saw Max coming through the door, carrying her baby, her face lit up with a smile that made him catch his breath at its brilliance.

She held out her arms and Max handed over the bundle. He hung around, though, because Mouse was crying and, well, he might be the only one who could settle her down properly. He knew this baby better than anyone, including her mother. They might need him. Just for a bit longer.

The staff busied themselves.

‘She’s hungry,’ a nurse declared. ‘I’ll go and fix a bottle for her.’

Max nodded. She was hungry, he could recognise the cry. He couldn’t leave yet because he’d be able to help Ellie with her first feed. He was good at bottles. He knew just how Mouse liked it to be held and how far to tip it and when. How you knew it was going well because her eyes would find yours and stare at you with that intense concentration that made you feel like the most important person in the world.

‘I…I thought I’d try feeding her myself,’ Ellie said.

She must have noticed his expression because a faint blush spread over her cheeks.

‘I’m drug-free, and the midwife who came to see me this morning showed me how to express milk and she said it hasn’t dried up and there’ll be plenty once I start feeding. And if there isn’t…’ Ellie sounded a little defensive now. ‘I can top up with a bottle but it’s going to be good for both of us if I give it a try.’

‘You want some help getting her latched on?’ the nurse queried.

‘Um…I’d rather try by myself.’ Ellie ducked her head, embarrassed. ‘The midwife gave me the Don’t Panic Guide to Birth to read and it’s great. There’s a technique in it that should work just as well for a baby this long after birth as if I’d done it straight away.’

‘I’ve read that.’ The nurse nodded. ‘It’s about being skin to skin and letting the baby latch on by itself, isn’t it?’

Ellie nodded, shy but eager.

‘That’s supposed to be between the mother and baby, unassisted, but…’ The nurse was frowning. ‘Given that you’ve just come from the intensive care unit, I’m not happy leaving you entirely by yourself with baby.’

Mouse was crying in earnest now, sounding distressed, with a warbling cry Max hadn’t heard before. It was making him feel tense.

‘Maybe if the father stays,’ the nurse suggested. ‘That’s allowed, isn’t it?’

Ellie was rocking the baby. ‘Shh, shh…’ she crooned. ‘It’s all right…’

Except it wasn’t all right. Max could see his own tension in Ellie’s face and hear it in the escalating misery of the baby’s cry. Someone needed to sort this out.

‘Of course it’s allowed,’ he snapped. ‘Why wouldn’t it be? Might be a good idea if you all left us to it.’

They went, closing the door behind them. Max drew the curtains over the windows on the corridor side of the room.

‘What should I do?’

‘Nothing,’ Ellie said. She was peeling away baby blankets. ‘I need to undress…her.’ She was fumbling with the ties on the baby’s gown but then she looked up and Max could see the tears in her eyes. ‘She hasn’t even got a name,’ Ellie choked out.

‘Yes, she has.’ Max stepped closer. He knew how to take that gown off. ‘She’s Mouse. Because she’s tiny and cute and sometimes she twitches her nose. Do you need the nappy off as well?’

‘I…I don’t think so.’

‘Skin to skin, right?’

Ellie didn’t meet his eyes. ‘Mmm. I need to put her…um, Mouse, between my breasts.’

Max swallowed. ‘OK. I’ll hold her for a tick while you sort your gown.’

He was used to holding this baby when it was virtually naked. The movements of small, unfettered limbs no longer triggered alarm. He held the baby against his chest and, by some miracle, it calmed her. He could feel the rub of that tiny nose against his shirt and the high-pitched cries softened into noisy snuffles.

‘She likes you,’ Ellie said.

‘She just knows me. Maybe it’s a smell thing.’ Max was busy not looking at Ellie as she took her arms from the sleeves of her gown and pushed it down to her waist.

‘Mmm.’ Her voiced sounded oddly strangled. ‘That’s what the book said. The baby needs to see and hear you and smell and taste. I put her face down between my breasts and stroke her back and she learns my smell and then she should start moving her head around until she finds the nipple all by herself.’

‘Really?’ Max was surprised enough to look up and there was Ellie with her breasts exposed. Small and round, like the rest of her. Pale and firm looking, with a tracing of blue veins and nut-brown nipples.

Max had to swallow hard again. He shouldn’t be doing this. He really shouldn’t. He could see the same discomfort in Ellie’s eyes when he hauled his gaze away, a flush of something like guilt warming the back of his neck. For two pins he’d give her the baby and leave her to it but he couldn’t do that, could he? They wouldn’t let her do this alone and if she had a complete stranger watching, the chances of this going well might be greatly diminished.

So, instead, he smiled. ‘You look like a Madonna,’ he told her. ‘You ready?’

‘Mmm.’

Max had to position Mouse and that inevitably meant that his hands had to touch her breasts. He tried to ignore the awareness. The odd tingle it gave him deep in his gut. At least it didn’t take long and then he could step back and simply observe. Be there in case Ellie needed rescuing.

It seemed to be going well. The baby stopped even snuffling as it lay there against its mother’s skin. Ellie stroked her gently down the middle of her back and then raised her hand slowly to repeat the motion. Again and again.

So softly. Her fingers tracing a miniature spine. The movement had to be soothing.

It was certainly soothing Max.

Mouse was moving now, pulling her little legs up and then pushing them down again.

‘Do you think she needs a blanket?’ Ellie spoke in a whisper.

‘It’s pretty warm in here. See how she goes.’

The baby had looked up at the sound of Ellie’s voice.