A Precious Gift

Now…

Now as he approached the bed and looked at his wife’s body under the sheet, he realized Carrie wasn’t wearing a nightgown. Usually she did. Usually he enjoyed ridding her of it. The sight of her in the moonlit shadows, the idea of his skin touching hers, aroused him fully.

When she felt his weight on the bed, she came awake as if even in her dreams she’d been waiting for him. Her eyes opened and her hand fluttered out to touch him. It landed lightly on his chest. “I tried to stay awake. What time is it?”

“Midnight.”

“Long day,” she murmured sleepily but then came more awake and smiled at him.

The light, whispery scent of a flowery shampoo seemed to pull him closer to her. Switching off the lamp and angling on his side, he was suddenly overwhelmed by a caveman desire to make her his without gentle kisses and touches, without foreplay, with nothing but mindless need. Yet something had always kept him from doing that. Carrie’s entry into his life had made him notice starlight and sunsets and orchids growing on undeveloped land. She’d awakened a protective instinct in him as well as a primitive one.

When he slid his hand into her hair, she raised her face to his.

“Are you as excited as I am about adopting this baby?” she asked softly.

“I will be. It’s not real yet.”

“It could happen quickly.”

“Or an unwed mother could choose us early in her pregnancy, and we’d go through the whole process with her. It would take months.”

“That might be even more wonderful.”

His wife’s voice was happy with the idea, but Brian knew that that scenario carried its share of hazards. What if the mother changed her mind? What if she gave birth and kept the baby? As far as he was concerned, adoption was filled with land mines. But it was their only option now except for a surrogate, and he believed that would be even more complicated.

“You’re still not sold on adoption, are you?” Carrie’s voice caught with worry.

“I want a family, and I want it with you.” As far as he was concerned, that said it all.

Her eyes became luminous then, and he couldn’t restrain the desire to kiss her. It was hot and deep and wet, and Carrie responded to it by meeting his tongue with hers, wrapping her arms around his neck, moving her body close to his. They usually took it slower but there seemed to be a desperation in both of them tonight. Their touches, kisses and caresses were filled with a yearning he couldn’t define. When he entered her, she clung to him. Their bodies glistened as they climaxed.

When the ripples of pleasure from their lovemaking ended, Brian rolled away from Carrie, physically spent. More than physically spent. Something about their union tonight had shaken him. It was as if they’d been skating on a frozen lake, had felt the ice cracking beneath them, and had held on to each other just the same, denying what was happening.

Carrie slipped her hand into his and they lay there a long time. “Are you awake?” she asked in a whisper.

“Yes.”

“The caterer called today while I was at the hospital to go over the menu for Saturday night. I’ll finalize everything with him tomorrow. We’re still having six guests?”

The dinner they were giving on Saturday would bring together his closest associates and their wives. “Yes, plus the two of us. Do you still want to fly to San Francisco with me on Wednesday to see your sister?”

“If that’s all right with you.”

“I’d like you to have dinner with my client and his wife.”

“That’s fine. Brenda has to go to work at five anyway. I’m hoping if we have a few hours alone, I can convince her to give college another try.”

Carrie’s younger sister Brenda was twenty now. She’d dropped out of Berkeley and an education Carrie had been funding because she’d fallen in love with an L.A. musician. It hadn’t worked out and she was back in San Francisco now working behind the cosmetics counter in a department store. Brian stayed clear of giving advice to Carrie where her family was concerned. He knew nothing about sibling dynamics and when it came to parents… Carrie was polite to hers, the perfect daughter as far as he could see. There seemed to be an invisible wall between Carrie and her mother, though. Maybe he recognized it because he sometimes felt that same wall between Carrie and him.

Suddenly Brian felt restless, much too wired to go to sleep. Sliding his hand from Carrie’s, he moved to the edge of the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I have work to take care of before we go to San Francisco—a spreadsheet on property assessments.”

His wife was silent and he knew why. Nothing she could say would dissuade him from going to his office downstairs.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” she said softly.

Standing by the side of the bed, he was so tempted to touch her again.

But then she pulled the sheet up to her shoulders and turned over.

Brian snatched up his sweatpants from the bedside chair and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Two

“Are you almost ready?” Brian called up the stairs on Wednesday morning.

Lifting her cosmetics case from the dresser, Carrie took a last look in the mirror at her sea-green pantsuit and went into the hall. “I’m ready. Are you in a hurry to get to the airport?”

“I’m initiating a conference call after we get through security. I don’t want to have to rush it.”

Ever since Monday night when Brian had made love to her so passionately, he’d seemed to withdraw. Sometimes she didn’t understand him, and she knew he didn’t always understand her. She marveled how when they’d first met, they’d seemed to be able to read each other’s minds. Where had that ability gone?

“I guess I’d better take along something to read if you’re going to be tied up.” She’d hoped they’d discuss their plans for the baby. She’d hoped—

As she descended the steps, the phone rang. Since Brian was already in the kitchen on his way to the garage with their luggage, she went to the living room and picked up the cordless phone. “Summers residence,” she answered automatically.

“Mrs. Summers, it’s Trina Bentley from Children’s Connection.”

“Hi, Trina. What can I do for you?” The caseworker probably needed yet another signature on something.

“I think I might be able to do something for you.”

Carrie’s heart began to pound. “Do you have a baby?”

Brian had returned from the garage and caught her question to the caseworker. Standing in the doorway, his gaze met hers.

“Not exactly, but a baby could be the end result.”

“I don’t understand.”

Obviously eager to explain, Trina went on, “What we have is an unwed mother who is homeless. Her name is Lisa Sanders. She’s been residing in a shelter for the past month. Yesterday she passed out, and one of her friends called the paramedics. In the emergency room, one of the nurses referred her to a social worker. When Lisa said she wanted to put her baby up for adoption, I was assigned to talk to her.”

“How old is she?” Carrie asked, thinking about how scared the young woman must be without a secure roof over her head.

“Lisa is eighteen and eight months pregnant. She’s been waitressing, but her blood pressure’s elevated. She has to slow down for her health as well as the baby’s. I gave her several portfolios to examine. She chose yours and that’s why I’m calling. As you know, the adopting couple often pays for the medical expenses for the mother of the child they’re going to adopt, and it would be true in Lisa’s case. We also need a couple who is willing to take her in until the baby’s born. Would you consider doing that?”

“I don’t know.” Carrie cast a worried glance at Brian. “We’d definitely be able to adopt?”

There was a short pause. “While Lisa is living with you, she could determine whether you and your husband are her choice to adopt her baby.”

“I see.”

“This isn’t as irregular as it seems, Mrs. Summers. All types of arrangements can be negotiated between mothers giving up their children and the adoptive parents. Do you think you’d be interested?”

Carrie was more than interested. For years she’d acted as a second mother to her three sisters, and she missed taking care of someone. Since she’d stopped modeling, she’d become more involved in volunteer work but there was still a hole in her life that needed to be filled. That hole had grown bigger since Brian’s success took him away from home more and more. Taking care of this teenager could fill some of the emptiness. It could also lead to the end result of becoming a mother.

“I have to talk to my husband about this. We’re on our way to the airport. How soon must I give you a decision?”

“As soon as possible. Lisa’s gone back to the shelter, but we’d like to get her out of there.”

“I’ll talk to Brian now and get back to you.”

“That was Children’s Connection?” he asked, sounding wary as Carrie replaced the cordless phone on its stand.

“Yes, it was Trina. We could have a baby in less than a month!” She couldn’t keep the excitement from her voice. “An eighteen-year-old unwed mother, Lisa Sanders, is living in a shelter and needs a place to stay until she has her baby. She’s chosen us as a possible couple. Isn’t that wonderful?”

His expression and demeanor said that wasn’t his assessment of the situation. “Let me get this straight. A teenager who’s homeless wants to give up her baby. What do you know about her?”

“Not much…yet. But she doesn’t have anywhere to go, Brian.”

“We don’t know where she came from or what she’s been doing. We can’t just bring a stranger into the house.”

“Why not?”

Now he looked at her as if she’d totally lost her mind. “Because she might not be honest, she might do drugs, she might steal. Why is she on the streets? Why is she homeless? You can’t make a decision like this without having the right information.” He checked his watch. “And I don’t have time to get it now. We have a flight to catch.”

Ever since they were married, Carrie had supported Brian’s career. She loved him. If it was in her power, she’d do anything to make him happy. That had included giving up modeling and being available when he needed her. Since she’d learned she couldn’t have children, and since she hadn’t told Brian the real reason, guilt had kept her quiet about his long hours and his reticence to adopt a child as well as about how lonely she was. Now, however, she could envision laughter filling this big house. They had so much…and she’d love to help a young girl in need, not just with a roof over her head, but with emotional support. Carrie remembered how desperately she’d needed that after the rape, after her abortion, after her world had fallen to pieces all around her.

“I want to meet her, Brian.”

“I guess that will have to wait until we get back from San Francisco. Maybe you can make an appointment for Friday.”

“She’s homeless now. She needs a place to stay now.”

His brows drew together at her unexpectedly adamant tone. “I can’t cancel this trip.”

“I’m not asking you to cancel it, but I don’t have to go with you. If I call Brenda and explain, I know she’ll understand. I can see her another time. I can go meet Lisa today.”

“I was counting on you to be at dinner tonight.”

“Is that really necessary? Isn’t adopting a baby more important than showing me off to one of your clients?” As soon as the words were out, she couldn’t believe she’d said them.

“That’s the way you feel about coming to dinner with me?”

Except for keeping her secret, she’d always been honest with Brian and she knew she had to be now. “Sometimes that’s the way I feel. Don’t you see, Brian, that I need to be more than a wife who was once a model, more than a wife who can facilitate conversation and give great parties?”

Her attitude seemed to baffle him. “You picked a great time to bring this up.”

“I’m sorry. I know you have to leave.”

“You’re not coming with me?”

“No. I want to meet this girl. There’s a possibility we could adopt her child, and I want to talk to her today. I don’t want to miss this opportunity. I don’t want us to miss this opportunity.”

Frustration creased his brow. “Fine. You stay. I’ll get your suitcase from the car.”

When he turned to go, she clasped his arm. “You do still want to adopt, don’t you?”

“I want a child, Carrie. That doesn’t mean I want a girl from the streets living here with us to accomplish that.”

When Carrie released her husband’s arm, he strode away.

Why had she said what she had? Why couldn’t she let the meeting wait until Friday?

Because she felt as if a gulf was widening between her and Brian and if she didn’t do something quickly, the distance between them could become permanent.

The instant Carrie laid eyes on Lisa Sanders a few hours later, she thought about catching the next flight to San Francisco and spending the day as she’d first intended. After introducing them to each other, Trina had left them alone.

Lisa was sitting in a chair in front of Trina’s desk. Her hair was short and spiky, half red and half blond. Three earrings decorated both ears. There was a peace sign tattooed on her right wrist and an upside-down mermaid on her left arm. An oversized green T-shirt covered her belly and drooped over her jeans. Her pretty heart-shaped face was marred by green eyeshadow and purple lipstick. Carrie had spotted defiance in her big green eyes as soon as she’d walked into Trina’s office.

Carrie knew what it felt like to be alone and lost and adrift without an anchor. She saw Lisa studying everything about her from her hair to her shoes. All she could do with this teenager was to be herself and hope it was enough.

Sitting across from Lisa in a matching chair, she opened conversation with, “I understand you’re looking for a couple to adopt your baby.”

The teenager’s eyes widened as if she hadn’t expected Carrie to be so forthright. Out of the blue she commented, “You’re pretty. You used to be a model?”

From everything in her and Brian’s file, she hadn’t expected Lisa to ask her about that. “I used to be.”

“Were you a runway model?”

“At the beginning. Then I was offered a contract with Modern Woman Cosmetics.”

“Were you on TV?”

“Yes, I was.”

“Wow. You really made it, then. Why’d you stop?”

“I got married. We wanted to have a family and modeling didn’t fit into that.”

“Your husband made you stop?”

“No. It was my choice. I decided to be a supportive wife, instead of a famous model.” She said it lightly, but she suddenly realized she’d given up a lot of her independence when she’d left her profession.

“I’ve always wanted to model,” Lisa said wistfully. “But now…” She folded her hands over her belly.

Carrie hoped Lisa hadn’t picked her and Brian to talk to and possibly adopt her baby simply because she was interested in Carrie’s past as a model.

“After you have your baby, you can be anything you want.”

“Don’t try to snow me,” Lisa snapped. “We both know a homeless, unwed mother isn’t going to get very far in this world.”

“Don’t be so sure. And don’t underestimate yourself.”

Lisa gave Carrie’s outfit another once-over. “You probably came from a family with plenty of money. What would you know?” she muttered.

After a few moments of debate with herself, Carrie decided to share some of her background. “My parents were on welfare when I was growing up. I know a lot about being poor, Lisa. So does my husband. I sort of fell into modeling. My mother sent my picture into a contest and my career began there. With Brian, he’s worked hard to become successful and he’s done it all on his own.”

When a long silence stretched between them, Carrie asked, “How did you become homeless?”

“I thought you’d ask how I got pregnant.” There was a wryness to Lisa’s tone.

“I think we both know how you did that. I want to know what brought you here and why you want to give up your baby.”

Lisa stood, rubbed the small of her back, went to the window and looked out into the cloudy Portland winter. A stiff January wind was blowing the branches of maples and alders on the hospital complex.

In a monotone, she explained, “My parents were killed in an accident a few years ago. The only family I had left was Aunt Edna. She lived in Seattle and that’s where they sent me.”

“You were from Portland?”

“Yeah. I grew up here, but I couldn’t stay. Our house was sold and they gave the money to my aunt to take care of me. Only she didn’t. All she cared about were her soap operas. She went to bed at nine o’clock every night and thought I should get up with her at six in the morning. I hated living there. That’s why I spent so much time with Thad. I thought he was cool. I thought he cared about me—”

Her voice broke off and Carrie felt so sorry for her.

Lisa composed herself and said bitterly, “He cared about one thing. That’s all that was ever on his mind. I thought it meant he loved me. Love didn’t have anything to do with it.”

“I’m sure he must have cared—”

Lisa cut her off. “He cared so much, he told me he’d never admit to being the father. He said he’d tell everybody that I slept around. He said he had plans to get drafted by the NFL and no girl or baby was going to change that.”

“So you ran?” Carrie guessed.

“I didn’t run, I escaped. After graduation, I came back to Portland, got a room and a job waitressing. But I had morning sickness really bad and I couldn’t work all my shifts. I couldn’t pay for the room so they kicked me out. I learned how to get along,” she insisted, her chin going up as she looked at Carrie now. “I’m eighteen and no one can tell me what to do.”

“Do you want to give your baby up or do you feel you have to?”

The question seemed to perplex the teenager. “I don’t want this kid. I don’t want it to remind me how stupid I was. I don’t want to have to take care of it twenty-four hours a day for the rest of its life.”

“You might change your mind once you see your baby.”

“I won’t change my mind. I know I’ll never get anywhere if I have to drag a kid along.”

Lisa’s words were tough, but Carrie didn’t believe the girl was that tough. She just tried to make the world think she was.

“I want to be a mother more than I want anything,” Carrie admitted.

“And I want to know my baby’s going to a good home. Why didn’t your husband come with you?”

“He had to fly to San Francisco today on business. I came to meet you.”

Thinking about holding a baby in her arms, Carrie felt her heartbeats race with one another. Before she could catch the words, they soared out of her mouth. “How would you like to come live with us until you deliver? That way, you can decide if we’re the couple you want to adopt your baby.”

Now Carrie’s stomach somersaulted. What was Brian going to say if Lisa accepted?

The grandfather clock in the foyer chimed six as Carrie added broccoli to the saucepan on the stove. Brian had insisted she have a housekeeper so she didn’t have to worry about cleaning and cooking. They’d compromised and Verna came in three days a week, leaving casseroles on her days off, making sure the house was spic-and-span when she was there. Carrie supposed she’d fought against the idea of a housekeeper because she’d been used to taking care of a household and her three sisters while her mom worked. She missed it, actually. Now she couldn’t help but smile as she started the preparation for cream of broccoli soup. She was going to fix salmon cakes to go with it.

Was she totally crazy bringing Lisa into their home?

She’d always had good instincts about people. On the outside, Lisa was defiant, sullen sometimes and looked a little wild. But Carrie’s intuition told her that the girl was sensitive and looking for a place to belong, looking for a place for her baby to belong.

When the phone rang, Carrie froze midstride to the refrigerator. Her heart raced as she hurried to pick it up.

“Summers residence,” she said, unable to keep the excitement from her voice because she suspected Brian was calling.

“Hi,” he said in that deep tone that always curled her toes. “How did the interview go?”

She swallowed hard and jumped right in. “It went great. You’ve got to understand Lisa’s background to understand her, and I think I do. And you can’t let her appearance put you off. She has two-toned hair and tattoos. But she lost her parents, she’s scared and she wants a home for her baby.”

“I’m between meetings, Carrie. We can talk about it when I come home.”

Only hesitating for a moment, she plunged ahead. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Brian. I made the decision during the interview to invite Lisa to stay with us until she has her baby.”

The complete silence that met Carrie’s announcement wasn’t broken even by cell phone static.

“You did what?”

The question was rhetorical, and she waited.

“How could you be so impulsive? How could you make a decision like this without consulting me? We don’t know this girl, Carrie. We don’t know who she is or where she’s been. She’s been living on the streets—” He stopped abruptly.

Sometimes Brian handled Carrie as if she were a piece of glass, and she wasn’t sure why. He didn’t know about the rape or the abortion or the counseling that had saved her life and her future. Yet he held back with her. He always seemed to hold back, and she guessed he was holding back angry words now.

He’d never seen how strong she could be. Maybe it was time to show him. “I know you believe my decision was impulsive. Maybe it was, but I’m going into this with my eyes open. If we can show Lisa we can be caring parents and that we’ll be the best parents for her baby, we’ll have a child. Isn’t that more important than a little inconvenience?”

She heard his sigh, and his words were filled with concern. “I’m not worried about the inconvenience. I’m being cautious. This might not turn out the way you want, and you’ll be hurt. This girl could change her mind about adoption or decide she’d rather place her child elsewhere.”

“I know that. But Lisa will give me something worthwhile to do while you’re away on business. Volunteer work is fine, but taking care of Lisa will be like taking care of my sisters. I’ve missed that.”

His silence went long. Finally he responded, “I know you have. But the timing of this— For the next month or so I’ll be on call. This land deal in Alaska is important. I think you’ve made a mistake, and you need to rectify it before this girl settles in.”

“You’re always on call, Brian, and all the deals are important. I’m used to that.” She had never put her resignation into words before but now she did so. She was fighting for this chance to make their marriage strong again, and intuitively she knew Lisa and her baby were part of that. “I know we can make this work.”

His voice was clipped when he replied, “I’ll be flying home tonight instead of tomorrow. I should be there around eleven-thirty.”

“Brian, I couldn’t leave her in that shelter another night.”

“We’ll talk about it when I get home.”

Yes, they would. Having Lisa in their home might not be easy, but inviting her to stay had been the right choice. Somehow Carrie would convince her husband of that.

A few hours later as Brian came in the door from the garage, Carrie was there waiting for him, hoping to ease him into an introduction to Lisa.

First, though, she smiled and asked, “Are you hungry?”

A flash of desire in Brian’s eyes reminded her of the other night and the way they’d made love. It had been different somehow. She’d almost felt Brian wasn’t holding back, that he’d let himself go and she’d responded to that. Yet afterward he’d withdrawn. Sometimes she felt as if she were doing a complicated dance with her husband, afraid she’d misstep and the rhythm would be broken forever.