Real Men Will

“No. I’m sorry! I don’t want to cut the party short for you.”

“No big deal. Come on. Let’s find Faron.”

Davis took her hand again and led her through the packed room to the tiny woman standing at the edge of a large group of people. Beth wondered how tall she was without the perfectly round Afro, because even with it, she wasn’t bigger than five foot two. A skinny guy with long hair had his arm draped over her shoulder, a proprietary smile on his face. Faron wasn’t smiling when they walked up, but her sweet face broke into a grin when she saw Davis.

She hugged Davis and then Beth before they said their goodbyes. Faron’s husband had taken a job in Santa Barbara, but no one wanted to see her go. Nobody seemed that broken up about her husband, though.

“Ready?” Davis asked.

“Yes,” Beth answered, realizing it was the most honest thing she’d said all night. As she walked through the door, she dared one look back, but Jamie was nowhere to be seen.

The sharp cold of raindrops on her face startled her from her thoughts.

“Run!” Davis said, tugging her along. Beth ran, and by the time they reached his car, she was laughing so hard with relief that she couldn’t draw a breath. Davis reached to open the door, then shut it behind her before dashing around to the other side.

“My feet are soaked!” she gasped, stomping her heels against the carpet. “I think one of those puddles was more like a pond.”

“Your everything is soaked,” he corrected. He touched her cheek, sliding a wet strand of hair toward her temple. A drop of icy water trickled down to her jaw, and then he leaned close and kissed her.

Beth inhaled sharply and felt him smile against her mouth. When his lips brushed hers again, Beth told herself to relax, to enjoy it.

And there was no reason she shouldn’t. He smelled good. His lips parted just enough to encourage hers to part, as well. And his hand was a sweet touch on her jaw. Beth sighed and refused to think about Jamie Donovan. He hadn’t wanted to see her any more than she had him.

But then Davis pulled back and the kiss was over before she’d had a chance to make herself enjoy it.

“I’m really glad Cairo introduced us,” he said softly.

“Me, too.” And she was. When she wasn’t thinking about Jamie, she could imagine this man being her lover. She knew from experience that a first kiss said a lot about how a man would perform in bed. For example, that guy two years ago who’d immediately thrust his tongue down her throat…that had been his level of restraint and subtlety during sex, as well. Foreplay had been something along the lines of “Brace yourself, I’m coming in!”

But Davis…he might be quite lovely.

“I admit, though…” He started the car and glanced at her. “You weren’t quite what I was expecting.”

Her warm thoughts froze. “What do you mean?”

“Well, with the store and the advice column, and…you know. Cairo and the rest of her friends are…”

Beth knew exactly where this was going. She smoothed a hand down her skirt and hid a resigned smile.

“I just haven’t dated a woman with no tattoos in quite a while. You’re kind of a rarity here in Boulder.”

She managed a genuine laugh at that. He was straightforward, at least. She turned her gaze on him and let it slide over his body. He was older than most of Cairo’s friends, and a little alternative without being sloppy. Dark jeans and an expensive-looking T-shirt under a tailored leather jacket. And though she could see the edges of a few tattoos peaking past his clothing, not even his ears were pierced. Though there were always hidden spots.

“I get that a lot,” she finally said, offering him the same honesty he’d given her. “I’m not what anyone expects, I guess.” Even though she said it with a flirtatious smile, the words still squeezed her heart with a painful grip.

“I don’t mind being surprised,” Davis answered.

It was the right answer, and she liked him, but as he pulled away from the parking lot of the bar and turned toward Beth’s part of town, her heart sank. She wasn’t what he’d expected. She never was. And she could already see how this would end. He liked her well enough. He was intrigued by her. After all, she was the manager of the White Orchid, a high-end erotic boutique. She might look like any other professional businesswoman, but she spent her days selling sex toys and expensive lingerie. And she spent her evenings giving sex education classes and writing a new advice column as a sex expert.

On the surface, she was fascinating. But underneath it all…

Beth wrapped her hands tight around her purse and tried not to think. She always thought too much. The only time she’d ever been able to turn her brain off had been with…him.

It had been easy to dismiss her thoughts of him on previous dates. She hadn’t been attracted to any of those men, so naturally, she’d thought of Jamie. But now he was haunting her good dates, too, and she was beginning to feel a little hopeless.

“I’m glad I didn’t pick you up on the bike tonight,” Davis said. “Running through the rain is one thing, but it can be brutal on a bike.”

She pictured Davis in his leather coat, leaning close against a motorcycle, her arms wrapped around his waist. The picture should leave her shivery. It would any other red-blooded woman.

Davis pulled into her driveway and shut off the car to come around and open her door. He might have been raised by hipster Boulderites, but he had been taught the niceties of dating. There was nothing wrong with this man. And there was definitely nothing wrong with the way he kissed her once they were safe beneath the shelter of her patio. “You’re all wet again,” he murmured, his mouth sliding against the rain on her lips. Maybe she could be, if she let herself give in. So when his mouth urged hers to open, Beth touched her tongue to his. And what a nice tongue it was. Warm and slow against hers.

Beth kissed him and thought of inviting him in. He tasted so good. He was tall and cute and, as far as she could tell, he’d look great naked. His hand touched her hip, his fingers spreading along her curves as he deepened the kiss.

Yes, she could let him touch her. She’d enjoy it. And probably he’d enjoy it, too. But she wasn’t a girl with tattoos. And she had no hidden piercings. And despite what she wrote in her columns, the things she liked to do in bed were just as vanilla as everything else about her.

So he’d enjoy it, but he’d also be secretly puzzled. They all were. Wasn’t the manager of an erotic boutique supposed to be…erotic? Wasn’t she supposed to be a little freaky in bed? Or even better…a lot freaky? Shouldn’t she be better than other women?

Beth clenched her eyes shut and tried to turn off her brain, but it didn’t work. It never did. She was too aware. Aware of the way his fingers tightened a bit on her hip. He was getting into this. Getting aroused. And she was just…thinking. Again.

She broke the kiss and drew in a deep breath. “Thank you, Davis. I really had a nice time.”

His hand stayed on her hip. “Me, too.” He waited one heartbeat, then two, giving her a chance to invite him in.

She couldn’t do it. Not tonight, with the thought of Jamie so close at hand. There was no doubt how it would turn out. She’d be thinking the whole time, comparing him to Jamie, comparing herself to who she’d been that night six months ago.

She had to find that again, but it wasn’t going to happen tonight. Not with Davis. “Thanks,” she said again.

His hand finally slid away and Davis stepped back, looking only slightly disappointed. “I’ll call you. Maybe we’ll dare more next time. Dinner?”

“Maybe,” she said coyly, offering a quick kiss on his cheek before she escaped into her apartment.

Beth set her purse on the table, then hung up her coat in the hall closet. Her apartment was so quiet and so palpably solitary, that she was already regretting sending Davis away as she walked to the kitchen to pour a glass of wine. She’d lied to him about that. One glass of beer hadn’t been enough. She should have had three, and then maybe she would have been brave enough to let him in. She could’ve tried to lose herself. It wasn’t impossible.

It was in her somewhere, and it couldn’t just be about one man. Beth wouldn’t let it be.

CHAPTER TWO

BY THE NEXT DAY, BETH WAS thoroughly pissed at herself. One minute with him, one glimpse, one touch, and she couldn’t get the man out of her mind. And the worst part was, it was becoming more and more obvious to her that he’d been desperate to get her out of there. First, he’d edged her farther down the hall, then he’d jumped at the chance to say goodbye as quickly as possible.

He was in a relationship. Which was fine. But what if he was married? What if he’d been married then?

Her heart thumped so hard at the thought that she had to press her palm to her chest. That would explain everything, wouldn’t it?

She tried to put it from her mind as she walked into the shop and waved to Cairo. She tried not to think about it as she unboxed the newest toys and put them on display. But as she unboxed the high-tech vibrator and showed Cairo how it plugged into an MP3 player to thump in time to one’s favorite music, Beth couldn’t stop the thoughts swarming through her head.

“Cairo?”

Cairo was busy scrolling through songs on her phone, trying to find something with just the right beat. “Yeah?”

“I was at Donovan Brothers last night and—”

“Oh!” Cairo looked up with a big smile on her face. “I forgot to ask how your date went.”

“My date?”

“With Davis!”

“Oh. Great!” Beth nodded with too much enthusiasm. “Yeah, it was wonderful!”

Cairo’s brown eyes lit up. “Wonderful? Oh, yeah? Do I detect a little dirty morning-after tone to those words?”

“You do not. But Davis was really nice.”

“And hot, right?” Cairo pressed, smiling as if Beth was hiding something. “How’d you like that dragon tattoo on his stomach?”

Beth raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t see his stomach, Cairo.”

The girl laughed, her glossy black bob swinging forward to frame her pretty face. “I know. I already talked to him this morning.”

“He called you?”

“No, I saw him at yoga. Which is how I know about the dragon tattoo, and why I fixed you two up in the first place. If I didn’t have two men already, I’d hit that so hard he’d never recover.”

Beth rolled her eyes. “It was a nice date. Though I’m not sure about a man who’d tell you whether he spent the night or not.”

“He didn’t say anything about that, but I figured a guy wouldn’t need to show up for an 8:00 a.m. yoga class if he’d spent the night in your bed. Good sex is way more relaxing.”

Well, that would be an interesting test of Beth’s abilities. Let Davis spend the night, then see if he went to yoga the next day.

“By the way…” Cairo said with a familiar twinkle in her eye. “You really, really want to see that tattoo. It’s done by the best artist in Colorado. And it follows the muscles in his abdomen all the way past his waistband. His very low waistband. I’m pretty sure he waxes. Everything.”

Beth must have winced.

“What?” Cairo said. “Don’t tell me you’ve never been with a man who’s waxed?”

She tried to keep her face neutral. She really, really did. But she obviously couldn’t hide her horror.

“Oh, Beth!” Cairo gushed. “I swear, it’s the best. All that smooth flesh. Nothing between your mouth and his skin…. And with a guy like Davis, you want to get as close as possible, don’t you?”

“I…I…” She couldn’t imagine the process. Did he have to put his feet in stirrups for the waxer? “I’m sure it’s lovely.”

“Well, maybe you’ll find out for yourself.”

“So…” Beth tried to set the image away and couldn’t. “Harrison and Rex are waxed?” She’d met both of Cairo’s boyfriends on many occasions.

“Oh, Harrison has always kept it nice and smooth. Rex wasn’t interested, but he got jealous of all the attention I was giving Harrison, so, yeah…” Cairo’s smile seemed to stretch all the way from one ear to the other. “Now they’re both clean as a whistle.”

Oh, God. She shouldn’t have asked. She was going to faint from all the blushing she would do the next time Harrison or Rex came into the store. But that wasn’t the correct reaction for a sophisticated professional in this business, so Beth tried her best not to cover her face in embarrassment. “You’re a lucky woman,” she said instead. “And if I had a dollar for every time I said those words to you…”

“We’ll talk about it later, if you keep seeing Davis.” She hit Play on the phone and they both looked down at the pulsing head of the vibrator. LED lights blinked and twinkled. Cairo bumped her shoulder into Beth’s. “Are you going to keep seeing Davis?”

“We’ll see.” She stared at the dancing lights and tried not to picture Davis without body hair.

“You’re off at seven, right?” Cairo asked. “If you want to leave now, I’ll cover for you. Maybe you should give him a call.” Cairo was Beth’s best employee, always friendly, cheerful and just as busy as Beth. In fact, Beth had just made her assistant manager. “I’m good, but thanks.”

“So, what were you going to say about Donovan Brothers?”

“What?” Beth asked a little too loudly.

“The brewery. You said you were there last night.”

“Oh, right. Yeah. Um, my friend wanted to know if Jamie Donovan is married. You’ve mentioned him before, right?”

“Oh, God, he’s definitely not married.”

“Okay. Good. I’ll pass that on to—”

“But he was in here last week with his girlfriend, so he’s not available, as far as I know. Maybe they date around, though.”

Beth was nodding before the words really hit her. “What?” she said breathily.

“I know, I know. No gossiping about the customers. Sorry. I’ll get back to work.”

Cairo left the unboxed model out as a sample, then headed back to the cash register to finish cleaning the glass. Beth just stood there for a moment, as a pulse in her head started to beat hard. He’d come here? With his girlfriend?

No, that couldn’t be right, could it? He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t bring his girlfriend to Beth’s workplace, knowing that they sold sex toys and lingerie and cute, sexy gifts. That would be too cruel.

Cairo must be wrong.

Beth nodded, trying to convince herself, but she didn’t feel even a hint of reassurance. Because…why wouldn’t he come here?

This was the twenty-first century. Beth was a modern woman with obviously modern beliefs. They’d hooked up one time, no emotions involved. No strings attached. Certainly, plenty of Cairo’s ex-boyfriends came into the shop, with friendly hugs all around. Maybe it hadn’t even occurred to Jamie that Beth would be hurt if he came by with another girl.

They’d specifically agreed that their night together would mean nothing. Just because Beth wasn’t so good at holding up her end of the bargain didn’t mean that Jamie had any problem with his end.

She pressed her hands tight together and told herself that she wasn’t hurt. Still…thank God she hadn’t been here. There would’ve been no denying the pain of watching him wander through her store with another woman, holding her hand, picking out items to use together later in the bedroom.

Beth drew a sharp breath at the thought of it. Had it not even occurred to him? In the brief hours she’d spent with him, he’d seemed considerate and kind. Or hell, maybe he was just more sexually evolved than she was.

But last night, he’d looked downright sneaky. It didn’t make any sense.

She retreated to her office and shut the door. And suddenly she was pissed. She’d felt guilty as hell being at his brewery with another man. And he’d dared to bring someone here? What kind of an asshole was he? And when exactly had he acquired this girlfriend? All the sneaking around that had seemed so exciting at the expo suddenly took on a new, sinister light.

“That bastard,” she growled.

She should drop it. Leave it alone. Now, six months later, it hardly mattered anymore, but Beth found herself overwhelmed with the urge to confront him. She turned on her phone, but that was hopeless. She’d deleted his number from her phone two weeks after she’d met him. She’d had to delete him from her life because the memory of that encounter had become its own aphrodisiac, and she’d known she would get to this point sometime. She’d known the temptation would rise up and swallow her.

“Damn it,” she muttered.

Maybe it would be easier for her to contact him through the brewery anyway. Less privacy, less intimacy. And no memory of the night her phone had rung and he’d said two simple words. “Room 421.”

The hair on her arms prickled as electricity zinged through her body.

Beth cleared her throat and shook her head. She shouldn’t call him. She knew that.

But maybe she could find out the truth another way. Between Facebook and Twitter and everything else on the web, people’s private lives were no longer private.

“It doesn’t matter,” she told herself. If he was some sort of creepy two-timing cheat, that wasn’t Beth’s fault. But she gave in to the weakness and searched his name on Google anyway. Thousands of hits appeared, all of them seemingly about beer and awards and the brewery. Looking for something more personal, she clicked on a link to Twitter. The account said Jamie Donovan of Donovan Brothers Brewery, but the picture was wrong.

Frowning, she clicked on the photo to enlarge it. The guy definitely wasn’t Jamie. As a matter of fact, he looked a lot like the blond man she’d seen tending bar at the brewery the night before. “What the hell?”

Thoroughly confused, Beth clicked back to Google and hit the Images tab. The first picture was the young blond guy again. She clicked back to the results page. Most of the pictures were of the blond guy. The only ones she saw with Jamie were group shots. Clicking on the largest of the group shots, she looked at the caption. Wallace Hood, Eric Donovan, Tessa Donovan, Jamie Donovan, Chester Smith.

This didn’t make any sense. She clicked through to the next page of images, but they were mostly Donovan Brothers logos and pictures of mugs of beer.

Then she noticed there were two video hits and clicked on that tab, light-headed with anticipation.

The first video linked to a local news channel. Beth pulled it up and waited, holding her breath.

The news theme song played, and then the camera focused in on a tight shot of a perfectly coiffed blonde reporter smiling widely. “Today we’ve got big news from an iconic local establishment! I’m coming to you live from Donovan Brothers Brewery in Boulder, Colorado, and I’ve been joined by one of the actual Donovan brothers.” The camera pulled slowly back, revealing first an arm, then a shoulder, then the man with the dark blond hair whom she’d seen in the bar. Beth frowned.

The reporter beamed up at him. “This is Jamie Donovan, one of the famous brothers.” He winked at the reporter while Beth’s mind reeled.

Jamie Donovan. Jamie. But not the man she’d slept with.

This made no sense. The man and the reporter were still talking, their words jangling around in her head like broken glass scraping against her skull. Jamie. But not Jamie. She stared at the name that hovered beneath the man as he spoke: Jamie Donovan of Donovan Brothers Brewery.

Her hand shook as she reached for the mouse and clicked the pause icon.

A weight grew in her throat. Not tears or illness or emotion. It felt as if her actual flesh was swelling up and pressing her throat into a smaller and smaller space. She tried to swallow and couldn’t.

The man worked for Donovan Brothers. He’d been at the brewery. He was in the pictures. But he wasn’t Jamie.

Beth clicked frantically back through the pages until she pulled up that group picture again. She opened another window and tried querying every name, but she didn’t get any good image results. Just picture after picture of the Donovan Brothers’ green logo and photos of the awards and labels of the various beers they sold.

Who was he? Was he Wallace or Chester or Eric?

Beth stood up so quickly that she banged her thigh hard into the desk, but the pain barely registered. She stumbled out from behind her desk and into the cheerful brightness of the shop.

“Cairo?”

Cairo popped up from behind the cash register. “Yes?”

“What does Jamie Donovan look like?”

Cairo shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s cute. Pretty preppy-looking. Straitlaced, but he’s got a sweet smile.”

“Dark hair?” Beth made herself ask, even though her throat tried to close over the words.

“No, not dark. Sort of gold. Not super blond. Why?”

“Just… We…” All that blood pounding in her brain was doing her no good at all. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t even feel. Her body had gone numb. “No reason,” she managed.

“Are you okay, Beth?” Cairo started to reach for her, but Beth backed away.

“I’m fine. I just…I’m not feeling well. Are you still willing to cover for me for an hour? I think I’d better head home.”

“Of course, but…”

Beth rushed back into her office to grab her purse and her phone. She shut down her computer and cleared the history, not quite sure why—all she knew was that she felt ashamed. Ashamed because she’d been tricked. Made a fool of. And, my God, that was an awful, familiar feeling she hadn’t had to deal with in years.

She started hearing the words in her head that she’d absorbed over years of studying sexuality and women’s history. Someone else can’t bring you shame. Shame means you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong. But how else was she supposed to feel after being tricked and lied to?

Tears sprang to her eyes, but she growled her frustration as she blinked them back.

She wasn’t seventeen this time. She didn’t have to simply sit quietly and take it. This time, she’d confront it head-on, and give the shame to the one who deserved it.

When she stalked out of the office, Cairo was helping a customer, dusting a sample of honey body powder on the woman’s arm, but she looked up with concern in her eyes as Beth passed. Beth watched the customer bring her arm up and tentatively touch her tongue to her wrist. The sight would have made Beth smile on any other day, but today she simply watched in blank confusion.

Her body was still numb, her head still beating like a pulse. It occurred to her that she probably shouldn’t drive, but she pushed through the doors and headed straight to her new cherry-red Nissan 370Z. The engine roared to life with the barest turn of the key. She’d purchased it for herself five months before, because she’d wanted it, and she was trying to train herself to take what she wanted. Though right now all she wanted to do was kill someone. Someone whose name she didn’t even know.

The shock of it hit her again, and she gasped in a breath to try to stop the dizziness. She was in a car on a public street. She couldn’t indulge the black spots dancing at the edge of her vision. She took another breath, and another. And even though her whole skull still thumped with every beat of her pulse, her vision cleared, and the closer she got to the brewery, the calmer she felt. Not less furious, but more. Angry in a focused way.

When she pulled into the brewery lot, she shut off the engine, got out of the car and quietly shut the door.

Her heels ground sand against asphalt as she walked. She watched her own hand curl around the door handle as she opened it, as if her fingers had nothing to do with her.

She stepped into a cheerful scene. Fiddle music fell from speakers. Laughter erupted from a table nearby. Beth walked through the laughter as if she were in one of those dreams where nothing made any sense, but she just kept moving.

The man behind the bar turned around, and she felt her heart brace itself, but he was no one she knew. A stranger. Though they were all strangers, really.

She waited until he looked at her. “Is Jamie Donovan here?” Her skin burned with regret as she spoke the name.