Once a Rebel

“You’re a bottomless pit.” She fed Chocolate more chicken, and he licked his chops.

“I can hardly blame him,” Ethan said. “This is good.”

“Thank you.” She smiled, making him envy the dog.

She looked pretty in the afternoon light, with her honey-colored hair and green eyes. Chic and sophisticated, even in jeans and boots and her lipstick wearing off.

He glanced at her mouth and wondered if she would let him kiss her when their date ended. Or would that be crossing the friendship line?

“Our timing is off,” he heard himself say.

“Why? Because I don’t sleep around anymore?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He removed bottled water from the saddlebag and took a swig. “I’m impressed with the way you grew up, but I miss you having a crush on me.”

She set her half-empty plate on the blanket. Chocolate was no longer interested in her food. He’d fallen asleep in her lap. “It wasn’t a healthy crush. Nothing I did then was healthy.”

Ethan drank more water, but he wasn’t able to cool his heels. “So now you’re tempering your feelings for me?”

“I can’t go back in time. I can’t become the old Susan, the girl who acted out her pain.”

He longed to touch her, to glide his fingers along her jaw, to comfort the girl she used to be. “I don’t want to go back in time, either. Can’t we separate the past from the present? Start over somehow?”

“I don’t know. Can we? I’ll bet you haven’t forgotten any of those rumors. I’ll bet they’re still occupying your mind.”

“Can you blame me?” He looked up and saw a hawk dive from a tree branch and sail into the air, like a red-tipped angel taking flight. “You were so sweet, so vulnerable, but you were wild, too. It drove me crazy.”

“I was trying to fill the void inside me. The emptiness that wouldn’t go away.”

“I knew you were mixed-up, and I wanted to make everything better. But I didn’t know how.”

She released a deep, emotional breath, stirring the dog, making him open his eyes for a second. “It wasn’t your job to fix me.”

Maybe not, but he was paying the price now. She’d fixed herself, and he was left with nothing but his memories. “I wanted to pound the crap out of every boy who touched you,” he said. “But there were too many names being bandied around. I never knew what to believe.”

“I didn’t have as many lovers as everyone said. The rumors got blown out of proportion.”

“I was so damn jealous, especially when I heard that you were helping some of those guys lose their virginity.”

A mild breeze rustled the leaves above their heads, intensifying the moment. He couldn’t help it. He was still jealous, still primed for a war party. But he knew she wasn’t going to name names.

“There was only one boy who was a virgin,” she finally said. “But at the time, so was I.”

Ethan frowned. “Then how did that rumor get started?”

“Because I pretended that I’d done it before. He was really drunk, so he didn’t know the difference.” She bit the inside of her lip, as if the experience was still raw. “I knew he would talk about it afterward, and I wanted you to find out.”

A lump formed in his throat. “Why? So I’d say ‘to hell with it’ and lose my virginity to you, too?”

She nodded. “It was the only thing I could think of to get your attention. Nothing else was working.”

“I’m sorry, Susan.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was me. I did it to myself.”

And she’d kept doing it, he thought. She’d kept flaunting other guys in front of him.

Silent, he finished his food and set his plate next to hers, trying to maintain his composure, to ease the sudden tension, the confession in her eyes, the ache in his chest.

“Don’t feel guilty, Ethan. Sleeping with that boy didn’t change who I was. I’d already been messing around before I came to Red Rock.” She gnawed on the inside of her lip again. “Sneaking out of the house, drinking with my friends, learning how to give oral sex.”

“I wasn’t running wild,” he admitted. “But I had a girlfriend before I met you, and we used to engage in some serious foreplay. We just didn’t go all the way.”

She managed a smile. “And here I thought you were a Boy Scout. Proper Ethan.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, you were full of surprises, too. You hardly ever studied, but you got amazing grades. Like a computer nerd or something.”

“Being an honor-roll student was easy for me. But being smart wasn’t what I was after. Not until I straightened up my life and went off to college.”

“Stanford,” he said, then let out a low whistle. “You can’t beat that.”

“Ryan paid for it. I owe him my education.”

Ethan had attended Texas A&M, and he’d been strapped with student loans, debts he’d finally paid off. “I tried not to think about you over the years, but I always wondered how you were.”

She stroked the top of Chocolate’s head, making the big dopey dog sigh in his sleep. “Me, too. Every so often, I’d ask Ryan about you. But I didn’t want to overdo it.”

“And now here we are. On our first date.” He packed up the picnic supplies. “I guess it wasn’t as casual as I promised.”

She looked around. “The atmosphere was casual.”

“But not the conversation.”

“Friends should be candid with each other. I’m glad we talked about it.”

He raised his eyebrows at her. “You wanna tell my libido that?”

She shrugged, laughed, made a silly face at him. “You’ll get over it. Besides, abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“That’s absence, smarty.” And his heart was already fond of her. Or was that his hormones? At this point, he couldn’t be sure.

She woke up the dog and they rode back to the hunting cabin, silence humming between them. Once they arrived, he unsaddled the horses and she offered to let him keep the leftovers, including the untouched cookies.

As she prepared to leave, he debated his options. He knew a kiss was out of the question, but he wasn’t about to settle for a handshake.

He opted for a hug, taking an awkward step toward her, like a teenage boy who was about to trip over his own feet. When he took her in his arms, she put her head on his shoulder.

He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled the faded scent of her shampoo. It was lemon, just like when they were young.

She stepped back and smiled at him, but her eyes were a little glassy. He wondered if the contact had made her warm.

“I’ll guess we’ll see each other around,” she said.

He tried to seem unaffected. “Sure. Anytime.”

She walked toward the SUV, and Chocolate trotted after her.

“You can’t go home with her,” Ethan told the dog.

Chocolate ignored the warning. When Susan opened the driver side, he muscled past her and leaped inside. Then he scooted over, waiting for her to get behind the wheel.

She stood beside the vehicle and laughed. “I guess he made up his mind.”

Ethan shook his head. “I’ll drag his butt out of there.”

“No, it’s okay. He can stay with me for a while. I’m sure Ryan and Lily won’t mind.”

“He’ll want to sleep in your bed. But he won’t keep you warm. He’ll hog the covers.”

“With all that fur? I’ll take my chances.” She climbed into the SUV, started the engine and rolled down the windows. Chocolate curled up on the seat.

Ethan figured there was no point in pushing the issue. If she was willing to babysit his dog, there wasn’t much he could do. “Call me if he gives you any trouble. Ryan has my number.”

“Thank you. I will.”

Her gaze caught his and they stared at each other through the passenger window. Then Chocolate popped up and stuck his head in the way, gloating, no doubt, that he’d gotten the girl.

The one Ethan kept losing.

After watching the eleven o’clock news, Susan curled up with Chocolate. A light burned beside the bed, illuminating the room, casting a white sheen over the book in her hand.

The Lab burrowed deeper beside her. He was more than a blanket hog. His body was pressed so close to hers, he could have been her conjoined twin.

“I can’t concentrate,” she told him as she closed the novel and placed it on the nightstand.

She couldn’t quit thinking about Ethan.

The dog yawned, and she scratched his ears, wondering if his master was in bed. Which wasn’t a good sign. If her mind strayed too far in that direction, she would start obsessing about Ethan, letting him consume her, as he did when they were young.

No, she thought. She hadn’t earned a Ph.D. in psychology to become her own patient all over again. Been there, done that, she told herself.

Then why not analyze Ethan instead? That wasn’t the same as obsessing about him, and she had every right to figure out what he was up to.

Why did he want to sleep with her so badly, especially after dodging her teenage advances? Was it a hard-hitting sexual conquest? A man thinking with his penis? A guy who wished he’d nailed the bad girl all those years ago?

On a primal level, that was a definite possibility, something an adult male might consider. But for an elusive boy who’d wanted to make everything better, to heal her rebellious heart, it seemed out of character.

So maybe he was trying to bandage those old wounds. Not consciously, but deep down, where it counted. Where he’d needed her as much as she’d needed him.

But how could she be sure? Ethan had always kept his feelings to himself. Unlike her, who’d rammed her emotions down everyone else’s throats.

A light knock sounded at the door, and Chocolate lifted his head, his sleepy eyes going wide.

“It’s me,” Lily said through the wood.

“Come in,” Susan told her.

The older woman entered, then smiled at the dog, who thumped his tail in a friendly greeting. “I see your companion found a cozy spot.”

“More than cozy.” Susan scratched his ears again. “He’s glued to my side.”

“I think Ryan half expected you to bring Ethan home instead.”

“I would have.” She gave Lily a teasing grin. “If I hadn’t changed my wicked ways.”

Lily chuckled, then sat in a bentwood rocker that creaked with age. She placed her hands on the curved wood and set the chair into a soft, gliding motion. She wore a cotton nightgown and a chenille robe. Her thick hair was fastened into a single braid.

“Is Ryan asleep?” Susan asked.

“He drifted off hours ago, but I can’t seem to settle in.”

“Too much on your mind?”

“Ryan keeps telling me that he won’t let Jason Jamison hurt anyone in our family, but I can’t help but worry. Ryan is ill, and there’s a madman threatening us. There’s only so much I can take.”

“I know. I’m so sorry.” Susan moved to the edge of the bed, closer to Lily. “I think Ryan is just as worried as you are, but he’s trying to remain strong.”

“To prove that he can protect us? Even though he’s dying?”

Susan nodded. She’d seen the determination on Ryan’s face, and she knew how often he consulted his security team. “I wonder when the FBI agent will contact you. When he’ll uncover Jason’s whereabouts.”

“Soon, I hope. That’s what’s so creepy. Just knowing Jason is out there.” She rubbed her arms, even though she was wrapped in a robe. “Maybe I would feel safer if Ryan wasn’t ill. Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time with this. I’m losing my rock, my stability.”

“You haven’t lost him yet, Lily. He’s still here, asleep down the hall.”

The older woman blinked away the tears that gathered in her eyes. “You’re right.” She let out a deep sigh. “I love him so much.”

“And he loves you.”

“Yes, he does. And that’s the most comforting feeling in the world.” She stood, smiled at Susan and Chocolate. “Thank you. It helps to talk.”

“For me, too.” She came to her feet and gave Lily a hug. The dog climbed off the bed and tried to nuzzle his way between them, wanting to be part of the embrace.

They stepped back and laughed, giving in to the moment, to the humor the Lab provided.

“He doesn’t seem like a stray,” Lily said.

“Ethan spoils him. He pretends not to, but he does.”

Lily looked up at her. “I can hardly blame him. You better hang on to that one.”

But after Lily said good-night and left the room, Susan wasn’t sure who “that one” was.

Chocolate. Or the man who’d rescued him.

Four

In the morning Susan took Chocolate for a walk down by the barn. She told herself it wasn’t a ploy to see if Ethan was around. She had no idea if Ethan was even working on the Double Crown today. He had other clients, other ranches that paid for his services.

But even so, she scanned the distance, wondering if he was working with the cattle, the animals that looked like irregular-shape dots grazing on the vast Texas land.

Not that it mattered if he was out there somewhere, restraining cows in a chute. She wasn’t searching for Ethan, she reminded herself. She was simply taking his dog out to play.

And play Chocolate did. He ran all over the place, disappearing from sight, then returning with sticks and rocks and other makeshift toys in his mouth.

At her feet he dropped a soda can he’d found, then took off again. He hadn’t gotten the concept of fetch. He didn’t wait around for her to throw his prizes so he could retrieve them. Not that she would toss an aluminum can. She picked it up, intending to throw it away, wondering who’d littered the ranch. She couldn’t imagine any of Ryan’s employees being that disrespectful, but someone had discarded it.

She heard Chocolate barking and hoped he wasn’t getting into any trouble. It appeared to be a playful sound, but he might be bugging one of the ranch hands.

Susan followed the bark and found him behind an outbuilding, along with a teenage girl who sat on the ground, puffing on a cigarette. She looked at Susan without saying a word.

Déjà vu hit her hard and quick.

She saw a reflection of her former self. Not in the girl’s appearance, but in the unaffected stare. Susan never flinched when strangers used to catch her smoking, but she remembered how her heart would pound, how she would pray that her dad wouldn’t find out.

“Do you know if there’s a trash can nearby?” she asked, keeping her tone easy. She wanted to get her point across without backing the child into a corner. She suspected the littered can had come from her.

The teenager shrugged. She wore a nondescript T-shirt, tomboyish jeans and tennis shoes. Strands of wavy brown hair escaped from a simple ponytail. A sprinkling of freckles across her upturned nose gave her face a pixielike quality and so did her petite frame. She appeared to be about fourteen or fifteen. Beside her was a blue-and-yellow backpack.

“Maybe in the barn?” Susan said, referring to the trash can again.

The teen’s brown eyes barely blinked. “I suppose.”

“I guess I’ll throw this away later.” For now she decided to introduce herself. “I’m Susan Fortune, Ryan and Lily’s cousin. And he’s Chocolate,” she added as the dog sniffed the girl’s jeans.

“I know who he is. The vet’s pesky dog.”

Susan couldn’t help but smile. “He means well. What’s your name?”

“Cathy.”

She sat down in the dirt, close enough to make direct eye contact, but not close enough to invade the girl’s space. “How well do you know Ethan?”

“My mom used to babysit for his girlfriend’s kid when they went out.” Cathy squinted at her. “Are you his new girlfriend?”

“No. We’re just friends. We knew each other when we were young.”

“You kind of look like Amber.”

“Really?” Susan recognized the name of Ethan’s ex. “How so?”

“I don’t know. You just do.” A strong pull on the cigarette filled her lungs. “Except she’s prettier than you.”

Ouch, Susan thought. This kid knew how to pack a punch. It made her wonder what or whom Cathy was lashing out at. “Do you go to school around here?”

“Where else would I go? I live on the ranch.”

“You’re a long way from the bus stop. Shouldn’t you get going?” Susan decided to up the ante, to use a little friendly force. “Or are you planning to ditch?”

“I was just getting ready to leave.” Cathy stood, stamped out her cigarette and left it on the ground. Then she grabbed her backpack and took off, disappearing around the corner of the building.

Chocolate barked, and Susan sighed and went after the cigarette butt, dropping it inside the empty can. She had enough problems to contend with; she didn’t need to worry about one more trying-to-be-tough teen. The world was filled with rebellious youths, and she couldn’t help them all.

But Cathy lived on the Double Crown and that made Susan think that fate had intervened. That she should explore Cathy’s situation, at least ask Ethan about her.

Susan waited until dusk to show up at Ethan’s door. He answered her knock with his hair damp and his chest bare. A pair of jeans rode haphazardly on his hips.

He’d just taken a shower, she realized. And climbed into his pants. His fly wasn’t open, but several teeth on his zipper were exposed, drawing her gaze below his belly button.

“Are you here to return my dog?”

“What? No.” She looked up and felt her cheeks sting with bad-girl heat. She shouldn’t be examining him like a side of beef. “Chocolate is with Ryan and Lily.”

He glanced over her shoulder. “Are you sure he didn’t follow you?”

“I’m sure. He was napping when I left the house.” Her gaze strayed again. Faded denim, the waistband of his boxers peeking out. She wanted to touch him, to put her hands where they didn’t belong.

She meant to tell him that she’d stopped by to ask him about Cathy, but suddenly she couldn’t think beyond his body, beyond his half-naked appeal.

He gestured for her to enter the cabin. She walked inside and took a deep breath.

When he closed the door, she noticed a tattoo on his shoulder. Two horseshoes and a star branding his flesh. “When did you do that?”

He turned to face her. “Do what?”

“The ink.”

“Five years ago. For luck, when I turned thirty.” He gave her a half-cocked smile. “I’ll probably do it again when I turn forty.”

“On the other shoulder?”

“I haven’t decided.” He grabbed a shirt that was draped over the sofa. “Do you have any hidden artwork I should know about?”

“Like a pirate ship on my chest? No, I can’t say that I do.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of a rose on your thigh.” He slipped on the shirt, but didn’t button it. A grin slid across his face. “Or maybe a butterfly on your sweet little—”

She raised her eyebrows at him. Ethan Eldridge had turned into a dark and daring man. “You missed your chance to see my butt.”

“Don’t remind me how stupid I was.” He paused and his expression turned serious. “Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?”

The change of topic threw her off-kilter. She blinked, reminding herself that she’d arrived at his house to ask him about Cathy.

“We can go to Red,” he said.

Red? The restaurant where his ex-girlfriend worked? “When?”

“In a few minutes. I just have to finish getting dressed.”

“Sounds good. I haven’t eaten yet.” She decided she would ask him about Cathy over dinner. And maybe, if Amber was working, she would get a glimpse of the woman she supposedly resembled.

Even if Amber was prettier.

She sat on the sofa while Ethan got ready. He buttoned his shirt in front of her, but turned his back to unzip his jeans and tuck in his shirttail. A belt came next. She could hear the clank of the buckle.

She didn’t think he was as modest as he seemed. He’d probably done it out of respect to her.

Finally, he walked over to an oak armoire and removed a pair of socks from the single drawer. The cabin didn’t have a bedroom, and she shifted on the sofa, realizing she was sitting on his bed.

He reached for his boots and sat next to her, pulling them on. His dark brown hair, she noticed, had yet to dry. He wore it short and just a little messy. His temples bore fine threads of gray, barely visible, but still a testament of time, of the years that had passed.

“Don’t wear a hat,” she said.

He made a face. “Why not?”

“I like how you look without it.” And she didn’t want him to hide beneath the brim.

He ran a hand through his hair, trying, it seemed, to tame it. But his finger combing didn’t make much of a difference. “I feel naked.”

But he wasn’t, she thought. He was fully clothed now. “I heard that hats make men go bald.”

“Then I’d really be naked.” He gave his Stetson or Resistol or whatever it was a longing glance. “This bites.”

She smiled, knowing she’d won. “Maybe I’ll kiss you tonight.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Really?”

“On the cheek.”

“Tease.” He stood and offered to help her up.

She accepted his hand and his sense of humor. His eyes were twinkling, as blue as the sea, as the sky, as every poetic description she could think of.

A moment later, they took his truck and left for the restaurant in companionable silence.

Red was a converted two-story hacienda brimming with charm. The first floor served as the eatery, with dark wood tables and terra-cotta tiles. Leafy plants and dim lighting offered a cozy atmosphere.

Susan and Ethan sat at a candle-steeped table, and from her vantage point, Susan could see the courtyard where paper lanterns were strung, like leftover holiday lights bouncing off red umbrellas.

The waitress, a friendly brunette, brought them their menus, took their drink orders and departed with a swish of her flouncing uniform. Susan glanced around. Amber, she assumed, was blond.

“The combination platters are really good,” Ethan said.

Susan quit scouting the room and scanned the menu instead. Not a blonde in sight. “Everything looks good.”

“Yeah. I’m starving.” After a busboy delivered their drinks and placed a basket of chips and a bowl of salsa on the table, Ethan dived into them. “I eat out a lot. It’s a hassle to cook for myself.”

“For me, too.” She pondered over a beef burrito or a chicken enchilada, then gave in to her curiosity. “Did you meet Amber here?”

“Yep.” He said it casually, reaching for another chip. “She was separated from her husband and going through a rough time.”

“And you helped her?”

“Oh, sure.” He laughed a little. “I helped her come to the conclusion that she was still in love with her husband.”

Susan dipped into the salsa, waking up her taste buds. “I guess she isn’t working tonight.”

“Not tonight or any other night. She doesn’t work here anymore.” He frowned at her. “Did you think I picked this place because of her? I don’t play those kinds of games.”

“I didn’t see it as a game. Besides, I heard that we look alike.”

“Who? You and Amber?” He sat back in his chair, the frown digging deeper into his skin. “Who told you that?”

“Cathy.”

“Cathy?”

“The teenager whose mom used to babysit Amber’s son.”

“Oh, that Cathy. The kid who sneaks cigarettes. I’ll bet she got to you.”

“Yes, she did. In fact, she’s the reason I came to see you. But first I want to know if what she said is true.”

He gave her a point-blank stare. “Why? Is it some sort of crime for me to sleep with petite blondes?”

“So we do look alike.”

“Not enough to mix you up. And I didn’t even recognize you when I first saw you.”

Which meant that Amber looked more like the way she used to look. Longer hair, darker makeup, sexier clothes. “It could be a Freudian crime.”

He broke into a smile. “Then you should cure me. Take me to bed or something.”

“Nice try.” She smiled, too, but her pulse was tripping like an acid-dropping hippie. Even the flame on the candle was jumping.

The waitress came by to take their food order. Suddenly Susan was glad the other woman was a brunette. It was foolish to feel that way, but she couldn’t help it. She was getting territorial about Ethan.