Scout's Honor

He knew it because he thought that was a good idea, too. As much as he was committed to honoring his promise to Duff, he was not going back there with her. The fun and the love, the passion and the sex, the madness and everything that he felt for her. The importance of those feelings was now tainted by pain.

That crushing pain had sat on his chest for months after leaving her. Eventually it mellowed out to a dullness that he knew would never really go away.

“What is with the snorting?” Scout grilled him. “You know I hate the snorting.”

He’d always snorted any time she said something he didn’t believe or agree with.

“I’m sorry, but I know you. Taking a risk on a guy like Evan? That is not going to happen. You and I both know it. So I guess I’m feeling bad for him. The reality is this guy is going to come to camp, we’ll send him up against some Triple A pitching talent and he won’t be able to hit dick, pardon my French. But even if he does, it would take a major sell to get anyone to consider him at his age and with his lack of baseball experience. I just don’t see you doing that.”

There was silence as Jayson changed lanes, passed a car, then changed back.

He shot her another glance. Yep...more glaring.

“Look, what do I know?” Scout asked him.

It was an old exchange they used to share. Which meant more memories. Damn.

“You know baseball.”

“I know baseball,” she repeated. “I’m telling you, I know what a natural swing looks like and that guy has it. If he’d been the golf coach instead of the baseball coach, he might be trying to qualify for the US Open, who knows. But if someone comes to me as a natural-born athlete with a sweet swing and who I think can be an asset to the team, I’m willing to make the hard sell.”

“You never make the hard sell,” Jayson said. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. What he’d said would piss her off and he really hadn’t wanted to do that. Today had been a good day. She’d gone outside. She’d worn clothes that weren’t stained. He’d watched her eat three bites of a hamburger and seven French fries.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Scout, I worked by your side for over a year. You play the numbers. You go with the odds. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s the smart thing to do in baseball. It’s why the Rebels have you, one of only two female scouts in all of baseball, on their payroll. But don’t try to convince me that you might actually take a risk on this guy.”

He heard the huff and felt the flounce of her body as she shifted in her seat. She’d always been this crackle of energy and every time she moved it was as if she ruffled the air around her so he could feel the ripples of it on his skin.

“You say that like I never have. Taken a risk.”

He felt a sharp pain in his chest and might have been afraid he was having a heart attack except he was intimately familiar with the feeling and knew better.

Heartbreak.

“Have you?” His tone was sharper than it should have been, but it was a particularly sore subject for him. “In these past four years since I’ve been gone, have you? Because I sure as heck know you didn’t take them before.”

“Really? Are we seriously going to have this fight again?”

Jayson didn’t want to fight. Fighting her was not what he was supposed to be doing. He was here to support her, pull her out of the hole she was in, get her back on her feet.

Fix her because she’s broken.

That, too. He found himself angry all over again. He remembered the anger. It had lived side by side with the heartbreak. Now he was realizing, like the pain, it too had dulled to an ache. But it had never really gone away.

“You know,” he said slowly, carefully, as if this next sentence might be the most important of his life. “I don’t think we ever had that fight. I remember the words. I remember asking you to go with me and you saying no. I remember asking why. I remember knowing why, so I stopped asking when you stopped giving me answers. I remember goodbye. You know what I don’t remember? I don’t remember the fight.”

* * *

“HAVE YOU LOST your mind?” Scout asked him.

Jayson had pulled over to a gas station in the middle of nowhere. He’d stopped the car and gotten out as if to suggest they weren’t going anywhere until they had it out.

Now Scout was out of the car and looking at him as if he had lost his mind.

Maybe he had, but after checking his anger while Duff was dying he suddenly found he couldn’t hold it in anymore. No doubt Scout wasn’t ready for this showdown, but it was hard to know if she ever would be. And they needed this.

“I loved you,” he snapped. “You knew that. But you wouldn’t take the smallest chance on us. Not the smallest chance and come to Texas with me. I mean, seriously, what was the worst that could happen? If it didn’t work out between us, you could have always come back home.”

Scout looked stricken. So much so that Jayson considered taking it back and telling her to forget it. She wasn’t ready for this confrontation. He knew that now, but he just wanted her to admit that their breakup had been her fault and not his.

“You were the one who left me!”

The shrill sound of her voice hurt his ears. Jayson imagined if there were any dogs within earshot they would be howling.

“If you loved me,” she continued, “really loved me, you never would have done that!”

“It was a managing job. This is baseball. You know that’s how this business works. You have to go where the openings are. What was I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for something to open up in Minotaur Falls?”

“You’re here now,” she grumbled.

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t be back as the team’s manager. With a chance to make an impression on the Rebels’ GM. You know where I’m going, right?”

Scout nodded tightly with her arms crossed over her middle.

“And you, more than any other person, know what it means for me to get back there. One day. I had one damn day and it wasn’t enough. Every decision I made, everything I learned was all about giving me one more shot. You knew that. Tell me you knew that.”

“Okay. I knew it. I knew how important it was to you, although you really never gave yourself credit for getting to the majors the first time.”

Jayson didn’t want to think about that. “You knew why I had to leave and take that job. It was either that or effectively give up my career. Is that what you wanted? For me to give up baseball?”

She shook her head, again tightly as if these answers were hard to give.

“Now tell me why you wouldn’t come with me. I told you I loved you. You told me you loved me. Was that the truth?”

“Yes,” she said softly. So softly he almost didn’t hear her, but he did and it hurt him all over again to hear it.

“You couldn’t take a chance on us, though. You couldn’t have just a little bit of faith in me.”

Scout opened her mouth as if to argue, but this time he shook his head.

“I used to blame Duff. I told him he must have messed with your head to make you think you could never leave his side. But it wasn’t him, was it? You were just too scared to change your life.”

“You were asking me to change everything!” Scout screeched. “We had been dating for seven months. It was the first time I’d been in love and everything was already changing and then you wanted me to pick up everything and move with you. What about my career? My future? My family? None of that mattered to you. You never once considered staying for me, but you were mad at me for not jumping up and following your command. How is that fair?”

Maybe it wasn’t. Jayson felt deflated. He hadn’t convinced her four years ago and he wasn’t going to convince her now that she was wrong. He’d wanted Scout to prove to him he was more important than anyone else in her life.

Now she never could.

“We should go,” he said. “It’s getting late.”

“What do you want from me?” Scout shouted at him. He could see the tears welling in her eyes and knew he’d torn something open in her. Their wounds clearly hadn’t fully healed.

“What do you want me to say?” she continued to shout. “That I made a mistake. That I regretted my decision every day. That even after four years I still think about you and wonder what if?”

She advanced on him, her eyes still red with tears, but there was anger there, too. “Because if I did that, if I made that admission, then I would have to wonder what if I had followed you four years ago. And that would have meant that I wouldn’t have had these last four years with my father. Because that was all the time he had left. So, no, I’m not going to admit that.”

“Scout, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You do nothing but hurt me!” she howled.

The blow was more devastating than anything he’d ever felt before. It hurt more than running into a brick wall or finding out he would never play baseball again.

The only woman he’d ever loved and he did nothing but hurt her.

I should go. The thought came to him immediately. They couldn’t easily stay in the same space without causing each other pain. It only made sense for him to leave.

Never thought you were a quitter.

There it was again, hearing Duff in his head. And of course he would say the one thing that would annoy Jayson enough to not leave.

“Come on,” he said, offering his hand. “We need to get on the road.”

They both got in the car, silence now sitting heavy between them.

“Well, that was worth it,” Scout muttered.

He knew she’d said it facetiously, but he didn’t agree. Those were things they had needed to say to each other. Now it was done, and the bottom line was he was either going to have to let her go and move on with this life...

Or he was going to have to find a way to stop hurting her.

Five years ago...

DAMN, HE WAS NOT going to be able to take this slow. Scout was in his arms and the need to bury himself inside her was like nothing he’d ever felt before. Jayson knew what sex was—he’d had plenty of sex—but this felt different.

This was the first time he’d waited for something he wanted. And the wait had nearly killed him.

The moment he’d laid eyes on Scout, Jayson knew he wanted her. Something about her edginess turned him on. But he’d also sensed a vulnerability about her that was equally intriguing. The one thing he knew for certain was that he was going to have to move slowly with her.

Instinctively, he knew if he asked her out that first week he would have scared her off. So instead he let their friendship develop naturally. Which made things even harder because not only did he want to screw her brains out, but also the more they hung out together the more he liked her.

Jayson couldn’t remember the last time he’d liked someone so much.

Which was why when she finally worked up the nerve to ask him out, he knew all that waiting had paid off. She was coming to him. Like a rabbit he was luring out of its lair with a little bit of sweet lettuce.

Now they were in his hotel room, and her tongue was in his mouth and he was thinking with what little brainpower he had left that he was not going to be able to drag this out.

Next time, he told himself.

Next time he would nibble and lick and suck. He would tease and torment and make her come a million times before he slid inside her.

This time he just needed to get inside her.

“Scout, I need you, baby.”

She pulled away and was looking at him a little bit confused, which he thought was nice. His kiss had made her fuzzy.

“Huh?”

He ran his hand down her back until he was cupping her ass and pulling her against his aching erection. “Are you ready for me?”

He felt her still and maybe that should have been his first clue, but he was too busy stroking his cock between her legs, which was making him crazy and her whimper.

“Turn around,” he told her and she obeyed. He grabbed hold of the zipper of her dress and pulled it down her body, loving the skin that was revealed as the fabric fell away from her body. He loved it more when he passed the part of her back where her bra strap should have been and it wasn’t there. So much so that he pressed a kiss in the center of her back, making her whimper again.

For a second they got into a tug-of-war over the straps of her dress. Scout didn’t seem to want to let them go, but Jayson wasn’t going to be able to see her naked if she didn’t. And Jayson really wanted to see her naked.

“Scout?” he asked, wondering if there was a problem.

Then she let her arms down and the dress fell away from her body. He helped her step out of it and then he pulled on her arm to turn her around. Except when she did, she had her arms crossed over her breasts.

“Shy?” Jayson asked, smiling at her. Her hair was long down her back. Her bare body, all flat angles, made him even harder and he didn’t know that was possible. Then there were her sexy panties that she no doubt wore just in case Jayson managed to get her out of her dress.

“You are so beautiful. Let me see all of you.”

Again he had to tug, this time to get her arms off her body. As soon as he succeeded she ducked her head, which again might have been a clue if he hadn’t been so hyperfocused on her perky round breasts and her tight nipples.

“I’m going to suck those nipples so hard I’m going to make you scream. Next time. But right now I can’t wait.”

Thinking she was on the same page, he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the king-sized bed. He dropped her so that she was flat on her back and as soon as he did she covered her breasts again, which made him sad. He was going to have to break her of that habit.

Next time.

Jayson shucked off his coat and toed out of his shoes. He really didn’t want to take the time to remove his tie and unbutton his shirt but this wasn’t going to be a one-time thing. This wasn’t just about sex, either. This was the start of their relationship. He needed to treat it with some respect.

So he did take off his tie and he did unbutton his shirt, but he did it quickly.

Then he was pulling down his pants and as soon as he stood before her he heard a slight squeak. He fished out a condom from his wallet and then kicked his clothes away.

Without thinking about what that squeak meant he crawled on the bed in between her legs. He had to use some pressure to get her to spread them. He kept his weight on his arms, but he let his dick settle on her flat stomach to enjoy the feel of her smooth skin against him.

She squeaked again and he took that as a measure of excitement. He kissed her and was a little worried when she didn’t immediately open her mouth to him. But just as the thought came to him that she felt a little stiff underneath him, she was kissing him back with all the passion he felt for her.

Her hands were on his lower back, her body was arching up to press herself against him. She was ready and he was done waiting.

He got on his knees between her legs and pulled her panties down with a little awkwardness as she was twisting one way, while he was pulling the other. But finally she was naked with him and then he was getting himself into position, using his teeth to open the condom and then rolling it in place. He lifted her so that her ass was on his thighs and he would be able to slide deep and hard in one solid stroke.

“I’m sorry, honey.” He could hear how rough his voice was but the urgency to thrust inside her was nearly overwhelming. “This might be a little rough and quick, but I promise I’ll get you there.”

He knew he was losing it because he could hear the Louisiana in his voice and that only happened when he was really drunk or really desperate.

“Jayson, I think...”

But he was done waiting. He put his cock against her opening and started to push. He felt her wetness, knew she was aroused, but he hadn’t expected her to be so tight.

“Scout...”

It was like her body was pushing back against him. It was maddening.

“Honey, you’ve got to open for me a little...”

“I’m trying.”

Trying? What the hell did that mean, but before he could think about it, he had the head of his erection inside her and he was pushing again. Then he heard her cry out and it froze him solid.

“Scout.”

“It burns,” she said with her arm over her eyes.

Instantly, he slid out of her. Then he looked down on her face and saw she was in agony.

“No, don’t stop. You can’t stop! You have to finish it.”

She was reaching for his hips and sliding her butt up his legs as if she might try to impale herself on him. He caught her body and turned her on her side so that they were facing each other.

“Please, don’t stop,” she cried.

Tears. Actual tears. He was the worst lover ever. Obviously he’d gone too fast for her. He thought she’d been with him. She was obviously not even close to being ready.

“Scout, it’s okay,” he said even though the ache in his balls was extreme. “I’ll slow down. Get you more ready.”

“I am ready.” She sobbed. “Please, just do it. There’s nothing you can do that won’t hurt.”

Oh, hell. Did she have some kind of physical condition? Something that prevented her from enjoying sex?

“Scout, honey, you need to talk to me. Is there some kind of problem I need to know about?”

“Yes, I have a problem. And you need to fix it,” she said urgently. She hooked her leg over his hip and dropped her hand down to his cock.

He caught her hand and stopped her wiggling it. “Scout, I’m not going to hurt you. I won’t do it.”

“But you have to. It’s the only way.”

Huh? Nothing she was saying was making sense and she was getting more and more upset. What was supposed to be a night of hot, intense sex was turning ugly quickly.

“Please, I just want it done.”

Not something any guy ever wanted to hear when it came to sex. Jayson rolled on his back as he tried figure out what was happening.

But as soon as he did, Scout was climbing on top of him.

“Scout, wait...”

“No, I’m done waiting. It’s okay.” She reached for him again and placed his erection at her core. Then she pushed herself forcibly over him, whimpering the entire time.

“Scout, stop it! You’re hurting yourself!”

But she didn’t stop. Not until he was fully inside her. It was a horrible moment to both see her pain and feel his pleasure. But she was squeezing him like a vice and his cock was an unfeeling bastard.

“There,” she huffed out, lying on top of him. “It’s done.”

Done? Nothing was done. He was still hard, and she clearly was nowhere close to having an orgasm.

“What’s done?” he grated out.

“I’m not a virgin anymore. You can finish now. I’m sure it will be better next time.”

A virgin.

Of course. And with that sentence she wiggled on top of him and it was enough to make him come furiously inside her. Without one real stroke.

Without a doubt the worst sex of his life. All he’d done was hurt her.

CHAPTER FIVE

“SCOUT, HOLD UP,” Jayson called to her as he pulled up to the house.

She was done listening to him. She had had the passenger door open as soon as the car had come to a stop and now she was practically running up the driveway.

“Scout, you’re going to have to talk to me eventually! Stop behaving like a child and turn around.”

That got her to stop and offer him a succinct nonverbal response.

“Yeah, that’s mature,” he sneered.

“I’m done fighting,” she said. “Go home and give me some space.”

“Fine, you take your space but I’m not going anywhere. Okay? Tell me you know that.”

She shook her head. He’d pulled over the car to yell at her for not taking a chance on him and now he wanted her to know he wasn’t going anywhere. As if to say that if she did need him he would be here for her.

Because he still cared.

I loved you...

She couldn’t say how much the past tense of that phrase destroyed her. All she wanted to do was run home, lock herself in her room, put the covers over her head and stay there. Forever.

She’d been wrong to think she was strong enough to reenter the world. Wrong to think she could spend the day with Jayson without getting her heart split open.

“Tell me, Scout. So I know you believe it.”

She looked at him then, really looked at him, and saw how earnest he was. It was one of his most endearing qualities.

“You’re not going anywhere,” she repeated.

He nodded and she could tell he wanted to say more but it was as if he’d decided he’d said enough for a day.

“I’ll see you around.”

“I guess,” Scout conceded. Recognizing that this was her life now. There was no Duff, but there was Jayson potentially around every corner.

Her room, her bed, her blanket beckoned.

She turned away from him and walked inside only to find her mother at the kitchen counter chopping carrots and Bob sitting at the table, seemingly content to spend time with his wife while she cooked. They were smiling as if their conversation had been amusing to both of them. It reminded Scout how much her mother and Bob actually liked each other. Beyond the love, they were best friends.

A real, loving relationship. A shame it had to come at the expense of Duff.

An unforgivable sin in Scout’s eyes. It didn’t seem right that Scout should have to suffer this on top of everything else. Losing Duff, having to deal with Jayson, living with her traitorous mother. None of it was fair.

“I want you two to leave.” Scout looked at both of them to show them she meant it.

Alice and Bob exchanged a glance, communicating silently, once again showing how in sync they were.

“We’ve talked about this, Scout,” Alice said carefully. “I’m not leaving until I think you’re ready.”

“Can’t you for five seconds think that maybe your being here is making it worse? I mean, what am I supposed to do, just watch you and Bob living happily right in front of me? You want to show me up close how Duff was a horrible husband and Bob is the shit? Maybe I’ll start to see things your way. Is that what you were thinking? That Bob and I will be buds and I’ll forget Duff ever lived?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. What happened this afternoon? Did Jayson do something to upset you?”

“Yes! It seems he won’t leave me alone, either. For my own good, of course.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alice asked, putting down the knife and wiping her hands with a dishtowel.

“With you? No! Haven’t you been listening? All I want is for you to leave me alone.”

“That’s not going to happen. Some day you’ll be a mother and you’ll understand.”

“No, I won’t. Because I am never doing this love thing again. So I will never be a mother. You can bank on that.”

And then it hit her. She was never going to have Jayson’s baby. They were never going to teach their kids how to play baseball. Because she was never going to take that risk.

Feeling the tears coming, Scout abandoned her quest to get her mother to leave and instead headed for the safety of her bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind her, she sank to the floor and let the tears come. Tears for Duff, tears for Jayson, tears for the kids she was never going to have because the pain of loving people was just too much.

“Elizabeth?”

“Go away,” Scout said to her mother, who had followed her up to her room. There was no way in hell she was getting inside, though. Back when Scout lived with her mother after the divorce this was their most common method of communication. With a door in between them.

“Honey, I know you’re hurting. I know you think the world is against you right now. But I know how smart you are. So I know you’re going to eventually realize there is a reason Samantha and I aren’t leaving you. There is a reason Jayson wants you to know he’s here for you, too.”