Grievous Sin

Decker marveled at how well the old man coped. Was it a skill he picked up because he survived the camps, or did he survive the camps because he had the skill? Decker sometimes wondered how he would have done if he’d been forced to live through the torture. Probably would have fallen apart, if the present was any indication.

“You go down to the gift shop with your opah, boys. I’m going to try to find out what’s going on.”

Marge said, “Let me ask—”

“No, I’ll ask—”

“Pete—”

“Marge, let me handle it my way.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“That’s not neces—”

“C’mon, Pete. Let’s go.”

“Marge, maybe you should stay with Magda.”

“No, you go ahead with her, Akiva.” Magda stood and brushed off her pants. “When Stefan says God say she’ll be okay, she’ll be okay. Cindy and I maybe go see the baby.”

Cindy’s face suddenly became animated. It was wonderful to see her spontaneous burst of joy. It reminded Decker that this was supposed to be a happy occasion. “Can we really see the baby?”

“I don’t know, Cindy.” Magda hooked her arm around Cindy. “We find out.”

“You can’t go behind the double doors,” a middle-aged woman in a white uniform told them. “I’m sorry. Staff only.”

Marge took out her badge. “Police, ma’am.”

The woman backed away. “Oh … okay. I thought …”

Decker didn’t give her a chance to fill in the blank. He took off down the long corridors and didn’t stop until it dawned on him that he didn’t know where he was.

“Is this Maternity, Pete?”

“I don’t know.” He grabbed his head. “God, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m freaking myself out.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Margie, my stomach feels like vinegar.” He bit on the ends of his mustache. “They took her into a delivery room.”

“We can’t exactly waltz into delivery rooms making inquiries, Pete.”

“That wasn’t my intention, Marge.”

“I know. I didn’t mean to sound snide.” Marge stopped a young kid in scrubs and asked for directions to Maternity. Down the hall to the right.

Decker left without thanking the kid, forcing Marge to trot just to keep up with him. But Decker knew she was smart enough not to say anything about his behavior. The woman had picked up some salient points after working with him for six years. Decker found the set of double doors leading to the labor rooms and went inside. The flooring had gone from carpet to linoleum with geometrical designs, and felt cold under his paper-muled feet. Still gowned up, for all the nurses knew he might have been an expectant father on a coffee break instead of an interloper.

The nurses’ reception area was empty, except for a woman in blue scrubs in the back office talking to someone holding a broomstick—either a janitor or a witch. The corridor was devoid of people, which surprised him. When he’d brought Rina in, the hallway had been well populated. But that was during the daytime. It was almost nine, and most of the ancillary staff went home by five. The nighttime floor nurses must be occupied with women in labor.

Next to the nurses’ station was a lab room, its counters stocked with scopes, slides, and vials. A large industrial sink was mounted on the wall—stainless steel with a deep bowl like the ones at the morgue. The recollection made him shudder. Past the lab, down the hallway began a series of doors leading to the labor rooms. He peeked through one of the windows, feeling a little voyeuristic, and saw a woman, her bloated belly hooked up to machines, face contorted in pain. Through the closed door, he could hear panting, then an agonizing moan.

Stretches of empty pale pink corridor, the smell of antiseptics, hallways echoing feral growls—a real house of horrors. Maybe this was a nightmare. He was going to wake up any minute and find Rina safe, asleep at his side. A tap on his shoulder made him jump, reminded him this was all too real.

Georgina—her eyes on Marge.

“Excuse me, miss, but this is a restricted area.”

“I’m just accompanying Sergeant Decker. He’s wondering what’s going on with his wife.”

“I’ll be happy to help Sergeant Decker,” Georgina said. “Would you like directions out of here? It can be a maze.”

Marge nodded. Georgina directed her down the hallway and told her to follow the Exit signs. They’d lead her back to the lobby. Marge thanked her, threw Decker a sympathetic look, turned, and walked away.

Decker managed a sidelong glance at Georgina, feeling assertive and sheepish at the same time. “I was just wondering …”

Georgina took his arm. “Let’s go talk somewhere else. Hallways aren’t conducive to conversation.”

She took him inside the nurses’ station, giving him a seat at the front desk. The woman in the blue scrubs and the woman with the broomstick were still deep in conversation. There was a series of numbered monitors against the back wall, each one making audible beeps at different tempos. At least the pitch was the same. Hanging on the right wall was a blackboard with the labor rooms’ numbers, the name of the patient, doctor, and any specifics. Decker found Rina’s number. After her name was delivered, then the letters or along with the names of three doctors.

“She’s still in the operating room?” Decker asked.

“Yes, she’s being operated on,” Georgina said flatly. “I don’t know the nature or the extent of the procedure. All I know is they called in a couple of scrub nurses and an anesthesiologist. I’ll let you know more—”

“Are they doing a D and C?”

“I don’t know exactly—”

“Is she still bleeding?”

Georgina gave that all-too-telling pause. “I’m sure everything’s being done to control her situation.”

“Is she in imminent danger?”

“She’s in good hands—”

“That’s not what I asked you.” Decker stood, then felt his knees buckle. “God, I’m going to be sick.”

Georgina helped him back into the chair. She heard a high-pitched continuous beep and turned to one of the monitors. “I have to check on someone. You just sit there, okay? I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Decker nodded. Head down, he watched spots of light dance on his lap. He raised his chin, felt his head swim. Catching sight of something in blue paper garb marching down the corridor, he leapt up and caught her by the arm. The woman immediately backed away. Her head was still covered by a cap, but her face mask dangled by strings around her neck like an undersized bib. Her name tag said dr. wallace.

“Are you with my wife?” Decker whispered.

The woman looked at her arm still in Decker’s clutches. “Who’s your wife?”

“Rina Decker.”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.”

Decker released the woman’s arm. “My God, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Mr. Decker, I understand.”

Decker regarded her eyes—intense and purposeful, but not the kind of eyes that were about to deliver tragic news. Man, he’d seen that look before.

“Your wife is being operated on—”

“I know that. How is she?”

“She’s holding, but she’s lost some blood, Mr. Decker. We already gave her a pint of her own blood. She was smart enough to donate autologously before she went into labor. But she’s going to need more—another couple of pints. Before we start with the banks, we were hoping she might have a blood relative who can donate. Matched relatives are always your best bet for good takes on transfusions.”

“Her parents are here.”

“Then let’s go test them.”

Decker started to walk, but stumbled. This time it was Dr. Wallace who caught his arm. “Do you need to sit?”

“No.” Decker cursed his weakness and commanded his legs to be steady. “She has her sons out there. I don’t want to scare them.”

“Frankly, this could scare them.”

“It’s bad?”

“Don’t panic, Mr. Decker, I just don’t have anything definitive to tell you right now. Uncertainty is very scary for little kids. For you, too. But Dr. Hendricks is the best. And he’s as cool as a cucumber, in total control.”

Decker felt his throat clog. He picked up his pace, trying to keep step with Dr. Wallace. “What should I do about my boys? They’re perceptive.”

“How about if I talk to the parents, and you occupy your boys?”

“They’re going to want to know what’s going on. What do I say?” Decker ran his hands over his face. “God, I can’t believe …”

“She’s in very good hands.”

“If I hear that one more time, I’m going to throw up! How serious is her condition?”

“It’s serious.”

“Life-threatening?”

“It’s serious. Let’s leave it at that for now.”

“God, this is just a nightmare.” He heard his voice crack. “Is this unusual?”

“Not as unusual as you might think.”

They had reached the lobby. As luck would have it, the group was all there. Stefan had returned with the boys from the gift shop. Cindy and Magda were deep in conversation. Marge was leaning against the wall next to the complimentary coffeepot. She was the first to notice and pointed the others in his direction. Again he was met with expectant faces. But this time there were no smiles. Decker took Dr. Wallace over to the group.

“She need …” Again his throat swelled. “She could use some blood from a relative.”

Slowly, Rina’s parents rose. “Where do we go?” Stefan asked calmly.

“Come, I’ll take you,” Dr. Wallace said.

Sammy spoke up. “I want to come.”

Dr. Wallace said, “You have to be seventeen to donate blood.”

“I am seventeen,” Sammy persisted. “I’m small for my age. I already have a complex. Don’t make it worse.”

“I want to come, too,” Jake piped in.

“Boys, just stay here,” Decker said weakly.

Sammy yelled, “I want to help my mother, damn it!”

Decker was taken aback by the force of Sammy’s voice. Magda took him under the crook of her arm. “He can come with us, no?”

Dr. Wallace sighed. “You seem big enough. Won’t hurt to give you a pinprick.” She looked at Cindy.

Decker said, “She’s my daughter … Rina’s stepdaughter … not a blood relative.”

Dr. Wallace said, “So you’ll watch your pop for me?”

Cindy nodded.

“Come along. Let’s go help your mom.” Dr. Wallace started her speed walk. In the distance, Decker heard her ask what the boys’ names were. He couldn’t hear if they answered her. Either they were too far away or their voices were too weak.

Slowly, Decker lowered himself onto the couch. Marge sat at his right, Cindy at his left. She held his arm and kissed his bicep. Decker turned to her and tried out a smile.

“It’ll be okay, Dad,” she said. “Do you need anything?”

His initial reaction was nothing, but then he gave the matter some thought. “Princess, would you mind getting me something to eat? I think there’s a vending machine with fruit on the first floor. How about an apple and a banana?”

“Got it.” Cindy stood. “Do you want anything, Marge?”

“An apple sounds great.”

“On the double.”

Cindy did a jog to the elevator. When she was out of sight, Decker slumped back on the couch and closed his eyes.

“Do you want some coffee, Pete?” Marge asked.

“Nothing, thanks.”

“What did the doctor say?”

“It’s serious, Margie … I’m scared.”

He swabbed his wet cheeks with his fingers. She hugged his shoulder but didn’t speak. Decker was grateful for the silence.

3

It wasn’t as if she was narcissistic or anything as psychologically disturbed as that. It was just that hers was a body worth looking at. Like admiring a work of art.

Because that was what she was—a work of art.

Stripped down naked, sweat glistening from smooth, bronzed skin, she regarded herself in the mirror. Perfect round, pronounced breasts because of the developed pecs underneath. The just rewards of really hard work. She’d gained shape without gaining an ounce of fat. She patted her flat abdomen, did a couple of arm rolls, then ran through a couple of poses—all sleek, defined muscle.

Definitely, she had developed the definition—the cut!

She swiped her damp body with a thick white Turkish towel, then wrapped it around her trunk, eyes never leaving the mirror. Short wisps of downy-fine facial hair ran down her cheek parallel to her ear—peach-fuzz sideburns. It went with the territory. At least it was blond. Good thing, because her coloring was naturally dark.

She unclipped her hair, and black satin fell to her shoulders.

Exotic. That’s what everyone had said about her. She was exotic-looking.

Again she studied her reflection in the silver glass.

In only two years, she had turned from a nothing into a something. From a tall, shapeless form to a Greek sculpture. But she was so much more than just a perfect body. With the discipline had come the control—real control. Not the artificial kind that comes when the mind is altered by chemicals. Drugs that hide but don’t cure. Now she was in control. Her mind was as disciplined as an army general’s, as meticulously organized as a dictionary. She was master of her destiny. There was nothing she couldn’t conquer, nothing she couldn’t overcome.

Best of all, the voices had stopped.

The door opened and closed. In the mirror, she saw him coming at her. This time it was Eric. He was naked, his biceps like veined footballs. He duck-walked to her, his thighs so buffed they had rubbed the inner skin raw.

She didn’t bother to turn around, just dropped on all fours.

He stood behind her, then dropped to his knees and slapped her rear.

“Are you ready for it, babe?”

“Ready, willing, and able.”

“You really want it?”

“I really want it.”

“Say it again.”

“I really want it!”

“Say it with conviction!” Again Eric slapped her ass, his leathery hand stinging her hide. “I want to hear conviction!”

She smiled. She liked Eric. He was gentle.

“I said I really, really want it!”

“Get mean, Tandy! I want to hear mean!”

“I really, really want it! Give it to me now, or I’ll blow your toes off!”

Eric laughed. “Blow my toes off?”

“One! At! A! Time!” she yelled. “Give it to me, Eric!”

“I can’t hear you!”

“Give it to me now!”

“Still can’t hear you!”

“Give it to me!” she screamed, feeling the heat in her face.

“Still, still can’t hear you!”

“GIVE IT TO ME, DAMN IT! GIVE IT TO ME, NOW!”

“Atta girl, babe! Now that’s conviction!”

She closed her eyes, then held her breath until she felt the quick thrust of the needle in her butt. Slowly, she blew out air, feeling the surge in her body.

In control.

She grinned.

Life was good!

4

It tasted like wet sand. Decker didn’t know if it was the apple itself or his taste buds, but he ate it just to be polite. Cindy was worried about him, so he wanted to exhibit some normal behavior. As if doing routine things might suddenly turn the ordeal into something routine. His daughter and partner watched him chew. He became aware of the workings of his jaw, and it made his teeth hurt. He swallowed dryly and took his daughter’s hand.

“Thanks, princess.”

Marge stood. “You sit. I’ll get you some coffee.”

Decker nodded. Passivity was a role he seldom played, but he couldn’t summon enough strength to think on his own.

“This is the worst part, Daddy. The waiting.” Cindy hesitated a beat. “Maybe I should check to see if the baby’s been assigned to a nursery yet?”

“That would be great.”

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

Marge came back with the coffee.

“She’s a good kid, your daughter.”

“The best.”

“How was it having her for the summer?”

“Terrific. I think being needed has done wonders for her self-confidence. She’s been an enormous help to Rina these past couple of weeks … drove the boys all around. I’ll be sorry to see her leave.”

“How did she like her first year away?”

“She liked Columbia enough to go back. I think she enjoyed herself.”

“The typical college experience, huh?”

“Yeah, complete with bouts of exhilaration and depression—usually one right after the other.”

“Does she have a major?”

“Not yet. But she mentioned something about criminal sciences or whatever they call it back there.”

“Wonder where that came from?”

“As long as it’s not direct fieldwork, I’m all for it.”

“Sexist.”

“Parentist. I wouldn’t want my boys to be cops, either.” He ran his hand over his face. “God, this is just hell! What’s keeping the others? How much blood could Rina possibly need? Maybe I should look for them.”

He started to rise, but Marge pushed him back.

“Don’t spin your wheels, Pete. Stay here in case someone has some news for you.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Decker’s stomach juices were an ocean of nausea. “What’s taking them so goddamn long?”

He bounced up and began to pace. Marge didn’t try to stop him. At loose ends herself, she picked up a hospital magazine on parenting and absently flipped through the pages. All these pictures of smiling parents holding their newborn tykes. It made her feel very old and very single. She read an article on infant jaundice, learned more about the liver and bilirubin then she ever wanted to know. She had just about read the periodical cover to cover when Cindy returned, sporting a wide grin. Pete didn’t even notice her. Too busy flattening the carpet nap.

“What’s up, kiddo?” Marge asked.

“God, she’s huge!”

Decker stared at Cindy. It took him a moment to realize where he was. “Who’s huge?”

“Your daughter, Daddy. She’s at least twice the size of any of the other kids in the nursery. And she’s definitely the most alert—eyes wide open. You want to see her?”

“Now that sounds like a good idea,” Marge said.

Decker shook his head. “I don’t want the others to come back and find me gone.”

“So I’ll wait here,” Marge said.

Decker shook his head. “I just can’t … not now. Not … feeling the way I do.”

“I understand, Daddy. I just wanted you to know how great she’s doing.”

Decker felt tears in his eyes and rubbed them away. “Thank you, princess. I appreciate it.”

Cindy stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “You want to see her, Marge? She’s in Nursery J.”

“I think I should wait with your dad.”

“No, go ahead, Marge,” Decker said. “Tell me she’s beautiful.”

“She is beautiful,” Cindy said.

“No, Pete, I’ll wait with you,” Marge said. “Watch you run a track in the carpet.”

“It’s better than punching out walls,” Decker said.

“Infinitely,” Marge said.

Cindy tapped her foot. “Well, if I’m not needed, maybe I’ll go back and visit the baby again. If the nurse’ll let me near her. She’s real weird!”

“In what way?” Marge asked.

“Actually, it was sort of my fault. I was so excited to see the baby. She’s right in the front of the window. I was playing with her, tapping on the glass. Then all of a sudden she started crying … all alone.” Cindy pouted. “So I went inside the nursery and asked if like, maybe someone could pick her up. For no reason, the nurse started screaming at me that she wasn’t anyone’s personal nanny, and if I didn’t leave instantly, I was going to infect all the babies. She made me feel like Typhoid Cindy. I wasn’t even near them!”

“Nurses sometimes get a little territorial,” Marge said.

“Yeah, you should have heard her rant when I asked if I could hold my sister. She started interrogating me: Just who was I, and what was my business with the baby anyway?”

“They have to be cautious, Cindy.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I figured if Dad came and said I was okay …” Cindy shrugged. “It’s not the right time. I’ll just go back and play with her through the window … if Marie doesn’t boot me away.”

“Marie’s the nurse?”

“Ms. Prune Face in white.”

Decker came over to them. “Ms. Prune Face in white?”

Cindy said, “The nurse who gave me a hard time about holding my sister.”

“What?” Decker said. “When was this?”

“Just a moment ago.”

“Why’d she give you a hard time?”

“Because she’s a weirdo.”

Marge said, “Cindy went into the nursery without being suited up. The nurse might have overreacted a little.”

“I wasn’t in the actual part where the babies were.”

“Cindy, please don’t make waves,” Decker said. “Not now, hon, okay?”

Cindy nodded and kissed her father’s cheek. “You really should see your new daughter, Daddy. She’s beautiful—all pink and bundled. And she has a loud, healthy cry. I could hear it through the window.”

“Wonderful,” Marge muttered.

“Keep an eye on her for me,” Decker said. “Just …”

“I know,” Cindy said. “I’ll keep it muzzled until we’re all back to normal. I can swim with that.”

Magda was carrying an armload of cellophane-wrapped snacks. Sammy was sandwiched between his brother and grandfather, his head resting against the old man’s side. Stefan had his arm around Sam’s waist. Sam’s complexion was pasty; his gait was slow and clumsy. Decker ran over and swooped the boy in his arms.

“Good Lord, what’s wrong?”

“I alone gave blood,” Sammy whispered. “That’s because I’m a manly, manly man.”

Decker smiled. Since his bar mitzvah, whenever there was a task requiring some physical strength, Sammy would always volunteer to do it, claiming that now he was a manly man. Decker placed his stepson on the couch.

“If you’re Dracula, I already gave at the office,” Sammy said.

“Very funny.” Decker brushed chestnut-colored bangs off the boy’s forehead. “What took you so long?”

“They wouldn’t let him go for a half hour,” Stefan said. “I think they really didn’t believe he was seventeen.”

“He isn’t seventeen!” Decker heard the raw anxiety in his voice. “Why’d you let him do it?”

“They had no choice,” Sammy said. “I insisted.”

“Nu, the boy has a mind of his own,” Stefan said.

“He needs to eat things with sugar, Akiva,” said Magda. “He don’t drink. Tell him to drink.”

Decker propped up his son’s head. “Drink, Sammy.”

“I’m full.”

“Then eat cookie,” Magda insisted.

“It’s not kosher,” Sammy pronounced.

“It’s made with vegetable shortening—”

“It doesn’t have hasgacha.”

Decker said, “I don’t care if it’s made out of pig’s feet, Sam, eat the damn cookie! Got it?”

“Yes, sir.” Sammy took the cookie and began to nibble on the edge. His face had suddenly regained a smidgen of color, and he seemed calm. Decker wondered if his sudden stern command had given the kid a sense that he was in control.

Stefan said, “We buy a pack of cards. Jake and I play poker. You want me to deal you in a round?”

“No thanks, Stefan,” Decker said.

“Then just we two play.” The old man looked at Jake. “What do we use for betting, Yonkie? I have box of Raisinettes.”

“Raisinettes are fine, Opah,” Jake answered back.

Magda said, “You don’t hear anything, Akiva?”

Decker shook his head.

“Where’s Cindy?”

“She went to visit the baby,” Marge said.

“The baby’s in the nursery?” Magda said.

“Yeah. Would you like me to take you there?”

“That would be nice.”

Marge smiled to herself. Mrs. Elias’s words came out Tat vood be nice. Her accent, along with the coiffed blue-black hair, heavy gold rings, and expensive clothes, suggested something untouchable. Perhaps under other circumstances, the woman would be aloof. But now she exuded an unmistakable warmth.

“Let’s go,” Marge said.

Magda said, “You feed Sammy, Akiva. Make sure he drinks.”

Decker said he would, noticing a gleam in his mother-in-law’s eyes. She was excited about the baby, and that was good. But his moment of relative quiescence was cut short by a figure draped in surgical greens coming through the double doors. The man’s step was quick and determined. His feet shuffled against the carpet. He threw his hand behind his neck and undid his mask as he walked. Decker recognized Dr. Hendricks and felt his knees buckle. Marge grabbed his arm.