Earth to Hell

‘Don’t worry, we’ll think of something suitably outrageous,’ I said.

‘Excellent,’ General Qin said.

The Tiger stopped next to Simone and looked up at her; he was so big he didn’t need to lift his head far. ‘You sure you want to do this?’

‘Oh, yes,’ Simone said, and we stepped through the doors into the hall.

Massive red pillars intricately carved with phoenixes and dragons held up the roof, which towered above us. A smaller roof was set above some clerestory windows that allowed the brilliant Celestial sunshine to light up the interior of the hall. The throne at the end, with its gold silk cushions, must have been nearly ten metres wide, raised on a dais three metres above the floor.

The way to the throne was marked by a gold carpet on the grey stone, with ornamental lanterns on either side at intervals of about two metres. A large number of Celestials had gathered on either side of the aisle, all watching us.

Well then, let’s give them a show, Simone said.

General Qin came in behind us to announce our presence. ‘Holy Bodhisattva Kwan Yin. Lord Bai Hu, White Tiger of the West. Princess Simone, only human daughter of the Dark Lord of the Northern Heavens. Lady Emma Donahoe, Promised of the Dark Lord, Regent in His Absence.’ He added silently, Go get’em, girls.

‘Don’t encourage them,’ Bai Hu whispered, a throaty rasp.

Simone and I walked towards the throne, the ranks of silent Celestials watching us from either side. Bai Hu and Kwan Yin followed us, also silent. We both tried to appear as casual and confident as possible, but Simone’s breathing was as ragged as my own.

Large gold screens carved with five-toed dragons stood behind the throne, and a General guarded it on one side, but I could hardly see the Jade Emperor himself, it was such a long walk.

As we approached, he came into focus. Yep, our friendly lowly official, Mr Wong. Now he was resplendently decked out in a Tang-style wraparound robe of brilliantly gold Imperial silk embroidered with five-toed dragons, and wore an Imperial hat with a square brim and beads that hung in front of his eyes so nobody could see them.

The guard at the Jade Emperor’s right hand was the Second Heavenly General, Er Lang. He was in True Form: a massive three-metre-high young human wearing pale green and gold armour and a war helmet. He had three eyes; his third eye was open and appeared as a lashless eye in the centre of his forehead. He held a halberd as big as those of the door gods. A black dog stood at his side, watching with disdain as we approached.

We fell to our knees at the base of the dais and touched our foreheads to the floor. ‘Wen sui, wen sui, wen wen sui,’ we said. I nearly grimaced; imagine wishing an Immortal ten thousand times ten thousand years of life.

We waited for the Jade Emperor to tell us to rise. He didn’t.

We waited with our foreheads on the floor, not looking at him, but still he didn’t say a word. All I needed: a power game.

‘Rise,’ the Jade Emperor finally said after an uncomfortable couple of minutes, and both Simone and I pulled ourselves to our feet.

‘You are ordered to take True Form in the presence of the Jade Emperor,’ Er Lang said loudly.

Neither Simone nor I said anything or moved.

‘Take True Form!’ Er Lang shouted.

‘These are our True Forms,’ I said.

‘Simone —’ Bai Hu began.

‘Shut up, Bai Hu,’ Simone said.

There was the very faintest rustle of movement through the hall. Nobody said a word, but they were restless and their slight movements made the silk of their robes hiss.

The Jade Emperor’s face didn’t shift from its expressionless mask. ‘Lady Emma Donahoe.’

I saluted him, bowing slightly. ‘Celestial Majesty.’

‘You claim that the form I see here is your True Form?’

‘That I do, Celestial Majesty.’

‘Princess Simone,’ the Emperor said.

Simone saluted. ‘Celestial Majesty.’

‘You too?’

She bowed slightly and saluted again. ‘Celestial Majesty.’

The silk rustle in the hall became slightly louder, then faded again.

‘Er Lang,’ the Jade Emperor said.

‘Lady Emma Donahoe is ordered to take True Form,’ Er Lang said without looking at me.

‘As the Celestial Majesty wishes,’ I said, and didn’t change. I just stood quietly at the base of the dais.

‘This is not your True Form!’ Er Lang shouted.

‘This is the way I was born. This is the way I wish to be perceived. This is the true me,’ I said. ‘This is my True Form. Any other form I could take would not be me.’

The rustling became louder and a series of hushed whispers rippled through the hall then quickly settled to silence.

‘Er Lang,’ the Jade Emperor said again.

‘Princess Simone, daughter of Xuan Tian Shang Di, is ordered to take Celestial Form,’ Er Lang said.

Simone hesitated.

‘Do it, dear,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘You have a Celestial Form. You have been ordered. Do it.’

Simone made a short, clipped whimpering sound and changed. She gathered all of the darkness in the hall and wrapped it around her, completely hiding herself from view. The darkness grew and became more massive. A spreading, seeping cold emanated from her and the air around her filled with ice. The darkness exploded out from her in a silent eruption and dissipated. Her Celestial Form became visible.

The voices in the hall erupted to a roar, then quickly faded.

Her livery was deep blue, almost black, and shining gold. She was nearly four metres tall, and her golden-brown hair swept around her, so long it lay on the floor. Much of it floated in a breeze that wasn’t there. Her skin shone translucent in the light; a delicate honey brown. Her enormous golden eyes glowed with wisdom far beyond her years. She appeared to be about twenty-five years old. Her deep blue robes flowed around her, decorated with a thousand tiny pinpoints of golden light, like stars. She was breathtakingly beautiful, more like a force of nature than a young woman.

‘Can you call Seven Stars, Simone?’ the Jade Emperor said.

Simone held out one slim arm and the sword appeared in her hand. The scabbard was black, the hilt was white, and the sword was nearly two metres long. It fitted her perfectly. She lowered her hand and held the sword in front of her. She truly appeared as a goddess with the sword in her hand and an expression of detached ferocity on her face.

‘Good,’ the Jade Emperor said. He rose from the throne and stood before us on the dais with his hands clasped behind his back. ‘What is it you have come to see me about?’

I bowed slightly. ‘Leo Alexander, Retainer of the Dark Lord, is held in Hell at your pleasure,’ I said. ‘We would like your permission, Celestial Majesty, to go and talk to him about accepting Immortality and returning to us.’

‘Why should he do this for you when so many of my staff have been unable to convince him?’

‘Because he loves us,’ Simone said in a voice of sharpened honey.

He smiled slightly. ‘Anything else?’

‘I request the freedom of the Golden Boy, child of the Jade Building Block, and the Jade Girl, eighty-second daughter of the Dragon King.’

Simone glanced at me.

‘And that’s all?’ the Emperor said.

‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Uh, yes, Celestial Majesty.’

‘Return to your normal form, Simone.’

Simone changed back and we shared a small sigh of relief.

‘Meet me in the Imperial Private Offices in one hour, together with your sponsors. Concluded. Dismissed.’ He returned to the throne.

We fell to our knees again. ‘Wen sui, wen sui, wen wen sui.’

‘Supplicants are permitted to depart,’ Er Lang said.

We backed away for about ten metres, then turned and walked out of the hall with every eye in the place boring into our backs. I could tell from the way Simone walked that she wanted to run out of there as much as I did.

‘What in Heaven possessed you two to do something like that?’ the Tiger shouted. He paced in front of us with his hands clasped behind his back.

Ms Kwan had also returned to human form. She sat at the dining table, as serene as ever. She waved one hand and summoned a pot of tea. ‘Sit. Drink tea. All will be well, Ah Bai.’

The Tiger stopped and glared at her. ‘Don’t encourage them.’ He turned his attention back to me. ‘What if you’d been ordered to take demon form? What would you have done then?’

‘Refused again.’

The Tiger paced once more. ‘I’m glad you weren’t ordered to then. Defying an order from the Celestial once is bad enough; twice would have got you executed. And you.’ He rounded on Simone. ‘You should have refused. Or at least taken something less impressive. God, Simone, what a stupid thing to do.’

‘That is less impressive,’ Simone said. ‘That’s the smallest one I can do. In the full version, I’m more than three metres tall, as big as Daddy’s biggest Celestial Form. The robes appear like space; the gold stars really are stars. My eyes are even bigger and freaking black. And the yin hangs around my hair like some sort of freaking cloak, freezing the air wherever I go. It’s huge.’

‘Shit.’ The Tiger began pacing again. ‘You sure your mother was human? Every Immortal in Heaven is going to be after your hand, my girl. If I saw you like that, and I didn’t love your father like a brother, I’d be after you in a second myself.’ He shook his head. ‘What a fucking disaster.’

Mr Wong tapped on the door and came in. He smiled like a kindly grandfather and we all glowered at him.

‘Well done, ladies. But you should have taken the full version, Simone. Maybe later, eh? Come on up and have some nice tea with me, and we’ll talk about it.’

Bai Hu stood threateningly over Mr Wong. ‘Don’t you dare let anybody grab this little girl, Ah Ting. She’s just a child.’

‘Calm down, Ah Bai, don’t get your whiskers in a twist. I’ll protect them, don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.’ He glanced at me, his eyes sparkling. ‘Come on up to my apartment and we’ll have a little chat.’

‘It’s about time someone reminded that bunch of stiffarsed old farts exactly what it means to pursue the Tao,’ the Jade Emperor said amiably. He poured the tea and we all tapped the table in thanks. ‘See? You show respect in exactly the right amount required, at the time it is required, and not more. And when the order is a stupid one, you make your feelings clear. The most senior Celestials are aware of your serpent form, Emma. They were fully expecting you to take it, even though you made it clear that you regard your human form as your True Form.’ He sighed with feeling. ‘So many blindly follow orders purely to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Lazy. Now.’ He picked up his teacup, brushing his long sleeve out of the way. ‘Leo Alexander. Stupid bastard. Entirely much more trouble than he is worth. I know why you did it, Lady, but he has still been a massive thorn in my side for many years.’

Kwan Yin nodded silently.

He sipped his tea. ‘You certainly have my permission to try your best to pull Leo out. Go for it. If you can persuade him out of Hell, I’d be very happy indeed.’

‘I wasn’t expecting this to be so easy after all the bureaucracy we’ve had to go through,’ I said.

The Emperor smiled slightly. ‘We thought we would be able to fix this without the intervention of a mortal such as yourself. It makes us look very, very bad to have to call you in on this. The Celestial should be able to handle this type of thing.’

‘Leo’s very stubborn when he wants to be,’ I said.

The Emperor raised his teacup to me. ‘That he is. And thoroughly Worthy. I am looking forward to seeing him take his place here among the Immortals.’

‘He’s black and gay, Ah Ting,’ Bai Hu said.

We all stared at Bai Hu with astonishment, even the Jade Emperor.

‘I’m just saying,’ Bai Hu said with a shrug. ‘He’d be the first.’

I turned back to the Jade Emperor. ‘He’d be the first gay Immortal? Is it allowed? I know the tradition …’

‘Humankind is very fond of rules,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Very fond of putting things into little boxes and sticking labels on them. Yang is masculine; yin is feminine. Therefore all males must be yang and be attracted to females. Despite the fact that the universe is obviously not built that way, humans insist on creating their little boxes and pushing things into them even when it’s quite plain that they don’t fit.’ He poured more tea. ‘The nature of the Tao is the true nature of all. If a man is attracted to other men and that is his nature, then how can he pursue the Tao without pursuing that nature? Ridiculous.’

‘So it’s not an issue?’ I said.

‘Of course not,’ the Emperor said. ‘There are plenty of gay Immortals, there always have been. The minute you stick a label on something it loses its true nature and you move further away from the Tao, which is nameless.’

‘But he’s black,’ Bai Hu said.

‘I have the sudden urge to rap you sharply across the nose, cat,’ the Emperor said.

‘He’s not Eastern, I meant,’ Bai Hu said. ‘It’s not the colour, it’s the location. I mean, we’ve had Westerners gain Immortality here before …’ His voice trailed off. He raised his hands in defeat. ‘Okay. I just made my own point. Shutting up now.’

‘You aren’t just a sexist pig, you’re a racist one as well,’ I said with wonder.

‘The hell I am,’ the Tiger said. ‘He doesn’t belong to this Corner of the World. He should be Raised to Immortality in the United States, his home. He should reside on his own Celestial Plane.’

‘What about me?’ I said.

‘You too. If you were to gain Immortality, you should do it in the South, where you belong, and live in the Southern Celestial Plane.’

‘What about me?’ Simone said.

The Tiger opened his mouth and closed it again.

‘Oh, very well,’ the Emperor said. ‘But this is strictly for your ears only, you are not to share it with anyone. The Elder of the Southern Shen and I have been in contact for about ten years. We’re arranging a conference in a neutral territory, probably Antarctica. As soon as we contact the Western, African and North and South American Shen we’ll start making arrangements. We’ll probably do it when Ah Wu’s back and he can do the security in conjunction with each group’s people. We’ll thrash out a reciprocal agreement.’

‘Not North, South, East and West Shen?’ I said.

‘No, the Eastern and Western thing is just for convenience,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Actually, each continent has its own Shen, divided by the ocean or desert. So there aren’t actually any Northern Shen, unless you count Ah Wu who is the essence of the North itself.’ He shrugged. ‘Hardly anybody lives up there anyway — people there fit into their own region. So basically it will be a meeting of Shen from the six continents, and when we get together we’ll probably start formal naming and reciprocal diplomatic arrangements.’

‘What, Shen UN?’ I said.

The Jade Emperor made a soft sound of amusement. ‘Yes. Now that travelling between the Corners is becoming common, we need to deal with the matter of mortals attaining Immortality in a Centre outside their own. If they choose to reside in a different Celestial Plane, the option to do so should be open to them. Leo is a classic example of this; he is in the first hundred or so black people who have been through our Hell, and the first to gain Immortality in our Centre. Until now, we have had very little contact with other Celestials. The time has come that we should make an arrangement for free movement between the Planes.’

‘The demons are moving as well,’ I said. ‘Look at these stone things.’

‘Precisely,’ the Emperor said with feeling. ‘Mixing Western mystical stones with Eastern demons. And the biotech that One Two Two was experimenting with …’ He glared at the Tiger. ‘Absolutely not acceptable.’

‘I don’t do anything like that,’ the Tiger said. ‘My kids are just studying them. Just having a look. Working out what makes them tick.’

‘As long as that’s all it is,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Supervise your scientists closely. Interfere with the demons’ true nature and Er Lang will land on you so hard you’ll think your nose is your tail.’

Bai Hu saluted. ‘Celestial Majesty. I agree with you anyway.’

‘Jade and Gold,’ I said.

‘Ah.’ The Emperor leaned back. ‘Do you know why they are bound into servitude?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘They’re both obviously embarrassed about it, and I haven’t pushed the point.’

‘They deserved it,’ the Tiger said. ‘They should have spent the time in Hell.’

‘I didn’t see you charging out of the West to defend the honour of the Qing,’ the Emperor said.

‘You issued the goddamn edict telling us not to interfere yourself, Ah Ting,’ the Tiger said.

The Jade Emperor thumped his hand on the table. ‘That is the third time you have called me that, Bai Hu. Call me Ah Ting again and I will have you executed! I gained this appointment through cultivation and merit and that story is a lie! You are walking a very fine line!’

The Tiger grinned and saluted.

The Jade Emperor turned back to us, serene again. ‘In 1843, a young man by the name of Robert Fortune sneaked into China. He wanted to free our nation from the scourge of the opium trade. You know about that?’

Both Simone and I nodded.

The Jade Emperor continued. ‘The opium trade was purely because of the tea. Young Robert thought that if he could grow tea in a territory of the British Empire, then the traders would no longer need to sell the opium in China to pay for the tea.’

‘He stole the tea,’ I said. ‘There was a show on the History Channel a while ago.’

‘I saw that too, it was very good,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Anyway, he travelled the tea plantations looking for owners who would be patriotic enough to help end this destructive trade. He was aided by a young woman who was both powerful and naïve.’

‘Not Jade,’ Simone said.

‘Yes. Jade took the young man to a plantation owned by a Shen. You might say the Shen had inherited the plantation when his demon master was destroyed. The Shen, being just as naïve as the young lady, provided Mr Fortune with seeds, plants and tame demons to cultivate them in the British Imperial Territory of India.’

‘Demon master?’ Simone said. ‘Gold was bound to a demon?’

‘He lost a bet and was bound into the demon’s servitude,’ the Emperor said. ‘The demon was destroyed, Gold was freed and he escaped with the deeds to a tea plantation the demon owned. He gave Robert Fortune the tea — directly in defiance of an edict issued by me that no Celestial was to interfere in human affairs during that time of conflict.’

‘The economy collapsed when the tea trade dried up,’ I said. ‘And opium addicts with no supply filled the streets. It caused the Boxer Rebellion.’ I inhaled sharply as I understood. ‘The Boxers worshipped John. They believed that Xuan Wu made them invincible. Gold helped cause the Rebellion. The civil war afterwards brought down the freaking Qing dynasty.’

‘And led to a century of turmoil that our nation could barely afford,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘If we had retained control of the tea trade, it is possible we could have salvaged minor economic independence. As it was, we were at the mercy of the rest of the world. The West and Japan both moved in and carved us up. When they left, there was civil war again. You know the story.’

‘Gold did this,’ Simone said. ‘He gave Robert Fortune the tea.’

‘And Jade helped him,’ the Emperor said. ‘I knew what I was doing when I issued that order. They should have known better than to defy me; I work only for the best interests of my human subjects.’

I straightened. ‘Right. I understand now. They’ve been in servitude, what? Nearly a hundred years?’

‘Not nearly long enough,’ the Tiger said.

‘Ah Bai’s right,’ I said. ‘Leave them in my service until they have completely atoned.’

The Jade Emperor gazed at me with wonder. I glanced at Simone, she had the same look on her face.

‘What?’

‘You are so much like Ah Wu sometimes, it’s uncanny. Are you sure you’re not his Serpent?’ the Emperor said.

I sighed. ‘I have no idea what I am, Celestial Majesty.’ I looked up at him, full of hope. ‘Could you have a look at me? You might know what I am.’

‘What if she is his Serpent?’ Simone said. ‘If he comes back and they rejoin?’

‘Then she’d probably disappear completely into him. You’d lose her, and gain his yang side.’ The Emperor smiled at his tea. ‘Not an ideal situation for those who love you, I think, Lady Emma, whatever your feelings on the matter.’

Simone glanced sharply at me.

I shook my head and looked down. ‘I want it, Simone. I want to be part of him, to join with him. I want it more than anything in the world.’ I sighed and looked into her eyes. ‘I want to be his Serpent.’

‘You aren’t,’ Bai Hu said. ‘We’ve seen it. The Serpent shows up occasionally, wreaks havoc with the weather and then disappears again.’

‘That’s true, it’s highly unlikely,’ the Jade Emperor said. He sipped his tea. ‘Even I don’t know what you are. I have never seen anything like you before.’

‘I thought you knew all,’ I said with humour.

‘I know all in the Eastern Plane. Something about you is not part of this Plane and therefore beyond my knowledge,’ he said. ‘Maybe it is part of your Western or Southern heritage. When Ah Wu returns and we have our conference we can find out more.’

Simone leaned over the table and whispered, ‘Please don’t be Daddy’s Serpent. I couldn’t bear to lose you when he returns.’

‘I’ll try not to be, Simone. That’s all I can promise.’

‘Are we finished?’ the Jade Emperor said.

‘Thanks, Celestial Majesty,’ I said. ‘I appreciate your time.’

He waved it down. ‘Not a problem, Emma. I nearly came down to see you anyway; I was sick to death of hearing about Leo.’

The Jade Emperor rose and we did as well. Simone hesitated, then went to him and embraced him. She kissed him on the cheek.

‘Thanks for everything,’ she said.

He smiled up at her; she was about five centimetres taller than him. ‘You’re welcome, sweetheart. Thanks for showing me your Celestial Form, it’s spectacular. Now.’ He put his arm around her waist and glanced from her to me. ‘I’d like to give you two some little gifts I have for you, but I want to do it with all the Imperial bullshit in front of everybody. Do you mind?’

‘Do you have to?’ Simone whined.

He squeezed her around the waist. ‘Oh, come on, make an old man happy.’

‘Promise you won’t make me take serpent form,’ Isaid.

‘Cross my heart. I never wanted to force you into serpent form; I just wanted you to show them that defiance is the right path to take when it is with good reason. But Simone,’ he looked up at her, ‘it would be a good idea to take the full version of your True Form. Scare any potential suitors half to death. Pull in all the yin you can, wrap it around you. Make your eyes huge and black, your hair as well if you can. Be as scary as possible. Make them think twice about doing anything stupid to make me give them your hand. Carry Seven Stars, the blade bare. Have you tried to load it with energy?’

‘I’m not game.’

‘Don’t worry about it then. Just take your biggest, scariest Celestial Form.’

‘Good idea,’ I said. ‘Do it, Simone.’

‘What are you going to give us though?’ Simone asked.

‘Just a couple of little things,’ the Emperor said. He squeezed her again. ‘You’ll do it for me?’

She shrugged. ‘Okay.’

CHAPTER 7

General Qin announced us again. ‘Bodhisattva Kwan Yin. Lord Bai Hu of the West. Princess Simone. Lady Emma Donahoe.’

Why does he keep doing us in the wrong order? Simone said. You have precedence over Uncle Bai.