A Cure for All Diseases

Finally I got him talking about himself – fascinating – though as far as my research is concerned I soon realized Franny doesnt fit in at all. His thing is 3rd Thought – have you heard of it? I recall in my 1st year at uni going to a talk given by a guy called Frere Jacques – in dads terms very much a daft bugger! – who founded the movement. Lots in it about modern living making us lose touch with death – the need to establish a hospice of the mind – & a lot of similar gobbledygook which us smart 1st year psych students all rubbished like mad – but the guy himself was gorgeous – had an aura – & a lovely ass. Frannys the same – except his aura aint pure white like Frere Js – more shot silk – changing & mysterious – & I didnt get the chance to check out his ass! Anyway – thing is – with 3rd Thought theres no physical therapy involved – no taking up your bed & walking – not surprising really – guy in a wheelchair isnt likely to get far promising miracle cures. So – nothing here for me – except – I really enjoyed talking to him – & including him in my research gives me a good excuse for doing it again! So we ended by exchanging mobile nos & email addresses before he went off to Big Bums.

Anyway thats it for now. Spent the afternoon – after a sandwich in the pub – meeting the rest of the inhabitants of Sandytown – every single one of them it felt like! – then back here to Kyoto. Quiet night in – reading – & hammering the kids at snap! Make sure you answer this one sis. Dont see why you should get the details of my wild life in Sandytown while all I get from you is a pregnant (?) silence. So – no prevarications – I want dirt – I want dimensions!

Love

Charley xxx

12

FROM: [e-mail] TO: [e-mail] SUBJECT: camomile tea!

Hi! Still no word. Working on the Headbanger principle that the only thing that travels faster than bad news is crap through a goose – Ive not started worrying – yet!

Here excitement piles on excitement – not sure if Ill be able to bear much more!

Thats called irony by the way – just in case youve completely forgotten everything Mr big-Dickenson at the comp taught you in English – though I dont suppose you heard much of what he said – above the roar of your randy hormones!

First – Toms sister Diana turned up! None of the strong hints Id had about her oddness prepared me for the reality. Not bad looking – small & trim – full of words & fuller of energy – or so it seemed to me – though by her own – & Toms – account – she spends so much time lying at deaths door – she must be a real hindrance to his milkman!

Death must be on hold today – way she came bursting in at Kyoto like a small tornado.

– I am just arrived – she proclaimed – let me sit down – (which she did) – your raw sea air – a tonic I know for some – is too savage for my weak constitution. Where are the dear children – (jumping out of her chair) – I must see them at once – & this is Miss Heywood – I know you from Toms letters – my dear – its true Tom – a fine complexion – no trouble with your circulation – Tom – how is your ankle? – let me see – (here she knelt & pulled up her brothers trouser leg & folded down his sock) – looks fine to me – very little swelling – (not surprising as she was looking at the wrong ankle) – you say the Willingdene healer played a part? – an interesting acquisition – too late for me of course – years of misdiagnosis by incompetent MDs have put me beyond hope of healing – but I work tirelessly for others –

As I listened to Diana rattling on – I began to understand Toms preoccupation with alternative medicine. In his beloved sisters eyes – alternative was mainstream – she was into alternatives to the alternatives!

Finally Tom got a word in – asking where her luggage was – assuming she would be staying at Kyoto – causing Mary to wince before the polite smile formed – but relief was on its way.

– such was of course my intention – said Di – but as you know I have been ever industrious in singing the praises of Sandytown – Tom – & as you may have noticed – I have been instrumental in persuading a friend of mine – seeking a holiday destination for herself & her teenage neices – to choose Sandytown rather than one of the less salubrious resorts – so I thought I would drop in on her at Seaview Terrace to check that all was as perfect as I had promised –

– & was it? – asked Tom.

– alas no – she said – Unfortunately one of her neices had slipped while scrambling over some rocks on the shore – damaging her leg – not too seriously – but sufficient for her to wish to recuperate at home – & naturally her sibling went with her. I found Sandy – that is my freind – Mrs Griffiths – undecided whether to follow their example – or stay on by herself. Seeing the danger that her early return might start a rumour that Sandytown beach was unsafe – whereas the truth is – as you know Tom – we have some of the least slippery rocks on the east coast – I immediately offered my services – both as co-tenant – & as a conduit into the best circles of the district – both of which offers Mrs Griffiths – that is – Sandy – was delighted to accept. Beleive me – only my sense of responsibility for the good name of Sandytown – & by implication of yourself – Tom – would make me inflict this disappointment on you & Mary –

She looked for applause – which Tom gave her – while Mary managed to murmur something about typical kindness – & all I could think was – unaccountable officiousness!

Tom – full of brotherly concern for her frail constitution – insisted on driving her back down to the Terrace – with me invited along too – I suspect in my capacity of St J Ambulance trained physician – in case the shock of the sea air brought on a seizure!

Sandy Griffiths – even though introduced as a ‘vegan warrior’! – had no outward signs of the kind of dottiness I suspect must be a precondition of chumming up with Deaths Door Di. 40 something – strong handsome face – with a peculiarly disturbing stare – I thought she looked pretty good for someone who presumably existed on sprout fricassees & nut cutlets. She made us v welcome. Tea was produced – camomile for Diana – of course! – Typhoo for the rest of us – plus some v nice cream cakes – which Di thrust aside with shudder – declaring that one bite would be the death of her. All the more for me! I noticed that Sandy G had a nibble too – so not a total vegan! Nor – it seemed to me – a particularly close buddy of Dianas – which made me wonder how shed let herself be manoeuvred into having Di as her live-in guide. Tried some subtle probing – but Sandy G fixed me with her stare – so I backed off. Maybe being called Sandy makes her feel as proprietorial about Sandytown as Diana clearly does!

Tom clearly sees nothing but his sisters good points. He really is a sweetie. I find Im becoming as anxious as Mary that some people might be tempted to take advantage of his good-nature.

2 more excitements – then Im done. I dont want to risk over-stimulating you!

After we left the Terrace – driving back through the town – we saw Franny Roote hauling himself into his car. The ease with which he did it – reaching out to fold up his wheelchair & swing it into the back – suggested long practice – & my heart ached for him. OK – I know what youd say – all that stuff about handicapped people finding expressions of sympathy & offers of assistance patronizing – but I cant help it. Hes a young guy – & hes missing out on so much young guy stuff it breaks me up – so there!

Tom pulled alongside – & called – hello there Franny! – hows things –

– great – he said – giving me a big smile – & how are you – Charlotte?

– fine – I said – nice wheels.

Idiot thing to say – as it was a small boxy MPV – chosen – I guess – because the sliding doors made things easier.

– yes – he said – I dithered between this & the Porsche for a long time –

But he gave me a big grin – to show I hadnt really offended him.

Tom said – you wont forget the planning committee meeting at the Avalon on Friday –

– such excitements – said Fran – the committee on Friday – Lady Ds hog-roast on Sunday – then less than a week to recover before the Festival – be still my foolish heart! –

Tom – who doesnt do irony – said with concern – Fran – is there a problem? –

– no no – grinned Franny – of course Ill be there – Charlotte – will you be staying on for the Bank Holiday weekend & the great Festival of Health? –

– no – Im heading home this Saturday – I said.

Tom looked devastated – tho Id made it clear this was my plan – & Franny winked at me & said – then why not let Tom bring you along on Friday – not to the meeting – wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy – but Lester will be laying on some booze & snacks afterwards. Its the Festival action committee – so all us therapists will be there – great chance to pick their brains for your thesis – & Ill be first in the queue! –

Tom thought this was an excellent idea – & I was rather flattered by Frans keenness to see me again. (OK – I know – Im anybodys for a kind word!) Also I wouldnt mind seeing the inside of the Avalon – so I said – why not? – giving Franny my best smile.

– great – he said – look forward to seeing you then –

– me too – I said – meaning it.

Dont know whats happening to me! Maybe Sandytowns one of those magic places – like Brigadoon or Oz – that you stray into – then get taken over by.

Yes – thats it – definitely a magic place. But what colour magic Im not yet sure!

Write soon before I forget the real world out there!

Lots of love.

Charley xxxx

13

How do, Mildred!

Don’t recall when I’ve slept for so long if you don’t count being in a coma! Must have needed it ’cos when I woke up this morning I felt more like my old self than any time since I’d been here. Went for my physio session with Tony. Said he were pleased and suggested I finished with a massage. I said no thanks, thinking it were one thing doing knee bends with Tony on hand to steady me if I keeled over, quite another to be lying on my face with my bum in the air while he took a running jump at me!

Then this strapping blonde appeared, lovely smile, said her name was Stiggi and she was sure she could help me, wouldn’t I change my mind? So I did.

It were grand, nice and relaxing. Too relaxing. Suddenly lying there face down with her straddling me back, I realized I were close to embarrassing myself, so when she tried to turn me over, I let on I’d dozed off. She wandered off to do something and I scrambled into my jim jams and dressing gown. Hadn’t got dressed so fast since that time thirty odd years back when I were banging Sergeant Pocklington’s missus and I heard his size fifteens coming up the stairs! All I need now is a bit more red meat on my plate and I’ll soon be ready to make Cap eat her

Hang about. I’m coming … oh, its you.

Hi there, Mr Dalziel! How’re you doing? Hearing good things about you so I thought I’d drop by to check you out for myself…

Oh aye? Well, take a look, lad. What you see is what you get, isn’t that what them ET anoraks say?

IT I think you mean. Yes, they do, but it doesn’t really apply in my line of business any more than I expect it does in yours. We both know there’s no art to read the mind’s construction in the face, right?

If you’re trying to say you need to be a trick-cyclist to be a good cop, you’ve come to the wrong shop. I’m not saying it never comes in useful but I’ve got clever buggers working under me to do the fancy stuff. Me, its collars I’m interested in fingering not souls.

Souls? Interesting choice of word, Mr Dalziel.

Sorry. Limited vocabulary. Don’t have the Latin so I’ve got to make what I do have go a long way.

I believe it. And it’s a journey I’d like to make with you if you let me. To lay it on the line, Mr Dalziel, physically you seem to be back on stream after your little glitch. You’re looking good …

I’d look a lot better if they stopped feeding me like a prize greyhound.

I’ll have a word. But as I was saying, how fast you’re recovering from the mental trauma of your experience, only you can say. I hope pretty soon you’ll trust me enough to feel able to say it, but that’s entirely up to you. How’re you getting on with the audio-diary, by the way?

Eh? Oh that recorder thing. Sorry, went right out of my mind. Can’t even recollect where I put the bloody thing.

That’s OK. I’m sure it will turn up. So, before I go, anything I can do for you, apart from seeing you get more red meat on your plate?

One thing, there’s a guy lives locally, name of Parker. Says he comes up here sometimes.

Tom Parker? Oh yes, I know Tom well. Important man round here. He’s got big plans for Sandytown, him and his partner, Lady Denham.

Her in the pub? You’re not saying he’s shacked up with her? Nay, I met his missus, at least I assumed she were his missus…

No, sorry, I was using partner in its old pre-permissive sense. Their union has much to do with Mammon and nothing at all with Hymen.

No need to talk dirty. Any road, I owe him twenty quid. Mebbe if I gave it to you, you could pass it on?

Happily. But better still, I’m having a little get-together tomorrow lunchtime. Tom Parker has persuaded me that the Avalon ought to play a major role in this Festival of Health he’s organizing to launch the hotel. We’re meeting together, some of my staff and his alternative therapists, to make sure we all understand our roles. Afterwards there’ll be drinks and snacks and there’ll be a few other people there to help things swing along. I’d be delighted if you could join us, and if you did, then you co uld repay your own debt, couldn’t you? I’m a great believer in a man repaying his own debts; that in some ways is what my work is all about. So, won’t you come?

I’ll think about it.

Excellent. Nice to talk with you, Mr Dalziel. About one o’clock. Petula will show you the way.

Handy little gadget this. Didn’t realize I’d left it running when I shoved it in my pocket after Festerwhanger tapped at the door. Its picked up every word him and me said.

Dead sensitive, like me!

Not that hiding it fooled old weasel-eyes. I reckon he’d been listening at the door for a couple of minutes afore he knocked. Played it back to be sure and there it was, red meat on my plate. Coincidence? Mebbe. But I’ll take more care from now on. Simplest would be to toss the bloody thing into the sea. But, fair do’s, it could be the bugger’s on to something with this talking to myself thing. Admit it, Dalziel, your bollocks might be back to twitch mode, but you’re still not right in your head, not while you keep having these funny dreams about talking to God!

Mebbe it’s that post-menstrual traumatic sin thing they go on about these days. Likely there’s a lot of it about in a place like this, so no wonder if I’ve caught a dose.

Any road, if yakking about it helps, nowt wrong with yakking. But I’m definitely not going to spill my guts to yon Yankee wanker!

Jesus, there it goes again. Knock knock knock. Who’s there, in the name of Beelzebub? All right, I’m coming. There’d be less traffic living on Scotch Corner roundabout.

Oh, hello, matron.

Sorry to disturb you, Mr Dalziel, but Dr Feldenhammer said you were having some problem with your diet.

Only problem is seeing it, luv. I’m a growing lad. I need fettling.

I won’t argue with you there. Can I be frank with you, Mr Dalziel?

Long as it don’t involve dressing up in leather.

You have a large frame, and I can understand your desire to fill it again. But this might be a good time to take stock and ask yourself if you really want to put back on all the weight you lost during your recent unfortunate experience.

How do you know how much I weighed before?

We have your medical records. No one comes to the Avalon without a complete legend.

So I’m a legend, am I? I’ll tell you what, luv. You fatten me up till I reach what you think is my legendary shape, then we’ll see how we get on from there, OK?

That sounds reasonable. Now I gather I’m to escort you to Dr Feldenhammer’s lunch meeting tomorrow.

If you’re Petula, that’s right, matron.

Yes, that is my name. My title incidentally isn’t matron. I am Head of Nursing Care and usually I’m addressed as Mrs Sheldon.

But I bet you’re undressed as Pet, right? Nay, don’t look offended, not when you’ve got such a bonny smile. That’s better. Let’s start again. If we’re going out together, I’m going to call you Pet. And if you’re going to get me back to my proper shape, you can call me Adonis. But Andy will do if you’re worried about folk talking.

Andy it is. Will you be up to walking to the clinic, Andy? Or shall I bring a chair for you?

Ee, I do love a cheeky woman. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I fancy a shower. Don’t suppose you’d like to come in with me? I’ve got these muscle pains when I try to scrub my back.

I’m sorry to hear that, Andy, but it would be more than my job’s worth.

Oh, I think I could guarantee that, Pet.

Who’s a big mouth then? One little twitch when the beautiful Stiggi’s straddling your bum and you’re making like Don Juan! And it were only a few days back you were thinking that lass would have made a good concentration camp warder! Funny how feeling better changes your view of folk. Reminds me of summat Pete Pascoe once said when I wanted to haul someone into the Factory for questioning. Let’s start him off at home, he said. Once you feel like a prisoner, everyone looks like a guard.

Clever clogs were right, as per usual! I don’t feel like a prisoner any more and I can see yon Pet’s not a bad-looking woman, specially now I’ve got her to crack her face.

Time for that shower. What’s that, Mildred? Better make it a cold one?

Just for that you’re going back in the cistern!

Over and out!

14

FROM: [e-mail] TO: [e-mail] SUBJECT: the hunk & his handle!

Hi!

Really pleased to hear from you – was getting worried – but not as worried as I would have been if Id known! No – nothing on the news here – small African hospital under mortar fire – no one dead – doesnt hit the headlines. Just as well maybe – for mum & dads sake I mean – saves a lot of brick walls from being banged!

Anyway – I feel real guilty – lounging around here – in what must be the safest healthiest place in the world – boring you with my rustic rollickings! But you say it helps keep you on an even keel knowing theres still places like sleepy little Sandytown in the world – so heres the next exciting episode!

Or rather the next several episodes – each centred on a man – just so you dont get the impression youve got exclusive rights!

First Teddy – the hunk with the handle – literally! – as I have seen – & you will hear!

Weather was so warm today – I thought Id head for the beach – see if it had improved since the famous trip!

Tom was too busy to join me – thank heaven – I wanted to swim not talk – or rather listen! He said this was the day hed fixed for Mr Godley – the healer – to drive over & take a look at the set-up in Sandytown – & he hoped Id be back in time to meet him – as he knew how it would help with my study – which Im finally making a bit of progress with. Remembering how Godly Gordon took against me first time we met – I dont anticipate much encouragement there – but of course I said I hoped so too.

One other thing Tom said – rather awkwardly for him was – re the meeting at the Avalon – Charlotte – as it is mainly – nay solely – concerned with the alternative therapists – we – that is Lester Feldenhammer & myself – deemed it unnecessary to invite Lady Denham – so – should you chance into her company – it might be diplomatic not to say anything about it! –

Playing with fire there – Tom – I thought. But I was rather flattered to find myself part of a Sandytown conspiracy – so I said – no bother! – & my reward was that big boyish smile.

The kids were off doing their own thing somewhere – so I didnt have to offer to take them – which was a relief. My dip in the hotel pool had whetted my appetite for a real swim – not paddling around in the shallows – keeping an eye on young Parkers.

So off I went – cozzie on under a wrap – towel over my shoulder.

Only a fifteen minute walk down into the village – might take a bit longer coming back up the hill – I thought – but sufficient is the evil – remember?

Met quite a few people who said hello – more than Im likely to meet in Willingden – being Tom Parkers guest gets you on the social register big time!

The beach was pretty crowded. School hols – lots of families – an ice cream van – a burger stall – deck chairs – all the usual stuff for screwing money out of people. I guessed the Hope & Anchor was doing pretty good business too. All in all – Sandytown looks like its booming. Good news for the Consortium – Tom delighted because the prosperity gets shared around – Lady D because she sees her investment paying out big.

Mary – in her oblique way – has made it quite clear that civic responsibility doesnt figure large in Lady Ds world view. Profits the thing. With her own family money – plus the Hollis fortune – she could lounge her life away in luxury. But a lots never enough for the rich. She wants – even more!

Sorry – boring!

But you can wake up now. Im getting close to the beach – & the hunk!

Like I say – it was crowded – so I wandered along to the furthest extreme of the bay – marked by a rocky outcrop running out into the sea from the foot of North Cliff. You could probably get round the end of this at low tide – but now – with the tide well up – tho retreating – it created a bit of a barrier – reinforced by a sign on a steel post driven into the rock which warned – NO PUBLIC ACCESS – PRIVATE BEACH.

This was just the kind of thing the HB would have erected! So naturally I went scrambling up there without a moments hesitation!

From the top of the outcrop – I found myself looking down on to another bay – much smaller than Sandytowns – but also a lot emptier. In fact there were only four people there – & I wasnt too surprised to see they were Lady Denham – Teddy & his sister – & Clara Brereton.

The younger ones were wearing swimming costumes – Clara a polka dot bikini – that showed her boobs & bum to advantage – slender she might be – but even malice couldnt call her skinny. Lovely pale skin – dont know what sunblock she uses but its worth every penny to keep that lovely pearly glow – probably bathes in asses milk every morning. Stopped feeling sorry for her – even if she does have to skivvy for Lady D!

Esther was in a black one piece – revealing she was no frump either – though while Claras charms – asses milk apart – look all natural – I guess Ests are the best money could buy.

Miaow!