A Candle For Nick

Alarmed, Mallory scrambled down from her chair, but the man she’d been watching was ahead of her. He strode forward and blocked the little boy’s path. Startled, the child stared up at what must have looked like a giant to him and began to wail. But the man squatted down to eye level with the little boy and said something to him. Within seconds, the child’s tears vanished and he broke into a grin. The man took his hand and led him back to his mother.

Most guys would have cringed at facing a screaming two-year-old, but not this man. Later, Mallory learned he was a pediatrician….

Wait a minute, Mallory thought now as she braked for a red light. The Kent Berger she’d known wasn’t a cancer specialist in Houston. He was a pediatrician in Chicago. Of course! This had to be a different man.

Relieved at the idea, she drove home, turned on the TV and settled Nick on the living room couch with his ever-present remote, then went into the kitchen and pulled the slip of paper with the nurse’s name and the office phone number out of her purse.

As soon as she heard Catherine Garland’s voice, Mallory knew she was in good hands. Catherine explained that their stay in Houston might be as long as several months. “But you don’t need to worry about living arrangements. The clinic maintains an apartment complex right around the corner where families can stay.”

She could cross that off her list. “My son won’t have to be in the hospital?”

“Probably for a few days. You’ll come to the clinic first, so Nick can have additional blood work and bone marrow testing. We do as much as we can on an outpatient basis. We believe in keeping lives as normal as possible during treatment.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Perhaps the Astros game wasn’t as far-fetched as she’d thought. “What about Dr. Berger? When will he see Nick?”

“When the tests are finished. He’s out of town now but he should be back the day you arrive.”

Even though she’d convinced herself he wasn’t the man she knew, she had to ask. “I’d like to know more about him.”

“He’s wonderful, and I’m not saying that because I work for him. You can ask anyone. He’s truly the best.”

“But how is he with kids? My son has had the same doctor nearly all his life, and I’m…well, I’m a little nervous about how he’ll react to a stranger.”

“Oh, Dr. Berger will win him over right away. He specializes in children’s cancer. He was a pediatrician before he started working with cancer patients.”

“Where?” Let her say Boise or Anchorage or someplace I’ve never heard of.

“Chicago.”

Mallory sank into a chair. He was that Kent Berger after all.

She managed to thank Catherine and disconnect before the phone fell from her shaking hands and clattered to the floor.

“What was that?” Nick called from the living room.

“Nothing.” She bent down and retrieved the phone. “It doesn’t matter who he is,” she whispered. All that mattered was that he could make Nick well. She set the phone on the counter and went into the small room she used as a home office.

She sat down at the computer and typed in Kent’s name. Funny, she’d never even imagined doing that before. She’d closed the door on Kent Berger years ago just as he had on her. She’d never let herself wonder where he was and if he were doing something important. Now she had to know.

The search engine turned up dozens of articles in medical journals, some she even recognized, like the New England Journal of Medicine. He’d given seminars and interviews to the media and was considered one of the top specialists in the U.S. on childhood leukemia—acute myelogenous leukemia, Nick’s type, in particular.

So it didn’t matter that she knew him, that she’d once thought she’d spend the rest of her life with him. It didn’t even matter that he’d lied to her about their future. She could handle seeing Kent again. All that was important was that he could make Nick well.

He probably wouldn’t even remember her. She’d been a brief diversion for him, nothing more. To him, their love affair hadn’t been a life-changing event. He didn’t know the aftermath of that long ago summer—Nick.

Should she tell him? No, she thought fiercely. If he found out Nick was his child, he’d turn Nick’s care over to someone else, someone who might be only second best. This wasn’t about Kent’s rights; it was about Nick’s. And with her son’s life at stake, she couldn’t take chances.

Kent Berger may have given Nick life, but he hadn’t been Nick’s parent. But now, please, God, he’d make up for that. He’d save the life of the son he would never know he’d fathered.

Two days later, sitting in her son’s hospital room at Gaines Memorial, Mallory watched Nick’s small chest move up and down. Worn out from yesterday’s plane trip and the clinic visit this morning, he’d fallen asleep as soon as he’d gotten into bed. He’d been stoic in the face of technicians bearing needles and residents poking and prodding, but Mallory had to admit that the clinic itself had a lot to do with his bravery. For a place that specialized in children who were sick, it was remarkably cheerful and welcoming.

As Catherine predicted, Nick was admitted to the hospital that afternoon. Mallory hated hospitals—the sounds, the smells—but she chose to view Gaines Memorial as a battle station in the war against Nick’s disease. She would not let the environment depress her, or Nick, either. She hung up the New York Yankees banner he’d brought along, and as soon as she could, she went down to the gift shop and bought a painting of bright yellow chrysanthemums and a grinning stuffed monkey to liven up his room.

Now Mallory glanced at her watch. Still a long time before the doctor was due. She intended to think of Kent Berger as “the doctor,” or if necessary as “Dr. Berger, without a first name.” Nothing personal. She would not remember summer nights in his arms, the taste of his lips, or the scent of his skin.

She stood and paced the small room. If she was jittery, she had every right. Today, or tomorrow at the latest, the verdict on her son’s future would be delivered.

She had plenty of time to call her parents, Dean’s parents, and Lauri and let them know how the day had gone. With another glance at Nick to assure herself he slept peacefully, she left the room, found a small waiting area down the hall and took out her cell phone. She checked to be sure she could use her cell in this area of the hospital, then dialed.

Her calls took a good fifteen minutes. She had so much to say, and yet so little. But she could give the people waiting at home some reassurance. She’d brought Nick to a good place. She hung up and, trying to ignore her aching feet, headed back to his room.

A nurse hurried out of his door. Was something wrong? Propelled by fear, Mallory dashed forward, then halted in the doorway, unable to take another step, as a hauntingly familiar voice reached her ears.

He sat by the bed, his head bent close to Nick’s. He was talking baseball and he had the boy’s full attention.

He must have come directly from the airport because he wore a white dress shirt that contrasted starkly with his tanned skin. His shoulders were slightly broader than she remembered, his chest wider, but no gray marred the thick, dark hair. The hand that lay lightly on the bed rails was the same, too—lean, strong.

He hadn’t changed. And oh, God, she’d never realized how much Nick looked like him. The shape of his face, the way he cocked his head to listen, even the half smile. She’d never let herself notice. Would he?

Please, no, she begged. She must have made a sound of supplication, because he looked up.

And for the first time in eleven years, she stared into his eyes.

Chapter Three

He didn’t recognize her.

His expression was cordial, but she saw no hint of awareness in his gaze.

What made her think he would remember? What made her believe she’d meant enough to him to remain in his mind? Pride forced her to square her shoulders and step into the room. She’d deal with her feelings of hurt and anger later. What mattered now was Nick.

As she came into the room, Kent smiled and extended his hand. “Mrs. Bren—”

His hand froze in midair. He glanced at the chart on the stand beside him, then up again. “Mallory Brenner…Mallory Roseman?”

Her breath backed up in her lungs. He did remember her after all. Silently, she nodded.

“You…cut your hair,” he blurted, his words seeming to surprise him as much as they did her. His cheeks flushed, and abruptly his eyes swung back to his hand, still suspended. He reached out and, reluctantly, Mallory did the same.

Their hands met above the bed where Nicholas—where their son—lay staring at them with curiosity. “You guys know each other?”

“We did, years ago,” Mallory muttered and managed a casual shrug. She hoped she communicated that whatever had happened between them was inconsequential and done with long ago. Realizing she still grasped Kent’s hand, she let it go and stepped back. What she needed now was his medical skill. “About Nick—” she began.

“Yes. Why don’t you sit down,” Kent suggested, “and we’ll talk about what happens next.”

His voice was calming, and Mallory remembered again the little boy he’d spoken to at the pool that long-ago summer morning. She took a chair beside the bed.

Kent turned to Nick. “Nick, you’ve had some people sticking you today, and they tell me you’ve been very brave.”

“Is the sticking over?” Nick asked.

“I’m afraid not. Tomorrow morning you’re going to have a spinal tap.” Gently, matter-of-factly, he explained the procedure.

Nick’s hand slid to Mallory’s and clasped it tightly, but his eyes were glued to Kent’s. When Kent asked if he understood, he nodded. “I won’t cry,” he said. “At least I’ll try not to.”

“Good,” Kent said, smiling at him. “And I won’t spring any surprises on you. Whatever we have to do to lick this illness, I’ll tell you beforehand. Is that a deal?”

“Deal,” the boy said, and Mallory saw with relief that Kent had won his trust.

Kent turned to her now. “The usual course of treatment for AML, Nick’s type of leukemia, is several rounds of chemotherapy, then a transplant…”

“Transplant?” She didn’t know much about transplants except that there was always a chance of rejection.

Kent seemed to sense her fear. “Transplants are getting to be commonplace in many types of cancer,” he said reassuringly. “You’ll meet lots of kids who’ve had them and are doing quite well.”

Calmer now, Mallory nodded.

“Tomorrow afternoon,” Kent continued, “I’ll go over the results of the tests and talk more about the treatment with you and Nick…and Nick’s father.” He glanced toward the door. “Is he here with you?”

Mallory didn’t allow herself to wince at the phrase Nick’s father. “My husband died three years ago,” she said flatly.

Something flashed in Kent’s eyes, disappeared. “I’m sorry. I met him, I believe.” Without glancing at the chart, he said, “Dean,” and Mallory nodded.

He picked up Nick’s chart. “See you tomorrow, pal,” he said and ruffled the boy’s hair.

When he left, Mallory let out a long breath. She was over the worst. She’d survived the first meeting. From now on she’d be fine, as long as they didn’t dredge up old memories that might lead to dangerous questions. And why should they? They were doctor, patient and patient’s mother. She suspected Kent would want to keep it that way as much as she did. Besides, he surely had a life beyond the hospital. Eleven years had passed. He must have a wife and…and children.

“Mom.” Nick’s voice brought her out of her reverie.

“Yes, hon.”

“How do you know Doctor Berger?”

Trust her inquisitive son to ask. “He, uh, spent a summer in Valerosa a long time ago. I met him then.”

Nick eyed her with interest. “Was that before I was born?”

About nine months, she thought with a pang. “Uh-huh.”

“Did you like him?”

Mallory felt heat rise to her cheeks. “Yes, he was very nice.”

“I like him, too,” Nick said. “I’m glad he’s going to be my doctor.”

On that, she could agree. “Me, too.”

“He’s going to make me well,” her son said, with total confidence.

Mallory bit her lip. Oh, God, she hoped so. “Yes, he is. Now, why don’t you get some sleep? You have a big day tomorrow.” She bent to fluff his pillow and drop a kiss on his forehead.

He caught her hand. “Mommy.”

Rarely did Nick call her Mommy anymore. He’d pronounced himself too big for that several years ago. She squeezed his hand. “Yes?”

“Will you sit here by me till I get to sleep?”

“I’d like that,” Mallory said, “and maybe we could hold hands, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Mallory kept watch as he shut his eyes and fell asleep.

Only when the room was still did she allow her thoughts to drift back to Kent. He’d turned out to be the doctor she always imagined he’d be, with a bedside manner worthy of Albert Schweitzer. But why did he have to look like every woman’s fantasy lover?

Why couldn’t he have lost his hair or developed a paunch? That would make things so much easier.

Whack.

Kent served the ball against the wall of the racquetball court and when Stan Ferguson returned the shot, whipped it back with another satisfying smack. He slammed the ball again and again, the whoosh of air loud in his ears.

Mallory. Why did she have to be as pretty as ever, her mouth still so enticing, so kissable? Why couldn’t she have turned into a hag?

“Point,” Stan called. “Hey, man, you’re killing me. You’re up thirteen-two.”

“Yeah,” Kent muttered. Ordinarily if he beat Stan by this much, he’d be elated. Now he only focused on the force of his arm, the slap of the ball against wood.

Why hadn’t he taken time to look at the boy’s chart more carefully yesterday? He’d rushed in from the airport with barely enough time to read the test results, so he hadn’t glanced at the parents’ names. He’d gotten a monumental shock when he’d recognized the mother.

Stan missed a ball, then another.

“Game over.” Kent caught the ball and bounced it, then tossed it and the racquet into his gym bag.

“Hey, good buddy, you’re on a tear today,” Stan said as they walked off the court. “Letting out some anger, are we?”

Kent managed a laugh as he stared straight ahead. “Remind me never to play racquetball with a psychiatrist.”

“We can’t help noticing displays of emotion. One of the drawbacks of the profession. Last time I saw you murder the ball that way was when you and Lisa divorced.”

“Spare me the psychoanalysis.” Kent swiped a towel over his sweaty face. “What you saw isn’t anger, it’s athletic skill.”

They halted in front of the showers, and Stan gave him a penetrating look. “Well, if you ever want to talk about your newfound ‘skill,’ you can have a discount.”

“Not necessary, but thanks.” He pulled the damp T-shirt over his head. He’d feel foolish spilling his guts about an affair that ended years ago.

“Have time for lunch later?” Stan asked.

“Not today. Too busy.” Kent tossed his shorts aside and stepped into the shower. He turned the water on full force and let it pour over him. Damn, he hated being so transparent, but running into Mallory after all this time brought back memories and emotions he thought he’d put to rest years ago.

Getting over her hadn’t been easy. No, it had been tough facing the fact that she’d played him for a fool, used him as bait to snag Dean Brenner. Remembering his last phone call to her, he shut his eyes as icy water droplets stung him as if they were needles.

He’d called from the hospital in Rome, three weeks after he’d planned on returning to Valerosa. She’d have been back at school in Lubbock by then. But when he called her dorm, he learned she wasn’t enrolled that semester. Surprised and worried, he tried her at home.

“Mallory?” A deep, rich laugh sounded over the wire and Ophelia, the Rosemans’ housekeeper, said, “She’s not here. That girl’s done gone and got herself married.”

Staggered, he gasped, “Married? When? Who?”

“Few days ago. Married Dean Brenner. I always knew those two’d wake up someday and see they was meant for each other. Been hangin’ around together since they was little tykes.”

She paused. “You want their number in El Paso?”

For some reason, he wrote it down, hung up, then sat back and stared unseeing out the window. After a minute he glanced at the slip of paper in his hand, crumbled it into a ball and tossed it in the trash.

Kent opened his eyes. Didn’t matter now. Couldn’t. Both of them had one very sick kid to worry about. Nick was their only connection.

The next night, Mallory tiptoed out of Nick’s room and made her way down the hall to the waiting area. She bypassed an armchair, sat on the window ledge and stared into the night. It was 1:00 a.m., and lights were still on all over the medical center. Hospitals never slept.

She leaned her forehead against the glass. Today had been the worst day since Nick had gotten sick, even worse somehow than the afternoon Dr. Sanders had told her he had leukemia.

She’d felt so optimistic when she awoke this morning. Kent—Dr. Berger—had explained that AML was nearly always amenable to chemotherapy. The transplant, whether of bone marrow or stem cells, would come later, but first things first. The chemo would begin immediately.

She was proud of the way Nick reacted. He said he and his mom planned to beat this disease, then asked when he’d be out of the hospital. His grin broke out when Kent—Dr. Berger—said probably in a few days, as soon as they saw how he tolerated the chemo.

Tolerated? Mallory thought bitterly. Such a bland word. The nurses had told her reactions to chemo could vary from mild to severe, but only now did she realize what “severe” meant. Nick had first developed an excruciating headache, then nausea so fierce he screamed every time it gripped him. The nurse said the doctor would adjust the dose next time. How could they have been so far off? How could Nick—and she—endure a next time?

Oh, it hurt to see her baby so sick. And not to be able to help. All she could do was hold his hand.

For the first time she wondered if they’d come to the right place. Maybe they should have gone to Sloan-Kettering in New York or another big cancer center. At least there she wouldn’t have the added stress of wondering if Nick’s doctor had noticed the boy’s birthday and done the math.

Tears slid down her cheeks and dampened the window-pane. She was homesick. She wanted someone to lean on.

A hand touched her shoulder.

Startled, she turned. And met Kent’s eyes.

Damn, Kent thought, he hadn’t meant to touch her, but he’d seen her at the window, shoulders slumped. Her son’s reaction to his first dose of chemo had to be tough for her. He’d decided to stop and reassure her, as he’d do for any parent. A brief word of explanation and sympathy, and he’d be on his way.

She’d been crying. He saw the sheen of tears in her eyes as she turned.

For the first time in his medical career, he couldn’t think of the right words. He settled for, “Rough day.”

“Too rough.” Pain and accusation shone through her tears. “He shouldn’t have to be so sick. Can’t you tell ahead of time what dose he needs?”

“No, reactions vary. Sometimes a child will tolerate one dose, then the next time react poorly to the very same one.”

“So we can expect more of the same?”

He sighed. “Maybe.” He saw her swallow, and added, “I won’t sugarcoat this, Mallory.”

She bit her lip. “No, of course not.”

“Once Nick is out of the hospital and you’re settled at the apartment complex, you’ll meet other families. You’ll have a built-in support system.”

She brushed away the tears that stained her cheeks and nodded. “That’ll help.”

It would, of course. And he shouldn’t get personally involved. He should leave it right there, turn away from her, go home and crash. But he found himself saying, “Walk down to the doctors’ lounge with me. I bet you haven’t eaten. We’ll find you a snack.”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t eat a thing.”

Another opportunity to back off. Instead he said, “Join me then, while I have something. Come on.”

She glanced back down the hall toward her son’s room. “But what if he—?”

“He won’t wake up. He’s sleeping like a log.” At her questioning look, he said, “I looked in on him.”

“Oh, well, then…” She rose and brushed her hair back from her face. It was a gesture he remembered from long ago.

They walked down the hall silently, Kent automatically adjusting his stride to hers.

The lounge was dim and empty. Kent didn’t bother turning on the overhead light. Instead he flipped on a small light over the counter. They’d only be here a few minutes. He’d make himself some tea, insist she have a cup, too, then get out of here. That’d be five…okay, seven minutes tops.

He grabbed two plastic cups, filled them with water and put them in the microwave. Mallory sat at the table, waiting. He used to imagine meeting her again and letting his anger spew out as he confronted her about the ending of their relationship. But now, when she was worn out and frightened, wasn’t the time. He fixed the tea, got some packets of cheese and crackers out of the cabinet and sat down across from her.

She shook her head at the food. “Eat,” he said firmly. “You have to stay strong.”

“Okay, doc.” She used to call him that, her voice teasing. She must remember, too, he thought as he saw her cheeks redden. She stared at the crackers, unwrapping them carefully, then methodically folding the paper. She picked up a cracker, took a bite and grimaced.

“Eat,” he repeated.

She nodded, dutifully finished the cracker and sipped her tea.

Kent put his cup down. “Tell me about Nick.”

Her shoulders tensed, and she looked at him for a moment, as if gauging the reason for his question. Then she let out a breath. “He’s a typical ten-year-old. He does pretty well in school, loves math, likes reading and would like writing, too, if it weren’t for punctuation. He plays Little League, and he’s really good. This spring he led his team in home runs before he—” her voice trembled “—got sick.” She looked up, and tears welled in her eyes. “Will he…will he be able to play again?”

Kent sighed. “There are no guarantees, but the chances are good. Maybe not this year, but eventually.”

“Then I can hope for that.” She smiled but he sensed it was forced. “At least he can watch baseball on TV.”

“The Yankees.”

Her eyes flew to his, and she tensed again. “Yes, how do you know?”

“He told me. We were talking after I examined him this morning.”

“He wants to grow up to be Rick Howard.”

“Reminds me of myself at the same age, only I wanted to be Reggie Jackson.” Kent smiled, but Mallory didn’t smile back. Instead, she stared into her tea cup. She picked it up, but her hand shook and she set it back on the table.

Hoping to distract her, Kent changed the subject. “How are your parents?”

“They’re fine. They’d have been here but my dad’s recuperating from a knee replacement.”

“I’m sorry. I know that’s a painful operation. I’m sure they’re here in spirit.”

“Yes. I have a lot of support from back home. My business partner, Lauri Gold—”

“You have a business?”

She smiled. “A florist shop. Buds and Blossoms.”

“I’m surprised. If I remember correctly, you talked about going into psychology.”

“If I’d gone with that, I’d still be in school.”

Her perfume wafted across the table to him. The same scent she’d always worn. He cleared his throat. “Hard to be in school with a kid to raise.”

“Yes.”

“You’ve done a good job, Mallory. Nick’s a great kid.”

“Thanks.”

He wanted to keep her talking, to know about the Mallory of today, so he asked more questions. The room was quiet, strangely intimate, and he felt the pain and outrage he’d carried all these years slipping away. Melting in the warmth of her presence. Maybe this was one of the vivid dreams he used to have of her, dreams that left him aching, wanting.