Anyway, Jasmine, enough of me wittering on. Please keep in touch. I feel like we’re friends already.
Mildred x
***
The rest of the week was pretty normal. Louise and I actually spent a couple of evenings together catching up on Breaking Bad and eating dinner at the same time for once. It was really nice and I felt less gloomy about things, largely because I felt like I’d found an ally in Mildred. It was strange to feel connected to someone I didn’t know from Adam, but I was pleased to have someone to listen to my problems.
I didn’t see much of the twins on my work days but Lou said Fiona hadn’t done anything else witchy as far as she could see. I wondered what would happen at the baby group on Friday. I had Esme’s yummy mummy gathering to get through first. I was dreading it.
On Wednesday afternoon, Lou was called into work. She dropped the twins to me at the spa and all the staff and clients cooed over them.
Finlay was taking a few steps on his own now and he was thrilled when everyone applauded as he toddled to me unaided. Fiona looked at him suspiciously, then pulled herself up on my leg and took two steps herself before plonking down on to her nappy-padded bottom.
I scooped her up and kissed her smiley face.
‘Clever girl,’ I said. ‘Clever, clever girl.’
Finlay clapped his hands and I watched as sparks flew between his palms like an electric current.
Nessa had seen it too. She gasped.
‘Is he…’ she began.
Still cuddling Fiona, I knelt down beside my son and stroked his cheek.
‘I think he is,’ I said. ‘You clever pair.’ Finn gazed at me for a second, then he crawled off to investigate Ness’s shoes.
‘Both of them,’ I said to Nessa quietly.
‘And so early,’ she said. ‘That’ll be fun.’
‘It’s going to be a nightmare,’ I said, cheerfully. I was thrilled the kids were both showing signs of witchcraft even if I was powerless myself right now.
For now, though, I had more than just my lack of talent to worry about.
Lou came home from work about 10 p.m., looking excited and worried at the same time.
‘What’s the matter?’ I said straightaway, clocking her flushed cheeks.
She sat down next to me.
‘I’ve been offered a secondment,’ she said, shrugging off her leather jacket. ‘To be part of a major investigation. It’s quite a big deal.’
‘That’s brilliant,’ I said, squeezing her arm. ‘So what’s the problem?’
Louise bit her lip.
‘It’s really, really full on,’ she said. ‘It’s going undercover, investigating one of the biggest businesses in the country. It’s a massive honour that they’ve picked me to be part of the team but, Harry it’s going to mean a lot of late nights, long days and working at weekends.’
I made a face.
‘For how long?’ I asked.
‘I reckon about three months altogether,’ Lou said. ‘A couple of weeks first getting familiar with the company, before we go in, then maybe two months undercover and a week or so afterwards for debriefing.’
I took a deep breath. Being without Lou for that long was absolutely the last thing I wanted, but she was a really good detective, and I knew this could be an opportunity that wouldn’t come up again.
‘Do you want to do it?’ I said, taking her hand.
‘Not sure,’ she shrugged. ‘If this had been before I met you, or before we’d had the kids, then I’d have jumped at the chance. It’s a big pat on the back that they’ve asked me and it could lead to amazing things at work. Plus it’s working in Fraud – I’ve always wanted to get into that department. And the other members of the team are all amazing – I’d love to work with them.’
She paused.
‘But I don’t want to be away from you all for so long.’
I put my arm round her and pulled her close to me.
‘I think you should do it,’ I lied. I didn’t want her to do it. But I knew that any problems in our marriage weren’t going to be solved by me forcing her to turn down this opportunity. ‘We’ll just have to make a pact to really make the most of your days off and not just sit around the house in our pyjamas. You shouldn’t turn down a chance like this.’
‘Really?’ said Louise, still looking unsure.
‘Really,’ I said. ‘Listen, why don’t we see if we can book a holiday for afterwards? Just two weeks in Majorca or something at the end of the summer? It’ll give us something to look forward to. The kids would love it and we can spend some proper time together.’
Louise grinned at me.
‘That’s a great idea,’ she said. ‘You really think I should do it?’
‘I do,’ I said. ‘Ring them now and tell them.’
She leaned over and kissed me.
‘You’re amazing,’ she said.
I kissed her back.
‘I know.’
Chapter 7
I didn’t feel amazing. I felt wretched. But I couldn’t let Louise pass up on such a brilliant opportunity. And it was only a couple of months, I kept telling myself, determined to have a look at some holiday deals for when it was all over.
For now, though, I had bigger things to worry about ‒ Esme’s baby group for a start. And the fact that with Fiona and Finn both showing signs that their magic was developing, I was going to have to fess up to Ez about my lack of powers and ‒ worse ‒ throw myself on her mercy and ask her to help. I felt sick at the thought. I was not the sort of person who enjoyed asking for help. Nor was I completely confident in Esme’s abilities. It wasn’t that long ago that I was giving her magic lessons, so to be dependent on her now made me uneasy.
It was another sunny spring day and I was walking with the twins in their double buggy to Esme’s house. She also lived by the river, but it was impossible to negotiate the muddy path with our gigantic pram, so I’d walked round by the road.
Esme and Jamie’s house was lovely, though quite small now they had Clemmie. Their pram was outside the front door and as I rang the doorbell I could hear Esme singing the wheels on the bus and Clemmie crying. I didn’t blame her. Esme was no SuBo.
She answered the door with a slightly tearstained Clemmie in her arms.
‘Ready?’ she said with a grin.
I shook my head.
‘Not really.’
Esme clipped Clemmie into the pushchair and handed her a chewy giraffe to gum, then she reached inside the front door and grabbed a raincoat I’d never seen before.
I narrowed my eyes at her.
‘Is that Boden?’ I asked as she pulled it on. I looked her up and down. She was wearing skinny jeans, ballet pumps, a Breton-striped T-shirt and now her Boden raincoat. It wasn’t her normal style at all.
‘Esme,’ I said, fighting laughter. ‘Are you wearing a uniform?’
Esme tossed her hair, she pushed Clemmie down the path and I followed with the twins who were shouting for Esme’s attention.
‘It’s just easier if I look like everyone else,’ she muttered. ‘Given that I’m not like everyone else.’
I felt sorry for her suddenly. She’d always struggled with being different, bless her. I embraced it, but she hid from it.
I patted her hand where it rested on Clemmie’s pushchair handle, her knuckles white with tension.
‘They’re a really nice bunch at the baby group,’ she said. ‘I think it’ll be nice for you to make friends. It’s so good to have other people who know what you’re going through.’
‘I’ve got Louise,’ I said. ‘And I’ve got you.’
‘I know,’ Esme said, she turned to look at me as we paused to cross the road. ‘But you’re not yourself at the moment and I don’t know why. I just thought getting out might help.’
We were walking past the gates of Inverleith Park as she spoke. I saw my chance.
‘Do we have time to just sit for five minutes?’ I asked.
Esme nodded, looking slightly nonplussed. But she didn’t argue as she followed me into the park and sat down next to me on a bench overlooking one of the ponds.
I could feel Esme watching me, but I stared straight ahead. It would be easier to say this if I couldn’t see her reaction.
‘I’ve lost my powers,’ I said in a rush. ‘They’re gone. Nada. Nil. Vanished.’
Esme didn’t say anything. She just took my hand. I started to cry.
‘And I’m so scared, Ez,’ I wailed. ‘So scared that we could lose the twins, and that I’ll lose the business and we’ll have no money, and I can’t tell Mum, because what would she think of me? And now the twins are starting to use magic and I can’t help them…’
Esme threw her arms round me and I sobbed into her shoulder.
‘Okay,’ she said, patting my back like she did to Clemmie when she got cross. ‘Okay. We’ll sort this out. I can help with the twins ‒ I can cover if they do anything at baby group for a start. We should definitely tell your mum and my mum. And it’s all going to be fine.’
She pulled back and looked at me.
‘You’ve got mascara on your chin,’ she said, smoothing down my hair.
I felt so much better for having told her that I didn’t care about how I looked.
‘Do you really think it’ll be okay?’ I asked.
Esme pulled some baby wipes out of her bag and handed them to me so I could wipe my face.
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘You’re the best witch I know.’
‘I’m the only witch you know,’ I pointed out. ‘Except for our mums.’ Esme wasn’t really one for mixing in the magical community.
‘I know plenty of witches,’ she said sniffily. ‘At least, I know of them. And you’re the best. Everyone knows about you, H. That talent can’t disappear overnight. We’ll get it back, mark my words.’
I blew my nose.
‘There’s a woman online,’ I said. ‘She says her friend had a similar problem, so I’m hoping she can help out.’
Esme nodded briskly.
‘Good,’ she said. ‘We’ll work out a plan. But for now, we need to get to baby group.’
She grinned at me, a gleam of mischief in her eyes,
‘If anyone’s in need of a shortcake biscuit and a cup of tea in a polystyrene cup, it’s you.’
I groaned, but I didn’t really mean it. I was fiercely independent and didn’t like relying on anyone, even Lou, but every now and then I lowered my defences and I was always pleasantly surprised by the result. Esme’s reaction had made me feel much better and I thought that an hour of inane chat about nappies and weaning could be just what I needed to take my mind off things.
Chapter 8
I cleaned my face as well as I could and checked my appearance in the camera on my phone. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving home without my make-up bag or a mirror, but now my bag was filled with organic snacks and bum cream.
My efforts, though, were in vain. When we arrived at baby group, one of Esme’s friends stood up to greet us. She was dressed the same as Esme, except her T-shirt was red and she was wearing a long, skinny scarf round her neck. She had shiny dark-blonde hair and a lovely smile and looked very friendly and nice. I wanted to hate her.
‘This is my cousin, Harry,’ Esme said. ‘This is Rebecca.’
Rebecca looked at me, taking in my red eyes.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Bad morning?’
Her unexpected kindness made me want to cry again. I nodded and she swooped.
‘Come and sit down,’ she said, steering me towards the corner where there was a sofa and several chairs with women sitting chatting.
‘There’s lots to entertain the children here and I’ll get you a cup of tea.’
I took Finn and Fiona out of the buggy and put them on the carpet. They both crawled off to investigate the new toys on offer. Rebecca handed me a biscuit and a mug of tea ‒ Esme had obviously been exaggerating when she said it was polystyrene cups.
The other mums were pretty nice. They were a real mixed bunch and I felt they were way too interested in the minutiae of baby-rearing, but I couldn’t fault them. Rebecca had a glint in her eye that I liked, and another woman ‒ Vicky – seemed to have a good sense of humour and she looked vaguely familiar, though I couldn’t place her. I didn’t really interact much, I had to admit. I’d never lacked self-confidence before but now I found I couldn’t really think of anything to say. The other women, though, didn’t push me, and I found I was content to just sit and listen to their – what I considered to be quite inane – chatter about sleep routines and nursery applications. I hoped the mums at the witches’ baby group would be just as nice.
There was one sticky moment when Fi had a face-off with a slightly bigger toddler over a book. The little girl gripped it tightly in her podgy fingers and stared at Fiona as if daring her to come and get it. I nudged Esme and we both watched as Fiona looked at the book, then looked down at her own hand. She flexed her fingers and Esme and I both leaped to our feet. Esme twitched her own fingers and there was a clatter from the hall’s kitchen that made all the other mums look round. With everyone distracted, I swept Fiona up into my arms just as she wiggled her little sausage fingers. The book wobbled in mid-air, then dropped to the floor, the little girl picked it up again, looking slightly confused, but no one else noticed. Disaster averted.
‘So what did you think,’ Esme asked as we walked home. ‘They’re nice, right?’
‘They are nice,’ I admitted. ‘I just think it’s weird to be thrown together with people I’ve got nothing in common with except the ages of our children. They’re not that interesting.’
‘They’re not just mums,’ Esme said, an edge to her voice. ‘Don’t ever think people are just mums.’
That was exactly what I’d been doing. I said nothing.
‘Do you remember I went to that doctors’ dinner thing with Jamie a couple of weeks ago?’ she went on. I nodded.
‘One of the men on our table was talking about a problem his brother was having with his divorce – financial stuff. He asked everyone’s opinion on it except mine.’
‘Ouch,’ I said, flinching. Esme was a solicitor who specialised in family law and was a fiercesome person to have on your side if you were unfortunate enough to need a divorce.
‘What did you do?’
Esme gave me a small smile.
Well, fortunately at that moment, I saw someone I knew across the room. So I excused myself, and as I went I gave his wife my card and told her that if she ever needed any help to call me.’
She gave a little laugh.
‘And the best thing is, she did.’
‘Excellent work,’ I said.
Esme gave me a steely look.
‘You’re doing the same thing as he did,’ she said. ‘All those women have other things they do apart from being mums. I don’t just mean jobs. I mean hobbies and interests, responsibilities, opinions. Don’t write them off, H.’
That was me told.
‘So tomorrow we tackle the witches,’ I said, changing the subject before she told me off again. ‘I hope they’re nice too.’
We’d reached Esme’s house so I gave her a brief hug goodbye.
‘Thank you for looking out for the twins today,’ I said. ‘I appreciate it.’
Esme squeezed me tight.
‘No prob,’ she said as I wriggled away from her embrace. ‘Harry, you must tell Lou how you’re feeling and what’s been going on. I bet she’s noticed already.’
‘Maybe,’ I said. Then, as I saw Esme’s stern face, I reconsidered. ‘Okay, okay. I will.’
Chapter 9
To: MildredHubble
From: Jasmine55
Hi Mildred,
Urgh, what a day. I gritted my teeth and went to my cousin’s baby group. It was fine. Nice. But I still found it difficult. Do you ever have trouble holding a conversation? I never used to be short of things to say, but now just making small talk is proving really tricky for me. I can’t think of what I want to say, or I go over and over it in my head trying to make it sound right, and then the moment’s passed and I realise I’ve said nothing at all. It sort of feels like I’m watching things through a window or from behind a screen. It’s odd and it’s upsetting. This isn’t me. It’s not how I am. Am I rambling? I just want to feel normal again.
Jx
To: Jasmine55
From MildredHubble
Dear Jasmine,
Obviously I didn’t know you before – I’ve never seen the ‘real you’ ‒ but it sounds to me like you’re really struggling. And what I want to say to you is that you have to be kind to yourself. My friend’s powers came back when she accepted she couldn’t mend that bit of her life, but she could mend other bits. I think that’s the way to approach it.
Mx
To: MildredHubble
From: Jasmine55
What do you mean, mend other bits?
Jx
To: Jasmine55
From: MildredHubble
Dear Jasmine,
I don’t want to ‘speak’ out of turn, and forgive me if I’ve taken this too far, but I think you might be depressed. From what I remember, loss of powers is a way depression shows itself in witches. My friend was under a lot of stress, she had a lot on her plate and things just got a bit too much for her. So she tackled it like you’d tackle depression. She had a stressful job, so she took a sabbatical. She wanted to use her energy in another way so she took up running. She started eating healthily and ditched junk food. She nurtured herself. And she asked for help. I know you’re telling me, but can you tell your partner? Or someone else?
Love Mildred x
From: Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Hi Mildred,
I told my cousin today. I was so scared of telling anyone, but she was great. She thinks I should tell my partner. It’s hard though, isn’t it? I don’t want to seem weak.
Jx
From: MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
Do it. Can you tell your partner today? Are you married? Sickness and health, remember? I’m sure he’ll be supportive.
Mx
From Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Ah. We are married, yes. But he’s not a he. He’s a she. And she’s great. Amazing. Supportive. Caring. Kind. And I’m still nervous about telling her.
Jx
From: MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
Jasmine,
She sounds wonderful. Tell her today. Promise? And will you think about going to the doctor too? I think it might be worth finding out if there’s some more help you can get. Of course I’ll help you too. Do you have an unhealthy lifestyle we can work on? Are things a bit out of control? I know I’m a demon for eating rubbish when I’m stressed.
Mildred x
From: Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Dear Mildred
How ridiculous that I’m relieved that you’re okay with me being married to a woman. I’ve never been ashamed of my sexuality, ever. But I’m so unsure of everything right now that it was another worry. I really feel we could be good friends, so it means a lot to me that you’re fine with things.
Anyway, I don’t have an unhealthy lifestyle really. It’s more the other way if I’m honest. I do a lot of yoga but I’ve lost my appetite and I can see I’ve got a bit thin. I should probably make an effort to cook more. Perhaps order some recipe books on Amazon. I’m not great in the kitchen – I get cross that it’s something that doesn’t really respond to witchcraft! Can you cook?
Jx
From MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
Dear Jasmine,
I can cook actually. And I agree that it doesn’t really respond to witchcraft. I remember once trying to enchant a lasagne – the mess was horrendous! Though I’ve got a few witchy shortcuts that I rely on, I must be honest. I get spoons to stir themselves, and pots to turn themselves off before they boil over. I find it all helps me be more like Nigella. And when it comes to birthday cakes, then I just bake the sponge and let the decorating do its own thing. My daughter wanted a Frozen cake for her last birthday – she was thrilled with the castle I somehow created out of two sponges and a few ice cream cones. I was thanking my lucky stars for the help of magic that day.
And of course I use witchcraft for cleaning. I’ve not Hoovered for years – I just set the old Dyson going by itself and wave a hand at the dishwasher to get all the dirty dishes inside – and then out again when it’s done. It’s pretty cushy, isn’t it? But even then I sometimes feel hard done by because I’m just an average witch. I can sort the laundry with a charm and get the washing machine going with a flutter of my fingers, but I can’t actually conjure up clean dishes or magic a whole wardrobe full of clean clothes like I know some witches can. I’m sounding like a spoiled brat now! Lord only knows what I’d be like if I had to separate out my own whites and coloureds before putting them in the washing machine, or wash up a sink of dishes, or iron! I just plug the iron in and off it goes. Thank goodness.
Mx
From: Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Mildred,
Imagine how I feel! I’ve gone from being this domestic goddess – because of course I don’t actually have to do anything at all – to being useless. I had to get L – that’s my wife – to show me how the washing machine works the other day. The sooner I get my powers back, the better. I’m not sure how other people manage to have a life and still keep their houses clean. Perhaps they just pay for cleaners? Actually, that’s not a bad idea…
Jx
From: MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
I have to go. Good luck telling L.
Mx
Chapter 10
Back home after baby group, the kids managed a quick lunch with drooping eyes. Their fun morning had worn them out. I took them upstairs and tucked them into their cots, but Fi protested so loudly when I put her down, reaching out to Finn, that I scooped her up and tucked her in next to her brother. She sighed happily, clasped his hand in hers and fell asleep, their little faces close to each other.
I pulled out my phone and took a photo to send to Lou. She replied straightaway with a heart. I smiled.
Exhausted myself, I went into our bedroom and lay down on the bed with my iPad, scrolling through my history until I found InHarmony and the messages I’d been exchanging with Mildred while the kids had eaten their lunch. She’d left our conversation a bit abruptly and I wanted to see if she was back online. There was no sign of her though.
I lay back on the bed, disappointed that she’d gone so soon, and re-reading her messages. Depression, I thought. It was definitely possible and in fact it wasn’t the first time I’d thought of it. The twins’ arrival had thrown my carefully ordered world into chaos. I adored being a mum but it was a big adjustment, especially for someone like me who liked to be in control. My lack of energy, my exhaustion and listlessness, the loss of appetite and how much weight I’d lost, suggested something wasn’t quite right. I was more than a bit thin; my wedding band spun on my bony finger and my size ten skinny jeans hung off my hips. My hair was even falling out. It was staring me in the face but I just hadn’t wanted to accept it. Depression was a frightening word. And yet… I closed my eyes, feeling strangely relieved that I had an answer. And possibly a solution. Now I knew what was wrong I could start to get better. But first I had to tell Louise.
She came home late again that night, but I’d waited up for her, nervously flicking through the channels on the TV.
When she came in the door, she smiled as she came upstairs and saw me sitting on the sofa.
‘Hello,’ she said, grinning at me. ‘I saw the light on and hoped you’d still be up…’
She tailed off as she saw my worried face.
‘What’s wrong?’ she said. ‘Are the kids okay?’
‘They’re fine,’ I said. I took her hands and pulled her down to sit on the sofa. ‘I just need to tell you something.’
‘H, you’re scaring me,’ Louise said. ‘Are you okay?’
I took a breath.
‘I’m just going to talk,’ I said. ‘Let me get it out and then ask questions.’
