‘Don’t be so rude!’ Kirsten admonishes her.
And Harriet pouts, doesn’t answer, and refuses to budge a further inch. So Kirsten has to drag her from the building and forcibly put her into the car. On the way home, rather than prattling to Kirsten about her day, Harriet stares out of the window. Why did Kirsten have to take it into her head to do some ‘parenting’? Maybe Harriet just wanted some alone time with Mummy, hence the dragging away from the teacher, and Kirsten spoilt it.
Another evening started all wrong.
And it doesn’t get much better. By the time Ian is finally home, dinner is burnt – the period it took to placate Harriet exceeded the optimum cooking length for chops – and half-eaten. Kirsten is trying to salvage the evening. A glass of red wine down, she is curled up on the sofa, head resting against Harriet’s as they read a book.
Ian blusters in, breaking the hard-won calm.
‘Evening, all!’ he says, taking off his coat, and throwing it on a sofa.
Kirsten resists the urge to mutter ‘Finally’. Instead, she nods to the wine on the table.
‘Want some?’ she asks, half-heartedly.
Ian shakes his head. ‘Nah, I’ll leave it to you.’
Kirsten finds implicit criticism that the bottle of wine will soon deplete. But he’s probably right.
Ian plants a kiss on each of their foreheads. Harriet gives him a big hug, which he accepts but only fleetingly returns.
‘I’ll go and rescue the supper, shall I?’ Ian says.
‘We’ve eaten,’ Kirsten tells him.
‘Anything left for me?’ he asks.
She shakes her head. ‘Didn’t think you’d be back in time. There’ll be something else, though. Check the fridge.’
She turns back to the book. She tries to re-create the mood, but it’s gone. Harriet is distracted. Soon, Ian mooches back in with some pitta bread and hummus.
‘How was Harriet’s first day?’ he asks. ‘How was it, sweetie?’
‘We had to draw our holidays,’ she says.
Kirsten shares a look with Ian, seeing his understanding.
The conversation moves on.
‘And how was your day, sweetheart?’ Ian asks Kirsten, rubbing her shoulders. ‘Any tricky patients?’
‘It’s not the patients that are tricky, it’s trying to run a business while trying to raise a child basically single-handedly. That’s tricky!’
‘Hush, Kirsten, not in front of—’
Shit, he’s right, of course. She should have bitten her tongue – every time she snaps like this, she gets one step closer to being her parents, everything turning into an argument. ‘Sorry. Sorry, both of you. Bit stressed.’ Kirsten kisses both of them on the forehead, then sits back on the sofa.
‘But, Ian, do you know, all my competitors offer early morning and late evening appointments?’ she continues. ‘All of them, without exception. I’m never going to make it, working in school hours only.’
‘So go back to the public sector,’ he says, joshing her. It’s a running joke, that she’s gone private, while he remains wedded to the state sector. She rolls her eyes. He grins. ‘Or, more realistically, take on a partner,’ Ian tells her.
He says it like it’s so easy.
‘I can’t afford to take on a partner until there’s a business case, and there won’t be a business case until I make more money!’
‘So we’ll get an au pair, like you said,’ Ian counters.
‘It’s not about an au pair, Ian. It’s about you … being here.’
Sometimes, late at night, they sit on the sofa and listen to each other’s concerns. Address them all rationally, over an equally split bottle of wine. This is not one of those occasions.
Harriet gets up and leaves the room.
‘We’re not really bickering, darling, come back!’ Kirsten calls after her.
‘Sweetie, it’s OK—’ Ian joins in.
Kirsten stands, ready to follow Harriet.
‘It’s not, though, is it?’ Kirsten says. ‘It’s not OK.’
Ian climbs off the sofa and kneels in front of Kirsten.
‘It is OK. You’re just stressed. I’m sorry. I’ll try to get home earlier. OK? Maybe I don’t need to shadow all the teachers running up to the inspection, just the problem ones.’
‘You sure you won’t miss the time with the students?’
The comment hangs in the air. Their shared past, ever present.
‘Kirsten, come on. Let’s try to salvage this. I’ll go and find Harriet. You put your feet up, do work emails, whatever. You deserve it, OK?’
She nods, but she feels her jaw pumping.
Ian stands and kisses her on the top of her head.
Together, they go up the stairs to Harriet’s bedroom. She’s sitting on her bed, talking to her teddy bear. Kirsten gestures not to disturb Harriet so they hover outside the room. Ridiculous, to eavesdrop, but it’s the only way inside Harriet’s head sometimes.
‘You do not do that, no no no!’ shouts Harriet, in a little kiddy shout. ‘Bad bear!’
And then she hits the bear across the face.
Christ. Who has she learnt that from?
Kirsten makes to go into the room, but Ian holds out a hand to stop her.
‘Let me,’ he whispers. ‘You did this afternoon. Go downstairs and put your feet up.’
Kirsten shrugs, lets him go in. But after the bear exchange, she’s not about to leave Ian alone with Harriet. She wants to be sure of what goes on. So she moves out of the doorway, does some loud stepping on the spot to imitate going downstairs, then stays where she can hear.
‘I’m sorry about the shouting, sweetheart,’ she hears Ian say.
She can’t see Harriet’s reaction, but Ian continues.
‘Sometimes grown-ups just get a bit angry with themselves, and they take it out on each other.’ It’s a platitude, but Kirsten’s not sure she could do better.
‘As long as they don’t take it out on their children,’ says Harriet, very seriously. ‘Children are there to make people happy.’
Kirsten blinks back tears. She makes it sound so simple.
‘That’s right, sweetie,’ Kirsten hears Ian say. ‘Did someone teach you that?’
‘My new teacher, she’s great,’ Harriet says.
There’s rustling, maybe a hug. ‘I’m so glad you like her, sweetheart.’
‘And the playground is brilliant. Look, I got two more scabs.’
Harriet showed them to Kirsten earlier. Kirsten had kissed each one of them. She can’t see how Ian reacts, but hears ‘I love you, Daddy’.
‘I love you too, sweetheart.’ So. He’s being good, caring Daddy now. Makes a change. But credit where it’s due. Kirsten is about to sneak away downstairs, when Harriet speaks again.
‘I love Mummy too but please will you tell her she doesn’t need to shout? We can still hear if she uses her gentle voice.’
Kirsten closes her eyes and leans against the wall. Her child shouldn’t have to say this.
‘I can ask her, sweetie, but I don’t know if she’ll listen,’ she hears Ian say. Great, so much for spousal support.
‘You’ll have to make her listen.’
Then Ian again: ‘You’re right, sweetheart. I’ll have to make her listen. One way or another.’
Kirsten feels a little chill spread over her at the words, then shakes it off. He’s just trying to reassure their daughter. She could walk into the room, say she is persuaded, that she will use her gentle voice from now on. Ask Ian to explain what he means. But no. Gentle voice here means retreat. Don’t spoil this rare father-daughter bonding session. Retreat. Pad softly downstairs and leave them to it. Whatever ‘it’ is.
Chapter 7
MIRIAM, SEPTEMBER 2018
Miriam’s stomach rumbles. She should eat. She looks from her lesson plans to her watch: 7.30 p.m. Kiddy bedtime. Imagine them now, all the parents, tucking in their kids. If only it could be her. Brushing those strands of beautiful hair away from the little ones’ faces to make room for a kiss. Maybe another bedtime story, another lullaby. Then turn off the light, leave the room to be lit by the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.
OK, they can’t all do that – look at stars. They can’t all have had the same bedroom ceiling as Miriam did. Back when things were sweet, innocent, untrammelled. How she used to stare at those stars, be soothed by them, when things were bad. They were her little bits of magic, adorning the ceiling. She’ll never see that room again.
Miriam puts down her pen and gets up from her desk (i.e. the one table her flat possesses – mean old landlord). She can’t plan anymore. First, the lesson is the most over-planned one ever. (She had the full first week planned the day after she got the job.) Second, how can she enthuse children when her empty stomach is making her maudlin? The big picture is too distracting – after all, she became a teacher so that she could one day hope to have a child of her own. The right one. The one that she could win over, slowly but surely, so that the parents sort of … fade away. Individual planning of lessons seems too trivial compared with that, even though she knows that gently, gently, little by little, is the way to win that trust.
Plus, the fridge is calling to her. She walks over to the kitchenette and opens the door. The glow illuminates the room and she realises she’s been working unlit. Terrible for the eyes and the mood. Happy thoughts, please – dream job, dream children, dream future. That’s what it’s all about.
She fishes out some noodles from the fridge, adds a bit of extra soy sauce. She contemplates the desk/table, wondering if it’s worth the effort to clear stuff away just now so she can eat. Probably not – sofa’s just as good for dining alone. She picks up the school-issued A4 picture sheet of the children she teaches, and takes that and the noodles to the sofa. Gingerly, she puts her feet up on the edge of the bucket that’s meant to be catching the drips. (Seriously – when is her so-called landlord coming over? She needs to text him again later.)
How unalike so many of the photos are to the children they’re trying to capture. Harriet, for example (of course). She looks so washed-out, so wall-eyed, and her hair dulled. In the picture, that is. In the flesh, she is so much more … nuanced. A living, breathing child, not just a mark on a bit of paper. Look at all the others. So beautiful to their parents – and not unbeautiful to Miriam, either. Or each other, as time moves on. Miriam wonders who Harriet’s little friends will be. The ones she’ll stay friends with in future, right through high school. The ones who’ll mess her life up if she lets them.
She’ll be asleep by now, probably – they all will. What will Mr and Mrs – sorry, Mr and Dr – White be doing? Hold on, maybe she doesn’t want to know! But no, maybe more likely sitting downstairs with a big glass of red wine each? Reminding each other all the ways Harriet is wonderful? Such a cosy notion of parenthood. Is it like that, being in a marriage like theirs, with the little one asleep upstairs? Or is it just tapping away at smartphones, preparing for another working day? Where Miriam’s work involves teaching Harriet, their work involves palming her off on teachers. Not that it would do for her to be home-schooled. Certainly not.
Miriam places the photo sheet carefully on the floor and exhales. Come on. Enjoy this. It’s what you’ve been working for. It’s a success! First day in a new job, no disasters, all the kids are compliant, the other staff are fine. You have your special child to make a project of. All good.
She looks up at the ceiling. No stars to gaze at here. Perhaps she could catch a shooting star out the window? Make a wish on it? Because unfortunately for Miriam, a good day isn’t enough. The anxiety never goes away. What if the kids are unhappy? What if they aren’t treated right? What if they end up … well, like her?
She needs to take her mind off this. So she does her other usual favourite/least favourite thing. She summons up Facebook on her phone and looks into other worlds. Or rather a specific world. A woman with her young daughter. A girl she’s no longer allowed to look after. Apparently Miriam’s judgement is ‘off’. But look at that girl. Such a pretty little thing, eating an ice cream, hair all done up with ribbons. Miriam would so love to be the one posting those pictures. She remembers holding the little baby, how small and precious it was, how she wanted it to be with her for her own, always. It wasn’t meant to end that way. So she’ll just have to Facebook stalk. For now.
Chapter 8
KIRSTEN, SEPTEMBER 2018
It was bound to happen.
Kirsten just wishes it hadn’t been so public. That it hadn’t been in front of Harriet.
Ian wasn’t without fault. He knows the pressure Kirsten’s under. Knows that this plus a little bit too much red wine on a school night – yes, she’s a doctor, she should know better – isn’t going to make the school run any smoother. Just don’t take the piss. Not unless you want a fight.
But yes, she knows the rest is down to her. She messed up, big time. Again. She sits down at her desk and puts her head in her hands. Someone cancelled – thank God – so she has ten minutes between appointments. She pops another ibuprofen and chases it down with some sparkling water. The hangover’s been replaced by a stress headache.
‘Maybe you shouldn’t have had that extra glass of wine,’ was Ian’s suggestion this morning, while Kirsten was struggling with the idea of wrenching herself out of bed.
She had to retaliate, right?
‘Maybe you should have been there to stop me, rather than doing whatever the hell you were doing.’
‘Putting our daughter to bed,’ he told her.
‘What – you do one thing, and suddenly I’m the alcoholic; you’re the caring responsible one?’
And then, of course, Ian tried to play the grown-up. Kirsten could see him counting to ten, his jaw pulsing, nostrils flaring.
‘Look,’ he said, finally. ‘Let’s both try to get home on time tonight. Cook dinner. Spend some time with Harriet. Maybe we could watch a film. Like the old days.’
Sounded nice, didn’t it? Of course it did. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe it would mean allowing herself to relax. So instead, she flew off the handle.
‘These aren’t the old days, Ian. We have a child. I’m trying to set up a business. When would I have time to watch a film?’
So he muttered under his breath: ‘You don’t seem to be trying very hard.’
Come on, really? She built up that place from scratch – selected the premises, painted the walls, did all the marketing, chose the sodding cushions, for goodness’ sake! And she’s got to keep on climbing; she can’t just bail. She’s committed too much, borrowed too much from her parents – they need to be repaid in the pride of being able to send cards to their ‘Dr’ daughter.
So they got on to listing what the particular demands on their time were. Kirsten recalls they were shouting by then. That may or may not have been what woke Harriet. But either way, she was at their bedroom door just as Kirsten was yelling: ‘Of course I wish there was someone else to look after Harriet – I do not have time and you don’t have the love!’
And he nodded to the door. And there she was. Harriet. Holding a little pile of bread on one of her toy plates, perhaps meant for one of her parents. But she didn’t offer it to them; she just stood very still for a few moments then bolted, crying.
Exactly what Kirsten had promised herself she wouldn’t be like as a parent. Her mum and dad fought constantly but refused to divorce ‘for the good of the children’. She wasn’t sure how their snarky, bitter quarrels, interspersed with crockery being thrown at each other was good for anyone, particularly the children. The great lesson Kirsten learnt from them was how to retort in a fight, how never to let things drop. But Harriet deserves better. Even Ian deserves better, probably.
So of course, Kirsten flew out of bed, sort of assuming that Ian would follow. But he didn’t. Which meant it was Kirsten, going to explain to Harriet, tears in her voice, that sometimes adults say things they don’t mean when they’re angry, and that they both love her very, very much. Then she read her some books, played with some dolls – the usual. By the time they all met again on the doorstop, Kirsten had needed to resign herself to leaving home unshowered, badly dressed and carrying her make-up bag.
Then, the worst bit: Ian looked her up and down. He looked her up and down. And he said, ‘Are you going in like that?’
Bastard. Kirsten, too, was sorry she wasn’t ten years younger and couldn’t slide on some lip salve, throw on a T-shirt and be voted ‘Doctor with bedside manner of the year’. Sorry that looking professional and suitable for the outside world took time.
What she should have done was ask him to look after Harriet for ten minutes while she went and made herself look a bit better.
What she actually did was hit him over the head with her make-up bag.
Forgot, again, about Harriet. Got caught in the cycle of anger. And forgot, too, that foundation bottles are made of glass. So they create quite an impact. Though he was really over-egging it when he stumbled and leant on the car for support. Kirsten, of all people, knows concussion when she sees it – and that wasn’t it.
But Yvette from next door didn’t necessarily know. Which is presumably why she came rushing towards them, remote-locking her white Audi as she did so.
‘Oh, Ian,’ she cooed, face all covered in concern. ‘I saw everything. Are you OK?’ Her hand on his arm, helping him up. A glance at Kirsten, like she was the devil.
‘We’ve got it covered,’ Kirsten told her. ‘It’s been a busy morning. But in my medical opinion, he’s fine.’
She saw Ian gently trying to manipulate his arm out of Yvette’s grasp. ‘Honestly, Yvette, it’s OK. I’d better be driving off,’ he said. ‘My class won’t wait.’
But Yvette wasn’t having it.
‘Oh, you can’t possibly drive after that!’ she exclaimed. ‘Kirsten will have to drive you.’
‘Kirsten is very busy,’ Kirsten said drily. ‘She has to drive her daughter to school and then go to work.’ Christ, she was thinking. Come on, Yvette, just give us some private family time, OK? Stop interfering. Maybe she was good-natured, but a good-natured busybody is still a busybody.
Kirsten turned to Harriet. ‘Come on, sweetie, let’s get you to school, hey? Sorry about this.’
She tried to hug Harriet to her in order to make the point, but Harriet refused to budge. Hugging her teddy bear seemed to be enough for her. Frankly, Kirsten felt the same – give her a day on the pavement hugging a soft toy over this mess.
Yvette then came out at her fake best. ‘Oh, of course, I quite understand. You are so busy. I don’t know how you do it. Let me drop Ian off then.’
‘But it’s miles out of your way!’ said Ian. ‘You can’t possibly do that. I’ll get a cab if you’re that worried.’
‘I was actually heading over your way to see someone about upholstery – so it’s right on track. Come on, hop in,’ she said, gesturing to the Audi. ‘And I can bring you home again too!’
Yvette has some kind of pretend job Kirsten has never understood. Interior design brokering services or something. It basically means everyone else does the work and Yvette is mentioned in lots of magazines, which she reads out to people over coffee.
‘Yvette, you know that’s unnecessary,’ Kirsten told her, voice low. But Ian was already walking (unsteadily) to the car. ‘Ian, tell her it’s fine,’ she pleaded with him. They’d squabbled, sure, but it was their marriage, right?
Yvette turned to Kirsten, allowing herself a little smile. ‘I know lots of things, Kirsten. Let me be the judge of what’s necessary.’
Her words chill Kirsten, even thinking back over them again now. I know lots of things, Kirsten. What did she mean by that? She’d moved in just after Harriet came along. Bought the house through a private sale, friend of a friend of their previous neighbour. Who, if Kirsten isn’t mistaken, didn’t know anything about what mattered.
‘Ian!’ Kirsten called to him. ‘I’m sorry, OK? We’ll talk this evening.’ She tried to muster up some tenderness that she didn’t feel. Never start the day in the middle of an argument, right? But he wouldn’t even look at her. She could feel her eyes tearing up – life was not meant to be like this, her marriage was not meant to turn into this – so she had to turn her attention back to Harriet.
She tried to persuade her into the Lexus with as little fuss as possible.
‘Let’s see if I’ve got any mini-cheddars, hey?’ Kirsten asked her, in her best sing-song voice.
Harriet looked momentarily interested. Kirsten rifled round in her handbag and found a rustling packet.
‘Ooh, ooh, this sounds promising!’ Kirsten said, hoping it wasn’t sanitary wear. She pulled out her spoils. Oh. Crisps. Not even kiddy ones – those posh Kettle Chip things, an emergency snack. ‘Oh sorry, sweetie, it’s not mini-cheddars. You can’t have these.’
But of course, Harriet reached out her hand. Kirsten gave her the crisps, and stooped down to wipe away her tears. Harriet wriggled her face away.
‘You’ll understand one day,’ Kirsten told her.
But Kirsten hoped she wouldn’t. She hoped Harriet would always be innocent. As innocent as she could be, anyway, considering.
They had the same problem getting into school. After a difficult car journey, Harriet was on strike. Once they arrived, Kirsten had to sit next to her in the back, reading her a story. Then sit on the pavement and coax her out with the bribe of chocolate for supper (hoping she’d have forgotten by then). Thankfully, Kirsten didn’t think any of the parents heard. Although, when she turned back to face the school, she saw Harriet’s new teacher standing there. She didn’t know what the teacher saw, but it couldn’t have been the worst. Kirsten waved to her, made a little grimace, but the teacher went back into the building. Harriet, suddenly willing again, ran after her and was gone before Kirsten even had time to kiss her on the head.
Suddenly Kirsten was alone, the surreal, chaotic whirlwind of the morning finally over. Until she looked at her watch and saw her first patient would be there in fifteen minutes.
And so it has been, non-stop, until this break that is nearly over.
At times Kirsten secretly wishes she could have nothing more to do with Ian and Harriet. That she could just not get the weekly shop in, which she does so that Ian and Harriet are always well supplied with their favourite foods. Not sort out paying the bills, so they continue to have a warm, light home. Not read the books at bedtime with Harriet, then listen to Ian de-stressing from his day. Not have to do the school run. Just walk away.
But of course, she never would. Because she loves Harriet too much to do anything like that to her. And Ian too. Of course she does. It’s just that – how is this her life now? How is it that, however hard she tries, she can’t get everything right? She doesn’t mean ‘anything’ – if she just had to get one thing right a day, that would fine. But to get it all right? Too much to ask.
Time was, she would have called her best friend and fellow former med student turned psychiatrist, Clare. They’d meet for a glass of wine, or if that was too difficult, they’d just chat on the phone while drinking their own. But she couldn’t do that anymore. It wasn’t that they’d drifted or got new best friends. Their friendship had become … compromised.
Chapter 9
BECKY, 1 AUGUST 2012
Day one of the summer school. Everyone is congregated in the hall for a warm-up. It’s not Becky’s school; it’s a posher, bigger one. This is called the Main Hall, as though there are other ones. At the stage end, sitting with their legs swinging off the edge, are the cool girls. Caitlin is there in cut-off denim shorts, of course. She’s not the only one. Maybe there was a message – this is what we’re wearing today. Except Becky wasn’t on the thread.
She waves at Caitlin, expecting Caitlin to beckon her over. But no – she just gives a dismissive wave and carries on talking to Gwen Collins. Of course she does. They can flick their long blonde hair around together and share candy-cane lip gloss. Subtle? No. Effective? Probably.
