Firefighter With A Frozen Heart

“Maybe,” she said, heading for her car. Although she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Or wasn’t sure if she could. Because right now her head was spinning and her chest hurt. All she wanted to do was get into her car, drive away and go someplace where she could cry for the things that had never been, and the things that never could be. All of them about Jess.

Puttering his way along the back road, Jess wasn’t in any particular hurry to return to his cabin. It wasn’t that he minded being alone. That’s the way he spent most of his life now. In many ways, it was preferable. Getting involved, having someone be the center of his life … what was the point? As much as he’d loved Donna, he hadn’t been able to make the real commitment to her, the one every future bride should expect from the man she’d consented to marry. He’d tried. Gotten involved in the plans, smiled when she’d talked about the dream. Their dream. But she’d known he’d been struggling with all that … permanence. Had asked him about it, even though he’d denied it. Yet it had been something he hadn’t been able to hide, and the closer they’d got to that permanence, the more it had shown on him. Then he’d hurt her and for that he’d never forgive himself. She’d loved him and in return he’d broken her heart.

Was that what she’d been thinking about when she was killed—her broken heart, his inability to be everything she deserved?

Even now, two years after Donna’s death, there wasn’t a day that went by when he didn’t replay those last few moments with her. Could he have done something different? Been different for her? Maybe faked the feelings? Faked the whole happy with the domestic lifestyle thing until he had settled in and it had become a habit?

Donna Ingram. Beautiful. Smart. Full of life. She’d always led with her heart and, in so many ways, he envied that. All she’d wanted had been a normal life with a man who’d never had normal in his life. Impossible odds, as it had turned out. And overwhelming regrets.

Tonight Donna was on his mind, as she often was. Tonight, though, Julie Clark was also on his mind, but for other reasons. Julie had been his first love and, once upon a time, they’d made plans, too. Sure, their plans had been childish. They’d talked about running away together. Or maybe getting jobs and saving their money so they could backpack or bike across America, or Canada, or the whole of Europe. Impractical plans that had seemed so real and so exciting for a short time. But then Julie had thought she was pregnant, and, stupid kid that he was, he’d been thrown for a big curve. So he’d taken the easy way out by listening to his dad. It’s a trap, Jess. That’s all it is. She’s setting a trap for you. So, don’t be stupid, son. Kick her to the curb before it’s too late, before she ruins your life. Yeah, great advice from a drunk child abuser and overall mean slimeball of a man who’d masqueraded as the town doctor. The hell of it was, he’d listened. He’d accused, he kicked, then he’d run. What a jerk!

But that was only the first time. He’d pretty much done the same thing with Donna, hadn’t he? Maybe not kicking her to the curb so much as edging her there. Being gentle, trying not to hurt her in the process. But it was all the same and, in the end, he’d hurt her anyway.

Now, tonight, an entire lifetime of miserable failures was poking him from every side, and he just wasn’t in the mood to be poked alone. So, turning off the main road, Jess headed back to Lilly Lake. Brassard’s Pub was as good place as any to be in a bad mood. He didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t care to play darts. But he craved the noise. Wanted it all around him. Wanted it to permeate every pore in his body, reminding him that he was still alive since he wasn’t even so sure about that. So, yes, Brassard’s was the place. Loud jukebox, louder bartender, and on a good night, a crowd that could be heard halfway over to the next county. Yes, it was exactly where he wanted to be.

“Jess!” the bartender yelled across the noisy room. The owner-bartender, Will Brassard, was also head of the Lilly Lake Volunteer Fire Department. “I heard you inhaled.”

Jess thought about waving him off in favor of an isolated corner, but Will was a nice guy, married to a nice woman, father of some nice kids. Living the life Jess had thought he’d have by now. “Twice,” he shouted back. “I inhaled twice.”

“So what did they give you for it?” Will shouted. “A commendation?”

If only … “Two weeks vacation.” Rather than shouting the story, which he knew he was about to tell, he shoved his way through the crowd, half of them dancing to the music, and made his way to the bar stool on the end, the one where he didn’t have to sit and face himself in the mirror behind the bar. “Two long, restful weeks up at the cabin, looking at the walls, pacing the floor and taking up knitting because … let’s just say that I didn’t follow orders as well I should have. Funny how that works out, isn’t it?”

Laughing, Will held out his hand in greeting. “Well, my wife knits, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, because if you don’t follow the knitting rules, you end up getting … well, to me it looks like a big ball of knots. So, if you’re looking for some activity …” He pointed to the far end of the room, where several of the locals were engaged in what seemed to be a rather bland card game … one eye on the cards, one eye on the old, large-screen, rear-projector TV where reruns of a college basketball game were wobbling across the screen in hues of green and orange.

“Not my thing, but thanks for the offer. Likewise, don’t do darts.”

Will started to point to the beer tap, but stopped. “That’s right. You don’t drink either, do you?”

“Because I’m boring as hell. I work and I sleep. And when I get back to Lilly Lake, I don’t even do that much.”

“So, why are you here tonight? You’ve been coming back home off and on for a year now, and I don’t think you’ve ever been in here. In fact, other than passing you on the road a time or two, this is the first time I’ve seen you, period.”

He genuinely liked Will. They’d known each other in school. Not too well, but well enough to know that the boy Will Brassard had turned into a good man. “It seemed like a good place to stop, and since I was in a stopping mood …”

“Coffee?” Will offered. “Or a soft drink?”

“Coffee’s good.”

“And let me guess. You’d rather have it over there at the table in the corner, so you don’t have to put up with me talking to you, or asking questions.”

“Actually, that was my intent when I came in here. But I think I’ll stay at the bar, if you don’t mind a non-drinker taking up a perfectly good drinking spot.”

Will laughed. “Any firefighter is welcome at my bar, for any reason, any time. No matter what they’re not drinking. Stay as long as you like.”

It was a friendly invitation, and Jess appreciated it. But by the time he’d polished off his third cup of coffee, he was restless again. Even the noise and activity weren’t enough tonight. Problem was, he wasn’t sure what was. No point in staying here, though. Not when the night was young and someone paying for more than a cup of coffee might want his seat. So Jess dropped a generous tip in the tip jar, saluted his farewell to Will, and headed for the door. But before he got there, a shout above the crowd stopped him.

“We’ve got a run, Jess. Grease fire in the kitchen, out at the lodge. Care to join us?”

Jess’s heart lurched. Did he care to join them? Hell, yes, he cared. In fact, the adrenalin was already pumping.

“May have a couple of minor casualties we have to run into the emergency room,” Will responded. “How about you being our medic on this run?”

Hadn’t Julie said she was working Emergency tonight? Suddenly, he wanted to see her again. He wasn’t sure why, and didn’t have time to think about it as Will tossed his bartender apron to one of the waitresses and leaped over the bar. So maybe this wasn’t going to be a bad vacation, after all. At least, not this part of it.

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