The Start of Us

He laughed. ‘I asked her that. She said it was the magazines.’

I shook my head. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s awful. If I were with someone like you, I’d never let anyone else chat me up at the magazines. Or anywhere, come to think of it.’ My face was suddenly too warm, tingling with the surprise of being so upfront with Daniel, with myself.

Daniel grinned and jumped up from the bench, his hand outstretched for mine. ‘You don’t know that. You never know who you might meet in the knitting magazines section.’

I laughed. ‘I don’t buy knitting magazines!’

He laughed too, moved his hand closer to mine. ‘Well then, I might be safe after all. Come on. You have an important decision to make. Boat trip or back home.’

***

‘Daniel isn’t in love with me at all,’ I say to Amelia now in the restaurant, the memories dissipating in my mind as I speak. ‘We didn’t even really know each other until today. I think he’s just a nice guy. He saw how upset I was at the party and wanted to check I was okay. And he knew it was my birthday. Plus, he wanted to get out of this football thing, so it worked for him too.’ My words rattle on and on, even though in my mind I’m willing myself to shut up.

‘Well, I’m glad you went with him,’ Nicholas cuts in as soon as I pause. ‘It’s only right that you were spoilt a bit today. It sounds like it was just what you needed.’

‘Of course it was,’ Amelia says with a grin. ‘She was swept off her feet! I, on the other hand, have spent most of the day in motorway services changing nappies in filthy toilets. We must have stopped about six times. You should definitely make the most of having a day of romance.’

I shake my head, laughing in spite of myself. ‘Anyway. Enough about me. What do you think Phoebe’s up to?’ I ask her. ‘I bet Mum’s spoiling her. We’ve all been so excited to see her.’

We chat about Phoebe for a while, and then Amelia takes her phone out of her bag to check it for messages. ‘I’ve not heard from your mum, actually. I wonder if Phoebe is asleep yet,’ she says. ‘I think I’ll pop outside where it’s a bit quieter and ring, just to make sure all’s okay.’

When she’s gone I smile at Nicholas. ‘It’s so good to see you. Thanks for coming all this way for my birthday. It means a lot. I know how busy you are. It’ll be lovely to spend a bit of time with Phoebe tomorrow.’

My brother grins back at me. ‘It’s great to see you too. It’s just a shame it couldn’t be for longer. But I was lucky I got out early today. No chance of getting in late on Monday. My timetable is awful.’ He yawns and I laugh.

‘If that’s how you feel about your lessons, I dread to think how your students feel.’

Nicholas laughs too, rolling his eyes at my predictable humour. He has taught maths at a public school in Oxford for years now, and is head of department. I’ve always joked about his lessons, as we are so different that I can’t imagine what he could possibly do to make maths engaging. His status at the school, his constant string of Outstandings and 100 per cent pass rates make my jokes funny because obviously, somehow he manages it.

‘I think it’s happening again,’ I say next, my voice quietening.

Nicholas doesn’t need to ask what. His laugh stops, and his blue eyes widen.

‘I’m scared, Nick. I tried to tell myself that I was dreaming, and was almost managing to believe it. It was quite easy not to think about it too much because I was so preoccupied by what had happened with Mike. But then it happened again tonight, just before we came out. It wasn’t for long. But I’m having to admit to myself that it’s happening again.’

Nicholas puts his fork down. ‘What did you see? When did you go back to?’

I shake my head. ‘It wasn’t the past I watched. It seems to be a different kind of thing now. I think I saw myself, in an alternative life.’

‘Wow,’ Nicholas says leaning forward, the weak light of the candle in the centre of the table making his face glow. ‘A parallel universe?’

‘Yes. It was another version of me, and I think I saw what I’d be doing if I’d made different choices. It seemed like I was in Yorkshire. That was the other day. Tonight I just saw a glimpse of a road, and I couldn’t tell if it was the past or the present. Nothing happened. There were no people there. And I was only gone for a couple of seconds.’

‘I can’t believe it’s happening again. It’s been years, hasn’t it?’

I nod. ‘Yes. I didn’t do it at all when I was with Mike.’

‘And what was the other version of you doing?’

‘It was only a glimpse, really. But I got the feeling that she was more adventurous than I am. She was working in a travel agent’s, and it seemed like that’s what she was into. Travelling the world and seeing new things.’

‘And were you with Mike in this … alternate universe?’

I put my fork down. ‘I don’t know for sure, but I didn’t seem to be.’ Just me and a backpack.

Nicholas leans back again. ‘So do you think you saw it to help you make choices, now that it’s over with Mike?’

I think for a minute. ‘I haven’t managed to work out why it’s started happening again yet. I’ve been worrying more about what will happen if I keep disappearing. When it used to happen, it was only ever school that I missed. And because I knew it would only happen when I was alone, I just stayed with Mum or my friends as much as I could. Then before I met Mike, just before it stopped, I was at college. It hardly mattered that I missed the beginning of a few lessons. But now, it’s different. I have my job, and a life. It’s making me think I shouldn’t have moved out of Mum’s or taken a job where I am alone sometimes.’ I finish the last of my wine, and push my glass away.

‘Try not to panic. Maybe it’s just because you’ve split up with Mike that it’s jump-started the disappearances again. It might just happen to you now and again when you’re going through something.’

We sit for a minute, watching Amelia hover in the doorway of the restaurant as she talks on the phone, an unspoken deal between us to change the subject as soon as she heads back towards us.

‘Anyway, I suppose it has made me think about my decisions, in a way. I think Mike was right about me. I need to do something interesting. There shouldn’t be anything stopping me now, should there? I’m going to get out in the world, and leave Blackpool behind.’

Nicholas narrows his eyes at me. ‘What about your job?’

‘I love my job,’ I say, picking my fork up and spearing a piece of pasta. ‘But my contract was only for three months. And that’s only if I can last that long, if this keeps happening to me.’ I lift the pasta to my lips. It’s cold and gluey now and I chew, forcing it down.

‘But it might not keep happening. And if it does then you’ll find a way to work around it. You don’t have to travel just because Mike told you that you should. It’s a bit cliched, isn’t it? Going off and finding yourself when you have a perfectly nice life here?’

‘There’s another life for me, though. One where I’m not too scared to do anything.’

‘There are thousands of lives for everyone. The only difference is that you’ve somehow seen one of yours. Come on Erica, you of all people should know it’s not that simple. Whatever alternate universe you’ve seen a few minutes of, it wasn’t your life. So you can’t make your life now exactly the same as that one. You won’t be able to work out where it started and the one you’re living now ended.’

Amelia comes back as Nicholas and I stare at each other, our teenage selves strangely brought to life by discussing what we always used to discuss when we were younger.

‘Phoebe’s fine,’ she announces breathlessly. ‘She isn’t asleep. But she isn’t screaming the house down either. So that’s good. What did I miss?’

‘Erica was just telling me that she might be going travelling,’ Nicholas tells her as she sits back down with us.

Amelia smiles at me. ‘Really? Where are you heading?’

‘I’m not sure. There’s a friend of a friend who’s going to Thailand. I might go with her if I can get things in place quickly enough.’

‘Wow. But what about your new man?’ she says with a wink.

I shake my head. ‘My new man probably has a wife or a criminal record he hasn’t told me about. The nice ones normally do. Come on, let’s go and get a drink somewhere.’ I reach in my bag for my purse, and pull out something wrapped in soft blue tissue paper.

‘Is this from you two?’ I ask Nicholas and Amelia. ‘It’s not mine. I didn’t know it was in here.’

They frown, shake their heads, as confused as I am, until I unwrap the paper to reveal a magnet in the shape of a boat.

I burst out laughing. ‘It’s from Daniel. He must have bought it for me and put it in my bag without me seeing. We looked at these in the gift shop today in the Lakes and he joked that he was going to buy me one for my birthday so that I’d remember our boat trip.’ Like I’d forget it, I find myself thinking. The balmy heat of the afternoon, the lazy gliding of the boat, the way Daniel bought our tickets and batted away my offer of money, the stark differences between him and Mike, who would have rolled his eyes at the whole day: the prices of a boat trip, the predictable ice cream on a bench, the lack of beer and friends and music.

‘That’s cute. And totally what a man who’s in love with you would do,’ says Amelia with a raised eyebrow. ‘But what the hell. There’ll be men who fall in love with you in Thailand too.’

‘Cheers to that,’ I say as we clink together our glasses.

Chapter 5

‘So, Erica Silver, there’s something I want to know about you. It’s an important question, so I want you to think very seriously about your answer,’ Daniel says. It’s the second time I’ve spoken to him since our day out. ‘Are you into amusement arcades?’

He called me just as I was arriving back at my flat after meeting Zoe. I think for a moment as I take my keys from my bag and wander from the warm afternoon air into my tiny hallway. ‘Well, I haven’t been to one since I was about eight. But yeah, I think I could give it a go.’

‘Excellent.’

I laugh. ‘Are you going to tell me why this is excellent?’

‘Oh, it’s excellent because I have ten pounds worth of vouchers for the finest arcade on the prom. I had a meeting with the council this morning and they gave me some freebies.’

‘Aw. You saw slot-machine vouchers and thought of me,’ I say, smiling. ‘I’m not sure how to take that.’

‘Oh, it’s a definite compliment. I’ve never said it to anyone else. I can do my work around whenever is good for you.’

I have wanted to see Daniel again since my birthday, and even thought of suggesting it when I called him to thank him for the gesture with the magnet in my bag. But a quiet fear of what he might think, of seeming too full-on, especially so soon after breaking up with Mike, stopped me. Daniel, I think with a smile, has no such fear. I walk into the kitchen and take the magnet from my fridge. I hold it up to my face, press the cheap edges to my lips, before hastily putting it back just in case someone, somewhere, is watching.

‘Any day,’ I tell him. ‘Any day at all.’

***

We go on Tuesday. September has brought autumn suddenly as it sometimes does, carrying with it jagged grey skies and a sharp trace of coolness in the air. We hurry from a downpour into the arcade’s brassy smell of pennies and damp carpet and chips, and within about twenty minutes, we’ve spent all of the vouchers that Daniel split between us.

‘It’s quite worrying how easily ten pounds disappeared in there,’ I say afterwards as we sit in a cafe in town with steaming coffees and slices of chocolate cake. ‘I think they really should have given you more. Cheapskates.’

Daniel reaches into his pocket and drops some more vouchers onto the table. ‘They gave us a few other ones, too. Some were only valid for a day though. And some are clearly just for people with kids.’

‘Look at this one!’ I say, pulling a Blackpool Tower voucher from the crumpled pile.

‘Oh, I think that one’s run out,’ Daniel says, waving his hand.

‘No, it hasn’t! It’s valid till tomorrow! We can do it all! Ballroom, top of the Tower, everything. This is amazing!’ I grin at him. ‘I’m free for the rest of the day,’ I add, brave for a moment.

Daniel cranes his neck, looks out of the cafe’s steamed window into the bleak street beyond. ‘It’s still throwing it down. We won’t be able to see much from the top in this.’

‘I don’t mind. I love the Tower,’ I tell him, feeling nervous that he doesn’t seem too keen. ‘I’ve been to the ballroom, but not all the way to the top for years. You know, when I first moved here, it was really hard. I’d left all my friends behind. I knew nobody and I was only twelve. But then I realised I could see Blackpool Tower from my bedroom window. And somehow, it made things better. I …’ I stop, laughing and putting my head in my hands.

‘Go on. You can’t stop there!’ Daniel says.

I shake my head. ‘I have to. It’s too embarrassing. I’ve never told anybody this.’

‘If you tell me, we can go to the top of the Tower right now,’ he says.

I squirm. ‘Fine,’ I say, pushing my hair from my face. ‘I used to talk to it.’

‘To the Tower?’ he says, markedly hiding a broad smile.

‘Yes. To the Tower. I told you, I had no friends, and it was like a friend to me. I used to sit on my windowsill and chat to it. I told it about school, and how much I missed home, and the about the boys I liked. And so now, when I look at it, I feel like it knows me. I kind of feel like we’re still old friends.’

Daniel smiles at me, and grabs my hand from across the table so that the vouchers dance across the wood like butterflies. ‘You’re completely crazy.’

‘You’re just jealous that the Tower knows all my secrets.’

‘Then maybe I’ll speak to it too. Maybe it’ll tell me them. I’d love to know your crushes.’

‘I can’t believe I told you that,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘I’ve never told anyone.’

‘Really?’ Daniel asks as he begins to pile up our saucers and plates. ‘Not even Mike?’

‘No way. I never would have told him anything like that! I think I pretended to be normal with him.’

‘No wonder it didn’t last.’

I laugh, and swat him as we get up and leave our table, the neatly stacked plates and cake crumbs whisked away instantly by a waiter, as though we were never there.

***

‘I love it here so much’ I say as we wander through the Tower a few minutes later. ‘It reminds me of an old lady. One of those people you can tell used to be so beautiful.’

‘It is pretty special,’ he says. ‘I loved the aquarium in here when I was little.’

‘Me too!’ I say. ‘I used to come every summer with my brother.’

‘I came every summer holiday too. We might have been here together before, you know. Do you ever think about things like that?’

I nod. ‘Always.’ I don’t say anything else, and try to push thoughts of my other life from my mind.

‘I think it’s the history of places like this that make you think all sorts of things about who’s been here before, and what paths have crossed. You can almost feel the past. It’s pretty cool.’

I glance across at Daniel. ‘I’ve never met anyone who thinks like that before.’ I try to say it nonchalantly, and I don’t want to keep bringing Mike up, so I don’t add that Mike would never have come to Blackpool Tower with me, even though I was always trying to persuade him. I even came on my own once. He met his friends in a pub on the prom while I was here. I remember the explosion of laughter from them when I returned to him and said I’d had a wonderful time wandering around alone and drinking coffee in the ballroom. Mike had looked pained, as though he’d wanted to tell them to be quiet but didn’t quite dare.

‘Do you reckon it’s haunted in here?’ Daniel asks as we enter the ballroom.

I turn to him, excited to tell him what I learnt recently when researching the Tower ghosts for a display at Blackpool Museum, where I work. ‘Yes! I’ve just done some reading about that. Apparently this is the most haunted part of the Tower. The man whose idea it all was, and who started the project up to build it, apparently couldn’t bear to leave. So many people have seen him here. And there are other ghosts, too.’

Daniel smiles. ‘Well, it figures. This ballroom wouldn’t be a terrible place to spend eternity. Especially if you knew it wouldn’t have existed without you.’

I look up to the intricate gold ceiling and stalls, the glittering chandeliers above us. ‘I know. It’s the most amazing room I’ve ever been in.’

‘It puts all my projects to shame,’ Daniel says. ‘Although it’s kind of inspiring. Maybe I will put lots of extravagant gilding on my next plan.’

‘What is it?’

‘It’s an office block in Preston.’

I laugh. ‘Then you definitely should. Offices need more gold. Got to keep the workers happy.’

We sit for a while, watching the dancers glide across the gleaming floor.

‘I bet you know loads about Blackpool because of your job at the museum,’ Daniel says. ‘Give me another fact about the ballroom.’

I think for a minute, then my eyes wander to the stage. ‘See up there, the inscription below the carvings?’

Daniel looks up, and narrows his eyes. ‘Yeah. What does it say?’

‘It says, “bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear”. It’s Shakespeare.’

‘Okay,’ says Daniel. ‘I was always better at maths than English. What does it mean?’

I stare at the stage for a minute, thinking about the words. ‘I take it to mean, if you give me a chance to talk, I will tell you something incredible.’

Daniel nods, and our eyes meet.

‘Come on,’ I say, suddenly flustered. ‘Let’s go up to the top.’

***

The steep iron staircases that we climb to the very top of the Tower, the whipping wind and the adrenaline of the sheer height, all contrast sharply with the ornate glamour of the ballroom. Daniel is quiet as I chatter on about everything we can see: the slopes of the rollercoasters on the Pleasure Beach; the silver sea that blurs into the sky.

‘I always try and find my mum’s house,’ I say, leaning against the netting to squint at the thousands of rooftops. ‘But it’s impossible.’

Daniel nods and turns to read a sign that says we’re 412 feet up. It’s busy, and as I make my way round to the other side, I’m jostled by groups of people taking pictures and shouting to each other about the height, the view, the wind.

‘Not much to do once you get up here, is there?’ Daniel says, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

‘No. But it’s still brilliant. Thanks for coming with me,’ I say, and before I can stop myself, I am putting my arms around him, hugging him, taking in the pleasant warmth of his body, the inky scent of his aftershave. He takes his hands from his pockets, puts his arms around me, hugging me back, and his lips press against my head.

‘You’re so welcome. Come on,’ he says as I reluctantly draw away from him. ‘Let’s go and find you another ugly magnet from the shop. I won’t rest until your fridge is completely covered.’

After Daniel has bought me a magnet in the shape of a Blackpool tram, we leave the Tower and step back into the bustle of the town, straight into a man who claps Daniel on the back.

‘Long time no see!’ he shouts, a bead of spittle flying from his lips and landing on my shoulder.

Daniel pats him on the back too, more gently. ‘Erica, this is Bob. I’ve worked with him a few times,’ he says, giving me a quick look that tells me everything I need to know about Bob and what Daniel thinks of him.

‘Have you made him go in the Tower?’ Bob asks me, jerking his head towards the entrance.

I nod, still burning with excitement from hugging Daniel before, and the exhilaration of being so high. ‘We’ve just been up to the top.’

Bob frowns and gives Daniel an exaggeratedly confused look. ‘You got him to go up more than a few stairs?’ he asks me. ‘How on earth did you manage that?’

There is a silence between us, and all we can hear is the swish of the wind, the touts of street sellers, the snippets of conversation as people walk past. Daniel is looking at Bob as though he wants him to disappear, his feelings about him not quite as skilfully subtle now.

‘Had a function at the Tower with him once,’ Bob says, jabbing Daniel in the side. ‘We all went to the top, of course. Except, Mr Heights Phobia here turned green at the thought of it. Wouldn’t entertain it. He was terrified. Almost cried like a girl when we were saying we’d carry him up there!’ He leans forward, winks at me. ‘He stayed in the burger bar on safe ground. Suppose if we’d looked like you, we’d have done a better job of persuading him to join us.’

I turn to look at Daniel, not understanding for a second, but then something clicks completely into place and it is as though someone has turned a light on and everything is a brighter, lighter shade of yellow.

‘You know, we have a booking for dinner,’ Daniel says, looking at his watch, which is an old fashioned one with a brown strap, something Mike wouldn’t be seen dead in. ‘We’ll have to go.’

I nod mutely and wave a brief goodbye to Bob as Daniel takes my arm and guides me away. When we are at a safe distance, on the colourful commotion of the promenade, I stop and turn to him.

‘A dinner booking?’ I say. ‘First I’ve heard about it.’

He reddens slightly. ‘Oh, Bob would have us talking all day if we let him.’

I look at him for a moment before speaking. ‘Are you really scared of heights?’

Daniel grimaces. ‘Well, yeah. Pretty terrified actually.’

I reach out to him, touch his arm. ‘So why did you go up there with me? Why didn’t you just tell me no?’

He looks at me and grins, his face still a shade deeper than usual. ‘You wanted to go up so much. You said the Tower used to be your friend. How could I possibly tell you no?’

I don’t answer him, just stare at his face, which is suddenly the most perfect face I’ve ever seen, and savour a rush of pure happiness. It’s the thrill of opening an unexpected gift, pulling off the paper and knowing, hoping you know, what’s underneath: something you’ve longed for but never thought you’d have.

I lean forward and kiss him lightly on the lips. It’s over in a second but I want it to last forever.

‘Thank you.’

Chapter 6

‘Do you have plans on Friday night?’ Daniel asks me as we pull up outside my flat later that day. We decided that as we’d told Bob we had a dinner booking, we should really eat together too. We went to a tiny bistro and ordered huge steaming shanks of lamb and crisp roast potatoes. We talked about our families, our childhood homes, wading through the past in that detached way you do when you meet someone new. It’s late now we’ve reached my flat, the sunset casting the streets in a pale glow. I pause before answering, trying in vain to stretch out the day.

‘I do. Although I feel like I’m going to want to change them,’ I say.

‘Damn. Someone got to you first. What are you up to?’

‘I’m meeting up with someone called Nina. I don’t know her that well, but she’s about to go and do some travelling. I want to quiz her about it. She wants someone to go with,’ I say, the idea of joining Nina suddenly at odds with the comfort and easy happiness of the day I’ve spent with Daniel. ‘I might go with her.’ Might? I think to myself. I was so definite that travelling was what I wanted, and after a day out with Daniel I’m changing my mind?

I study Daniel’s face for a clue to tell me how he feels, wait for him to look crestfallen or perhaps beg me not to go, but his features don’t change. ‘Oh?’ he says evenly, ‘where’s she thinking of going?’

‘Thailand. You know, I’m building something new,’ I say, referring to Daniel’s pep talk when we met at the party.

‘Who told you to do that? Must have been an idiot if he’s the one making you go.’