No River Too Wide

Jan looked troubled, but she gave a short nod.

Harmony turned back to Taylor. “This is my mother, Janine Stoddard. She just arrived.”

“Jan,” the woman said. “I always preferred it.”

“I never heard anybody call you Jan,” Harmony said.

“Because your father preferred Janine.”

Taylor was trying to remember everything she knew about Harmony’s family life, but none of this was making sense. “Are you visiting?” she asked. “It’s nice to meet you at last.”

“I’m just here for the night,” Jan said.

Taylor realized now that Harmony had been crying and still looked upset. “Look, this is obviously a bad time for me to be here.”

But Harmony was already addressing her mother. “Mom, we can be honest about why you’re here. Taylor knows about Dad.”

Jan looked unhappy at Harmony’s words, and Taylor grew even more uncomfortable.

“I ought to leave,” Taylor said.

“Mom left my father. She finally managed to get away. And I’m trying to get her to stay here with me.”

Now Taylor was at a complete loss. “I shouldn’t be involved.”

“It’s complicated,” Jan said, as if she hoped that would put an end to the discussion.

“My father’s a scary man,” Harmony went on, ignoring Taylor’s protests and her mother’s obvious discomfort. “She’s been afraid to leave him for years, because she knew if he found her he would retaliate, and now that she’s done it, she’s afraid if she stays he’ll trace her here and take it out on me, or even on Lottie.”

Taylor wasn’t sure now whether she was feeling light-headed from the hot yoga or the conversation. Whatever it was, she suddenly felt weak-kneed. “I think I need a glass of water and a place to sit.”

Without a word Harmony motioned to the sofa and left for the kitchenette. Taylor gratefully took a seat while Jan walked back and forth with the baby.

“I know this sounds crazy,” Harmony said when she returned with a glass. “I’m sorry you walked into the middle of it.”

Taylor drank half the water before she finally rested the glass on her jean-clad knee. “He’s that bad?” She addressed the question to Jan.

Jan looked torn. She didn’t answer.

“You left him, but you can’t admit how frightening he is?” Harmony asked her mother. “Can’t you tell her how many times he hit you or how many bones he’s broken?”

“He’s possessive and...” Jan hesitated, then lifted her eyes to Taylor’s. “I’m afraid he’s capable of almost anything where I’m concerned.”

“Has he ever hurt anybody else?”

“He’s a successful businessman,” Harmony said. “He’s also a deacon in our church, and he used to be on the boards of two charities, maybe still is. I don’t think anybody really likes him, but they respect him well enough. Unless he changed after I left home, he was careful to save his fury for his family, mostly Mom. When he was angry at other people, his revenge was always more subtle or aimed at us.” She looked at her mother. “Is that still accurate?”

Jan looked distressed, but she nodded.

“He sounds like a monster,” Taylor said, and waited for Jan to deny it. When she didn’t, Taylor began to get the full picture.

She wished one of the other goddesses, Analiese or Georgia, had walked into this instead of her. They were both older and more experienced. Analiese was a minister, used to dealing with family problems, and Georgia was a school administrator who worked with difficult kids and their difficult home lives every day. Her own degree was in health and wellness promotion, and it had never prepared her for this.

But she was here, and they were not.

“What can I do?” she asked, when nothing more profound occurred to her.

Jan was a slight woman, rail thin and haggard, but now that she was inside, Taylor could see even more clearly the resemblance to Harmony. “There’s nothing to do. I have to leave. I can’t stay here.”

Her conviction was absolute. Taylor could hear it. “But where will you go?”

“I’ve laid plans. I’ve been...working on getting away for a long time, and I have help.”

“Mom says Dad will think she’s gone west.”

“But you’re not going west?” Taylor asked.

“She’s not going anywhere,” Harmony said. “She’s going to stay here, with her daughter and granddaughter. Dad’s not going to find us. I’ve been in Asheville since high school graduation, and he never traced me here.”

Taylor thought Harmony was being a bit naive. Motivation was a powerful factor. If Harmony’s father viewed his wife as property he’d been robbed of, he would undoubtedly do anything to find her.

“Do you have another place you really want to go?” Taylor asked Jan. She watched as Jan looked down at her granddaughter, and before she looked up again the longing on her face was clear and strong.

“It’s not about wanting to go anywhere. I just know I can’t stay here. And Harmony and Lottie can’t come with me. We shouldn’t be in the same place at the same time... Not until I know Rex isn’t looking anymore.”

“How will you know that?”

“People are watching him.”

Taylor liked the sound of that. “Then they’ll be able to keep track of where he is and when?”

“Not every moment.”

“But generally.”

Jan shrugged.

“Can you be nearby?” Taylor asked. “Where you and Harmony can see each other sometimes if you’re careful? At least until you know it’s safe?”

“It would be safer to be far away.”

“Okay, safer, maybe, but would it be safe enough to be, say, on the other side of Asheville, with somebody who knows you both?”

“I...”

“You?” Harmony asked.

“I’m twenty miles away, and you and I don’t see each other very often. We’re both too busy and it’s too far to be easy.” Taylor realized she and Harmony were making plans for Jan without consulting her.

She turned to Harmony’s mother. “Jan, I just moved into my father’s house in a quiet neighborhood. He’s living in a condo, and Maddie, my daughter, and I needed more room, so we bought his place, although he still uses the workshop out back, so he’s around a lot. Maddie’s eleven. We have an extra bedroom where you can stay.”

“I couldn’t—”

Taylor suddenly realized how ideal this could be. “Look, it’s not charity. Please don’t think of it that way. Maddie and I fought all the way over here because she hates the way I drag her to classes and meetings. I’m renovating an old warehouse, and turning it into a health and wellness center, and I can’t leave Maddie alone at night if I have to go over to the site or teach a class. Sometimes my dad or her father’s parents can stay with her, and sometimes she can go to a friend’s house. But on school nights that’s not a great idea. She thinks she’s too old for a babysitter. But if you were staying with us, anyway...” She let her voice trail off.

“Mom, that would work, wouldn’t it?” Harmony was pleading. “Taylor’s a good half hour away from here. If we were really careful we could still see each other sometimes. And I would know where you were and how you were doing. It’s perfect.”

“And if Rex finds me at your house?” Jan asked Taylor.

The silence was heavy for a moment, until Taylor sat forward. “We live in a neighborhood with people all around us. And you said yourself he’s only violent with his own family.”

“That’s not a guarantee.”

“He was never violent in public,” Harmony said. “I think—” She stopped.

“What?” Taylor asked.

Harmony looked at her mother. “If he located you and wanted to hurt you, Mom, he would make sure to get you off by yourself. He wouldn’t do it in front of anybody else or anywhere he might get caught. I don’t think there’s a chance he would want anybody to see or know what he’d done unless there was no other choice. He’s too smart to risk hurting strangers.”

“It’s taking too big a risk.”

Taylor’s mind was whirling. “Isn’t anywhere a risk? Are you going to live by yourself for the rest of your life because he might find you and hurt somebody in your house, or on your block, or in your city? You’ll always be near somebody. This is as good a situation as there is. We’ll be alert, and we’ll be careful, plus he’s got to realize that by now all kinds of people must know the story behind your escape, so he would be the first suspect if anything happened to any of us. I’ll get a security system. And if people are watching him in...” She looked at Harmony for help.

“Topeka.”

“Topeka,” Taylor said, “then with luck we’ll have warning if he leaves town, so we can be extra vigilant.”

Jan was shaking her head. “You have a child? You want to expose her to this?”

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll run this by a friend who knows more about this kind of thing than I do. But I think she’ll agree that Maddie and I aren’t taking much of a risk. If she doesn’t agree, we’ll figure out something else.”

Jan still looked torn, but she didn’t say no.

“How careful have you been?” Taylor asked. “How good is the trail that’s supposed to lead him out West if he looks for you?”

Jan looked away. “It’s not complete yet. I...I left before we had everything in place.”

“But?” Taylor heard that word in Jan’s voice.

“The people who are helping me are very good,” she said at last.

“They’ve done this before?”

Jan nodded.

“With success?”

She nodded again.

“Jan, I think you have to take another chance.” Taylor got to her feet and held out her arms for Lottie, who held out her own and went right into them. “You left this man and you arranged for help to do it. You made it all the way here to be with Harmony and see your granddaughter. You’re resourceful and obviously careful, and you’re being helped by people who are both, as well. We can be both, too. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t sell us short. We can make this safe for everybody and help you get a new start.”

“It’s asking too much.”

Taylor looked at Harmony, whose eyes were welling with tears. Then she looked back at Jan, whose eyes were beginning to brim, too.

She settled Lottie on her hip, and lightly rested her free hand on Jan’s shoulder and squeezed. “I owe your daughter so much, Jan. I’ll tell you the whole story once you’re settled in your room at my house. But let me do this for Harmony. Let me do this for you, okay? Let me do this for me.”

Chapter 7

From the audio journal of a forty-five-year-old woman, taped for the files of Moving On, an underground highway for abused women.

Before I married, were there signs that all wasn’t what it seemed? Were there moments when my confidence in our happy future was shaken?

Had I been educated enough, wary enough, perhaps, I might have wondered why the Abuser was in such a hurry to put a ring on my finger. Or why he often planned surprises on the nights I intended to spend with my friends. Or why he suggested we begin a family immediately after we married instead of waiting until I completed my degree. I might have wondered why the house he bought had no immediate neighbors, or why he worried so frequently and loudly about our city’s dangerous traffic that I began to question my own ability to drive through it.

But the Abuser and his kind are masters of subtlety and excuses. He was in a hurry to marry because he loved me so much. He always seemed genuinely sorry that I’d made other plans when he arrived for a surprise date. Why not have children while we were young, so we could still travel and enjoy ourselves after they left home? Didn’t I love the countryside, where I could have a larger house? Not only was the country lovely, but I was safer there, outside the city, with all its hazards.

In those early months, before we said our vows, he never lifted a hand to me. He rarely even lifted his voice, although he did talk over my comments frequently enough that alarm bells should have sounded. Nor was he aggressive or belligerent when we were in the company of others. Not that we often were. The Abuser wanted me all to himself, and like the romantic girl I was, I thought that showed how much he loved me.

He was often critical of others, but less often of me. When he did criticize, his words were framed as suggestions, patiently issued, lovingly meant. He wanted the best for me. A friend I’d chosen, an activity I loved? Perhaps there were better options.

I can’t place all the blame on the man I chose to marry. I wanted to be loved and taken care of. I wanted to believe that someone could turn my sadness to joy, and I could be happy again. I had never learned one of life’s most important lessons. I am responsible for my own happiness. Letting somebody else take on that responsibility was like diving into murky waters without checking for rocks or sharks.

* * *

Jan stared out the side window of her new bedroom at a narrow pergola adorned with hanging flower baskets.

“Like I said, this was my father’s house,” Taylor said from the doorway. “He’s an architect and of course, he can’t leave anything alone. This used to be a pretty standard little ranch house, but when he finished, it was sort of modern Asian, sleek, stark....”

“It’s anything but stark now. It’s lovely.” Jan turned and saw that Taylor’s arms were filled with fresh linens. She made a pretty picture, chin-length dark hair falling forward, sheets and blankets piled in front of a willowy body. Before Jan could take them, Taylor set them on the white bedspread.

“Oh, it was lovely when he finished it, too, but Maddie and I wanted something a little warmer. It was pretty masculine. So we painted the siding cream, added shutters to match the porch pillars and planted flowers everywhere. A lot of the furniture was Dad’s, but we added pillows and slipcovers, rugs on the floors and lots of things on the walls. We tried not to go overboard, though. We wanted simplicity. Not too girly.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“I’m glad you like it. Will the room be okay? It’s not huge, but having your own bath is a plus. I’m guessing before too long Maddie’s going to be camping out in hers. I did when I was a teenager.”

Harmony had never been allowed to camp out in their bathroom. She and Buddy had shared the one in the upstairs hallway, and he had often lingered until it was almost time to drive to school, just to point out that a man’s needs always took priority.

“Jan?”

Jan realized Taylor had asked a question. “I’m sorry. I was woolgathering. It will be more than okay. It’s perfect.”

“Good, then. Would you like to share a glass of wine before dinner?”

“I’m sorry I ruined your plans to go out with Harmony tonight.”

“I don’t think she’s a bit sorry you showed up, do you? And Maddie’s thrilled because her friend Edna just called, and she and Vanilla are heading over there to spend the night. I never would have heard the end of it if she’d missed that chance.”

Jan had already been introduced to Vanilla, the grown puppy of Velvet, Harmony’s dog, and the smallish golden doodle had won her heart by offering a paw on introduction. “I can’t remember the last time I had a glass of wine.”

Taylor nodded. “Okay, you don’t drink. I’ll remember that.”

“No. I didn’t drink because my husband...” She managed a smile. “I would love a glass of wine.”

“Great. Once you’re settled, come in the kitchen and talk to me while I cook. Harmony warned you I’m a vegetarian, right?”

“Harmony says she’s a vegetarian, too.”

Taylor turned to go. “I hope you didn’t mind not spending the night with her tonight, but it just seemed to make sense to bring you here right away and let you settle in. It gives you a chance to see how you like it, just in case.”

Jan knew that “just in case” meant that if she didn’t like it, she could still leave town in the morning, as planned. That was the compromise they had all come up with. Taylor would have time to consider the safety issues, and Jan would have time to get used to the idea of staying in Asheville.

Of course, it was also clear that if she did decide to leave, she would break her daughter’s heart.

She had brought so little with her that it only took a minute to empty her clothes into a drawer and store her few toiletries on the bathroom counter. Once she’d had time to squeeze Buddy’s scrapbook into the old Scout backpack, it had taken up most of the room. The few other things she had brought were a testament to her desire to leave the past behind. She’d brought no jewelry except her watch, and that only because she’d worried she might need to know the time during her escape. Rex had given her the pretty jewel-encrusted Bulova on her last birthday, and the moment she was sure she no longer needed it, she would donate it to the Salvation Army.

Rex had given her lots of jewelry over the years, and now most likely every bit of it had melted in the fire. Most of the necklaces and bracelets had come with sincere apologies instead of wrapping paper. He hadn’t meant to hit her last night, but she should have known he wouldn’t like A, B or C. He hadn’t meant to take out his bad day on her, but didn’t she know by now that she needed to stay clear of him when things weren’t going well at the office?

She had dutifully worn every bit, faithfully keeping track of each item. Had she not worn a particular piece, he would have been angry all over again, and the cycle would have been eternally perpetuated.

All gone now.

She felt herself smiling a little. “Good riddance,” she said softly.

She combed her hair and wrinkled her nose at her reflection in the mirror. In the past year she hadn’t bothered to visit a salon, a process she hated, anyway. Inevitably Rex would go along, and then he would sit nearby and instruct the stylist on what he wanted her to do. No layers, no bangs, not too short. Plain and simple, like the woman he had married.

“Simpleminded, more likely.” She realized she was talking to herself.

“Which is what happens when you’re the only decent person in the house to talk to,” she said, then clamped her lips shut to cut off the conversational flow and went back into the bedroom.

The room was small, but it was comfortable and comforting. There was room for a double bed, a nightstand and a dresser, plus a television stand in the corner with a small flat-screen and DVD player. The walls were a pale sea-green, dotted with impressionistic seascapes and a trio of embroidered samplers from a time when they were a requirement for learning needlework skills. She leaned forward and read the motto on the closest. “‘To thine own self be true,’” she read out loud.

Had she paid attention to that saying earlier, she would be either happily divorced or dead. She wasn’t taking bets on which way things would have gone.

She headed toward the kitchen.

She liked the open-floor plan, which made the smallish house seem larger. Only a granite counter separated the kitchen and living area, although an Oriental carpet in muted tones, and plush sofas and chairs, broke up the long expanse of cherry flooring. Taylor was setting two wine bottles on the counter when Jan approached. Jan saw she had changed into leggings and a long green T-shirt that said “Namaste” on the front under what might be a lotus blossom, but thankfully, since she had nothing clean to change into herself, the theme was casual.

“White or red?” Taylor asked. “I’ll warn you, I’m no connoisseur. I buy good wine on sale, but then you have to ask yourself why the store is trying to get rid of it.”

“I’m less of one than you are.” Rex had been against drinking, holidays, dancing. She had often wondered if he was afraid alcohol or just plain fun might dull the pain of her life with him.

“I’m having red,” Taylor said.

Jan realized that again she hadn’t answered a question. “Perfect.”

Taylor poured two glasses and motioned for Jan to take her pick. “I’m a vegetarian, not a vegan, so I’ve got cheese and crackers. Are you hungry?”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be hungry again,” Jan said, before she realized how that sounded. “I mean...” She couldn’t find a way to explain.

“You mean you’ve been through hell and that puts a dent in your appetite,” Taylor said. “At the worst times in my life I’ve stopped eating, too. I’m not sure which is worse for us, stuffing ourselves over every trauma or forgetting that skipping meals makes us susceptible to worse depression and every little germ in the hemisphere.”

“Put like that, cheese and crackers sounds like a plan.”

Taylor smiled, and the room seemed to glow. She was an attractive young woman, but her brown eyes were luminous, and when she smiled, she approached beauty. “As Maddie moves toward puberty I get better and better at instilling guilt in those around me,” she said.

Jan heard herself laugh and hardly recognized the sound. “It’s called developing parenting skills.”

“Did you have to do that with Harmony?”

“It was more my job to make her outlook on life as guilt free as possible. I wanted her to look beyond what was going on at home and believe in herself.”

“I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time.” Taylor returned from the refrigerator with a block of cheese and set it on a cutting board. “Will you slice this for us?”

Jan sawed away, and as she did she realized she was growing hungry, which might have been Taylor’s plan. “I promise I’m not going to bore you with stories from our past. I owe you more than that for offering your house to me for a while.”

“That’s fair enough, but—”

Jan’s cell phone rang. She looked up. “I’m sorry, I need to get this.”

“Go ahead. I’ll start dinner.”

Jan answered and took the phone into the living area, where she hoped she wouldn’t disturb Taylor.

“Bea?” she asked.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, but, well, there’s been a change of plans.” Briefly Jan outlined what she, Harmony and Taylor had come up with. Then she waited, expecting Bea to protest.

“That’s as good as any idea the rest of us had,” Bea said instead. “I like it.”

“Really?”

“Nothing sacred about New Hampshire, woman. That was just one place to store you for a while. I might be worried if you were staying right there with your girl, but it sounds like you’ll be far enough away to make a difference. Nothing beats being with friends who’ll watch out for you, either.”

“I’m worried if Rex finds me, he might hurt my hostess or her daughter.”

“You need to remember something. We’ve done this more than fifty times. We never had nobody traced. So he’s not going to find you, and if he does, Rex won’t hurt nobody but you. He’s not on drugs. He don’t even drink, so he keeps his head more than some and calculates. He thinks he’s a big man in the community, so he’s not going to risk that. Your friends will be safe, and I think you will be, too. You just be careful, and if you get too worried, we’ll move you again. Get yourself a better phone for everyday use, only use cash, no credit, and don’t give them any info. Keep this phone just to call me, add minutes here and there and I’ll know who’s calling when I see the number.”

“Do you know if anybody’s seen him yet?”

“Nobody’s sighted the man, so they’re still sifting the ashes, and far as I know the authorities aren’t looking anyplace else for him. Not yet.”

“Where could he be?”

“The minute we know, we’ll be watching him. You just go on and start your new life. Be careful, but not so careful you’re not happy.”

“You’ve been so wonderful. How can I repay you?”

“Just help somebody else when you can.”

Jan said goodbye and put the phone back in her pocket before she turned.

Taylor, at the counter, didn’t pretend she hadn’t heard the conversation. “Just so you know, while you were unpacking I called the friend I mentioned and asked her opinion on whether it’s too much of a risk to have you here. She’s a nurse with some experience with domestic violence. She said the first two years after you leave a situation like yours are the most dangerous, and you’ll have to be careful, but putting distance between you was important and positive, the best thing you could have done.”