Babaji - Gateway to the Light

Years ago during my second visit to Babaji, I also went through a painful experience when confronted with underlying jealousy. Never before had I experienced its force so strongly; this was new and strange. I thought I was going to explode. It erupted like a volcano, burnt itself out and hasn't returned since.

My husband, young son and I had travelled to Chilianaula to attend Navaratri. A new temple was to be inaugurated at the ashram, located where one could marvel at the vista of the Himalayas. Many people had arrived to celebrate with our beloved gum Babaji the nine-day festival in honour of the Divine Mother. There was great beauty around us: the ceremony itself held under a large, colourful marquee which shielded the congregation from the hot noonday sun; and the snow-covered Himalayan peaks glistening in a luminous, clear, blue sky. Babaji blessed us all as we came to him in turn. He cuddled our five-year-old son and paid lots of attention to my husband, to whom he had assigned the job of standing close beside him and acting as guard and crowd controller.

After every darshan my husband would show me what Babaji had given him. A small silver box; a long silk cloth, a round smoothly polished onyx stone, a beige silk shirt and so on. At first I was pleased for him and his relaxed way of receiving these gifts. Then I got really upset. Apart from the usual prasad such as sweets, fruit or nuts, which Babaji gave us all, I hadn't been given a thing. It was obvious that Babaji preferred my husband to me. I was terrified realising I was enraged with jealousy.

It didn't make sense. I was devoted to my husband. How could I become jealous of a person with whom I was so intimately connected? I should be sharing in his glory. I didn't understand myself any more. Such intense jealousy was alien to me. Then, when my husband turned up in a long silk garment with a turban on his head looking just like an Indian raja, it was all too much for me. And when he told me how he came to have the turban, I could hardly contain my tears.

Apparently, Babaji had hurried out of the tent calling my husband to follow him and had headed down the garden path straight into his room. Among all the gifts from devotees neatly stacked in the little room was a pile of folded garments and lengths of rich fabrics. Babaji glided his hand over the folds until it came to a long piece of material with a small, delicate pattern.

"Turban from Rajasthan!", he said.

He told my husband to go to Shastriji and have him wind the turban round his head in the proper way. Babaji then returned to the area where the festival was taking place.

The Indian out suited my husband; being tall and slim, he carried it off well and looked quite distinguished. His blonde beard and fine features plus turban lent him an air of majesty. I struggled with my feelings. They had no right to confuse and upset my balance, but they did so and with surprising intensity. I felt ashamed of myself How could I face Babaji with such emotions? I refused to go to darshan and walked away instead, toward a clearing in the midst of a wood of fir trees. There I sat feeling flat and drained. I knew that only Babaji could help me with such a conflict and I implored him inwardly for his support. I asked him to take away from me forever this emotion which had overwhelmed me and which I did not want. An abyss opened up before me. Forgotten was the Babaji of my first visit to Haidakhan when he had put a most precious gift on my wrist, a bracelet. Not precious for its material value but for its spiritual wealth, for a bracelet symbolises connectedness, being tied together. I sat there with a bitter heart for a long while and returned to that place several times until I felt a change in my state.

The time came when I could face Babaji again. When he laid his hands on my head and looked into my eyes he nodded, and I knew the struggle was over. From that second on I was able to share my husband's joy. And this not only applied to him, but also to others. Whenever I became aware that somebody was receiving a present, be it large or small I sensed their delight by way of energy flowing along my spine. Moreover, the issue became increasingly unimportant as the process of inner growth and transformation and the strengthening of my inner connection to Babaji grew more important.

After three years of apprenticeship, however, I was once again overwhelmed by the same craving "I want to have!". I thought I had been healed of such intense urges after the last experience, but it occurred again while on a journey through South India.

We were staying at Baroda in the state of Gujarat. It was a refreshingly cool afternoon and Babaji was sitting on a swing in the garden at a disciple's family home. Gently he moved to and fro while people sat on the lawn beside him. One after the other, a line of people moved forward to bow and offer gifts. I was one of those sitting watching the colourful spectacle. Babaji had nonchalantly thrown an exquisite yellow saree over his shoulders. It had been offered to him during aarati, and I kept staring at this gorgeous thing hoping that he might pass it on to me. Thoughts started to race through my mind. Yellow, the colour of wisdom. Who'll be the lucky one to get it? Will it be me? For the life of me, I had no way of stopping this torrent of thoughts.

Suddenly I heard my name being called. It was Babaji calling me. I stood up and moved towards him; the heat of shame and embarrassment surged through my body. ft didn't take much guessing as to why he had nominated me. When I reached him, he grabbed the saree from his shoulders and flung it violently into my limp arms. I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up forever when I realised what his gesture meant.

"Don't I give you enough? Aren't you getting everything you need from me? Why do you attach yourself to material things? When will you ever learn?!"

I don't know how I managed to return to my seat. I only know I hesitated for weeks before deciding to wear the wretched saree.

Of course Babaji continued to test me over and over again. He used to show me pieces of jewellery and ask me if they were genuine. Each time I would look within to examine my feelings and check if greed were present. Eventually I lost all interest in these things. It was then that Babaji gave me the jewellery I had valuated; as a prize, so to say, for passing the tests.

***

A yagua followed aarati. Out on the spacious terraced roof, which could easily fit two hundred people, a square fire pit coated with red clay had recently been constructed. Like a gazelle, Babaji leapt up the stairs to the terrace leaving behind a lot of surprised faces. In an instant he was at his place at the havan. As he shot past me he whispered "Come!" and gave similar short instructions to some others. The hostess took her seat to his left, while some other women, looking a picture in vibrantly coloured sarees with silver and gold borders, squatted behind him. Their way of participating in the ceremony was to place the tips of their fingers on Babaji's back and shoulders. Normally only the men are allowed to sit around the fire pit and toss in the offerings. Sri Muniraj was on the right of Babaji as usual, and Shastriji stood near him reciting mantras from the holy scriptures. >When Babaji ladled the ghee (melted clarified butter) onto the fire, dazzling flames soared up to the heavens. Apart from this swish, a cavernous silence reigned over the gathering; the crackling of burning wood and the murmur of mantras lingered only like far-off echoes. Everyone was deeply concentrated as prayers were said for the benefit of the universe and every being. I wanted to participate in the yagna on an inner level. I asked for purification by the flames of the holy fire and for greater opening of the heart to receive the Divine. Ultimately I wanted to experience unity and to melt totally into it. Babaji represented this all-embracing unity to me. An endless yearning took hold of me.

Thoroughly absorbed in these thoughts I barely noticed Babaji stand up at the conclusion of the ceremony and go and look out over the city. Somebody nudged me which brought me down to earth again. I vaguely thought of clearing a pathway for Babaji as he was likely to pass by here on his way out. There was already a little gap in the crowd so I began to push a bit to widen it when I felt a nudge again, only this time a little harder. What was going on? I looked around and met Babaji's roguish eyes. He was signalling me to come over and when I did, he placed into my arms a saree he had been given earlier and had wrapped around his shoulders during the fire ceremony. I was stunned.

"For me?"

My fingers gently touched his feet. I was sobbing. Babaji pressed his foot on my hand and wouldn't release it. The yearning I had just felt poured out to him like a flood. When at last I got to my feet, Babaji pointed to the tail-end of the saree left trailing on the floor.

"Yours!", he said. I picked this end up.

"Yours!", he repeated and smilingly pointed to the other end, now also touching the floor. I laughed as I cried and picked that up. We stood together in silence. It was as if no-one else existed.

What a precious gift this was! The saree served as a graphic means to convey his promise: "I will give you plenty. So much inner treasure that even with both hands you won't be able to grasp it all at once. Just focus your sights on the eternal, on the Divine only!"

Once again the yagua appeared before my inner eye. Every day for twelve days we performed the havan on the terrace. Was it a coincidence that this ten-storey building also housed a government laboratory for nuclear experimentation? But then surely there are no mere coincidences in spiritual matters. Babaji had often spoken about probable, massive destruction on earth set off by nuclear energy. During his stay he made a visit to the laboratory, and the devotees present with him reported that he picked up a piece of uranium with his bare hands, which is a real no-no, and paced back and forward across the room several times. What was he up to? Did he want to reduce the probability of a major catastrophe?

Once the morning ceremonies were over, Babaji would sometimes visit the homes of various devotees or lead an excursion to places of spiritual significance. Anyone who managed to squeeze into one of the cavalcade of cars could go along as well. With at least eight or nine bodies packed tightly inside a vehicle, the car chase was on again. Apparently the plan for today was to drive to Dakineshwar and Daknath. Dakineshwar is a temple complex situated on the banks of the river Ganges. Ramakrishna had lived there more than a century ago. The saint, renowned worldwide for his religious tolerance, had died in 1886. Like Babaji, he emphasised the need for unity of all religions and all people, irrespective of their colour, creed and nationality.

We drove through wide avenues with elegant shops; overpopulated, busy steets, passing by water sellers, cows chewing on cud, cyclists, craftsmen, rickshaw drivers and noisy overcrowded buses. Then along the Ganges with its foamy waters and deserted beaches. The temple of Dakineshwar was a sanctuary of soothing silence. Babaji, graceful and nimble, leaped up and down the many steps leading to innumerable temples, staying longer in one than another. In Ramakrishna's room he withdrew to a corner and remained silent and still.

Everybody had trouble keeping up with him. Like Babaji, we all had to go barefoot. It was useless having shoes and leaving them outside each temple because as we entered one temple, Babaji had already left through another exit. No time to return and fetch anything. Babaji was gone before we had time to catch our breath.

The journey continued through the countryside, passing small villages and lakes. At times we could just glimpse the black heads of water-buffalo surface and disappear again. We were heading towards a monastery at Daknath. The priests had invited Babaji to visit them and, after receiving him warmly, led him and his entourage in a procession through the narrow streets of the town. They were going to a Shiva temple, where men only could enter, once they had bared the upper part of their bodies as an act of penance. The priests tried in vain to persuade Babaji to take off his shirt like a good pilgrim before proceeding down the narrow lane and entering the temple. The high priest was meeting Babaji for the first time and was unsure of his holiness. He insisted Babaji conform to temple rules. A long dispute followed during which something must have happened to change the high priest's heart and mind because he ended up with no alternative but to acknowledge Babaji as Mahavatar. Some days later he came to Calcutta and surrendered completely to Babaji.

We had all accompanied Babaji during the procession. It was not only his blue silk shirt that stood out in the procession; it was also the grace of his movements, flowing in perfect harmony with the environment. Once they had reached the temple the priests disappeared inside. Babaji lingered for a while before entering and I tried to catch up to him. I didn't know then that it was forbidden for foreigners to enter and was surprised when a priest tried to block my way. He could see I was a foreigner even though my face was covered by my saree.

I can't stand it when man-made rules and dogmas get in the way of the essential religious teachings. Why should a person following one religion or no religion at all, be barred from paying respects in the temple of another religion when the essential matter is sincerity of heart.

I said to the priest, "I am a Hindu, let me in!"

No reaction.

"Let me in, I am a Hindu!", I repeated.

Now Babaji intervened. He had been attentive when I said "I am a Hindu", and this made me examine my conscience. I was a Hindu, a Christian, a Jew and a Buddhist: it was true; I was all of these. Babaji then shouted "She's a Hindu", and waved that I be let through.

I tried again to pass by the priest but he wouldn't budge. Old rules and past conditioning held him captive, despite Babaji's presence. He stood there blocking the passage with his huge belly. I acted on impulse and pinched his huge protrusion hard.

"Ouch!", he cried in surprise. I bet he'd never experienced an attack like that before. Oh my God, his authority had been undermined!

In the meantime Babaji had disappeared inside the temple. This incident sparked several heated discussions about religion among Indian devotees and Hindu priests.

Babaji was constantly stressing the need for unity in all religions; that all faiths should flow into one large ocean and bring equality to all people everywhere. He did not recognise the restrictions imposed on account of creed, caste or race. In his ashram, untouchables sat side by side with Brahmins and worked together, mostly doing manual labour like building the fortifications against the monsoon floods. According to their tradition, Brahmins only eat food that is separately prepared for them, but with Babaji, they have to eat the same food as everyone else. Also everyone joined together for prayer. There were no separations here either.

Babaji was free and no man-made law could bind him. He had sovereign power over all the laws of nature and over the natural and elemental forces.

People have had many occasions to witness this power of his. For example, there was the time when a religious festival lasting several days was to be held outdoors, and just when it was due to begin, the rain cleared up and only started again when it was over. This was quite unusual as the heavy downpours during the monsoon season occurred daily without fail. When the river at Haidakhan swelled with the heavy rains but was yet to become a raging torrent, Babaji could easily cross the river barefoot and nobody who walked with him was ever in danger. And again, when unexpected visitors arrived at the ashram, the amount of food already prepared would increase miraculously to cater for them abundantly. Always it was the people who wanted to impose some rule or system or other onto the one beyond them all. Sometimes Babaji appeared to go along with them when their conditioning and belief system was too strong to let go of and their present consciousness couldn't yet allow a broader understanding to take place.

There was certainly no evidence of the equality of the sexes in India. Even in Haidakhan, a woman menstruating was forbidden to enter the temple precinct, had to eat alone away from the others, and at no time was supposed to go near Babaji. The woman was deemed unclean and might contaminate, so the temple and Babaji, the very one who was above all, needed to be protected from her. What a massive contradiction! Babaji of course broke these rules at his discretion and let a woman approach him.

***

In Calcutta, one day never resembled the next and one morning, shortly after sunrise, we visited a Kali temple with Babaji. This temple is situated in the old town centre and must be one of the most ancient and holy places in Calcutta.

A popular western Kali interpretation associates the black, long-tongued, all-devouring goddess with ghastly horror stories. But there is more to it than that.

The word 'kal' is masculine, and adding the 'i' makes it feminine. It has a two-fold meaning. The first is time or eternity, and the second is the colour black (representing the unmanifest): out of darkness comes forth light, the world of manifestation, and this creation then returns through death and dissolution back to darkness. All that exists is afraid of its ending and therefore Kali, the Black, is pictured as being frightening. Beyond death and annihilation, eternity rules and only that which is eternal can give lasting happiness and joy. The widespread worship of Kali is understood in India as being the worship of one aspect of Divine Oneness. This is also true in regard to other deities in the Indian pantheon.

The Kali temple was so overcrowded it was impossible to enter. There was a tiny door opposite the statue and we were able to peek in. Our eyes turned to Babaji who stood like a rock in the middle of the writhing melee of bodies pushing and shoving towards Kali. He signalled us to climb through the small opening and reach him that way. For some time we gazed in silence at the statue. She appeared to have been there forever, unaffected by the dizzy world around her. A strong vibration radiated between Babaji and the statue which made me feel faint. Babaji then held out his arm to help us climb out again. When we got back to the house, there were hundreds of people waiting for Babaji, all waiting to receive his darshan.

I sat down and looked on as each person approached Babaji and received his blessings. At one point, I noticed a German man, who apparently had just arrived, handing Babaji some kind of folder. Babaji took a cursory look, closed it, and called out my name.

"This is a manuscript, read it and tell me what it contains."

Back in my seat I opened the file and read some short passages. Tears started to stream down my face. Here was a soul opening to God. The pain of loneliness, the long search and finally bliss at reaching his goal; it was overwhelming. All fell silent within me. I was struck by awe and gratitude for a deeper realization of what it means to come into the presence of Babaji. It opened my heart. I looked to Babaji who had apparently been observing me. He smiled at me and nodded. What the manuscript contained was not so important. Important was the author's inner unfolding. When I later had the opportunity to read it through thoroughly, it had the same effect. The author wanted to know what I thought:

"It is the most beautiful thing you could have offered Babaji!"

Babaji did not listen at all when I tried later to tell him more about the contents of the manuscript. That didn't really surprise me because he already knew what was there; he had held it in his hands. The manuscript had fulfilled its purpose.

Back in my room I wondered about other experiences where Babaji's guidance had opened my heart-chakra. I don't know how he had worked on me. I sensed only the effects. Were they the consequences of his teachings put into practise, I wondered...

At Haidakhan one time during karma yoga, my job was to carry stones. The riverbed is covered with thousands of rocks and stones, of which Babaji said "they are souls". At that time I had no idea that such dense matter as rock could have consciousness. I was picking up stones and carrying them over to another spot where they were needed as building material. Nearby the low stream gurgled onward. It was a hot sunny day. They were everywhere, these sun-warned round stones, as far as the eye could see. I became aware they had some special vibration, some kind of intense, powerful love. It came from the stone in my hand and from all those lying around me. It was a strong lovingness that I hadn't found among human beings. I stopped for a moment to concentrate on this new feeling inside, this marvellous discovery. The entire creation, myself included trembled with love, love that is inherent in everything that exists, love that is buried under most of the time in humans.

How powerful must Babaji's love for humanity be, and now I was experiencing an aspect of this all-embracing love. Soon I became aware of someone standing next to me; it was a woman who had just arrived from Germany. I began to wonder what Babaji feels on seeing his disciple again after a long absence? As I looked at her a powerful wave of love came flooding from my heart and then it was as though my body and everything surrounding were in the midst of luminous fire. What a perfect answer to my question! I had never understood an answer so clearly before.

It was amazing how this feeling arose in me. I could not influence its arising or even steer its course, let alone reach a sense of freedom that comes from love and joy. This was an automatic process. Babaji's voice could evoke many different reactions: joy, compassion, sadness, a rebalancing of the yin yang energies.

Shortly after lunch that same day I sat alone with Babaji near the gate to the temples built just beyond the cave, where he was first discovered in 1970.

He asked, "Are you happy?"

"Yes, ... that much!", I answered, and showed him half an inch with my thumb and finger. Inwardly I thought "I will only be really happy when I'm able to hear your voice within, when I have become one with you."

"What, you're not happy?", he asked.

"Oh yes!", I repeated and showed again with the words "that much" the measure of half an inch. The answer wasn't easy for me.

"Go!", he shouted, with a wild, dismissive fling of the arm and sent me back to the ashram. A flood of sadness threatened to envelop me but this changed in an instant to a feeling of unrestricted joy as I jumped in the air shouting: "I am free, I am free!" I was happy, overjoyed, jubilant.

Like pearls on a string, one heart-opening experience followed another. They became greater and stronger until they unexpectedly culminated in a sat-chit-ananda (being-consciousness-bliss) state. Unconditional love filled a great emptiness in me, giving my life a new direction. It taught me to love God and his creation, not merely the eye-catching and wonderful parts, but also the hardly noticeable bits, judged insignificant or ordinary, that pure love also permeates.

***

After the episode with the manuscript, I had gone to my room. Nobody was in there. I lay down and rested, and was enjoying the privacy and short break from everything when an elderly man put his head round the door. I had noticed him in the crowds before. His old-age and humble bearing had somehow impressed me. I asked him in. He sat on the floor opposite me. We exchanged a few words in English and then fell silent. I began to ask myself why I had invited this stranger into the room. I guessed he might be lonely, feeling lost in this large house teeming with people. At that thought, my heart opened and a great love flowed out to him and to all humankind. Was it love, was it empathy, or understanding that we all share the same ultimate destiny that unites us all, ... even though each of us is unique and therefore ever alone, no matter what life situation we are in? The man then softly said goodbye and left and these feelings faded away.