Punching the Air

The Last Judgment

In the case of the People, the juror says

And I wish I had eyes in the back of my head

so I could see the people behind me

so they can see me

Not the version of me they see in those drawings—

eyes like dead spaces on my face, mouth turned down

nose wide like my father’s

cheekbones high like my grandma’s

Not the version of me they see on TV—

head down, arms pulled back

wrists cuffed

mean-mugged

name in mud

But the real me, like, past my face, past my story

and into my eyes so they’d know

what really happened that night

I’d let each one of them step into my soul

and walk those city streets

walk through that building’s door

walk through that school’s halls

sit in those classes

sit on those front stoops

sit on those trains

stand in those lines

stand on those corners

stand in front of this judge

And maybe my whole soul

my whole life

will be like a mirror

And instead of me

here in this courtroom

it would be

the People versus the People

… versus Amal Dawud Shahid, she says

Keep my name out your mouth, lady, I say

But she don’t hear me, though

No one hears me

My lips are sealed

but my words have a life of their own

Even if they’re locked up

they’ll bounce off three walls and slip between

metal bars

They’ll say what’s up to the inmates

mean-mug the COs

walk out of the security-tight doors

fly out of this place

aim for the sky, kiss the clouds

and shout to that stale wind

that my name is Amal

and

Amal means hope

The jury finds, she says

As if this is a game of hide-and-seek

and I’m curled up under some table

my body balled up like a fist

like in my mom’s belly

Or in some closet, behind her dresses

smelling like perfume

like home

like cooked food

like plans for the future

like maybe-somedays

like see-you-tomorrows

… the defendant, she says

As if it’s my name

As if I came into the world

with fists blocking

boxing gloves like

Holyfield, Louis, Frazier

Tyson, Rocky, and Ali

Counting Game

One count of

attempted murder with a deadly weapon

The prosecutor had to prove

that I grabbed my skateboard

and swung it at his head

and tried to kill him

But Clyde got that first charge reduced to

aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon

The prosecutor had to prove

that I grabbed my skateboard

and swung it at his head

when his DNA wasn’t even on it

so Clyde got it reduced to

one count of

aggravated assault and battery

Knockout Game

Shay would punch me on the arm whenever

he spotted a Volkswagen Beetle

That was the rule of the punch buggy game

And I’d punch Shay back really hard because

Umi always said, Somebody hit you, you hit ’em back

That was the rule of that game

So I turned down the plea deal

and pleaded not guilty

Because Clyde said it was self-defense

Jeremy Mathis’s mother must’ve

told him the same thing

Somebody hit you, you hit ’em back

Because I threw the first punch

Ball Game

I really learned about

self-defense

while playing basketball

full court, five-on-five

When the ball

is on their side

and you trying to block

that three-point shot

And they know their turf

better than you do

but you know your

whole team

But still

it’s their court

it’s their hood

And all you trying to do is

steal the ball, intercept, block

and go home

go home

Go home

is what those people

in East Hills were saying to us

So it wasn’t about

who threw the first punch

It was about courts, turf, space

Me and them other boys

were just trying to go home

Counting Game II

On

the

count

of

aggravated

assault and battery—

the jury finds the defendant

guilty

the juror says

There’s a stone in my throat

There’s a brick on my chest

The stone turns into a mountain

The brick turns into a building

And it feels like a giant, heavy thing

like the whole world

is pressing down on me

The Scream

Rage is a deadly feeling, Umi once saidIt doesn’t move

anythingIt just makes you wanna punch a wall or a face It

just sits there, this heavy, dark thing in front of your eyes

making you feel nothing but hunger beating in your empty

bellySo you’re forced to face it and open your mouth

wide to swallow it whole, thinking that it will go down

smooth like warm milkBut rage is a thing with

bones and blood and screams that turn into

flames, so you have to chew on itTake

in all the sharp bitterness that makes your

tongue and mouth and words go numb

You don’t even know when it reaches

your throat because it’s already there

in your bellyHeavy thing not

moving like a heart stopped

The Scream II

I turn around to see Umi

and the stones fall out of my mouth

But he was still—

I didn’t—

Umi—

More stones clog my throat

and I am choking on my words

I am choking on my tears

I am choking

I am

I am choking

I am choking on my tears

and I am choking on my words

More stones clog my throat

Umi—

I didn’t—

But he was still—

and the stones fall out of my mouth

I turn around to see Umi

Refrain

What was I supposed to say?

That I didn’t do it, over and over again

like it’s a number-one hit single?

The platinum record of the summer

with a dope beat by some DJ?

That little kids make up dances in viral videos to—

I didn’t do it

That white girls strum guitars on YouTube to—

I didn’t do it

That church choirs sing the gospel remix to—

I didn’t do it

That Ellen does her two-step dance routine to—

I didn’t do it

And I’m over here

shouting to the judge, jury, cops, reporters

his moms, my moms, that

I threw the first punch but not the last—

I didn’t do it

Blind Justice

His mom thinks it’s justice for her son

But I know that me and him

both walked down the path

that was already planned for us

And we stepped onto

the tipping scales of Lady Justice

with her eyes blindfolded, peeking through slits

because that rag is so fucking old

worn-out, stretched thin, barely even there

Amal Shahid to the leftJeremy Mathis to the right

perfectly imbalanced

because where I come from

jail or death

were the two options she handed to us

because where he comes from

the American Dream

was the one option she handed to them

So here we are, blind Lady Justice

I see you, too

Thoughts & Prayers

There is nothing left to do now

but to think about God

my country’s Money

my mother’s Allah

my grandmother’s Jesus

my father’s American Dream

my uncle’s Foreign Cars

my teacher’s College Education

my lawyer’s Time

When Umi asked for thoughts and prayers

each one of them bowed their heads

to their version of the higher power

and maybe never, ever even once

thinking of Hope

thinking of me

Slave Ship

What happened?

I try to ask Clyde

But the other voices

in the courtroom

drown out my words

And it’s like water

is slowly rising

from the floor

reaching my feet

climbing up my legs

as if this courtroom

is a sinking ship

but everybody else

with their freedom

can swim up to the

surface for some air

to safe shores

and I’m the only one

with an anchor

tied to my ankles

Heavy metal

pulling me down

until I drown

So I turn around

to see the freedom

I’m leaving behind

to see the home

I’m leaving behind

I want so bad

to paint this picture

to crop out all the noise

and zoom in on the people

who love me

Family Portrait

Umi’s eyes, framed by her blue hijab, are like home

I know the Quran is on her lap

with my baby pictures between its pages

Uncle Rashon’s furrowed brows are like trips to that

book vendor on the corner

I know he has conspiracy theories

about this whole thing

Shay’s crooked smile is like when he’s losing to me

in a long chess game

There’s fear on his face, like

this might happen to him, too

Dionne’s smirk is like a college brochure

slipped under my door

There’s hope in her eyes, like she really believes

everything will be okay

Grandma’s presence is a whole wide, warm hug

She’s tired, so tired

I want her to go home and lay down

The Watch

The first time I was ever handcuffed

was when I was arrested and charged

with this crime, I thought about

watches and other things I wear on my wrist

In kindergarten Umi got me a waterproof watch

with a Velcro strap, I was always checking it like

I had places to go and people to see and

in second grade I wore those Silly Bandz

on my wrist as if they were status symbols

In fifth grade, the prettiest girl

Tanesha, made me a friendship bracelet

strands of string linked together like chains

That shit never came off, but when we broke up

I tried to snag it loose with my teeth right there

in the schoolyard so everyone could see

that we were done and I’m not about to cry

over no girl, but there go Shawn with his

big mouth talking about, She dumped you, ha ha!

So I told him to shut the fuck up right there

in the schoolyard so everyone could see

that I’m not about to cry over no girl

But he kept saying, She dumped you, she dumped you!

’Cause Tanesha was the prettiest girl in the fifth grade

and when she was my girl I was the coolest kid in the

fifth grade and you know when you have a girl

all the other girls wanna be your girl, so Shawn

with his big mouth was messing up my game

was trying to make me cry, make me mad, make me fight

and he came to my face one more time with

She dumped your ugly ass! and the only thing left to do

was to deck him in the face, punch after punch

And we were right there in the schoolyard fighting

like we wanted to kill each other but all I was trying to do

was not lose ’cause everybody was right there in the

schoolyard watching, cheering, until until

the principal came, the gym teacher came

my teachers came to stop us from trying

to kill each other ’cause that’s what it looked like

after I was done with Shawn’s face

We have a zero-tolerance policy, Mr. Figueroa

said when my mother came up to the school

after I had to sit in the office for a long-ass time

and I knew I was in big trouble ’cause they sent

Shawn to the nurse’s office and called his mother

and everything, and I thought I won, I had a rep

for being this hard little kid that nobody could mess with

and I didn’t even know how I was supposed to feel—

happy or sad, proud or guilty, like I won or lost—

because Umi’s eyes were red when she came to the office

She stared down at me like she was sending lasers

from her eyes, but right behind her was my boy Lucas

smiling big and giving me a thumbs-up, but Umi’s

face was sad, angry, confused, so I didn’t know

what to do with my own eyes when both Ms. Samuel and

Mr. Figueroa called us into the office to say again

that We have a zero-tolerance policy!Zero tolerance

What does that even mean? Umi asked

It means that Amal will have to be suspended for

three days and it will have to go on his record

We laid out the rules at the beginning of the school year

No fighting, no bullying, no cursing, no acting out

Zero tolerance

Scholars are learning that our actions always have

consequences and we have to think about

our choices, Ms. Samuel said, sounding like she’s a

fucking robot, and Umi was looking at her like she is

and said, Is the other boy getting suspended?

And Mr. Figueroa said, The other boy was sent to

the nurse’s officeHe was badly hurt

And thenAnd then Umi looked over at me

as if I did the worst thing in the worldand

her faceher face looked like it was slowly

slowly turning intohoney falling off a spoon

Sadness moved down from her forehead to her lips

Drooping and dripping

I’m so disappointed in you, Amal, Umi said

And mymy heartwas like her face

Drooping and dripping

Then she asked, Does it have to go on his record?

Boys fight all the time, right, I mean he’s always

fighting with his cousins, kids get hurtkids

They make stupid mistakes

What’s three days’ suspension supposed

to teach him?He’ll be home

all aloneI can’t take off work to watch him

Umi’s eyes were begging for something Mr. Figueroa

wasn’t about to give

Ms. Samuel wants us to spread our wings and fly

wants us to reach our full potential

College, it was all about college, so of course

she repeated, We have a zero-tolerance policy

and Umi looking at me like I did the worst thing

in the world and Lucas peeking into the office

looking at me like I did the best thing in the world

and Tanesha walking in and looking at me

just looking at meand me looking at her

and wishing so badthat I never

got into that fight with Shawn

Ocean

Ever since that day in the fifth grade when

I got suspended for three days

for fighting

Umi watched me so hard, her rules were so strict

that it felt like I’ve been trying to

breathe underwater

Every dumb shit I’ve ever done was me

fighting my way to the top

for some air

Clone

Ever since that day in the fifth grade

my teachers watched me so hard, so close

that I felt like I was trying to break out of prison

even though it was just school

Every dumb shit I did

they thought it was because of

trouble at home

an absent father

a tired mother

not enough books

not enough vegetables

not enough sleep

They believed those lies about me

and made themselves

a whole other boy

in their minds

and replaced me with him

Conversations with God

Why are you not on their side? I had asked Clyde

I never called him Mr. Richter

I ain’t a slave and he’s not my Mister

Master

Grandma calls me Master Amal

because she says

I am the master of my own destiny

I am the master of my own fate

I am the master of my body, mind, and spirit

So there was only room for one master

and Clyde ain’t it

(I never tell Grandma that on most days

I don’t feel like a master

I don’t feel like I’m the one in control)

These things that Grandma tells me

are like

a pan of mac and cheese on Sunday

a pair of socks for my birthday

a whisper in my ear that she’ll steal me away

to take me to her church

a tight hug around my waist and a kiss on my chin

because I’m way taller than her

These things that Grandma gives me are like

a butterscotch or peppermint candy from her purse

Sweet promises

that make me feel special

only for a little while

Then she goes home

to her church, to her Bible, to her knitting

to her bargain shopping at dollar stores

to her own

sweet

promises

I work for you, Amal

Only you, Clyde had said

So you’re in this for the money, I said

Amal— Umi interrupted

He gets to ask me all the questions

and I don’t get to ask him none? I said

Then he said, I’m in it for justice

And that’s when I knew for sure that

my lawyer speaks with two mouths

So when Clyde says, I’m sorry, Amal

We did all we could

after the officers handcuff me

I remember that he never really told me

he was on my side

African American

When I turned thirteen

Grandma told me she’d take me to

Africa

I told her Africa’s not a country

and she slapped my shoulder and

said I’m too smart for my own good

Umi said I should go to connect with my

Muslim brothers and sisters on the continent

and Grandma looked at her sideways

She said her church was organizing

a trip to Senegal and we’d go to someplace

called Goré Island and there’d be something

called the Door of No Return

It’s where slaves had to go through

to get on a ship sailing to America

It’s where African people lost everything

and stepped out into a future they didn’t know

So when the officers hold that door open

leading out of the courtroom

I think of that trip that never happened

and the Door of No Return

My life, my whole damn life

before that courtroom

before that trial

before that night

was like Africa

And this door leads to a slave ship

And maybe jailmaybe jail

isis America

Coming to America

The officer holding my arm

digs his nails into my skin

squeezing so tight

it feels as if he got hold

of a blood vessel

or something

because my heartmy heart

is suffocating

I clench my jaw and tighten every

muscle in my body

I want to be like steel, like iron

and I’m hoping

that I’m superhuman

The Entombment

The county jail behind the courtroom

is called the tombs

because it’s where the system

buries their dead

Clyde told me I won’t have a life sentence

and I won’t have a death sentence either

I guess this will be somewhere in between

like Jeremy Mathis

hanging in the middle

Dead to the world

but somewhere in our souls

we are both scratching at the walls

yelling to the sky

punching the air

to let everyone and everything know

that we are in here

still alive

The tombs is where we

wait for space in jail

hell

I’m sureI’m sure

The tombs is where we leave

our bodies so that our souls

can burn in an inferno

I’m sureI’m sure

This is what Jeremy Mathis’s mother

wants to believe

She said it herself

I hope he goes to hell

for what he did to my son

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