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Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know
WHY WOMEN SACRIFICE THEMSELVES IN RELATIONSHIPS
Perhaps this question seems unnecessary to you. As a friend of mine put it, “Darling, sacrifice is my middle name!” There are several reasons women sacrifice themselves so readily with men.
THE RESULTS OF SACRIFICING FOR LOVE
When you sacrifice for love and put yourself second in a relationship, you believe inside that your man will end up loving you more. This may or may not happen. But what will happen is:
WHEN YOU SACRIFICE WHO YOU ARE IN ORDER TO BE LOVED MORE BY SOMEONE ELSE, YOU END UP LOVING YOURSELF LESS
Each time you give up an interest, a friend, or a dream in the hope of winning a man’s love, you give away a piece of yourself. The more you sacrifice, the less of yourself remains, until one day you wake up and you feel empty. There is nothing of you left. You’ve cut it all away to become more acceptable, and in the process you’ve lost your essence, the soul of your womanhood.
This loss is almost always followed by anger or depression. You feel so much resentment toward yourself for what you have done, and an enormous loss of your self-respect and self-esteem. And you feel resentment towards the man you sacrificed for who, more times than not, didn’t end up loving you the way you wanted to be loved anyway.
THE SOLUTION: HOW TO STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF IN RELATIONSHIPS
1. Make a list of all the ways you have sacrificed for love in every relationship you’ve ever been in. This is NOT a fun exercise to do, but I highly recommend it as a powerful technique for getting you motivated and disgusted enough so that you will stop putting yourself second once and for all.
2. Make a list of people, interests, activities, and beliefs that are important to you. This will help you remember who you are and what you care about. It will be a lot more difficult for you to convince yourself that you really do enjoy dirt-bike racing, or fishing, or stamp collecting, or whatever the next man you meet is into.
3. Make a commitment to your own dreams, so you can become full in yourself, rather than an empty “emotional chameleon,” waiting to be filled up by a man. The more complete and whole you are as a woman, the less likely it is that you will walk into a relationship desperate for validation and therefore a likely candidate for sacrifice. In the final chapter of the book, I’ll give you some suggestions for becoming the powerful woman you know you can be.
MISTAKE 3
Women Fall in Love with a Man’s Potential
Do you pride yourself on your ability to “bring out the best in a man”?
Have you ever told yourself that, with “a little time and work,” the man you love will become just what you want him to be?
Have you ever felt that the reason your man hasn’t become as successful as he wants to be is that he hasn’t had anyone to “really love and support him” – that is, until you came along?
I don’t know about you, but these questions look painfully familiar to me. Until recently, I made a profession out of Mistake #3 – falling in love with a man’s potential. I was an expert at finding men in need, and focusing much of my time and energy on “helping” them, “fixing” them. Sometimes my efforts were successful, and the man would become successful. Sometimes my efforts failed. But every time, the same thing occurred in my life: I got to avoid my own career, my own dreams by attempting to rescue someone else.
For as long as I can remember, I’d always chosen men who needed fixing in a particular area of their life. Some needed to be emotionally opened up. Some needed to heal the pain of a difficult childhood. Some needed to stop procrastinating, get organized, and use their talents to make money. Some needed to improve their speaking ability or writing skills, or learn how to dress correctly, or how to be an attentive lover. So, I would come to the rescue. I would offer them direction and advice to sort out their confusion. I would give them my love, my money, my energy, and my advice. My friends and family would express their disapproval and tell me I was wasting my time, but that didn’t stop me. And even if the men didn’t seem to be improving, or didn’t appear to want my help, I wouldn’t give up. After all, I’d made a commitment.
Looking back, I realize that each time, I wasn’t really in a relationship – I was working on a project. And I wasn’t involved with a man – I was dedicated to a cause.
I WASN’T IN LOVE WITH THE MAN AS HE ACTUALLY WAS – I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIS POTENTIAL
After many years of frustration, heartache, and disappointment, I woke up one day and realized that I was in my early thirties, and still hadn’t accomplished my own career goals.
That’s when I said to myself, “Barbara, if you’d put even half the amount of energy, creativity, and commitment into your own goals and your own life that you’ve put into helping men unfold their potential, there’s no telling how successful and fulfilled you could become? “And that’s what I did, and you’re experiencing part of the result right now as you read this book.
HOW WE FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL
1. We go on “emotional rescue missions,” finding men who aren’t willing to help themselves, and attempt to “save” them.
Allison, a 32-year-old real-estate salesperson, came to me for career counseling. The more we talked, the more apparent it became that her problem wasn’t with her real-estate job, but with her other full-time “job” – taking care of Harry. Allison had been living with Harry, a 37-year-old actor, for three years. “I love Harry so much,” she explained. “He had a really rough childhood, and a first marriage that was just awful, so when I met him, he was very insecure and abusive to himself. He’s a good actor, he really is, but he’s had a hard time finding work. He used to do a lot of cocaine and smoke cigarettes. I got him to stop, so that’s been good. Now I’m working with him on setting well-defined goals and sticking to a schedule. I’m sure you probably think I’m crazy for being with him, but I just know that he could be really successful, I can feel it.”
Allison believed in Harry more than he believed in himself. She loved the potential in him, not the man he was living as from day to day. In some part of Allison’s mind, she’d decided that she would be successful when Harry got his life together. So no matter how well she did in her own career, she felt like a failure as long as Harry wasn’t progressing according to her plan.
2. We find men who don’t love us or treat us well, and hold out for the piece we aren’t getting that we know is in there.
Erika, 45, was a perfect example of a woman making Mistake #3. She’d been married to Arnold for nineteen years, and had never been happy for all that time. “I not only fell in love with Arnold’s potential,” she admitted tearfully, “I married it! Arnold has never been a very loving, giving person. He’s emotionally closed off and very critical. But inside of him, there is this sweet, frightened little boy who comes out once in a while and who just wants to be loved. When we were dating, I’d see glimpses of that part of him, and just melt. I remember the night he proposed to me, he broke down and cried for the first time since I’d known him. I realized that he had problems, but I figured, If I just love him enough, he will open up.’ My parents disapproved of the marriage, but I told them they didn’t know Arnold like I did.
“Well, nineteen years and three kids later, Arnold hasn’t changed a bit. I’ve spent most of our marriage feeling unloved and unappreciated, and I can’t take it anymore. I still love him, and I still see that beautiful part inside of him, but I’m finally facing the fact that he just isn’t going to change. I know I’m making the right decision in leaving him, but somehow I feel if only I’d loved him more or helped him more, maybe he would have opened up.”
Erika spent her life longing for that piece of Arnold he was withholding, rather than telling herself the truth about what he was really willing to give her in the relationship, I know just how Erika felt, because I did exactly that in one of my own relationships. I spent several years with someone I loved very much, who not only wasn’t living his own potential, but wasn’t giving me that last piece of his heart, that last 10 percent of emotional surrender and commitment. And like Erika, I set myself up for failure by thinking:
IF I LOVE HIM ENOUGH, HE WILL CHANGE
The truth is, if a man loves himself enough, he will change!
Women who fall in love with a man’s potential often don’t feel good about themselves and think they need to perform in order to be loved by someone else. We choose men who are emotionally challenging and then set out to love them in spite of who they are. Then we get to say, “Look how loving, patient, tolerant, and compassionate I am. I must be lovable, right?”
I finally learned that:
HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN MEANS LOVING HIM FOR WHO HE IS NOW, AND NOT LOVING HIM IN SPITE OF WHO HE IS TODAY, OR IN HOPES OF WHO HE WILL BE TOMORROW
WHY WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A “RESCUE-HOLIC”
Here are some warning signs to watch out for that may indicate you are making Mistake #3:
THE SOLUTION: HOW TO STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL
As a recovering “rescue-holic,” let me give you some suggestions for healing yourself of this painful pattern.
1. Focus your creative energies on your own life and career first, rather than on your man’s. Make a list of your dreams and goals, and a concrete plan for attaining them. Stick to your own schedule, and beware of getting sidetracked. This means that if you plan to attend a networking meeting that can help you get more clients for your business, but your boyfriend needs help fixing up his apartment, go to your meeting! Know what you want in life before you even get involved in a new relationship, so that your agenda comes first.
2. Make a list: “The things I’m avoiding in my life by rescuing men.” Often you won’t be aware of how many of your own emotions or challenges you are avoiding by rescuing men. Making a list will help focus your attention on these hidden areas.
3. Find a man who wants to take responsibility for fixing himself, so that you don’t have to do the work for him. There’s nothing wrong with supporting the man you love in his personal growth and helping him make the changes he wants to make. When two people really love one another, both of them help bring out the hidden potential in the other. But it’s important that you work as a team – that your man is as committed to working on himself as you are.
I suggest that, in the beginning of a relationship, you ask a man what his personal goals are, and how he plans to achieve them. You might find out that even though you want him to become more emotional or expressive, he has no interest in developing that way. Then you’d know he’s not for you. If he does claim he wants to grow in the same ways you’d like to see him grow, give him some time, love, and support, and evaluate him in a few months. If you haven’t seen progress or change, discuss this with him, and find out why nothing has happened. Remember: Actions speak louder than words.
MISTAKE 4
Women Cover Up Their Excellence and Competence
Do you have a bad habit of putting yourself down in front of the man you love?
Do you have a difficult time receiving compliments and praise?
Do you possess talents and abilities your partner isn’t even aware of?
Most women are so good at making Mistake #4 that they don’t even know it. We cover up our intelligence, accomplishments, clarity, and abilities in order to avoid threatening the man in our life and to make him feel better about himself. We do this in several ways.
1. We talk about ourselves in derogatory terms, putting ourselves down for the slightest mistake, and therefore appearing not to like ourselves very much.
“I can’t believe how stupid I was to forget about your business meeting tonight. Sometimes I just can’t seem to remember anything.”
“My boss said he was happy with my report, but I don’t think I did a very good job. I got kind of confused about the financial projections and didn’t really know what I was talking about.”
“I’m so upset about how fat I am getting. Would you look at this cellulite?”
2. We argue with men when they attempt to pay us a compliment and we act as if we want to talk them out of their positive opinion of us.
“Really? You like this dress? Why, it’s two years old. I really don’t think the style is that flattering, but I wanted to get some wear out of it. Thanks anyway.”
“Oh, honey, planning the surprise party for you was really nothing. I mean, it didn’t take that much time, and I had help. You don’t have to make such a fuss over it.”
“You enjoyed my presentation? Well, actually, I felt kind of rushed since I was the last person to speak, and I wasn’t sure if my facts would be well received. I think everyone was just relieved that the meeting was over – that’s why I got all that applause.”
3. We hide our talents and accomplishments from the men in our life.
Sondra was a perfect example of a woman who makes Mistake #4. She’d been married to Greg for seven years, and was an expert at making herself appear to be less competent and intelligent than he was. “Greg likes to feel like he’s in charge,” Sondra confided to me in a soft voice, “so I guess you could say I have always downplayed myself from the time we first started dating.” Sondra was understating the facts – the truth was, she’d never even told Greg that she’d finished college with honors and had earned a scholarship to graduate school. He had no idea that she spoke fluent French, or that she’d been invited to work for a very successful French businessman in Paris before she’d met him. Sondra “neglected” to tell Greg these things about herself because, as she put it, “they’re really not that important anymore.”
Ellen, 37, and her husband, Andy, 39, were a two-career couple. Andy was an investment counselor for a large brokerage firm, and Ellen was in charge of public relations for a clothing manufacturer. They came to me for counseling after noticing some difficulties in their marriage. “I don’t feel like Andy really appreciates me the way he should,” Ellen complained. “I work as hard as he does, but we always seem to discuss his problems and not mine.”
“It’s true, we do spend more time talking about my job,” Andy replied, “but I suppose that’s because my work is more complex than yours.” Naturally Ellen was furious when she heard her husband making his job the more important of the two.
I talked with Ellen and Andy for a while until I discovered the source of the problem. Ellen was making Mistake #4 – constantly hiding her accomplishments from Andy and downplaying the importance of her work in order to make him feel more important. Of course, she wasn’t doing this consciously. It was a habit she’d developed from growing up as the smarter, older sister to a younger brother, and always being told by her parents, “Now Ellen, don’t you go telling Jonathan how well you did in school this semester - you know he’s having trouble with his grades.”
Ellen continued this same behavior with her husband. She never let him know about the important clients she was assigned to meet and work with; she neglected to tell him how well respected she was by her peers; and she rarely shared her dreams and goals for the future with him. “No wonder I don’t feel appreciated by Andy,” Ellen admitted after hearing about Mistake #4. “I haven’t been appreciating myself, and how could he even know how terrific I am if I hide it from him?”
There are millions of us like Ellen and Sandy – competent, talented, hard-working women who don’t know how to celebrate their magnificence with the men in their lives.
WHY WE COVER UP OUR EXCELLENCE AND COMPETENCE
“Always let the boy win if you play games together. That way, he’ll like you more.”
“Don’t act too smart around men, or they won’t want to take you out. You have to build them up, and make them feel smarter than you.”
AS WOMEN, WE’VE BEEN CONDITIONED TO MAKE OUR MEN LOOK AND FEEL SMARTER AND BETTER THAN WE ARE IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT THEY WILL LOVE US
We go into relationships with a belief that if we look too good to a man, he won’t want to be with us, and so we work hard to make him look better than he is, and to make ourselves look worse than we are.
“Now Susie, I’m glad that you got all As on your report card, but I wouldn’t tell too many people about it. It isn’t nice to brag, and girls must be modest.”
“Ginny, don’t stare at yourself in the mirror like that. It isn’t ladylike to think too highly of yourself. Girls who are too proud are unpopular.”
I remember my mother telling me when I was still in junior high school that the more successful and accomplished I became, the more people would be jealous of me, the less friends I’d have, and that I should be careful not to intimidate people with my talents. Like all mothers, she meant well, and I can’t say that I haven’t experienced some of these reactions in my life. But she was just passing down a self-deprecating philosophy that her mother had taught her, and that so many of us learned growing up. A woman shouldn’t look too good – it’s not feminine or attractive.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE “NICE GIRLS,” WOMEN HIDE THEIR MAGNIFICENCE
WHY HIDING YOUR COMPETENCE DOESN’T WORK
1. Hiding your competence kills the passion in your relationship. When we diminish our accomplishments and hide our excellence from the men in our lives, we think we’re going to make ourselves less threatening and therefore more attractive to the man we love, but in reality, the opposite occurs:
MEN ARE TURNED ON BY COMPETENCE AND TURNED OFF BY WEAKNESS
Men love competence in women. They are trained to be competent themselves, and recognizing it in someone else makes them feel attracted to that person. During my research for this book, I interviewed hundreds of men, and almost all of them agreed that a woman who exudes self-confidence is very appealing. The men respect these women and take them more seriously.
