Just for the Rush

‘Children need consistency. I know you hated us leaving you in school but it was better for you than being on the move every other month. But what you must remember with this girl, if she’s yours, is that children are not toys. You have a tendency to lose patience with things, Jack, you always have. If you step into this child’s life you cannot walk out a few months later when you’re bored.’

‘Mum, I have a business I’ve been running for years. I’ve been climbing since I was a teenager. I don’t get bored of everything.’ But she was right, I did get bored of a lot of stuff. I was bored of my life. But I would not become bored of my child. Daisy. She would be a constant. Like Em. Like the business. Like my male friends. I had constants. ‘I know, Mum.’

‘Then I’m glad for you. I’d like to meet her.’

‘She looks like me; I’ve seen her picture.’

The sound of another deep breath slipped through my mobile phone. ‘I hope this turns into a good thing for you.’

‘This is a good thing. I know it.’ Hope… No. There was no hope about it.

‘Thank you for calling me, Jack. I’m glad you did.’

I took a breath, words wanted to come out of me which were not natural to me. ‘I’m glad I did too. I’m sorry I don’t call you enough. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ That emotion was in her voice – loud and clear. She ended the call.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d said those words to her. Years ago.

Maybe this was already starting to heal over the errors I’d made. A granddaughter could build a bridge to reach my parents. Maybe even Dad would forgive me for messing up.

When I stripped off and showered, my mind span through what I would need to do to become a man who’d make a good father. I’d never have planned this, but it had happened and I didn’t want irregular phone calls and hour-long visits, watched over by Victoria. I wanted to change my life. I wanted to be a dad. I needed to get a DNA test done and then I’d get my lawyer on to it, to get proper rights. I wanted part-custody, agreed by a judge – and if I was going to get that, then I needed to clean up my life.

I didn’t even drink at the ball, I watched Victoria as she talked to people and danced with friends. Now I’d had time to digest the news, I was angry with her. She should have told me. I’d made a mess of my life. I could have stopped myself doing it if I’d known there was a reason to live life differently. Suddenly everything wrong with my life was her fault, which was bollocks, but I was looking for someone to blame because it was easier to blame someone other than myself.

We swapped numbers at the end of the night, having hardly spoken to each other, so I bet people thought something weird was going on, but she hadn’t told anyone, so I didn’t. Then I said goodbye to the other people I’d caught up with and afterwards I made the decision to drive home.

What was the point in staying here? I hadn’t drunk and I wouldn’t sleep.

While I drove back, my mind ran through what I’d need to do to turn myself around – grow up. I had to become someone who wouldn’t make me feel guilty. Someone I’d be happy for my daughter to know. Someone who could invite a child over for the weekend. Someone I could stand to look at in a mirror

I called John, my lawyer, as I drove, even though it was two-thirty a.m., and left a message on his work phone. ‘Hi, John, I’ve got a new job for you. Please keep this quiet. I discovered I have a child. Call me on Monday and I’ll give you the mother’s details, then you can contact her and ask her to get a lawyer. I want a DNA test done and I want to apply for access rights. I want to be able to have the child stay with me.’

I was going to be the person who could have my daughter stay over. I’d needed a new ambition for the next five years of my life. I had it. Become a decent man who could be a father.

When I got home it was four a.m. I lifted a hand, acknowledging the security guard as I drove into the basement car park. He nodded at me with a smile. He’d know who was in my apartment, he saw everyone who went in and out, and at what time they went in and when they came out, because there was a camera in the lift.

He’d probably seen a lot of parts of Sharon and me in that lift too, and parts of the people we brought back. God, if Victoria wanted to stop me seeing my daughter she’d have a ton of evidence against it.

But I hadn’t known I’d had a reason to be respectable.

It was a pathetic excuse. I got out, locked the car up with the button and walked towards the lift, carrying my bag. I’d left my suits hanging in the car.

As I rode the lift up to the top floor I thought about the security guy watching me when I’d let Sharon suck me off in here, or fucked her, or fucked one of the girls we’d brought in. I bet he thought I was an arrogant prick. He’d probably watched it like a porn show and laughed at me.

I hadn’t cared before.

When the doors opened I walked into our private hall and unlocked the door. The place was quiet.

I didn’t shout. I had no doubt there would be people in here. I ran upstairs first and checked the spare rooms on the mezzanine level. There were no people in there. Thank God. This would be easier than I’d thought. I checked the bathroom and looked outside, no one.

I went into our room last, my heart pumping hard.

They were sleeping.

There was a guy I didn’t know on the bed, tangled up in the sheets with Sharon, and one of her girlfriends was cuddled into his back. She must have gone out with Sharon. Another girl, who I didn’t know, was sleeping next to Sharon. My guess would be they’d pulled a couple in a club and promised them the night of their lives. It was the promise Sharon always made. She’d used the line on me when we’d met.

I stood there looking at them for a minute. If Sharon was awake, her hand would be lifting out to me, begging me to join whatever tangled cobweb of sex they were in. I was her handsome, rich plaything. I don’t think she loved me any more than I loved her. I’d been kidding myself in the beginning and she’d been having fun. But this was the end. It was time to call stop. I couldn’t bring a child into a life like this.

I kicked the sole of the guy’s foot. ‘Get up.’

He groaned. He was going to feel like shit. They’d probably snorted cocaine and Sharon loved picking out people who didn’t normally do that sort of thing.

I kicked him again. ‘Get up.’

He rolled over, on to Sharon. ‘Where the—what the fuck?’

The women woke too.

‘Get up and get out. This is my place. I don’t want you in it.’

He sat up, looking back at Sharon. He was a bulky, muscular guy. If he wanted to fight me he’d probably win. ‘I thought you said your boyfriend was cool with this…’

‘He’s my husband—’

‘And he is cool with it, very cool,’ Sharon’s friend Karen, who had fairly regular sex with us, answered.

‘Not any more. Get out. All of you. I pay the bills here, I own the sheets you’re fucking on, and I am not cool with it. So, fuck off.’ I grabbed the top sheet and pulled at it, revealing some of their tangled-up naked bodies.

The guy got up. ‘Alright, mate, no need to go fucking mental.’ He walked past me and picked a pair of jeans up off the floor. Then looked back as he put them on. ‘Come on, Pen.’

‘You too, Karen. Get out.’ I glared at her.

She got up, all long skinny limbs. She was into heroin, not just cocaine. She had needle marks all over the inner sides of her arms.

My conscience kicked; her relationship with Sharon and I was probably a part of her addiction. I don’t think I’d ever looked at her when I was sober and clean before. I saw a different person.

She smiled at me, came over and touched my crotch. I gripped her wrist and took her hand away. ‘Just get out.’ She smiled as if she believed we’d call her in an hour and ask her back.

Never again. I’d received my wake-up shout and Daisy was my get-out-of-jail-free card.

When they walked out, clothes thrown on or hanging in their hands, I went into the hall and watched until they walked out the main door. It clicked shut behind them.

For the first time I thought about what all the hangers-on in my life might have done with the freedom of my apartment while I’d been out of my head. But I didn’t have much to steal. Sharon and I didn’t spend money on trinkets, we spent it on sex and drugs – and clothes – but Sharon did have some jewellery. We’d probably had stuff stolen and not even known.

I went back into the bedroom and looked at her. She was leaning up on her elbows in the bed. ‘What’s brought you back in a bad mood?’

I stared at her. I didn’t know what to say to this.

‘Come and get into bed. You’ll feel better.’

‘No.’ Oh, just say it. ‘I have a kid with one of the girls I was at school with. I found out today.’

She sat up and the sheet slithered to her lap, revealing her body to the waist. ‘What?’

‘My daughter is seven years old. I got a girl pregnant and she didn’t tell me.’

‘Oh, my God. That was a riot, then.’ It was said in a dismissive, sarcastic tone.

‘I need to change my life. I want my daughter in it, and this is not the sort of life a child can see. We’re not having any more parties and no more cocaine.’

Her face screwed up, as though she was annoyed and she thought I’d gone crazy.

‘I mean it.’

She slid across the bed and got up, then grabbed a dressing gown off the floor, walked past me and went into the bathroom. ‘Don’t be pathetic.’

‘I’ve had enough of living like this. I don’t want to do it any more. I’m not this man.’

‘You’ve never complained before.’

‘No. But I’m complaining now. We need to settle down. I want to be normal. I want to be able to invite my daughter here. I want to stand up in front of her and not feel dirty.’

She made a face at me, then squatted down over the toilet and weed, with the door open. ‘How do you know she’ll even want to see you? How can you know you’ll even like her?’

‘I like her already.’ Victoria was in my mind and through Victoria I could imagine our child. She’d be sweet, polite. If I’d had a child with Sharon, it would be a spoilt brat. ‘I called John. I’m getting a DNA test done and then he’ll start working on legal rights and I’m going to set up a trust fund for her.’

‘You haven’t even met the kid—’

‘I don’t need to meet her. She’s mine and I have seven years of her life to make up. So, Sharon, you need to change or we’re over.’

‘What?’ She shouted as she wiped herself. ‘What have you taken?’

‘Nothing.’ For the first time in a long time.

Only Sharon would have this sort of conversation with me while she was using the toilet. She had no decency. But even that had turned me on in the past.

‘Then where’s this sudden burst of anger come from?’ She walked past me, her dressing gown hanging open. Then she climbed on the bed. ‘Come to bed, Jack. You’ll get bored of the kid and forget about this and think differently in a few days. Come on. I’ll make you forget your bad mood.’

‘No thanks. Me and my bad mood are happy together. I like it. You can go back to sleep.’

I walked out and went into the living room, then sat on the floor with my back up against the sofa and my knees bent up, and watched the sun rise over London through the glass.

Sharon wouldn’t change and she wouldn’t go, and I didn’t want to be with her. If I was going to change my life, I had to be the one who left.

At seven I went back into the bedroom and started packing. She was out cold in the bed. I packed my clothes into five suitcases. She didn’t wake. My clothes were all I wanted – everything else I’d leave for her and buy new.

I took the cases down to the car, then went back up to tell her I was leaving her.

I shook her shoulder. Her eyes opened. ‘I’ve decided. You won’t change. But I’m changing. So I’m going. I’m leaving you. Don’t bother calling – and find a lawyer. I want a divorce.’

I took a room at the Hilton, left my car and my things there, then caught a tube back and got my motorbike out of the underground car park and rode that over to the Hilton too. Then I started looking on the Internet for somewhere new to live and rang Em.

‘Hi. Sorry to interrupt your Sunday, but I wanted to warn you, I won’t be in tomorrow. Can you run the meeting and tell everyone I’m off because Sharon and I have split? I’m going to get somewhere else to live. I want to do some viewings and then I’ll be back in.’

‘You split up?’

‘Yes, and do not say I told you so, or thank God, or anything. We split up because I discovered I have a daughter, a seven-year-old daughter.’

‘Oh my God. You—’

‘Say nothing.’

‘Saying nothing. I’ll see you on Tuesday, with any luck. I hope it goes okay. If you need me, call.’

‘Cheers, Em.’

I sat on the sofa in the hotel room and scrolled down through the pages of apartments. I’d done it. I was making a new start.

At one o’clock I called Victoria. ‘Hi, it’s Jack.’

‘I know, your number’s in my phone.’

‘Can I speak to her? Daisy. Have you said anything?’

‘We’re eating, Jack.’

‘Shall I call back, then?’

‘No. I’ll call you later.’

‘Do.’

‘I said I would, Jack.’

It was two hours later when she called. I grabbed my phone. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’

My heart pounded like the bass rhythm from a speaker in a club. ‘Is she there? Is she with you?’

‘Yes.’ Victoria sounded nervous. ‘Daisy, do you want to speak to him still? His name is Jack, remember.’

Victoria’s voice had become more distant at the end of the sentence, as if she held the phone out, then I heard some short, sharp breaths. She was there. ‘Hi. Daisy?’

‘Hello.’

Tears clouded my vision. ‘Hello. It’s nice to talk to you.’ What did I say?

‘Mummy said she met you at the party she went to.’

‘Yes, she did. I’ve only just discovered you, Daisy. I’d like to come and see you sometime.’ Sometime soon.

She took a breath. ‘Mummy said your eyes are like mine.’

‘Yes.’

‘I want to go and play again.’ The sound dropped away.

‘Sorry, she has about as much patience as you did.’

It felt like something had been ripped away from me. ‘When can I see her?’

‘Jack, don’t start pressuring me. It’s not only Daisy who needs to get used to this, it’s my husband too, and I’m not risking my marriage for you. Take it easy.’

‘You can’t dangle her in front of me and then say no.’

‘I’m not doing that. Please don’t start being awkward.’

‘Wanting to see my daughter is not being awkward.’ I was tired and desperate and falling to pieces. ‘But I will play it how you want to play it.’

John would fight my case. In the meantime I needed to do everything right, and if I was lucky, maybe by Christmas, I would have a daughter to spend that day with. That would be something. That was a goal worth aiming for.

Chapter 2

Today, December 24th

When I got out of Jack’s car, he said, ‘I’ll see you later.’

I looked back at him. He was leaning on the passenger seat, while his other hand still gripped the steering wheel. ‘Yeah, see you later.’

He smiled as I shut the door.

Shit. I must be mad. This was a stupid thing to do. When he drove off, I lifted a hand and stood there like an idiot, waving at him. A big guy was walking down the street. He looked at me. I turned to climb the steps up to the front door then glanced over my shoulder to take one final look at Jack’s car as it turned the corner. The stranger caught my eye, smiled at me like he was laughing at me, then pulled his beanie hat lower and carried on walking.

I keyed in the code to get into the house and up to my flat, my heart playing out a manic dance rhythm. I was excited and terrified all at once.

I’d never done anything crazy before.

My hands shook as I packed, while the adrenaline dripped out of my blood, the excitement draining out and leaving the nervousness behind. I didn’t put a lot in my case. I didn’t need clothes for staying in bed for a week—having naughty, nasty, sex.

The words gave me shivers. I heard them in Jack’s voice and I felt them in naughty places.

The buzzer on the intercom sounded.

I answered, ‘Hi.’

‘Are you ready?’

I looked back at the case on my bed. I’d shove some heels in and my black dress, then… ‘Yes.’

‘Do you want me to come up and carry your case?’

‘Oo, you’re such a gentleman when you’re not talking about sex. No. I’ll manage. I’ll meet you outside.’ My heart bounced against my ribcage, partly excitedly and partly terrified. The adrenaline was kicking back in now I’d heard his voice.

This was so random. When I’d woken up this morning I’d imagined spending a week in my pyjamas, streaming constant films so I could avoid all the C-word specials, with Ben and Jerry’s on tap.

‘You’re being stupid,’ Rick’s voice said in my head, with a sharp note of warning.

I squeezed my favourite high-heeled shoes into the backpack I had my makeup and toiletries in, grabbed my dress out of the wardrobe and lay it on top of my clothes in the case, then closed the lid. There. Ready. I was done. I was going. Doing this.

I smiled as I left my room and let the door slam shut behind me. But then I turned around and pushed it to check it had shut. In the way Rick would have done. It had shut.

I smiled again as I walked downstairs. I hadn’t left Rick to spend the rest of my life in an attic flat for one. And I didn’t want to begin breeding cats to fight the loneliness. I’d turned the opportunity of life with Rick down because I wanted to do different things. Exciting things. To live in the moment. To feel my heart race. I wanted to be one of the fast-living, uncaring, naughty people – like Jack.

When I opened the downstairs front door, Jack was leaning with his bum against his F-Type Coupe, his keys in his hand. He was wearing the same black trousers and shoes, but he’d swapped his duffle coat for a waist-length leather jacket.

He shifted into movement when he saw me and came over to take the case out of my hand, with one of those tummy-flipping smiles.

‘I was half-expecting a text calling it all off.’

‘Why?’

‘I thought you might go cold on the idea.’

‘No. Still hot.’ I followed him down the steps.

He pressed the button on the key fob and the lights on the car flashed as the locks released, then he loaded my case into the boot, came around and opened the door for me.

‘Are you this much of a gentleman in bed?’

‘You’ll have to wait and see. But probably not. I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Nasty and a gentlemen… Nah.’ The sound at the end of the sentence implied… not a good fit.

My heart raced through the steps of River Dance. How naughty and ungentlemanly/nasty would he be in bed? The idea blew shivers through me.

The seat in his Jag felt like it hugged me. ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this. You do realise it’s nuts,’ I said as he dropped into the driver’s seat. ‘I have no idea how I’m going to work for you after this.’

‘With good memories,’ he said, as he started the engine.

I pressed my head back into the leather. Yes. With memories. That was a good currency; I was only going to trade in making amazing memories from now on – memories that made me go, wow did I do that? Memories that made my heart pound years later. Even if I ended up lonely, with loads of cats, I’d have memories.

Memories of Rick slipped through my head. But they weren’t anything to look back on in ten years’ time. They were like watching YouTube clips of cute kittens. There had been ‘ah’ moments. But never ‘wow, what was that?’ moments.

Biffy Clyro played out from the speakers in the car, ‘Animal Style’. Jack turned the music down a little.

‘I feel like I’m back at school, playing truant,’ I said when he pulled away.

He glanced over and smiled.

‘How long will it take to get there?’

‘It depends on the traffic: about four hours-ish, maybe five.’

He drove into the high street. ‘I have to keep my eyes open, as I’m driving, but feel free to shut yours if you want to avoid the C lights.’

I smiled, but it was twisted. He didn’t see my expression; he was watching the road. ‘You really are bitter. Is this offer of yours more to do with Sharon than me?’

‘Why? Would that make you ask me to turn around and drop you back home?’

My heart danced another Irish jig. ‘No. I’m not here for a relationship, am I? January 2nd, this is over. And you didn’t offer me anything but sex, so why should I care if you’re trying to shut Sharon out. This isn’t anything to do with feelings. So whatever the reason, I don’t care.’

‘Who is bitter?’

‘You. I split with Rick because when he asked me to marry him I couldn’t imagine spending my life with him. And before you ask why, he’s dull. I’m not bitter; I’m just seeking some excitement.’

He glanced at me, with an eyebrow-lift. ‘So your motive for fucking my brains out is to get the boring Rick out of your head. You’re right, I don’t mind if you make me your Rick-eraser. This isn’t about feelings. So that makes us even.’

A laugh came out awkwardly, then I turned the conversation off me. ‘Do you take women up to this place a lot?’

He glanced over again. ‘What, because I’m such a cheat?’

‘Jack, you flirt all the time. And you didn’t deny you’ve had affairs. And we aren’t blind at work, we see them flouncing into the office, and then you disappear—’

‘Flouncing into the office…’ He chuckled.

‘Have you ever done it with Emma?’ They were close, they’d been together for about six years. They’d become friends at uni and then built the business up from the ground together.

He looked at me with a twisted expression. ‘No. She’s my best friend, and she’d be really annoyed with me if she knew I was stealing you away for a dirty, extended weekend. I can hear her voice. Jack, you idiot, what do you think you’re doing? Ivy is one of our best people.’

‘Am I one of your best people?’

‘Doesn’t Em tell you that? She tells me it. She’s been warning me off you ever since you started.’

A surprised laugh was pulled from my throat. ‘Since I started…’

‘She’s seen me watching you.’

‘You watch me?’ I smiled, because I’d guessed he glanced at me at work, and it felt good to hear him admit it.

‘You watch me too.’

‘I do no—’ Him knowing that didn’t feel so nice.

‘Don’t you dare lie.’ He glanced over. ‘I’m not blind.’

I poked my tongue out at him as the traffic slowed and he stopped. His hand came over and squeezed my knee, then let go and returned to the gear stick.

‘But I’ve only seen you looking, because I watch you. The best view is when you wear those black-and-white chequered trousers and lean on to someone’s desk to talk. Your bum looks amazing in those. But then your bum looks pretty amazing in anything. I told you, people who look like you should not be with people like Rick. I cannot imagine, for one minute, that he knew how to deal with you.’

‘Deal with me…’ I discarded the comment, because it made a tremor run up my spine. I couldn’t imagine how Jack was going to, deal with me. ‘You’re such a player. I bet you watch Susie in Nero’s, and every other woman’s bum.’

‘No. Only the bottoms of the girls I really like. You’re one of them.’

A blush caught alight and flared into a hot flame under my skin.

‘See, Em doesn’t know what I know, that you fancy me too. I wouldn’t have made my suggestion to you tonight if I hadn’t known that.’

‘How could you know that?’

‘How could I know… ah, that’s nice, you admit it.’

I pulled a face at him as he stopped at a red light behind a scarlet double-decker bus.