Organize Your Mind, Organize Your Life

First, because she was emotionally distraught over what her episode with the keys had wrought in her workday, I knew that I had to calm Jill down; to help her Tame the Frenzy (Rule #1). You can’t get organized and can’t make rational decisions about how to get organized when you’re distraught. In her case, the suggestion of the launch pad began a new process of thinking, not only reacting to the problem at hand.

Next, finding the little box that she eventually used for her launch pad and clearing out the space for it at home and in the office helped her to Sustain Attention (Rule #2) on the tasks at hand:

1) putting her keys down and later

2) finding her keys—by removing physical/cognitive distractions

This small success helped Jill become more confident. You can imagine her now starting her morning on a more positive note, heading out the door on time and ready to face the day, as opposed to already demoralized, frustrated and down on herself because of a moment’s inattentiveness.

In the pages ahead we will examine more closely each of the Rules of Order, one at a time, and give you the tools and solutions that can help you to better sustain attention, stay on task and, above all, create a greater sense of order and efficiency in a world that often seems anything but.

Coach Meg and I will provide you with your own launch pad—and then some.

CHAPTER 2

A Change Will Do You Good/Coach Meg

MY COAUTHOR, DR. PAUL HAMMERNESS, does in this book what doctors do wonderfully well at their best—share their expert knowledge and wisdom in a compelling fashion so that you can make the best possible decisions and choices about your health and life. But of course knowledge and insight are only a start. Knowing what to do is one thing; knowing how you’re going to do it is quite another. Doing something means that you need to make some changes, develop some new habits and unlearn some old ones. That’s where I come in.

As a professional coach, change is my business. My kind of coaching has a few things in common with those who coach football or basketball teams. Like the men and women who exemplify the best of that profession, we know how to help people accomplish their best. But our goals are not to win games and the people we coach are not always young or athletic. Today the most established domains for coaching are in the executive suites of some of America’s largest corporations. In the United States, more than five thousand executive coaches help CEOs and other leaders to improve their performance, impact and capacities and to handle the pressure cooker of the executive suite without sacrificing their families and health.

Of course, executive coaches are not limited to helping executives. Indeed, many of the people I’ve worked with were individuals trying to either get to the top of their field or on top of some other aspect of their lives. Coaches help clients navigate life transitions or realize lifelong goals and dreams. Wellness coaches work with people to improve their health and well-being in a way that lasts.

No matter whether we’re helping Fortune 500 executives balance their lives or middle-aged sedentary individuals manage their health, the process and the tools we coaches use are often similar. In a nutshell, we help people organize their brains for change. I help you achieve clarity, choose a focus, build a plan, and embark upon and complete the journey of change. Doing this requires an understanding of how the brain works, and because of that, the best coaches have strong foundations in psychology and neuroscience. In particular, we are interested in the psychology of change. Research suggests that this work—the work of change—involves the activation and organization of the prefrontal cortex of the brain or, as Harvard psychiatrist and author John Ratey calls it, the “thinking CEO” region. Coaching also works on the limbic system, the home of our emotions. Coaches help clients increase positive emotions and better manage or decrease negte emotions, which increases the likelihood of success. Positive psychology research has proven that positivity, or increased positive emotions, opens and broadens our thinking and increases our resilience and capacity to change.

As a coach, my specialty is inspiring and facilitating the process of change—and that’s what I intend to do with you in the pages of this book.

I am here to help you make the changes that will enable you to get a better handle on your life—to get your life better organized and to help you become more attentive, focused, and less distracted. My job is to prepare and guide you through this journey. I will help you motivate yourself (the only kind of motivation that works). I will help you identify and mobilize the resources you need. I will try to build your confidence so that you can complete this journey. I will keep watch for the obstacles and hazards along your journey—the kinds of things that can derail the change journey—and help you steer clear of them or get back on your feet when you fall back.

Of course, while I can show you the way, I can’t take the journey for you. Making change is work; it takes time and commitment. The fact that you are reading this book suggests that you have already taken an important first step on that journey.

In the previous chapter, Dr. Hammerness identified and explained the Rules of Order, the traits demonstrated by individuals who are functioning at a high level of organization and productivity. So there you have the “what to do”—what you need to do in order to become the person who is on top of things in your life. Now comes the “how to do it” part.

As I’ve said, getting better organized and more focused is a process of change. And like any change in your behavior, whether it’s losing weight or quitting smoking, it’s going to require a certain mind-set. In order to achieve that mind-set, and to begin to get a better handle on your life and the changes needed to feel less frenzied and more in control, I’d like to share some tips with you, based on my knowledge and experience as a coach.

YOU’RE THE BOSS

Enough for a moment about Dr. Hammerness and Coach Meg and about Rules of Order and action plans. Let’s put the spotlight on you.

As discussed earlier, humans are wired to want to be in control and resist being changed by others. It manifests itself early—witness an infant’s need to assert even a modicum of control by refusing to eat his mushy carrots. It reaches another peak when a parent reaches her elder years and heartily resists the advice of her children.

It’s up to you to decide that you want to have a better organized life—and that, in doing so, you need to some degree to change the way you use your brain. Maybe your spouse bought you this book in the hopes that you won’t lose another pair of expensive sunglasses or forget that you left the pot of water boiling on the stove. That’s fine; it is still up to you to decide to change—and on your terms. Forget what others are telling you that you need to work on. You’re in charge. You choose.

We have spotlighted some of the key principles of organization and focus (our Rules of Order) to help give you the language, a reference point, a starting point. Ultimately, though, the ability to incorporate, to some degree or another, all six principles will go a long way toward improving the organization of your life, but that doesn’t mean you have to master all six. Again, you’re the one best suited to know.

GET CLEAR ON YOUR PRIORITIES

You can’t change many things at the same time; you’re not likely to change any if you’re using up all of your bandwidth at this moment. Unlike the cable modem that can seemingly accommodate unlimited data, pictures and text, your personal capacity to handle data and stimuli has its boundaries. You may know that you need to get better organized at some point, but your first priority may be to help a colleague through a crisis or care for a sick family member. Know that you can put the book down and come back to it later—you may have more important priorities right now.

But let’s say that getting better organized feels like the top priority right now. You’re sick and tired of feeling distracted and disorganized during the day and worrying that not much got done by the end of the day. You feel it’s time to get beyond the struggle that has plagued you for years.

Now you have some choices. Dr. Hammerness has presented his Rules of Order—those six areas where you can work on improving the organization of your brain. Reflect on and assess your mastery or lack of talent or skill for each of the six dimensions of an organized brain. Celebrate and be grateful for the dimensions where you are in good shape, either because you inherited good genes or you had an amazing parent or teacher who patiently and relentlessly helped you build that dimension. Appreciate that you can enlist the dimensions where you are strong to help you improve on the weaker ones.

Choose what, when and how to change carefully and thoughtfully. Success begets success. Failure will damage your confidence and bring negativity.

Although several areas may be calling for attention, it’s important to pick the area that will set the dominos in motion, the area where you can make good progress quickly and build confidence in working on other tougher areas.

Which area might set in motion a domino effect (like unblocking a blockage)? Which would make your life better and open up new possibilities? Which one of these principles sounds like something doable to you? (When facing a number of changes, it’s often a good idea to build your confidence by tackling the one that seems the one you can do with the highest probability of success.) Which area are you drawn to? Which feels like a good pain that is beckoning to be eased?

Rate each area’s importance to you (out of 10) and your confidence in being successful (out of 10)—start with the area that has the highest score and, even better, a score of at least 6 on both ratings.

Let’s say you’ve had a problem staying with one thing—a project at work or even a book you’re trying to read. Then learning how to “sustain focus” might rate a high score. Or perhaps you purchased this book because your spouse has pointed out your inability to stop what you’re doing and attend to something else without getting flustered. Maybe you’ve noticed that you get angry and frustrated and curse or bang on the computer keyboard whenever unwanted e-mails pop up, distracting you from what you’re doing, and you’re not sure whether to jump off what you’re doing and address the e-mails or finish the task at hand. A smashed keyboard would certainly suggest a 10!

IGNITE YOUR MOTIVATION—THE JET FUEL FOR THE CHANGE JOURNEY

Your motivation is the jet fuel for the journey of change—the hotter it burns, the more likely it will get you through unavoidable and unpredictable setbacks, moments of doubt and any other stuff that pops up to throw you off course. So let’s find something really flammable! Is there something in your life that’s important to you that’s being affected by your relative inability to focus the way you want to, your distraction or your sense of being overwhelmed by all the stimuli and messages competing for your attention?

Spend a little time digging down to the biggest benefit of getting more organized. Not one imposed by anyone else (like hanging onto your expensive glasses) but something that you get fired up about. Remember some of the statistics we presented earlier about the problems associated with distraction and disorganization: this could very well be causing sufficient stress that it might be affecting your health. Your job performance could be suffering. Or you could feel that you’re spinning your wheels, not getting ahead in school, career or life. It could also be affecting your family life.

The best motivator is to connect the change to a higher purpose (something that hits you in the gut or brings tears to your eyes); how it will help you do the things that make you thrive, realize your life’s purpose or legacy, or make a difference in your world.

Expand your motivator into a vision statement, such as:

I will improve my relationship with my children if I am better able to tame the frenzy and focus mindfully on our conversations.

I will appreciate the good things in my life more fully if I’m not distracted by the stressful “noise” in my environment.

I will be more creative and have better judgment if I detach myself from the hubbub of daily life.

I will get more done and feel better about how much I accomplish if I am not diverted and distracted.

Your motivation is truly the jet fuel for the change journey, both in the early phase as you build new fledgling connections and paths in your brain and later to keep you on track with new habits. If your motivational tank is low on fuel, you’re not likely to be successful.

MAKE SURE THAT THE PROS OUTWEIGH THE CONS

You may have one really compelling reason to change the behaviors that are contributing to your continual sense of disorganization, distraction and loss of course—or you may have several. But the reasons not to change, at least right now, may win out. Or while you may decide to push forward, you could quickly find yourself back on the fence with second thoughts, weighing whether “to do or not to do.” Psychologists call this a decisional balance. If you find yourself in such a mind-set, list the reasons to change in one column and reasons not to change in another. Even better, find someone to orally do this exercise with you. If the reasons to change clearly win, then you are ready to move forward.

No judgment allowed—if you feel badly about the reasons for not making the change and staying the same, let it go. You can’t easily move forward with a rain cloud from the past following you around, even on sunny days. From time to time we all face deeper issues that hold us back, undigested life issues or unhealed pain. You need to heal old wounds or get a new perspective on life issues with a therapist or other program designed for that purpose.

BUILD CONFIDENCE TO MEET CHALLENGES

There will always be reasons to do nothing and to talk yourself out of making changes and meeting challenges. Getting your life better organized sounds like a lot of work. It’s not the right time, you’re too busy, it’s football season, it’s your son’s graduation or your wedding or whatever. While there are periods in your life that may not be best suited for making major changes, doubting yourself as to the timing, whether justified or just a convenient excuse, will eat away at your confidence in your ability to change. Ask yourself on a scale of 1–10: “How confident am I that I will be successful in overcoming my challenge and making this change?” If your score is below a 7 then you should first spend a little time thinking through ways to handle your challenges. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

Make sure that you think you can.

Sometimes it’s as simple as scaling back the goal a little so that it moves from “I’m really anxious about whether I can really do this” to “Absolutely!” Sometimes you need to shorten your horizon: take it one day, even one hour at a time.

Or you may discover that you need to learn a new skill and gain knowledge first because you’re about to do something you’ve never done.

Set small first steps, and don’t worry about how long it takes to make them. The race to long-lasting change is usually won by those who take time to build the foundation needed for new habits to last.

ADOPT THE MIND-SET OF A SCIENTIST

As much as we would all love a quick fix or shortcut and avoid a lot of experimentation, there is no one else quite like you. Someone else’s prescription probably won’t get you to the finish line. That’s why our approach in this book is highly individualized. Here, you get options, you get choices and you get to pick what works best for you. Sure, we have some evidence-based principles to offer you; yes, I’m going to give you the information, techniques and approaches that I know can work, but just how they will work best for you, to what degree and how you’ll integrate them into your day-to-day life…well, that’s going to be up to you.

We’ll talk quite a bit about the science of the brain and how it can help you. So get into the mind-set of a scientist. Be ready to do a few experiments, observe the outcomes carefully, think back to past experiences that might be revealing and decide which habits fit you best now, based on the results. Don’t worry, I’ll help. I’m here giving you some suggestions and guidelines and a framework to help you make these changes, but ultimately it’s your experiment, and you’re the one best suited to judge the results.

CALL IN YOUR STRENGTHS

Another way to cultivate confidence is to bring your strengths and talents to the table. It’s very easy to forget what you’re good at when you’re swimming upstream. While your desk may be a mess, your kitchen pantry may be well organized. While you may feel unfocused and unable to stay on top of things, you may be quite capable of helping your colleagues organize their projects. Or you may be known as tenacious, as someone who doesn’t give up, who’s determined to close the deal, find the item you’re looking for and reach the finish line of the race. Or you’re creative and you have a knack for finding new ways to do things.

By the time we are adults, only one-third of us have a pretty clear idea of where our strengths and talents lie. We are typically much better at naming our deficiencies. If you want to learn more about your strong points, complete the Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment (www.strengthsfinder.com) or do the VIA (Values in Action) Survey of Character at www.viacharacter.org. You can also ask your family members or colleagues what they think are your strengths.

The important thing to understand is that whatever realm they lie in, with a little digging you will find that you do have strengths, talents and abilities. And those strengths can be used to improve or overcome those areas in life where you are not as strong.

FOSTER POSITIVITY

Barbara Fredrickson, an author and inspirational leader in the emerging field of positive psychology, has taught us that you need to be at or above the tipping-point ratio of at least 3:1 of positive emotions to negative emotions for your brain to function at its best. In other words, you need a 75/25 percent positive energy ratio to succeed.

This isn’t just facile “put on a happy face” stuff. It’s hard to be positive all the time. Some days, it may be hard to feel positive at all. But while negative emotions are good teachers, you can’t change if your thinking and energy are impaired by too many negative emotions. Fredrickson has also taught us that positive emotions are the active ingredient enabling “resilience.” This is that wonderful quality we so admire in children. It’s caused by responding positively to adversity and is necessary for change. It’s inevitable that you will fall back from time to time. In fact, if you don’t bump into setbacks you’re probably not going to make lasting change. But try to see these challenges as teachers and friends: welcome them and appreciate them and they will serve you well.

Here are some ways to “reframe” your emotions and accentuate the positive. One way is to make peace with the past. Negativity in one area (for example, not forgiving yourself or someone else for something that happened) can follow you around like a dark cloud that overshadows the otherwise positive aspects of your life and disposition. It’s particularly important to let go of the past as it relates to the area you’re working on. If you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your past behavior and performance, the negative feelings will act like brakes on your forward motion. If it was an embarrassing or damaging incident that prompted you to pick up this book—whether losing your keys again or losing a job because distractions got in the way of performance—well, you need to put it behind you, starting right now. The past is the past. What’s done is done. Time now to take the lessons of what happened; apply them to tppen and develop a fresh, open and positive outlook toward the future. Here’s a little pep talk I give to my clients who are stuck on mistakes they’ve made in the past. If need be, you can use this “mistake mantra” to absolve yourself:

I forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I’m not perfect—no one is—and I’m committed to learning and getting better. In fact, the past experience is my wise teacher, and I will apply the lessons well.

Enough with the mistakes. Fredrickson has identified the most common positive emotions. Here are some you can work on:

 Cultivate curiosity about and interest in the challenge of change.

 Seek inspiration from others who have been successful.

 Be grateful for something, anything.

 Savor small moments on the journey.

 Enjoy the pride of doing something well—appreciate even small steps forward.

 Celebrate early wins. It’s very easy to ruminate on the negative. It’s less familiar to focus on the positive.

 Have fun. Making positive changes in your life can be extremely enjoyable. We don’t mean to make this sound like a lark; it’s not and your reasons for wanting to get yourself “together” may be serious. That doesn’t mean you can’t discover joy in the process of changing. In fact, you probably will!

BUILD A SUPPORT TEAM

It’s hard to change when your environment is working against you. A chaotic or noisy desk or office can be highly distracting. Or your spouse may be raining negativity on your time together. What can you do?

 Engineer support: Clean your desk or office. Ask your spouse to suspend the critique and say affirmative things for the next ninety days (after that it may become a habit!).

 Tell a friend or two that you’re working on making some changes and ask them for support, via regular phone check-ins or e-mail reminders. Find a buddy with similar issues and work on your vision and goals together and meet regularly for mutual support.

 Celebrate progress together for more reinforcement. That could be with a spouse or a close friend. Ask your children to help and encourage you, perhaps by cleaning common areas of the house so you’re not distracted. It’s so much easier to change when you’ve got a team cheering you on!

CREATE A VISION FOR CHANGE

Creating a clear vision of your ideal destination is an important early and ongoing step for your journey. Neuroscientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have shown that when people reflect frequently on what their positive future selves will look like, they are more likely to make choices in their long-term interest rather than shortsighted ones.

Who do you want to be? What do you want your life to be like? What’s the best thing that will happen when you’re more organized? Let’s answer those questions.

The first step is to accurately understand where you are now. Self-awareness is a necessary precondition for change, and so your first step is to explore what’s working and what’s not working when it comes to the state of your organization at home and work. Reflect on where you are right now, and look at it honestly. Get real but don’t beat yourself up. Appreciate that the past is your friend and focus on how it helps you go from here.

To help you figure out where you are, here are a few questions that allow you to put a number to something that isn’t easy to quantify—where you are now and where you want to end.

Now you have a better sense of where you are, where you want to get to (your target) and how far that is from the current picture. From Dr. Hammerness’s chapter, you’ve also begun to understand some of the factors behind organization (and lack thereof), as well as the things you need to aspire to in order to change that. Now it’s time to create a vision, one that inspires you and one that makes you feel hopeful and optimistic. As your coach, I want to help walk you through this “vision creation” process, which is specific and clear and can be enormously effective. We do it through a series of questions that we call a Vision Grid.