A Daughter’s Sorrow

Anyway, there wasn’t much chance of my getting married, I didn’t have time to go courting.

Tommy’s cough was getting worse again. I wrapped a scarf I’d knitted around his neck as I sent him off to school.

‘Don’t stand about in the cold wind,’ I told him. ‘And ask Father Brannigan if you can stay in at break. Tell him I told you to ask.’

‘I’m all right,’ Tommy said, but he looked pale and he’d been awake half the night with his cough. ‘Can we visit Lainie tomorrow?’

‘Yes, I should think so. I spoke to Mrs Macpherson as I was walking home last night from the brewery. She said she was expecting us and I was to be sure to bring you, as she would have a special treat for you.’

Tommy’s face lit up and he gave me a quick hug, then ran off to call for Billy Ryan. Mam was still in her room; she’d grumbled about having a headache and told me to cook the lodger’s breakfast when I’d gone to call her earlier. I was still at the sink washing the dishes when Maggie Ryan opened the door and asked if she could come in.

‘O’ course you can.’ I dried my hands on a bit of towel. ‘I’ve done now, but I’ve time for a cuppa before I go to work if you fancy one? I could take one up to Mam – she’s feeling a bit under the weather the mornin’.’

‘Don’t you bother for me, Bridget love,’ Maggie said. She hesitated uncertainly for a moment. ‘It was your Tommy I came about, Bridget. He’s been after coughin’ again all night. Tell me to mind my own business if you like, but shouldn’t you be thinkin’ of takin’ him to the doctor?’

‘Do you think I ought, Maggie?’ Her words had echoed thoughts I had been trying to keep at bay. ‘Does he seem poorly to you? I asked Mam but she said it was just a chill, told me she’d no money to waste on visits to doctors.’

‘I’ve been wondering if I should tell you,’ Maggie said and again she was hesitant. ‘Our Billy says he was coughin’ up blood the other day in the playground.’

‘Blood? Maggie, no! Do you think he’s got …’

I couldn’t bring myself to say the word. Consumption was such a terrible illness. Children in the slum areas caught all kinds of nasty diseases, such as rickets and worms and a hundred and one other things, but consumption was contagious and they usually sent people in the final stages to the isolation infirmary, which was a horrible place.

‘Ah, don’t take on so, Bridget. Mick said as I shouldn’t say anything – you’ve troubles enough so you have – but it’s been on my mind.’

‘I’m glad you told me. I shall have to speak to Lainie – see what she thinks. We’re visiting her tomorrow. Tommy is looking forward to it.’

I glanced up at the ceiling as I heard a thumping noise upstairs. ‘It sounds as though Mam’s getting up. She had a headache this mornin’. Are you sure you won’t stay for a cup of tea, Maggie?’

‘No, I’m off to the market.’ She paused, then: ‘If there’s anythin’ I can do at any time, Bridget. I know it must be hard for you … the way things are with your mam.’

‘Thank you, Maggie. I shall have to run now or I’ll be late for work.’

‘I’ll call upstairs to your mam,’ Maggie said. ‘You get off, love. You’re in more of a hurry than me.’

‘Bless you, Maggie.’

I grabbed my shawl from the hook behind the door. Mrs Dawson had been quite sharp with me recently. She wouldn’t be happy if I was late again.

As I hurried through the lane to the brewery, my thoughts were with my brother. What would happen to Tommy if he had consumption? I knew that sometimes people went away to places where the air was better to get over it, but that was bound to cost money. We couldn’t afford to send Tommy to the mountains for a cure in some fancy hospital in Switzerland. Even the cost of a visit to the doctor was going to stretch my slim resources, but somehow I would find the money.

I thought of Tommy’s pale face as I’d sent him off to school that morning, and my heart caught with pain. What would I do if anything happened to him?

Lainie was looking pleased with herself when I saw her that Saturday afternoon. I asked if she’d heard from Hans, but she shook her head, a little smile on her mouth.

‘Why are you smiling like the cat that got the cream then?’

‘Am I?’ She touched something at her throat and I saw that she was wearing a heavy gold cross and chain. ‘I wonder why …’

‘Where did you get that? I’ve never seen you wear it before.’

‘A friend gave it to me …’ She laughed huskily, a sly look in her eyes. ‘Don’t look at me like that, Bridget. It was a gift, that’s all. I didn’t do anything for it – nothing wrong anyway.’

‘What will Hans say if he sees you wearing it?’

‘I can’t help it if men find me attractive,’ she said, looking sulky. ‘Hans said he would be back before now. If he’d come when he promised I wouldn’t have met … someone else.’

‘I thought you said you loved Hans?’

‘I do … in a way,’ she said and there was guilt in her eyes. ‘But … this other person … well, he treats me as if I were special.’

‘Hans wants to marry you,’ I reminded her.

‘I shall marry him when he comes back,’ she said, sounding cross. ‘I’m just having a little fun, Bridget. Besides, what has it got to do with you? You’re not my keeper. You’re nearly as bad as Mam.’

‘If that’s the way you feel I might as well go …’ I got up to leave but she caught at my hand.

‘Ah no,’ she said, giving me a shamefaced look. ‘Don’t go, me darlin’. I don’t want to quarrel with you.’

‘No, we shan’t quarrel over it,’ I said and sat down again. ‘But be careful, Lainie. You’ve always told me that Hans was a good man. Don’t throw his love away for a necklace.’

She smiled and tucked the cross inside her dress and I knew she wasn’t listening. ‘Forget it,’ she said. ‘I shall probably never see the other one again …’ She frowned as she heard Tommy coughing. ‘He doesn’t seem to get any better.’

‘Maggie said her Billy saw him coughing up blood in the playground.’

‘Oh, Bridget! You’d better take him to the doctor. Here –’ she felt in her pocket and brought out three florins – ‘this should cover a visit, but send word if you need more and I’ll get some for you.’

‘Are you sure? Will it leave you short?’

‘I can manage. Tommy is the important one. You take him to the doctor, but don’t let Mam take that money off you. She’ll only spend it on the drink.’

‘I know …’ I sighed. ‘Every morning she says she’s got the headache. She doesn’t get out of bed until I go to work and she hardly lifts a finger in the house.’

‘You mean she lets you do everything? She’s a lazy slut, Bridget. It would serve her right if you upped and left her.’

‘I sometimes wish I could walk out like you did,’ I said. ‘But there’s no sense in wishing for the moon. Tommy and me couldn’t manage on our own – not until I’m earning more.’

Lainie nodded, a brief flash of guilt passing across her face. ‘I know what I promised, Bridget, and as soon as Hans comes I’ll talk to him. I can’t understand why he hasn’t come before this. He’s usually only gone for two to three weeks.’

‘Perhaps the ship was delayed.’

‘Yes, that’s probably it. They’ve had to wait for a cargo.’

‘What about this other feller – you aren’t serious about him?’

‘O’ course not, darlin’. He was just passin’ the time o’ day, and he gave me a cross because I happened to say I’d always wanted a nice one. He’s a nice man, Bridget, and always polite. It made me think about another kind of life, away from the docks and all this, but I’ll settle for Hans. Don’t you worry …’

Lainie had told me not to worry about her, but I’d seen the sparkle in her eyes when she’d shown me the gold cross and chain, and I knew she was more taken with this other man than she would admit. I hoped she wouldn’t be foolish over him – whoever he was – and not just because Lainie was my only hope of getting away from Mam.

I fingered the three florins in my pocket, thinking about where best to hide them. If Mam found them she wouldn’t hesitate to take them for herself and I needed them for Tommy.

‘And how are you this afternoon, Bridget?’

I was startled by the question, and turned round to see Fred Pearce just behind me. For once he wasn’t trundling his old cart, which was why I hadn’t been aware of his approach. Fred was usually to be seen collecting what other people left as rubbish in the streets, old bottles that he took back to the brewery for a few pence a load and other things he discovered on rubbish tips. The kids laughed and threw horse dung at him when they saw him, and most people turned the other way when he spoke to them, thinking him a dirty old tramp, but I had always found Fred pleasant to talk to. Sometimes he looked sad when we met, but he usually brightened up once we’d had a chat.

‘I’m all right, thank you,’ I said. ‘How are you, Mr Pearce?’

‘Well enough,’ he said and frowned as Tommy started coughing. ‘That’s a nasty cough, lad.’ He felt in his pocket and came out with two pennies, which he handed to Tommy. ‘Get yourself some sweets …’

‘Thanks, Mr Pearce …’

Tommy ran off towards the shop at the corner of our lane and I looked at the old man. ‘That was kind of you,’ I said, knowing that he worked hard for the coppers he earned from the brewery and the rag and bone yard. ‘He’s been coughing for a while now. I’m going to take him to the doctor this week, but he doesn’t know yet. He won’t like it much.’

‘You take him just the same,’ Fred said. ‘I don’t like the sound of that cough. You look after him, Bridget … before it’s too late.’

‘Yes, I will,’ I said and watched as he shuffled off down the lane.

Fred Pearce was a mystery. No one seemed to know much about him, except that he lived in a detached house right at the end of our lane. He seldom opened the door to anyone, but Maude Brown, who lived opposite, said it was like a junkyard inside. I had sometimes wondered how he managed alone, but he was fiercely independent and would never accept help from anyone, preferring to keep himself to himself.

I remembered that the man who had come to my rescue the night I was attacked by Harry Wright had said he was visiting Fred Pearce … and that was odd in itself. I hadn’t thought Fred encouraged visitors and Joe Robinson hadn’t been from around here. At least, I hadn’t seen him before or since that night, so I supposed he had come from away somewhere.

My mind returned to my own worries. I didn’t know what to do about Mam’s deterioration, which I believed was to do with her drinking, and now I had Tommy to think about – and that was much worse.

‘And where would you be getting money for doctor’s visits?’ Mam lunged at me, trying to grab me, but I dodged back, avoiding her and the blow I knew was coming. ‘If you’ve been down the docks with a man I’ll flay the skin off your back!’

‘Don’t be daft, Mam. I told Lainie Tommy was coughing up blood and she gave me some money.’

‘And we all know where that little tramp gets her money. She’s a slut and a whore,’ Mam said and grunted as she flopped down in her chair by the stove, clearly out of breath. She rubbed at her chest as though it hurt. ‘She’ll come to a bad end, your sister.’

‘Lainie earns her money working for Mrs Macpherson. Why do you say those things about her?’

‘I thought she was getting married? What’s happened to that feller she was after marryin’?’

‘Hans is still away. It’s a longer voyage this time. He’ll marry her when he gets home.’

‘That remains to be seen.’ Mam rubbed at her chest. ‘So what did the doctor say then?’

‘I’ve got to take Tommy back next week.’

‘And what’s that going to cost? I’ve trouble enough making ends meet as it is without paying for doctors.’

‘Lainie said she’ll give me the money.’ Mam rubbed at her chest again. ‘What’s wrong, Mam? Have you got a pain in your chest?’

‘It’s all the worry of you and your brother,’ she muttered. ‘I’ve warned you, Bridget O’Rourke, you’ll be the death of me yet. What if your brother turns out to have the consumption? Have you thought about that? They’ll likely want to send him away – where will Lainie get the money for that? You should’ve left things as they were. Tommy will get over it—’

‘Or he’ll just get worse and die. Is that what you’re thinking, Mam?’ I noticed the fine red lines about her nose and a certain puffiness in her face. She was changing fast and it had to be the drinking that was dragging her down. ‘Well, I’m not going to let that happen without a fight. I care about him even if you don’t.’

‘You little bitch!’ She clawed up out of her chair suddenly and launched herself at me in a fury. Taken by surprise, I didn’t move fast enough and she punched me hard in the face, splitting my lip and sending me crashing back against the stove. I knocked my arm on the kettle and felt the sting of hot water as it spilled on to my hand. ‘I’ll teach you to criticize me …’

‘Stop it, Mrs O’Rourke!’ The shocked voice from the doorway halted her as she was about to launch herself at me again. ‘That is enough! Can’t you see Bridget is hurt?’

‘It was her own fault,’ Mam muttered and slumped down in her chair again. ‘Ah, but she’s a hard girl that daughter of mine, Mr Phillips. You don’t know how she talks to her poor old mother.’ Tears of self-pity were filling her eyes. ‘She’s no feelings for me at all.’

Mr Phillips shot her a look of disgust. ‘Was that water boiling, Bridget?’ he asked. ‘Let me look at it for you.’

‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘It was just the shock. I’ll put some cold water on it.’

‘You should rub a little grease on it afterwards,’ he advised, ‘and bind it up with a bit of clean linen. And look, your lip is bleeding.’

‘Don’t worry, it will be all right,’ I said. ‘Was there something you wanted, Mr Phillips?’

‘No, no, it doesn’t matter,’ he said. ‘I was meaning to talk to Mrs O’Rourke but it will keep.’ He turned and went out of the kitchen with a glance of disgust for Mam.

She started on at me the minute she heard the front door shut behind him. ‘If he leaves we shall end up in the workhouse,’ she said and glared at me. ‘And it will be all your fault, Bridget.’

I was at the sink, plunging my hand in a bowl of cold water. The sting was beginning to go and I realized that I had been lucky – the water in the kettle had been hot but not at boiling point. I turned to look at her as I dried my hand.

‘I do my best to help you, Mam,’ I said. ‘But Tommy comes first with me. I don’t care what you do or say to me, but the minute you lay a finger on him we’ll be out of this house and you can manage for yourself.’

‘Get yourself out of my sight. Find yourself some work to do.’

‘I never stop working,’ I said as rebellion flared. ‘I’m going next door to talk to Maggie.’

‘You come back here! You’ll feel the back of me hand, girl!’

I ignored her and went out without speaking again. As I emerged into the street I saw Fred Pearce trundling by with his cart. He smiled and waved at me. I waved back, holding on to the tears that threatened to overcome me.

It was a freezing cold night and there was only just over a week to Christmas now, but it would be much the same as any other day in our house. I had been saving a few pence to buy something for Tommy, but I wanted to make it special for him. Especially if it … The emotion rose up in my throat to choke me. I leaned against the wall outside Maggie’s house, weeping.

‘What’s wrong, lass?’ I hadn’t noticed Ernie Cole approaching, but as I glanced up I saw that he was offering me a red spotted handkerchief. ‘Go on, it’s clean,’ he said, giving me an uncertain look. ‘Ma washed and ironed it this mornin’.’

‘Thank you.’ I accepted it gratefully and blew my nose, gulping hard to stop myself crying. I gave him a watery smile. ‘It’s not clean now. I’d better keep it and wash it before I give it back to you.’

‘You do whatever yer want, Bridget,’ he said. ‘Ma will ring a peal over me ’ead for losin’ it, but I’ll keep me mouth shut. Is there somethin’ I can do to ’elp yer?’

His kindness and his broad cockney accent were comforting, as was the look of concern on his face. ‘There’s nothing you can do,’ I told him. ‘Tommy might be very ill – he might have to go away for a long time.’

‘I’d ’eard somethin’,’ Ernie said and looked sympathetic. ‘You mustn’t give up, Bridget. If ’e’s lucky he might get better at one of them places what they send ’em to sometimes.’

‘If he’s lucky. With our luck they’ll stick him in the infirmary and he’ll be dead within a year.’

The expression in Ernie’s eyes told me that that was his own true opinion. He took a step towards me. I moved back as he reached out for me, a thrill of fear shooting through me as I recalled the night Harry Wright had tried to rape me.

‘Don’t you dare touch me, Ernie Cole!’

The sharpness of my voice startled him. He looked surprised and then a little offended. ‘I wouldn’t hurt you,’ he said. ‘Surely you know that, Bridget? I’d cut off my right arm before I did wrong to you.’

‘I know …’ I hesitated, wanting to tell him I was sorry I had spoken so harshly, to explain what had been in my mind, but it was too shaming. ‘I am sorry, Ernie. I didn’t mean to offend you. Please leave me alone now. I have to see Maggie …’

I turned away in a fluster of embarrassment, wondering why it had disturbed me to see that hurt look in his eyes. I wasn’t going soft on him; I didn’t have time to think of courting anyone.

Four

Maggie welcomed me warmly into her kitchen. It was no bigger than ours, but it always smelt of good things. She looked at me and tutted as she saw the dried blood on my lip.

‘I suppose I don’t need to ask how that happened. Martha been up to her usual tricks, has she?’

‘We had an argument over Tommy. I wasn’t quick enough at getting out of the way.’

Maggie looked savage and I knew she would have liked to have a go at Mam but didn’t want to make things worse for me. ‘I’ll make a brew. Sit yourself down and tell me what’s on your mind, love.’

‘Mam says we can’t afford to send Tommy away if he’s got the consumption. I don’t know what to do, Maggie. If he needs treatment …?’

‘Sure and wouldn’t that be the best thing for the darlin’ boy? It might do him the world of good if they sent him to one of them seaside places. The air will clean his lungs, so it will.’

‘We couldn’t afford to send him somewhere like that,’ I said. ‘He will probably finish up in the infirmary – and you know what that’s like.’ My throat felt tight as I blinked back my tears once more. ‘I can’t bear to think of him in there but I don’t want to lose him, Maggie …’

‘Ah, don’t take on so, love,’ Maggie said. ‘There’s something I heard that might help your Tommy.’

‘I could do with some help,’ I said, and blew my nose on Ernie’s handkerchief. ‘It’s daft to get myself in a state but I can’t help it, Maggie. I keep thinking about it all the time.’

‘I know what you mean. I should feel just the same if it were our Billy – or the other boys, though they’re grown up now with families of their own.’ Maggie hesitated. ‘I haven’t said anythin’ before because it’s charity and I know how you feel about that, but this is the church, Bridget. Father O’Brien sent one of the boys from Billy’s class at school to this place a few weeks ago. You don’t pay anythin’ unless you’ve got the money. It’s near the sea somewhere …’

I stared at her in silence for a few moments, my stomach churning. I wanted to say that I wouldn’t take charity but I knew I couldn’t. Charity was a dirty word in my book, but if the Catholic Church ran this one I might just be able to accept it.

‘I shall have to talk to Dr Morris. If he says Tommy has to go away to get better, I’ll speak to Father O’Brien.’

‘Tell you what. I’ve been doin’ a bit o’ sewin’ for Father O’Brien’s housekeeper. I’m takin’ it back tomorrow afternoon. I’ll ask to see him and find out a bit more about it.’

‘You’re a good friend, Maggie. You make me feel so much better.’

‘That’s what friends are for, me darlin’.’ She poured me a cup of tea. ‘Now drink that up if you can manage it, and then I’ll bathe that lip for you.’

‘Could you wrap a bandage round my hand?’ I said. ‘I spilt some hot water on it and it feels a bit sore.’

‘More of Martha’s doing?’ She frowned as she saw the red patch on the back of my hand. ‘She’s a wicked woman that mother of yours. I’m tempted to give her a piece of me mind, so I am.’

‘She’s not wicked, Maggie,’ I said. ‘Just selfish and bitter. I wish I knew why she was like it, then I might be able to feel some sympathy for her.’

‘Don’t waste your pity on her,’ Maggie said. ‘It’s you and Tommy I bother about, not Martha.’

‘I’m all right,’ I said. ‘I was just a bit upset over Tommy, that’s all. I can put up with Mam and her temper as long as he’s all right.’

‘Don’t you worry about him,’ Maggie said, trying to cheer me up. ‘It will be like a holiday for him, so it will.’

‘He would like to visit the seaside,’ I agreed. ‘He’s never been. Da took Jamie, Lainie and me once years ago – to Southend in a charabanc, but Tommy hasn’t ever seen the sea.’

‘Well, this might be a chance for him,’ Maggie said. ‘You’ll see, love. It might all turn out for the best.’

I knew she was just trying to lift my spirits and I smiled to please her, but the growing certainty that my little brother was very ill was like a lump of stone in my breast.

I decided that I would try to see Lainie the next day, even if it meant taking half an hour off work. I wanted to tell my sister that Tommy might have to go away. Even if the charity paid the costs of his treatment he was going to need a few things.

Mrs Dawson frowned when she heard me asking for time off.

‘You are being very thoughtless,’ she said after her husband had told me it was all right as long as I was quick and didn’t make a habit of it. ‘You’ve been late a couple of times recently. You should be working extra time not less.’

‘I’m sorry. I’ll stay behind tomorrow to catch up, if you like.’

‘And so I should think!’

‘It’s all right, Bridget,’ Mr Dawson said. ‘Just don’t make it a regular thing.’

‘No, sir. I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused.’

I left work the moment Mr Dawson said it was all right and ran all the way to the Sailor’s Rest. By the time I got there I was out of breath and my chest hurt.

Mrs Macpherson was behind the counter in the lobby when I went in. A seaman was settling his account and I waited until she had finished serving him before approaching her.

‘May I please see Lainie for a few minutes? I promise I won’t stop her working. I have to get back myself—’

‘I’m afraid you can’t,’ she interrupted, looking annoyed.

‘I’ve got time off work specially. It’s very important, Mrs Macpherson.’

‘I dare say it is,’ she said, a sharp note in her voice, ‘but you can’t see her because she isn’t here. She took her things and left this morning.’

‘Where did she go? Did Hans come for her?’

‘Not to my knowledge. She didn’t say where she was going. She told me she’d had a better offer and went, just like that. It didn’t matter that I would be one short in my staff, but that’s your sister all over. I’m disappointed in her, Bridget. It’s my opinion she went off with a man.’ Her mouth had gone thin and hard, her eyes cold.

‘But who? She was going to marry Hans … She cared for Hans. I know she did … Why would she go off just like that with someone else?’

‘Perhaps she had big ideas all of a sudden. Don’t ask me what your sister had in mind – and don’t ask any more questions. I’ve too much work to do to stand gossiping to you!’

She turned her back on me and went through to her office, leaving me to stare after her in bewilderment. Bridie was very angry and I sensed that there was more to it than simply being let down by a girl who worked for her.

Lainie’s sudden disappearance left me concerned as to how I would pay for my next visit to the doctor, but when I went back there just three days before Christmas he told me I wasn’t to worry.