Protect and Serve

Every member of Mount Zion must have brought a dish over to Big Mama’s house after the funeral and interment. And they were all there, milling around, making small talk and sharing memories.

Penny wanted them all to leave, so she could go out into the backyard, sit on the bench under the big oak tree and pretend none of it was happening. She forced smiles and made chitchat, because Big Mama had raised her to be polite. Because of Big Mama, she tried to hold it together.

She could be strong this time. She could prevail over loss this time, especially when she had nothing else to lose. Penny wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes for a moment in an effort to push her thoughts back. She couldn’t allow herself to dredge up past losses, not if she wanted to make it through the rest of the day.

She let good times fill her mind.

Being back in Big Mama’s little yellow and white house on Warren Street brought back all kinds of memories. Memories of roller-skating around the corner and having to come in before the streetlights came on. Memories of playing kickball and tag in the PS School #10 playground. Memories of buying a twenty-five-cent grape juice, a bag of barbecue potato chips, a fat pickle and a couple of packs of Now and Laters from the Puerto Rican–owned bodega on the corner and thinking she had the makings of a queen’s meal at her disposal.

Most of all, she had memories of feeling safe and secure.

Standing there in the house she had grown up in, knowing the woman who had loved her and raised her was dead, felt as if someone had pulled the floor out from under her and she was balanced on one beam with a huge black hole waiting to engulf her. It felt as if she stood on the perilous edge of a steep cliff in a pair of stilettos after having one too many mojitos. But at least she was still standing, still balancing. She hadn’t caved yet. Big Mama would have been proud of the way she was holding it together.

How did people make it after losing the person who had always been their rock, their advice giver, the person who helped them make a way to the light when darkness threatened? Big Mama had been all those things to Penny, and more. There had never been a time when Big Mama didn’t have advice for Penny’s life, wanted or not.

She remembered when she was twelve and Big Mama sat her under the tree to explain the changes happening to her preteen body and just a little bit about the birds and the bees. Big Mama had been somewhat vague when it came to some parts of the talk. But she had always been the voice of strength and reason, even when Penny messed up and got pregnant at seventeen.

Big Mama was really gone.

In a week or so, Penny would be gone, too. She hated the fact that she’d probably never again see the small three-bedroom, one-bathroom house her grandmother had worked so hard to keep after the grandfather Penny had never had the pleasure of knowing died.

As soon as she settled Big Mama’s affairs, she’d say goodbye to Paterson, New Jersey, for good.

But could she really say goodbye to North Jersey forever?

She couldn’t believe she’d been away for so long. She missed home more than she’d let herself believe. There was really nothing like North Jersey. From the tenements to the fact that you could literally go one block and be in another town—a town that often felt like a different world, North Jersey offered a packed and condensed mix of flavors and cultures different from the equally diverse but much more spread-out and free-flowing Los Angeles she now called home.

Penny was surprised by how she’d gotten back into the flow of Paterson in under a week. The brothers playing c-lo on the corner, the sisters on the stoops gossiping and people watching, the kids running their little behinds in the street, dangerously close to being run over by a car, the storefront churches on just about every block, right next to the liquor stores, the feeling, the flavor, all called out to a part of her she’d thought was gone.

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t take Jersey out of the girl.

Penny shook her head.

“Brat, you gonna be leaving for California soon, huh?”

Penny jumped and her reverie ended at the sound of Carla’s voice. She made a mental note not to let her mother get to her. But some things were a whole lot easier in theory.

She didn’t need therapy to know that her unresolved issues and textbook abandonment fears all stemmed from the petite, honey-complexioned woman standing in front of her, drinking grape soda as if it were the finest wine.

Penny noted that Carla had taken to calling her by the childhood “endearment” she’d used whenever Big Mama wasn’t around. She couldn’t remember exactly when it went from shut-up-brat, get-out-of-here-brat, you-make-me-sick-you-little-brat, to just Brat, said in a weird, almost loving way. She only knew it was the name her mother called her by.

Gritting her teeth and counting to ten, Penny responded, “Yes, Carla. I have to go back. I have a business to get back to. The most I can stay is a week or two.”

Penny ran an image-consulting firm with her friend Maritza Morales. They were both former video models/dancers, and they’d met on a rap video shoot about twelve years ago. They’d found they were both working their way through school and had developed a friendship. Since Penny had only ever had guy friends, developing a close friendship with a woman had been a challenge. Maritza had had a similar history, since she’d grown up as the only girl in a family of brothers. But they’d worked at their friendship, and it had grown.

Their business, New Images by Keys and Morales, was doing well. Maritza could more than pick up the slack for a little while, in order for Penny to handle her grandmother’s affairs. But it took the two of them and their six faithful employees to really make it a work. Even though Penny pretty much made her own hours, she still needed to do her part to make sure the business remained a success.

Panic crossed Carla’s face. “But I…Well, I…Well, what am I gonna do? I need somebody to…”

Even though years of hard living had taken a bit of a toll on Carla, she still had the good looks, fair skin, long, wavy black hair and petite but somewhat curvy body that most men found irresistible. She also had a vulnerable, childlike appeal that she seemed to be able to pull out when she needed it. If Penny hadn’t seen all the faces Carla worked like a pro—all her multiple personalities, as Penny liked to refer to them—she might have fallen victim to the sad, helpless puppy-dog expression Carla wore at the moment.

Penny knew better, however, and she refused to fall for it.

“Carla, you’re a grown woman. You’re going have to learn how to take care of yourself, eventually.” Penny started walking out of the food-filled dining room, thinking she’d miss Big Mama’s cherry stained furniture and her china cabinet full of knickknacks and family photos.

She knew she wouldn’t be taking any of it with her. Her memories would have to be enough.

Carla would need a place to stay, and since the house was paid for, she could stay here.

Penny only hoped her mother didn’t resort to doing drugs again and end up losing the house and everything in it. But that wasn’t her problem. She couldn’t be responsible for her grown mother.

She wouldn’t be responsible. She refused.

Carla stomped her foot and followed, walking so close she was almost on Penny’s behind.

“I do know how to take care of myself, Brat. I just…Well…with Mama gone now, I just don’t know if…” Carla gave a helpless shrug of her shoulders. “She was the only one who never gave up on me, and she was helping me to stay clean.”

Yet again.

How many times had Big Mama helped Carla get clean and straighten up? And what had given Carla the sense of entitlement that said the whole world had to cater to her needs? Penny couldn’t even fathom how a down-to-earth saint of a woman like Big Mama could have given birth to a self-absorbed person like Carla. She hated that she had to steel herself against Carla’s pleas, because it made her feel hard and cold. A small part of her wanted to help her mother.

However, given her past with Carla, she needed to protect herself. She couldn’t let Carla hurt her again. She wouldn’t be able to deal with it, on top of Big Mama’s death. She would topple over into the waiting black abyss for sure if she opened herself up to fall victim to her mother’s antics again.

“I can’t take Big Mama’s place, Carla. You’re going to have to do it on your own this time.” Feeling as if she was being too harsh didn’t stop Penny from holding her ground.

All those years growing up with a crack addict for a mother had made her toughen up. She had spent too much of her life trying to help Carla and waiting for the woman to get it together. All Penny had ever gotten for her trouble was a broken heart and being called Brat.

Stopping midway in the hall between the dining room and the formal living room, Penny let out a soft hiss and a curse when Carla stepped on the back of her foot.

“You wrong for that, Brat. You just won’t forgive. That’s always been your problem.” Carla rolled her eyes in disgust. “You can’t go through your life like that. That’s why you don’t have nobody special in your life now! Your heart’s hard and cold.”

Penny pursed her lips and slanted her right eye slightly.

Carla made it so easy not to want to help her.

This would normally be the time when Big Mama would cut in and tell them they needed to treat each other better and remind them of the importance of family. But Big Mama wasn’t here anymore. It was just the two of them.

Plastering a smile on her face, Penny started to back away. “Well, Carla…darling mother of mine…I suggest you start learning to toughen up. It’s a cold world out there, and you need to learn how to face it.”

Walking away from Carla proved to be easier than Penny thought it would be. She contemplated leaving for Los Angeles right after the last guest left the house. The fact that Carla could even fix her mouth to talk about help and forgiveness irritated Penny to no end.

“Forgive her, my behind. I can forgive. I already forgave her a million times.” Mumbling to herself as she made her way to the kitchen, Penny didn’t notice Jason until she walked right into him.

First Carla, now Jason! Lifting her head to the ceiling, she couldn’t help but think: What is it? You just don’t like me this week, do you? Is it because I haven’t been to church? If I go to service tomorrow, will you cut me some slack? Huh?

Jason’s strong arms embraced and held her. She felt a slight shiver travel its way across and through her body.

Yes, her traitorous body would still react to his touch, wouldn’t it? Because what else would be more fitting at a time like this than being smacked in the face with the fact that she’d ruined her relationship with the only man who’d ever completed her, mind, body and soul. Yeah. She needed reminding of how much she had loved Jason just as she dealt with the loss of her grandmother and with her crazy, recovering-addict mother. What else would make sure her balancing act crumbled? She took a deep breath and firmed her resolve.

“Sorry,” she muttered, trying not to look into his dark, brooding and still very sexy brown eyes. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.

“You can let me go now.” She tried to pull herself from his hold, but he maintained a grip on her.

“Can I?” Jason gave her a squinting, inquisitive gaze before dropping his arms to his side. “We need to talk, Penny.”

Urghhhhhh! Not today. I’m hanging on by a string here. Honest. Pleading with the universe for some leniency probably wouldn’t work, given her background, but maybe, just maybe, with Big Mama up in the heavens now, she could catch a break. Unless Big Mama was the one pulling the strings…Nah…

“Jason, it was really wonderful of you to come to both the wake and the funeral and pay your condolences. I appreciate it more than you know.” Or would even believe, given our history. “But we really don’t have anything left to talk about. We said everything we needed to say fifteen years ago. And I, for one, don’t feel much like revisiting the past.”

“Well, maybe I need to. I lost the two people that meant the world to me—the two people who I thought would never betray me. I think we have a lot to talk about.” With his jaw set in an angry and stilted manner, Jason appeared immovable.

“Not here. Not today. Please, Jason.” One day she might be able to revisit that moment in her life and try to right the wrongs, but Penny didn’t see it happening on the day she had buried her grandmother.

“So when, Penny? When?”

“Goodness, you’re being a real jerk right now! My grandmother just died!”

A shimmer of regret crossed Jason’s face for a moment and then, just as quickly, turned stony. “And fifteen years ago, a baby I believed was mine died, a baby we were going to raise together. And when that baby died, instead of mourning the loss with the love of my life, I got gut punched by being told that she was in love with the man I thought was my best friend! So forgive me if I still feel like I need to resolve some things and I’m not willing to give you the space to run until you manage to escape town again.”

The hot anger in his eyes burned her to her core. Her stomach started to jump until she could feel it in her throat. She knew without a doubt that she couldn’t deal with Jason now. She would never be able to maintain her facade when faced with his glare, which mixed hurt, anger, and betrayal.

At least fifteen years ago she’d had Terrill there to stand by her.

Terrill had been there through it all. She had hated having to use her best friend in such a manner. If she had it to do all over again, Terrill and Jason’s friendship would be the only thing she would change. She would make it so at least those two could remain friends. Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back and narrowed her eyes, summoning up indignation from somewhere, even though she felt like the person with the least right to any sort of self-righteous stance.

The fact still remained; she had just placed Big Mama in the ground. Jason just showed her once again that, when push came to shove, he really only cared about his own feelings, his own hurt.

She hurt, too. More than she could ever let him know.

“You need to leave, Jason. If you don’t leave, I’ll call your colleagues in blue and have them come and get you. I don’t think you want that. So, just continue to think of me as a whore, a slut, a heartless tramp…whatever you need to do to hold on to your bitterness and make you just stay away from me.”

…A backstabber and a slut…If I would have known you’d become such a slut, I would never have bothered with you in the first place…She could still hear Jason’s cracking voice, filled with tears and raw emotion, as he’d spat his venom at her and Terrill fifteen years ago. Three hearts had been irreparably damaged that evening, and it had all been her fault.

She walked away from him with her head held high. But, it was hard to maintain a dignified pose when she felt lower than a heel.

“You just won’t stop, will you? If you can’t cut Penny some slack on the day she buried Big Mama, then you need to leave.”

Terrill’s irritatingly calm and reasonable voice sent an angry chill through Jason’s nerves. And watching Penny strut away from him didn’t help the steady boiling in his guts.

Why had he even bothered to show up at the house after the interment? What was this sick, masochistic need he had to be in her presence, even when she had shown him exactly who she was?

He had work he could be doing, cases he could be investigating. He’d taken a few days off when he found out Penny was going to be in town. Now he didn’t know why he’d done it. What did he really hope to gain?

He had no idea. It wasn’t as if she wanted him around. He could be at the lab now working through the evidence on the newest addition to his cold-case files. He could be interviewing old witnesses to see if time had caused alliances to shift enough for friends or relatives to give up their knowledge about a crime.

A new case had just come up. A man accused of the murder of two community activists and all-around Good Samaritans over thirty years ago had gotten off based on DNA evidence. The real murderer was still out there. As part of the cold-case team, Jason should be out there finding the person who had killed the popular married couple, instead of running behind Penny and begging her to talk to him.

But something didn’t seem right. And this time he was determined to find out what it was.

“You need to mind your business, Terrill.”

“Penny is my friend. And you used to…” Terrill paused before hissing in disgust. “Jason, this just isn’t the time or the place. You should leave if you can’t see that.”

Jason could literally feel his shoulders rising and his chest bulking up with each word falling out of Terrill’s mouth. Spoiling for a fight, he taunted, “You gonna make me?”

Terrill shook his head and turned up his lips. “We’re grown men. I’m not going to resort to fisticuffs here.”

Pansy. Pretty boy. How did I ever hang out with this guy?

“Why? You scared I’ll kick your ass?” Jason leaned forward a little; the urge to give Terrill a physical shove was almost too compelling to hold back.

“No. I don’t want to give any more stress to Penny than she has at this time.”

“Well, aren’t you the perfect little boyfriend?”

“Just lay off, Jason,” Terrill hissed.

“Mind your business, Terrill.”

Carla came sneaking up on them. “You boys aren’t going to start fighting in here, are you?”

Terrill turned toward Penny’s mom and answered, “No. We aren’t.”

Jason felt Terrill might just be wrong about that. Because he needed very badly to lash out at someone, and from where he stood, Terrill, with his I’m-Mr.-Perfect aura, was the ideal candidate.

Turning to face Carla, Jason took a deep breath. Even though she had a thirty-three-year-old daughter, Carla was only forty-seven years old herself. In fact, the entire time he’d known Penny, they’d always thought of Carla as more of an older sister. She’d certainly never acted like a parent, especially not when she was hooked on drugs.

Looking at her now, Jason could see that all those years of addiction had caught up with her a little bit. While she was still a striking woman, she no longer possessed the wholesome beauty she’d had when she was younger. Her once soft looks had a hard and rough edge to them now. Her honey complexion had a dull yellow appearance in spots. Her naturally wavy hair was a tad brittle and had lost its shine. She had a lot of gray hairs mixed in with the black. Her eyes still held the same youthful, wholesome appeal, however. They danced and shimmered with mischief.

Carla opened her mouth in a wide grin, and it became apparent that one of her front teeth was badly chipped. That might have made less brazen women too shy to smile, but not Carla.

“I always wondered what Brat had that made the two of you follow her around like little puppies. Whatever it was, I guess she’s still got it. Ha!”

Knowing how much hearing the woman who gave birth to her call her Brat had hurt Penny, Jason felt a strange need to stand up for her that he quickly squelched. He wasn’t about to champion her cause. She had Terrill for that. But he reckoned he wouldn’t add any more stress to her day. She probably had enough stress, dealing with Carla.

“We were just best friends, Carla. If anything, Penny was stuck to us like glue. We just realized she wasn’t going to go anywhere until we let her join the crew.” Terrill had an almost wistful sound to his voice.

Jason raised his eyebrow and looked at his ex-best friend. No one would have been able to tell him way back then, when they were all eleven-year-olds riding their bikes and skates without a care in the world, that things would come to this. But then, no one would have been able to tell him he would fall madly in love with the scrawny, snaggle-toothed girl either.

He still remembered the first time they had all played together in the small attic apartment on Warren Street where Terrill and his mother lived. Big Mama had had to rush off for some emergency with Carla. She’d had no choice but to leave Penny with Terrill’s mom. Jason had come over to play with Terrill, and had been thoroughly disgusted that a girl was there during their playtime. The horror!

But Penny wouldn’t let them brush her off. He still remembered the way she had snatched his Rubik’s Cube and snapped, “Let me show you how to do it.” She had finished the complicated box that had had he and Terrill stumped for months in no time flat. He wasn’t even going to go into all the times she had beaten them in some race or another. She had gone from an icky girl to the coolest girl he had ever met to his second best friend by the end of the day.

“Whatever. A girl could do worse than having two strong, strapping young men such as y’all to look out for her.” Carla let out a hooting laugh, and her eyes took in Jason. “I guess you don’t really look out for her anymore, since she stomped on your heart. But you’re here anyway, huh? You can’t stay away, now that she’s back. Ha!” Carla laughed so hard she started to cough as she opened the fridge and pulled out a can of grape soda.

Ouch. “I’m just here to pay my respects, Carla.”

“Yeah, right. And I can take a hit of crack today and not have to worry about getting hooked. Somebody is swimming in the river of de-ni-al.” Carla sang the word denial like a song.

“We’re all just here to pay our respects. Big Mama always opened her doors to us and made us feel like family,” Terrill offered lightly. “We wouldn’t want to do anything that would take away from this time of mourning for your family, for Penny.” Terrill gave Jason a pointed stare.

Fine.

He would cut Penny and Terrill some slack today. But Penny wasn’t leaving town this time until she gave him the closure he needed. She owed him. He had waited fifteen years, but the wait was going to be over.

“I’ve got to go. Please accept my condolences, Carla. And please, tell Penny I will be back by later to talk with her.” Jason thought about saying goodbye to Terrill, but he wasn’t feeling that amicable. It would take a lot more than conversation for him to reach a point where he could reach out to his old friend again.

With everyone gone, Big Mama’s house felt cold and empty. Penny was just happy Terrill was still there and he wouldn’t be going back to Los Angeles tonight. Sitting with him in the only room she and her friends had been allowed to hang out in, the only room without some kind of plastic protection covering the furniture, Penny let out a sigh.

As they sat on the worn black pleather sofa that had been the bane of her existence in high school, Penny ran her hand lovingly over rips and large, exposed patches of cotton filling.

Everything about the room said 1980s bad design—from the sofa to the black lacquer, gold and mirrored coffee and end tables.

Penny couldn’t help but smile when she remembered how she’d pouted when Big Mama refused to buy cool real leather sofas for Penny and her friends to hang out on.

Big Mama had said, “Child, I’m not gonna spend that kind of money just for you and your little friends to eat potato chips and drink soda on it and tear it up. You better get this here! Stuff that you could wipe off when you get a spill!”

Terrill’s voice pulled her away from her memories.

“If you need me to stick around a little longer, Penny, I will. I can rearrange some things and do it.”

Terrill’s willingness to continually be there for her made the ball of guilt in her chest throb. She wondered what she’d done to deserve such a good friend. She knew she’d never be fully worthy of his generosity.

“No, I’ll be fine. I’m not staying around here long. Just long enough to settle Big Mama’s affairs, and then I’m out. For good.” Letting out an uneasy sigh, she turned to look at her oldest friend. “Thanks for being here for me. You’re always there for me, and I appreciate it. I know that you gave up a lot to stand by my side, and—”