A Spoonful of Sugar

Granny thinks it’s more to do with role clarity.

‘I think that in many ways the line between childhood and adulthood has become so blurred and this is causing a lot of problems, because you lose your authority.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well, where to start? The clothing that’s made for little children that looks like it’s fallen out of a seventeen-year-old pop star’s dressing room, the fact that parents cannot discipline children for fear of being told off themselves, the number of tiny tots who are dragged out to cafés every weekend to have a cappuccino with their parents – that’s no place for a small child! They want to play, and muck about, not sit in cafés while Mummy and Daddy read the newspaper.’

Now hold on – I happen to agree that there are far too many kids being hoiked off to Starbucks several times a week and are all but ignored while they’re there or given gargantuan muffins and pastries to keep them quiet. It’s very depressing actually. But we do it from time to time, and I consider it valuable – no, essential – grown-up time, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a nice sit down over a latte while my kids read a book, or draw a picture. Or, as we do most of the time, actually talk to one another without emptying the dishwasher, hanging out the laundry or picking up thousands of bits of Bionicles from the kitchen floor. Going to cafés means having unadulterated family time, and that’s a good thing.

But Granny doesn’t mean only this. She sees it as one example of the many ways children have crept into an adult world. Being given the same responsibilities and choices as we have.

Granny’s Pearl of Wisdom

The way children are reasoned with is also quite extraordinary to me – why can’t you just say to a child ‘this is how it is, I would like you to do this now, please’ and not have to explain your reasons why?

Granny is surely not saying it’s better to ignore children’s feelings and opinions? Even she wouldn’t go that far!

‘No, but sometimes it’s absolutely fine to tell a child that they just have to do as they are asked. They are children, and you are adults. Period. You don’t have to treat children as though they are about to fall apart – or as though they are your best friend. Sometimes life is tough, and unfair, and understanding this is part of childhood too.’

Oh, how many of us have fallen foul of that wonderfully tempting business of treating our children as our best friends? They’re cute; they like shopping; they don’t bitch about you behind your back (much) and they love staying up late having a good chat. What’s not best friendly about all that?

We are to touch on this sticky issue again in a few months but for now it’s very handy that it crops up here. I’m not sure if it’s a totally modern phenomenon – for all I know Roman mothers used to hang out in the Grandus Shoppingus Mallus with little Julius and Athena – but wanting to be ‘bezzy mates’ with our children, particularly mothers with their daughters, is something that seems to have taken over families of late and it’s not an entirely good thing. Mothers out on shopping trips with their five year olds, having girly lunches with their ten year olds, getting their hair done together – even having facials together when their child could be off reading a good book or inventing something involving toilet rolls and Sellotape. (Interestingly, this is still what many little boys seem to like doing …) All this adult-like behaviour is … well, it’s kind of weird, no?

Sometimes I desperately want to feel like a best friend to my children, but let’s be perfectly honest here: the reason many of us do this is either because we didn’t have the relationship with our own parents we would have liked and so we want to create this pally-ness with our kids, or because we’re desperately trying to recreate a good relationship enjoyed with our parents. Both are dangerous games to play. In many ways I actually do feel like a best friend to my children because they will always come to me to talk about things that are troubling them, to tell me something funny or to cry. But I feel it’s also essential to maintain some kind of authority, and for me to feel and behave as though I am their mother, their parent and therefore in some way responsible for them and in charge of them.

Does Granny think this is important in order to keep our kids under control?

‘Well, partly. But don’t forget it’s also because children need certain securities when they are growing up and one of them is knowing that they have parents who are there to act as guides, as role models and as protectors. Being best friends removes this safety net and that’s very unsettling for a child.’

This is a point I had never thought of. If you are over-friendly with your kids, far from making them feel happier and more secure, it can actually have the opposite effect because the role that they so need from you – that of the person in control, and where the buck stops – is missing in their lives. It establishes boundaries and draws out an invisible ‘safe zone’ within which they know what’s what and know they’ll be OK.

It takes a while to realise the importance of this, but it’s worth taking that time and remembering it.

Granny’s Pearl of Wisdom

Childhood only happens once, and it’s terribly short as it is. Be their parent. Be in charge, and give them everything they need to be children. It’s the foundation for everything that’s to come.

So what do some other parents think childhood is for?

“Watching clouds.”

Don, 58, father of two

“Childhood is for growing memories. It is for having as much fun as you can fit in. Childhood is a time for ‘doing’ without being judged; for laughing when you know why and when you don’t; for learning to trust; to be free. ”

Rebecca , 40, full time mother of four

“Childhood is for simply being a child; for growing up and learning about the world, and learning about survival as well as how to dream – even Einstein says, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge’; childhood is also a call on a parent to be properly human: to be less selfish and more humble in the face of new life; to be strong and yet feeling, protective and prepared to let go.”

Jeremy, 40 -something, father of two

“I love thinking myself back to early childhood for the sheer feeling of acceptance with everything as it was – no intrusive expectations or judgments of character. My brother and I just played and played and played in our own world and it was wonderful! ”

Jane, 63, mother of four and grandmother of four

Now then, did you notice as you were reading the thoughts above that the word ‘judge’ cropped up in various guises? We’d be well advised to think about that more often in the way we raise our children. We are very quick to give judgement, to offer our opinion, say what we think, compliment and criticise, but actually sometimes it’s best just to shut up, listen and not judge at all.

These thoughts, all of them beautiful, moving and true, along with Granny’s own suggestions from another time, form the very backbone of what you read from here on. The idea is never to wish ourselves back to times gone by – that way madness lies (and bad haircuts).

What I will seek to do instead is to find ways of putting some of this carefree and happy and, if such a word can be used here, successful childhood back into today’s world.

After this first chat I feel ready to start tackling some of the issues we raised in greater depth, and to really dig deep into the vast pool of knowledge Granny has from her child-rearing days, and that continues to this day, of course: fifty year olds still need their Mummy sometimes!

But not right now. A slimy pond awaits, and I’ll be in the Naughty Mummy corner before you can say ‘last one covered in mucks’ a rotten egg!’ if I don’t go and check it out, as promised.

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