Lost and Found Father

And the rest, as the saying went, was history.

Before her thoughts drove her into a deeper sense of painful distraction, she finished her coffee and went into the bathroom to take a long, invigorating shower.

By the time she emerged, her skin was flushed and her hair was damp and starting to misbehave. She put on a robe and plugged in the blow-dryer and flatiron, preparing to use both devices. Once she tamed her curls, she applied makeup and got dressed.

Ready to greet the afternoon and see her daughter, she drove to the sushi bar they favored.

Victoria arrived first and sat in the cramped waiting area. About five minutes later, Kaley walked in wearing denim shorts, a pastel-printed T and rhinestone flip-flops. Her hair streamed down her back, and with her golden tan and welcoming smile, she was a lovely sight to behold.

As they embraced, the teenager said, “Hey, Victoria.”

She didn’t expect Kaley to call her Mom, but on occasion Kaley referred to her as mi otra madre, which meant “my other mother” in Spanish. It was a reference that made Victoria feel like the most privileged woman on earth.

A hostess seated them, and they sat across from each other at a small table near the window. Water was delivered, and they studied their menus, energy buzzing between them.

“How did it go?” Kaley eagerly asked.

Such a loaded question, Victoria thought, but she did her best to respond in a positive way. “Ryan is anxious to meet you.”

“I’m excited about meeting him, too.” The child she’d conceived with him leaned closer. “What’s he like?”

“He looks different” was all she could seem to manage. Strong and handsome in a way she hadn’t imagined. When she saw that Kaley was waiting for a more in-depth response, she quickly added, “He seems successful.” But she’d always believed that he would make a good vet. “He has a nice country home and a couple of cute dogs. But most importantly, he’s receptive to having you in his life.”

“So what happens now? Is he going to call me? Am I supposed to call him?”

Okay, Victoria thought. Here goes. “I offered to call him after you and I talked. He wants you to stay at his house for a week or so. He also invited me to come with you.” She paused to collect herself. “But he’ll come here if you’d prefer not to go there.”

“Oh, wow. Really?” Kaley reached for her water, and the ice clinked in her half-tipped glass. “I’d probably get to know him better if I went there. Don’t you think?”

She wanted to discourage her daughter from making the trip, but sitting here gazing at the girl’s wistful expression, she couldn’t do it. “It’s your choice. He’s your...” She couldn’t bring herself to say “father” or “birth father” or anything that identified him as family, so she let the sentence drift.

“Are you willing to go with me? Or is that totally out of the question?”

Victoria’s heartbeat accelerated. “Is that what you want?”

“Are you kidding? I’d be really nervous without you. Besides, I know Dad would feel better if you were there.”

The dad she spoke of was Eric, the man who’d shaped her into the amazing young woman she’d become. Victoria would be forever grateful to him. “You’re right. He would worry otherwise. And so would I.” Expecting Kaley to visit with Ryan for the first time by herself wasn’t in the girl’s best interest. “I’ll go with you.”

The teenager fanned herself. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Neither could Victoria. She felt as if she were having an out-of-body experience. If someone would’ve told her that someday she would be sleeping under Ryan’s roof with their grown child in tow, she would have deemed that person crazy. Plus Kaley didn’t know that Victoria had loved Ryan. No one did.

She looked across the table at her daughter. Every excruciating detail of the day Kaley was born was still imbedded in her mind. While she’d held the swaddled infant, she’d waited desperately for Ryan to show up. She’d also glanced endlessly at her parents, begging them to ask the representative from the adoption agency for more time. But eventually the extra time ran out. The most painful moment was right before they’d taken Kaley away. She’d clutched the baby close to her chest, wishing she could nurse her, wishing she could take her home, with or without Ryan. It was the worst day of her life.

But now she had her daughter back. Kaley meant the world to her, and if making peace with Ryan was part of the deal, then that was what she would do.

Even if being in his company still made her hurt.

Chapter Two

This was it. Victoria and Kaley would be arriving at Ryan’s house any minute, he hoped. He’d offered to pick them up at the airport and lend them his truck whenever they needed a vehicle, but Victoria insisted on renting a car.

They would be staying for the equivalent of a week, starting today, which was a bright and sunny Thursday.

He waited on the porch steps. At this point, he didn’t care if he appeared anxious, sitting outside the way he was. He needed the fresh air. Besides, he was anxious, and no doubt Kaley was, too. He imagined Victoria was as well, but not for the same eager-to-bond reason. She was probably dreading every upcoming second that she’d agreed to spend in Oregon.

His dogs sat beside him, glancing around. From his body language, they obviously sensed that something was up.

A midsize sedan pulled up to the curb, and Ryan jumped to his feet. The dogs followed his lead.

“Behave, you guys,” he said.

They looked at him with expectation, as if to ask who was coming to see them.

“My daughter,” he automatically replied, heading out to the vehicle. “So make a good impression.” He said the latter part as much to himself as to the dogs. He desperately wanted Kaley to like him. Victoria, too, but he didn’t know if that was possible.

Kaley got out of the car first, and he lost every ounce of breath in his lungs. He recognized her from her pictures, only she was taller than he’d expected, and in the sun, her long dark hair glinted with hints of auburn. She was more beautiful than anyone he’d ever seen. Because she was his, he thought, wishing for the millionth time that he’d been there when she was born.

They both stood a little awkwardly, gazing at each other. He noticed right away her colorful clothes and bangle bracelets.

Finally, they said hello and reached forward for a hug. He was cautious not to hold her too tightly for fear that he would smother her with his daddy desperation.

“It’s so good have you here,” he said.

“It’s good to be here.”

They separated, and he noticed that Victoria had gotten out of the car and was lingering off to the side. He suspected that she was staying in the background deliberately, giving him and Kaley a chance to get acquainted.

The teenager glanced down at the dogs. “Look how adorable you two are.” She asked Ryan, “What are their names?”

He smiled, grateful that animals were an icebreaker. “Perky and Pesky.”

She laughed. “Let me guess. Perky is the black-and-white one with the bright expression, and Pesky is the chubby guy wiggling for attention.” Upon hearing his name, Pesky grinned, flashing his crooked teeth. Kaley laughed again.

Ryan couldn’t take his eyes off his daughter. There she was, so grown up, standing right before him and wanting to be part of his life. He longed to hug her again. But he didn’t. He knew it would be weird to keep grabbing her.

Victoria came forward, and she and Ryan exchanged a quiet greeting, a simple “Hi” in the presence of the child they’d created. Talk about surreal.

Trying to act casual, he said to Victoria, “If you pop the trunk, I’ll get the bags.”

“We can help, too,” Kaley said. “We brought a lot of stuff. We even bought some new outfits for the trip. But it was just an excuse for us to shop.”

“Mall fever,” Victoria put in, making Kaley grin.

Ryan didn’t mind that they’d over-packed. The more stuff they brought, the more of a vacation it seemed.

Everyone pitched in with the bags. The women had an easy rapport with each other. He was definitely the odd man out, but he’d expected as much.

While they headed for the porch, Pesky stayed close to Kaley. Ryan asked her, “Do you have pets?”

“We have two cats. Dad calls them the bougainvillea babies because when they were kittens, they used to hide in the flowers on our patio. Sometimes Dad calls me a bougainvillea baby, too. He has all sorts of nicknames for me. He says I’m a daddy’s girl, like the cats. They’re girls, too.”

Although Ryan smiled, he struggled with a twinge of envy. He knew that he shouldn’t react that way every time her adoptive father was mentioned. If anything, he should be thanking the other man for making her a daddy’s girl.

He opened the door, and they went inside.

Kaley glanced around. “Victoria told me how nice she thought this place was.” His daughter stepped farther into the living room, where a stone fireplace and woven rugs presided. “I really like it, too.”

“Thanks. I bought it about three years ago.” He knew his house could use a woman’s touch, but he wasn’t about to say that. “It was built in the 1800s, but it’s obviously been renovated since then.” He chanced a daddy’s girl remark. “You can be a buttercup baby here. I put some in your room. I picked them in the woods.”

“Buttercup baby. Oh, that’s cute.”

Ryan appreciated her enthusiasm. It was just what he needed. In the silence, he glanced at Victoria, wondering what she was thinking. She was standing on the other side of him.

He said to her, “I put some flowers in your room, too.”

She adjusted the strap of her purse, which kept slipping off her shoulder. “You didn’t need to pick anything for me.”

“I wanted to.”

Before things got quiet again, Kaley said, “Can we see your backyard before we see our rooms?”

“Sure.” They left the luggage where it was and headed to the kitchen, which led to the mudroom and back door.

“It’s so green and pretty.” His daughter was impressed. “And check out the chickens.” She laughed and mimicked one of the hens clucking along in the coop. She glanced across the yard at the barn. “Do you have horses?”

“Just one. An old grandpa who needed a home.”

“Was he a rescue?”

“In a way, I guess. He belonged to the people who sold me this place, but they couldn’t take him where they were going, so I agreed to keep him. He’s a draft horse, loyal as can be. I inherited a miniature cow, too. The chickens were also part of the deal.”

“I never even knew there were miniature cows. Do you milk it?”

“Yes. I can teach you sometime this week, if you’d like.”

“Imagine that—me milking a little cow. That sounds fun.”

He smiled, and they returned to the house and finished the indoor tour, where he took the women upstairs to their rooms.

Victoria’s was first, a brightly lit space furnished with an oak-framed bed and matching dresser, where the flowers sat. He’d chosen spring beauties for her. The last of the summer blooms. He’d been tempted to add some wild ginger to the bouquet, but he’d refrained, concerned that it would be too blatant a reminder of their youth.

“This is lovely,” she said and placed her bags in the corner. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” A beat of emotion passed between them, something they were obviously going to have to get used to.

When they entered Kaley’s room, she beamed over her flowers. She opened her toiletries suitcase and searched around for a bobby pin so she could clip one of the buttercups in her hair.

Once the yellow bloom was in place, she sat on the edge of the bed and asked Ryan, “Do you have any photos around, of your parents or grandparents or anyone? I’m interested in seeing them. Plus I’m starting a family tree, and when I did research about it online, they said to go through old pictures and documents. Victoria has been helping me with her side, and I was hoping you would help me with yours.”

He hadn’t considered Kaley taking the interest in her roots quite that far, but Victoria warned him that their daughter was on an identity quest, so he should have been better prepared. “There’s a box in the attic with that kind of stuff in it. I can get it down tomorrow.”

“That would be great. I also have some pictures to show you. I brought a photo album with me in it that my mom made when I was little. You can look through it tomorrow, too, if you want.”

“Okay.” Still a bit overwhelmed, he marveled at Kaley’s easy manner. “Are you hungry? How does pizza sound for dinner tonight? We can order in.”

She grinned. “I love pizza.”

“So do I,” he replied, then addressed Victoria. “You always did, too. Unless your tastes have changed.”

Her purse strap fell down again. “I still like it.”

“Then that’s what we’ll get.”

Once they decided on the toppings, Kaley stayed in her room to call her father, and Ryan and Victoria went downstairs to wait for the delivery.

She occupied the leather chair in the living room, leaving him the sofa. She was making a habit of sitting apart from him.

“I’m not much of a cook,” he said, struggling for conversation. The beat of emotion that passed between them earlier was getting stronger. “Mostly I fix easy things. Or eat out.”

She glanced in the direction of the kitchen, as if she was trying to make their exchange seem more normal. “I don’t mind cooking while I’m here. It will give me something to do. But I brought work with me, too.”

He forced an easy tone. “I’m taking the week off. My staff is, too. I gave them paid vacations, rather than keep the clinic open while you’re visiting. I want to spend as much time with Kaley as I can.” Curious about his daughter’s culinary skills, he asked, “Does she like to cook?”

“Mostly Kaley and Eric eat out or prepare simple meals, like you do. But I’m going to teach her to bake. She remembers the goodies her mom used to make, and she wants to try her hand at it.”

Ryan had been in kindergarten when his mother passed away. His memories of her were practically nonexistent. “Maybe the two of you can do some baking while you’re here.”

“Maybe we can.”

Being a new parent was different for Ryan than it was for Victoria because Kaley still had a father. Already he was nervous about the plans they’d made for tomorrow. “My contribution to the family tree will probably suck. My dad never talked about our relatives. I probably won’t even know who’s who.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She eased his concern. “My side hasn’t been all that riveting, either.”

“At least your parents are still around.”

“Yes, and with the same detached attitude.”

Ryan nodded in understanding. Neither of them had come from nurturing homes.

She said, “My parents weren’t receptive to the idea of me searching for Kaley. They were worried that it might turn out badly. And now that I found her, they’re still not overly supportive. Nor have they made a genuine effort to get to know her or help with the family tree. I think they’re still under the belief that adoptions should remain closed.”

“I remember how adamant they were about that.”

She nodded. “So was your dad.”

True, but it wasn’t his dad who’d stopped him from going to the hospital. Ryan had made that mistake himself.

“Kaley’s mom was adopted.”

He blinked, cleared his mind. “Really?”

“Kaley can tell you more about her. Mostly she’s the reason that Kaley wanted to find us. I think the family tree was influenced by her, too. Her name was Corrine. There are pictures of her in Kaley’s photo album. And some of Eric, too.” She paused, as if to collect her thoughts. “Corrine was the love of Eric’s life. Sometimes his voice still quavers when he talks about her.”

A sense of sadness crept over him. “Are there newborn pictures of Kaley in the album?”

“Yes. The hospital took some and gave them to her parents.” Silent, she glanced away.

Ryan suspected that she’d slipped back to being the girl he’d crushed, reliving the moment.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said. “If I could change it, I would.”

She didn’t meet his gaze. “It turned out all right. Kaley is here with us now.”

“Yes, but it’s still haunting us. You can barely stand to look at me, and I barely know what to say to you.”

Defying his comment, she shifted her gaze, staring straight at him. “I’ve looked at you plenty.”

“And you’re still seeing me for who I was, not for who I am.”

“Please, Ryan. I don’t want to dwell on the past. What’s done is done, and I accept your apology.”

A painful acceptance. Her voice was shaking, making him think of Eric and his dead wife. Had Ryan killed a part of Victoria on the day their daughter was born? Did her hurt go deeper than it should, deeper than a place even Kaley could reach?

With his burden worsening he said, “I think I need to tell Kaley the truth before she shows me the album.” If he didn’t, he would feel like a fraud, looking at pictures of the infant he should have cradled in his arms. “In fact, I should probably tell her tonight.”

“Do you want me leave the room when you explain it to her?”

“God, no. I want you to hear the truth, too.” He needed for her to hear it.

“I already know what happened.”

“But we never discussed it.” Since she’d refused to speak to him after Kaley was born, and he’d been too ashamed to try to make amends, he’d kept his distance. After she moved away, he’d sunk deeper into himself, barely talking to anyone at school. By the time college rolled around, he’d been eager to get out of town and never come back. But after he’d earned his DVM, he’d changed his mind and resumed his life here.

The doorbell rang, signaling the pizza delivery. Grateful for the mental reprieve, Ryan jumped up to answer it.

He paid for the food and put it on the coffee table, along with some paper plates, sodas and napkins. Victoria didn’t say anything about his decision to eat in the living room. But that was where he took most of his meals.

Kaley came downstairs, having heard the doorbell, too. Her new best friend, Pesky the bulldog, was following her.

“Pizza looks good,” she said.

“Help yourself.” He noticed that she still had the buttercup in her hair, making his heart do the daddy thing and skitter around in his chest.

Kaley sat beside him, then took two slices. Victoria chose one, which she picked at, removing the toppings and sampling them first. But she’d always eaten the crust last. She did that with sandwiches, too. As Ryan watched her, he wondered if his memories of her would be as vivid if she was merely his high-school sweetheart and not the mother of his child. Was she cemented in his mind because of Kaley? Or would Victoria have made a lasting impression either way?

He finally turned to Kaley and said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

She tilted her head. “About what?”

“The day you were born. I wasn’t at the hospital.”

She kept the pizza plate on her lap. “How come?”

“Because I couldn’t handle it.”

“That’s okay.” She took a casual approach. “A lot of people who give up their babies for adoption think it’s easier not to see them.”

“There’s more to it than that. I promised Victoria that I would be there. I gave her my word, and I had every intention of keeping it. But when the day came, I panicked.”

Kaley went silent. Victoria was quiet, too. Both listening to what he had to say.

“It was around five in the morning, and the phone rang, dragging me out of a restless sleep.” He’d been restless the entire nine months, aware of every moment of every pregnant day. “My dad answered it, and after he hung up, he came into my room and said that Victoria was in labor.”

Kaley brought Victoria directly into conversation. “Was it you who called?”

“No, it was my mother.” She didn’t elaborate, allowing Ryan to continue.

The scene unfolded in his mind, colorful yet choppy, like patchwork pieces of a torn quilt. “Dad didn’t say anything else to me. He left the house to go to work. It was a school day, but he wasn’t expecting me to go to school. He assumed that I would take my truck and head over to the hospital, which was what I planned to do. I had an old Ford that he’d overhauled for me. Dad was a mechanic.” He mentioned those details because they were part of the memory. “I got ready and went out to my truck with these two little teddy bears that I’d been keeping in my drawer. One was for you and the other one was for Victoria.” He shifted his gaze to the mother of his child. “I bought them about a month before. I figured the new parents could give Kaley hers, and I was thinking that you’d keep yours and always know that you had the same toy as our daughter.”

She swallowed, as if a lump had just formed in her throat. “What happened to the bears?”

“I kept them for about a year, torturing myself with them, I guess. Then when I went off to college, I donated them to the Goodwill. I didn’t know what else to do with them.”

“I wish you still had them,” Kaley said.

“So do I. Then I could give them to both of you now.” Because his mouth had gone dry, he reached for his soda and took a sip. “Not that it would change any of this, though.”

“Tell us the rest of your story,” Kaley said. “You went out to the truck with the bears. Then what did you do?”

“I got behind the wheel. Then suddenly my heart started racing and I couldn’t breathe. I was having a panic attack. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what it was called, but I knew it was because of the baby. I returned to the house and sat on the sofa, trying to catch my breath and rebuild my courage to go to the hospital. But I never did.”

“You stayed in your living room the whole time I was in labor?” Victoria asked.

He nodded. “After a while the phone rang, and I figured it was your mom, calling to see where I was. It rang on and off, all day. When the calls started coming closer together, I assumed that you’d had the baby.” He divided his gaze between both of the women in his presence. “The two of you deserved better.”

“It didn’t affect me,” Kaley said. “I don’t remember any of it. But I feel badly for Victoria.” She spoke to her birth mom. “That must have been really sad for you.”

“It was. But it’s done and over now.”

“I can tell it still hurts.” Kaley glanced over at Ryan. “You look like you’re hurting, too.”

“I just wish I could go back and redo it the right way.”

Kaley made a goofy face. “I can act like a baby if it will make you feel better.”

When she stuck her thumb in her mouth, Ryan couldn’t help but smile. “Keep that up and I’ll to have to buy you another teddy bear.”

She removed her thumb with a deliberate pop. “Actually that would be cool. Where’d you buy the first ones?”

“At a discount store on the edge of town.”

“Is it still there?”

“Yes.”

“Can we go there this week?”

“Sure. We can pick out a new bear together.”

“Are you going to get Victoria a new one, too?”

His pulse went jumpy. “If she wants me to.” He asked her, “Do you?”

She shrugged, albeit it gently. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I think you should be included. Then you and Kaley can have the matching toys you were supposed have. We can all go to the store together.”

Their daughter chimed in. “You know what else we should all do together? Go to the maternity ward of the hospital. So I can see the place where I was born and so you guys can make new memories.”

Ryan loved the idea, especially since Kaley suggested it. But Victoria had to agree, too. He noticed she’d gone quiet again.

“What do you think?” he asked her. “If Kaley and I go there, will you come with us?”

The teenager added, “We can look at the babies behind the glass. It’ll be nice to focus on people being born in a hospital instead of dying there.”