Not a Life Coach

Imagine closing the last page of this book and realizing that not a lot has to change in your life, but a tremendous amount can change in your head. I am going to shake a metaphorical tree in many areas of your life; in some, you may clutch the branches so tight that you’ll know I’m wrong, while in others you’ll fall out of that tree and realize you were holding tight to a branch that wasn’t the right one for you.

But either way, it’s time for you and me to rewrite the norms and the rules to your existing beliefs, so we can align your journey with a destination that truly makes you happy and actually makes you feel successful. Not only that, but we can eradicate a lot of useless doubt, that constant feeling of undervaluing your ability, and we can stop you from getting in your own way so much. I am going to arm you with a new mindset and outlook so that you can begin adjusting anything that could potentially be wrong right now.

I hope I am wrong. I hope you’re different. But I’m confident I’m not or I wouldn’t have written this book. There are some very hard pills to swallow, but if you’re ready for this, buckle up and let’s begin.

PART I

ENVIRONMENT

The dictionary definition of environment is ‘the surroundings or conditions in which a person, animal or plant lives or operates’. So, if a certain plant is thriving where it is, and we move it, the chances are very high that it will not survive, or it will take some time to adjust and recover. We can’t label any environment as definitively good or bad, therefore it’s subjective, and contextual. For instance, many things will die in a desert, but a cactus will thrive. A cactus is rather unique in its ability to store water, needing infrequent rainfall to maintain optimum internal conditions for survival. Now, this isn’t called ‘Not a Cactus Book’, so I’ll move on, but I just wanted to make the point that we should not automatically seek an objectively ‘good’ environment; we should seek the right one for our needs. What is a great environment for one plant could mean death for another and vice versa.

Animals are much the same as plants in this respect. For example, let’s consider the temperature of water in which fishes* thrive and reproduce. One of the biggest issues with global warming is the effect it is having on our seas; ice on land is melting and when that ice makes its way into the sea it affects the salinity of the water, disrupting currents and fishes’ habitats, leading to bigger environmental consequences. If it was up to a fish, we wouldn’t be altering the environment in which they thrive, yet as humans we consistently choose to do so.

So, it’s safe to say that our environment – or any environment – is crucial to thrive, to survive and, for us more consciously aware human beings, to be happy.

* I know for a second there you wanted to correct me and say the plural of fish is fish. It’s actually a double plural and scientists who study fish will say ‘fishes’. A few pages in and you’re already becoming a smart arse.

The Essentials

Strangely enough, our everyday human environment is not much of a conversation we have and it certainly doesn’t gain much traction in discussions about what’s truly important in our lives. Should you sit someone down and ask them what they’d like, they might say ‘to win the lottery’ (financial) or ‘to go on a long holiday’ (a break from existing job/routine). Rarely does anyone turn around and say, ‘I’d like to live and exist in a better environment.’ So many people land in an environment determined by a job, for example, as the first stepping stone, and then never leave it. The initial dull, dreary job may be a ‘just-for-now’ move, but before they know it, they’re comfortable, and when challenged it’s all too easy to say, ‘I’ll do it when I’m a bit older.’

Survival isn’t that high on our agendas because we’re all incredibly safe – statistically speaking, the safest yet since humans began on Earth. Of course you still need to look each way before crossing the road, get your vaccines and be sensible, but considering most people have running water, refrigerated food stores and electricity, I’d say that as far as an environment for survival is concerned, you’re going to be just fine.

Where the environment really comes into play is with its connection to how much you enjoy it, therefore how happy it makes you. I’m not a hippie, but I do often refer to my ‘soul’ and what my soul would prefer. So, it’s not my soul that wants pizza, but it is my soul that wants clear skies or to be near the sea. I’ve struggled for much of my life to understand this feeling properly. I would often just bury my urge for a different environment, believing the one I was in was the norm. And the norm only seemed that way because no one else was questioning it; not once did anyone around me say, ‘Could I be happier somewhere else?’ It’s very important that we prioritize our environment over many other things; even the smallest change in metaphorical temperature can have a profound impact on your happiness. For instance, when you move in with someone – a partner, perhaps, or a new housemate – your job, salary, relationship with your parents, etc. all stay the same, but overnight your environment changes and many other aspects of your life with it, and it’s not to be taken for granted.

The importance of change

Environment can be defined by physical factors such as country and climate. You can experience different environments by travelling and getting stuck in. I played rugby in New Zealand for six months. I got the offer to play through an agency online, and within three weeks I had quit my job, packed and flown to the other side of the planet on a whim. I learned that it wasn’t my perfect environment, but it was an amazing perspective nevertheless. I worked on a farm, in forestry and even put up signs for a living. From sheep shearing to signage, I’d come a long way from wearing a suit, and even though I knew deep down that these jobs were not right for me, at least I wasn’t bored. I found the change of environment very useful; it gave me experience and insight into different careers. People are so afraid to ‘change lanes’ in their profession, but just like dating, you sometimes need to play the field for essential perspective.

Other key factors to consider within your environment are the associated elements – for example, culture and who you spend time with are big factors. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten that Charlie Tremendous Jones quote from earlier: ‘You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.’

What if I was to say that a huge number of the failures and successes you will face in the future are profoundly impacted by who you decide to spend time with in the coming years? Our environment is not just the bubble we live in, but the people within it as well. Many diets don’t just fail because of a lack of willpower and temptation, but because of environmental factors and the people who surround the dieter. ‘Go on, just one won’t hurt,’ from the unsupportive partner. ‘Oh, but it’s the weekend, relax!’ We see this with relationships where perhaps there is a gap between the ambitions of each partner: ‘It’s the weekend, you shouldn’t be working.’ Or: ‘It’s getting late – put your laptop away.’ The people you surround yourself with are either the wind in your sails or a headwind you’re sailing against, and you must identify these. But don’t grab your phone right away and begin the cull – not yet, anyway. Just keep it in mind. I always like to remind people that birds that fly in formation do so to reduce drag; you need the people by your side to be flying in your direction, and if they’re not, it’s not personal, but it’s probably just not right. Those of you who read my first book may remember I opened with this quote:

Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.

Abraham Lincoln

Instead of wielding the axe straight away, you need to adopt a similar perspective to assembling your team for life, especially if your environment doesn’t currently match your dreams. If you’re not where you want to be, it’s time to begin the process of moving closer to wherever that is, and you must identify who is with you and begin the painful job of recognizing who isn’t. Humans copy each other, often subconsciously, in order to fit in. Take mirroring, for example: next time you’re sitting with someone, cross your legs and wait to see how long it takes them to do the same. Then, shortly after, sit back and cross your arms, and see what happens. Humans, by their very nature, mirror each other. There is a fairly pseudoscientific communication known as NLP (neurolinguistic programming) where one of the tactics I’ve seen involves people copying other people’s actions in a bid to promote a rapport, but I feel that some of these ‘tactics’ are rubbish. Watch someone yawn,* and you can’t resist … someone has a giggling fit and you’re suddenly laughing for no reason. Put all this together and you’ll see the importance of who we surround ourselves with, as we’re often connected to these people much more than we think. Personality also comes into play, with extroverts tending to mimic others more because being liked by others is more important to them than it is to introverts.1

So, coming back to the importance of what and who you surround yourself with, I want you to think of any time when you or someone you know has experienced tremendous success. Because it’s often linked to change – not just any change, but change in environment, surroundings and the people who constitute your social and professional life. I’m not here to tell you how your environment needs to look or how it should be, just to ensure it’s held high on your priority list and that you never take it for granted. The way we think about our environment and the choices we make about it can go a long way to explaining why some people feel broken and unmotivated. Didn’t get that promotion? Didn’t get invited to a party? Got rejected by a crush? Instead of spiralling into feelings of insecurity and a lack of self-worth, consider whether the environment you were trying to thrive in was the right one in the first place.

If we’re not living to our fullest potential, I very much doubt it’s who we are that’s at fault as much as where we are and who we’re associated with. So, whether your goal is fat loss, financial ‘freedom’ or just happiness and the feeling of being content with your work–life balance, putting a magnifying glass over your environment and those within it is crucial. Not everyone will survive, I warn you now; dead wood should be removed. Whether you’re looking to get more from a business, a flowerbed or your immediate future, you must eliminate anything that does not serve a purpose in reaching your goals.

A strong associative environment† paired with an ideal physical one is only going to produce an outcome of prosperity, happiness and the ability to thrive. Changing who you are takes time; changing who you surround yourself with and where you operate can be changed today.

* Talking of yawns, some people believe yawning is to do with the brain cooling. Others draw direct parallels with empathy: ‘The susceptibility to contagious yawning correlates with empathic skills in healthy humans.’2 For a long time, people have believed there’s a connection between yawning and brain hypoxia (lack of oxygen), but this has been discarded since studies of people breathing air with mixed amounts of oxygen and carbon dioxide did not affect the participants’ yawn rate. What’s crazy to me is that yawning occurs in almost all vertebrates and has been spotted in foetuses at only twenty weeks. Interestingly, the studies on yawning are done on humans and chimpanzees and there is a spectrum from close friend to stranger, whereby the closer the person is to you, the more inclined they are to yawn. So next time you yawn and your partner or best friend doesn’t, it may be a good time to reconsider the relationship … Just kidding. Yawning is one of many things that the world just doesn’t know enough about to say for sure.

† Associative environment is a term I’ve coined to talk about your environment in the context of who you associate with, not which country you’re in or the weather.

‘Wealth’: Real Wealth Versus Money in the Bank

‘If only I had more money …’ A huge misconception we often feed ourselves is that if we had more money, we’d have more happiness. But I am afraid it’s bullshit. Likewise, we know, sadly, that having a good credit rating or a trust fund won’t protect us from mental or physical health issues. It doesn’t matter how much we’re worth – if we don’t value the right things, money won’t buy us out of feeling unhappy. Let me introduce you to a concept known as income satiation.

Income satiation

Does happiness rise indefinitely with income, or is there a point at which higher incomes no longer lead to greater wellbeing?

Interestingly, in the literature I’ve looked at, I have found the threshold seems to be around £60,000 (110,000 AU$), beyond which increases in income no longer improve people’s ability to do what matters most to their emotional wellbeing, such as spending time with people they like and enjoying leisure. We seem to think of money and pleasure as being on a linear* scale – more money = more happiness – and I think that’s why, all too often, we envy the richest amongst us.3

Now, this isn’t to say that if you’re not earning a certain amount you can’t be happy, quite the opposite. But it is to explain the diminishing returns after a certain point.† By eradicating the notion of a linear route to happiness we can begin to understand that’s not how we work and it’s not how the world works either.

‘When income rises beyond this value, the increased ability to purchase positive experiences is balanced, on average, by some negative effects. A recent psychological study using priming methods provided suggestive evidence of a possible association between high income and a reduced ability to savour small pleasures.’4

It’s very interesting to see that when people were reminded about their wealth they then spent less time savouring a piece of chocolate. Sounds weird, right? It was reported that these people also exhibited reduced levels of enjoyment compared with participants not reminded of wealth. This is some of the evidence that supports the notion that having easy access to the ‘best things’ in life could very well be your Achilles’ heel, preventing you from savouring, enjoying and making the most of the little things. More is not always better; happiness, fulfilment and quality of life are not to be considered linear on paper.

I was invited as a guest to fly to Amsterdam on a private jet a few years ago. The jet was, quite frankly, ridiculous, with sofas to relax on and never-ending quantities of champagne served, and throughout the flight I had one feeling I couldn’t shake: the notion of how much the experience was going to ruin normal air travel in the future. (We flew back from Amsterdam on an EasyJet flight – quite the contrast, I can tell you.) When I was a child, sitting on any plane was an adventure that would keep me awake with excitement the night before. Now, nothing had changed except what I had been exposed to. The point I want to make is that I very much doubt regular private-jet users can experience even business-class flights without feeling cramped. If you reach a certain level of wealth, one person’s dream (such as flying business class) can be someone else’s idea of travelling like cattle.

I don’t think many of us always realize that wherever we sit on the scale of earnings, markers for happiness remain very much the same – love is the same and even feeling content with your day is the same. I want you to think about that: if you earned half of what you do currently, you could still be just as happy; and if you earned ten times as much, the same applies – the only thing that changes is your spending habits. To put it simply – expending all of your energy on thinking about how you can earn more money is not a wise investment of your time or effort. Coming home and getting into comfortable clothes, sitting back with a glass of wine or a beer and putting your feet up on the table? That feeling is the same, no matter where you do it.

Corporate life and the ‘herd instinct’

Moving on, the next terrible misconception we are all so often guilty of is the assumption, or even belief, that ‘I’ll do that when I’m older’.

Rewind the best part of seven years and you’ll find out about the time I spent six months backpacking in Southeast Asia. Of course I did – I was a typical twenty-something from Berkshire, unsure of which direction to take in my life. But before I tell you about my first happy-ending massage (which was great) let me tell you about the ‘the herd instinct’ and how it affected me as an adult, ready to take on the world.

When the time came to enter the ‘world of work’ (remember that blueprint I told you about?), I applied for a job in the corporate world because, to me, I suppose in hindsight, it was the only logical pathway to that elusive six-figure salary. I put on my cheap suit, shiny black shoes and learned how to tie a tie. Why? Because it was what ‘everyone else’ was doing when they got to my stage in life.

Now, wearing a suit has no functional purpose beyond having more pockets than casual attire. I never once questioned why I was doing it or whether the money I’d be paid for the hours in my office cubicle would be worth it. I simply thought to myself: how else can I make my parents proud, buy a house and get a nice car without such a salary? I love cars, and from when I was a teenager to my mid-twenties they got faster, more luxurious and newer, but at the time of writing, I haven’t had a car in years and only ride my trusted cruiser skateboard around. I hope you believe me when I tell you it makes me far happier than any car ever did.

The six-figure salary to me seemed like the only logical stepping stone – not once did I ever think my values were misaligned, just that I needed new shoes and to shave for the interview and pretend I cared about it a lot more than I really did. So, I held my glass of water in my shaking hand (it kept my palm cool and reduced the clamminess that was a frequent occurrence in this type of interview). Then I took a sip of water as my interviewer got to the end of his sentence, which bought me another couple of seconds to conjure a good response without seeming like I was thinking too much. All tricks of the trade, like an illusionist, my only care being getting the job so I’d have money in my bank account come the end of the month.

Well, the cool-palm/water-sipping trick paid off because I got that job. And most others I interviewed for.

There was a weird moment when I sat at my desk on my first day in that job, adjusted my chair and ensured my monitor was at the right height so that I didn’t get a neck problem (given the huge amount of time I’d be staring at it, week on week). I looked at my phone and I thought to myself: this is it. You think of your payslip, how much it means per month after tax and what that can do for those around you. You think about ‘career opportunities’, ‘progressions’ and ‘incentives’. You line up your mobile phone in a perpendicular manner to the keyboard and think of the lovely arrangement you have in front of you.

I found this mindset of thinking down, not up. What I mean is that I remember my salary was around £20,000 (36,400 AU$) – I thought to myself: OK, that’s £1,600 (2,900 AU$) a month and about £1,200 (2,185 AU$) after tax. I then divided it by the hours in a nine-to-five job, and thought that’s £7.50 (13.65 AU$) an hour, comparing it to what I earned in the pub, which was £6 (11 AU$) an hour. Then, if they ‘match’ your pension contribution, you feel like you’re getting free money (although I’m pretty sure that when you do the maths it’s not as glamorous as you think) – for some this kind of security may be what they crave, but is trading the best years of your life for a future pension that covers a much smaller proportion of your life really a good marker of contentment? The tiny increase of £1.50 (2.70 AU$) an hour made me feel accomplished at the time, but there was one key difference: I had actually enjoyed working in the pub.

So, I’d found myself doing something I never really wanted to do, what seemed like the right thing to do, only because everyone else was doing it. I was following the herd. They all seemed happy, so I told myself what I now know is one of many lies I’ve told myself over the years: that I was happy working in that corporate world, soon to be consumed by the rat race.

The ‘herd instinct’ goes hand in hand with that blueprint I keep referring to, which so many of us follow by default. Why do we not challenge the status quo? Why is it perfectly acceptable to do something you don’t enjoy so that you can live for the weekend? You’ll get carried away Friday and Saturday, only to spend Sunday miserable in bed, half dreading work the next day, while the other half is suffering from the hangover. I like to remind people that Mondays do not suck. If you feel that way, it’s not Mondays that are the problem, but the current structure and routine in your life.

So, there I was, fresh-faced, new to the corporate way of living, and in the office on day one, I was initially tested by making the tea for those around me. Do you know what I decided to do? I made the worst tea I possibly could to ensure I wasn’t asked to do it again. In hindsight, intentionally making terrible tea could legitimately rank as the highlight of my dull, dreary days in the corporate world. I developed another trick, due to the rigidity of the hours and only being able to leave for home at 5.30 p.m. (it always annoyed me that regardless of how hard I worked, I’d still have to hit the same arbitrary amount of outward calls and have to leave at the same time each day): I’d often ask who wanted a cup of tea at 5.15 p.m. (no one, obviously, as it was almost time to go), then leave the office via a fire escape, out of sight of most of my colleagues. If my managers asked where I was come 5.25, everyone would say I was making a cup of tea, unknowingly covering my back.

Being exposed to the corporate world – people in higher positions than me, earning more money than me, having nicer things than I had … You wake up, you go to work, you come home and you try to enjoy the finite period of time between that and when you go to sleep. Is it any wonder that over the years I became fixated on my job title (which changed weekly when I was bored on LinkedIn), my income and the materialistic things everyone else had? Take a suit, for instance. I fucking hated wearing a suit, but within months I was thinking about how I needed a nicer one, a better fit, more expensive. I wanted a more expensive version of something I didn’t even want, to impress people I didn’t actually even like who earned more money than I did.

This all came to an end when I snapped. When I just couldn’t do it any more. I needed to hit pause on life and just escape for a bit. So, I sold my fancy car and flew to Southeast Asia. Time slowed down for me then. I spent some days just worrying about how many beers I was going to have and others about what books I should read. I’d admire how some of the locals had what appeared to be so little, yet they had a sense of happiness much greater than anyone else’s back home – even those with the six-figure salaries.

For me, in hindsight, I am so grateful I snapped when I did. It taught me a lesson about who I was, what I stood for, what I was willing to do and what I wasn’t. I don’t mean to completely shit on the corporate world, but in my experience, it’s where I found that most organizations trade as much of your time and effort as they can for the least amount of money you’ll accept to do it. Read that again: every salary is quite literally the least amount of money someone is willing to pay you for your finite amount of time on this planet.