As Long As You Love Me

“Depends on what it is.”

My breath came out in a shaky rush. “I need to see my dad. I have to talk to him.”

I’d had a horrendous fight with my mom. Her apathy and apparent lack of self-respect—the way she could barely manage to go through the motions—had made me scream at her, Just look at yourself. I so get why he left you. I’d planned to race to my dad’s side and tell him I understood everything now and please, can’t I be part of your awesome new life? A fresh start away from the rumors about my mother’s sanity had sounded perfect, what I wanted most.

Rob had wiped his hands on a rag, then said, “What did your mom say?”

“She doesn’t know. Will you take me? I can give you gas money.” At the time, Nadia had her license and a car. I could’ve asked her to drive me but I was afraid she’d punk out and blab to my mom about the plan. Why I had no such fear with him, to this day, I didn’t understand.

“Why don’t you call him?”

“I just need to see him. Please, Rob?” What I didn’t tell him was that I didn’t plan on coming home. I’d live with my dad from then on; my mom could ship my clothes, presuming she could manage it. Whatever, I’d buy more. I just wanted out. Her depression had only made my issues worse, and it had been all I could do to sit through a school day. It would be different with my dad; everything would be fine.

In the end, Rob had sighed and agreed.

With his help, I found my dad, unemployed, living in a shitty apartment with some woman I’d never heard of, apparently raising a couple of her kids. One might’ve been his—I was too upset to get the facts straight. But the worst part was, he didn’t even look happy to see me. To him, I was a nuisance. He invited us in, but we didn’t stay longer than half an hour, after coming all that way. Out in the parking lot, I burst into tears and Rob just hugged me. He didn’t say anything at all, probably because he knew no words could make it better. So there was no way I’d let him disparage himself now when he’d been proving his worth my entire life.

“I remember that,” he said finally.

“Me, too.”

The silence between us was odd and fraught, laced with old memories. I wondered if he had any idea that I used to crouch beneath the banisters and watch him with Katie Everett. In my head, he was still the gold standard for kissing, just endless tenderness without rushing straight for boobs or butt. Though four of the eight guys I’d slept with were good in bed, none had that quintessential Rob patience, and if he’d been that way in high school, his control as a man must be awe-inspiring.

Lucky Avery.

I siphoned the bitterness out of the thought as he studied my face. I’d never noticed him doing that before, but I felt each shift and slip of his gaze, as if his eyes were zoom lenses. My heart thumped so hard in my chest that I was afraid he’d hear it. Really, I should be over this.

“Do you mind if I take some measurements in your bedroom?”

Do anything you want in there.

“Go ahead. I do that all the time for fun. I’m like, ‘I wonder if this wall is ten or eleven feet long. Let’s find out!’” My voice came out manic-perky.

Rob cut me a strange look as he brushed by and headed for the stairs. He was efficient with the tape measuring, checking the spot my new bed would occupy. But having him up here made me want to die because it reinforced every preconception he must have about my maturity. I sat on a stuffed unicorn and hated my life.

But then he surprised me by saying, “I can see why you’re redecorating. It’s been a long time, huh?”

Grateful, I beamed up at him. “Yeah.”

Smiling back, he tapped the tip of my nose. “So when do you want to work on my spreadsheet?”

I shrugged. “It’s not like I have a job. And I meant to tell you, if I was remotely helpful the other day, I’m glad to pitch in again, anytime you need me.”

“If you’re serious, we could get a lot done while Avery’s gone.” His expression suggested this was a prison furlough. Or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part.

I quelled the urge to snap at him to break up with her already. When a guy like Rob committed to a relationship, only C-4 could shake him loose...and questioning his choice might make him determined to dig in.

“Absolutely.” Though I hated myself for wondering, I had to know. “Do you miss her?”

He nodded. “We don’t make sense on paper, but she needs me. That...doesn’t happen a lot. She calls me some nights before bed, says she can’t sleep unless she hears my voice. She’s really funny, too.”

In a mean way, I guessed silently. But these insights actively wounded me, picturing their conversations while Rob lay in bed. Her voice was the last thing he heard, too.

I kept my tone level as I changed the subject. “How about this? We work on remodeling until we’re tired. Then we rest and tackle your budget. When you get sick of that, we resume sanding or whatever.”

“I can’t take up all your time,” he protested.

“What’s a month? I need to keep busy or I’ll doubt my decision to come home.”

“It’s a deal. I’ll have your bed done by next week.”

“Do you deliver?”

“If you need me to.”

So many things I could say. But I forced myself not to be flirty. That was mostly a front anyway, manufactured to keep guys from figuring out how weird and awkward I could be. Left to my own devices, I’d rather watch llama gifs than go to a club. Ironic, since I’d learned all kinds of moves from music videos on the internet. Nadia thought I’d suddenly blossomed in tenth grade, but everything I knew about hair and makeup, I’d learned from YouTube tutorials. I could fake being a regular girl, but really, I was still besties with my laptop and PlayStation, which helped me perfect mad dance skills through gaming.

I grinned. “Considering I’d have to carry it home from your place, yeah.”

“Okay. When do you want to start with this trade-off?”

“Tomorrow?” I suggested.

“Is nine too early?”

With résumés turned in, I had nothing else to do. “Nope. Do you mind picking me up?”

“Not at all.” Rob headed for the door because our business was done, but he paused, wearing a faint frown. “Don’t wear anything cute.”

“Because...we hate cuteness? It—and not money—is the root of all evil?”

To my everlasting delight, he played along. “Truly. In fact, we’d better set off on a world-saving mission instead. You and me, destroying cuteness wherever we find it.”

“We’ll have to burn all the Build-A-Bears. The children will never understand.”

“But that’s why we have to succeed, Lauren. For the children.” His mock-earnest look was so perfect and adorable that if he were my boyfriend, I’d shove him onto my unicorn-strewn purple comforter and do dirty things to him.

I met his gaze and nodded with resigned stoicism. “I’m in.”

For the second time, I made Rob laugh. He pocketed his tape measure and strode toward me, tipping my face up as he would if he meant to kiss me. My heart went nuts, but he pecked my forehead, as I’d seen him do to Nadia a thousand times, usually when she was being a goofball. In that moment I must’ve looked like a deflating balloon.

“Seriously, I just meant—wear something you won’t ruin working on the house.”

I nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

This partnership was probably a terrible idea, but since the universe kept handing me excuses to hang around with Rob, I couldn’t say no. Deep down, I suspected I’d been skating toward my first broken heart since I was thirteen years old, and there was nothing for it now but to make good. I flopped onto my bed with a heavy sigh.

Well then, world. Bring it on.

CHAPTER FOUR

The first week of working with Rob, I got two blisters and we finished his budget.

Though he wasn’t well-off, if he ate at home more and bought dinner for Avery less, it should be simple enough to make his money stretch until construction picked up again in mid-April. If he stuck to the plan, he could sock some away in savings, too. I hadn’t brought it up yet, but I had some ideas on how he could make his money work smarter, better than leaving it in a low-interest bearing savings account anyway.

None of my remodeling tasks was difficult or specialized, but some of them were messy and exhausting. At the end of the day, I was often filthy and on the verge of collapse. At least I’d acquired the knack of being around him without going tongue-tied or blurting the first thing that crossed my mind. However, I liked hanging out with him too much for my own peace of mind while he treated me like a kid sister and had a girlfriend who called every night from Omaha.

The first night, the phone rang at half past six. Rob switched off the power sander and took the call in a rush that would’ve made me superhappy, had I been on the other end of the line. At first, he was smiling, glad to hear from her, but soon his responses shortened to monosyllabic and his shoulders hunched. By the time they were done, fifteen minutes later, all of the light and pleasure had left him.

After that, I asked to leave before six.

“You’re spending a lot of time with Rob,” my mom said, cutting into my thoughts.

I focused on my Salisbury steak and made a noncommittal noise.

She persisted, “Is that wise? You had the biggest crush—”

“I remember,” I interrupted, just a shade sharp.

Her eyes widened. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to butt in, especially when you’ve been so understanding about Stuart.”

I shot her a quizzical look. “About what, exactly? That you’re not ready to introduce us or because you’re dating at all?”

Either way, it didn’t bother me. If her boyfriend would rather not get entangled with the whole faux-family scenario, it was fine by me. I definitely wasn’t looking for a father figure.

“Both. But you just got home, so it feels too soon to bring the two of you together. Once you settle in, I’ll—”

And I tuned her out. If it got serious, I’d look for somewhere else to live. My mom was fine, but I had no interest in cohabitating with her middle-aged boyfriend. But I smiled and nodded because it wasn’t like I resented Mom getting her life together and deciding she didn’t hate all men because of my dad, a healthier attitude by far.

“Did you know Krista Montgomery’s back?” That question snagged my attention.

“No, that’s awesome. For how long?” Krista had been my second closest friend in high school, and our junior year, she’d moved to California with her dad when her parents split.

“Janet didn’t say. But from context, I suspect she’ll be here a while.”

“Context?”

“She’s pregnant.”

“Oh, wow. How far along is she?” That wasn’t what I wanted to know; my curiosity ranged more along the lines of, Is she keeping the kid? What’s the deal with the baby daddy? Why’d she come back to Nebraska? But I hated gossiping about people I liked, so I’d call and talk to Krista, see how she was doing, instead of grilling my mom for secondhand details.

“Six months, according to Janet.”

“Is the landline still the same?” I had the number memorized when I was sixteen, and if I’d forgotten, it should be in my old address book. That was the last thing my dad bought for me before he left, and I’d taken a dorky pride in writing down all my friends’ contact info.

“As far as I know. I only use Janet’s cell these days.”

“I’ll call Krista later.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.”

It was an unspoken agreement that I’d take over the bulk of the housework since I wasn’t contributing anything for groceries or rent, so I cleaned up the kitchen and then picked up the phone. I dialed from memory, and the call went through. Krista answered on the fourth ring, sounding slightly out of breath.

“Moshi moshi.” She’d always been into all things Japanese, from guys to anime.

“Hey, it’s me.” I’d lost count of the times in junior high that we’d done this, before we got cell phones.

“Oh, my God, my mom told me you were back. How awesome is this? How come you didn’t text me?”

“I wasn’t sure if your California phone was still working.”

“Good point, it’s not. I got a new number here, and I meant to message you with it but it’s been nuts getting settled and I just found out you’re back, too.” The last sentence came out in a girlish squeal. She sounded excited and happy, actually, not like a single mother in crisis. “I can’t wait to see you.”

Unlike Nadia’s family, Krista’s mom lived close enough for me to walk. Her house was on the other side of the subdivision, half a mile or so away. As kids, that meant we could hang out without adult facilitation. Proximity contributed to our friendship in the early days but by high school, we genuinely liked each other, and it hurt when she moved.

“I can come over tonight, if you’re not busy.”

“That would be awesome.”

“See you in fifteen minutes.”

Fortunately I’d already showered, rinsing all the remodeling dust off, so I just had to bundle up and grab my purse. “Going to Krista’s,” I called to my mom, who was watching TV in the living room.

“It’s like we’ve gone back in time,” she mumbled.

There were no sidewalks, so I kept to the slushy edges of the road. Minimal traffic meant I wasn’t completely soaked when I rang her bell. She answered the door with a broad smile. Unsurprisingly, she’d cut her hair since I saw her last, but she pulled off the tapered bob. Krista was small, shorter than me by two inches, and she’d always been slim, though the baby had changed her silhouette. Friendly hazel eyes sparkled as she pounced, pulling me into a tight hug.

“Mom, Lauren’s here! We’re going to my room.”

“Is she hungry?” her mom shouted back.

I pitched my voice to carry. “Nope, I just ate.”

“Okay, have fun!”

Bemused, I saw my mom’s point about the time-warp thing. Krista dragged me upstairs, where the familiarity ended. At some point, her mom had erased all traces of her adolescence, maybe because Krista had chosen to go with her dad instead of staying here. I hadn’t been offered that option. Whatever the reason, this was a guest bedroom more than Krista’s space, but it was private when she shut the door behind us.

I perched on the bed, cocking my head at her. “Okay, tell me everything.”

“Wait, you must have a story, too?”

“I bet mine is shorter and significantly less interesting than yours. I flunked out of Mount Albion on purpose so I could come home.”

She wore a puzzled look. “Why didn’t you just admit you hated it and transfer? No need for the flunking.”

“Because I was in denial. I didn’t realize that was why I was doing it until after the ink was dry on my test results.”

Krista plopped on the other end of the bed, resting against the headboard. “You’re right, that’s a superboring story.”

“Then tell a better one.”

“It’s not as racy as people seem to think. My boyfriend’s in the army on deployment in Afghanistan. I didn’t realize I was pregnant before he left, or I’m sure he would’ve proposed. Not that I’d say yes just because of the baby.”

“Does he know?”

“Yeah, I emailed him, and we Skype when he can get a stable connection.” From her expression, that wasn’t as often as she’d like.

“Boy or girl?”

“Girl.”

“And her dad?”

“Private first class, Kenji Nakamura. I met him in San Francisco. Do you want to see a picture?” Her eager expression prompted me to nod.

Krista dug into her purse, got out her cell phone and showed me a veritable slide show, pose after pose of her absent boyfriend. He was a handsome Japanese-American guy who looked even better in uniform. I could see why she’d fallen for him. The uncertainty would probably drive me crazy, though.

“So why the army?” I asked.

“To help with college costs later. His tour will be up next year.” I could tell she was eager for him to leave the service.

“So he enlisted right out of high school?”

“Yep. We’ve been doing the long-distance thing forever, and I’m so sick of it.”

Wow. I didn’t know if I was concerned or impressed that they’d kept the relationship going for so long through such difficult circumstances. For him, it probably wasn’t as much of a sacrifice because he likely didn’t face much temptation in Afghanistan, and it had to help, knowing somebody who loved him was waiting back home.

“Well, he obviously gets leave time now and then.” I smirked.

Krista ducked her head, but she grinned back. “We tend to make the most of it.”

“How does your dad feel?”

Her face fell. “He’s furious. When he found out, he called the baby a blight on my future. He says I can do much better than Kenji.”

That explained why she wasn’t in California anymore. Since I hadn’t met the guy, I couldn’t say if he were the best person for Krista, but she seemed to love him. On the other hand... “How long have you been together?”

“Since my senior year.”

Wow. So she’s been dating this guy since high school, and he’s been gone since graduation. I understood her dad’s reservations, though it wouldn’t be supportive to say so. Part of me wondered if she’d checked out the alternatives. At this point, Krista had less experience than me, which wasn’t a good thing.

But hey, it’s her life.

“I know what you’re thinking,” she said then.

“You do?”

“That we should’ve broken up. I should see other people. Two years ago, we took a break, and...I did. But nobody makes me happy like he does. So we got back together.”

“Gotcha. Well, I bet your dad’s just being protective. That’s his job. Hopefully he’ll get over it by the time the baby gets here. Have you thought about names?”

“So far, we can’t agree on one. My mom was bothering me about delivering on my own, so I finally agreed to move back.” She let out a quiet sigh. “Honestly, she didn’t push much. I was so scared, thinking about doing this by myself.”

“You know I’ll do anything I can to help, right?”

I was thinking more of a baby shower, but Krista perked up. “Really? Mom offered to be in the delivery room, but I can’t handle the thought of her seeing that. I will never understand people who film it. Would you stay with me?”

While your kid’s being born? Shit.

But I’d already offered. So I answered, “Sure. I don’t promise not to freak out, but I’ll hold your hand and feed you ice chips, the whole nine, okay? Are you doing natural childbirth?” I thought there were classes or something, so I was probably too late to be her partner in that.

“Depends on how much it hurts. The idea of a needle in my spine...”

“Right? Welcome to modern medicine.” Though I hadn’t thought much about how I’d handle reproduction down the line, I wasn’t a fan of pain. “So when are you due?”

“Late May.”

“I’ll be there,” I promised.

After that, we went downstairs and joined her mom. We watched TV and made popcorn; Krista put real butter on it, and it was so good that I probably gained five pounds just from the taste. My cell phone complained that I was down to ten percent battery, so I shut it off. It was late when I walked home, but this was Nebraska, and it was only six blocks, so I wasn’t worried. Still, we’d watched horror movies, so I was twitchy by the time I got in the door.

Mom was asleep, so I checked my email. I had the usual spam, plus notes from all my former roomies, which made me happy. I missed all of them, even Max, though things were unspeakably awkward between us at the end. I opened Nadia’s first:

LB! You know I miss you like crazy, right? Courtney’s in your bed right now, and she has completely alphabetized my books. I’m pretty sure there will be a lending library program implemented the next time I get home from work. So how’s Nebraska? Did you find a job yet? Have you started applying to any schools? I have like ten more questions but you’ll get grumpy if I dump them on you all at once. Hug and kiss my family for me, okay? Write back soon or I’m sending my brother to track you down.

She didn’t mention the hot single dad she’d broken up with right before I left. Mr. Hot Ginger had dumped Nadia for her own good, which would drive her quietly crazy. I’d felt horrible about the timing, but there was little I could do about it. I hadn’t gotten to know him well before I left, but Ty seemed like a good guy. He was only a few years older than us, but already had a four-year-old. That was the crux of the conflict.

Writing back, I didn’t quite nail the tone, talking about Rob too much and inventing interesting anecdotes because there was so little going on. I could’ve mentioned Krista, but Nadia had never been as close to her, and there was some tension by the time she’d moved. Mostly I didn’t want Nadia to worry; things would be fine once I got a job and had less time to fret about whether I’d made the right decision.

I opened Angus’s email next:

Hey, you. Got your check. It appears not to be rubber, but I said you didn’t have to pay me back. I hate you for leaving. Come back right now. I’ll wait. This is me, waiting. It’s been at least five minutes. You’re shattering my faith in humanity, Lauren. Take responsibility for it! Not sure what you’ve heard from Nadia, but she’s such a hot mess. I can’t believe you abandoned us. All the light has left my life. All of it! Okay, enough drama. I’m working on getting over Josh. Classes suck but I will survive. (You’re singing it now, aren’t you?)

“Damn you, Angus Starr. You know me too well.” I got up on my bed with a hairbrush and sang two verses before reading on.

In all seriousness, there is a Lauren-sized hole in my life. Please don’t lose touch. Write soon. Love and hugs, Angus.

It was simpler writing back to Angus; our friendship was sweet and uncomplicated. Briefly I considered deleting Max’s email without opening it, but that seemed like an asshole move. In the end, I read it, two lines only:

I’m sorry about everything. Take care of yourself.

Max had nothing to apologize for; if anything, I should be saying that to him. But I couldn’t. So I just closed the email without replying.

Belatedly, I remembered to plug my phone in and when it powered up, I saw I had a message waiting. I dialed into voice mail and listened. Could I come in to interview for the receptionist position? I’d applied for, like, ten jobs, but only the car dealership had called. The months I worked in the fine arts department at Mount Albion must factor into this request. They were likely looking for someone inexperienced so they could offer the lowest possible salary.

It was too late for me to do anything tonight, so I went to bed and checked first thing in the morning. The woman I spoke to asked if I could make it at one-thirty on Thursday, and I said yes, though I was less sure how I’d get there. My mom had a forty-five-minute commute and she needed her car. I obviously had to sort my transportation situation as soon as possible, but my resources wouldn’t stretch to running a vehicle, to say nothing of gas and insurance. The chicken-and-egg problem made me cranky—to get a job, I needed a car, to get a car, I needed a job.

So I was in a mood when Rob picked me up. I didn’t smile at him as I usually did, and I must’ve been distracted, because by the time we parked at his house, he was frowning.

“Are you okay, Lauren?”

My head jerked up. His arm was across the back of the seat, and he’d shifted to face me, one knee crooked away from the steering wheel. It would be so easy to fall into his arms like I did when I was seventeen, but he wasn’t my big brother, so that meant I needed to solve my own problems. I mustered a weak smile.

“Oh, just life, y’know. Shit happens. What excitement do we have in store today?” I reached for the door handle, and to my astonishment, he clicked the lock button.

“Nope.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t accept that answer. Something’s wrong. You should tell me.”