No Place Like Home

Things would settle in time, he knew, so he’d given his wife a gentle kiss, taken her hand and tried to forget that his kid sister’s best friend was now no longer a kid and had a soft, unbelievably sexy voice.

That night, he’d lain in bed, guilt eating him up. Cyndi might not have been the woman that his family and friends would have chosen for him but he loved her, and he was, and always would be, a one-woman man. He’d put the phone call out of his mind and replaced it instead with an image of the two girls as annoying nine-year-olds. It had worked. Ellie had become just his kid sister’s best friend again. But he’d always enjoyed her company and would be glad to see her again now.

‘Ben, there’s something you should know first,’ Sandy began as she turned and hung Cyndi’s butter-soft, full-length leather coat on the hook. ‘Ellie’s …’ Sandy turned back to finish her explanation. Ben and Cyndi had gone.

‘Damn!’ She hurried after them, entering the kitchen just as Ellie responded to the call of her name.

‘Jesus Christ!’ Ben exclaimed.

Ellie’s bruised face was a mixture of shock, horror and embarrassment. She wasn’t expecting to see Ben or his perfect-looking wife – and certainly not unprepared like this. Heavy silence hung in the air for a second, all of them unmoving.

‘Excuse me,’ Ellie said, faintly, her head low as she fumbled for the back-door handle, trying to exit with as much dignity as she could, although right now she felt like the little she’d clung on to had just been totally shredded.

Walking almost blindly down the garden, she hurried along the path that wound through the large space towards the ancient, gnarled tree at the end. A rope swing hung from one of its thick branches. Ellie sat heavily on its wooden seat, worn and shiny with use. The wind rustled the leaves and gently creaked the swing to and fro. The breeze felt good on her face, exposed as it was now in this safe, hidden corner. In her mind, she saw again the shock and horror on Ben’s face, the revulsion on Cyndi’s, and closed her eyes. She felt ugly, her face hurt, and her whole body felt like she’d been run over by a truck. Right now, all she wanted was to curl up in a dark corner and stay there.

Back in the kitchen, Sandy had already exploded at her brother. ‘Great! Thanks a lot, Ben!’ Ben turned and stared at his sister, unable to think for a moment.

‘What happened to her face?’ Cyndi asked, her nose still screwed up in distaste.

Sandy was in no mood to be patient or polite. ‘Her ex-boyfriend happened to her face. He had a bad day so he came home and beat the crap out of Ellie. Again! And right now, she’s feeling pretty fragile and worthless and unattractive and both your reactions have really helped, so thank you so much!’ she yelled, fury making her accent thick.

‘Well, I guess she doesn’t exactly look that attractive at the moment,’ Cyndi blurted.

Sandy’s eyes widened and she opened her mouth, about to unleash a torrent at her sister-in-law but Ben got there first.

‘Be quiet, Cyndi,’ he said softly, before heading to the door that Ellie had just left through. Closing it behind him, he left the two women alone in the kitchen.

Sandy stood staring at Cyndi for a moment, anger still flashing in her dark eyes. Keeping her thoughts to herself, for Ben’s sake more than anyone else’s, she stalked across the hall to the study and slammed the door, leaving Cyndi alone.

*

Ben had never felt so sorry in all his life. Just the bombshell of seeing Ellie like that, so bruised and battered, had stunned him. And then, as she’d looked from him to his wife and then Sandy, like a fawn caught in headlights, not knowing which way to run, he’d felt an overwhelming desire to pull her to him, kiss her battered face, and promise that no one would ever hurt her again, that he would always keep her safe. The shock of that unbidden thought had kept him entirely rooted to the spot. The picture he’d kept in his mind of the annoying nine-year-olds had now been totally obliterated by the image of the woman in front of him.

She was sitting on their old swing, bare feet dangling above the ground, head resting on the twisted rope support as one slow, sad tear rolled down her face. He stopped and watched her for a moment. Despite what his wife had said, Ben could see through the bruising, and, as he stood there, what he saw was a beautiful woman. And what he felt terrified him.

Ellie caught his presence from the corner of her eye and turned her head a little more towards the rope, away from him.

‘Ellie? Ellie honey, I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s OK. Really.’ She shook her head in forgiveness but declined to look at him. Ben felt worse.

‘No. No it’s not.’ His voice was soft as he walked over and hunkered down in front of the swing. Still, she kept her head turned away. ‘It was insensitive. I – I was just shocked, I guess.’

‘That makes two of us then.’ A ghost of a half-smile showed on her lips but she refused to meet his eyes.

‘Hey, there’s that smile.’ Ellie didn’t respond. ‘Are you going to look at me?’ he asked softly. He tentatively rested his hand on hers and, after a moment, she curled a single finger around it.

She shook her head and the salty tear dropped and landed on Ben’s jeans, a dark blob on the faded denim.

‘Why not?’

Her voice cracked as she whispered her reply. ‘I don’t even want to look at me.’

‘Oh, sweetheart,’ Ben whispered as he stood, gently pulling her up with him as he did so, wrapping his arms around her. ‘It’s OK. Everything’s OK now. I promise.’

It was all that was needed to breach the fragile dam she had built in an attempt to keep back the flood of emotions bursting within her. Feeling secure in her friend’s strong embrace, hidden from the world, Ellie began to sob. Great painful issues wracked her whole body as Ben curled his palm around the back of her head, holding her close as she let out the frustration and pain, the disappointment and fear that she’d been doing her best to hide from. Broken words filtered out every now and then, but she was so upset Ben couldn’t make them out, so he just held her until she had cried herself out.

Ellie pulled away from him, searching self-consciously in her skirt pocket for a handkerchief. Finding one, she wiped her eyes and nose, keeping her gaze lowered.

‘Oh no,’ A look of concern furrowed her brow as she pointed at his shirt.

A large wet patch showed just below the shoulder where she had buried her head. Ben looked down and smiled, trying not to die a little bit at the worry he saw in her expression.

‘It’ll dry.’ He shrugged.

‘I’m so sorry. I—’

‘It’s OK,’ he interrupted. ‘Really. Needed a wash anyway.’

Slowly, gently, he placed one finger under her chin and tipped her face to his. ‘I said it’s OK.’

Finally, she lifted his eyes to meet his. Ben looked down into those startling green eyes, now swollen and red-rimmed. One was still half closed and surrounded by a rainbow-coloured bruise, as was her temple and jaw.

‘How could anyone do this?’

‘Please don’t. You’ll start me off again.’

He nodded, forcing a smile that thankfully, this time, received the smallest of ones in reply as she held the gaze momentarily.

*

Cyndi and Ben had stayed to dinner but Sandy had put Ellie to bed as soon as she returned from the garden with Ben, saying she’d bring her something to eat later. The tearstains on Ellie’s face and her brother’s shirt had told enough of the story.

‘I’m not tired, Sands.’

‘I know but you’re having a rest anyway,’ Sandy replied, ignoring the protest and pulling the cover over her friend.

‘You’re worse than my mum!’

‘I’ll check on you later.’ Sandy smiled, kissing her friend on the forehead before leaving the room.

Ellie lay on the bed and watched the evening sun painting colours in the sky. She really wasn’t tired but her head was pounding from all the crying. Maybe closing her eyes would make it go away.

*

Ben walked out with Sandy to collect their coats.

‘I really didn’t mean to upset her. You know I wouldn’t have done that for the world.’

‘I know.’ Sandy hugged him. ‘Ellie knows that too. Actually, although it probably wasn’t the kindest way of going about it, I think it did her good. She’s been trying to be brave and strong when she really needed to just give in and release it all. Start afresh from there.’

‘I guess.’

‘And your complete lack of tact seemed to do the trick!’

Ben looked pained. Then he caught the glint in her eye and pulled a face. Shoving the two coats at her.

‘I’m going to say goodbye to Ellie. It could be another decade before I see her again.’

‘OK. Don’t wake her if she’s still sleeping though.’

Ben tapped lightly on the door and pushed it when there was no response. She was lying, half on her back and half on her side, one arm cuddling a pillow. Her head was turned away from the window towards the door. Towards him. He knew he should leave but he couldn’t. Not just yet.

‘Is she still asleep?’ Sandy poked her head around the door.

Ben flushed, glad of the low light. ‘Yeah,’ he whispered back

Sandy entered the room and stood at Ben’s side, then looked down at her friend’s sleeping form,

‘She looks peaceful. That’s good.’ From the corner of her eye, she saw her brother’s face twitch in anger. Nudging him, she derailed his thoughts. ‘Come on. She wouldn’t appreciate us spying on her.’

Ben looked back at Ellie, stepped across and momentarily covered her hand with his own. She didn’t stir.

‘Bye, Ellie,’ he whispered.

Sandy quickly closed the shutters and then followed her brother out, shutting the door behind her. Ben hadn’t moved.

‘Why did she let him do this?’ True confusion showed in Ben’s clear blue eyes. Sandy couldn’t help her surprise. This wasn’t like Ben. Normally, he just dealt with things, fixed what he could and accepted what he couldn’t. Taking things in his stride had always been his thing. However, his comment made her frown.

‘I don’t think she had much of a choice in the matter, Ben. It’s not like she asked him to do it!’

‘No, of course not. I didn’t mean that. I just meant, why didn’t she get out sooner. She was with him, what, over two years? He must have done this before. You said yourself that you think she had more trouble with him than she let on. Why didn’t she just leave? She’s bright and funny, and beautiful. Why’d she put up with it?’

‘Well,’ Sandy said slowly, ‘she thought she loved him. And when you love someone, I guess it’s easier to find excuses not to leave.’

‘Ben?’ Cyndi called up the stairs, that pout back on her face.

Ben looked down, startled. Molly, having returned, was stood behind her and the expression on her son’s face unsettled her. He ran a hand through his hair before pasting on a smile on for his wife, then jogged down the staircase, lifting their coats from the banister on the way. After helping Cyndi into hers, Ben shrugged into his own and headed out into the night.

Chapter 3

‘Hey.’

‘Hi,’ Ellie replied a little groggily, squinting against the sunshine streaming in to the bright kitchen.

‘Sleep OK?’ Sandy asked, pouring her friend a juice from the glass jug that stood on the table.

‘A little too well, I think.’ Ellie pulled a face as she inclined her head towards the clock on the wall. Sandy waved her hand. ‘Don’t worry about it. Looks like the rest did you good. You look brighter today.’

Ellie raised her one unbruised eyebrow in disbelief.

‘Seriously.’

‘She’s right,’ Molly said, bustling into the kitchen and taking charge of the pans on the stove. She paused for a moment and turned, meeting Ellie’s eyes. ‘Sometimes we want to keep everything inside when really it just all needs to come out so that we can start healing. Physically and mentally.’ Ellie flushed and dropped her gaze. ‘What a way to do it though,’ she said, taking a sip of her orange juice.

Sandy and her mother exchanged a glance. Molly turned off the heat under the pan and crossed the kitchen, taking the seat next to Ellie. Reaching out, she took her hand, holding it within her own.

‘What is it that you’re worried about?’

Ellie felt the tears build in her eyes once more. Snatching a napkin from the table, she pressed it to them for a second.

‘I just feel …’

Molly and Sandy waited.

Ellie took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. ‘It’s just that … Ben, of all people!’

‘Ben cares about you. He always has.’

‘Yes. But … it’s not like I really know him anymore. I only saw him a couple of times after we moved back to England and I think the last time I actually even talked to him, apart from the quick thank you on the phone that time, was probably over ten years ago. And then I go and do a hysterical blubbing act on a huge music star’s designer shirt.’

‘He felt awful about upsetting you. Anything he could do to make up for that, he would have done willingly. Besides, Ben is still Ben. Just because more people know his name and face doesn’t mean he’s changed any,’ Sandy replied.

‘He didn’t upset me. I just … I just wasn’t expecting to see anyone else and it took me by surprise. Please explain that when you talk to him – unless they’re due to visit again?’

Ellie wasn’t sure how she felt about that particular circumstance. Sandy was right. She did feel better in a way, but not necessarily better enough to come face to face with the celebrity she’d noisily sobbed all over the previous evening.

Sandy nodded. ‘He’s heading off today on some promo thing so I don’t think they’ll be around for a little while now but I’ll be sure to tell him. I promise.’

Molly smiled and patted Ellie’s hand. ‘Right. Breakfast!’ she said, standing.

‘I’ll just get some cereal,’ Ellie said, making to follow her. That’s plenty.’

Molly laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. ‘Not in this house. You should know that by now.’

Ellie sat back down and couldn’t help smiling. She did know that by now. Her many visits, both when living next door and thousands of miles away, had taught her that. And when delicious smells began wafting her way as Molly sang to herself at the stove, she looked over at Sandy and gave a smile.

Across the table, Sandy returned it, seeing the beginnings of change and feeling her heart lighten just a touch at that glimmer. Last night she could have punched her adored older brother but right now, she would have hugged him. Whatever he did or didn’t do, whatever he said or didn’t say, had helped her best friend take another step in the right direction. For that, she would be ever thankful to him.

*

Ben had loved his house as soon as he saw it. Sadly, it hadn’t been the new start with Cyndi that he’d hoped it would be. In fact, the day he’d taken her out there, not long after Ellie’s visit, his wife had hated it on sight.

‘You what?’ Cyndi had snapped. Her perfectly made up eyes, complete with overlong false lashes stared up at him, the expression in them hard.

‘I bought it.’

‘Without asking me?’

‘I wanted it to be a surprise.’

‘Well! It’s certainly that!’ she snorted.

‘There’s stables and a garden and—’

‘I know what’s here, Ben.’ Cyndi cut him off. ‘We came before, but you said you were looking at it for a friend.’ She gave a cursory glance around before meeting her husband’s eyes. ‘There’s no way I’m living here.’

‘You said it was nice when we came before.’

‘That’s because I didn’t know you were thinking of buying it! I guess it is nice if you like this kind of thing.’

‘Look, honey,’ Ben had tried to reason, ‘just give it a chance. I could even teach you to ride.’

‘I don’t want you to teach me to ride! Horses make me itch.’

Ben took a deep breath. ‘OK … so how about this? We don’t have to live here all the time. Just some of it. Have it as a place to come back to, away from the city and the noise and everything. A quiet retreat, you know.’

‘So what I want doesn’t matter? Is that what you’re saying?’

Ben looked confused. ‘Wait … what? No. That’s not what I said at all.’ He ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure how she’d got that from what he’d just said. ‘You know that’s not true.’ He walked up to his wife and looked at her perfectly made-up face. A beautiful face and body in the perfect dress and shoes, with the perfect hair. She was everything he’d wanted. Wasn’t she?

The late summer wind blew around them. Somewhere deep inside his head a little voice pointed out that, despite the breeze, not one strand of Cyndi’s hair was moving. Ben lifted his fingers and touched her hair – it was almost rigid. She jumped back as though he’d burned her.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ she squealed, ‘You know I hate people touching my hair!’

‘I just …’ Ben knew his answer would sound ridiculous so chose not to finish the sentence. Cyndi was still staring at him, an incredulous look on her face as she nervously patted her hair.

‘Have you been drinking?’

‘Nope,’ Ben said quietly, lowering himself onto the steps of the porch before looking back up at his wife. She looked down and he noted that she seemed uncomfortable. Out of place.

‘Sit by me?’

She raised an exquisite brow. ‘It’s filthy!’

Ben turned his head and glanced down at the steps. They were kind of dusty. ‘It’s only dust. It’ll brush off.’ Cyndi let out a theatrical sigh. ‘Have you any idea how much this dress cost? Maybe if you ever wore something other than your jeans it might occur to you not to sit on the ground either.’

Ben didn’t know how much it cost. Only that he had paid for it. Something that had never bothered him. He’d just wanted to make Cyndi happy. Unfortunately, that particular task had only got more and more difficult each day of their marriage.

‘You never used to mind the way I dressed,’ Ben said, as he made little piles of dust with the toe of his boot.

‘Ben, sweetie,’ Cyndi wheedled, crouching beside him. He took it as an offer of compromise and knew it was as near to sitting on the floor as she was ever going to get. ‘I’m just saying that you’re successful enough to wear nice things.’

‘You mean I have enough money to buy a tie for ten thousand bucks and should wear it just ‘cos it’s designed by some guy who happens to be top of the fashion tree this month.’

‘Well!’ Cyndi stood up and began smoothing away imaginary creases. ‘If you’re not prepared to take this seriously—’

‘Cyndi, I am taking this seriously, but this is me. This is who I am. I like my jeans and my boots and my hat. That’s what I feel comfortable in and I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that. It’s how you met me, and I’m sorry if you’re now ashamed of me because of it.’

‘Of course, I’m not ashamed of you, honey.’ She touched his arm. ‘I just think you have more potential.’

‘Potential?’ Ben looked back up in confusion.

‘You know, the advertising contracts you’ve been offered and—’

Ben cut her off. ‘Is it all about the money to you? Is that all we mean? All I mean to you?’

Cyndi looked taken aback. Ben never lost his temper with her. In fact, he rarely lost it ever. But she could see the anger – and maybe hurt – flashing in his eyes now. Inside she felt a little twinge that possibly she was responsible for that hurt. But still. She spent so much time and money on her appearance to look good for him and then he wanted her to hide out here in the back of beyond! And had the audacity to snap at her when she voiced an opinion on it!

‘That’s unfair!’ Cyndi spat back. Her eyes were dry but she was working on that.

‘Oh man,’ Ben whispered under his breath.

‘Sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all! About what I want! What makes me happy!’ Cyndi began, still endeavouring to force the waterworks. ‘Trying to force me to live in the middle of nowhere when you know I’d hate it! All you care about is that you’ve got a pretty face hanging on your arm!’

Ben was stunned into silence. When he regained his voice, it was soft. ‘Is that really what you think?’

‘Yes! That’s really what I think!’ His wife spun on her five-inch, red soled stilettos and tottered off, the strut of her tantrum rather undermined by the insecurity of the spiked heels on the uneven ground. Ben followed her to the car.

‘Do you think I don’t love you?’

‘I don’t know!’ She threw in a sniff for extra effect.

‘You know I’d never try and force you – or anyone – into doing something they didn’t want to. Surely you know that about me by now?’

She gave a shrug. Ben let out a sigh and shook his head.

‘Cyndi.’ He kissed her gently on the forehead. ‘Look, you go back to the apartment tonight. I’ll stay here and go see the real estate agent in the morning. We don’t have to keep the house.’ There was a pause. ‘I just thought you’d like it. That it’d be a great place to bring kids up in.’ He waited a beat, knowing that deep down, a part of him was hoping she would relent and say OK, that perhaps they would try living here for a while but the deal was done as far as Cyndi was concerned. She’d won. Again. As usual. She nodded as she fished out a compact from her Hermés crocodile Birkin bag and reapplied her lipstick. There was no trace of the tears.

‘OK, I’ll see you tomorrow then.’

He nodded then helped her into the Porsche and shut the door. She sped off down the unsealed drive, kicking up even more dust. As it lazily settled around him, Ben looked down at his jeans, removed his hat and beat at them half-heartedly with it.

Turning, he let his gaze settle on the house. His beautiful house. He’d fallen in love with it the moment he’d seen it and had been hopeful of a new start there. Walking back across, he took up his seat again on the steps and looked out onto the wheat fields that backed up to his land. The golden curtain danced and waved in the breeze. Soon it would be harvesting time and he’d been looking forward to watching as the huge machines worked their way along the crop. The process had fascinated him as a boy and still held allure for him all these years later. His eyes drifted over the rest of the landscape. There was so much space, so much land, so much sky. It was wonderful. He didn’t understand how Cyndi couldn’t love it. Couldn’t get his head around why she would prefer to live in the city with the constant noise and people and traffic.

Cyndi was born in the city and had no desire to leave. He was born a country boy and would always stay one, in his heart at least. In that, it seemed, they would always differ.

A thought popped into his head. Now that Cyndi would be back at their apartment, he ought to ring Sandy and let her know she didn’t need to go to the apartment and feed the cat. Housekeeping wasn’t due in today and when Ben had told Sandy about his plans to take Cyndi out to the new house and surprise her, hoping that they would stay out there a few days, Sandy had volunteered to head over and see that their pet was fed.

‘Well, I certainly surprised her!’ He sighed aloud to himself, leaning his head back against one of the porch supports as he closed his eyes. The only noise was the wind as it played gently with the crop. He’d never felt so comfortable in a place. Never had such a feeling of being exactly where he was supposed to be as he did right now.

Opening his eyes, the reality hit him. There was no way Cyndi would live here – or anywhere like it. The moment she knew it was theirs and not merely a chance to see where someone else might be living – what someone else might have – she hadn’t even wanted to set foot inside.

Ben knew his only option was to return to the city. He tried to push away the twist in his stomach at that knowledge. Tried to ignore the thought of how miserable he found constant city life, and how much more free and alive he felt when he was out here, in the wide open spaces he’d loved his whole life. He pushed a hand through his hair in frustration. He needed to leave. Staying at this house was only making him want it more. Better just to head back and call the real estate agent tomorrow.