Алиса в стране чудес / Alice in Wonderland

“You don’t know much,” said the Duchess; “and that’s a fact.”

Alice did not like the tone of this remark. Meanwhile the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire, and began to throw everything at the Duchess and the baby—saucepans, plates, and dishes.

“Oh, please, don’t do it!” cried Alice in terror. “Oh, his precious nose!”

“Mind your own business[42],” the Duchess said in a hoarse growl. “Oh, don’t bother me! Here! You may nurse it a bit, if you like!” the Duchess said to Alice, and threw the baby at her. “I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen,” and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went out.

Alice caught the baby with some difficulty. She carried it out into the open air.

“If I don’t take this child away with me,” thought Alice, “they will kill it in a day or two: it is murder to leave it there.”

She said the last words out loud, and the baby grunted in reply.

“Don’t grunt,” said Alice, “that’s impolite.”

The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face. The baby sobbed (or grunted, it was impossible to say which), and they went on in silence.

“Now, what shall I do with the baby when I get it home?” said Alice when it grunted again. She looked down into its face. No mistake about it: it was a pig, and it was quite absurd for her to carry it further.

So she set the little pig down, and it trotted away quietly into the wood.

“It is a dreadfully ugly child,” she said to herself, “but it is a handsome pig, I think.”

And she began to remember the children she knew, who might be good pigs.

“But how to change them?”

Suddenly she saw the Cheshire Cat. The Cat was sitting on a bough of a tree. The Cat grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she thought: but it had very long claws and many teeth.

“Cheshire Cat,” she began, rather timidly, and the Cat only grinned a little wider. “Can you tell me, please, where to go?”

“That depends on where you want to go,” said the Cat.

“I don’t care where,” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

“I want to get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.

“Oh, you will do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

Alice tried another question[43].

“What people live here?”

“In this direction,” the Cat said, “lives a Hatter[44]: and in that direction, lives a March Hare[45]. Visit them: they’re both mad.”

“But I don’t want to see mad people,” Alice remarked.

“Oh, we’re all mad here,” said the Cat. “I’m mad. You’re mad.”

“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.

“You must be,” said the Cat, “you are here.”

“And how do you know that you’re mad?” she went on.

“A dog is not mad,” said the Cat, “Do you believe that?”

“I suppose so,” said Alice.

“Well, then,” the Cat went on, “you see, a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?”

“With pleasure,” said Alice, “but I do not have an invitation.”

“You’ll see me there,” said the Cat, and vanished.

Alice was not much surprised at this. While she was looking at the place where the cat was, it suddenly appeared again.

“And what became of the baby?” said the Cat. “I forgot to ask.”

“It turned into a pig,” Alice quietly said.

“Of course,” said the Cat, and vanished again.

Alice waited a little, but the Cat did not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the March Hare lived.

“I saw hatters,” she said to herself; “the March Hare is more interesting.”

As she said this, she looked up, and there was the Cat again. It was sitting on a branch of a tree.

“Did you say pig, or fig?” said the Cat.

“I said pig,” replied Alice; “can you appear and vanish not so fast, please?”

“All right,” said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly. It began with the end of the tail, and ended with the grin. Its grin remained some time.

“Well! I saw a cat without a grin,” thought Alice; “but a grin without a cat! How curious!”

She went farther and she saw the house of the March Hare. The chimneys were like ears and the roof was thatched with fur. It was a large house, and she ate a bit of the mushroom, and raised herself to about two feet high.

Chapter VII

A Mad Tea-Party[46]

There was a table under a tree in front of the house, and the March Hare and the Hatter were having tea: a Dormouse[47] was sitting between them, fast asleep. The March Hare and the Hatter were using it as a cushion. They were resting their elbows on it, and talking over its head.

“Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse,” thought Alice; “but it’s asleep, so, I suppose it doesn’t mind[48].”

The table was large, but they were sitting together at one corner of it: “No room! No room!” they cried out when they saw Alice.

“There’s plenty of room!” said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table.

“Have some wine,” the March Hare said.

Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea.

“I don’t see any wine,” she remarked.

“There isn’t any,” said the March Hare.

“Why do you offer? It isn’t very polite of you,” said Alice angrily.

“It isn’t very polite of you to sit down here: nobody invited you,” said the March Hare.

“I didn’t know it was your table,” said Alice; “there are many cups on it.”

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide and said, “Why is a raven like a writing-desk[49]?”

“I believe I can guess that!” said Alice aloud.

“Do you mean that you think you can answer?” said the March Hare.

“Exactly so,” said Alice.

“Then you must say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.

“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.”

“Not the same thing at all!” said the Hatter. “You can say ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!”

“You can say,” added the March Hare, “that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!”

“You can say,” added the Dormouse in its sleep, “that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!”

“It is the same thing to you,” said the Hatter, and here the conversation dropped, and they sat silent for a minute.

“What day of the month is it?” the Hatter asked. He took his watch out of his pocket. He was looking at it, shaking it and holding it to his ear.

Alice considered a little, and then said “The fourth.”

“Two days wrong!” sighed the Hatter. “Listen to me: you must not use the butter!” he looked angrily at the March Hare.

“It was the best butter,” the March Hare meekly replied.

“Yes, but there were some crumbs,” the Hatter grumbled: “you used the bread-knife.”

The March Hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily: then he dipped it into his cup of tea, and looked at it again.

“It was the best butter, you know,” he said again.

Alice looked over his shoulder with some curiosity.

“What a funny watch!” she remarked. “It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell the time!”

“Why?” muttered the Hatter. “Does your watch tell you what year it is?”

“Of course not,” Alice replied very readily: “but that’s because my year is very long.”

“But my year is also long,” said the Hatter.

“I don’t quite understand you,” Alice said.

“The Dormouse is sleeping again,” said the Hatter, and he poured a little hot tea upon its nose.

The Dormouse shook its head, and said, “Of course, of course; it’s just what I was going to say.”

“What about the riddle?” asked the Hatter.

“I can’t guess,” Alice replied: “what’s the answer?”

“No idea,” said the Hatter.

“Nor I,” said the March Hare.

“What’s the time?” asked Alice.

“It’s always six o’clock now,” the Hatter answered. “It’s always tea-time, and we have no time to wash the dishes.”

“Then you move round, I suppose?” said Alice.

“Exactly so,” said the Hatter.

“But what happens when you come to the beginning again?” Alice asked.

“Let’s change the subject,” the March Hare interrupted. “The young lady will tell us a story, right?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know one,” said Alice.

“Then the Dormouse will tell us something,” cried the Hatter and the March Hare. “Wake up, Dormouse!”

And they pinched it on both sides at once.

The Dormouse slowly opened his eyes.

“I wasn’t asleep,” it said in a hoarse, feeble voice: “I heard every word.”

“Tell us a story!” said the March Hare.

“Yes, please do!” pleaded Alice.

“And be quick,” added the Hatter.

“Once upon a time there were three little sisters,” the Dormouse began in a great hurry; “and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie[50]; and they lived at the bottom of a well…”

“What did they eat or drink?” asked Alice.

“They drank treacle,” said the Dormouse.

“They couldn’t do that, you know,” Alice gently remarked; “Were they ill?”

“Yes, they were,” said the Dormouse; “very ill.”

Alice went on: “But why did they live at the bottom of a well?”

“Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice.

“I did not drink anything,” Alice replied, “so I can’t take more.”

“You mean you can’t take LESS,” said the Hatter: “it’s very easy to take MORE than nothing.”

“Nobody asked your opinion,” said Alice.

Alice took some tea and a bread-and-butter, and then turned to the Dormouse, and repeated her question. “Why did they live at the bottom of a well?”

The Dormouse said, “It was a treacle-well.”

“It’s impossible!” Alice was very angry, but the Hatter and the March Hare went “Sh! sh!” and the Dormouse sulkily remarked, “If you can’t be civil, finish the story for yourself.”

“No, please go on!” Alice said very humbly; “I won’t interrupt again.”

“And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw[51], you know,” said the Dormouse.

“What did they draw?” said Alice. She forgot her promise.

“Treacle,” said the Dormouse.

“I want a clean cup,” interrupted the Hatter: “let’s all move.”

He moved on, and the Dormouse followed him: the March Hare moved into the Dormouse’s place, and Alice took the place of the March Hare.

Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began very cautiously:

“But I don’t understand. Where did they draw the treacle from?”

“You can draw water out of a water-well,” said the Hatter; “so I think you can draw treacle out of a treacle-well, eh, stupid?”

“But they were IN the well,” Alice said to the Dormouse.

“Of course they were”, said the Dormouse; “they were learning to draw, and they drew everything that begins with an M.”

“Why with an M?” said Alice.

“Why not?” said the March Hare.

Alice was silent.

The Dormouse had closed its eyes by this time. The Hatter pinched it, it woke up again with a little shriek, and went on: “that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the moon, and memory, and muchness[52]—did you see muchness?”

“Muchness?” said Alice, very much confused, “I don’t think—”

“Then don’t talk,” said the Hatter.

Alice got up and walked off; the Dormouse fell asleep instantly, and nobody called after the girl. They were trying to put the Dormouse into the teapot.

“I’ll never go there again!” said Alice. “It’s the stupidest tea-party in the world!”

Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees had a door.

“That’s very curious!” she thought. “But everything’s curious today. I think I may go in.”

And in she went.

Once more she found herself[53] in the long hall, and close to the little glass table. She took the little golden key, and unlocked the door that led into the garden. She walked down the little passage, and then she found herself in the beautiful garden, among the bright flowers and the cool fountains.

Chapter VIII

The Queen’s Croquet-Ground

A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it. They were painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them, and when she came up to them she heard the voice, “Look out now[54], Five! Don’t splash the paint over me!’

“That’s not my fault,” said Five, in a sulky tone; “Seven jogged my elbow.”

Seven looked up and said, “That’s not right, Five!”

“Do not talk!” said Five. “Queen said yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!”

“What for?”

“That’s none of your business[55], Two!” said Seven.

“Yes, it is his business!” said Five, “and I’ll tell him—he brought the cook tulip-roots[56]instead of onions.”

Seven noticed Alice. The others looked round also, and all of them bowed low[57].

“Can you tell me,” said Alice, a little timidly, “why you are painting those roses?”

Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began in a low voice, “The fact is, you see, Miss, the Queen ordered to plant a red rose-tree, and we planted a white tree by mistake. If the Queen sees it, our heads will be cut off[58], you know. So you see, Miss—”

At this moment Five called out “The Queen! The Queen!” There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice looked round, she wanted to see the Queen.

First came ten soldiers with clubs[59]; these were all like the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands and feet at the corners. Next came the ten courtiers[60] with diamonds. After these came the royal children; there were ten of them. Next came the guests, Kings and Queens, and among them Alice recognised the White Rabbit. Then followed the Knave of Hearts[61], he was carrying the King’s crown on a crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came The King and Queen Of Hearts[62].

Alice stood where she was and waited.

When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen said severely “Who is this?” She said it to the Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled in reply.

“Idiot!” said the Queen; and she turned to Alice, “What’s your name, child?”

“My name is Alice, your Majesty,” said Alice very politely; but she added, to herself, “They’re only a pack of cards. No need to be afraid of them!”

“And who are these?” the Queen pointed to the three gardeners.

“How could I know?” said Alice. “It’s not my business.”

The Queen turned crimson with fury, and screamed “Off with her head[63]! Off!”

“Nonsense!” said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was silent.

The King laid his hand upon her arm, and timidly said “My dear: she is only a child!”

The Queen turned angrily. Then she turned to the rose-tree, and asked, “What were you doing here?”

“Your Majesty,” said Two, in a very humble tone, “we were trying—”

“I see!” said the Queen, who was looking at the roses. “Off with their heads!”

And the procession moved on, three of the soldiers went to the unfortunate gardeners, who ran to Alice for protection.

“I shall save you!” said Alice, and she put them into a large flower-pot that stood near. Three soldiers wandered about for a minute or two, and then quietly marched away.

“What about their heads?” shouted the Queen.

“Their heads are gone, your Majesty!” the soldiers shouted in reply.

“That’s right!” shouted the Queen. “Can you play croquet?”

The soldiers were silent, and looked at Alice.

“Yes!” shouted Alice.

“Come on, then!” roared the Queen, and Alice joined the procession.

“It’s—It’s a very fine day!” said a timid voice. It was the White Rabbit, who was peeping anxiously into her face.

“Very,” said Alice, “where’s the Duchess?”

“Hush! Hush!” said the Rabbit in a low, hurried tone. He put his mouth close to her ear and whispered “She’s under sentence of execution[64].”

“What for?” said Alice.

“Did you say ‘What a pity!’?” the Rabbit asked.

“No, I didn’t,” said Alice: “I don’t think it’s a pity. I said ‘What for?’”

“She boxed the Queen’s ears[65],” the Rabbit began. Alice laughed.

“Oh, hush!” the Rabbit whispered in a frightened tone. “The Queen will hear you! You see, she came late, and the Queen said—”

“Get to your places!” shouted the Queen in a voice of thunder. It was a very curious croquet-ground! It was all ridges and furrows[66]; the balls were hedgehogs, the mallets were flamingoes, and the soldiers were the arches.

The players all played at once, nobody was waiting for his turn. They were quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the hedgehogs. The Queen was furious and shouting “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” once in a minute.

Alice noticed a curious appearance in the air. It was a grin, and Alice said to herself “It’s the Cheshire Cat: now I have somebody to talk to.”

“How are you getting on[67]?” said the Cat, when its mouth appeared.

“I don’t think they play croquet,” Alice began, “and they all quarrel so dreadfully!”

“How do you like the Queen?” said the Cat in a low voice.

“Not at all,” said Alice: “she’s a—”

Just then she noticed that the Queen was near. The Queen was listening. So Alice went on, “—a very good player, I think I can’t win.”

The Queen smiled.

“Who are you talking to?” said the King. He was looking at the Cat’s head with great curiosity.

“It’s my friend—a Cheshire Cat,” said Alice, “let me introduce it.”

“I don’t like it at all,” said the King, “however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.”

“I do not want it,” the Cat remarked.

“Don’t be impertinent,” said the King, “and don’t look at me like that!”

“A cat may look at a king,” said Alice. “I read that in some book, but I don’t remember where.”

“Well, I want to remove it,” said the King very decidedly, and he called the Queen, “My dear! Please remove this cat!”

The Queen had only one answer.

“Off with his head!” she said.

“Very well,” said the King eagerly.

Alice watched the game. Three of the players were executed, and she did not like it at all. When she looked at the Cheshire Cat, she was very surprised. A large crowd collected round it. There was a dispute between the executioner, the King, and the Queen.

The executioner said that it impossible to cut off a cat’s head, because it did not have a body. The King said that every head can be cut off. The Queen said that the best decision was to cut off all their heads.

Alice said, “The Cat belongs to the Duchess: let us ask her about it.”

“She’s in prison,” the Queen said to the executioner: “fetch her here.”

And the executioner went away like an arrow.

The Cat’s head began to fade away. Soon it entirely disappeared. So everybody went back to the game.

Chapter IX

The Mock Turtle’s[68] Story

“You can’t think how glad I am to see you again, my dear!” said the Duchess to Alice, and they walked together.

Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that made her so angry.

“When I am a Duchess,” she said to herself, “I won’t have any pepper in my kitchen at all. Maybe it’s always pepper that makes people hot-tempered,” she went on, “and vinegar that makes them sour—and camomile that makes them bitter—and—and barley-sugar that makes children sweet-tempered—”

“You’re thinking about something, my dear,”—said the Duchess, “and you forget to talk. I can’t tell you now what the moral of that is.”

“Perhaps there is no moral at all,” Alice remarked.

“What?” said the Duchess. “Everything has got a moral, if only you can find it.”

And she went closer to Alice’s side as she spoke.

Alice did not like it very much, because the Duchess was very ugly; and because she had a very sharp chin. However, Alice did not like to be rude.

“The game’s going on,” she said to keep up the conversation[69] a little.

“Exactly,” said the Duchess: “and the moral of that is ‘Oh, it’s love, it’s love, that makes the world go round[70]!’”

“Somebody says,” Alice whispered, “that it’s necessary to mind his own business!”

“Ah, well! It means the same thing,” said the Duchess, “and the moral of that is ‘Take care of the sense[71]!’”

“Oh, she likes to find morals in everything!” Alice thought to herself.

“I’m not sure about the temper of your flamingo. Does it bite?”

“It may bite,” Alice cautiously replied.

“Very true,” said the Duchess: “flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is “Birds of a feather flock together[72].”’

“Only mustard isn’t a bird,” Alice remarked.

“Right, as usual,” said the Duchess, “what a clear mind!”

“It’s a mineral, I think,” said Alice.

“Of course it is,” said the Duchess, who was ready to agree to everything that Alice said.

“Oh, I know!” exclaimed Alice, “it’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like one, but it is.”

“I quite agree with you,” said the Duchess; “and the moral of that is ‘Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than you are otherwise.’”

“I think I must understand that better,” Alice said very politely, “if I write that down.”

“Thinking again?” the Duchess asked, with the dig of her sharp little chin.

“I’ve a right to think,” said Alice sharply.

“You know, my dear,” said the Duchess, “the moral of this is—”

But here, to Alice’s great surprise, the Duchess’s arm began to tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them.

“A fine day, your Majesty!” the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.

“Now, I warn you,” shouted the Queen; “either you or your head must be off! Take your choice[73]!”

The Duchess took her choice, and went away in a moment.

“Let’s continue our game,” the Queen said to Alice; and Alice followed to the croquet-ground.

The other guests were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game. The Queen merely remarked: “A moment’s delay costs you your lives.”

All the time they were playing the Queen was quarrelling with the other players, and shouting “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” All the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and under sentence of execution.

Then the Queen stopped the game, and said to Alice, “Did you see the Mock Turtle?”

“No,” said Alice. “I don’t even know what a Mock Turtle is. I never saw one, or heard of one.”

“Come on, then,” said the Queen, “and it shall tell you its history.”

As they walked off together, the King said in a low voice, to the guests, “You are all pardoned.”

“Oh, that’s a good thing!” Alice said to herself.

Very soon they met a Gryphon[74], it was sleeping in the sun.

“Get up, you idler!” said the Queen, “and take this young lady to the Mock Turtle. I must go back”; and she walked off.

The Queen left Alice alone with the Gryphon. Alice did not like the look of the creature, but it seemed as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen; so she waited.

The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes, then it chuckled.

“What fun!” said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.

“What is the fun?” said Alice.

“She,” said the Gryphon. “It’s a fake, you know, they never execute anybody. Come on!”

“Everybody says “come on!” here,” thought Alice, as she went slowly after the Gryphon.

Soon they saw the Mock Turtle. It was sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and sighing.

“What is his sorrow?” Alice asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, “It’s a fake, you know, it has no sorrow. Come on!”

So they went up to the Mock Turtle. It looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

“This is a young lady,” said the Gryphon, “she wants to know your history.”