Marriage Without Love

When she first discovered she was pregnant she had been out of work and depressed. She had fainted twice in one week and put it down to nervous strain until, despite the fact that she had barely been eating, she discovered that her skirt wouldn’t fasten round her waist. She had known the truth then, but refused to accept it, confirmation finally coming in the shabby, impersonal interview room of a pregnancy advice bureau. They had been kind and helpful, offering to arrange for a termination of her pregnancy, despite its advanced state. They had probably considered that she wasn’t capable of bringing up a child, she thought wryly. She had been practically hysterical with all that she had endured from the Press and police, and the information that she was expecting Kieron’s child could have been the final straw which tipped her into insanity.

When it came to the point, though, she could not go through with it. As though bearing her child was some means of punishing herself for being so easily taken in by Kieron, she forced herself to accept it.

When he had been born, after a night of pain and anguish, she had not even wanted to look at him, but the midwife, experienced in the ways and mysteries of birth, had placed him in her arms, and from that moment she had been lost.

God had seen fit to grant her the gift of life, the midwife had said softly, and Briony had held to that thought in the long lonely months which followed.

Since then it had afforded her some slight satisfaction to know that Kieron had been deprived of this child, who must surely be the most perfect being ever created. It hadn’t been easy trying to bring him up single-handed, continually torn by the desire to be with him, gloating over every tiny step forward, and the need to earn sufficient money to safeguard their future.

Until recently he had accepted quite readily the fact that he only had a ‘mummy’, but as Gina had said, he was quick and intelligent, and it would not be long before he was questioning why he did not have a father.

It would not make any difference, she assured herself firmly; she would give him everything that two parents could, and never, never would he be allowed to know how callous had been his conception.

She watched him while he slept, wondering what little-boy dreams he dreamed, her forehead puckered in a faint frown as she contemplated the future.

Briony glanced at her watch and grimaced. Nicky was being unusually fractious this morning, and she wondered if he had caught her own tense mood. He had played naughtily with his breakfast, something he never normally did, his mouth sulky and pouting when she scolded him.

‘Don’t go to work, Mummy,’ he pleaded tearfully. ‘Stay with me!’

‘You know I have to go, Nicky,’ she reminded him gently, ‘but tomorrow’s Friday, and then after that Mummy will be at home with you for two whole days. Perhaps we’ll go somewhere nice, if you’re a good boy for Gina.’

‘Where nice?’ he breathed, tears forgotten. ‘To the Zoo to see the bears?’

‘Maybe. Finish your egg, there’s a good boy.’

His recalcitrance had made her late, and although she ran all the way down the bottom of the avenue, she was just in time to see her bus go sailing past. Groaning, she pressed a hand to her side to stifle the aching stitch. She was going to be late, and there was nothing she could do about it, so she might as well make up her mind to accept the fact. Although she frequently worked late, she hated being late in the morning, but Doug would understand. Not that he knew about Nicky. No one at the office had the slightest inkling that she had a child, and that was the way she wanted it to stay. Employers were wary of young women without husbands and with babies to bring up, and she had always needed her job too much to risk it. Besides, she didn’t want people talking about her behind her back, speculating about the identity of Nicky’s father, and now with Kieron Blake working on the paper she was glad she had kept silent. He hadn’t even asked her why she had changed her name, she thought bitterly—although she had not changed it entirely. Her name had been Elisabeth Briony and all she had done had been to drop her first name and change her surname for her mother’s maiden name. But then no doubt he had no need to ask. He must have followed the details in the papers—and there had been plenty. He must have known the ordéal she had endured; the shock she had sustained on learning that the man she had thought of as her tender, caring lover, ready to protect her from everything, was in fact a hardbitten journalist in search of a story, and ready to do anything to get it.

It was ten past nine when she walked into her office. She removed her jacket with a sigh.

‘So. You’ve arrived, have you?’

She swung round, eyes widening at the silky drawl, her heart jerking as though it were on strings.

‘You’re damn near ten minutes late,’ Kieron rapped out. ‘Is this morning an exception, or am I to prepare myself for your tardy arrival every day?’

He was just trying to goad her, she told herself. After Doug’s praise and recommendation he could hardly just fire her, and so he would have to find some other means of ridding himself of her. She almost laughed aloud at the irony of it. He couldn’t have been very pleased to discover that the one person in the world who knew exactly what kind of man he was would be his new secretary.

‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ she apologised coldly, picking up the post from her desk. ‘I’ll just go through this and then I’ll be right with you.’

He let her get to her chair before he spoke, his voice like a whip as he drawled sarcastically,

‘Hey, lady, just where the hell do you think you’re going with that stuff? Nobody puts me down like that. And I’m perfectly capable of going through my own mail. No doubt Doug relied heavily on you for such assistance, but I don’t need it. Get it?’

She handed him the mail with a cool, composed smile and an expressionless,

‘Yes, Mr Blake. Where is Doug, by the way?’ she enquired. It wasn’t like her boss not to be in the office early.

‘Making his goodbyes, I believe,’ Kieron told her laconically. ‘Today’s his last day.…’

‘Oh, but I thought.…’ The words rose unchecked to her lips, silenced as he perched on the end of her desk and swivelled round to study her.

‘You thought what? That I’d need him to nursemaid me for longer?’ He shook his head decisively. ‘This kitchen only needs one cook—me. Much as I like and respect Doug I don’t need him standing at my elbow overseeing everything I do. And I’m sure he would feel the same in my shoes.’

Briony knew that he would, but it didn’t stop her saying acidly, ‘It didn’t take you very long, did it? First you try to get rid of his secretary and then you want to get rid of him.’

‘Doug said to remind you that he expects you to be with the others at the pub tonight for the celebrations,’ Kieron told her casually. ‘I believe your boy-friend will be there.’

It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she didn’t have any boy-friends, and then she realised that he meant Matt.

‘I shan’t be going,’ she said shortly. She hadn’t come dressed for partying, although her slim cream skirt and pretty floral blouse were perfectly suitable for a comradely drink, and neither had she warned Gina that she would be late. She had assumed that Doug would postpone any celebrations until Friday, but she was totally unprepared for the icy disdain in Kieron’s eyes as he said coldly:

‘You take pleasure in spoiling other people’s fun, don’t you, Briony? Briony—what made you chose that name? I can see why you had to get rid of the “Beth”. Far too sweet and simple for such an Amazon as you’ve become. What thoughts run through that cold little brain, I wonder? Can’t you even permit yourself to become human for just as long as it takes to speed Doug cheerfully on his way?’

‘You have no right to talk to me like this!’ She was trembling with mingled fear and anger. It was as though the scales had dropped from her eyes and she was seeing him properly for the first time, not as her childish adoration had painted him. How could she ever have thought of this man as a tender lover, or a gentle protector? He was a predator; a hunter who killed and maimed, an outlaw from society’s rules.

The door opened and Doug walked in, his sharp eyes going from Kieron to herself.

‘How about a cup of coffee, love?’ he suggested to Briony, adding to Kieron, ‘Briony’s a marvel. Until she came I had to make do with the canteen rubbish, but now we have properly made, freshly brewed coffee every morning. Better treatment than you got in the States, I’ll bet.’

‘Over there they have machines—less time-wasting. What happens if Briony is ever off? Do you use the pool, or.…’

Briony stiffened instinctively forcing herself not to look at him. He was trying to discover if there was any other secretary he could replace her with. Doug raised his eyebrows.

‘Well, when Briony’s on holiday I use one of the girls from the pool. It’s not an ideal situation, but we get by. You are coming down for a drink tonight, aren’t you, Briony?’

‘I don’t know… I’m not dressed.…’

‘I wish that was true,’ Doug grinned appreciatively. ‘Of course you’re coming. I’ll go and let you two get better acquainted. Keep the coffee hot,’ he added as he strode out of the room.

‘Got them all going, haven’t you?’ Kieron commented. ‘I never thought you’d turn out to be a seductress.’

She swallowed the insult, glad that she had her back to him.

‘Leave that,’ he instructed sharply, when she went to pick up the coffee percolator. ‘We’ve got work to do.’

She accompanied him into his office, sitting down opposite him and angling her chair deliberately so that her legs were hidden by the desk. She didn’t imagine for a moment that he would want to ogle her, but she wasn’t going to give him the opportunity of suggesting that she might have wanted him to. His eyes were hard as he noted the manoeuvre, and as though in punishment he dictated at a speed far in excess of Doug’s more leisurely style. Briony wasn’t worried. She enjoyed taking shorthand and in other circumstances would have found his speed something of an enjoyable challenge. However, because it was him she concentrated grimly on making the neat outlines, her pencil poised for the next spate, as the ring of the phone interrupted them.

He listened in silence, and then drawled,

‘Offended, my dear Gail? I’m highly flattered. It isn’t every day a beautiful woman invites me out to lunch. One suit you?’

Flushing angrily at being forced to eavesdrop on his personal conversation, Briony gritted her teeth and stared coldly into space, caught off guard when he said evenly:

‘Right, read that last letter back to me, will you? I’ve forgotton where I was.’

Briony was reasonably sure that he was lying. The letter was long and complicated, but she read through it without haste or check, her diction smooth and even. When she had finished she raised her eyes to find Kieron watching her with an exceedingly sardonic expression.

‘It’s almost like having my own personal computer,’ he mocked cruelly. ‘Don’t you ever feel like coming down off your mountain and joining the rest of the human race?’

‘Not as long as it includes you,’ Briony retorted bitterly, paling too late as she saw his expression.

‘So that’s it,’ he said softly, getting up from behind his desk and coming towards her. He was wearing an expensively tailored lightweight suit in dove grey, the narrow trousers moulding his thighs, and her eyes fastened helplessly on his lean hips as he came slowly towards her.

‘Don’t blame it all on me, Briony. You.…’

‘I was a stupid fool,’ she stormed bitterly. ‘And you took full advantage of that fact, didn’t you, Kieron? God, I hate you! If you burned in hell for ever more it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy me!’

‘Is that why you’re insisting on staying here?’ he grated at her. ‘Are you looking for revenge? Is that how your warped little mind works?’

‘I’m staying here because I need a job,’ she told him coldly. ‘And I don’t think the Board would be very impressed with their new editor if I told them why he was so anxious to get rid of me. Rival papers would love it, though, I’m sure. Selling sensation life stories seems to be all the rage these days. I wonder how much my exposé would be worth?’

‘It works both ways,’ he retorted softly. ‘By working for me, you’re putting yourself within my power, and after what you’ve just admitted, doesn’t that thought frighten you?’

‘Not in the least,’ Briony lied bravely. ‘You’ve already done your worst. Anything else could only be an anticlimax.’

He gave her so much work that it was lunchtime before she could ring Gina to warn her that she might be late.

The Italian girl was delighted to hear that she was going out. ‘You took my warning about Nicky to heart, eh?’ she teased. ‘I wish you luck in your search for a papa for him.’

Briony had worked through her lunch-hour and expecting that Kieron would be detained by Gail had not thought to close her office door when she made her call. The result was that he walked in when she was right in the middle of it, and Gina was describing Nicky’s newest trick.

‘Personal call?’ Kieron said sardonically when she had finished. ‘First time I’ve seen a spark of life in you since I got here. Does Matt know about him?’

‘My private affairs are my own,’ Briony retorted, colour scorching her skin as she realised the inference he had drawn from her words. Of course he would think she meant love affairs. She turned her back on him, searching through the files for an article she needed. When she straightened up Kieron was standing right behind her. She could smell the faint tang of his aftershave. His skin was firm and tanned, the blue eyes framed with ridiculously thick dark lashes. Just like Nicky’s. Her heart pounded, and she bent down to close the cupboard drawer, trying to conceal her reaction. Kieron frowned suddenly.

‘You still use the same perfume.’

Anger flooded her at his cruelty.

‘I’m surprised you remembered,’ she said bitterly. ‘But then reporters are trained to remember every small detail, however minor, aren’t they? That’s how you managed to piece together your scoop, wasn’t it? How boring it must have been for you to have to search through all the dross of my confidences for those precious nuggets! But well worth it in the end. As Gail said, the story made you famous overnight. As it did me, although in my case the word was “infamous”. I’m surprised you didn’t tell them all yesterday exactly who I was. Or can it be that you actually felt ashamed of admitting exactly how you got your story?’

‘You weren’t exactly unwilling,’ he reminded her harshly.

‘I wasn’t unwilling to let you make love to me, but I wasn’t given the opportunity to state my views on how you intended to use my confidences, was I? I wish I could think that having me working for you would put you through hell, Kieron, but we both know that you don’t have that much compunction, don’t we?’

He reached for her, but she was ready for him, sliding behind her desk and sitting down. Anger blazed in his eyes, his skin stretched tautly across the bones of his face. He had removed his jacket and his thin silk shirt showed the smoothly muscled wall of his chest with its covering of dark hair. With a sense of shock she realised that he was intensely male; something she had never fully appreciated before. Because he had hidden that side of himself from her? Of course he had never been attracted to her. He was the sort of man who had women coming out of his ears. How he must have laughed at her naïveté!

By five o’clock her desk was clear, but her head was pounding and all she wanted to do was to go home and go to bed. The heat in the city was oppressive, beating up off the pavements and clogging the air to mingle chokingly with the petrol fumes.

When she went down to the cloakroom to freshen up several of the other girls were already there.

‘What a waste!’ a giggly blonde from Fashion moaned to her friend. They were bent over one of the basins and neither of them had seen Briony come in. ‘That gorgeous hunk of male and Ice-Cold Winters! I bet she wouldn’t know what to do with a real man. Look at that wet Matt she goes about with!’

Someone kicked her on the ankle and she turned round complaining, her mouth dropping open when she saw Briony. For a moment Briony had a savage longing to tell her that she knew exactly what to do with a man like Kieron Blake, but she suppressed it, pretending she had heard nothing, which was stupid because the girl had a particularly shrill voice.

‘Ice-Cold Winters.’ Was that what they called her? She grimaced and then shrugged dismissively. What did it matter after all?

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