Valentine's Dream

“If you were indifferent, it wouldn’t matter if I wanted to live at the Plaza or a Ramada Inn, in Battery Park or Harlem. But I felt like you were really considering what was right for me.”

“I can’t believe you’d be happy in any of those places we saw.”

“That’s what I wanted to find out, Grace.”

She was still confused. “But, why?”

“Was I just Benson’s best friend, or can I be your friend, too? Can we start with that?”

“I don’t hate you,” she repeated. “But when we first met, I thought...well, I thought you were arrogant and unfriendly. I felt like you looked down on me, like you didn’t think I was good enough for Benson. You never seemed to smile when I was around, and you never made much attempt to talk to me. What was I supposed to think?”

Carter’s expression looked strained. He seemed both surprised and sad by her observations, and shook his head.

“I didn’t realize I was coming across that way. I’m really sorry you felt that way all those years, but you did touch on something that was partially true.”

“What?” she questioned cautiously.

“It’s not that I thought Benson was too good for you. It was the reverse. I thought you were probably too good for him.”

“Really?”

“Don’t get me wrong, Benson was a great guy. He was street-smart and ambitious—he was basically an honest man. But he was a player.” Seeing the shock that came into her eyes, Carter held up his hand to keep her silent. “I don’t think he fooled around. As far as I or anyone else knew, he was totally faithful to you.

“I’m talking about what he wanted to do with his life, where he wanted to rise to. Getting appointed to the mayor’s office was a real coup, but Benson had plans to go much higher. You can’t have that kind of drive without knowing you have to play ball, cut deals, compromise, maybe even gloss over the truth when necessary. Well, that was fine for Benson, but I always had the feeling that that’s not the kind of life you bargained for when the two of you got married. He went from being just another district attorney to being in ‘the game.’”

“How did you know how I felt about his career?” Grace asked, not denying any of Carter’s statements.

“You seemed not in awe of Benson, but overwhelmed. Like he was moving too fast, and you were afraid you’d hold him back. I think you wanted to be a partner in a marriage, not in his career goals. I think you wanted to know he would give as much quality time to his family as he did to outfoxing his opponents and enemies. Benson had them, you know.”

“I...I don’t know what to say,” Grace murmured. “I never realized anyone was paying attention to my relationship with Benson. Everyone liked him, and he was so popular, but I wasn’t jealous of that.”

“I came to understand that after a while.” Carter nodded. “But I thought you hated me because you believed I thought you were holding him back. On the other hand, Benson really loved you. He said you were a class act, not like those other bi...women he’d known before. You gave him a son, and that made a huge difference in his outlook. But I wondered what would have happened down the road.”

It was a lot for Grace to think about, putting together all the puzzle pieces that made up the relationships between her, Benson and Carter. She’d never seen before that their relationships were such a complicated triangle. The revelations about her and Carter’s misconceptions about each other also had an effect on her. Grace suddenly felt as if a door had opened to reveal secrets that might give closure to the past.

“I wasn’t sure that becoming a father would make a difference to Benson. When Madison was about two, I started to think Benson was getting a little restless. Like he wanted and needed something else. Like...I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. I even asked him if he wanted a divorce. That sort of shook him up, and he said no. Shortly after that, I got pregnant with Rebecca. But deep in my heart, I knew that having another baby was only a Band-Aid on a bigger wound. I knew I couldn’t keep up with him.”

“I’m sorry,” Carter said quietly. “I had no idea. Which makes what happened three years ago so unreal, doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I found you alone and crying after the service for Benson, you looked like your heart had been broken, and I felt it was proof positive of how much you loved him. Then you lost him.”

She grimaced ruefully. “I never had Benson. You don’t hold someone like him. I never really belonged to him. Maybe I wanted something from him he couldn’t give. Maybe, after a few years and a couple of kids, he felt the same way. But I don’t believe in looking back, Carter. I’m not still in mourning.”

“I wanted to be sure.”

“How come?”

“That day when I tried to comfort you, I knew that the timing couldn’t have been worse. I finally got a chance to show a little of how I felt, and your husband had just passed away. Was I just Benson’s best friend or could I be your friend? Maybe take it from there. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Grace felt disoriented by Carter’s admission. Suddenly, every word, every action in their time together lately fell into place and began to make sense. Benson’s mother had seen more three years ago than she could have realized.

“I...don’t know what to say.”

He leaned across the table. “How about, for starters, that I’m not making a fool of myself. That it’s not too late, or a big mistake.”

There was something poignant and vulnerable about his honesty.

“I’m a little nervous and confused, but I think you’re on to something,” Grace quietly confessed.

“It took three years for me to get up the courage to say something. I know you didn’t feel the same way.”

“Do you think Benson knew how you felt?” she asked, suddenly horrified at the thought.

“I would have broken off the friendship if I thought I couldn’t keep it to myself. I didn’t want to hurt Benson or you.”

She shook her head in amazement. “But to stay silent for all those years.”

“Until now,” Carter quietly reminded her.

“Is everything okay here?” The waiter’s overly cheerful voice broke into their mutual reflection and brought Grace and Carter back to the present. “Can I get you anything else?”

“No, this is good,” Carter reassured the young man. He glanced at Grace. “This is very good.”

By the time they left the restaurant, Grace felt as if everything had changed and the world looked different. She was giddy and disoriented, her head spinning with Carter’s revelations. She felt awkward and shy and exposed. Carter had tapped into something between them that she had only begun to question herself. But she wasn’t there, yet.

They left the restaurant, and he took her hand.

“Don’t say anything right now.”

“I can’t,” she agreed, bemused.

“I guess I could have planned this better. Maybe I should have said something sooner. Maybe waited until I’d already moved here. I hate that I have to leave you like this.”

Grace smiled kindly at him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Carter, but I’m glad you have to go back to Chicago for a while.”

He looked a little grim, but stoic. “Got it.” He nodded.

She waited in numb silence while he hailed a cab for her and paid the driver to return her to her office. They faced each other suddenly like total strangers. But she finally realized how much courage it had taken for Carter to come forth with his feelings about her. And how much more it had taken for him to remain silent for eight years. Despite that spontaneous but electrifying encounter between them, Carter had never taken advantage of her. She stood before him now, appreciating and admiring the risk he’d taken. He had shown strength of character and had opened his heart. Could she do any less?

Grace took a tentative step toward Carter and raised her arms for a hug. It was gentle and comforting, and took them back to that time and place when the moment called for understanding.

“Have a safe trip,” Grace said softly. “Hurry back.”

* * *

“Thank you so much for understanding. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more warning, but something came up, and I have to stay in the city a little longer this afternoon.”

Grace, on the phone with her babysitter, felt a little uneasy about having to change her children’s routine. It was rare that she was forced to rearrange her schedule and theirs, and it was always work-related, something that she had to accommodate when necessary. Yet going into emergency backup mode for Carter Morrison struck her as not only out of character, but pretty spur-of-the-moment. Her life was not geared to spontaneity, or to taking chances. Grace realized she was making concessions for him that she hadn’t made for any other man since Benson.

Why?

“I’ve already spoken with the children’s grandmother, and she’ll pick them up at your place at the time I normally would,” Grace informed the babysitter. “Here’s her name and phone number....”

Why not? she thought.

Because with Carter, she could talk about more than Playstation and Toy Story dolls, she thought, realizing how limited her vocabulary had become. Because he liked her kids, and they liked him. Because Madison had been asking when Carter was coming to play chess with him again. Was it because the myth that had been dispelled between them had allowed for another feeling to sneak in?

Now it could be said.

“Yes, everything will be back to normal tomorrow,” Grace assured the babysitter. “I’ll pick up the children after work as usual. Thanks so much. I’ll call my mother-in-law and let her know you’ll be expecting her. Bye.”

Grace sat forward in her chair, turning to her computer to finish an email. She was tired of trying to analyze her decision. What difference did it make? There was nothing to read between the lines as she made arrangements so she and Carter could see each other.

He was becoming a good friend. There was nothing wrong with having a good friend.

Right?

Grace had known exactly when he’d returned to New York. He’d called on his way up the New Jersey Turnpike to say he’d taken a year lease on one of the three apartments they’d seen together. He already had a phone number, had arranged for movers to arrive with his things, and had driven himself back in his Lexus.

He’d wasted no time in asking to see her.

Grace was breathless with anxiety. Was he moving too fast? Was this whirlwind of feelings more than friendship or curiosity? Or just a momentary apparition?

Carter’s phone call an hour earlier, asking if she could possibly stay late and meet with him, had not only caught her off guard but had stirred an odd anticipation. When she left work that afternoon at almost five-thirty, it was raining lightly. She walked briskly toward the subway only to realize that Carter was standing at the top of the entrance, under the protection of a large umbrella.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, sounding more annoyed than she’d intended.

“Waiting for you.”

“Afraid I’d get lost in the subway? Or that I’d stand you up?”

“Aren’t you glad I came to drive you in the comfort of my car, saving you the hassle?” he said, waving a hand to the Lexus parked near the corner.

“Yes,” Grace conceded as a gust of wind tried to tear her pocket umbrella from her hand.

The drive downtown was stop and go as the traffic was hampered by the weather and the usual insanity of rush hour in the city. He’d made reservations at B. Smith’s.

She realized that she was nervous to be with him—to the point of trembling. She crossed her legs after they were seated to keep her knees from jumping. Seeing Carter again after their parting conversation ten days earlier made Grace wonder what they could say to one another now. How they would behave. But the one surprising difference that she’d noticed at once was that she was glad to see Carter again.

He ordered glasses of champagne. They toasted his return to New York, finding an apartment, beginning a new life. But Grace realized it was a new start for her, as well. Then Carter proposed a second toast.

“Let’s hope the joys of the future will be strengthened by those of the past.”

She found his remark thoughtful and somehow profound. Grace had always thought of Benson with genuine feeling and warmth and regret, and without guilt she smiled at the man sitting opposite her. Grace began to relax in his company.

After they’d placed their order, Carter took a purple envelope from his pocket and slid it across the table to her.

He said nothing, offered no explanation and Grace stared at the envelope suspiciously. She did not ask what it might be; but her sudden rapid heartbeat and her flushed skin signaled that she’d reached her own conclusion.

“Does this have anything to do with Valentine’s Day? Because if it does, you’re a day early.”

He shook his head as he watched her. “To my way of thinking, I’m a few years late. Better late than never.”

Grace finally reached for the envelope. It was flat, but thick. She slid her fingers inside and removed the contents. As she leafed through them, her surprise increased...as did a new anxiety. There was a card with a sweet, romantic, but tasteful, greeting. It made her smile as she read it through twice. Then she realized that the other contents consisted of two cruise tickets—one issued in her name, and one in Carter’s—although they had different staterooms. She was unable to utter a single word.

“This is my way of saying that not only do I want you to be my Valentine, Grace, I want you to be mine period. I want to go back to square one, start over and court you. I want us to get to know each other. We have a lot of catching up to do. I want to do all the him and her things I’ve never done before, and I want to do them with you.”

She couldn’t breathe. She felt dizzy, like the room was slowly turning on its side. “I guess I can’t say this is so sudden.”

“Maybe for you, but not me. I told you the last time we saw each other that telling you my feelings was a long time coming.”

She silently put everything back into the envelope; her gaze upon him was troubled but pleaded for understanding. “You’re asking me to go away with you. I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Am I wrong to believe you have feelings for me?”

There it was. Truth or dare.

“No,” she said with some relief.

“Are you worried about the kids, and about how Marjorie will react to our being together?”

“Yes.”

“Are you worried about being alone with me?” he asked more gently.

She merely nodded.

Their dinner was served, and Carter wisely guided the conversation to a general discussion of all the places he wanted to travel to in his lifetime. Grace eventually confessed she had her own short list. On it was a trip to Disney World, which didn’t need an explanation. Ever since Benson’s death, she’d imagined the rest of her life alone, as if she’d been banished forever to widowhood. There were the children, of course, but Grace had prepared herself for living without a partner, a lover and soul mate. She was ready to accept her fate. Carter’s interest and his intentions had not eliminated that, but had added a new wrinkle in the fabric of her life that was not so easy to deal with.

Grace knew that Carter was disappointed in her response. He watched her closely throughout dinner, trying not to look like he was staring. She knew he was looking for a sign of hope or encouragement, rather than an outright no.

Silence eventually took over as her mind went into free fall, and a flurry of vignettes and episodes from the past, moments that had been charged with emotion, innocent yet titillating, exciting but dangerous. All the wishful thinking she’d ruthlessly suppressed rose to the surface. She’d married Benson because she loved him; he had been a good man with enormous promise, but he was gone.

So, why did she continue to feel guilty and ashamed?

Carter took care of the bill. They stepped out into the cold February night. The rain had turned to a light snow. He began walking to his parked car, then realized that Grace hung back.

“Carter, I...I’d rather go home by myself on the train.”

The muscles tightened in Carter’s jaw, and he nodded. “All right.”

She touched her temple. “My head is spinning. I can’t think straight. I’m sorry.”

He took her elbow. “I’ll drive you to the station.”

They were both silent, both deep in thought, neither having any idea what the next step was. Outside the gate to her train track, they stood facing one another. He held out the envelope. After a moment she silently took it.

“I don’t think this came at you out of left field. I kept my distance out of respect for Benson. But then I asked myself, what am I waiting for?”

“But...to go on a cruise together,” she stammered.

He grinned gently at her. “You gave me the idea. I counted on that when I asked you what you would want.”

“You were pretty sure of yourself,” she said grimly.

“Only about wanting to be with you. But I’m not out of the woods, it seems. You could still turn me down. If that happens, I’ll deal with it. The cruise leaves in ten days. I want you to come with me, Grace.”

She was afraid to ask, what if she didn’t?

An announcement echoed through the terminal about the departure of train 317 to Westchester, leaving on Track 29.

“No matter what else happens, there’s something I have to do before you go,” Carter began.

Grace stood waiting. She knew exactly what it was. Carter put his arms around her, drawing her to his chest. She knew instantly that this was more than caring, more than affection. His mouth descended, and she closed her eyes and tilted her head so he would fit properly atop her open lips. The first touch went to her head, his mouth gently moving and caressing hers. She became pliant and willing and easy and breathless.

The euphoria was like a drug that she’d been without for so long; the sensation was dramatic and overwhelming.

Grace let Carter take his fill. Even she held nothing back, enjoying the delicious expertise of his embrace, the sensual dance of his tongue around hers. It was a sweet awakening.

And, very possibly, a bittersweet goodbye.

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