The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen

field. I shall not enter here into any detail of my stables, kennel, or

armoury; but a favourite bitch of mine I cannot help mentioning to you;

she was a greyhound, and I never had or saw a better. She grew old in

my service, and was not remarkable for her size, but rather for her

uncommon swiftness. I always coursed with her. Had you seen her you must

have admired her, and would not have wondered at my predilection, and

at my coursing her so much. She ran so fast, so much, and so long in my

service, that she actually ran off her legs; so that, in the latter part

of her life, I was under the necessity of working and using her only as

a terrier, in which quality she still served me many years.

Coursing one day a hare, which appeared to me uncommonly big, I pitied

my poor bitch, being big with pups, yet she would course as fast as

ever. I could follow her on horseback only at a great distance. At once

I heard a cry as it were of a pack of hounds – but so weak and faint

that I hardly knew what to make of it. Coming up to them, I was greatly

surprised. The hare had littered in running; the same had happened to

my bitch in coursing, and there were just as many leverets as pups. By

instinct the former ran, the latter coursed: and thus I found myself

in possession at once of six hares, and as many dogs, at the end of a

course which had only begun with one.

I remember this, my wonderful bitch, with the same pleasure and

tenderness as a superb Lithuanian horse, which no money could have

bought. He became mine by an accident, which gave me an opportunity

of showing my horsemanship to a great advantage. I was at Count

Przobossky’s noble country-seat in Lithuania, and remained with the

ladies at tea in the drawing-room, while the gentlemen were down in

the yard, to see a young horse of blood which had just arrived from the

stud. We suddenly heard a noise of distress; I hastened down-stairs, and

found the horse so unruly, that nobody durst approach or mount him.

The most resolute horsemen stood dismayed and aghast; despondency was

expressed in every countenance, when, in one leap, I was on his back,

took him by surprise, and worked him quite into gentleness and obedience

with the best display of horsemanship I was master of. Fully to show

this to the ladies, and save them unnecessary trouble, I forced him to

leap in at one of the open windows of the tea-room, walked round several

times, pace, trot, and gallop, and at last made him mount the tea-table,

there to repeat his lessons in a pretty style of miniature which was

exceedingly pleasing to the ladies, for he performed them amazingly

well, and did not break either cup or saucer. It placed me so high in

their opinion, and so well in that of the noble lord, that, with his

usual politeness, he begged I would accept of this young horse, and

ride him full career to conquest and honour in the campaign against the

Turks, which was soon to be opened, under the command of Count Munich.

I could not indeed have received a more agreeable present, nor a

more ominous one at the opening of that campaign, in which I made my

apprenticeship as a soldier. A horse so gentle, so spirited, and so

fierce – at once a lamb and a Bucephalus, put me always in mind of the

soldier’s and the gentleman’s duty! of young Alexander, and of the

astonishing things he performed in the field.

We took the field, among several other reasons, it seems, with an

intention to retrieve the character of the Russian arms, which had been

blemished a little by Czar Peter’s last campaign on the Pruth; and this

we fully accomplished by several very fatiguing and glorious campaigns

under the command of that great general I mentioned before.

Modesty forbids individuals to arrogate to themselves great successes

or victories, the glory of which is generally engrossed by the

commander – nay, which is rather awkward, by kings and queens who never

smelt gunpowder but at the field-days and reviews of their troops; never

saw a field of battle, or an enemy in battle array.

Nor do I claim any particular share of glory in the great engagements

with the enemy. We all did our duty, which, in the patriot’s, soldier’s,

and gentleman’s language, is a very comprehensive word, of great honour,

meaning, and import, and of which the generality of idle quidnuncs

and coffee-house politicians can hardly form any but a very mean and

contemptible idea. However, having had the command of a body of hussars,

I went upon several expeditions, with discretionary powers; and the

success I then met with is, I think, fairly and only to be placed to my

account, and to that of the brave fellows whom I led on to conquest and

to victory. We had very hot work once in the van of the army, when we

drove the Turks into Oczakow. My spirited Lithuanian had almost brought

me into a scrape: I had an advanced fore-post, and saw the enemy coming

against me in a cloud of dust, which left me rather uncertain about

their actual numbers and real intentions: to wrap myself up in a

similar cloud was common prudence, but would not have much advanced my

knowledge, or answered the end for which I had been sent out; therefore

I let my flankers on both wings spread to the right and left and make

what dust they could, and I myself led on straight upon the enemy, to

have nearer sight of them: in this I was gratified, for they stood and

fought, till, for fear of my flankers, they began to move off rather

disorderly. This was the moment to fall upon them with spirit; we broke

them entirely – made a terrible havoc amongst them, and drove them not

only back to a walled town in their rear, but even through it, contrary

to our most sanguine expectation.

The swiftness of my Lithuanian enabled me to be foremost in the pursuit;

and seeing the enemy fairly flying through the opposite gate, I thought

it would be prudent to stop in the market-place, to order the men to

rendezvous. I stopped, gentlemen; but judge of my astonishment when

in this market-place I saw not one of my hussars about me! Are they

scouring the other streets? or what is become of them? They could not

be far off, and must, at all events, soon join me. In that expectation

I walked my panting Lithuanian to a spring in this market-place, and let

him drink. He drank uncommonly, with an eagerness not to be satisfied,

but natural enough; for when I looked round for my men, what should I

see, gentlemen! the hind part of the poor creature – croup and legs were

missing, as if he had been cut in two, and the water ran out as it came

in, without refreshing or doing him any good! How it could have happened

was quite a mystery to me, till I returned with him to the town-gate.

There I saw, that when I rushed in pell-mell with the flying enemy, they

had dropped the portcullis (a heavy falling door, with sharp spikes at

the bottom, let down suddenly to prevent the entrance of an enemy into

a fortified town) unperceived by me, which had totally cut off his hind

part, that still lay quivering on the outside of the gate. It would have

been an irreparable loss, had not our farrier contrived to bring both

parts together while hot. He sewed them up with sprigs and young shoots

of laurels that were at hand; the wound healed, and, what could not have

happened but to so glorious a horse, the sprigs took root in his body,

grew up, and formed a bower over me; so that afterwards I could go upon

many other expeditions in the shade of my own and my horse’s laurels.

CHAPTER VI

_The Baron is made a prisoner of war, and sold for a slave – Keeps the

Sultan’s bees, which are attacked by two bears – Loses one of his bees;

a silver hatchet, which he throws at the bears, rebounds and flies up to

the moon; brings it back by an ingenious invention; falls to the earth

on his return, and helps himself out of a pit – Extricates himself from

a carriage which meets his in a narrow road, in a manner never before

attempted nor practised since – The wonderful effects of the frost upon

his servant’s French horn._

I was not always successful. I had the misfortune to be overpowered

by numbers, to be made prisoner of war; and, what is worse, but always

usual among the Turks, to be sold for a slave. [The Baron was afterwards

in great favour with the Grand Seignior, as will appear hereafter.] In

that state of humiliation my daily task was not very hard and laborious,

but rather singular and irksome. It was to drive the Sultan’s bees every

morning to their pasture-grounds, to attend them all the day long, and

against night to drive them back to their hives. One evening I missed a

bee, and soon observed that two bears had fallen upon her to tear her to

pieces for the honey she carried. I had nothing like an offensive weapon

in my hands but the silver hatchet, which is the badge of the Sultan’s

gardeners and farmers. I threw it at the robbers, with an intention to

frighten them away, and set the poor bee at liberty; but, by an unlucky

turn of my arm, it flew upwards, and continued rising till it

reached the moon. How should I recover it? how fetch it down again?

I recollected that Turkey-beans grow very quick, and run up to an

astonishing height. I planted one immediately; it grew, and actually

fastened itself to one of the moon’s horns. I had no more to do now

but to climb up by it into the moon, where I safely arrived, and had a

troublesome piece of business before I could find my silver hatchet, in

a place where everything has the brightness of silver; at last,

however, I found it in a heap of chaff and chopped straw. I was now for

returning: but, alas! the heat of the sun had dried up my bean; it was

totally useless for my descent: so I fell to work, and twisted me a rope

of that chopped straw, as long and as well as I could make it. This I

fastened to one of the moon’s horns, and slid down to the end of it.

Here I held myself fast with the left hand, and with the hatchet in my

right, I cut the long, now useless end of the upper part, which, when

tied to the lower end, brought me a good deal lower: this repeated

splicing and tying of the rope did not improve its quality, or bring me

down to the Sultan’s farm. I was four or five miles from the earth at

least when it broke; I fell to the ground with such amazing violence,

that I found myself stunned, and in a hole nine fathoms deep at

least, made by the weight of my body falling from so great a height: I

recovered, but knew not how to get out again; however, I dug slopes or

steps with my finger-nails [the Baron’s nails were then of forty years’

growth], and easily accomplished it.

Peace was soon after concluded with the Turks, and gaining my liberty,

I left St. Petersburg at the time of that singular revolution, when the

emperor in his cradle, his mother, the Duke of Brunswick, her father,

Field-Marshal Munich, and many others were sent to Siberia. The winter

was then so uncommonly severe all over Europe, that ever since the sun

seems to be frost-bitten. At my return to this place, I felt on the road

greater inconveniences than those I had experienced on my setting out.

I travelled post, and finding myself in a narrow lane, bid the

postillion give a signal with his horn, that other travellers might

not meet us in the narrow passage. He blew with all his might; but his

endeavours were in vain, he could not make the horn sound, which was

unaccountable, and rather unfortunate, for soon after we found ourselves

in the presence of another coach coming the other way: there was no

proceeding; however, I got out of my carriage, and being pretty strong,

placed it, wheels and all, upon my head: I then jumped over a hedge

about nine feet high (which, considering the weight of the coach, was

rather difficult) into a field, and came out again by another jump into

the road beyond the other carriage: I then went back for the horses, and

placing one upon my head, and the other under my left arm, by the same

means brought them to my coach, put to, and proceeded to an inn at the

end of our stage. I should have told you that the horse under my arm was

very spirited, and not above four years old; in making my second spring

over the hedge, he expressed great dislike to that violent kind of

motion by kicking and snorting; however, I confined his hind legs

by putting them into my coat-pocket. After we arrived at the inn my

postillion and I refreshed ourselves: he hung his horn on a peg near the

kitchen fire; I sat on the other side.

Suddenly we heard a _tereng! tereng! teng! teng!_ We looked round, and

now found the reason why the postillion had not been able to sound his

horn; his tunes were frozen up in the horn, and came out now by thawing,

plain enough, and much to the credit of the driver; so that the honest

fellow entertained us for some time with a variety of tunes, without

putting his mouth to the horn – «The King of Prussia’s March,» «Over the

Hill and over the Dale,» with many other favourite tunes; at length the

thawing entertainment concluded, as I shall this short account of my

Russian travels.

_Some travellers are apt to advance more than is perhaps strictly true;

if any of the company entertain a doubt of my veracity, I shall only

say to such, I pity their want of faith, and must request they will

take leave before I begin the second part of my adventures, which are as

strictly founded in fact as those I have already related._

CHAPTER VII

_The Baron relates his adventures on a voyage to North America, which

are well worth the reader’s attention – Pranks of a whale – A sea-gull

saves a sailor’s life – The Baron’s head forced into his stomach – A

dangerous leak stopped à posteriori._

I embarked at Portsmouth in a first-rate English man-of-war, of one

hundred guns, and fourteen hundred men, for North America. Nothing worth

relating happened till we arrived within three hundred leagues of the

river St. Laurence, when the ship struck with amazing force against (as

we supposed) a rock; however, upon heaving the lead we could find no

bottom, even with three hundred fathom. What made this circumstance

the more wonderful, and indeed beyond all comprehension, was, that

the violence of the shock was such that we lost our rudder, broke our

bowsprit in the middle, and split all our masts from top to bottom, two

of which went by the board; a poor fellow, who was aloft furling the

mainsheet, was flung at least three leagues from the ship; but he

fortunately saved his life by laying hold of the tail of a large

sea-gull, who brought him back, and lodged him on the very spot from

whence he was thrown. Another proof of the violence of the shock was the

force with which the people between decks were driven against the floors

above them; my head particularly was pressed into my stomach, where it

continued some months before it recovered its natural situation. Whilst

we were all in a state of astonishment at the general and unaccountable

confusion in which we were involved, the whole was suddenly explained

by the appearance of a large whale, who had been basking, asleep,

within sixteen feet of the surface of the water. This animal was so much

displeased with the disturbance which our ship had given him – for in our

passage we had with our rudder scratched his nose – that he beat in all

the gallery and part of the quarter-deck with his tail, and almost at

the same instant took the mainsheet anchor, which was suspended, as

it usually is, from the head, between his teeth, and ran away with the

ship, at least sixty leagues, at the rate of twelve leagues an hour,

when fortunately the cable broke, and we lost both the whale and the

anchor. However, upon our return to Europe, some months after, we found

the same whale within a few leagues of the same spot, floating dead upon

the water; it measured above half a mile in length. As we could take but

a small quantity of such a monstrous animal on board, we got our boats

out, and with much difficulty cut off his head, where, to our great joy,

we found the anchor, and above forty fathom of the cable, concealed on

the left side of his mouth, just under his tongue. [Perhaps this was the

cause of his death, as that side of his tongue was much swelled, with

a great degree of inflammation.] This was the only extraordinary

circumstance that happened on this voyage. One part of our distress,

however, I had like to have forgot: while the whale was running away

with the ship she sprung a leak, and the water poured in so fast, that

all our pumps could not keep us from sinking; it was, however, my good

fortune to discover it first. I found it a large hole about a foot

diameter; you will naturally suppose this circumstance gives me infinite

pleasure, when I inform you that this noble vessel was preserved, with

all its crew, by a most fortunate thought! in short, I sat down over

it, and could have dispensed with it had it been larger; nor will you

be surprised when I inform you I am descended from Dutch parents. [The

Baron’s ancestors have but lately settled there; in another part of his

adventures he boasts of royal blood.]

My situation, while I sat there, was rather cool, but the carpenter’s

art soon relieved me.

CHAPTER VIII

_Bathes in the Mediterranean – Meets an unexpected companion – Arrives

unintentionally in the regions of heat and darkness, from which he is

extricated by dancing a hornpipe – Frightens his deliverers, and returns

on shore._

I was once in great danger of being lost in a most singular manner in

the Mediterranean: I was bathing in that pleasant sea near Marseilles

one summer’s afternoon, when I discovered a very large fish, with his

jaws quite extended, approaching me with the greatest velocity; there

was no time to be lost, nor could I possibly avoid him. I immediately

reduced myself to as small a size as possible, by closing my feet and

placing my hands also near my sides, in which position I passed directly

between his jaws, and into his stomach, where I remained some time in

total darkness, and comfortably warm, as you may imagine; at last it

occurred to me, that by giving him pain he would be glad to get rid of

me: as I had plenty of room, I played my pranks, such as tumbling, hop,

step, and jump, &c., but nothing seemed to disturb him so much as the

quick motion of my feet in attempting to dance a hornpipe; soon after I

began he put me out by sudden fits and starts: I persevered; at last he

roared horridly, and stood up almost perpendicularly in the water, with

his head and shoulders exposed, by which he was discovered by the people

on board an Italian trader, then sailing by, who harpooned him in a few

minutes. As soon as he was brought on board I heard the crew consulting

how they should cut him up, so as to preserve the greatest quantity of

oil. As I understood Italian, I was in most dreadful apprehensions

lest their weapons employed in this business should destroy me also;

therefore I stood as near the centre as possible, for there was room

enough for a dozen men in this creature’s stomach, and I naturally

imagined they would begin with the extremities; however, my fears were

soon dispersed, for they began by opening the bottom of the belly. As

soon as I perceived a glimmering of light I called out lustily to be

released from a situation in which I was now almost suffocated. It is

impossible for me to do justice to the degree and kind of astonishment

which sat upon every countenance at hearing a human voice issue from a

fish, but more so at seeing a naked man walk upright out of his body;

in short, gentlemen, I told them the whole story, as I have done you,

whilst amazement struck them dumb.

After taking some refreshment, and jumping into the sea to cleanse

myself, I swam to my clothes, which lay where I had left them on the

shore. As near as I can calculate, I was near four hours and a half

confined in the stomach of this animal.

CHAPTER IX

_Adventures in Turkey, and upon the river Nile – Sees a balloon

over Constantinople; shoots at, and brings it down; finds a French

experimental philosopher suspended from it – Goes on an embassy to Grand

Cairo, and returns upon the Nile, where he is thrown into an unexpected

situation, and detained six weeks._

When I was in the service of the Turks I frequently amused myself in a

pleasure-barge on the Marmora, which commands a view of the whole city

of Constantinople, including the Grand Seignior’s Seraglio. One morning,

as I was admiring the beauty and serenity of the sky, I observed a

globular substance in the air, which appeared to be about the size of a

twelve-inch globe, with somewhat suspended from it. I immediately took

up my largest and longest barrel fowling-piece, which I never travel or

make even an excursion without, if I can help it; I charged with a ball,

and fired at the globe, but to no purpose, the object being at too great

a distance. I then put in a double quantity of powder, and five or six

balls: this second attempt succeeded; all the balls took effect, and

tore one side open, and brought it down. Judge my surprise when a most

elegant gilt car, with a man in it, and part of a sheep which seemed to

have been roasted, fell within two yards of me. When my astonishment

had in some degree subsided, I ordered my people to row close to this

strange aërial traveller.

I took him on board my barge (he was a native of France): he was much

indisposed from his sudden fall into the sea, and incapable of speaking;

after some time, however, he recovered, and gave the following account

of himself, viz.: «About seven or eight days since, I cannot tell which,

for I have lost my reckoning, having been most of the time where the sun

never sets, I ascended from the Land’s End in Cornwall, in the island of

Great Britain, in the car from which I have been just taken, suspended

from a very large balloon, and took a sheep with me to try atmospheric

experiments upon: unfortunately, the wind changed within ten minutes

after my ascent, and instead of driving towards Exeter, where I intended

to land, I was driven towards the sea, over which I suppose I have

continued ever since, but much too high to make observations.

«The calls of hunger were so pressing, that the intended experiments

upon heat and respiration gave way to them. I was obliged, on the third

day, to kill the sheep for food; and being at that time infinitely above

the moon, and for upwards of sixteen hours after so very near the sun

that it scorched my eyebrows, I placed the carcase, taking care to skin

it first, in that part of the car where the sun had sufficient power,

or, in other words, where the balloon did not shade it from the sun, by

which method it was well roasted in about two hours. This has been my

food ever since.» Here he paused, and seemed lost in viewing the objects

about him. When I told him the buildings before us were the Grand

Seignior’s Seraglio at Constantinople, he seemed exceedingly affected,