Love Islands: Summer Kisses

He had so many unanswered questions. So many things he wanted to say.

But she lifted her finger and placed it against his lips before he had a chance to speak. She gave the tiniest shake of her head. As if she was still trying to stay in the moment. Not trying to face up to the past, the present or the future.

His hand lifted and stroked her cheek. It was wet with tears. ‘Rach?’ he murmured.

She pulled back, her cheeks glistening. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I really am. But I just can’t talk about it. I can’t give us that time back. I just can’t.’ Her voice cracked and she stumbled to her feet, making a grab for her wrap. ‘I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I need to go.’

She was off in a flash, running towards the path away from the beach and back to the cabins. Nathan didn’t move. His heart was thudding against his chest. The caveman instinct in him wanted to run after her. But he could hardly get his head around what had just happened. Why had she kissed him?

He’d wanted to kiss her … but Rachel? Making the first move? It left him stunned.

Then his legs moved before he had a chance to think any more.

No. No, he wouldn’t let her do this. He wouldn’t let her disappear out of his life without explaining what had just happened. He pounded across the sand after her, catching up easily and grabbing her hand, spinning her around until she was back in his arms. His heart was thudding and his breathing rapid.

‘No, Rach. Don’t do this. This is it. This is the chance to clear the air between us. You have to tell me. Don’t you think after all this time I deserve to know?’

Her face was wet with tears now. He hated that. He hated to think he had anything to do with that.

But he couldn’t let this go. He just couldn’t. It was time for the truth.

His voice was rich with emotion. ‘Tell me.’

It was the thing that she’d always dreaded. The thing she’d never thought she would have to explain.

A thousand variations of the truth spun around in her head. Everything about it swamped her. The words she didn’t want to say out loud just came to her lips. It was almost involuntary, but she’d been holding it in so long it just had to come out.

‘I had renal cancer,’ she whispered. Her voice could barely be heard above the quiet waves. The final rays of the sun had vanished now. The beach was in complete darkness, with only the occasional twinkling star.

Every part of Nathan’s body stiffened. He turned towards her. He couldn’t hide the horror written across his face. ‘What? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’ He stiffened. It was as if something in his brain had just clicked. ‘That’s what the scar is on your back? You had your kidney removed?’

Her heart squeezed. It was obvious he was totally and utterly stunned.

The tears spilled down her cheeks and she nodded. ‘No one knew. I didn’t tell anyone.’ Her voice broke.

His arms moved from her shoulders. This time he put both his hands on the tops of her arms. He shook his head. ‘But why, Rachel? Why would you go through something like that alone? Why wouldn’t you tell me?’

Anger flared inside her. Years of pent-up frustration at having to do what she’d thought was right. ‘How could I? You and Charlie had just lost your parents. You were barely holding it together. I almost didn’t go for the tests. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I’d pushed all that to one side while I’d helped you plan the funeral.’

‘You ignored your symptoms because of me? Because of Charlie?’ He looked horrified. He kept shaking his head. ‘But when did you find out? When did you get the results?’

Her voice was shaking. ‘Just before I left. I arranged to get my treatment in Australia.’

‘That’s why you left? That’s why you left me?’ He was furious now. The ire in his voice was only vaguely clouded by disbelief.

She shook his hands off her arms. ‘Yes, that’s why I left. Why did you think I left? Because I didn’t love you any more?’ She was shouting now; she couldn’t help it. ‘Why? Why would I do that? Do you know what the statistics are for renal cancer? Do you know how it’s graded? You think I should have stayed? I should have stayed and put you and Charlie under even more pressure, even more stress? You were broken, Nathan—you both were. Can you imagine getting through your parents’ funeral and spending the next year trying to support a girlfriend who might die? What would that have done to you? What would that have done to Charlie? Why on earth would I do that to two people that I loved?’

She was almost spitting the words out now, all the years of pent-up frustration firing through her veins. All the anger. All the bitterness of being on her own and not being supported by the people that she’d loved. She’d had her mother, but their relationship had been different. She hadn’t lived with her for more than seven years—since she’d gone to the UK and started university. It wasn’t the same as having the people she’d grown to love beside her. It wasn’t just Nathan and Charlie she’d walked away from—she’d also left her father. He’d tried to understand, he really had, but it had changed their relationship too.

Nathan stood up and paced the beach with his hands on his hips, his head constantly shaking. ‘I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that’s why you left. You didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me enough to tell me about the cancer? You didn’t think I would support you through it? You didn’t think I could handle it?’

He was angry but she felt even angrier. If she could stamp her feet on the soft sand that was exactly what she’d be doing.

‘That’s just it. I knew you would support me through it. And I knew Charlie would too. But in a year’s time you might have ended up organising another funeral. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t put you both in that position.’

‘That wasn’t your choice to make!’ he spat out. ‘We were together. We were a partnership. I thought we meant something to each other. I loved you, Rachel.’

‘And I loved you. That’s why I left!’

Their faces were inches apart. He was furious at her, and she was equally furious with him. How dare he think she’d just upped and walked away without a second thought? She hadn’t even realised that she’d been angry with him too. Angry that he didn’t come after her. Angry that he didn’t jump on a plane to Australia to find her.

Of course she knew that hadn’t been a possibility. She knew that he’d had Charlie to look after, but it still made her feel as if he hadn’t loved her enough.

Not as much as she loved him.

Wow. The thought muddled around in her brain. She wasn’t thinking about the past. She was thinking about the present. No matter what had happened between them, she still loved Nathan Banks. She’d never stopped. Her legs wobbled a little.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t trust me, Rachel. I can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to let me be by your side when you were sick.’ The anger had left his voice. Now, it was just disbelief. It was obvious he’d been blindsided by this. He looked as if she’d torn his heart out and left it thrown on the beach.

‘I’ve always trusted you, Nathan,’ she said quietly. She couldn’t look at him right now, with the tears falling down her cheeks. ‘I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. If things had gone the other way we wouldn’t be standing here having this conversation. You’ve no idea how many of the people I met at that treatment centre aren’t here any more. I was lucky. I beat the odds. I just couldn’t guarantee that. I didn’t want you to have to bury someone else that you loved.’

He stepped forward, his finger brushing a tear from her cheek. ‘I didn’t need guarantees from you, Rachel. I just needed you.’ His voice cracked and she shook her head.

‘I’m sorry, Nathan. I’m sorry I didn’t stay and help with Charlie. I’m sorry you had to change your speciality. But even if I had stayed, I couldn’t have helped. I was too sick, too weak to have been of any use. There was no way I wanted to be a burden to you. You wouldn’t have been able to stand the strain of working long hours, looking after Charlie and looking after me. No one would.’

‘You can’t say that! You don’t know. You didn’t give us the chance to find out.’ Pure frustration was written all over his face.

She pressed her hand to her heart and closed her eyes. These were selfish words but she had to say them. There was no other way. She had to try and make him understand just a little. ‘But what about me, Nathan? I had to concentrate on getting better. I had to concentrate on getting well. I couldn’t afford to worry about you and Charlie too. I barely had enough energy to open my eyes in the morning let alone think about anyone else. I wouldn’t have been a help. I would have been a hindrance, a drain.’ She shook her head again. ‘You didn’t need that.’

Nathan didn’t hesitate for a second. He stepped forward and gripped her arm. ‘You had no right. No right to make that decision for me. You had no right to make that decision for Charlie. You were our family. You were all we had left.’

His words took the air right out of her. In every scenario she’d imagined over the last few years she’d always believed that what she’d done had been for the best. But the force of his reaction was wiping her out. She’d always felt guilty but she’d never really considered this. He’d been grief-stricken—already feeling abandoned by his family. But hearing his words now made her feel sick.

Yes, her actions had been selfish. But she’d thought she’d done it out of love. Now, she was beginning to wonder if playing the martyr had been the most selfish thing that she could have done.

Her legs wobbled underneath her and she collapsed back down onto the blanket, putting her head in her hands. Everything was going so wrong.

Minutes ago she’d been in Nathan’s arms—the place she truly wanted to be. Minutes ago he’d been kissing her and now, with one sweep of his fingertips and the touch of a scar, there was just a world of recriminations. Exactly what she’d dreaded.

She’d expected Nathan to storm off and not talk to her any more. But he hadn’t.

He stepped forward and took her hands in his. Pain was etched on his face. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had renal cancer. I’m sorry you thought you had to go to the other side of the world alone to be treated. But you should have never done that, Rachel. You should have never walked away—no matter how well-intentioned you thought it was. This was about trust. This was about you and me. You didn’t trust me enough to stay.’ He dropped her hands. ‘I just don’t think I can get past this.’

He stepped back and she felt a wave of panic come over her. ‘I did love you, Nathan. Really, I did.’ Her voice dropped as she realised how painful it must be to hear those words.

He spun back around and glared at her. ‘Really? Well, you replaced me as soon as you got to Australia. With Darius.’ He almost spat the words at her.

It was pure frustration and she knew it. ‘You decided you trusted him enough to help you through your surgery and treatment. Someone you barely even knew. So don’t give me that, Rachel. Don’t lie to me. I’ve had just about as much as I can take.’

He turned on his heel and strode across the beach, never once looking back.

She crumpled to the ground and started to sob. The night was ruined. Everything about this was wrong. She’d always been sure about her decision—so sure that she’d done the right thing. Now, her brain was spinning. Her thoughts were jumbled. For the first time in her life she wondered if she might have been wrong.

It was pathetic. She was pathetic. But all she’d wanted to do was kiss him. So she had. No rational thought behind it. She’d acted purely on selfish instinct.

It was just too hard. It was too hard to be this close to him again and not touch him. In the past when she’d been with Nathan she’d spent most of her time in his arms. He’d completed her. He’d given her confidence when she’d doubted her abilities and strength when she’d struggled with the long hours of being a junior doctor.

She’d loved being with him. She’d loved being part of his family. Her own mother and father had split years before, her father staying in England and her mother settling in Australia. And although they loved her and she loved them, it had been a disjointed kind of upbringing.

When Nathan and Charlie’s parents had died it had broken her. She’d wanted to be strong for them both. And she’d managed it right up until she’d found out about her diagnosis.

It had been the final straw.

And all of this was flooding back. For too long she’d kept it in a box—far out of reach, somewhere it couldn’t affect her emotions. She couldn’t concentrate on what her leaving had done to Nathan and Charlie. She’d been so focused on getting well and getting through her treatment that she hadn’t allowed herself space to think about any of this. When her treatment was over, she’d focused on her career, trying to get things back on track after taking a year out.

But she’d never got over the guilt attached to leaving Nathan. She’d never got over the fact she didn’t have the guts to say goodbye to Charlie; one tear from him would have been the end of her and she would never have made it onto that plane.

She was lucky. She’d had a good outcome and for that she was so grateful. But it hadn’t been guaranteed. The prospect of deteriorating and forcing Nathan and Charlie to be by her side had been unthinkable.

And, even though she had a barrel-load of regrets, if she had her time over she would still get on that plane. She would still walk away to face the cancer on her own.

Except she hadn’t really been on her own. She’d had her mum in Australia and then, even though it wasn’t what people thought, she’d had Darius too.

It could barely be called a romance. There might have been a few kisses exchanged but it had been entirely different from the relationship she’d had with Nathan. There had never been the passion, the deep underlying attraction. It had almost been like a mutual support society. At times he had been a shoulder to cry on. And during her surgery and renal cancer treatment that was exactly what she’d needed.

Nathan hated her. It didn’t matter that he’d kissed her back. Every time he looked at her she could see it in his eyes. If only she could have just five minutes when he looked at her like he’d used to. Just five minutes.

But the world was full of people with ‘if only’s. It was too late to be one of those. She wasn’t here to re-examine her faulty love life. She’d never managed to sustain a decent relationship since the break-up with Nathan. At first she’d had no time or energy for it. No one quite seemed to live up to the man she’d left behind.

But this Nathan was different. He wasn’t the same person she’d loved. She could see the changes behind his eyes. In the weathered lines on his face—textured in the eight years she hadn’t known him. Who had he loved in that time?

What had she just done? If she’d thought this island was claustrophobic before, she’d just made the situation ten times worse.

She’d been so careful. After her initial exchange of words with Nathan she’d tried to be so cool about things. She understood his resentment. Nathan must hate her.

But it couldn’t stop all the feelings he was reviving in her—all the memories. She’d dealt with her renal cancer the best way she felt she could. But it didn’t stop her regretting her actions every time she looked at him.

Part of her was resentful too. How would life have turned out if the renal cancer hadn’t happened? Would they have come to Australia together and settled here? Would they both have stuck at their chosen specialities? She already knew that Nathan had changed his plans—would that have happened if they’d still been together?

Something coiled inside her. Her life could have been so different.

His life could have been so different.

Their lives could have been so different.

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