Abu. To Be Who You Are

I, myself, had always been my own enemy and struggled all my life with myself. And now the struggle with self was over, it has transformed into love. You cannot argue with your needs and desires. And if for some reason my thorny path was needed, it was so that all my desires now are accepted as the only correct ones. All this became clear from my first visit to Goa. The state that gave me my female rebellion, showed me firmly: denial and vanity are over. All the doors are open, just push, do not look for the key.

The plan of what I want to do next was getting ripe in my head, and this plan was much more interesting than any film sets and the stage of theaters. I thought of everything because Iremembered all the signs that life showed me. And I accepted myself as I am. I will go to any extent, if I must.

Goa seemed a paradise to me, a place of immortality, but I was ready to die in it even when the hour of deliverance from the tyranny of the body came. The feeling of deficiency had vanished. And I enjoyed my favorite summer, the sun, to the hilt.

My sweet memories of childhood here were not only about the summer holidays in Kaliningrad, but also of the earlier creche days: when at a quiet hour I was lying on a cot in my pajamas under a blanket among the children peacefully sleeping and snuffling, and I looked at the clouds. Everyone was asleep, and I, with open eyes, quietly played with my imagination. These animated images from the clouds, changing and reincarnating into evil, and then again in good characters… And I was not afraid of either, realizing that the crumbling picture of one plot is the beginning of the next one. And I liked their unpredictability, innumerable variations and their speed. The happiest times and events in my life came back to me from my childhood dreams, I again found it interesting to live. I returned to my happy, long lost and almost forgotten self.

Here I wanted to whirl and whirl, drowning in the new emotions with which the Goan land is so generous, over this warm, divine coastal sand, surrounded by aroma of spices. The game of life continued. The interest of the explorer of the world around and the world inside himself was set off and turned into a plot without a genre. Whirling. So, I allowed myself to have everything I want. Never say “never”.

All happened long ago, all will happen again. Only recognition of the moment is sweet.

4 – ABU – THE FIRST MEETING

– Impossible. -Possible, if you believe in that. Alice in Wonderland

There’s no any sense to waste all your life for only the one path, especially if this path has no heart. Do this as if it’s just a dream. Act bravely and don’t look for excuses. Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. Carlos Castaneda

You’re never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. Richard Bach

The journey from Moscow to Goa took place without incident.

“And, whenyou want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Paulo Coelho.

Life always waits for a right moment to start acting. And I began creating myself consciously.

With full awareness, that it’s impossible to refill a full cup if not to get sorted out the baggage of the old stuff in the form of my past experience, out moded conceptions and the loose ends to tie up, I’ve made a cleaning of my life in all three dimensions: the past, the present and even the future, in which I had already had the loose debris- my hardened view regarding the future. Looking at my own mother, I stopped living as if I had two hundred years more ahead. The reorganization has brought me remarkable force and new energy. I’ve brought to an end each and every open issue to avoid even a hint of the possibility to stop or cancel my plans. I’ve handed out all my winter shoes and clothes to my friends, gave away some of the furniture, utensils, technique and the souvenirs I brought from my trips. I’ve even cleaned my virtual space by deleting all useless files and photos based on the principle that purification releases the energy. I’ve had enough even of the unreasonable stereotype of creative disorder covered by some art tendencies. It’s time to speed up, and a big load means less speed. The old accumulated information has become unnecessary for me now, it has might be atrophied completely the ability to hear the voice of my soul.

Any information tend to accumulate, it goes nowhere out of our subconscious, we have to filter it, otherwise, it inevitably trashes our channels and portals, creating enormous info noise. Because of that, we can easily make a lot of mistakes, and I’ve already had more than enough of them.

I’ve cleaned all the garbage out of my life in the physical, energy and mental layers. Without a deep searching of goals, senses, missions and destiny, or in another case it would take me twenty more years of my life and plenty of energy. So I’ve divorced my unloved husband with no regrets. Surely it hasn’t been without scandals, but with my son’s blessings too. The first time I’ve been married by my mother’s order, and the second one by my son’s request. Now I could live not for my mother, not for my son’s sake, but for my own. Burning my favourite Indian incense I’ve also been burning all the bridges, and I couldn’t help bursting into tears when I’d got a letter from my son in the army.

By that letter, he informed me, that when he’s back, he was not going to live in the illusory family any longer. He was going to rent a flat with a friend. Also, he saw how I suffered because of him, as my marriage, after all, was his idea and it wasn’t able to make me happy as he wished. He was thankful to me for my best years given to him. And in conclusion, he said: “Mom I will be happy if you become happy!” Those words have become the real blessing and the guidance from my son. Didn’t it look like some kind of mysticism, when 18 years ago I gave myself exactly that quantity of years for my liberation?

It’s impossible to love forcibly, with the best of intentions, by the fear of being alone or by order. It’s much easier to live with no love but what’s the sense. “Till the time you vacant space in your life for someone important to you, that you are, you will always seek and lose.” R. Bach. Now I was to find. I knew that love is tough if it’s true love, but where insecurity and risks are greatest there hopes are greatest too. Initially try to hear yourself. Learn to feel joy in your own company. Become happy enough that you’re not bothered anymore by the fact whether someone comes to your not.

I was already in love with India and was ready for any risks. I was very careful with my thoughts as I knew they create the reality. I’ve preferred India for my country or any other. I felt like a migrant or like a migratory bird. A person can do whatever he or she likes if he accepts taking responsibilities for that. Summing up my life by the age of forty, I’ve realized that my life was just beginning. The biggest resistance comes because of fear- the fear of the unknown. I wasn’t afraid as I was convinced that the Heavenly Powers never judge or criticize us, they accept us as we are, and afterwards only reflect our own beliefs automatically.

When I observed my countrymen in different countries, I’ve noticed tha wherever Russians would be settled down they never leave their country, except the cases when they fell in love. A refugee, an immigrant, an exile for Russian man it’s a dream of a glorious coming back. It’s an eternal paradox: looking to the future with the eyes turned back to the past. For many of them, it’s just another country, some abroad, a nation of strangers with the comfortable warm climate. A house, ordinarily rented, as a waiting room for the chimaera of dreams or, in other words, it’s waiting for an easy death in comfortable conditions.

Among other things in Goa, I paid attention to the enormous quantity of females of reproductive age, who brought themselves to the country with male outnumbering and still stay so naive to think that they can accomplish their maternal instincts. And in doing so they remain certain that their rights are still valid without any changing of the patterns in home-grown responsibility. Whereas truly happy international marriages, not arranged marriages in India, can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

I’ve also watched another category of my countrymen in Goa, leading a life of committed followers of “Dao De Dzin” on the theory of treatise Wu Wei attributed to Lao Tzu. More to the point, it’s non-action in which you can attain the Heavenly, or in other words, contemplative passivity. There’s a lack of motivation for an action due to the absence of causes. When there’s no thinking, no valuation, no desire. So they follow this lifestyle, completely forgetting that such existence is true only for enlightened people, whose mind is soft and disciplined, and totally enslaved by the human’s deep nature. Convinced in their progressiveness and enlightenment, they turn themselves into an alive fossil, creating their own system of discrimination onexternal appearances, feeding habits, areas of residence, but also they reproduce, preach and sell something.

Due to my age and experience, I preferred not to be considered to any category. I like the members of the cat family: tigers, lions, cats. They’re people with their own convictions, ideas, opinions and the way of thinking; people who like cats are always on their own, and each of them is unique and special; people who are not flocking in a pack, a crowd, a political party, a caste, a tribe or a family united by the same sound in the family name.

India has awakened me from forty years of sleeping when I first got to Hampi. There came an understanding, that the world is fragmented and impermanent. I felt like a tiny puppet among the centuries-old granite rocks of bizarre shapes looking like some giant decorations in a puppet theatre. Even casual conversations, advertisement on the way, insignificant small things were influencing me. I know myself the puppet systems, already had the experience of controlling them, but in Hampi, I’ve traded places with a puppet master, found my place of strength. And I’ve cut the threads from an illusory puppet master, artificially imposed by the modern repressive traditional world, as I’d got realized that even without them everything i interconnected in this world. I just need to pay attention to every detail, to tune in and surrender to Nature.

I understood that it’s useless making plannings for the life or thinking over big changes, but I need to act here and now inspired by new emotions and fresh impressions. We all tend to change as time goes on. I am individuality who is able to model my movement trajectory on my own, but not passively accept whatever, trying to fit in some stable prearranged order.

Exactly in Hampi, it struck me, that our personal greater good comes not from limitations and social roles we take, but from our bright and radical ideas, which undermine all social conventions, pushing forward the boundaries of our mind and its opportunities. Yes, I’ve decided, great changes are about to take place. Keep on moving forward! No plans!

Sitting in a really warm and comfortable Moscow apartment with uninterrupted electricity, gas and water and looking through my recent photos from the Indian trip, I’ve been smiling to the future. By that, the Universe was sending me its signs. All that was left was to read them and to decipher with a help of my intuition. What a strange meaning the words have taken! Almost twenty years ago when I was clawing my way into the metropolitan life for me and my son, I worked according to my vocation of the puppet theatre actress, lived independently avoiding the manipulative controlling from my mother and it used to be enough. That time I’ve been convinced, that everything was going according to the plan. And now the question arose: “What kind of job could I possibly get in India to have the opportunity to stay there?”

While still in sunny Goa, I had bought at the bookstore the entire series ofchildren’s books “Akbar and Birbal” for my further self-study of English, and that’s when I’ve made the optimistic decision- coming back to live and work in India. I’ve certainly been an optimist. “Optimists have their dreams come true, and pessimiststheir nightmares.” B. Show. I’ve myself set off some remote control at me, and with my own hands was switching my programmes. And all the programmes were showing only my sense of purpose. In any source of the information I used to find only the confirmation of the rightness of my decision.

“The only way to live good is leaving those places where you feel bad. Don’t change your dreams only because you don’t know how to make them true.

Only three things make a person happy: love, an interesting work and an opportunity to travel.” Bunin. Listen to your heart and act how your intuition tells you and you will find your way.

“Life is like a blank canvas. It’s up to you how you want to paint it. Just paint what you want. And don’t listen to those who don’t know how to paint. Not that one is happy who has all the best, but that one who extracts the best from what he has.” Confucius.

Even opening my diary from two decades earlier, I got into the pages with the Victor Tsoy quotes from my youth: “There’s no prison more scaring than that one inside your head”, “I am a free man as I always did what I liked and never did what I didn’t like”, “Our hearts demand changes”. Yes, life would be very tragic if it were not so funny. I was laughing. Browsing through never-ending advertising websites in search of work, I’ve come across the right vacancy. A new job as a tour guide. I felt quite capable for that role, and also it seemed an interesting job to do suited to my mentality and character. All things were incredibly successful. The biggest part of obscure issues of my future has taken the form of a happy ending. That’s for sure, to there where someone is waiting for us we arrive just in time.

Soon I’ve been invited for an interview. I wasn’t surprised by that. Who searches, always finds. That was bound to happen. After the meeting, the place of my work has been defined- a tourist guide in the North Goa. Hurrah! The training course has been started, it added to my English lessons also daily classes on India culture and history. The reading list I was searching all over Moscow, rare books I ordered over the Internet. I read and wrote down all the information, systematized dates and events, discovered for myself so many new things. I was running all over town from one training to another, barely remembering to fill the car. In order to catch the happiness, you have to know how to run. Success in life and self-realization are possible only at a fast speed.

I approached the completion of my plan knowing that its realization would definitely change my life for the better. I had no doubt in its achievement, unconditionally believing in myself, my own strength and courage. Also, I’ve held sacred my faith that I’m able to fight for my love. First of all, I’ve made my bet on true feelings for making my life complete with a true relationship.

“Any human will bring us sufferings. We just need to find someone worthy of our sufferings.” Bob Marley said. “A relationship is not a goal and not a reason for living, but just an instrument for a full healthy life. The only purpose of communication is collaboration, co-creation.” V. Sinelnikov

I’ve started taking each day of my life as a precious gift offering to me. I’ve simply accepted the game with my arising wishes in the same manner as the Arabian Sea was playing with its beloved waves in the vastness of the Indian Ocean. I believed, that a real and decent man inevitably would feel me and wish to stay with me until the end. Just because.. I’m such woman.

A happy free woman!

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Confucius.

According to your faith be it done to you.” – those are words from the Bible. Jeff Foster convinced, and I join him, that we are bound to get in this life those things in which we believe. We must know that we not always will have answers to our questions, but it doesn’t mean that we’re lonely in this world. We must understand that the life not always will have a meaning or go according to our plans, but it doesn’t mean that we won’t be able to find what we’ve been looking for so long. Whatever we wanted will find us in right time, when we are destined to get it, and when we’re ready to accept that gift. We just need to let go, to clear the way, to have faith. And allow what is meant to be ours, find us.

Life is not necessary a soap opera with endless drama and troubles. There is always some space for changes at any time, any moment of life, and I’ve become to notice that the range of new opportunities and unexpected chances around me expanded. Daily lectures on India history and culture were held by two instructors in turns, they not only knew the theory perfectly but have also done not only one season themselves.

Already on “getting to know each other” stage at our first lesson in Moscow, in Arbat where out training took place, I’ve realized where I had got into. I was surrounded by absolutely not random people. Each student introduced and told about himself in a few words. Here was a guy who worked as an army translator during six years and knew English and Arabian languages, the girl from Sakhalin who taught English and knew Japanese, two guys knew English and Spanish languages and they have graduated from MSU; teachers, interpreters, flight attendants, tourist guides with over seven years of work experience, journalists..

Initially, I was seized with an admiration from a new generation, and suddenly an understanding that I was among them by some miracle has come over me. I’ve become convincing myself that I belong to the group of those rare lucky guys, who are able to turn their hobby into the work and to use their skills from the previous jobs for the present activities. I need to become more productive, effective and happy. “The work of a tourist guide only will help me to reveal my creative side as a theatre actress” – I’ve decided, and tried not to puss out.

Focusing on the development of my own emotional and spiritual levels, I didn’t compare myself with others. I started training my memory skills, to awake the sleeping talents, the improvisation and the ability to think rationally in any situation. Before, I would be overwhelmed with doubts, beat myself up with the question: “what am I doing here among these young achievers?”, I would be terrified just with the thoughts about big changes in my life, was doubtful even of the correctness of my dreams. But now I’ve had faith in myself. My own journey has begun and I followed my own heart desires. I’ve transformed my current thought stream and intentionally turned it in the right direction: no panic. The things you take easy don’t control you anymore. And I haven’t given up.

“The highest pleasure is to do what others say you can not do.” Walter Bagehot.

The time has come. All courses were over, the car was sold. I doubt there was anyone happier than me. Happiness is contagious. The happier you are, the happier all around you are. And although fairytales don’t exist, I attempted to live a not boring life full of adventures.

“Have you ever felt that you were missing someone who you’ve never met?” Richard Bach.

Yes, I felt his absence during forty years. “There’re no perfect people, but there’s always someone perfect for you.” I believed to Bob Marley. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited, meanwhile, for the imagination even the world is not enough. And Abu had already settled in my imagination.

Clearly connected by something bigger than just an incident, our friendly group has arrived at the airport as a whole by the agreed time. The date of the flight matched one girl from our group’s birthday. And we were celebrating on the run, at the airport. We all were like a family, all so different we’ve become very close to each other after this one-month training. Our company indeed were quite motley, but very tight-knit. Everyone has noted that fact.

On arrival in India, we were going to have a guided tour- going all the way to all the tourist destinations which our tourist company provided. And it was much more interesting when we’ve been already prepared theoretically. By some joke at the baggage claim exactly our birthday girl’s baggage had been lost. But it didn’t discourage us and I shared my clothes with her. The organizers attempted to plan everything in the best possible way. And if our training in Moscow has been paid by us, then all expenses on the guided tour were covered by the company. The flight tickets, the accommodation, the food and the visas all was paid by the company. We’ve landed in Delhi. The only difference between a good and a bad day- is how you take it! It was just a perfect day! And one more time “Namaste” India! Things moved so fast that we just didn’t pay attention to some minor irritants: trash, dust, dirty streets, slum, deadly odour from the Yamuna river.

The amount of information, the rate we moved and the constant talks with each other have turned into a carousel from which I wasn’t allowed to fall out in spite of my age. My head was spinning around, but I’ve kept on making notes and my big note-book was going to an end. Sometimes I sketched the routes, wrote down English words and Indian names by Russian letters. But I really had lack of time for the English grammar. Nothing could stop me, everything brought some joy. I was always uplifted and in a very good mood, which was helping me to keep on my toes. All that was happening could be compared with a non-stop rotating caleidoscope. Everything was spinning before my eyes and inside my head, carrying me away into the depth of the Samsara wheel. Everything was rushing with the speed of sound but left to me the impressions and the gratitude for I’ve had a chance to see all that, to hear, to visit the places, to value, to remember and to make my collection of the exciting stories for my public. My audience was waiting for me, my new spectators the tourists.

Three days later our group of twenty people have been going already for a week tour to see tourist sites of Karnataka. The wasn’t even a sign of tiredness on our faces. Waking up the early morning we packed our stuff and took our places in the car. Among already familiar faces I’ve noticed a fresh one.

I’ve turned around at the sounds of the voice which seemed to me rich and credible. Such voice certainly used to be heard, a very good speaking voice with strong vocal cords and articulate speech; it was deep, loud and graceful at the same time. He was talking with an intonation of the BBC newscaster. The voice belonged to not tall, dark-skinned, sporty type man with sparkling eyes, who was rubbing his earlobe with the big and the index fingers. ABU.

He stood out among all others not only by his bright red t-shirt, the cap with a long brim and the natural tan skin, but he had a discerning eye with the light resembling the first rays of the rising sun. And only the small Mephistopheles beard was sticking up on his clean-shaven skull. It seemed to me that he was gazing through all the dimensions at the same time. With a springy walk, he has come to the crowd of the tour participants taking seats in the cars. Who was he? The guy has joined our big group so naturally, that not all at once spotted him. He was talking with the organizers, shaking the hands and was quite active in general. ABU.

I couldn’t catch the meaning of his words as he spoke English. But I could hear how clear and beautiful was his voice, I stood and stared at his sincere, open, wide smile with which he used to charm the people around him so easily. He carried himself so naturally without a shadow of being phoney or any attempts to show off that he has immediately taken over you. ABU.

Abu and me were sitting in different cars, that was decided by the organizers. But at every stop, for breakfast, lunch or sightseeing, Abu filled out the entire space and seized the attention of the people around him. And I still couldn’t get a single word. Although I’ve right away noted his talent and the acting ability for he was grabbing attention like a magnet. There have been quite a few Indians with us, but Abu was everyone’s favourite. He was charismatic, one of a kind, a man with the spirit capable to engage you, arouse your interest and hold your attention, he could easily make you laugh or to make you think without any attempts to preach. Even without understanding the meaning of the words, I could see how he controlled the audience and it has helped me to realize the way of the right interaction with tourists like an actress in front of theatre spectators.