Secrets in the Snow

‘Hey there!’ she begins, and then lets out a bold rip of laughter. ‘I bet you two weren’t expecting to hear from me again, were you? Oh, Aidan Murphy and Roisin O’Connor! My two favourite people who made my whole world complete!’

She blows kisses, starting off her message with a bang just as I expected, and within the first few seconds her vibrancy has me smiling through my tears.

‘You know, I do feel a bit like Queen Elizabeth on Christmas Day sitting here addressing my people!’ she tells us, giving us a royal wave. ‘Now, I hope you two are sitting comfortably – actually, I hope you two are watching this together like I asked you to or else I might come back to haunt you!’

She can’t stop laughing and I can’t stop grinning, even though my nerves are in pieces.

‘So, what’s this all about, then …?’ she says, asking the million dollar question we both want to know the answer to. ‘Well, I wish I could say that I’m leaving you both a set of keys to my Hollywood mansion from where I made my fortune in LA, or that I’d some big trust fund set aside for Ben, or that I’ve a holiday home in the Bahamas for you all to share, but you know I don’t. I wish I did, but I don’t.’

She pauses. Her mood dips and she looks a little more serious now as she rubs her chin and thinks before she continues. I shift in my chair and glance quickly at Aidan who hasn’t moved an inch, but unlike my state of awe at seeing her he instead wears a frown and is leaning forward, fidgeting as she speaks.

‘I have four little messages for you, one for each season for you both in the hope that it might keep you on track on your first journey around the sun without me, and then after that I’ll be out of your hair for ever.’

She laughs a little, and pauses for a moment. Then, she takes a long breath and smiles directly at the camera.

‘I know each of you might feel alone in the world right now, but please remember you are my family, Aidan and Roisin,’ she tells us, focusing firmly on the camera now. ‘We may not be connected through blood, but we are as deep as the ocean and as close as best friends can be. We are family.’

I momentarily lose my breath at the mention of the word ‘family’. I can’t look at Aidan as I fear he might be struggling too. Mabel has always known I have no immediate family to turn to in my life, and I’d never even thought of it, but Aidan is the same now too. Yes, he has his wife in New York, but Mabel was no doubt a different source of comfort to him before they lost touch in recent times.

‘I also know you are both very afraid right now,’ she says, hitting the nail on the head once more. ‘Roisin, I know you are afraid of raising Ben on your own, but you are stronger than I could ever have given you credit for. I wanted to remind you to open your heart for God’s sake and don’t be so afraid to love again, my girl! You’ve come so far and you deserve to love everything about life, I’ve always told you that and it’s not going to change now, so get those walls down and let someone love you for the wonderful person you are inside!’

I fetch a tissue from up my sleeve and lean my face into it, my heart bursting with gratitude at hearing her kind words again, even if she’s telling me off a little. And then she focuses on her nephew again.

‘And Aidan,’ she tells him softly. ‘Yes, you are raw and hurt, and maybe a little bit angry at what life has thrown at you, but you need to make changes and you need to take some time out right now! Aidan, it’s time you put your foot on the brakes and reassess where life is taking you, because I fear it’s going in the wrong direction and I believe you know that too.’

I glance across at the man beside me, constantly fearful that he mightn’t want to continue with Mabel’s message any more. He may be a lot more fragile than I originally thought and I can almost feel the stress that sits on his shoulders, weighing him down. He has a lot going on, he said. I really hope that Mabel’s words can help him as they’ve always helped me.

I lick my lips slowly, rolling my fingers on my sleeves, a habit that rears its head when I’m nervous or emotional.

‘I know that each of you didn’t like to hear what I had to say sometimes,’ she says, ‘but I’ve always had your best interests at heart. So please take some time for yourself for once, Aidan. And be brave like I know you can be.’

Her voice shakes again and her face crumbles. She takes a deep breath.

‘I know by now that I’ve already had my last winter in this lifetime and I’m lucky to have that knowledge,’ she tells us, looking a bit stronger now. ‘But some of us don’t know when we are living out our last seasons, so now that I’m gone, I’d love you to do something crazy today that makes you feel alive! Do something to awaken your senses! Do something that makes you scream with the joy of life! Go on! Do it for me! Do it together and do it for fun!’

I breathe out, imagining how I’d manage to muster up the energy to do something fun and spontaneous today when the snow is thick on the ground outside and I’ve been feeling so low that I can barely function.

The past week has been so grim, dark and quiet without Mabel living next door, and it’s pained me even to exist sometimes, but her words remind me how she always pushed me out of my comfort zone, building my confidence to help me keep going. I close my eyes knowing she is trying to do this once more.

She continues.

‘I know I’ll never roll a snowball again with Ben or argue with him over trivia at Christmas dinner, but he has so many more Christmas memories to make, haven’t you my little monster!’

She stops, purses her lips together and closes her eyes at the mention of Ben and I wish now that I’d pushed him a little more to watch this. Maybe he will when he is ready.

‘And I know that he too will be very, very brave,’ she says. She pauses and manages a smile as her eyes sparkle with tears. ‘Oh, how I love him so!’

She sheds a tear now and looks away as drips of emotion roll down her face, then she dabs her cheeks gently, purses her lips again, and breathes in and out slowly to regain composure.

‘Oh, it’s absolute balls, really, isn’t it!’ she says louder now, trying her best to force a smile through her tears. ‘It’s absolutely horrible knowing you’re going to die. It’s a load of … it’s …’

She pauses and composes herself once again. She looks exhausted, and a whirlwind of questions are going through my head, but her next words stop me in my tracks.

‘I’ve organized some of my better quality clothes that might suit your shop, Roisin. Maybe the two of you could go through them together when you feel the time is right?’ she says, quite matter-of-factly, as if she is racing towards the end of her message now. ‘And among the clothes I’ve left you both a secret gift to discover together. You can chuck the rest, or recycle them or whatever, but I hope you like the little keepsake I’ve left for you to find.’

I gasp in wonder and anticipation at what the keepsake might be, already feeling a cloak of comfort wrap around me knowing I’ve something that once belonged to Mabel to look forward to.

‘Yes, winter can be bleak and dark, but we can always find colour in our imagination,’ she says as she finishes off for now. ‘So until next season, keep safe and warm, my beautiful family. Please know you are never alone and look after each other, knowing that by doing so, I’ll never be too far away, guiding you along the way, I hope, in the right direction.’

7.

Aidan and I sit in silence for what feels like ages, taking in what we can from what Mabel had to say.

‘Are you OK?’ I ask him, trying to break the ice between us, but he doesn’t answer at first, his face changing expression rapidly as a train of thought no doubt charges through his mind.

I feel like reaching out to him with a squeeze of a hand or a tight hug just like Mabel would have done, or would have perhaps wanted me to do on her behalf, but he looks like he is in a different world and I certainly don’t think he’s the hugging or touching kind.

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ he says rubbing his forehead. ‘I’m absolutely fine.’

‘That’s good,’ I say as he stands up and stares up at the ceiling. I wait for him to ask me the same question in return but he doesn’t. I do my best to digest what I can from Mabel’s winter message just now. The reminder to us both to have fun and do something today to make us feel alive … the passing on of a keepsake with her clothing … telling me firmly to open up to love again, and there was a strong message for Aidan in a strict reminder to be brave, to take time out, and make changes. I know Mabel. I know she means business. She would have chosen her words deliberately and carefully with our best interests at heart.

Now, I’m wondering where we go from here.

‘I’d better be off then,’ says Aidan, standing up suddenly from the armchair.

‘You’re going already?’ I ask, trying to mask how abrupt I’m finding his actions. I thought we might talk about her a little, reminisce perhaps, or at least give her message a bit of time together.

‘Yes, yes, I am,’ he says, looking at his watch. ‘I’ve even more to think about now than I had before, and that’s saying something. Thanks for giving me a nudge to do so.’

I pull the curtains open, wishing I’d tidied the place a bit better now that the daylight is showing up how it needs dusting after days of mourning and neglect.

‘A shove, more like it?’ I suggest, feeling it a more appropriate description of my earlier approach. I was hardly subtle when I begged and pleaded with him not to make me wait.

‘OK, a shove then,’ he says and smiles. He holds my gaze now. ‘Clever old Mabel, reminding me how it feels to have no family to call your own.’

He swallows back emotion and presses his lips together, looks at the floor, then directly at me again.

‘You have your wife?’ I say to him, trying to remind him that he isn’t as alone as he may feel right now. ‘You have a whole new world of family with her?’

‘Yes,’ he mumbles. ‘OK, so I’d best be on my way again. Until next season, eh?’

‘Sorry?’

He brushes past me and looks out through the window.

I glance after him following his eye-line. The snow is still thick on the ground, but otherwise it’s quite a nice day out. It’s cold, no doubt, but fresh and the type of day that would give you a rosy glow in your cheeks.

‘I’ll let you know when I get the next message from her. Oh, and I’ll dig out those clothes she was talking about too so you can find your keepsake, whatever that might be.’

He turns to face me and looks straight at me with a force of determination, reminding me how he doesn’t want to discuss this any further. Mabel has certainly hit a nerve with him, but what is it he needs to change in his life, I wonder? Why does she think he needs some time out so badly?

I feel like I’ve much more to discuss with him before he walks away, but I’ve no idea why or what it might be. He marches towards the front door and I scramble in my head to find something.

‘Mabel said to have some fun,’ I say to him quickly just as his hand reaches for the handle on the door. He stops. ‘I think she’d like you to have fun, Aidan. She said to do something to make you feel alive today. Something spontaneous, something that reminds you you’re alive.’

He looks back at me as if I’ve lost the plot. Maybe I have because I’ve no idea what I’m suggesting he does, despite Mabel’s instructions.

‘Fun? Here? Like do what exactly?’ he asks me. ‘Ballybray isn’t exactly hopping with things to do, is it?’

‘No, not compared to the bright lights of New York, I suppose, but … but what was your favourite thing to do as a child when you lived here?’ I ask him, wide-eyed with hope that he might remember something. ‘You must have a happy memory of the snow? Tell me what it is and we’ll do it in Mabel’s honour!’

Aidan stammers, scrambling I know in his mind for excuses for why he can’t or why he doesn’t want to.

I recognize Mabel in my own actions, words and ideas right now. She was the best person I’ve ever met for shaking someone out of a mindset and bringing them around in minutes.

‘I – I guess I have fond memories of sledging with my dad before he died,’ he says, revealing perhaps a bit more than he intended to. ‘Up at – up at Warren’s Wood.’

I clap my hands together like I’m some overly energetic life coach.

‘Fantastic! So, Ben and I will meet you up at Warren’s Wood this afternoon then,’ I tell him. ‘Yes, let’s go sledging! All you have to bring is a towel as no doubt we’ll get a soaking! We’ll feel alive for Mabel, just like she asked us to.’

I take a step back. My energy is unfathomable and I know he is trying to fight against it just like I did with Mabel so many times, but I’m not letting it go.

‘Today?’ he asks. ‘Are you serious? Look, Roisin, I know your intentions are in the right place but sledging in the snow is the last thing on my mind right now, and I get what Mabel was saying in that she looked upon you as family, but I know absolutely nothing about you. Nothing that would make me want to stop the world today so we can go sledging.’

My cheeks burn with mortification

‘Oh, OK,’ I mutter, feeling a weight in my stomach. ‘I – I was just trying to do what Mabel told us to. Like, there’s no point in us listening to her words of wisdom if we aren’t going to take heed, is there?’

Aidan scratches his head, looks at his watch, and then back at me in wonder.

‘Have fun,’ he says and he leaves me standing there, feeling incredibly stupid for suggesting such a thing to someone so busy. ‘It’s not for me, not today, sorry. Bye for now, Roisin. And thanks again.’

The door closes behind him and I feel the room spin.

I breathe out. I want to crawl into a hole and hide, or press rewind and undo my enthusiasm and suggestion to follow Mabel’s instructions, but then I hear her words again, her reminder to do something today to make us feel alive.

Why should I ignore that just because Aidan doesn’t want to heed her? Why should I spend another afternoon staring at the walls feeling sorry for myself like it’s the end of the world?

It’s not every day we have such a thick fall of snow in Ballybray, and just because Aidan Murphy doesn’t want to go sledging, doesn’t mean we can’t. I feel a race of adrenaline pump through my veins for the second time that day, and feel some of Mabel’s old verve and drive return within me.

‘Ben!’ I call to my son, determined to snap him out of his morbid silence, taking inspiration from Mabel as I so often did before. ‘Ben, come on, get dressed. We’re going sledging in Warren’s Wood!’

I go into his bedroom to find him staring at me, the controls of his games console still in his hand and his mouth open.

‘Sledging? For real?’ he asks. ‘Are you feeling OK?’

‘Yes, for real, and yes I’m feeling surprisingly good!’ I tell him, as I find him a T-shirt, a hoodie, and a warm jacket and throw them his way. ‘We’ve been moping around for long enough. Let’s go and live a little like Mabel would have wanted us to.’

‘Cool!’ says Ben, taking me equally by surprise by automatically buying into my plan. ‘That’s the best idea ever, Mum!’

I’ve never been a ‘let’s drop everything and do something out of the norm to raise the spirits’ kind of person, but Mabel was exactly that type and I’d often wondered how she kept it going, but now I’m feeling it for real.

I know for sure that since I heard her voice again today and saw her beautiful face so full of light and life despite the grim reality she was facing when she made her recording, my own dark days of winter are already feeling a whole lot brighter already.

Whatever Aidan Murphy decides to do from now on is, just like he said, absolutely none of my business, but Ben and I are going sledging in the snow today, we’re going to have some fun, and I can’t wait.

8.

‘It’s freezing up here, Mum!’ says Ben as we trudge up the hill to Warren’s Wood, wrapped up in more layers than an onion an hour later. ‘I can’t believe you wanted to go sledging instead of just walking around the lake like we usually do on the weekend to get some fresh air.’

My woolly hat just about keeps the wind out of my ears, but the higher we climb up the gradient of the hill, the more cutting the chill on my face feels and I’m beginning to wonder if we are a bit insane for taking up Mabel’s instruction so literally on a day like today.

‘It’s important to change things up, and we mightn’t see snow like this again for years,’ I tell my son, knowing I’m trying to convince myself this is a good idea. I stop to catch my breath and turn to look down on the village below us, marvelling as I always do at the view from up here.

Ben keeps going as I take a moment to myself.

The pretty chapel steeple sits in the distance, watching over us all. I can see Ben’s school, and to the far right I see Teapot Row in all its glory, then the famous Ballybray lake that rests in the background, a place that holds so many precious memories of summer walks and morning swims on my own and with Ben and Mabel of course. The sight of it all never fails to fill me up with pride and just by taking in this view I’m reminded of how wonderful my life has been since we moved here.

I see the clothes store, Truly Vintage, where I get to spend my days rummaging through high quality old dresses, suits and hats, making them look pretty again for a second chance at life. It’s a place of peace and tranquillity to me, where I find my mind wandering as to who might have worn the clothes before and what their story might have been.

I love it when Camille goes off on her travels to her home city of Milan, or to places like Camden Market in London, and returns with all sorts of treasures to give a new lease of life to.

Everything looks so pretty in the snow, especially from up here, and I’m reminded how we sometimes need to step back from it all in life and look upon it from a distance to really appreciate what we have and how far we’ve come.

I have a job I adore, a home that is safe and warm, a healthy son who loves me, and I’m wrapped up in a community that reminds me I’m never alone. And now, although I no longer have Mabel, she has left me with a strength inside that her message has brought to the forefront once again.

I’m doing this for her, but I’m also doing it for me and Ben after spending days upon days housebound and feeling sorry for ourselves.

‘Come on, slow coach!’ says Ben in a voice I am delighted to recognize as his old self, however long it may last. Maybe he just needed some distraction and fresh air. Maybe it’s my fault having him cooped up with me moping all this time. Maybe I’m overthinking again.

I try to run and catch up, which makes Ben laugh at my efforts. I was certainly never the outdoors, sporty type and any effort to be like that never fails to raise a giggle in my son, who could run rings around me. And in fact the higher we get up the steep hill towards the woods, the more terrified I am of sledging, and I realize I haven’t exactly thought this through.

‘You’re puffed out already, Mum!’ says Ben. ‘I still can’t believe we’re doing this.’

‘Neither can I,’ I agree as I pull Ben’s little red plastic sledge behind me. I’d bought it under Mabel’s instructions when the last skiff of snow came to Ballybray, but it didn’t last long enough for us to make proper use of it. Today is different though. Today our whole village is covered in a thick blanket, and from up here near the woods it looks like a magical winter wonderland.

I stop to take another look, taking out my phone to capture such a chocolate box winter scene, and it’s through the screen on the phone that I see we are not alone in our idea to go sledging. Someone is coming behind us, pulling behind him a much bigger sledge with proper handles and a wooden base.

‘Aidan?’ I mutter in disbelief. Am I seeing things?

‘I guess I’m more afraid of not heeding Mabel than I thought I was,’ he says as he climbs the hill without so much as losing a breath. ‘Do you mind if I join you after all?’

My stomach leaps. I certainly wasn’t expecting him to change his mind.

Ben stands a few feet ahead of me as I wait for Aidan to catch up. He’s beside me in no time and is certainly dressed for the occasion in a puffer coat and black woolly hat that matches his dark, thick-set eyebrows.

‘The more the merrier,’ I say, doing my best to keep the spirit of Mabel in the air. I’m in shock on the inside, but on the outside it’s business as usual.

We clamber up the rest of the hill with just the sound of our feet crunching beneath us and the sight of our breath in front of us, neither knowing what to say nor feeling the need to make idle conversation. Mabel wanted us to have fun, yes, but Aidan so far seems as much fun as a funeral in my opinion. He has barely cracked a smile, never mind laughed at anything since we first met yesterday.

When we get as far as Ben, who is standing by the gate that leads to the mysterious wood, my son looks like he is fit to burst with excitement at our unexpected company.

‘Aidan, this is my son Ben, who was afraid of freezing solid the higher we climb this hill but who now thinks this is a much better idea than I do,’ I say when the three of us merge on the brow of the steep field. ‘Ben, this is Aidan Murphy, Mabel’s nephew who you’ve heard so much about. Aidan is visiting for a while from America.’

Ben extends a small red woolly gloved hand which makes me glow inside, and he politely shakes Aidan’s hand.

‘I think we may have got off on the wrong foot, Ben,’ says Aidan. ‘In fact, maybe we all did. I’m sorry if I frightened you yesterday. Pleased to meet you.’

‘Pleased to meet you too, Aidan,’ he says, looking up at him in awe. ‘Is it true you really have your own helicopter?’

And at that my inner pride takes a swift downward dip, especially when I see the surprise on Aidan’s face.

‘Ben!’ I say. I look back down the hilly field, which from what I can see is full of bumps and holes, and my former enthusiasm to do this is quickly waning by the second, in contrast to Ben’s mounting excitement.

‘This is going to be so cool!’ says Ben. ‘Is that the sledge that was at the back of Mabel’s shed? I saw it in there. I’m sure I did.’

Aidan pats the wooden sledge and then flips it over, examining it in great detail.

‘It is actually,’ he says to Ben. ‘It was mine when I was a kid, but I haven’t been up here with it in over, I’m guessing, around twenty-five years.’

No harm to Aidan and his touching moment of nostalgia, or the fact that this was all my idea in the first place, I’ve now decided there’s no way I’m sailing down the hill on a lump of wood or plastic that could land me God knows where.

‘Who did you come up here with?’ asks Ben. ‘Did you have a brother? I wish I had a brother.’

I roll my eyes in apology at my son’s inquisitive nature, but Aidan is all ears, and to be honest I’m shocked that he has broken his silence. Maybe coming here was a good idea for that reason only, even if I fear for my life at the prospect of flying down the hill in the snow.

‘I wasn’t lucky enough to have a brother or sister, but I always wanted one,’ Aidan says to Ben, crouching down so he is around Ben’s height. ‘I’d come here with my dad and I noticed just today that he’d written our names on the back. I’d no idea he ever did that.’

He flips over the sledge again, and I see his father’s name, Danny Murphy, and the date ‘Winter 1990’ written in black marker on the back.

‘My daddy is in heaven,’ says Ben. I close my eyes briefly. ‘He went there when I was six but I’m ten now.’

When I open my eyes, I see that Aidan has placed his hand tenderly on Ben’s shoulder.

‘I’m really sorry to hear that,’ he says to my son. ‘But can you imagine the fun he is having up there now that Mabel is in heaven too? I bet they’re having a great party and they’ll be watching over us today having fun in the snow.’