My So-Called

‘Yep. Hampstead,’ she shrugged. ‘You?’

‘Highgate.’

Her eyes raised. ‘Ooh, well, chefs get paid well, don’t they?’

‘It’s my mate Harry’s. You were chatting to his girlfriend in Entangled earlier?’

‘Tabby?’

‘Yeah, so I came over to visit, and they couldn’t be bothered to rent his flat out while they were travelling, so they said I could stay there.’ He paused. ‘Tabby was the one who got me the job at Entangled, actually.’

‘Wow …’ Tig said, secretly wondering if it was rude to ask what their life was like.

Ollie paused. ‘Besides, you live in Hampstead – that’s way more posh.’

Tig shrugged. ‘It’s my friend Ame’s house – she got divorced and doesn’t like staying there alone.’

‘Living in the realm of broken dreams?’

‘Something like that.’ Tig paused and looked at him. ‘You know we haven’t actually talked about anything real this evening?’

‘I think talking about Breaking Bad for an hour is very real, thank you.’

She grinned. ‘No, I mean, I don’t know where your new job is, or why you have an American accent. You don’t know what I do for a living …’

‘Ah, yes, but I know that you hate coconut milk, and love noodles. That you prefer red wine to white, that you have a stationery addiction and like black and white movies. Those are the things that make a person.’

‘Oh, really?’ Tig pulled a face, trying not to be impressed at his observations as they walked down the stairs into the Underground station. ‘Then how come I feel like I haven’t learnt anything about you at all?’

‘It’s my air of mystery, Tigerlily. I’m all aloof to keep you coming back for more!’

It’s kind of working, she thought to herself with irritation. Although it was almost disappointment in herself that she hadn’t picked up all the things he’d realised about her. She’d been too busy being shocked at how easy it all was, to eat, drink, have a conversation about meaningless, fun things. She had noticed some things, though. The way his eyelashes fluttered when he laughed, and the crinkles around his eyes as he grinned. The way he pursed his lips just before he was about to say something funny, and that he seemed to chew each piece of food about a hundred times, focusing on getting each individual flavour. But none of these were things she could say. They were just … somehow Ollie. This strange man she didn’t know anything about. Except that he could feed her.

‘Shit, train’s coming!’ Ollie grabbed her hand, and together they ran down the steps, out onto the platform, and jumped on just as the doors were closing.

‘There would have been another in five minutes!’ she gasped.

‘But where would the fun have been in that?’

‘You just wanted to hold my hand!’ she teased as the train left the station, holding up their still intertwined fingers.

‘Aren’t I a scoundrel?’ Ollie grinned at her, standing too close in the cramped carriage. He let go of her hand, but put it around her back. ‘Just to keep you steady.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Tig said knowingly, but her chest started pounding. Stop it, you idiot. ‘What train are we on?’

‘Edgware – I’m afraid I’m off at the next stop.’

‘Well, thank you for a lovely evening,’ Tig said formally. ‘It was less terrifyingly awkward than I anticipated.’

‘Well, if that isn’t a glowing reference, I don’t know what is!’ Ollie grabbed her hand dramatically and kissed it. ‘I bid you goodnight, Tigerlily James, and look forward to our next encounter!’

Tig blushed and looked around at the other people in the carriage, who were all resolutely avoiding eye contact, but seemed to be smirking.

‘Women! You say all you want is romance, and Mister-sodding-Darcy, and the minute we give in, you freak out!’ Ollie jumped off the train onto the platform, waving. ‘Night!’

And he was gone, vaulting along the platform in long strides. Strange, strange man, Tig grinned to herself, and realised her face hurt from how much she’d smiled that evening. Which was great, but also a little sad that she was so out of practice.

So this is what dating is, she thought to herself, saying clever things and being quick and not giving anything away. She found it exhausting and exhilarating. Just like Ollie himself.

Chapter Four

‘It’s two am, Lil.’ Darren didn’t look at her, but sat, arms folded, on their new sofa, in their new flat, staring at the monstrosity of a television he’d insisted they needed.

‘It’s Freshers’ Week, Daz, it’s kind of what you do.’ Tig took off her coat and slumped down on the sofa next to him.

‘Yeah, well, those of us who aren’t dossing about at uni have to go to work tomorrow morning.’ Darren got up and walked across the room.

‘You wanted to move with me, Darren. I was going to go into halls and you wanted to get a flat together. You knew I’d be out tonight, don’t start with me.’

Darren just stared at her, lip curling up. Oh, how she hated that look, that judgemental ‘you’re so ridiculous’ look. ‘You’re drunk.’

‘Yes. Again, kind of the point of Freshers’, which you’d know if you went to uni.’

‘Yeah, well, see how well photography turns out when I’m supporting you with my boring real job.’ Darren walked into their bedroom. It was the first time Tig regretted moving in with him, but it wasn’t the last.

‘Tig?’ Hunter tugged at her sleeve. ‘Does this look like a Degas?’

She looked down at the six-year-old’s drawing of a ballet dancer, copied from a large print his mother had hung in the study. It looked like a six-year-old’s drawing of a ballet dancer.

‘Brilliant use of light and dark, Hunter! And the softness of the limbs is really excellent.’

Hunter’s mother would want an update on his progress tonight, want proof that her little angel was adapting to the different ‘artistic protocols’ she wanted him to excel in. The whole idea was exhausting.

‘Mama said if I can paint a ballerina properly I can get an Xbox,’ Hunter told her proudly.

‘Well, that’s what Degas’ mother said, too,’ Tig replied, and tried to stamp down on the vitriol she felt for these fake liberals. Yes, she wanted these kids to have extra art lessons if they loved it. But what was wrong with sitting with your kids and letting them draw in crayons? Except then she’d be out of a job.

She collected her money, spent twenty minutes convincing Sylvia that Hunter was progressing artistically ‘as predicted’, as if you could plot a graph to artistic stardom.

‘We’re so glad we found you, Tigerlily!’ Sylvia held Tig’s hand in both of hers. ‘We don’t know what we’d do without you!’

Let your child develop at a natural rate, based on their own interests? Tig thought ungenerously, but smiled all the same.

‘I love your outfit!’ Sylvia grinned as she led Tig to the door. ‘It’s so ethnic! It’s so wonderful for Hunter to be exposed to different types of people, especially artists!’

‘Well, we are a strange bunch, aren’t we?’ Tig said in a jolly voice that wasn’t her own, and hated herself for it.

She jumped on her bike, and realised she didn’t want to go to Ame’s. She didn’t want to go to Entangled, or the studio, or anywhere where she’d have to think about anything. In fact, there was only one place she wanted to go. She stuck her bike on an empty tube train, going north, up to the end of the line, and then rode out onto the country lanes, down past her school, past the pub she’d had her first legal pint in (and the many illegal ones before that), and eventually, as the greenery expanded, she turned up a little lane to her parents’ cottage. It was still home. For a while, the little studio she’d had with Darren whilst she was at uni had felt like home, then the one-bedroom they got out in Cricklewood, which was more grown up, where they had proper cutlery and felt like grown-ups. But the Hobbit Hole, as her parents had named it, would always be home. At least until she got out there and made one just for herself, which seemed to be the only option lately.

An auburn-haired woman came trudging around from the back garden, wellies on, bright head scarf and ruddy complexion. Her leggings were patterned, muddy at the knees from where she’d been kneeling in the flower beds, no doubt. Tig loved that she looked like her mum, that her red hair was a brighter version of her mother’s, whereas her sister’s dark hair echoed their dad. Helen James was a beautiful woman, who only seemed to become more herself as she aged.

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