How to Take Charge of Your Life: The User’s Guide to NLP

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

1: A Three-Day Course in Personal Freedom

2: Day One: How to Change Negative Thinking

3: Day Two: How to Change Limiting Beliefs

4: Day Three: How to Create the Life You Want

5: After the Workshop: The Most Important Question

6: Joe’s Journal

Epilogue: Share the Message, Share Your Story

Resources

NLP Techniques

Recommended Reading

DVD and CD Products

Websites

The Society of Neuro-Linguistic Programming™

About the Authors

Copyright

About the Publisher

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to our families and friends for their advice, support, love and encouragement. They make our freedom worth while.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book would have never seen the light of day were it not for the amazing help from the following people. We send out a huge thank you to all of them for their support, suggestions and hard work in making this book possible.

First to our agent, Robert Kirby, for his wonderful support, dedication and belief in this book. Robert is a terrific professional, and his insights, guidance and ideas proved incredibly useful.

Thanks to the wonderful team at HarperCollins, especially Carole Tonkinson and Victoria Eribo, who have been really great in their belief in the book.

Next, we thank John and Kathleen La Valle for their friendship and ongoing assistance and encouragement.

And last but not least, we thank all of our colleagues, the seminar attendees, support staff and Society of NLP trainers all over the world. Without you there would be no life-changing seminars.

From Richard

I would like thank my wife Glenda for her help, her support and her magical smile.

Also my thanks go to forty years of clients who faced the worst and taught me so much.

From Alessio

I would like to thank Cinzia and Damiamo, my world of love.

From Owen

I would like to thank the following:

My parents Marjorie and Brian Fitzpatrick. I would be lost without you both. Thanks so much for everything. You are amazing role models and the reason I am who I am.

My goddaughters Lucy and Aoife, who make me smile continuously.

My cousin Breandan Kearney, a true wordsmith, for his invaluable help with the book. My fantastic friends Brian and Theresa Colbert, Gillian McNamara, Cristina Granizo, Robert and Michelle Orr, Michael Connolly, Paul Kiernan, John and Anna O’Connell, Elena Martelli, Joe Higgins, Lauren Wickel, Sandra pou Van Biezen, Lauren Inkster, Olivia Lavelle and Lynda Morrissey for their honest feedback on the book, love and never-ending encouragement.

INTRODUCTION

There are hundreds of books published on NLP but this, and its sequel The Ultimate Introduction to NLP, are the only ones that give you the chance to experience what it’s like to be a fly on the wall at one of Dr Richard Bandler’s seminars. This book is a workshop between the covers.

We called this book The User’s Guide to NLP because through the story you get a really clear understanding of how you can use NLP to take charge of your life.

As the characters apply the skills, so can you. The story is of a man named Joe who wants to break the chains of problems that he has in his life. His story is a story that many of us can relate to. The lessons he learns we can apply ourselves to live the life we desire. These lessons are from a workshop that Joe attends given by a man known around the world as ‘The Einstein of the Mind’: Dr Richard Bandler.

In the early 1970s Richard Bandler co-created the field of NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming. By studying the most effective therapists at the time, it was possible to identify what made them effective at producing change in other people.

Although traditional psychology has often focused on why people have problems, NLP came about by studying how people actually change so that they can get the life they want.

This simple distinction has been one of the reasons NLP became a global phenomenon and has been used by millions of people across the globe, including many celebrities, Olympic gold medalists and billionaires.

We have made the story of Joe as representative as possible of the many thousands of participants in courses that Richard and we have taught over the years.

We have learned and applied the insights of Richard Bandler in both the corporate world and the field of psychotherapy, with amazing results.

We’ve had the privilege to teach NLP to more than 200,000 people so far, from more than forty countries, helping them to improve their lives and businesses.

Our passion, and the purpose of this book, is to share with as many people as possible what we have learned so far: it has transformed our lives, and we want to help others do the same.

Alessio Roberti and Owen Fitzpatrick

Chapter 1

A THREE-DAY COURSE IN PERSONAL FREEDOM

Joe picked up the leaflet from the kitchen table and skimmed it until something caught his attention:

Most people end up having difficulties in their lives and limit how much joy they can have because the very way they think about things and the very beliefs they have prevent them from being able to achieve the best that life has to offer.

He read the sentence again, this time slowly and more carefully. Being able to ‘achieve the best that life has to offer’ … Was this not what everyone wanted? He wasn’t convinced, however, that the way he ‘thought about things’ made that much of a difference. Joe knew that his thoughts weren’t always entirely positive. At the same time, he didn’t believe that the way he thought about things could solve all of his problems. One thing was for sure: any positive change in his life would be very welcome right now. But just how could he make it happen?

Then his eyes fell on another attention-grabber:

Act as if you are the controlling element of your life. When you do, you will be.

While he wondered about the meaning of these words, he left the leaflet on the table and made his way up to bed. He pulled his exhausted body up the staircase and laid his head onto the soft pillow. He had been looking forward to this moment all day. And yet for all the energy that had been sapped from him running around the office and negotiating the ridiculous traffic, for all the weariness that another day had delivered, he was unable to fall asleep. Instead, he stared at the ceiling, his mind consumed with worry. Stress, said his doctor, was the cause of his sleeping difficulties. Joe didn’t doubt this. As he lay on his back facing the patchy grey ceiling above his bed, his mind turned to work. He immediately winced at the thought.

Joe was a regional manager of a large firm, and he hated his job. He also disliked his boss, who just that day had dumped a massive pile of work on his desk before running out to play golf. Typical. Joe had also heard rumours about a possible corporate restructuring within the firm. He rolled over onto his side on the bed and closed his eyes.

Then there was the presentation. Joe had been asked to present in front of the Board of Directors in a couple of weeks about the challenges that the company faced. This would have been fine, except that Joe was terrified of public speaking.

Life hadn’t always been like this, but happiness seemed so far in the distant past that he found it difficult to remember how it felt. He remembered at some point, a long time ago, being happier, more satisfied with his life and about what he did. Recently he couldn’t seem to escape the trappings of work and money. He had given up his gym membership, put on weight and started to smoke again. A few months ago he had tried to begin exercising, but that was a particularly busy time at work with a huge project and he hadn’t been getting home from the office until after 9 p.m. He was so fed up at that stage that he had always ordered takeaway pizza and put the TV on.

There was no point in taking care of his body in any case. His girlfriend, Lisa, had left him a month earlier, for who else but a personal trainer – a big burly guy who could lift her in one arm. The anger that he had felt initially was now melting into sadness and confusion. He missed Lisa. His self-esteem was crushed, and he was full of regrets at having spent too much time in the office.

The worst thing of all was that, as Joe curled up into a ball on his bed, part of him felt that this was just the way things were meant to be. He had learned from his father just to accept his life. ‘Be realistic, son, and don’t take on too much. Failure isn’t worth it. Look, there are winners, losers, and the rest of us. You become a loser if you keep trying and failing. You become a success if you’re lucky.’ But something about his father’s philosophy didn’t sit well with Joe. There had always been a part of him that believed he could succeed, but life just wasn’t turning out the way he wanted it to be.

Why was he so unlucky? Joe asked himself this all the time. His sister, Maria, explained to him that asking why is useless. Instead, she suggested that ‘trying hard to discover the reason for a problem is less useful than focusing on the way to solve it. In your life you find what you seek: if you focus on problems, you’ll find problems wherever you go; if you look for solutions, you’ll find solutions.’

The shrill ring from downstairs jolted Joe out of this introspection. He pulled his head up off the pillow, stumbled off the bed and ran downstairs. He grabbed the phone just in time. He recognized the number. It was Maria.

‘Hey, Maria. I was just thinking about you.’

‘Joe, my favourite brother, how are you?’

Joe smiled. Maria was the only person in the world who could always make him smile.

‘I’m your only brother, Maria!’ Joe responded.

‘I’m just calling to remind you about the course on Friday. Do you still have that leaflet I gave you?’

‘I’ve always thought you were psychic. Now I’m sure of it. I just re-read it half an hour ago.’

‘So? What do you think?’

‘Think about what?’ Joe answered, catching on to where his sister was going.

‘Have you registered for it yet, as you promised me?’

‘You know that a promise is a promise, especially when I know how long I’d have to listen to you about it if I didn’t! Yes, I’ll be there. Anyway, I hope you know that I’ve only registered to make you happy … A course about personal freedom doesn’t say much to me.’

‘Joe! Trust me, you’ll learn a lot of useful stuff. It’s about NLP, Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Do you know what that is?’

‘I know that you seem to be really excited about it, even if you haven’t explained it to me fully yet.’ Luckily, Joe added under his breath.

‘Well, basically, NLP is a system to think and communicate in a more effective way. To me, it’s one of the more practical areas of the self-improvement field. Some people call it “the psychology of success”.’ Maria feigned a dramatic television voice.

‘And what can you use it for? Why bother learning it?’ Joe continued.

‘Well, for example, to help you become free of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It gives you the mental and communication strategies to become happier and more successful.’

‘Right. Well, I know you believe it’ll help me, but it all seems a little too good to be true, Maria. I mean, surely three days of a course isn’t going to fix everything.’

‘Of course not, silly. It won’t fix everything immediately, but it will really help you get going. Three days are useful to get you thinking about how you usually think, so that you can start taking control over your thoughts and, as a result, over your life.’

‘But how is some guy lecturing me about his theories going to help me change?’

‘That’s the thing, Joe. It’s not about theories. The speaker will be teaching you through some of his experiences, and then he will suggest that you try several NLP techniques. You’ll realize how it works, and you’ll get a lot from it. Trust me, I’ve attended this course. Now, stop moaning! If you don’t go, you won’t see.’

‘I’ve just told you I’m going!’

‘Well, then let me ask you one final question, Joe. Do you know why some people live happily and others don’t?’

‘Money? Luck? Good looks?’ Joe guessed.

‘Nope. It’s like Mum always used to say, money isn’t the key to being happy, and besides, you make your own luck. As for good looks, it’s in our genes, my dear brother. You’re related to me, for goodness’ sake!’

Joe smiled. Maria had an unfailing ability to cheer him up. He thought back to when their mother had been alive. She had died when he was eighteen. She was such a caring mother, always believing in Joe and insisting that he could do more than his teachers and his father had said he could. When she passed away, he lost that belief in himself. His mother’s positivity shone brightly in Maria. Was she the only person left who really believed he could do better?

‘Look, Joe, I’m asking you to go along with what you hear for three days and give it a shot. When you do, you’ll realize how much you can actually determine what happens. Don’t be too surprised if you find yourself enjoying it.’

Joe agreed that he would give it a shot. They said good-night to each other. Moving towards the staircase, Joe knew now that any hope of sleep was faint. He wandered out to the kitchen and opened the window, lighting up a cigarette and blowing smoke out into the cold night air. He looked out of his apartment window and took another drag.

He felt stuck, trapped in the way he was living. He thought about how different his life had turned out from what, as a child, he had hoped it might one day be. He took a final smoke of his cigarette, put it out in the kitchen sink and turned back towards the bedroom, taking the leaflet again from the table.

He looked at it: ‘The Secret of Personal Freedom. Three Days with Dr Richard Bandler.’ Another line caught his attention.

Our biggest limit is not in what we want and cannot do; it is in what we have never considered that we can do.

Were these words addressed directly to him? With the sentence bouncing around in his mind, he returned to bed. He tossed and turned under the sheets for a few hours. He couldn’t help thinking that the course would be a waste of time, and yet another part of him was curious. Give it a try, Joe.

Then those dream-like images crept into his head. The images that he’d been seeing for so long now. His mother’s face. Her deep blue eyes looking straight into his own. She’d believed in him. Joe always felt that he had disappointed her when he looked back into her face. She would want him to make a go of things. Joe decided that he would give this a chance. For his mother. For Maria. For himself. Could this stuff actually help? It was time to make an effort to change things. The image in his mind of his mother’s face changed. Her lips did not move, but Joe thought he could see a smile in her eyes.

He rolled over, and this time he was asleep within minutes.

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