The Punster's Pocket-book

Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here,Where nought excels the shaving but the beer."G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE,Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage andretirement from the stageYou bloom and charm us! – still the bosom grieves,When Trees of your description take their leaves.TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR,On his giving a Fete on board the HeclaDear Captain Parry, you are rightTo give the belles a levee;God grant your dancing may be light,For oh! your book is heavy.SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMBElia's PenSays Elia, "Zounds, this pen is hard!"Quoth Samuel Rogers, "Do not huff;But write away, my honey bard,You soon can make it soft enough."FRI v. DAYGood Friday rain'd, Sam Rogers dinedOn soles, for fish were all the go;And Sam allowed the Fri was good,Although the day was but so so.TO THE LATE MR. COUTTSWritten at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the Marquis of HuntleyAn apple, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace,Who from Paradise quickly was driven;But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case,For a Melon transports you to heaven.TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOWHer mourning is all make-believe;'Tis plain there's nothing in it;With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve,The while she's laughing in it.IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE,ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain;For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne.TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGEGod's noblest work's an honest man,Says Pope's instructive line;To make an honest woman, then,Most surely is divine.TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORYYou move the people, when you speak,For one by one, away they sneak.COWPER'S HOMERAny-mad-versions when like this I see,Animadversions they will draw from me.TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDARWith his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at MertonTake your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,For I wish not to keep it a minute;What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire,Is sure to be instantly in it.ON THE COUNTESS OF B – , WHO WAS RUINED AT THE GAMING TABLECard-table epitaphClarinda reign'd the queen of hearts,Like sparkling diamonds were her eyes;Till by the knave of clubs' false arts,Here bedded by a spade she lies.ADAM AND MACADAM

"The Macadamized streets are extremely dusty." —

Morning Paper.Adam was made of borrow'd dust;So says the Bible; and, 'tis plain,Macadam, to discharge the trust,To dust turns all the ways of men.THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIANA hint to clever men employed on such occasions"Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours sayThe jury mean to sit on him to day.""Know'st thou for what?" said Tom. – Quoth Ned, "no doubt'Tis merely done to squeeze the water out."BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEXRoyal Pun-DitCome, lament, all ye Rogers, of punning renown,Whose praises are sung by the24 Puss sex,For the pun of all puns that enraptures the townIs the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex.In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts,And telling the names of its Patrons,He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street boasts,No matter if spinsters or matrons.First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss:Said his Grace "Were such joys ever given!We enter the first – for the way we can't miss:We enter the second – 'tis Heaven!"TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS."Your prose and verse alike are bad,Methinks you both transpose;Your prose e'en like your verse runs mad,And all your verse is prose.DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSERThe following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer, for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, by his friend Peter PindarSon of the string, (I do not mean Jack Ketch,Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones,)Oh! yield thy pity to a starving wretch,And for to-morrow's treat, pray send thy bones!BY LORD BYRON,On Southey's house being on firePierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates,Abstulit: hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phœbe, placet?O scelus, ô magnum facinus, crimenque deorum,Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus. Martial, Lib. xi. Epig. 94.The Laureate's house hath been on fire! the NineAll smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine:But, cruel fate! Oh damnable disaster!The house – the house is burnt, and not the master!GEORGE TIERNEY, M.PThe Inclosure BillIf 'tis a crime in man or woman,A goose to pilfer from a common;What can a parliament excuse,To steal a common from a goose?ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE,A lady remarkably short in statureThrice happy Tom – I think him so;For mark the poet's song, —"Man wants but little here below,Nor wants that little long."ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORSHis time was quick, his touch was fleet,Our gold he nimbly finger'd;Alike alert with hands and feet,His movements have not linger'd.Where lies the wonder of the case?A moment's thought detects it;His practice has been thorough-bass,A chord will be his exit.SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOMA father and son much addicted to drink,Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee;Said the parent, "Why, Tom, thou dost drink mighty deep,Though you'll say that you take after me.""No, father," cried Tom, "I will never say so,Nor do so, I hope, by St. Paul;For, 'tis certain, that if I did take after you,I should drink scarcely any at all!"BY LORD HARBOROUGHIf Love's a flame, as ancient poets prove,Ah, me! how cold's the fire of my Love.ON A PAINTED FAIRYe ladies who paint, may most safely declare,With Horace, that dust and a shadow ye are.CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAMAn epigram, what is it, honey?A little poem, short and funny;About four lines in length, – not more:Then this is one, for here are four.ON A MISER NAMED MOREIron was his chest,Iron was his door;His hand was iron,And his heart was More.ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLEWritten during the O.P. contestActor and Architect, he triesTo please the critics, one and all;This bids the private tiers to rise,And that the public tears to fall.MAIDS AND BACHELORSOld maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes;It may be true – but, tarry —They're bachelors that fill those shapesBecause they did not marry.ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN ARM IN ARMHow D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls!I dub them both a race of noddies:Old D.D. has the cure of souls,And M.D. has the care of bodies.Between them both, what treatment rareOur souls and bodies must endure!One has the cure without the care,And one the care without the cure.ONE LAWYER MORE"Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by?""I do not know of one," was the reply;"But if one less were living, I am sure,Mankind his absence safely might endure."PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITICIn critics this country is rich;In friendship and love who can match 'em:When writers are plagued with the itch,They hasten most kindly to scratch 'em.DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE INNS OF COURTThe Society of Clement's Inn having had ironbars put up at the entrance to prevent porters,cattle, or other nuisances from coming in, – itcalled forth the following lines from a "fatsingle gentleman" to the principal and ancients.Ye principal and ancient men, attendTo one of your unfortunate fat lodgers,Whose studies make him lusty; – oh! befriend!Or I shall surely call you ancient codgers.'Tis true I came here, looking to the bar,And hop'd to have a call some day unto it;But at your entrance now there many are,Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it."I can't get out," as Sterne's poor starling said,Unless I ask the porter to unlock it;This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed,Or 'gainst my corpus you must strike a docket.This may reduce me to a decent size,And let me pass your cursed bars of iron;Put up to keep us from the London cries,Which now your sanctum sanctorum environ.For if I can't be taken in, 'tis clearI cannot be let out; and that gives trouble.Ye principal and ancient men, oh! hear!And let me pass the bar– I'm David Double.ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCYThat Homer should a bankrupt beIs not so very Odd-d'ye-see;If it be true, as I am instructed,So Ill-he-had his books conducted.WALKING FOR LIFEOn a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his healthPrithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath;'Tis in vain these exertions you make:And to "walk for your life" against sure-footed death,Is the very "worst step you can take!"A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOWOn a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used as wine cellars:There's a spirit above and a spirit below,A spirit of joy and a spirit of woe:The spirit above is a spirit divine;The spirit below is a spirit of wine.THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATHTwo musical parties to Bladud belong,To delight the old rooms and the upper:One gives to the ladies a supper, no song;The other a song and no supper.ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTERThough nature thee of thy right hand bereft,Right well thou writest with the hand that's left.PRINTER'S KISSPrint on my lips another kiss,The picture of thy glowing passion —Nay, this wont do – nor this – nor this —But now – Ay, that's a proof impression.TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTERThough much you're scar'd by Mars in arms,At fighting much dejected;Yet Venus, with her naked charms,Has seen you – More-affected.THE FOUR AGES OF WOMANFrom the FrenchWoman isIn infancy a tender flower,Cultivate her;A floating bark in girlhood's hour,Softly freight her.A fruitful vine when grown a lass,Prune and please her;Old, she's a heavy charge, alas!Support and ease her.THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENEROn a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great Card-player, having married her GardenerTrumps ever rul'd the charming maid,Sure all the world must pardon her;The destinies turned up a spade;She married John the gardener.THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLEThe Lamb and the Horse being their InsigniaThe Lamb, the lawyer's innocence declares;The Horse, their expedition in affairs;Hail, happy men! such emblems well describeThe specious cunning of your legal tribe:For say what client can expect a lossFrom Lamb-like lawyers, fleeter than a Horse?No more let Chancery's ills be endless counted,Since on the Pegasus of Law ye're mounted.And ye, poor suitors! mark your simple fate—The shorn lambs ye – that crowd the Temple gate.ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON"Some demon, sure," says wond'ring Ned,"In Newton's brain has fix'd his station!""True," Dick replies, "you've rightly said,I know his name, – 'tis demon-stration."TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINESLadies! the stags (as wise men say)Change horns but once a-year:Whereas your stags change ev'ry day,As plainly does appear.ON GRIEVES'S BRUSHSome men brush on, and some brush off,And some brush out of sight!While Grieves's25 brush makes thousands rushTo see it every night.ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLESIf on this pedestal we seeOur great Achilles and Protector,Why then the inference must be,He whom he vanquished was a Hector.EPIGRAMS BY W. R. VOn reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shapeAgainst Fodor's existence, it may truly be said,That custom has raised an unnatural strife;For if she gets fat– she loses her bread;And if she gets thin– she loses her life.On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of the appearance of Miss DancePiozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first,But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance,And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just,Where Melpomene's self comes to welcome the Dance.On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by Miss TreeWhere's Ariel? that is, where is Tree?Whose voice and form so truly suit in't;Surely the public must agree,The Manager has put his Foot in't.On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars BridgeEngland's friendly to all, let folks say what they will,From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover;Her Commons first passed the Catholic Bill,And the very next day vote for the Pass over.On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion WeekParry's rage for discovery exceeds all, no doubt,For both captain and crew in a Fury set out;But still some excuse will appear for this freak,When we learn the affair took place in Passion week.On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lameThat Shakspeare was lame, from his sonnets you'd gain,But halt ere such men with weakness you're branding;An abler hand never guided a pen,And his works plainly show he'd a strong understanding.ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE;The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreathPistrucci, in thine art divine,Thou never wast more clever;Long may the laurel mark our Sovereign's line,But may the I.V. never!IMPROMPTUOn Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato StreetWhen war destruction on the soldier deals,Some seek from death a refuge in their heels;E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife,We find indebted to his Legge for life!MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COATJack from his box surveys the house around,Views in the pit a friend with glass erect,Whose rusty coat with many a gaping woundFirst draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct."How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard),"Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after?Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd;Charles is so droll, I've cracked my sides with laughter."TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAILThat U follows QIs not always true;When your pigtail I view,Then queue follows you.ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINSWhen British flags triumphant scour'd the main,Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain;But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags.Oh that the main would scour the British flags!TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."If wit and elegance combined,With harmless satire glowing,Can gain applause, or charm the mind,It is to your Pen-owing.ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMARTWhen Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose;With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows;His (Boxer) Bochsa beats time, who's forced to impartNought but pleasure arising from Harmony's Smart.A SNEER ANSWERED"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill,"Give me a bon mot if you will.""A what? a bon mot! how absurd!Whoever gave you a good word."A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOGHere lies, who living never lied,A friend sincere, of courage tried;No slave to wealth, to vice unknown,Though oft reduced to pick a bone.Patch'd was his coat, both red and white,And shaggy too his outward plight;Yet grateful still his master serv'd,And from allegiance never swerv'd.A sportsman true, who at a wordWould point, and oft bring down his bird:Or fetch, or carry, hunt, or find,Whate'er was of the feather'd kind."By no disease – no blast he fell,"But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well,"Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time,"As clock that can no longer chime:"Here Carlo stopp'd – for want of breath,Outrun at last by Nimrod death.Bernard Blackmantle.

THE PUNSTER'S COURT;

OR,THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PANVERSIFIED FROM SWIFTGreat Plato and Homer, and half a score sages,Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek,That Puns were esteem'd both by Hebrew and Greek:Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,And their merriment owed to the mirth-making Pun.There's Buxtorf, a learned Chaldean, hath told,That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old,Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,To propagate punning and make the folks witty:And so well did the priests with the people succeed,That their Puns were collected, and thus 'twas decreed;"In a temple devoted to punning and wit,"In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;"'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'" —Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne,When his double-faced godship unrivalled shone;For no matter how wittily Pan punn'd away,Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder,Decided for Janus's double entendre.Bernard Blackmantle.

PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;

OR,JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR"Touch but his gunpowder wit with a merry fire, andyou shall instantly hear a good report.""A punster's wit, what is it like?""The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;""Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,"Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said

"If I bate you an ace,Deuce take me;for it would be-tray a weaknessin a man who could not cater for himself.Therefore sink meif you do size."A NEGATIVE PUN

"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large landed property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless."

A PUN. – THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage: —Tu es Petrus, et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of —Tu es Pierre, et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise!!!

A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with."

A BACKSLIDER'S PUN

A gentleman asked another if he would have a skait on the Serpentine; – "Most certainly; but I can't trust to my soles and heels: besides, I should lose my character." – "Lose your character!" – "Aye, I should become a back-slider." – "Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on fundamental principles."

AN HERALDIC PUN

A gentleman employing a porter whose name was Russel, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our coats."

A CANONICAL PUN

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said – "So, Canon H – is dead!" – "Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that cannons went off in that way." – "Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the report!"

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband – "Expect to ate, yer honour – no sure, and Paddy does not expect to ate – he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.

A BITTER PUN

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter cold day."

A SMUGGLER'S PUN

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like Seizers," (Cæsars.)

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian." – "Pooh!" said the other, "that's far-fetched." – "No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it on the spot."

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the Skullist, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get out of them." – "Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the heads saddled with such a theory! for whilst one galls, t'other spurs 'em."

A CITY PUN

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his day-book's closed, and he's posted, I suppose, to his long account." – "By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life!"

A PHYSICAL PUN

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician – "Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why Sir Ever-hard-Home."

A COLLEGE PUN

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "Carmen" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.

A LADY'S PUN

A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the male creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well manned, I am sure we are well rigged."

A COBBLER'S PUN

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been healed lately."

A JUDICIAL PUN

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim."

A BACCHANALIAN PUN

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been spinning out the evening with my neighbour Freeport." – "And now (replied the other), you are reeling it home."