All She Wants For Christmas

‘My mum was in a road accident like Mrs Green.’ There was a silence and Matt started forward again, freezing again when he heard Jack continue.

‘She wasn’t all right, though. She died.’

There was a rustle, as if someone had moved in their seat, and he heard Beth’s voice, clear and melodic. ‘I would be very sad if that happened to me.’

Jack spoke again. ‘Is that how you say you feel sad? With your hand like that?’

‘Yes.’ There was a pause. ‘That’s right, Jack, you are telling me that you feel sad.’

Matt sagged back against the wall, unprepared for the violence of the emotion that had hit him. Jack was talking about his mother at last. After two years of hardly even referring to her his silence had been broken. His lips twisted at the irony of it. Jack’s silence had not been broken. He had found another way to express his feelings.

‘My dad feels sad, too, but he doesn’t say so.’ Jealousy stabbed at Matt, twisting the knife in his chest. Why was Jack talking to a virtual stranger when his own father had tried so hard to be there for him?

‘Sometimes when you feel sad, you try to hide that from the people you love the best.’ Matt shook his head as the words reached him. She was absolutely right, but it was more complicated than that. But Jack was never to know that. No one was.

‘It’s because I’m just a kid.’ There was a trace of resentment in Jack’s voice.

‘You’re not just anything. And it’s your dad’s job to look after you, Jack.’ Her tone invited no argument.

‘I bet no one had to look after you when you were a kid.’

Beth laughed. ‘Oh, yes, they did. Shall I tell you a secret?’

Perhaps he shouldn’t listen. On the other hand, the kind of secret you told to a child was unlikely to be anything too earth-shattering. Matt found himself leaning forward.

‘I’ve got a big brother called Charlie. When I was little, he could hear much better than I could, and I hated it when he tried to help me. It made me feel stupid, as if I couldn’t do anything right. I used to pretend I could hear things when I couldn’t.’

‘How did you do that?’

‘Oh, there are lots of ways you can tell what people are saying without hearing them. Even if you can’t see their lips properly to read them, the expressions on their faces can tell you what they’re thinking. You just have to look.’

Were his own secrets written on his face? Matt swallowed hard. Of course not, he was just being paranoid. Beth had made a connection with Jack, not him.

There was silence and then Beth spoke again. ‘I’m sure you do miss your mum. But you don’t need to finger-spell all the words. Look, you can say it like this.’

Matt squeezed his eyes shut. He would have given anything to hear Jack say the words that he knew were forming silently on his hands. But this would have to be enough for the moment. Beth had the tone exactly right—just a simple exercise in how to sign, which was allowing Jack to approach topics that he hadn’t spoken about before. Why on earth hadn’t he thought of something like that?

Dared he try to catch a glimpse of them? Standing here was torture, but he knew that it was important to give Jack time to say everything he wanted to.

‘That’s right.’ Jack had obviously got the signs she had taught him correct. ‘Now, I’ll show you something else that you might want to say to your dad.’

‘I know what that is!’ Jack exclaimed excitedly, and there was silence again as he signed back to her.

‘No—look, like this.’

Another pause, and her soft laugh sounded, curling around Matt’s senses like a gentle summer breeze. ‘Well done, you’re very good at this.’

They had obviously concluded their business and Matt reckoned it was about time he got Jack home. He was going to have to wait to find out what it was that Beth had thought Jack might like to say to him, and the urge to see both of them was becoming irresistible. He stepped forward into the wide archway, as if he had just walked in through the door.

She caught sight of him, and for a moment all Matt could think about was that her eyes, still dancing with laughter, were even more compellingly beautiful than he had remembered.

It wasn’t just her eyes either. Every time he looked at her he seemed to find something else that fascinated him.

‘Hello, there.’ Her voice broke the spell, and Jack’s head, just visible above the back of the chair facing her, bobbed as he scrambled round to see his father. ‘We were just …’ Her hands moved almost unconsciously and Matt wondered whether the words that had not escaped her lips were being formed by her fingers.

Jack ran to him, throwing his hands around his waist, and Matt dropped his case, his hands on his son’s back, his eyes still imprisoned in the curve of her lips. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun, as if she had scraped it impatiently out of the way, little strands waving around her face in the kind of effect that a hairdresser might take hours to achieve. As she tilted her head towards him he caught sight of the cochlear implant that had been hidden by her hair the last time he had seen her.

It took a conscious effort to drag his gaze from her face and look down at Jack. ‘Have you been good for Beth?’ Even her name seemed to linger in his senses, brushing his lips like the promise of a kiss.

Jack nodded vigorously and Beth smiled at him. ‘It’s been a pleasure having him down here.’ She looked at her watch. ‘You’re a little early.’ The words were almost a reproach and her manner seemed slightly changed, a shade more distant than earlier on.

‘Yeah. One of my patients didn’t turn up for his appointment and a couple were early, so I’m ahead of schedule for once.’

She made no comment. Matt moved awkwardly into the room, hampered by the fact that Jack had slipped his fingers through his belt and was trying to tug him towards her. Suddenly, the way forward became blindingly obvious.

His fingers brushed her elbow and Beth almost yelped as she jumped back. She didn’t want him touching her, not now. Not after the bombshell that Jack had just dropped. Somewhere, alongside the sorrow at a woman’s death and the clawing regret that a child should have to suffer this, there had been sympathy for Matt. And however natural that might be, it was still an emotion. She didn’t trust herself with any kind of emotion when it came to Matt Sutherland.

‘I want to thank you for this afternoon. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for Jack.’ He had reacted to her start and was maintaining a safe distance now.

‘It’s been my pleasure. Jack’s been keeping me company and helping out with lots of different things.’ Jack wasn’t the problem. It was his father who was unsettling her.

Beth turned her back on both of them, on the pretext of collecting her coat and handbag. Now that Matt was out of range and out of sight, she could think more clearly and her hands unconsciously repeated the resolutions that the heat of his smile had reshaped into restrictions. Stand on your own two feet. No more dating.

When she looked around, Matt was already cajoling Jack into his coat, and she tucked the display boards that she was taking home under one arm and slung her handbag across her shoulder. Pausing to sign a goodbye to Jack, she made for the door.

Jack signed back to her and then turned to Matt. ‘You don’t know what I said to Beth, do you?’

‘Not a clue, mate.’ Matt gave her a conspiratorial wink that would have melted an iceberg. ‘Care to tell me?’

Jack shook his head and turned to Beth. ‘It’s our secret language and my dad doesn’t know what we’re saying.’

The son was so like his father, blond and blue eyed, but so unlike him as well. Jack was lively and open, his thoughts and feelings easy to read. ‘Not much of a secret around here, Jack. Everyone knows how to sign.’

‘Yes, but my dad doesn’t.’ Jack flashed Matt a look of reproach.

‘Well, perhaps you’ll teach me, then.’ Matt rumpled his son’s hair, his easy warmth surfacing again.

‘Beth could teach you.’ Jack stretched up towards his father confidingly. ‘Beth’s got a bionic ear.’

Jack looked at her for approval and Beth grinned. One of the things she liked about children was their ability to refer to her cochlear implant as if it was something to be proud of.

‘It’s pretty neat, isn’t it?’ Matt sounded as impressed as Jack had been. ‘All the same, I want you to teach me what you’ve learned today.’ His jaw tightened and Beth wondered again whether he had heard any of her conversation with Jack.

Jack heaved a theatrical sigh and waited at Matt’s side while Beth pulled her coat on and dumped the display boards outside the door, fishing in her handbag for her keys. Before she’d even slid the key into the lock, Matt had picked up the boards, tucking them under his arm along with his heavy-looking case. ‘Let me carry these to your car.’

‘No, that’s okay. My car’s in the garage, so I’m on the bus.’ The way he’d picked her things up, without asking, had put her on edge. If she had needed any help she would have said so.

‘In that case, let me give you a lift home. Where do you live?’

He gave her a ‘don’t argue’ look and Beth wondered how many people in Matt’s life contested his decisions. Probably not that many. ‘Easington. The bus goes from the hospital grounds practically to my door.’

‘And we go past Easington and can drop you off right at your door. Jack, pick Beth’s gloves up and bring them along.’ Beth looked down to where her gloves lay on the floor, realising that she must have dropped them out of her coat pocket. Before she could retrieve them, Jack had pounced on them and was rolling them up in the end of his father’s dark blue scarf.

She might have had few scruples about arguing with Matt, however lofty his position, but Jack was a different matter. From the smug look on Matt’s face he had obviously been banking on that very fact and was pleased to have been proved right. Beth swallowed her reservations, locked the doors of the hearing therapy unit and followed the two of them to the staff car park.

It was already dark and sleet was bouncing off the windscreen of the car. Out of the shelter of the city, the roads were thick with ice and Beth began to be thankful that she wasn’t waiting at a windy bus stop or sitting on a bus as it wound its way around all the neighbouring villages before finally reaching her own.

She’d be home soon. Safe and sound in the protective cocoon she’d made for herself after Pete had left. And Matt Sutherland would be driving away, taking his disturbing smile with him, along with all the reactions it provoked in her.

Without thinking, she brushed his arm to get his attention. The gesture, so automatic among the deaf, seemed suddenly too intimate and she snatched her hand away. ‘Turn left here. There’s a row of cottages a little way down. Mine’s the one at the far end.’

She was scrabbling for the doorhandle almost as soon as he drew up. He turned the engine off with a decisive motion and went to get out of the car. ‘Stay put, Jack, I’ve just got to talk to Beth for a moment.’

What now? She shivered impatiently in the cold night air as Matt retrieved her display boards from the boot, propping them up against the wheel arch instead of giving them straight to her.

‘Jack doesn’t talk much about his mother,’ he started stiffly. ‘I heard you talking with him and wanted to thank you.’

So he had heard. Beth licked her lips nervously. ‘I didn’t mean to pry into your business.’

‘You didn’t. Jack has every right to say whatever he likes to whoever he likes, he doesn’t need my permission. He doesn’t do it enough.’

‘I’m glad he felt he could talk about her today, then. I really did enjoy spending the afternoon with him, he’s a great kid.’

He nodded. ‘I … I hope we’ll see you again. It would be nice if you could join us for lunch some time. As a thank you. You’ve given him a way to express his feelings, and I’m truly grateful for that.’ She was pretty sure he had that engaging smile on his face again. Out here in the darkness it was difficult to tell.

‘Sometimes things that can’t be said one way can be said in another.’ Beth ignored Matt’s invitation and concentrated on Jack. ‘I’ve got some wall charts that show the finger-spelling alphabet and some simple signs. If he’d like one, I can drop it in to Phyllis next week some time.’ That seemed safe enough.

His voice warmed with enthusiasm. ‘Thank you, I’d really appreciate that. It won’t do him any harm to learn another language and …’ He was suddenly lost for words.

‘I know. Anything that gives him a voice. I understand, I used to do the same thing myself when I was little. All my secrets were signed.’ Apart from the one she’d told Jack. Beth flushed. If he’d heard that then no wonder he hadn’t taken her refusal of his offer of a lift too seriously.

He grinned and then the smile slid from his face. He was looking intently over her shoulder and Beth turned to face her cottage.

‘Do you leave a light on when you’re out?’

Through the front window she could see a light, glimmering unsteadily inside the house. As she strained to see where it was coming from the porch light flickered on and back off again as if it was trying to signal something. Her hand flew to her mouth as she caught her breath.

‘Obviously not. Give me your keys, I’ll go and take a look. It’s probably an electrical fault of some sort.’

‘Thanks, but I think I can manage to avoid sticking my fingers into any dodgy light sockets. I can handle it.’

‘I dare say you can. But if someone’s broken in and they’re still there you’re not handling that alone. I’ll just go and make sure.’

‘Perhaps—’

He gave a little huff of impatience. ‘Perhaps nothing. Here.’ He grabbed her hand and put his keys into it. ‘Stay in the car and if I’m not back in five, you drive to the nearest police station. Please—someone needs to look after Jack.’

His final words were tacked on almost as an afterthought, but the command in his tone had slipped away. Beth followed his gaze to the back seat of the car where Jack was twisting around fretfully, trying to get out of his seat belt.

She pulled her keys out of her bag and pushed them into his hand, before getting into the driver’s seat of the car. Matt shut the door behind her, indicating with his thumb that she should lock the doors, before turning and heading up her front path.

CHAPTER THREE

SHE shouldn’t have let him go. Now that she was alone here in the car with Jack, there wasn’t much she could do about it, though. She kept up a steady stream of conversation with Jack, at the same time straining to see as Matt swept the beam of the torch over the front door and the windows, looking for signs of forced entry before letting himself in. The torch beam flicked back and forth in the hallway, then in her tiny front room and then disappeared.

What if there was someone in there? What if they hurt him? Matt was tall and imposing but if there was more than one intruder they might get the better of him. She squinted at her watch in the darkness. Had he really only been gone for three minutes?

Tears of relief pricked at the side of her eyes as she saw him hurry down the front path. Motioning to her to unlock the car doors, he slid into the passenger seat. ‘Looks as if you have a burst pipe. Do you know where the stopcock is? And the fusebox?’ He gestured back at the porch, where the light was still flickering on and off. ‘If that light is anything to go by, the water’s got into the electrics.’

Of course she knew where they were—what did he take her for? Beth bit back her annoyance and remembered that just a few seconds ago she had been glad to see him emerge from the cottage in one piece. ‘Under the stairs, in a little cupboard. Both the stopcock and the fusebox.’

He got out of the car without a word and was on his way back up the front path before she had the opportunity to tell him that she was perfectly capable of turning the water off and mopping up a few spills.

Matt let himself back into the cottage and dodged the curtain of water falling down the stairwell. His feet squelched on the hall carpet and by the light of the torch he could see that the wallpaper was beginning to peel. Finding the hall cupboard, he twisted the stopcock and flipped the mains electrical switch to off. Then he opened a door at the end of the hallway, figuring correctly that it led to the kitchen, and made for the sink. Turning both taps on, he let the water run, hoping that the water tank in the loft would drain quickly.

He knew that the longer he stayed there, the more Beth would be worrying and that he should get back to her. He didn’t want her to have to see the cascade of water that had greeted him when he first entered, though. The place was enough of a mess, without that. Matt heard a gurgle as the tank finally drained and turned off the kitchen taps as the water coming through the ceiling slowed to a steady dribble.

He trudged back to the car and knocked on the window. She turned, a brittle smile on her face, and the electric window whirred downwards. ‘Can I help you?’

She was tough. Not many people would have even attempted a joke in this situation. The reassuring smile that Matt had pasted onto his face warmed as respect washed through him. ‘Yeah. I was wondering if you might like to swap that six-year-old you have there for a cottage. It’s a little wet at the moment, but it’s basically sound.’

She pretended to think about it for a moment. ‘Okay, you’ve got a deal.’ The central locking on the car sounded and she climbed out, waiting while Matt unbuckled Jack’s seat belt and chivvied him out of his booster seat.

He had half expected her to run straight into the house, but she was standing stock still, searching his face in the dim light. ‘It’s not …’ Matt shrugged and handed her the flashlight. ‘You’ll be wanting to see for yourself, won’t you?’

‘Yes. Thanks.’ Her smile was beginning to wear a little thin at the edges, and he caught her cold hand in his and led her up the front path.

Beth stood in the hallway, cold water creeping into her shoes, and watched as a piece of the wallpaper she had hung so carefully just a few weeks ago peeled slowly off the wall and landed on the carpet in a sodden mass. Smile. The words of the old song that her grandmother used to sign with her echoed in her head and she gave it her best shot.

‘Perhaps that wallpaper was a bit much for a small hallway.’

Matt tilted his head to one side thoughtfully. ‘Yeah. Perhaps.’ He’d picked Jack up so that his feet didn’t get wet, and had him safe and secure in his arms.

‘At least I’ve got the hang of it now. Putting something else up will be easy. And the insurance will cover it.’ She was babbling, trying to make out that everything was okay when it wasn’t. She went to sit down on the stairs, and then jumped back to her feet as she realised the stair carpet was as wet as everything else.

‘It’s more than just the money, though, isn’t it?’ His quiet comment cut through all her pretence of being able to cope with this.

‘Yes. I’ve only been here for eight months. It was … it is the first time I’ve had a place of my own. I did everything myself.’ It had almost been a point of honour. Beth had wanted to show everyone, herself included, that she could manage her life on her own terms after Pete had left her.

‘Then I’ll bet you’ve already done plenty of things that seemed impossible at first. The initial shock is always the worst.’

Was he really so sure about that? ‘I could kick myself. You know, I’ve never even been up in the loft to look at the water tank or the pipes. The surveyor said they were okay and I just took his word for it. Maybe if I’d ….’ She tailed off before her tears choked her. It was already too late to mend the damage that had been done to her dream. Everyone who had ever said that she couldn’t fend for herself had just been proved right. And she’d proved it with her own stupid negligence.

‘It’s not your fault.’ His tone was gentle but firm. How did someone get to be that sure about life?

The belief that she could cope with whatever life threw at her had just been unceremoniously ripped away, leaving her naked and shivery. And even though he was saying all the right things, Matt’s solid dependability wasn’t helping. The temptation to look as pathetic as she felt and cling to him was too much to bear.

Beth straightened herself, ignoring the handstands her stomach was doing, and swung the torch beam up from the carpet, trying to inspect the damage calmly. ‘I can do this.’

‘Yes, you can. It’s a bit of a mess right now, but this is the worst of it. The water’s off now and I’ve drained the tank.’

Thanks for reminding me. It was Matt who’d had the presence of mind to do that straight away, not her. Beth turned away from him, wiping her face with the sleeve of her coat.

‘The back room isn’t so bad,’ he continued. ‘It’s worst in the hall and the sitting room.’

Beth nodded, trying not to start crying again and feeling the tears trickle down her cheek anyway. What the hell—a few tears weren’t going to make this place any wetter.

‘Come and take a look.’ He took her hand, holding it tight, and guided her to the small dining room, which lay behind the sitting room. She could see a few dribbles of water running down the walls but the carpet was dry to her touch and the furniture looked undamaged.

This wasn’t so bad. ‘Thank you for helping out. I’ll be okay now.’ She wanted him to go before his reassurance became completely indispensable. Then she could inspect the damage, have a good cry and work out what she was going to do next.

‘No, you won’t.’ Jack lay motionless against his shoulder, obviously tired and bored. ‘You’ll freeze in this weather with no heating and in a wet house. If you want to stay with a friend then I’ll take you wherever you need to go, but I live five miles down the road and I have a spare bedroom that’s warm and dry. Come and stay with us tonight. There’s nothing more that we can do until tomorrow.’

Beth stared at him. Warm and dry sounded like heaven at the moment, but she couldn’t. She would rather be here, however uncomfortable it was. ‘I’m fine, really.’

Matt gave a little gesture of impatience, and Jack stirred in his arms. ‘No, you’re not fine. And you most certainly won’t be fine tomorrow if you spend the night here.’ He gestured up and to the front of the house. ‘If your bedroom’s above the sitting room, then it’s going to be wet through. It’s already below freezing outside and you’ve no heating.’

Cold disappointment dripped into Beth’s heart. He was right, of course, but she still didn’t want to admit that she was reliant on the hospitality of a virtual stranger. She stared at Matt, unable to think of anything to say that sounded even vaguely rational.

‘Are there any friends or family close by that you can call?’

Beth shook her head. ‘On any other evening I’d call Marcie. But it’s her wedding anniversary tonight and she’s been planning it for weeks. And my parents are away in America, visiting my younger brother.’ She could probably make it down to Charlie’s place in London before midnight, but if she did he’d still be reminding her about this in thirty years’ time.

‘So come back to our place. The hospital’s vetted me, so the chances of me not being an axe murderer are pretty much in your favour.’ The veneer slipped and an irresistible grin broke through. ‘And my son will vouch for me.’ Jack was dozing fitfully now and didn’t seem disposed to vouch for anyone at the moment. ‘When he wakes up, that is.’

Beth’s resolve wavered. The heat of Matt’s smile was about the only thing around here that was much above freezing. ‘I don’t suppose that anywhere I want to go includes a hotel, does it? There’s one a few miles down the road.’

‘Right in one. No hotels.’

If she was going to take him up on his offer, she may as well do it gracefully. Beth smiled up at him and saw a glimmer in his dark blue eyes that looked suspiciously like triumph. ‘Then your spare bedroom sounds like a lifesaver. It’s very kind of you, thank you.’